Original subtitles

- Hey, jaywalkers!

Hey, you motherfucker, you best be crossing at the light!

You're gonna get fucked up!

No, you do it here!

Do it here, you see?

You fuck 'em up.

You don't see the sign, man?

What good is it for you to pay the taxes

on a sign, and you're not gonna use it?

Oh, shit!

See?

Fucking working for everybody, bro.

Working for everybody.

Go ahead.

Fuck this sign!

Fuck this sign.

Fuck this sign.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Buddy, come on.

- What do you mean, whoa?

- Whoa, whoa, come on.

Don't be an asshole. - No, it's my friend.

- Why was he acting like that?

- I don't know.

He's just being a really big baby.

- And you only have one sibling, right?

- Yeah, my little bro.

- And you guys get along?

- Yeah, we hang out all the time.

- You hang out?

- Like drink beer in the garage with friends.

- Oh, that sounds awesome.

- I look forward to it.

- Me and my sister, we'll go

to concerts and shit together.

You think it's weird that we talk about sex?

- Who?

- Me and my sister.

- You have sex with your sister?

- What?

No, no, no, we talk about sex.

She'll be like, "Yeah, I was fucking this dude.

"He had all this shit in his teeth."

And I'll tell her about the girls I've been boning.

- You know what?

I don't really want to hear about that.

- What? - That's weird.

- All right, come on. - That's not weird.

- Let's go. - It is, yeah, it is.

- Time for work, come on.

- But okay, so I guess that's it.

- Let's go.

- But all day today, I'll think about seeing you tomorrow.

- Oh, see how nice he can be?

- A prince.

- Hey, Monica, Monica!

- Come on. - Bye, Lonnie.

- Let's go.

Wrap it up.

- I don't know, is it weird

that I think she's really hot?

- No, she's beautiful.

- Yeah, she got a boyfriend, though.

- Yeah, but she don't like him.

- How do you know?

- How long did it take for her to bring him up?

- I don't know, why?

- Exactly, I met the dude.

He's kind of a pill.

- A pill, what do you mean, like a mope?

- Yeah, like a mope.

He's the guy she was fucking in college

and now she doesn't know how to get rid of him.

- You assume!

- Yeah, I do, and when I assume, I'm usually right.

That's what happens when you're brought up Catholic

and you go to college, and you want to fuck.

You pick a fellow out that doesn't

disgust you and you call it a boyfriend.

It eases the bred-in guilt.

- Hmm, objection.

- Grounds?

- That you did not go to college.

- Overruled.

- Overruled, overruled, why?

- Because I fuck a lot of college girls.

- Ay-yai-yai.

You know what's fucked up?

People still talk about Seinfeld.

You say something to somebody, and they're like,

"Oh yeah, like that Seinfeld.

"Did you ever see that Seinfeld?"

It's weird, man.

The show's been off the air for like 10 years.

- Oh, more than 10 years.

We were in high school when that show went off the air.

- No.

- Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

- Wait.

Okay.

And, what year did we graduate again?

- I don't care.

- Huh, shit, '98.

- We graduated in 1988?

- That's what it says here.

- What, that we graduated in '98?

- No, it says Seinfeld.

- Oh, Seinfeld's '98.

- Yeah, it says... - What year did we graduate?

- No, I think we graduated in '98, too.

- Oh, so they both happened in '98?

- We both graduated in '98.

- We both graduated in '98.

- Yeah.

What the fuck have we been doing for the last 10 years, man?

- 16 years.

- Holy shit.

- I'm gonna stop thinking about that right now.

- That's probably a good idea.

- Okay, here you go.

- All right, thank you.

- My dog got into some of that stuff you were using.

- The mud?

- Yeah, he ate some of it.

Is that bad?

- It ain't good.

- Any idea what I should do?

- Just keep an eye on him.

Make sure they poop in the next 24 hours.

It happens.

- Oh, okay.

- They love that stuff for some reason.

- All right, thank you.

- Nothing to worry about.

- All right.

Come on, guys.

- Bert? - Yeah, babe.

- You hear about those kids in Romeoville?

- Uh-uh.

No, what should I have heard?

- Fucking kids are nuts.

They take their friend, light him on fire

and then they were gonna cut him up and bury him.

That didn't work.

They take him, throw him in back of his mother's car,

and then they go play video games all night.

