Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:48,214 --> 00:00:51,843
Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Rock.
2
00:01:12,822 --> 00:01:13,740
Yeah.
3
00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:17,452
Please.
4
00:01:17,535 --> 00:01:19,120
Oh, sit down.
5
00:01:20,413 --> 00:01:23,666
Sit yo asses down.
6
00:01:24,751 --> 00:01:27,378
Please let me get on with the show.
7
00:01:27,837 --> 00:01:29,756
It's nice to be here.
8
00:01:30,298 --> 00:01:31,257
Brooklyn.
9
00:01:33,802 --> 00:01:35,053
Here's my question.
10
00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:36,638
You would think...
11
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,264
You would think...
12
00:01:38,348 --> 00:01:42,310
You would think the cops would
occasionally shoot a white kid...
13
00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:44,813
just to make it look good.
14
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:48,608
You would think that
every couple of months
15
00:01:48,691 --> 00:01:51,736
they'd look at their dead nigga calender
and go...
16
00:01:53,071 --> 00:01:55,281
"Oh, my God, we're up to 16.
17
00:01:55,907 --> 00:01:57,909
We gotta shoot a white kid quick."
18
00:01:58,743 --> 00:02:02,580
"Uh, which one?" "The first one you see
singing Cardi B."
19
00:02:06,709 --> 00:02:10,380
That's right. I mean, honestly, I wanna
live in a world...
20
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,632
with real equality.
21
00:02:13,007 --> 00:02:14,717
I wanna live in a world...
22
00:02:15,009 --> 00:02:18,763
where an equal amount of white kids
are shot every month.
23
00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:21,808
An equal world.
24
00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:26,479
I wanna see white mothers
on TV crying.
25
00:02:28,064 --> 00:02:30,608
Standing next to Al Sharpton.
26
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:35,947
Talking about, "We need justice for Chad.
27
00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:40,034
We need justice for Chad.
28
00:02:40,535 --> 00:02:44,122
He was just coming home
from racquetball practice."
29
00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:49,377
I know some people like,
"Come on, Chris, man.
30
00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:51,462
You go too hard on the cops, man.
31
00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:52,672
You're a celebrity.
32
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:56,342
I'm sure they let you go. I'm sure they're
nice to you, man. You a celebrity."
33
00:02:56,843 --> 00:02:58,928
Yeah, I'm famous, you know.
34
00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:01,764
But I'm not, like,
Michael Jackson, famous.
35
00:03:02,056 --> 00:03:04,517
I'm not famous from miles away.
36
00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:12,150
Like, my fame kicks in right about here.
37
00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:17,197
You know? When the cops see me
walking down the street,
38
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:19,782
they're like, "Nigga, nigga,
nigga, nigga, nigga...
39
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,202
Hey, that's Chris Rock!
40
00:03:24,621 --> 00:03:28,041
Man, you are funny, man.
I love Pootie Tang, man."
41
00:03:32,795 --> 00:03:34,797
It's weird, man. It's weird.
42
00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:37,342
You know, this whole thing
with the cops, man, 'cause...
43
00:03:37,467 --> 00:03:41,137
You know, as a black man,
especially a grown black man,
44
00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:44,515
I have a weird relationship
with the cops, man.
45
00:03:44,599 --> 00:03:48,770
Like, on one hand I'm a black man
so I'm like, "Fuck the police."
46
00:03:49,812 --> 00:03:53,316
And on the other hand, I own property.
47
00:03:57,612 --> 00:04:01,616
You know, if somebody comes and breaks
in my house, I'm not calling the crips.
48
00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:06,120
Uh, yo, crips...
49
00:04:07,038 --> 00:04:08,790
can you send Lil' JJ down?
50
00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:11,042
Oh, he's here already.
51
00:04:15,672 --> 00:04:19,092
My bad. My bad." I mean, here's the thing
with the cops, though,
52
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:23,972
I mean, being a cop is a hard job, man.
It's a hard fucking job, man.
53
00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:26,933
I mean, honestly, I don't think they pay
cops enough.
54
00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:32,355
I don't think they pay police enough.
55
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:35,650
And you get what you pay for.
56
00:04:40,738 --> 00:04:46,035
Here's the thing, man. Whenever the cops
gun down an innocent black man...
57
00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:49,414
they always say the same things, man.
They always say the same thing.
58
00:04:49,497 --> 00:04:53,960
It's like, "Well, it's not most cops.
It's just a few bad apples."
59
00:04:54,877 --> 00:04:57,213
It's just a few bad apples.
60
00:04:57,380 --> 00:04:58,631
Bad apple?
61
00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:01,426
That's a lovely name for murderer.
62
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:07,223
It's like, how'd they get that one?
"Bad apple?" That almost sounds nice.
63
00:05:08,266 --> 00:05:10,268
I mean, I've had a bad apple.
64
00:05:11,894 --> 00:05:13,187
It was tart.
65
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,482
But it didn't choke me out.
66
00:05:19,652 --> 00:05:22,739
Here's the thing. Here's the thing.
I know it's hard being a cop.
67
00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:25,074
I know it's hard.
I know that shit's dangerous.
68
00:05:25,575 --> 00:05:27,160
I know it is, ok?
69
00:05:27,702 --> 00:05:31,289
But some jobs can't have bad apples.
70
00:05:32,206 --> 00:05:36,002
Ok? Some jobs, everybody gotta be good.
71
00:05:37,295 --> 00:05:39,297
Like... pilots.
72
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:43,009
You know?
73
00:05:43,926 --> 00:05:48,723
American Airlines can't be like,
"Most of our pilots like to land.
74
00:05:51,934 --> 00:05:54,062
We just got a few bad apples...
75
00:05:54,979 --> 00:05:56,981
that like to crash into mountains.
76
00:05:58,316 --> 00:05:59,817
Please bear with us."
77
00:06:02,945 --> 00:06:04,906
America's insane, man.
78
00:06:05,656 --> 00:06:07,950
Cops shooting motherfuckers, man.
79
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:10,620
You know, we got cop problems.
80
00:06:10,703 --> 00:06:14,832
We got the gun problems.
This gun shit ain't going nowhere, ok?
81
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:18,628
It's like, "Gun control." There ain't
never gonna be no gun control, ok?
82
00:06:18,711 --> 00:06:21,297
You talk about it too long
and you will get shot.
83
00:06:23,132 --> 00:06:25,885
They will shoot yo ass, ok?
84
00:06:26,427 --> 00:06:29,722
That's right. They never,
ever changing the gun laws.
85
00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:32,892
Because Americans need the right to hunt.
86
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,395
They need to hunt. It's like, "Really?"
87
00:06:36,687 --> 00:06:38,898
Hunting's that fucking important?
I mean...
88
00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:40,858
I've been hunting. I've been hunting.
89
00:06:40,942 --> 00:06:43,694
I used to hunt with my grandfather
as a kid in South Carolina.
90
00:06:44,028 --> 00:06:47,448
Went hunting with my grandfather.
Uh, I shot a rabbit.
91
00:06:49,575 --> 00:06:50,785
I cried.
92
00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:56,040
He called me a faggot.
93
00:07:02,672 --> 00:07:04,006
And he's a preacher.
94
00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:12,306
They will shoot 100 people in Vegas, ok?
95
00:07:12,390 --> 00:07:14,392
And somebody will come on TV.
96
00:07:14,475 --> 00:07:16,102
You know, and they'll just talk like...
97
00:07:16,185 --> 00:07:21,274
"Hey, you know, guns don't kill people.
People kill people.
98
00:07:21,899 --> 00:07:27,113
As a matter of fact, if the gunman
would've had a knife...
99
00:07:28,156 --> 00:07:30,908
he could've stabbed 100 people to death.
100
00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:34,912
Could've stabbed 100 people?
101
00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:37,790
Yo, check this out. Check this out.
102
00:07:38,499 --> 00:07:42,712
If 100 people ever got stabbed,
103
00:07:43,713 --> 00:07:45,715
at the same time,
104
00:07:46,757 --> 00:07:50,136
in the same place by the same person,
105
00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:53,556
you know what that would mean?
106
00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:59,061
Ninety-seven people deserved to die.
107
00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,569
What? You just watching this shit?
108
00:08:07,904 --> 00:08:09,906
"Oh shit, somebody got stabbed.
109
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,492
Oh, they stabbed somebody else.
110
00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:14,577
Oh, he stabbed somebody else.
111
00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:16,579
Oh, he getting closer.
112
00:08:18,623 --> 00:08:20,124
Oh, he stabbed me.
113
00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:23,044
I didn't see that coming.
114
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,922
Oh, he stabbed the lady behind me.
115
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,216
He's a stabbin' fool.
116
00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:31,886
Guess that's why they call him Stabby."
117
00:08:33,971 --> 00:08:37,016
Yo, it is so good to be here right now.
118
00:08:37,225 --> 00:08:39,602
Glad to be back. Here's the weird thing.
119
00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:47,568
I've been so busy, man. I've been busy.
120
00:08:47,652 --> 00:08:50,363
People like, "Where you been?
Been busy, trying to raise some kids.
121
00:08:51,155 --> 00:08:52,573
That shit's a job.
122
00:08:53,741 --> 00:08:56,619
Now, my oldest daughter
just started high school.
123
00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:59,080
Just started high school.
Lola just started high school.
124
00:08:59,163 --> 00:09:01,165
And, uh, yep, kept her off the pole.
125
00:09:01,457 --> 00:09:02,917
And, uh...
126
00:09:05,419 --> 00:09:07,255
Kept her off the pole, you know.
127
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:10,383
She danced a little too hard to Migos,
but we're working on it.
128
00:09:11,926 --> 00:09:16,138
She just started high school and I had
to take her to freshman orientation.
129
00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:19,684
You ever go to freshman orientation?
It's the most boring thing
130
00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:21,894
you will ever do with your kids.
131
00:09:22,061 --> 00:09:25,231
You know, 'cause you sit in an auditorium
quite like this.
132
00:09:25,606 --> 00:09:28,484
With, you know, a couple thousand kids.
133
00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:32,780
People come up and speak
and just lie to children.
134
00:09:33,864 --> 00:09:38,744
That's all that happens all day is
people come up and lie to children
135
00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:40,079
about the future.
136
00:09:40,496 --> 00:09:42,832
And I'm sitting there
and this lady comes up and goes,
137
00:09:42,915 --> 00:09:47,128
"I want you children to know
you can be anything you wanna be.
138
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:52,133
You can be absolutely anything
you wanna be."