- Jesus Christ, that's fucked up.

- Yeah, I know, you know what?

This whole Chicago area is going to hell.

- Yeah, Romeoville, right?

- Yeah, Romeoville, Chicago, just

aggravates the hell out of me.

Hey, did you drive tonight, Lonnie?

- No, I didn't.

I walked from home.

Yeah, I was at home.

I didn't want to be there.

So I figured I would come down here and hang out with you

as fucking sad as that sounds.

- Come on, it's not that fucking sad.

- It's not that fucking sad?

- Come on, I'm not that bad, am I?

- No, you're not that bad.

- Ah, come on, here.

Let's make it a little happier.

- Oh, happier, isn't alcohol a depressant?

- Not when it's free.

There you go, pal. - Thanks, Phil.

- All right, salud.

- Salud.

What do I owe you for everything?

- You know what?

Just call it 25.

- Okay, oh, shit, thanks.

There you go.

Have a good night.

- All right, you too.

Be careful out there, okay?

See you tomorrow.

- I can't see anything.

- Oh, you dick.

- Oh, my purse.

- No, I got it.

Hey, no, no, hey, come here.

I got it.

It's right here.

It's on my shoulder.

Wait, wait, what?

What the hell was that?

- I don't know.

Oh.

- Okay, okay, come on.

Come on.

Turn over.

Come here.

Come here.

Give me these.

Here, sit, sit up.

- Are you tucking me in?

- Yeah, I guess so.

- Gross.

- I'm gonna go sleep on the couch, okay?

- No, you're supposed to stay here with me.

- Okay, I don't think that's a good idea.

- Come here.

- No, stop fucking with me, please.

- Fine, pussy.

- Okay.

Okay.

Guess how many miles I ran yesterday?

- A million miles!

- Why you gotta guess so, no.

I ran five miles.

- Should I have guessed four and a half?

- Let me tell you.

It was really hard, but I powered through it.

I was having a good time, and now I got the shin splints.

- You don't have shin splints.

- Well, they hurt like hell.

- Of course it hurts.

When was the last time you exercised?

- No.

- You ran five miles?

- I jogged five miles.

- Jogged five miles.

- Five miles, though.

- Your shins are sore, but you don't have shin splints.

Your butt's probably sore.

- It is. - Do you have ass splints?

- No.

- It's like the most annoying thing in the world

when people start jogging and then they quit

because they've heard of shin splints.

- Well, you always explains

things to me so I understands them.

- Somebody's gots to, Lonnie, somebody's gots to.

- I ain't gettin' no more clean otherwise.

- What?

- No!

- What the hell, dude.

Come on.

- No! - Ow, fuck!

- Leave me alone.

- Mike.

Mike?

Michael?

Michael?

Mike?

Can I trade you

one of my oranges for one

of your special oranges?

Ow!

- What the fuck?

- Pull!

- Hear about that old guy, he shot one

of the intruders that was robbing his house?

- No, I didn't.

What happened? - He's totally fucked.

The guy was running the other way,

so he wasn't in any danger.

- Yeah, I don't really give a shit about that.

You know what scares me is the other people.

- That's what we're saying, dickhead.

- Pull!

- Every time somebody gets shot,

it's always the gun they're after.

- Right, 'cause if he had a lead pipe

he'd have beat those kids to death with it.

- But here's the thing, though.

- The fuck's that mean?

- Think about it, idiot.

- Pull! - Listen.

If the guy hadn't had those guns,

he wouldn't have shot those people, right?

- You asked him?

- No, I assumed, and when I assume...

- You make an ass...

- No, I am usually right when I assume.

- Pull! - All right.

- Hold on a second.

Let me load the fucking track.

- You see a guy raping a girl, can you shoot him?

- Pull!

- No, you tell him to knock it off.

- Self-defense only.

- You want me to?

- No, I got it.

- All right. - I got it.

You know, sometimes I get so bored or so drunk

that I think about blowing my head off

or shooting it out the window.

- Why don't you?

- I don't know, just lazy.

- Pull!

- That's like fucking Campbell.

Easy.

- Wait, what do you mean like fucking Campbell?

What are you talking about?

- He fucking killed himself.

- Wait, when?

- Pull.

- Hold on.

- New Year's Eve.

- The 18th, I heard. - Nobody told me.

- Wait, what'd you say?

- December 18th.

- December 18th, okay.

- Dude, but nobody told me, though.

- Yeah, man, it's Campbell.

It's not like they set up a scholarship

fund for the fucking guy.

- Why the fuck didn't anybody tell me?

- I guess we filed it in our give-a-shit file and moved on.

Pull! - Seriously.

- Think someone would have seen something.

- Pull!

- Will somebody tell me what the

fuck actually happened, though?

- I don't think there's a funeral or anything.

- Pull!

- They didn't really keep in touch at all.

He was with a girl.

She got tired of being with a drunk, I guess.

New Year's Eve, lonely, probably...

- Drunk out of his mind.

- Yeah, fucking killed himself.

- You surprised?

- No, not really.

- Pull!

- Yeah, it sounds like a really good time.

No, it sounds like you're gonna be having a really fun time.

You still there?

You all right?

I guess I'll just go fuck myself then.

- Well, I already got the tickets and everything.

I didn't buy them.

I don't know how to answer that.

- 50 cents box, four, seven, three.

Nine, one, six.

One, zero, eight.

Eight, three, one.

Six, one, six.

- Hi, Monica.

- Chuck's out back already.

- Okay, I'll just go fuck myself then.

- Oh my God, would you?

- How's your morning going?

- Who died?

Fine, Lonnie, how is your morning

that is just beginning going so far?

- It's good, this part.

I like this part.

It's fun.

It's about to suck.

How'd that test go?

- It wasn't a test, but it was good.

- My smart phone is fucking stupid.

458 on the work order, Fairview.

Do you know where 458 Fairview is at?

- Did you plug the street address in?

- Yeah, I plugged it in.

- No, the.

Okay, first of all, you have to use the pass code.

Do you know what the pass code is?

- Gotta do that first.

- Yeah, you have to unlock it.

Do you know the password?

- In no uncertain terms.

She feels awful about it, just terrible.

- Hey, part-time.

- Never touches the drum thing again.

Just sits there, lying totally to waste, collecting dust.

So what do we do?

We buy a house.

We buy a house so she can play

the video game drums at 9:00 p.m. on a Tuesday.

- Chopping off your head to fix a toothache.

- Yeah, exactly, I like it, though.

It's nice.

It's nice to have a to-do list

you actually give a shit about.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, what school district?

- Uh, 99?

- That's good.

That's where we were before we moved.

- Yeah, it's nice. - Yeah.

- The only part about the neighborhood I don't like,

kind of bothers me, is you have to drive everywhere.

You know, literally everywhere.

You want to get a gallon of milk.

You gotta get in your car and go

like two miles down the road.

It's kind of fucking with me.

- Yeah, well at least you know

where your money's going for the next 30 years, right?

- Thanks, that's helpful, good to know.

- Good time to buy.

- Yeah.

- Communities used to build themselves.

Now, you got to buy your way in.

It's all become a grid.

Home Depot, Meijer, Bennies, Sam's, Ikea.

Three miles down the road, Bennies, Home Depot, Office Max.

- And Wal-Mart.

- Then how much you make determines which grid

and how far you are from black people.

The fuck you want?

- We do live near Section 8 housing.

- What the fuck do you want?

- Shut the fuck up!

Shut up!

- 43, so that would be two games left.

- This is what I get for fucking playing 13-year-olds.

Piece of shit, does your mom know you're up this late?

Huh, you little bitch?

All right, now, watch how...

Watch how a fucking man does it, huh?

Oh!

- We're in the lead!

- Kill confirmed.

- It's crazy how somebody's

really fucking sniping on this map.

- That sounds really nice.

- It is.

- Okay, well, just think of me here

sitting around with my thumb up my ass while you're there.

- I don't know what to say that.

- Yeah, you don't know what to say to anything.

- You and your feelings.

- Okay, how 'bout this?

I don't want to be just the guy

that you're fucking, which I love.

I love that part.

I'm not complaining about that.

But, please, let me know, so I don't feel like I'm gonna die

standing around waiting, wondering whether or not

you're gonna invite me to a Sunday dinner at some point.

- Okay, I'm not ready for that.

- Ouch, but okay.

Why don't we just say that instead of you standing around

shuffling your feet and scratching the countertop?

- I get scared because every

relationship I'm in I get bored.

- Every relationship?

How many relationships have you been in?