139
00:09:52,216 --> 00:09:55,511
I'm like, "Lady, why are you lying
to these children?"
140
00:09:56,470 --> 00:09:59,807
Maybe four of them could be
anything they wanna be.
141
00:10:01,726 --> 00:10:05,313
But the other 2,000
better learn how to weld.
142
00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:10,735
Shit, I'm looking at these kids right now.
143
00:10:10,818 --> 00:10:13,654
I count at least 60 Uber drivers.
144
00:10:17,491 --> 00:10:21,537
They could be anything they wanna be.
Shut the fuck up.
145
00:10:21,954 --> 00:10:23,956
Really? They could be
anything they wanna be?
146
00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:26,542
Then how come you're a vice principal?
147
00:10:28,794 --> 00:10:30,254
Was that the dream?
148
00:10:31,672 --> 00:10:34,592
Did you dress up like a vice principal
when you was a kid?
149
00:10:35,259 --> 00:10:37,261
Put your little vice principal hat on?
150
00:10:39,221 --> 00:10:41,432
Tell the kids the truth.
151
00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:43,225
Tell the kids the fucking truth.
152
00:10:43,768 --> 00:10:45,603
Say, "Hey kids, check this out.
153
00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:49,815
Check this out.
You can be anything you're good at.
154
00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:53,152
As long as they're hiring."
155
00:11:00,951 --> 00:11:03,454
And even then it helps to know somebody.
156
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:09,835
So, I'm sitting there. I'm in school
and I'm watching this shit.
157
00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:14,965
And it dawned on me
that this orientation wasn't right.
158
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,968
You know, 'cause I got black kids, man.
159
00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:21,972
You know, and I'm sitting there,
I'm like, "I don't think this is right."
160
00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:24,809
I think they need separate orientations.
161
00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:30,439
I think they need a black orientation,
white, gay, straight, Mexican, whatever.
162
00:11:30,981 --> 00:11:33,859
Because the black kids, you're, you're...
163
00:11:33,943 --> 00:11:36,946
You know, you're getting ready to face
a whole other world.
164
00:11:37,154 --> 00:11:40,574
I got black kids. I gotta get them ready
for the white man.
165
00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:44,120
I gotta get them ready for America, man.
166
00:11:44,495 --> 00:11:45,955
You know? It's like, you know.
167
00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:49,333
I mean, not the white man that's
here tonight. You guys are alright.
168
00:11:50,668 --> 00:11:52,670
Ya'll cool. Every one of you.
169
00:11:53,003 --> 00:11:56,048
I want you to know every dime you spent
tonight is going towards
170
00:11:56,132 --> 00:11:58,384
putting little black girls
through private school.
171
00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:09,311
Anybody ask you what you did tonight,
you go, "I made a difference."
172
00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:21,615
But so I'm at school and I'm like, "Yo,
I think we need separate orientations."
173
00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:24,702
'Cause you gotta get your kids ready
for the white man.
174
00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:28,330
If you're not, then you're fucking up
as a parent, ok?
175
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:32,877
I've been getting my kids ready
for the white man since they was born.
176
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:33,836
Ok?
177
00:12:34,003 --> 00:12:37,757
Even before they was born, I've been
preparing them for the white man.
178
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:41,510
Yeah. That's right.
My house, we don't have fire drills.
179
00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:45,389
We have white-r drills.
180
00:12:46,807 --> 00:12:49,018
So, ever since my kids were born,
181
00:12:49,101 --> 00:12:51,604
I've been getting them ready
for the white man.
182
00:12:52,313 --> 00:12:54,315
So, everything in my house...
183
00:12:54,648 --> 00:12:56,150
that's the color white...
184
00:12:57,443 --> 00:13:00,613
is either hot, heavy, or sharp.
185
00:13:07,286 --> 00:13:09,955
So, my kids know when they deal
with anything white,
186
00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:12,041
they gotta think about that shit.
187
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:21,050
They gotta contemplate this shit.
188
00:13:21,342 --> 00:13:23,594
"Oh, this napkin, ok.
189
00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:26,514
Should I wipe my mouth with it?
190
00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:29,308
Or is that what whitey wants me to do?"
191
00:13:32,186 --> 00:13:35,147
Ever since they was born,
everything in my house,
192
00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:37,233
hot, heavy, or sharp.
193
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:40,611
They sit on a white toilet seat.
Burn their ass.
194
00:13:42,738 --> 00:13:44,740
"Daddy, my ass is burning."
195
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,826
"It's white motherfucker. It's white.
196
00:13:47,868 --> 00:13:49,453
That's what whitey do.
197
00:13:50,579 --> 00:13:52,581
He burn your fucking ass.
198
00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:56,377
Pay attention."
199
00:14:02,883 --> 00:14:09,181
Shit, when they was little girls,
their white onesie weighed 150 pounds.
200
00:14:11,225 --> 00:14:12,601
"Daddy!
201
00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:16,772
Dad, it's so heavy.
202
00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:19,191
It's so heavy.
203
00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:21,819
This hurts. I can't even stand.
204
00:14:22,319 --> 00:14:23,904
I can't even stand."
205
00:14:23,988 --> 00:14:26,323
"It's white, motherfucker. It's white.
206
00:14:26,407 --> 00:14:28,033
That's what whitey do.
207
00:14:28,242 --> 00:14:29,869
He break your back."
208
00:14:37,751 --> 00:14:41,005
At their birthday party,
I gave them vanilla ice cream...
209
00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:43,424
with glass in it.
210
00:14:49,972 --> 00:14:52,224
"Daddy, my tongue's bleeding."
211
00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:54,727
"Should've got chocolate."
212
00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:08,532
Yeah, I go hard.
I got girls and I go hard.
213
00:15:09,366 --> 00:15:13,162
So, if you got a black son, shit,
you gotta just punch him in the face.
214
00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:18,417
So, as soon as he wakes up
in the morning, it's like,
215
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:20,085
"Morning, nigga. Pow."
216
00:15:25,466 --> 00:15:28,218
If you don't punch your black son
in the face,
217
00:15:28,302 --> 00:15:29,762
that's child abuse.
218
00:15:33,098 --> 00:15:35,643
It's rough out there for a black boy, man.
219
00:15:35,726 --> 00:15:37,770
It's rough! That's right.
220
00:15:37,853 --> 00:15:42,483
Some people say young black men are
an endangered species.
221
00:15:42,566 --> 00:15:44,234
But, that's not true.
222
00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:47,821
Because endangered species are protected
by the government.
223
00:15:55,079 --> 00:15:56,413
True.
224
00:15:56,872 --> 00:16:00,709
That's right, you got to punch
your black son in the fucking face.
225
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:03,087
You understand me? Hard.
226
00:16:04,004 --> 00:16:05,339
Yeah, I said it.
227
00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:08,467
On Netflix, I said that shit.
228
00:16:09,551 --> 00:16:14,640
You understand? It's important that
your black son follow your instructions.
229
00:16:14,723 --> 00:16:17,977
It's the difference between
life and death, ok?
230
00:16:18,268 --> 00:16:19,728
Ok? Yeah.
231
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:22,898
Yeah, 'cause we got a crazy justice system
out here, man.
232
00:16:23,023 --> 00:16:25,651
We got a justice system for rich,
for poor, for black, for white.
233
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:30,572
We live in a country where two people
can do the exact same crime
234
00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:35,244
in the exact same place at the exact
same time and get a different sentence.
235
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:37,121
Only in America.
236
00:16:37,454 --> 00:16:39,623
We gotta change this justice system, yo.
237
00:16:39,707 --> 00:16:41,709
The American justice system
238
00:16:41,792 --> 00:16:43,460
should be like Walmart.
239
00:16:44,253 --> 00:16:46,880
Should be just like Walmart.
240
00:16:47,047 --> 00:16:51,552
It's like, "Hey, if you can find a lighter
sentence, we'll match it."
241
00:16:58,308 --> 00:17:00,894
So, I'm at the school. I'm at the school.
242
00:17:01,186 --> 00:17:03,605
And, the lady comes back out.
243
00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:08,318
She goes, "I want you to know that
the school has absolutely no bullies.
244
00:17:08,777 --> 00:17:10,779
We have a no-bully policy.
245
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:13,157
We don't-- We don't--
We don't permit bullying.
246
00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:16,493
Any bullies will be kicked out of school
immediately."
247
00:17:17,286 --> 00:17:21,707
And right then, I wanted to take
my daughter out the school.
248
00:17:22,916 --> 00:17:26,003
It's like, "What kind of half-assed
education is this?"
249
00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:32,509
I mean, school is supposed
to prepare you for life.
250
00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:35,846
Life has assholes.
251
00:17:36,972 --> 00:17:39,475
And you should learn how to deal
with them
252
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:41,185
as soon as possible.
253
00:17:42,519 --> 00:17:46,231
God forbid, you wait till you're 30
to find out people ain't shit.
254
00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:52,196
That's a lesson you need, quick.
255
00:17:53,655 --> 00:17:56,158
That's right. I mean,
one of the problems with the world
256
00:17:56,241 --> 00:18:00,204
is we got too many people
telling they kids how special they are.
257
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,999
These souped up kids
walking the streets today
258
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:06,085
thinking they're fucking special.
259
00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:08,587
I'm walking down the street,
always some kid,
260
00:18:08,670 --> 00:18:10,214
"Hey, good work, Chris.
261
00:18:10,339 --> 00:18:12,925
Really funny, Chris. Love your work."
262
00:18:13,008 --> 00:18:15,010
I'm like, "It's Mr. Rock, bitch."
263
00:18:21,141 --> 00:18:24,311
Stop telling your kids that they special.
264
00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:26,647
Maybe they special to you.
265
00:18:27,856 --> 00:18:29,316
But not to me.
266
00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:30,776
I don't play that shit.
267
00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:34,029
Everyday before my kids leave to school,
268
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:36,824
I get them at the door.
I'm like, "Lola, Zahra, check this out.
269
00:18:36,907 --> 00:18:40,661
Soon as you leave this door,
nobody gives a fuck about you.
270
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:46,291
Nobody in the whole world
gives a fuck about you.
271
00:18:46,375 --> 00:18:48,961
Nobody thinks you're cute.
Nobody thinks you're smart.
272
00:18:49,044 --> 00:18:51,213
Nobody gives a fuck about your opinion.
273
00:18:51,296 --> 00:18:55,884
Nobody on the whole earth
outside of this door
274
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,554
gives a fuck about you.