- I just broke up with my boyfriend for you.

What is that cunty face?

- You act like you're 40 years old

and have been engaged three times.

- I don't know what that means.

- It means that the best day of my life

is when you broke up with that dude, but come on.

- Come on, what?

Don't piss me off, just...

- It was a long-distance thing that you weren't that into.

And a relationship is just a little bit more than having sex

with somebody in your group of friends at college.

Otherwise, that's just Catholic at college.

- You don't...

- And you didn't mention him for like an entire

month after we started hanging out.

- I don't want to talk about this.

- Okay.

- So, what is it like to know everything, hm?

- Oh, I get pretty tired of people

resenting me for it all the time.

- I'm gonna go.

- Okay.

Hey, you know what I mean, though, right?

- Yeah.

- So these snakehead fish, they're...

- How you doing?

- Can I get three wet?

Two with hot giardin and one with sweet pepperoncinis to go.

- Anything else?

- No, that's it.

- Looking for you.

- You know what we could do?

We could just not go to...

- $17.94.

- Yeah, that's true.

You could.

- Thanks, man. - Thank you very much.

- Have a good day.

- Oh, shit! - Oh, oh, shit!

Sully, what's up, man?

- What's up, Lonnie?

How you doing?

- Oh my God, it's good to see you.

How's it going? - Good to see you, good, good.

Hey, this is my wife Katherine.

- Your wife?

Oh my God, holy shit. - Hi.

- Sully got married.

- Two years.

- Two years? - It is so funny.

- What's so funny?

- Oh, we were just talking about how whenever

we come out here, everyone starts calling him Sully.

- Oh, yeah, you know what?

I know, I know, and if someone had actually asked me

his first name, it would have taken me a minute to remember.

So where are you guys living?

- Yorkville.

- Oh, Jesus, really?

No wonder you're here.

- It's where she's from. - That's where I'm from.

- Are people from Yorkville, really?

- So what are you doing?

- I'm good.

I've just been working with Chuck.

I'm here, I'm gonna get some beef,

gonna see my dad, we're gonna watch the game.

- Yeah, how's he doing?

- He's good, he's fucking crazy.

- He's good, though?

- Yeah, he's good, yeah.

How's it going with you?

Did you ever get that mole removed off your dong?

- I think that's somebody else's dong.

- No, I think that's your dong.

- You've had so many dongs that you...

- I know, there's a lot of them.

- Hey, we're pregnant.

- Oh my God, wow, that's awesome.

- Thanks. - Congratulations.

- Thank you. - Thanks, we're excited.

- That's awesome, wow, fuck!

- What was your name again?

- Lonnie. - Lonnie.

Sorry, one second.

- She used to say, "Well,

"it used to work when you were a baby."

So she kept doing it.

He would come home from school during lunch.

And he'd be like, "Mama, Mama.

"It hurts."

- I don't know.

Where are your counters?

- Good question. - When are they coming?

Okay, I don't know what to say

to these kind of people, right?

- Tell them to fuck off.

- Yeah, that'd be nice.

- Yeah, you'd like to.

So anyway, we jump in the truck,

fucking fly out to Romeoville.

- Monica?

Monica?

How's Brian doing?

We never see him anymore.

- Oh, that's 'cause we're not together anymore.

- Oh, oh no.

- Yeah, it's okay.

I broke up with him.

- Oh, sweetie, you two were so cute together.

- Were we?

- Sure you were.

- No, I think it was just me.

- So, how's school going?

- It's good.

- Good.

- Yeah.

- And we lost her, there she goes.

- Hey. - Hey.

- You need sleeves for that shirt, I got some inside.

- No, I'm good. - All right.

- Thanks. - Thanks.

- Yeah.

- Huh?

- Yeah, it's cool. - All right.

So what else is going on?

- Nothing.

My clan made 50.

- What the hell does that mean?

- Guys I play video games with.

We made 50.

- You still with that shit, huh?

- 50 all over the world, Dad.

- Yeah, well, it's bad for your head, that shit.

So is staying in so much.

What's going on with that girl?

- Nothing, you know what, though?

I think it's okay 'cause I'm handsome.

- Well, you got to be more than handsome

if she's the prize you're describing.

- No, I meant like I don't look

like a video game guy, so it's okay.

- Stands to reason.

- I thought you were bringing beef?

- I did, it's right there.