275
00:19:01,390 --> 00:19:02,391
Nobody!
276
00:19:03,058 --> 00:19:05,894
And even some of the people
inside the house...
277
00:19:07,688 --> 00:19:09,314
...a little on the fence."
278
00:19:14,319 --> 00:19:15,821
We need bullies.
279
00:19:15,904 --> 00:19:18,198
How the fuck you gonna have a school
with no bullies?
280
00:19:18,699 --> 00:19:21,118
Bullies do half the work.
281
00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:22,786
That's right.
282
00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:24,329
Teachers do one half.
283
00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:26,874
Bullies do the whole other half.
284
00:19:27,291 --> 00:19:30,836
And that's the half you're gonna use
as a fucking grown-up.
285
00:19:31,670 --> 00:19:34,798
That's right. Who gives a fuck
if you can code...
286
00:19:36,675 --> 00:19:40,137
if you start crying
'cause your boss didn't say hi?
287
00:19:45,893 --> 00:19:48,979
You fucking weak bitch.
Get the fuck away from me.
288
00:19:50,647 --> 00:19:54,026
You think kids were nice to Bill Gates
in high school?
289
00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:58,530
"Hey, Gates, you Charlie Brown-looking
motherfucker.
290
00:19:59,448 --> 00:20:02,618
Fuck you, Gates. You four-eyed bitch.
291
00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:07,623
Fuck you and your windows,
you gape-tooth motherfucker.
292
00:20:08,957 --> 00:20:12,002
I'm gonna smack the shit out of you,
fucking Gate.
293
00:20:12,252 --> 00:20:13,754
Gate motherfucker.
294
00:20:13,962 --> 00:20:15,964
You can't get in the gate, Gates."
295
00:20:19,843 --> 00:20:24,139
You think kids were nice
to Mark Zuckerberg in high school?
296
00:20:24,431 --> 00:20:26,183
"Hey, Zucker-fuck.
297
00:20:28,393 --> 00:20:30,562
Zucker-fucker. Mother-Zucker. Mother.
298
00:20:30,979 --> 00:20:32,856
Zuck-Zucker, mother-Zuck.
299
00:20:32,981 --> 00:20:34,983
Suck my nuts-er, Zucker.
300
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:37,903
Mother-Zucker. Mother-Zuck.
Zucker-mother.
301
00:20:37,986 --> 00:20:40,530
Zucker-mother. Mother-Zucker."
302
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:48,622
He invented Facebook after somebody
smacked him in the face with a book.
303
00:20:52,376 --> 00:20:55,295
He invented Facebook just to get friends.
304
00:20:57,673 --> 00:20:59,716
We need bullies.
305
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:02,052
Shit, pressure makes diamonds.
306
00:21:03,220 --> 00:21:04,471
Not hugs.
307
00:21:06,765 --> 00:21:09,434
That's right. Hug a piece of coal
and watch what you get.
308
00:21:10,185 --> 00:21:11,812
You get a dirty shirt.
309
00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:17,734
I'm telling you, we need fucking bullies.
310
00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:21,238
That's why there's so many fat kids
in school right now.
311
00:21:21,989 --> 00:21:24,366
'Cause there's nobody
to take their lunch money.
312
00:21:32,666 --> 00:21:35,794
You know what they buy
with all that money? Seconds.
313
00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:40,799
We need bullies, man.
314
00:21:41,758 --> 00:21:45,137
I hate when people go, "You know what,
cyber bullying is worse."
315
00:21:45,679 --> 00:21:46,638
Shut up.
316
00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:51,018
I never heard of anybody getting
cyber kicked down a flight of stairs.
317
00:21:52,644 --> 00:21:56,064
I've never heard of anybody getting
a cyber bag of piss thrown at them.
318
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:01,987
We need fucking bullies. Shit,
that's how Trump became president.
319
00:22:02,738 --> 00:22:04,740
That's exactly what happened.
320
00:22:04,865 --> 00:22:06,533
We got rid of bullies.
321
00:22:07,117 --> 00:22:11,830
A real bully showed up,
and nobody knew how to handle him.
322
00:22:20,881 --> 00:22:21,798
Shit.
323
00:22:22,966 --> 00:22:27,471
The cast of The Apprentice is
running the world.
324
00:22:30,974 --> 00:22:33,477
Trump, the daughter, Omarosa.
325
00:22:34,895 --> 00:22:37,773
They run the world, man.
326
00:22:37,898 --> 00:22:40,776
Yo, man, this shit is crazy.
327
00:22:41,902 --> 00:22:46,073
A lot of people are like, "Well, Trump is
a bad person and he gonna get his".
328
00:22:46,615 --> 00:22:48,950
You know, some people never get theirs.
329
00:22:52,454 --> 00:22:54,206
Some people just fail up.
330
00:22:55,332 --> 00:22:58,752
People are like, "Well, you know,
what goes around comes around."
331
00:22:58,835 --> 00:22:59,795
No, it don't.
332
00:23:01,838 --> 00:23:04,341
Sometimes it just keeps going around.
333
00:23:07,761 --> 00:23:10,180
Ain't nothing gonna happen to Trump, man.
334
00:23:10,597 --> 00:23:13,100
Nothing's gonna happen to Trump.
Here's the crazy thing.
335
00:23:13,683 --> 00:23:15,185
It might just work out.
336
00:23:16,061 --> 00:23:17,813
Trump might work out.
337
00:23:18,772 --> 00:23:21,441
Yeah, I said it.
338
00:23:21,525 --> 00:23:23,819
Trump might work out. I mean,
think about it this way.
339
00:23:24,611 --> 00:23:26,613
Bush was so bad...
340
00:23:26,988 --> 00:23:28,698
he gave us Obama.
341
00:23:30,951 --> 00:23:32,869
You forget that shit, don't you?
342
00:23:33,370 --> 00:23:35,497
Bush was so bad that people said,
343
00:23:35,580 --> 00:23:37,874
"Hey, maybe this black guy has
the answers."
344
00:23:42,963 --> 00:23:47,384
I think people overlook George Bush's
contributions to black history.
345
00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:57,269
George Bush is a black revolutionary.
346
00:23:58,728 --> 00:24:01,565
Malcolm X, Rosa Parks, George Bush.
347
00:24:04,276 --> 00:24:06,695
They need to honor him
at the Essence Festival.
348
00:24:13,243 --> 00:24:15,871
It might work out, man. Think about it.
349
00:24:16,121 --> 00:24:19,958
Bush was so bad he gave us Obama.
350
00:24:20,709 --> 00:24:22,419
Shit, Trump's so bad...
351
00:24:22,878 --> 00:24:24,880
he gonna give us Jesus.
352
00:24:29,634 --> 00:24:32,012
"Jesus, what you doing here?"
"You seen Trump?"
353
00:24:33,638 --> 00:24:35,015
This shit is serious.
354
00:24:37,184 --> 00:24:38,643
Oh, man.
355
00:24:41,313 --> 00:24:43,773
Jesus. I'm trying
to get my life together, man.
356
00:24:43,857 --> 00:24:46,234
I'm trying to get a little religion
in my life.
357
00:24:46,860 --> 00:24:47,819
Just a little.
358
00:24:49,613 --> 00:24:50,864
Just a little.
359
00:24:52,115 --> 00:24:54,117
Religion is kinda like salt.
360
00:24:57,204 --> 00:25:01,208
A sprinkle is good,
but too much will fuck up the meal.
361
00:25:03,335 --> 00:25:08,507
I mean, I'm basically trying to find God
before God finds me.
362
00:25:13,595 --> 00:25:15,805
But, God never finds you at a good time.
363
00:25:16,431 --> 00:25:19,476
You're never sitting court side
at a Knick game....
364
00:25:19,726 --> 00:25:22,187
getting a hand job
from Halle Berry, and...
365
00:25:23,021 --> 00:25:25,857
God shows up.
"She strokes a good dick, don't she?
366
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:30,028
I made her. I made your dick too.
367
00:25:30,570 --> 00:25:31,780
Enjoy the game."
368
00:25:35,575 --> 00:25:37,911
God never shows up at those times.
369
00:25:38,286 --> 00:25:41,248
No, God shows up
after you've been raped in jail.
370
00:25:45,126 --> 00:25:47,504
And you're in jail for parking tickets.
371
00:25:55,178 --> 00:25:57,514
Now, if you in jail for murder,
372
00:25:58,139 --> 00:26:02,143
and somebody's raping you, you're like,
"Ok, I guess this is what I deserve.
373
00:26:03,436 --> 00:26:05,188
I did kill somebody.
374
00:26:05,730 --> 00:26:07,732
Now somebody is killing my ass.
375
00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:10,402
Rape on."
376
00:26:13,780 --> 00:26:16,366
But if you in jail for parking tickets,
377
00:26:17,242 --> 00:26:19,786
and somebody's fucking you in your ass,
378
00:26:20,620 --> 00:26:21,496
you're like,
379
00:26:22,205 --> 00:26:24,207
"I should've moved that car."
380
00:26:31,923 --> 00:26:33,341
"What was I thinking?
381
00:26:34,426 --> 00:26:36,011
I thought it was Good Friday.
382
00:26:37,637 --> 00:26:39,180
They keep moving Easter."
383
00:26:42,350 --> 00:26:45,353
Trying to find God before God finds me.
384
00:26:45,437 --> 00:26:47,731
You know, lotta religion in the news, man.
385
00:26:47,981 --> 00:26:51,526
You ever watch the news, they're always
talking about religious extremists.
386
00:26:52,485 --> 00:26:54,487
We're at war with extremists.
387
00:26:54,946 --> 00:26:57,532
Extremists. What is a religious extremist?
388
00:26:58,491 --> 00:27:03,455
A religious extremist is a person
that extremely believes in God.
389
00:27:04,539 --> 00:27:09,252
You think you believe in God.
No, they extremely... believe in God.
390
00:27:09,336 --> 00:27:11,880
Like, "God coming back on Wednesday.
391
00:27:11,963 --> 00:27:15,133
At 2:30, I got tickets.
392
00:27:16,885 --> 00:27:18,887
Fantasia is opening for him.
393
00:27:20,388 --> 00:27:22,682
I hear Charlie Wilson might stop by."
394
00:27:23,808 --> 00:27:27,354
That's right. Religious extremists
extremely believe in God.
395
00:27:27,812 --> 00:27:30,273
And occasionally blow shit up.
396
00:27:31,316 --> 00:27:33,234
Which is really odd
when you think about it.
397
00:27:33,318 --> 00:27:34,944
'Cause if you truly believe in God,
398
00:27:35,028 --> 00:27:37,906
you believe that God created the Earth,
the moon, the stars, the sun.
399
00:27:37,989 --> 00:27:41,910
You believe that God is
the most powerful being in the universe.
400
00:27:41,993 --> 00:27:45,372
So, if you believe God's the most powerful
being in the universe,
401
00:27:45,455 --> 00:27:48,124
why would he need your help?
402
00:27:49,793 --> 00:27:51,586
What is that shit?
403
00:27:52,295 --> 00:27:55,006
And... It... I'm sorry.
404
00:27:57,217 --> 00:28:00,679
Helping God? And it's never
nobody smart helping God out.
405
00:28:01,471 --> 00:28:05,016
It's never Malcolm Gladwell
or Neil deGrasse Tyson.
406
00:28:05,975 --> 00:28:10,313
It's always some motherfucker that was
working at Circuit City two weeks ago.
407
00:28:11,398 --> 00:28:12,857
It's like, "What the fuck?
408
00:28:13,233 --> 00:28:15,610
Wasn't you loading trucks two weeks ago?
409
00:28:15,860 --> 00:28:17,570
Now you're helping out God?
410
00:28:18,113 --> 00:28:19,656
That is some promotion."
411
00:28:21,199 --> 00:28:23,201
What the fuck is going on?
412
00:28:23,702 --> 00:28:25,704
I mean, here's the thing. I think...
413
00:28:26,454 --> 00:28:29,207
the act of helping God is sacrilegious.
414
00:28:29,999 --> 00:28:33,545
If you think you can help God out,
you don't believe in God.
415
00:28:33,962 --> 00:28:37,340
If you really had faith you'd really
have faith. I mean, check this out.
416
00:28:37,424 --> 00:28:40,927
I haven't been to church in ten years.
417
00:28:41,469 --> 00:28:43,471
Now that's believing in God.
418
00:28:48,226 --> 00:28:50,979
Shit, you go every week
'cause you don't trust God.
419
00:28:56,151 --> 00:28:58,570
Nah, man. But I love religion.
420
00:28:58,653 --> 00:29:01,531
I love watching religion,
studying religion.
421
00:29:01,781 --> 00:29:05,702
The cool thing about religion is,
like, no matter who you pray to,
422
00:29:06,119 --> 00:29:07,871
no matter what you study,
423
00:29:08,288 --> 00:29:09,581
every religion...
424
00:29:09,998 --> 00:29:13,168
follows one basic premise.
425
00:29:13,251 --> 00:29:17,380
One basic idea
that every religion follows.
426
00:29:17,464 --> 00:29:22,927
And that... And that premise is,
God doesn't make mistakes.
427
00:29:23,803 --> 00:29:25,513
Every religion believes that. Every one.
428
00:29:25,597 --> 00:29:28,975
"God, does not make...
429
00:29:32,520 --> 00:29:34,105
mistakes.
430
00:29:34,898 --> 00:29:36,232
I said, God...
431
00:29:37,901 --> 00:29:39,903
does not make...
432
00:29:41,488 --> 00:29:42,989
mistakes.
433
00:29:46,910 --> 00:29:48,912
Ok, God don't make no mistakes?
434
00:29:49,996 --> 00:29:52,081
That's-- That's... Ok. That's...
435
00:29:52,165 --> 00:29:54,501
That's a pretty ambitious thing to say.
436
00:29:55,126 --> 00:29:57,796
No mistakes? You ever read the Bible?
437
00:29:59,172 --> 00:30:02,634
What does the Bible say happened
on the seventh day?
438
00:30:03,468 --> 00:30:05,053
God rested.
439
00:30:05,720 --> 00:30:10,767
Ok, seems odd that a perfect being
would rest.
440
00:30:13,478 --> 00:30:14,771
Let me ask you a question.
441
00:30:15,563 --> 00:30:18,066
Have you ever been performing a task?
442
00:30:18,983 --> 00:30:24,113
It was going perfect, and you took a rest?
443
00:30:26,115 --> 00:30:28,284
Has that ever happened in your life?
444
00:30:28,827 --> 00:30:32,622
No, that has never fucking happened
to you.
445
00:30:32,914 --> 00:30:37,168
What has happened to you was you were
performing a task, you fucked up,
446
00:30:38,461 --> 00:30:43,508
and you thought, "Let me rest...
before I fuck this up some more."
447
00:30:48,847 --> 00:30:52,183
God doesn't make mistakes.
Hush your mouth.
448
00:30:53,309 --> 00:30:55,311
God make plenty of mistakes.
449
00:30:55,395 --> 00:30:56,771
You ever see a porcupine?
450
00:30:59,482 --> 00:31:01,484
Can't eat it. Can't hug it.
451
00:31:02,443 --> 00:31:05,238
It's ugly, sticky,
shitting all over the place.
452
00:31:05,864 --> 00:31:06,823
Mistake.
453
00:31:11,911 --> 00:31:13,663
What about quicksand?
454
00:31:15,123 --> 00:31:16,875
Sand you can drown in.
455
00:31:17,917 --> 00:31:19,586
You can drown dry.
456
00:31:21,004 --> 00:31:23,631
You think God meant to make quicksand?
457
00:31:24,549 --> 00:31:25,592
Mistake.
458
00:31:28,761 --> 00:31:30,763
You ever been to Mississippi?
459
00:31:34,851 --> 00:31:35,935
Mistake.
460
00:31:37,186 --> 00:31:40,565
M-I-S-S-T-A-K-E!
461
00:31:45,945 --> 00:31:49,616
You fucking kidding me?
Just a big hunk of racist dirt.
462
00:31:51,159 --> 00:31:54,370
Fucking Mississippi.
I was there a couple of months ago.
463
00:31:55,163 --> 00:31:57,165
I couldn't even tell what year it was.
464
00:31:58,374 --> 00:32:01,628
That's how fucked up and ghetto
that shit was.
465
00:32:01,711 --> 00:32:05,131
Like, God damn.
You know what Mississippi's like?
466
00:32:06,257 --> 00:32:08,509
You know, like,
when you go to the Caribbean?
467
00:32:09,260 --> 00:32:13,139
You know when you go to the Caribbean,
you land and you get in that van?
468
00:32:14,766 --> 00:32:18,895
That drive. That scary-ass drive...
469
00:32:19,938 --> 00:32:22,774
from the airport to the resort.
470
00:32:24,317 --> 00:32:27,528
And you're looking out the window,
you're like, "What the fuck?
471
00:32:28,404 --> 00:32:31,407
What the fuck is that shit?
472
00:32:31,616 --> 00:32:33,326
Oh, my God!
473
00:32:33,701 --> 00:32:34,994
Whoa!"
474
00:32:35,495 --> 00:32:37,747
You see little kids eating dreadlocks.
475
00:32:42,585 --> 00:32:45,046
You see Shabba Ranks stabbing a dog.
476
00:32:45,129 --> 00:32:47,173
Shabba. Shabba.
477
00:32:47,256 --> 00:32:49,509
Shabba. Shabba.
478
00:32:53,513 --> 00:32:57,183
See, people looking
like they never saw a car before.
479
00:33:06,150 --> 00:33:07,735
Wheel. Wheel.
480
00:33:09,529 --> 00:33:12,782
Then you get to the resort
and you're like, "Jamaica's nice."
481
00:33:21,165 --> 00:33:23,501
"It's so nice.
We should invite your mother."
482
00:33:27,463 --> 00:33:28,381
Shit.
483
00:33:29,090 --> 00:33:31,676
They give you one piña colada...
484
00:33:34,345 --> 00:33:37,598
and you forgive the worst poverty
you've ever seen.
485
00:33:42,979 --> 00:33:44,981
You take one sip, you're like...
486
00:33:45,356 --> 00:33:47,650
"That baby wasn't really dead, right?"
487
00:33:55,491 --> 00:33:57,160
"I can't wait to jet ski."
488
00:34:02,206 --> 00:34:05,251
Trying to find God before God finds me.
489
00:34:06,252 --> 00:34:08,004
Trying to get my life together, man.
490
00:34:08,379 --> 00:34:11,966
I had a crazy... Last few years have been
crazy for me, man.
491
00:34:12,300 --> 00:34:14,385
Uh... You know.
492
00:34:14,552 --> 00:34:17,430
Taking care of my kids, man.
I got divorced.
493
00:34:18,347 --> 00:34:20,725
Divorced. No, no. Don't...
494
00:34:21,684 --> 00:34:22,643
No.
495
00:34:22,727 --> 00:34:25,313
Don't clap for that shit
unless you're a lawyer.
496
00:34:27,148 --> 00:34:30,526
You don't wanna get divorced.
Let me tell you right now.
497
00:34:30,610 --> 00:34:33,738
I'm talking-- I'm talking from hell.
You don't want this shit.
498
00:34:34,280 --> 00:34:37,366
Telling you right. If you got somebody
you love, hold tight.
499
00:34:38,159 --> 00:34:39,994
That's right. Hold fucking tight.
500
00:34:40,828 --> 00:34:44,665
Commit. Don't be the one
that's always threatening to leave, too.
501
00:34:45,083 --> 00:34:47,335
That's right.
Love hard or get the fuck out.
502
00:34:47,919 --> 00:34:50,630
If you're gonna leave, leave right now.
503
00:34:51,255 --> 00:34:53,257
That's right. At the show. Right now.
504
00:34:55,635 --> 00:34:59,263
That's right. Just break up.
We got break up booths in the back.
505
00:35:00,807 --> 00:35:05,353
That's right. But before you leave, you
better make sure you got some options.
506
00:35:06,854 --> 00:35:11,317
Some of ya'll been in relationships
so long, you don't know how ugly you are.
507
00:35:17,490 --> 00:35:18,449
That's right.
508
00:35:18,574 --> 00:35:22,495
Love hard or get the fuck out.
509
00:35:22,578 --> 00:35:24,247
Ok. You hear me?
510
00:35:24,539 --> 00:35:26,165
I'm telling you right now.
511
00:35:26,916 --> 00:35:28,584
If you're in a relationship,
512
00:35:28,668 --> 00:35:32,672
all you should be doing is fucking
and going places.
513
00:35:34,340 --> 00:35:36,592
That's all you should be doing.
514
00:35:38,219 --> 00:35:40,221
Having sex and traveling.
515
00:35:40,638 --> 00:35:42,390
Fucking and going places.