- Oh, I'm fucking starving.

- You say hello? - Hi.

- Aren't you gonna say anything about Dad's cool invention?

- Oh, that's awesome.

Come on, Dad, bros before hos.

Let's go.

- I don't even know what that thing does.

- Bradley used to say, "Hey, Brethren,

"let's go to the Chinese food restaurant.

"Let's go to the Chinaman.

"Let's call up the Chinaman."

- Sure, yeah. - Right?

- I used to make a stir-fry.

Girlfriend of mine lived next door when we were

in the house on Cicero gave me the recipe.

I probably made it twice a month.

Then when Bud was getting on, he wasn't eating as much.

I'd make a pot of soup.

- Mike.

- Who's that?

- That's her.

That there, that's the guitar.

- That's awesome.

- Okay, let me show you something else.

- I'm going to make that next week.

He said, "No, no, don't worry about it."

I'm gonna make you your stir-fry.

- Holy shit.

- And he says, "Lil, I never

"really cared for your stir-fry."

- What'd you say?

- I just said "Okay, I won't make it."

Took him 30 years to say something.

- Think it was like five feet.

- Jesus Christ.

- Yeah.

- But they had some pretty good...

- Thought you were bringing Sebastian.

- Right, you know damn well his fuckin' name.

- No, it's Brett, right?

- Brock, it's not funny.

- Brock.

- Trevor?

- No, Tootsie, right?

- It was Tootsie, you're right, Tootsie.

Come on, you said you were bringing him.

- You know what?

I actually think that he's made up.

I think you made up Brock the hunk

because you're ashamed to admit that you're a dyke.

- Fuck off, Lonnie.

- Uh-huh.

- Well, next time we come, I'll bring him by then.

- Something come up, what, family, work, what?

- Work.

So how's it with that girl, you go limp in her yet?

- Once you see how fucking beautiful

she is, you'll want to hit that shit.

- Thanks for the warning.

- Mm, I don't know.

I tell her how I feel.

I tell her what's up, and she's like, she's weird.

She's not like that.

She said she doesn't feel anything.

- That's stupid.

- I know, it's weird.

- I don't like her.

- But you don't know her.

- I want to punch her in the face.

Don't know why.

- Well, if you don't care, then why are you asking me?

- If she doesn't tell you how she feels,

it's 'cause she doesn't feel the same way.

- Quit like you know everything, Jock.

- Where's my purse?

- Last time I used it, I put it back where it belongs.

Listen, she's young, all right?

Keep your mouth shut, have fun.

- I know, it's just I've never felt this way before.

- I know.

- No, you don't.

- Really, could have swore you just told me.

- I don't know, Dad, the thing is...

- I'm saying I know the feeling, all right?

- No, you don't.

- One of these days, I'm gonna say,

"I understand," and you'll just say, "Thanks."

- The fuck is this?

What the fuck is this, Dad?

- Nothin', it's for my doctor, all right?

It's a note, just give it to me.

- Well, what are you having all these tests for?

- Look, if you would bother to read...

- Well, you had to have a biopsy!

You don't fucking tell anybody?

- It's a little thing.

They felt they should look, all right?

- You don't fucking do this, Dad!

You don't keep shit like this to yourself!

- Enough with the mouth, Jesus...

- Don't you yell at me!

I know you're Mr. Tough Guy, but you don't

fucking keep shit like this from us!

You don't do it!

- Fine! - No fine!

Not fine!

You don't do that!

- Okay.

- That's what we're here for.

That's why we're here.

Weren't you scared?

Would have been nice to talk to somebody, huh?

I'm so pissed at you.

You're okay, though?

- Yeah.

- Weren't you worried?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Well, that's what we're here for.

- I appreciate you not bothering me, though.

- Suck a dick, Lonnie.

- What, do you talk to your friends like that?

- I can talk however the fuck I want!

You're some kind of saint or something?

- I can make it through a sentence

without sounding like trash!

- Oh, trash!

- All right!

You okay?

You all right, moving on? - Yeah.

- What'd you want to tell me?

- What?

- Your purse, you said something about your purse.

How's everything else, good?

- Yeah, it's good.

- Good.

Listen, that girl, you should bring her around.

- Yeah, she's weird, but.

- All right, it's good, yeah?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Dad?

Come on, I want to go.

- Huh?