516
00:35:42,515 --> 00:35:44,100
You should be coming and going.
517
00:35:48,146 --> 00:35:50,148
That's all you should be doing.
518
00:35:50,606 --> 00:35:52,942
Ok? People say,
"Oh, relationships are tough."
519
00:35:53,025 --> 00:35:53,901
No, they not.
520
00:35:54,152 --> 00:35:56,737
They're only tough when one person's
working on it.
521
00:35:57,446 --> 00:36:00,658
That's right. Two people could
move a couch real easy.
522
00:36:02,368 --> 00:36:04,370
One person can't move it at all.
523
00:36:04,996 --> 00:36:09,167
That's right. If you in a relationship,
let me try to help you right now, ok?
524
00:36:09,250 --> 00:36:11,377
I'm trying to fucking help you, ok?
525
00:36:11,836 --> 00:36:13,838
Ok, first rule. Rule one.
526
00:36:14,505 --> 00:36:16,299
Stop competing.
527
00:36:17,133 --> 00:36:18,885
It's not a fucking competition.
528
00:36:19,177 --> 00:36:20,219
That's right.
529
00:36:20,678 --> 00:36:25,183
Her success is your success
and your success is her success.
530
00:36:25,683 --> 00:36:27,768
Stop competing.
531
00:36:29,520 --> 00:36:31,522
Stop it, ok?
532
00:36:31,647 --> 00:36:33,149
Number two.
533
00:36:33,232 --> 00:36:35,401
Number two, ok?
534
00:36:36,986 --> 00:36:39,363
There is no equality in a relationship.
535
00:36:40,823 --> 00:36:42,825
It's like, "We equals." No, you're not.
536
00:36:43,242 --> 00:36:45,244
You're both there to serve.
537
00:36:45,953 --> 00:36:49,332
You're in the service industry, ok?
538
00:36:49,749 --> 00:36:50,708
That's right.
539
00:36:51,125 --> 00:36:54,170
When you're in a relationship,
you're in a band.
540
00:36:55,296 --> 00:36:56,881
You're in a fucking band.
541
00:36:57,256 --> 00:37:01,802
And when you're in a band, you have roles
that you play in the band.
542
00:37:02,261 --> 00:37:07,141
Sometimes you sing lead
and sometimes you're on tambourine.
543
00:37:11,896 --> 00:37:15,107
And if you're on tambourine,
play it right.
544
00:37:16,692 --> 00:37:19,862
Play it right.
Play it with a fucking smile.
545
00:37:20,655 --> 00:37:24,617
'Cause nobody wants to see
a mad tambourine player.
546
00:37:35,086 --> 00:37:37,046
That's right.
If you're gonna play tambourine,
547
00:37:37,129 --> 00:37:38,673
you play that motherfucker right.
548
00:37:38,756 --> 00:37:40,508
You play it with your ass, like...
549
00:37:40,591 --> 00:37:42,635
♪ Tambourine, motherfucker
Tambourine ♪
550
00:37:42,718 --> 00:37:44,428
♪ Tambourine, motherfucker
Tambourine ♪
551
00:37:44,512 --> 00:37:46,555
♪ Tambourine, motherfucker
Tambourine ♪
552
00:37:46,639 --> 00:37:48,891
♪ Tambourine, motherfucker
Tambourine ♪
553
00:37:51,435 --> 00:37:52,937
Play it like Tina Turner.
554
00:37:54,647 --> 00:37:56,399
That's right. You in a band.
555
00:37:57,149 --> 00:37:58,734
It's like Hall and Oates.
556
00:37:59,485 --> 00:38:01,195
I don't know what Oates does.
557
00:38:03,698 --> 00:38:06,075
But Hall never had a hit record
without him.
558
00:38:11,455 --> 00:38:15,084
Yeah, you wanna stay together.
How do you stay together?
559
00:38:15,626 --> 00:38:17,003
You gotta fuck.
560
00:38:18,838 --> 00:38:22,383
It's that simple. You gots to fuck.
561
00:38:23,926 --> 00:38:29,265
People are like, "When we got together,
it was so fun, but then problems arose."
562
00:38:29,807 --> 00:38:32,601
No they didn't. Nothing arose.
563
00:38:34,103 --> 00:38:38,774
Every problem you have today,
you had when you met.
564
00:38:39,066 --> 00:38:41,485
But you were fucking so you forgave.
565
00:38:48,451 --> 00:38:51,454
That's right.
You knew he didn't do dishes.
566
00:38:53,831 --> 00:38:55,458
But he gave you good dick.
567
00:38:57,043 --> 00:38:59,462
That was a swell trade. Dick for dishes.
568
00:39:00,963 --> 00:39:03,215
You used to love
washing them dick dishes.
569
00:39:07,678 --> 00:39:09,680
You knew she couldn't cook.
570
00:39:10,806 --> 00:39:12,224
But she licked your balls.
571
00:39:14,018 --> 00:39:16,437
You're like,
"Ah, keep licking. We'll order in."
572
00:39:20,691 --> 00:39:22,860
You gots to fuck.
573
00:39:23,402 --> 00:39:25,112
You gotta fuck. You gotta keep it up.
574
00:39:25,988 --> 00:39:28,908
And you gotta fuck
no matter what mood you're in.
575
00:39:29,241 --> 00:39:31,994
You gotta keep the shit moving.
576
00:39:32,119 --> 00:39:35,081
You can't wait for the Holy Ghost
to just get you.
577
00:39:37,666 --> 00:39:38,709
That's right.
578
00:39:39,085 --> 00:39:41,629
That's right.
Ladies, are you listening to me?
579
00:39:42,588 --> 00:39:45,466
Sometimes you gotta
suck a melancholy dick.
580
00:39:54,392 --> 00:39:56,394
You gotta do what you gotta do.
581
00:39:56,894 --> 00:39:59,397
'Cause I can eat pussy in a horrible mood.
582
00:40:03,818 --> 00:40:06,195
"I can't believe
there's no gas in the car."
583
00:40:14,161 --> 00:40:16,622
"Can't believe there's so much mold
in the basement."
584
00:40:21,585 --> 00:40:23,754
Shit, I eat pussy on 9/11.
585
00:40:29,301 --> 00:40:30,553
Where were you?
586
00:40:39,812 --> 00:40:43,107
No, man. You gots to fuck, man.
587
00:40:43,482 --> 00:40:46,527
Dude, I was married for 16 years.
588
00:40:47,069 --> 00:40:48,696
Married for 16 years. Yeah.
589
00:40:48,863 --> 00:40:51,490
That's a long run.
Hamilton won't last that long.
590
00:40:52,908 --> 00:40:57,288
I was married for 16 years
in the era of the cellphone.
591
00:40:58,831 --> 00:41:01,542
Which means my 16 years,
592
00:41:01,876 --> 00:41:05,421
is actually longer than my parents' 40.
593
00:41:06,297 --> 00:41:09,508
That's right. In 16 years,
I had more contact
594
00:41:09,592 --> 00:41:14,054
with my ex-wife than my parents did
in 40 years.
595
00:41:14,638 --> 00:41:17,475
Ok? My father used to leave for work
596
00:41:17,558 --> 00:41:20,811
at 6:30 in the morning
597
00:41:20,895 --> 00:41:24,064
and come home at 8:30 at night.
598
00:41:24,273 --> 00:41:29,737
And during the day, him and my mother
had absolutely no contact
599
00:41:29,820 --> 00:41:31,822
at all.
600
00:41:32,490 --> 00:41:33,657
None.
601
00:41:34,241 --> 00:41:35,201
Ok?
602
00:41:35,284 --> 00:41:37,870
That's what a relationship
used to be.
603
00:41:38,037 --> 00:41:40,039
The kids could've been dead.
604
00:41:41,540 --> 00:41:44,960
And he wouldn't have found that shit out
till he got home.
605
00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:48,589
He'd be like, "Baby, the kids are dead."
"What time they die?"
606
00:41:48,714 --> 00:41:50,716
"About eight hours ago."
"Damn, I missed it."
607
00:41:53,928 --> 00:41:56,222
Yes, that's right. You know what else?
608
00:41:56,305 --> 00:41:58,641
They actually missed each other.
609
00:41:59,016 --> 00:42:00,851
They missed each other.
610
00:42:01,227 --> 00:42:04,522
You know you can't miss nobody in 2017.
611
00:42:04,939 --> 00:42:06,941
Not really. You can say it.
612
00:42:07,191 --> 00:42:09,401
But you don't really miss a motherfucker.
613
00:42:09,818 --> 00:42:12,154
'Cause you with them all the time.
614
00:42:12,238 --> 00:42:14,240
They in your fucking pocket.
615
00:42:16,033 --> 00:42:20,287
Soon as you leave, man. Soon as you go
somewhere, you get a fucking text.
616
00:42:20,496 --> 00:42:22,706
You get a ping. You get a beep.
617
00:42:22,790 --> 00:42:26,627
You get a fucking Facebook, an Instagram,
you get something.
618
00:42:26,919 --> 00:42:28,295
You know, a FaceTime.
619
00:42:28,420 --> 00:42:30,464
And then later on your woman goes,
620
00:42:30,548 --> 00:42:32,383
"You act like you don't wanna talk."
621
00:42:34,134 --> 00:42:36,470
Like,
"What the fuck are you talking about?
622
00:42:36,554 --> 00:42:39,348
I know everything you did today.
623
00:42:40,766 --> 00:42:42,893
And I know how people felt about it.
624
00:42:45,312 --> 00:42:47,314
I gave you five likes, bitch.
625
00:42:50,609 --> 00:42:53,445
I gave you three smiley faces
and an eggplant."
626
00:42:58,534 --> 00:43:01,036
Dude, I was not, like, a good husband.
627
00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:03,622
I'll just... I was fucked up. You know?
628
00:43:03,706 --> 00:43:05,332
I was addicted to porn.
629
00:43:07,251 --> 00:43:09,753
I know, billion-dollar industry.
Just me. Right?
630
00:43:14,550 --> 00:43:16,552
I was addicted to porn.
631
00:43:16,635 --> 00:43:18,387
You know. And, you know. You know.
632
00:43:18,470 --> 00:43:20,598
I was 15 minutes late, everywhere.
633
00:43:26,312 --> 00:43:27,771
I got some witnesses.
634
00:43:29,273 --> 00:43:32,776
When you watch too much porn, you know
what happens? Here's what happens to you.