- Dad, come on.

- Okay.

I'm up. - Uh-huh.

- Uh-huh.

Why the hell are we watching cartoons?

- Dad, should I wake you up?

- Hmm?

- I'm going.

Should I let you sleep?

- No, no, I'm up.

I'm up. - All right, I'm going.

Wake up.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Ow, ow!

- Wake up.

- Stop. - Wake up.

No, just fucking wake up.

- I love you. - Love you.

- Bye.

- Oh, uh-oh.

- Hey. - Hey.

- I'm really sorry.

- No, it's okay, come in.

- Oh, it smells really good in here.

- Oh, thanks.

- I fell asleep on the train, so I'm not tired.

- Oh shit, you took the train?

- Is that a problem?

- Yeah, I was a little bit worried about that.

The last train is like an hour from now...

- Oh, I didn't...

- Yeah, I know, but it's okay.

It's fine.

I'll show some moderate self-control.

I won't get too fucked up.

- I just didn't want you to have to drive me home.

I guess I'll stay here then.

- Okay, yeah, move in if you want.

You want a drink?

- Yeah.

- I went shopping the other day because I decided

I'm going to start cooking for myself more often.

- That's good.

- Yeah, surprise, no more living on takeout for me.

- That's good.

- I already feel so much better, like immediately.

I don't feel like I shoved a sandwich up my ass,

and I have to take a nap for the next six hours.

Oh, and I remembered just how much I love vegetables.

They stopped looking like food to me at a certain point.

- You smoke?

- Oh, no, I quit.

- Cigarettes in your freezer.

- Yeah, these are stress cigarettes.

- So you do smoke?

- No, I keep these in here so that when I start

to have a craving, I won't freak out.

I won't buy a pack.

I'll smoke one, I'll throw it away,

and I'll feel like shit about myself.

Just knowing that they're in there is like a relief for me.

- Security blanket?

- Exactly.

Yeah, I picked it up from this guy that I used to work for.

He used to carry a pack in his

breast pocket for like 25 years.

- When?

- In high school. - When did you quit?

- When you agreed to see me outside of work.

- You are such a weirdo.

- What, really?

Don't say that.

Come on, don't say that.

- Do you have any limes?

- I do.

I got everything.

I also got you a toothbrush and a hairdryer

'cause, you know, I figured that those could

be some things that you would use.

- Well, that is...

- That's what?

That's really sweet, thoughtful.

How about this?

Every time you say, "You are such a weirdo,"

all I will hear you saying is, "You are so goddamn cute."

- You're so good-lookin'.

- I'll take that too.

- No, that's from that Seinfeld episode

where they say instead of God bless you,

when people sneeze, they say, "You're so good looking."

- Wanna see your surprise?

You all right?

Is this wet?

- Yeah, oh. - Oh.

- Am I gonna end up in a trunk?

- Mm, I don't know.

Why did I say that?

- I don't know.

I mean, there's some, there's some up there.

- The moon seems pretty bright.

- It is.

That might be part of the problem.

- That's pretty.

- My family has this place, we call it camp,

but it's actually like a little house.

It has plumbing and everything,

but it's kind of off the beaten track,

like the last three miles getting there are all dirt road.

And at night, if you walk away from the fire,

and you let your eyes adjust, you can see so many stars.

It's like dizzying because there's like

more stars than there is black, all these white dots.

I'm not describing it well.

When I laid down and stared at them, I just got really sad

because we can't see the stars where we live.

It all gets drowned out by all the light.

- The ambient light.

- Amblient.

- Yeah, the ambulance light.

- Ambulances and ambient.

- I think it's a combo.

- It's a.

- I'll accept ambulance lights.

- Yeah, it's just stupid, like I can't believe

that all that man-made shit could outdo the stars, you know?

Where's the wonder in that?

That just sucks.

- Yeah, stars don't really shine.

They're just there.

- It's some bullshit.

- It is some bullshit.

Do you like your surprise?

- I love it.

Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Not too cheesy?

- Well.

- Well, a little bit maybe, like.

- Why are you so nice to me?

- Really?

Come on, don't.

I know that you're not comfortable

with me telling you that I love you, but I do.

Just don't fucking bait me into saying it.

Don't fuck with me.

- Oh my God, you're the angriest elf right now.

You're an angry elf.

Don't be angry.

You want to dance with me up here?

- Yes, you know that I do.

- All right.

Hey, creep.

- Hey.

- Uh-uh.

- What do you mean, uh-uh?

No, come on, come here.

Come on!

I have morning breath, too.

It'll cancel out.

- No, mine's the worst.

- I didn't want to tell you this before

'cause I thought you'd judge me,

but bad breath is a fetish of mine.

I swear.

- I bet it is.

- I need stink.

- Hmm.

- Oh my God, that smells like an abortion.

- What the fuck?

- That's terrible. - Oh, come on.

You like it.

- Uh-huh.

Uh, okay.

I know you're just fucking with me.

But I'm not not playing this game.

- Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm really hungry, and I need to poop.

- Oh, awesome.

- And you're not supposed to give blowjobs

on an empty stomach, you know?

- Is that true?

- Uh-huh.

- Where'd you hear that from?

- My gammy.

- Really?

- Yeah, my grandmother.

- You're perfect.

- Shut up.

- I'm serious.

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

- You're nice.

- I'm including all print media in that too.

- Where's my bra?

- I don't know, but last time I used it,

I put it back where it belongs.

We text all the time and shit.

It's just she's either like too tired

from school or it's some family shit,

which you know what, I totally get.

What sucks is when she's like, "Yeah,

"oh, I can't really go out because I'm

"doing things with friends tonight."

- What's wrong with, oh, yeah.

- Yeah, I don't know.

I'll just go fuck myself, right?

You know, the thing is I just don't want

to be all like, "Oh, what about me?"

- "Can I come out and play too?"

- If she was wants to invite me, she will.

Otherwise, I don't, I just feel like an asshole.

- You can't put her in a position

if she still hasn't come up to answers

with all your crazy, fucked up questions.

- What crazy questions?

- I'm just saying save some shit for yourself, you know?

Let it happen.

You go to a diner.

You eat some food.

Talk about the food, you know?

You go out, take a shit.

Talk about the shit.

That's where shoot the shit comes from by the way.

- I'm just tired of putting myself out there.

I'm tired of being clear and honest,

and she doesn't give anything back, you know?

And she'll say, "Oh, I broke up with my boyfriend for you,"

and I want to tell her, "Hey, you know what?

"We were fucking before you did that."

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, you never do that.

You never, ever, ever use that against her, ever.

- Why, it's fucking true.

- One thing you never do, that's one thing everyone knows.

You never use a woman's indiscretions against her, ever.

You know?

You never buy a used car from a friend.

You never ask a pediatric surgeon how his day went.

- Wait, who said that?

- I said that!

- You said that?

- I said that.

I'm fucking funny.

What took you so long to figure that out?

- Hey, all right. - Hey.

- Oh no, this room's supposed to be blue.

- How's it going?

- It's good, how's it going in here?

- Good, good, smooth sailing. - Yeah.

All right, good to hear.

Right, I'm going out for like an hour.

Do you guys need anything from me?

- No, I'm good, thanks.

- A winning lotto ticket would be great.

- Yeah, all right, I'll see what I can do.

- Be safe.

- I am.

- Make sure you tell all the annoyed

motorists we said what's up.

- Right?

It is the one form of exercise

that puts yourself into other people's lives, right?

Like, I get it.

You buy some clothes.

Boom, it's a hobby 'cause you invest

a little bit of money, but know this.

You are fucking annoying.

You're basically forcing your shit

into other people's lives, and no one, no one invited you.

Know that.

- You know what doesn't bother me,

though, is a Mexican going to work.

- Yeah, sure, God bless them.

Their ass is leisurely on the sidewalk.

- It's the over the hill, middle-aged spandex

burrito motherfuckers that get me.

- Spandex burrito.

- Yeah, it's 'cause they look like

a burrito made out of spandex.

- I get it.

- All right.

Tiny Dancer!

I don't really take you for dancing guy, man.

- I fucking hate dancing.

- Me too.

- You know what else I fucking hate?

- What?

- The beach.

Went to Florida for our last vacation, one huge beach.

It was awful.

You know what I also hate?

- What? - Rollercoasters.

Went to Six Flags for my birthday.

That's all right, I like doing stuff with her.

I'll dance with her.

That's what she taught me.

She taught me the guy sitting down

is never gonna get the girl on the dance floor.

- That's the smartest thing that anyone has ever said to me.