635
00:43:33,152 --> 00:43:35,904
You become, like, sexually autistic.
636
00:43:37,698 --> 00:43:40,409
You develop, like, sexual autism.
637
00:43:41,160 --> 00:43:44,079
You have a hard time
with eye contact and...
638
00:43:44,622 --> 00:43:46,332
verbal cues.
639
00:43:47,333 --> 00:43:49,668
You want everything to be routine.
640
00:43:50,002 --> 00:43:52,504
Like, you can't choke your woman
every night.
641
00:43:54,298 --> 00:43:55,674
You gotta mix it up.
642
00:43:56,091 --> 00:43:57,551
Choke-out Thursdays.
643
00:44:01,513 --> 00:44:05,643
And, what happens, too, you watch too much
porn, you get desensitized. You know?
644
00:44:05,726 --> 00:44:08,896
It's like, when you start watching porn,
it's like, any porn will do.
645
00:44:08,979 --> 00:44:10,773
It's like, "Ah, they're naked! Ooh-hoo!"
646
00:44:11,523 --> 00:44:14,026
Then later on, now you're all fucked up.
647
00:44:14,568 --> 00:44:17,363
And you need a perfect porn cocktail...
648
00:44:19,156 --> 00:44:20,908
to get you off, no?
649
00:44:20,991 --> 00:44:24,078
I was so fucked up. Like,
I'd need an Asian girl,
650
00:44:24,411 --> 00:44:26,413
with a black girl's ass...
651
00:44:27,247 --> 00:44:28,624
that speaks Spanish.
652
00:44:32,252 --> 00:44:34,922
Just to get my dick to move an inch.
653
00:44:37,591 --> 00:44:39,593
I'm a lot better now. Ladies...
654
00:44:39,677 --> 00:44:41,470
that's right, take care of your man.
655
00:44:41,553 --> 00:44:45,265
Fellas, take care of your wives,
your girlfriends. Take care of her.
656
00:44:45,933 --> 00:44:47,267
Or she will leave you.
657
00:44:48,352 --> 00:44:51,855
She will leave you either physically
or mentally.
658
00:44:52,648 --> 00:44:54,650
A woman can leave you mentally.
659
00:44:56,735 --> 00:45:00,364
That's right, like Star Trek.
Just telepath out this motherfucker.
660
00:45:01,740 --> 00:45:04,993
There's guys that think
they with they wife right now.
661
00:45:07,996 --> 00:45:10,582
But no, nigga, she left you months ago.
662
00:45:12,126 --> 00:45:14,128
She just came 'cause you got tickets.
663
00:45:18,716 --> 00:45:20,718
She ain't with you. She with me.
664
00:45:26,098 --> 00:45:29,560
Oh, man, the older you get,
the more shit you learn. One thing...
665
00:45:29,643 --> 00:45:31,395
the gangster-est shit in the world.
666
00:45:31,854 --> 00:45:36,525
You learn nothing more gangster,
nothing smarter,
667
00:45:37,067 --> 00:45:39,820
nothing more powerful than a housewife.
668
00:45:40,863 --> 00:45:43,949
Housewives are the smartest motherfuckers
on Earth.
669
00:45:44,575 --> 00:45:46,744
People think it's the working woman. No.
670
00:45:47,244 --> 00:45:48,495
Suckers work.
671
00:45:53,751 --> 00:45:54,668
That's right.
672
00:45:55,002 --> 00:45:58,005
Smart people find other people
to work for them.
673
00:45:59,590 --> 00:46:02,843
That's right. That's right.
They got the Housewives of Atlanta.
674
00:46:02,926 --> 00:46:05,304
They don't got the working bitches
of Atlanta.
675
00:46:08,056 --> 00:46:10,058
Nobody would watch that show.
676
00:46:10,893 --> 00:46:13,020
No, a housewife's a bad motherfucker, boy.
677
00:46:13,604 --> 00:46:16,064
'Cause the housewife has convinced
the husband...
678
00:46:16,732 --> 00:46:18,233
that it's his house, too.
679
00:46:20,527 --> 00:46:23,363
There's a lot of guys in here right now,
think they own a house.
680
00:46:24,448 --> 00:46:26,450
Think it's they house too. No.
681
00:46:26,742 --> 00:46:29,411
She took that house years ago.
682
00:46:30,287 --> 00:46:31,914
And the kids were in on it.
683
00:46:33,957 --> 00:46:35,167
That's right.
684
00:46:35,709 --> 00:46:37,878
That's right,
the housewife's a bad motherfucker.
685
00:46:37,961 --> 00:46:40,631
'Cause the housewife got a little time.
That's right.
686
00:46:40,714 --> 00:46:43,383
So, before Daddy come home,
the housewife get the kids together
687
00:46:43,467 --> 00:46:45,469
and they rehearse a little play...
688
00:46:47,554 --> 00:46:49,973
that they do when Daddy get home.
689
00:46:50,057 --> 00:46:53,060
It's like, "Ok, Daddy gonna be here
in five minutes. You know your lines?"
690
00:46:53,143 --> 00:46:55,395
"I miss you, Daddy." "Good. Good.
691
00:46:57,648 --> 00:47:00,150
You say that soon as he walk in, ok?
692
00:47:00,651 --> 00:47:03,445
I need you to grab his leg
and don't let go.
693
00:47:04,822 --> 00:47:07,324
I'm gonna give him a big piece of chicken.
694
00:47:08,909 --> 00:47:12,788
And when he fall asleep,
we go back to having our house."
695
00:47:12,871 --> 00:47:14,039
Ha-ha!
696
00:47:17,626 --> 00:47:21,046
That's right, fellas.
You don't own a house.
697
00:47:21,839 --> 00:47:24,091
If you live with a woman,
you don't have a house.
698
00:47:24,174 --> 00:47:25,551
That is her fucking house.
699
00:47:25,634 --> 00:47:28,762
Only man that owns anything is
a single man, ok?
700
00:47:29,388 --> 00:47:32,724
And fellas, here's the test, right now.
If you really think...
701
00:47:32,808 --> 00:47:34,309
you own a house, this the test.
702
00:47:35,060 --> 00:47:37,396
Ok, fellas, tonight when you go home,
703
00:47:37,771 --> 00:47:38,981
I want you to try....
704
00:47:39,940 --> 00:47:41,942
I want you to try....
705
00:47:42,359 --> 00:47:45,737
Fellas, when you go home tonight,
I want you to try...
706
00:47:46,655 --> 00:47:49,116
to hang up a picture of your mother.
707
00:47:58,542 --> 00:48:00,002
It's your house, right?
708
00:48:00,752 --> 00:48:01,795
Give it a shot.
709
00:48:04,673 --> 00:48:06,842
"What's that?"
"It's a picture of my mother."
710
00:48:06,925 --> 00:48:08,468
"I don't like that frame."
711
00:48:11,889 --> 00:48:14,391
You'll never see that picture again.
712
00:48:16,643 --> 00:48:18,645
Maybe at your mother's funeral.
713
00:48:19,688 --> 00:48:21,690
She'll go, "Look what I found."
714
00:48:22,482 --> 00:48:24,151
Motherfucker.
715
00:48:25,652 --> 00:48:28,030
Yo, ladies, if you got a good husband,
716
00:48:28,113 --> 00:48:29,698
got a good man, hold on tight.
717
00:48:30,449 --> 00:48:33,327
Another woman will take your husband.
718
00:48:34,161 --> 00:48:35,203
They'll take him.
719
00:48:36,079 --> 00:48:38,707
There's women in here right now
with stolen husbands.
720
00:48:41,168 --> 00:48:42,669
You know who you are.
721
00:48:44,254 --> 00:48:46,131
You're like, "That bitch was slipping."
722
00:48:49,384 --> 00:48:54,306
That's right. Hold tight or another woman
will take your man.
723
00:48:54,932 --> 00:48:55,849
Fellas,
724
00:48:57,017 --> 00:48:58,644
you don't gotta really worry about that.
725
00:48:59,853 --> 00:49:01,521
Nobody's taking your wife.
726
00:49:02,773 --> 00:49:05,442
Oh, don't get me wrong.
They'll fuck your wife.
727
00:49:07,569 --> 00:49:09,029
Oh, they'll fuck her good.
728
00:49:09,613 --> 00:49:11,615
They'll fuck her better than you.
729
00:49:12,574 --> 00:49:14,034
But they not gonna take her.
730
00:49:16,328 --> 00:49:20,374
There's no guy going, "Yeah, I want her
to yell at me the way she yells at him."
731
00:49:22,668 --> 00:49:25,504
"I wanna live in a house
with no pictures of my mother."
732
00:49:28,882 --> 00:49:31,385
Oh, they'll fuck her,
and then they'll return her.
733
00:49:32,386 --> 00:49:34,012
"I believe this is yours."
734
00:49:36,848 --> 00:49:38,850
"Bitch had me feeling bad about myself."
735
00:49:41,979 --> 00:49:43,105
Oh, man.
736
00:49:43,188 --> 00:49:45,565
I fucked up, man. Divorce, man.
737
00:49:46,566 --> 00:49:48,527
You don't want no parts of this shit, man.
738
00:49:48,860 --> 00:49:50,195
And... you know, it's...
739
00:49:50,278 --> 00:49:53,156
It's my fault 'cause
I'm a fucking asshole, man. I'm just...
740
00:49:53,240 --> 00:49:55,283
I... I wasn't... I wasn't a good husband.
741
00:49:55,367 --> 00:49:57,869
I wasn't a good husband. I didn't listen.
742
00:49:58,662 --> 00:50:00,038
I wasn't kind.
743
00:50:01,164 --> 00:50:03,166
True. True. You know?
744
00:50:03,250 --> 00:50:06,294
You know, I had an attitude.
I thought, "Ah, I pay for everything.
745
00:50:06,378 --> 00:50:07,587
I could do what I want."
746
00:50:07,963 --> 00:50:09,589
That shit don't fucking work.
747
00:50:10,882 --> 00:50:13,093
You know,
I just thought I was the shit, man.
748
00:50:13,176 --> 00:50:15,429
Uh, I didn't play the tambourine.
749
00:50:17,681 --> 00:50:20,392
You gotta play the tambourine.
Everybody gotta play the tambourine.
750
00:50:21,101 --> 00:50:22,144
I cheated.
751
00:50:25,272 --> 00:50:29,985
Yeah. I'm serious. I'm not bragging.
I cheated. I was, like, on the road.
752
00:50:30,944 --> 00:50:33,280
You know, I end up sleeping
with three different women.
753
00:50:33,363 --> 00:50:34,448
It's, like, fucked up.
754
00:50:34,531 --> 00:50:37,701
You know what's fucked up?
Here's the thing. When guys cheat...
755
00:50:38,243 --> 00:50:40,245
it's like, we want something new.
756
00:50:40,579 --> 00:50:42,456
We want something new, right?
757
00:50:42,539 --> 00:50:46,209
But, then, you know what happens?
Your woman finds out.
758
00:50:46,752 --> 00:50:48,211
And now she's new.
759
00:50:49,212 --> 00:50:51,214
She's never the same again.
760
00:50:51,757 --> 00:50:53,925
So, now you got new,
but you got a bad new.
761
00:50:55,302 --> 00:50:57,846
You know? You got bad fucking new, man.
762
00:50:58,263 --> 00:51:01,850
And I know every woman in here's like,
"Fuck you, Chris. What the fuck, man?
763
00:51:02,768 --> 00:51:05,020
You? I thought you was alright. You?
764
00:51:06,605 --> 00:51:07,689
Come on, Chris.
765
00:51:07,773 --> 00:51:11,068
What the fuck is wrong with you?
What the fuck is wrong with men?"
766
00:51:11,526 --> 00:51:13,695
I know a bunch of women are
thinking that right now.
767
00:51:13,779 --> 00:51:15,781
Every woman in here's like,
"Fuck you, Chris."
768
00:51:16,323 --> 00:51:20,994
And every guy in here right now is going,
"Three?"
769
00:51:24,372 --> 00:51:26,374
"That's it? Just three?
770
00:51:27,125 --> 00:51:28,502
God damn, nigga.
771
00:51:28,585 --> 00:51:31,088
I work at UPS.
I got more hoes than that.
772
00:51:34,299 --> 00:51:35,383
Three?
773
00:51:35,675 --> 00:51:37,677
You must've really loved your wife.
774
00:51:38,386 --> 00:51:39,846
You a romantic."
775
00:51:45,560 --> 00:51:47,562
Yo, you don't wanna get divorced, man.
776
00:51:47,646 --> 00:51:49,648
This shit is no joke, man.
777
00:51:49,731 --> 00:51:52,234
Had to go through a custody fight
for my kids.
778
00:51:52,776 --> 00:51:54,528
Just to see my kids, man.
779
00:51:54,903 --> 00:51:56,530
That shit's fucked up, man.
780
00:51:56,613 --> 00:51:57,823
First of all,
781
00:51:58,323 --> 00:52:03,078
you don't wanna be a man in family court.
782
00:52:04,538 --> 00:52:07,082
And you don't wanna be a black man
in any court.
783
00:52:08,625 --> 00:52:11,920
Ok, even the black judge comes to work
with his lawyer.
784
00:52:15,048 --> 00:52:17,342
And he keeps his robe on all day.
785
00:52:18,385 --> 00:52:20,387
And writes "Judge" on the back.
786
00:52:21,596 --> 00:52:24,224
Just in case somebody thinks
it's a nigga with a cape.
787
00:52:27,769 --> 00:52:29,354
"Is that a nigga with a cape?"
788
00:52:30,564 --> 00:52:32,107
"Nope, just a judge."
789
00:52:33,191 --> 00:52:36,987
Yo, man, I was in court.
That shit was scary, man.
790
00:52:37,070 --> 00:52:40,282
Like, to not know if you're gonna be able
to fucking see your kids.
791
00:52:40,740 --> 00:52:45,036
You know? And when I got divorced,
I wanted it to be smooth, you know?
792
00:52:45,370 --> 00:52:48,039
So, I bought a house around the corner.
793
00:52:48,498 --> 00:52:53,044
Ok? Like a fucking quarter of a mile.
LIke, right around the fucking corner.
794
00:52:53,128 --> 00:52:55,130
Damn near the same house, ok?
795
00:52:55,338 --> 00:52:57,591
But, it wasn't enough, man.
796
00:52:57,674 --> 00:53:01,511
I went in there and that judge was like,
"Uh, Mr. Rock,
797
00:53:02,345 --> 00:53:05,891
I need to see pictures...
798
00:53:06,641 --> 00:53:12,063
of the beds in the bedroom to make sure
the children have a place to sleep."
799
00:53:12,147 --> 00:53:13,815
I was like, "What... What...
800
00:53:13,899 --> 00:53:15,901
You think I got a manger? What?
801
00:53:17,777 --> 00:53:20,614
Like, I got a million-dollar house
with no beds?"
802
00:53:22,365 --> 00:53:24,910
Ok, showed him the picture, right?
803
00:53:25,243 --> 00:53:28,747
But that wasn't enough.
Then the judge was like, "Uh, Mr. Rock,
804
00:53:28,830 --> 00:53:34,753
I need to see pictures of the refrigerator
and the food inside...
805
00:53:35,253 --> 00:53:38,256
to make sure the children have
enough to eat."
806
00:53:38,340 --> 00:53:39,591
And I'm like...
807
00:53:41,051 --> 00:53:43,053
"What have you heard about me?"
808
00:53:47,390 --> 00:53:49,726
"I'm Chris Rock, not Chris Brown."
809
00:53:56,858 --> 00:53:58,360
Yo, man.
810
00:53:58,860 --> 00:54:01,529
Yo, fellas,
I hope none of you get divorced.
811
00:54:01,863 --> 00:54:04,407
I'm telling you right now, if you ever
812
00:54:04,616 --> 00:54:07,702
do anything good for your kids,
take a picture of that shit.
813
00:54:08,411 --> 00:54:11,873
If you hug them, take a picture.
If you feed them, take a picture.
814
00:54:12,082 --> 00:54:15,126
'Cause you never know when you might
need receipts of love.
815
00:54:16,503 --> 00:54:18,129
Winter is coming.
816
00:54:20,382 --> 00:54:24,052
It worked out. I got my kids.
I got my kids. I got my custody.
817
00:54:24,135 --> 00:54:26,137
It's fucking beautiful, ok?
818
00:54:26,680 --> 00:54:28,265
Got my kids, man.
819
00:54:29,057 --> 00:54:32,519
I just won them this afternoon.
I got my fucking kids, man.
820
00:54:32,602 --> 00:54:34,604
That shit was, like, humiliating, man.
821
00:54:34,688 --> 00:54:37,274
Trying to... prove your parenthood, man.
822
00:54:37,857 --> 00:54:41,820
So, I know I said you're not supposed
to compete in a relationship.
823
00:54:42,195 --> 00:54:44,781
But, after you go through that shit,
824
00:54:45,782 --> 00:54:48,118
like, "Am I gonna lose my kids?
825
00:54:48,201 --> 00:54:51,538
It's like, "Yo, I'm going hard,
every time I have my kids."
826
00:54:52,122 --> 00:54:54,666
And I always went hard,
but I'm going extra hard.
827
00:54:54,791 --> 00:54:57,043
"I don't know what you're doing
at your mother's house,
828
00:54:57,127 --> 00:54:58,461
but we gonna top that shit."
829
00:54:59,838 --> 00:55:01,840
Every motherfucking time, ok?
830
00:55:02,048 --> 00:55:04,050
Sometimes I bring guest stars.
831
00:55:06,303 --> 00:55:09,264
I make sure they go back to her
with a story.
832
00:55:09,347 --> 00:55:12,183
They like, "Mama, Mama,
Drake helped me with my homework."
833
00:55:16,855 --> 00:55:19,524
"Lady Gaga made me
a grilled cheese sandwich."
834
00:55:22,736 --> 00:55:24,612
Ya'll think I'm bullshitting.
835
00:55:25,697 --> 00:55:27,699
Check my Instagram, alright?
836
00:55:29,451 --> 00:55:30,910
And the crazy thing is...
837
00:55:32,037 --> 00:55:34,914
So, after you get through
the custody thing,
838
00:55:34,998 --> 00:55:38,543
then you gotta divide the money.
That's some fucking scary shit, man.
839
00:55:38,626 --> 00:55:41,463
And whoever, whoever...
840
00:55:42,297 --> 00:55:45,300
makes the most money has to pay
the legal fees for the other person.
841
00:55:45,383 --> 00:55:48,636
So, I had to pay
for a lawyer to divorce me.
842
00:55:50,722 --> 00:55:53,183
That's like hiring a hit man to kill you.
843
00:55:54,434 --> 00:55:56,436
It's like, "Ok, here's a picture of me.
844
00:55:59,022 --> 00:56:01,024
I'm gonna be at Burger King...
845
00:56:01,399 --> 00:56:03,735
at 10:38, ok?
846
00:56:03,985 --> 00:56:06,863
Shoot me in the head
and give me a call."
847
00:56:08,656 --> 00:56:09,699
So..
848
00:56:11,159 --> 00:56:14,746
I'm in court. Yo, one day I'm in court
and I'm just looking around.
849
00:56:15,288 --> 00:56:19,542
And, you know, she got three lawyers.
I got three lawyers.
850
00:56:19,959 --> 00:56:21,961
Shit's expensive as fuck.
851
00:56:22,712 --> 00:56:24,714
She got three lawyers.
I got three lawyers.
852
00:56:24,798 --> 00:56:26,508
The judge. The bailiff.
853
00:56:26,674 --> 00:56:30,011
The stenographer. And I'm looking
at all these motherfuckers, man.
854
00:56:30,595 --> 00:56:33,598
I was like,
"Wow, look at this whole town."
855
00:56:34,391 --> 00:56:35,642
Just here.
856
00:56:36,309 --> 00:56:40,230
And I'm looking at all these people
and realize, like, everybody in this room
857
00:56:40,313 --> 00:56:42,273
is far more educated than me.
858
00:56:42,899 --> 00:56:45,568
Everybody.
I dropped out of Boys High, ok.
859
00:56:45,652 --> 00:56:48,154
Got college motherfuckers coming at me,
right?
860
00:56:48,446 --> 00:56:53,368
And I realize everybody in the room, born
to much better circumstances than me.
861
00:56:53,451 --> 00:56:55,662
I'm from Bed-motherfucking-Stuy, baby.
862
00:56:55,912 --> 00:56:59,082
And everybody in there is there
to take my money.
863
00:57:01,751 --> 00:57:05,588
It's like, "Everybody in here is gonna
leave with more money except me."
864
00:57:06,798 --> 00:57:11,261
And they got up that morning. They
brushed they teeth. They put on suits.
865
00:57:11,428 --> 00:57:16,516
They fixed their hair with
the sole purpose of taking my shit.
866
00:57:16,933 --> 00:57:20,854
And, at that moment, I realized something.
867
00:57:21,980 --> 00:57:23,022
I made it.
868
00:57:31,156 --> 00:57:32,407
I made it.
869
00:57:32,657 --> 00:57:34,951
Started from the bottom,
now I'm here.
870
00:57:36,035 --> 00:57:37,579
I made it, man.
871
00:57:37,829 --> 00:57:41,332
And after that, I was like, "Fuck it,
take it. Whatever you need. Take it.
872
00:57:41,416 --> 00:57:43,835
I'll be alright. I'm gonna work.
It's gonna be good."
873
00:57:44,210 --> 00:57:48,006
'Cause here's the crazy thing. Some
of these lessons, you just gotta learn.
874
00:57:48,381 --> 00:57:50,508
Like, I brought this shit on myself.
875
00:57:50,884 --> 00:57:54,637
You know? Nobody told me
to go ho up, you know.
876
00:57:58,099 --> 00:57:59,601
I brought this shit on myself.
877
00:57:59,684 --> 00:58:03,062
And, you just gotta learn some lessons.
Some man lessons. Ok?
878
00:58:03,438 --> 00:58:06,816
I know it's hard being a woman,
but there's a coldness...
879
00:58:07,233 --> 00:58:08,860
that you have to accept...
880
00:58:09,694 --> 00:58:12,155
when you're a man,
especially a black man. It's like...
881
00:58:12,238 --> 00:58:14,741
The worlds cold as a motherfucker, ok?
882
00:58:15,200 --> 00:58:17,285
When you get older, one thing I learned...
883
00:58:18,161 --> 00:58:23,124
only women, children and dogs...
884
00:58:23,833 --> 00:58:25,960
are loved unconditionally.
885
00:58:28,296 --> 00:58:32,342
Women, children, and dogs are loved
unconditionally.
886
00:58:32,884 --> 00:58:35,595
A man is only loved...
887
00:58:36,179 --> 00:58:39,599
under the condition
that he provides something.
888
00:58:40,517 --> 00:58:41,434
Ok?
889
00:58:41,559 --> 00:58:43,728
I've never heard a woman
in my life say,
890
00:58:43,811 --> 00:58:46,814
"You know, after he got laid off,
we got so much closer."
891
00:58:50,193 --> 00:58:53,696
No, no, no.
I once heard my grandmother say,
892
00:58:53,780 --> 00:58:57,033
"A broke man is like a broke hand.
893
00:58:57,909 --> 00:58:59,911
Can't do nothing with it."
894
00:59:01,746 --> 00:59:04,249
What kind of gangster shit is that?
895
00:59:07,919 --> 00:59:13,925
That's right. Women, children,
and dogs are loved unconditionally.
896
00:59:14,259 --> 00:59:18,388
A man is only loved under the condition
that he provides something.
897
00:59:18,596 --> 00:59:20,014
That's right, fellas,
898
00:59:20,098 --> 00:59:21,641
when you meet a new girl,
899
00:59:22,141 --> 00:59:24,143
what do your friends ask you?
900
00:59:24,394 --> 00:59:25,603
"What's she look like?"
901
00:59:26,229 --> 00:59:28,856
Ladies, when you meet a new guy,
902
00:59:29,941 --> 00:59:32,151
what do your friends ask you?
903
00:59:32,443 --> 00:59:34,153
"What does he do?"
904
00:59:34,737 --> 00:59:41,286
"What the fuck does that nigga do
that can help you out?
905
00:59:42,996 --> 00:59:46,708
Can this motherfucker
facilitate a dream or not?
906
00:59:48,668 --> 00:59:51,379
Even right now, Michelle Obama
907
00:59:51,671 --> 00:59:54,799
is looking at Barack, going,
"What's your plans, nigga?"
908
01:00:03,975 --> 01:00:05,977
"How's that book turning out?
909
01:00:06,769 --> 01:00:08,396
I need to see some pages."
910
01:00:14,402 --> 01:00:17,155
I remember,
right when my divorce was final,
911
01:00:17,905 --> 01:00:21,826
I was at a party and I saw Rihanna.
912
01:00:22,660 --> 01:00:24,996
I was like, "Ok, let's start this again."
913
01:00:30,460 --> 01:00:32,545
So, I'm at this party, I see Rihanna.
914
01:00:32,629 --> 01:00:34,714
I was like, "Ok, let me say whats up."
Right?
915
01:00:40,595 --> 01:00:42,597
And I'm like, "How you doing, Rihanna?"
916
01:00:44,515 --> 01:00:46,517
You ever forget how old you are?
917
01:00:48,853 --> 01:00:52,315
Rihanna looked at me
like I was one of her aunts. Like...
918
01:00:54,484 --> 01:00:59,572
She didn't even register me
as a dick-carrying member of society.
919
01:01:01,115 --> 01:01:04,285
Like, I would have had an easier time
fucking Aretha Franklin.
920
01:01:08,873 --> 01:01:12,502
Ah, man. I'm retired. I am, uh...
This cheat shit. I'm done.
921
01:01:13,461 --> 01:01:15,463
I'm done. You get to a certain age.
922
01:01:15,963 --> 01:01:18,257
You go, you lost... Shit.
You lose enough shit.
923
01:01:18,341 --> 01:01:19,759
It's like, "Fuck this."
924
01:01:20,218 --> 01:01:21,928
I am done cheating.
925
01:01:22,345 --> 01:01:25,598
I'm... Hey, I love pussy,
but I like peace more.
926
01:01:27,225 --> 01:01:30,019
Peace is better than pussy.
927
01:01:30,770 --> 01:01:32,772
Peace makes my dick hard.
928
01:01:35,400 --> 01:01:38,152
I need motherfucking peace, motherfucker.
929
01:01:38,236 --> 01:01:40,238
You wanna be my girl? Be peaceful.
930
01:01:40,655 --> 01:01:42,657
Just some peace, motherfucker.
931
01:01:43,241 --> 01:01:45,451
That's right, I ain't cheating at all,
you know.
932
01:01:45,535 --> 01:01:47,537
I mean, unless Rihanna, you know...
933
01:01:50,248 --> 01:01:53,584
It's all good, man. Now I'm dating.
I'm actually dating.
934
01:01:54,127 --> 01:01:55,753
It's just weird, man.
935
01:01:55,837 --> 01:01:58,214
It's weird.
I was married for a long time, man.
936
01:01:58,297 --> 01:02:01,801
You know, I date some girls my age.
And some a little younger.
937
01:02:01,884 --> 01:02:03,469
That shit is crazy, man.
938
01:02:04,053 --> 01:02:06,055
Yo, shit has changed.
939
01:02:06,389 --> 01:02:08,391
These girls fuck fast now.
940
01:02:09,559 --> 01:02:12,645
They fuck fast and they leave.
941
01:02:13,896 --> 01:02:16,733
They just get the fuck out yo house.
942
01:02:17,442 --> 01:02:20,111
They just fuck and leave.
I'm like, "Where you going?
943
01:02:23,614 --> 01:02:24,866
It's yo place."
944
01:02:28,953 --> 01:02:30,955
And they fuck immediately.
945
01:02:31,122 --> 01:02:33,124
I'm a grown man.
946
01:02:33,458 --> 01:02:35,585
And I'm like, "This is inappropriate."
947
01:02:42,967 --> 01:02:46,262
My God. Young girls like to get on top.
948
01:02:46,679 --> 01:02:49,098
Always wanna get on top.
"Let me ride it, Daddy.
949
01:02:49,182 --> 01:02:51,893
Let me get on top. Let me ride it.
Let me get on top.
950
01:02:51,976 --> 01:02:53,728
Let me ride it. Let me ride it.
951
01:02:53,811 --> 01:02:57,440
Let me ride it." You can't get
no 45 year-old-woman to get on top.
952
01:02:57,523 --> 01:03:00,193
She's like,
"Nigga, you lucky I'm laying like this."
953
01:03:04,864 --> 01:03:07,825
"I'll turn over to help you finish,
but that's about it.
954
01:03:09,160 --> 01:03:10,995
These knees are delicate."
955
01:03:13,790 --> 01:03:17,794
Shit, I'm on Tinder right now,
under my own name.
956
01:03:21,672 --> 01:03:24,425
My friends are like,
"You can't be under your own name.
957
01:03:24,509 --> 01:03:27,762
What if you find a woman that just wants
you 'cause you're Chris Rock?" I'm like,
958
01:03:27,845 --> 01:03:29,305
"But I am Chris Rock.
959
01:03:31,682 --> 01:03:34,060
What should I put?
'Cedric the Entertainer'?"
960
01:03:38,523 --> 01:03:41,984
Shit, my profile picture
on Tinder right now
961
01:03:42,276 --> 01:03:44,862
is me, butt-naked,
962
01:03:45,738 --> 01:03:47,740
holding a microphone,
963
01:03:48,825 --> 01:03:50,076
and a tambourine.
964
01:03:51,202 --> 01:03:53,204
Hey, I'm out of here. Ya'll take care.
965
01:03:53,287 --> 01:03:54,372
Thank you.
966
01:04:00,920 --> 01:04:02,839
♪ Oh, my God, here you are♪
967
01:04:02,922 --> 01:04:06,092
♪ Prettiest thing in life I've ever seen♪
968
01:04:06,717 --> 01:04:08,886
♪ Mm-hmm ♪
969
01:04:08,970 --> 01:04:10,930
♪ Close my eyes, what's it like? ♪
970
01:04:11,013 --> 01:04:14,350
♪ What's it like inside your tambourine? ♪
971
01:04:16,936 --> 01:04:18,980
♪ Oh, my God, there I go ♪
972
01:04:19,063 --> 01:04:22,525
♪ Falling in love
With a face in a magazine ♪
973
01:04:22,608 --> 01:04:24,902
♪ Uh-oh, oh, no ♪
974
01:04:24,986 --> 01:04:26,904
♪ All alone, by myself ♪
975
01:04:27,029 --> 01:04:31,075
♪ Me and I, play my tambourine ♪
976
01:04:31,158 --> 01:04:33,911
♪ Tambourine ♪
977
01:04:35,121 --> 01:04:37,748
♪ Tambourine ♪
978
01:04:39,125 --> 01:04:41,794
♪ Tambourine ♪
979
01:04:44,589 --> 01:04:45,882
♪ The tambourine ♪
77058
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.