- You should consider it.

- I will, thank you.

- Like, now.

- Oh my God, you're so little.

- I feel little.

You're really pretty.

- I really like it when you're here.

- God damn it!

- Here.

- I knew this was going to happen.

Irresponsible, rushing around.

- I'm sorry, I didn't realize that the alarm

was actually set for something.

- You're no good for me.

You know what?

No one can make me do anything.

You can't push a button and make me do anything,

but I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't here.

I wouldn't have done it.

- I made coffee.

- This is stupid.

This is not me!

- Okay, you have 15 minutes.

The train station is only five minutes away.

That is plenty of time.

- Great, plenty of time.

- I'm sorry!

If I had known that the alarm was set...

- It's my fault.

I was stupid.

I got shit-faced, and I missed

my alarm, and you're no good for me.

I have to be responsible, and you make me irresponsible!

Where are my shoes?

- Listen, it takes less than five minutes to get there.

I promise.

I've done it like a hundred times.

You're fine on time.

- Do you have an extra train schedule just in case?

- No, but there's a big one mounted

on the outside of the wall at the train station.

Don't say that I'm no good for you.

- I had fun.

- They come often this time of day.

- What side of the tracks are you gonna be on?

- Other side, hey!

Booze breath.

- Bye.

- Bye.

- So many, I swear I like don't even know.

- That's the most important one.

- Oh, that one?

- Yeah.

- Yep!

- Yeah, keep smiling, you fucking moron!

I can't sit here.

I can't.

- Would you relax?

- Jeez, you know what?

You fucking relax! - It's all right.

- Jesus Christ. - Settle down.

- All right, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, I'm sorry.

- It's just gonna egg him on, so just leave it.

- Let's just all agree we want to murder the shit

out of that guy and just move on.

- Or we could just leave.

- I just thought it was hilarious.

- Hey, there's my buddy.

- What'd he say?

- I personally vote that we leave now,

so we don't have to see this dick bag start celebrating.

- But if we have to listen to this asshole as we're leaving.

- Oh, boy.

- We should just leave, is that what you're saying?

- This is an angry elf.

It's a very angry elf, angry.

Very angry elf.

Angry, angry, angry elf?

Angry elf, yes.

- Okay, here we go.

Is anybody here a member of our Wing Ring?

You get an email twice a month with special offers,

discounts, goings on, anything like that?

- No. - No, we're okay.

- You want to sign up?

- For the Wing Ring?

- Mm-hmm. - No, we're okay.

- Okay. - Thank you.

- Well, no, wait.

- No, we're not signing up for the Wing Ring.

We're adults.

We're not gonna join clubs that rhyme, okay?

A little while back, we were visiting her parents.

Remember this?

We were driving back to our place,

and we needed to get food for the turtle,

so we stopped at this pet store...

- I got cash, don't worry.

- I don't.

- It's okay, I got you.

- No, you don't.

- He was checking us out, he says,

"Do you want to sign up for our Saver Rager reward

"discount card or whatever it's called?"

And I'm like, "No, actually, I just want to go home

"and take a three-hour nap, okay?"

- You know what?

We'll do all the way, it's very stylish, I see that.

- "You see this money that's in your hand right now?

"You could get more money in your hand right now

"if you sign up for this discount."

She's already walking to her car,

doesn't give a fuck, right?

The kid's going on and on and on about the benefits,

and I'm just like, "You know what?

"Could you just give me the money?"

- Because why? - Because.

- Whatever the difference would be

if I were to sign up for your stupid fucking membership,

could you just put the money in my hand?

Every single store has a card, every single one.

It undermines the very notion of membership, okay?

Am I supposed to feel allegiance

or some sort of special quality

if everyone else is doing the same fucking thing?

No, I live where I live and the fucking convenient options

are limited so don't patronize me with your bullshit

and don't compromise my dignity

by having me have 37 fucking plastic cards in my wallet!

- Chuck, here.

- Thanks.

- You know, no one really gives

a fuck about this story either.

- I'm sorry your vagina hurts, Lonnie.

I'm really, really sorry, but it bugs me.

This shit bugs me.

- If it bugs you, it bugs you.

- It fucking bugs me.

- Everything bugs him, so here you go.

- Look, I see the world for what it is, okay?

And it makes absolutely zero sense to me.

That's all I'm saying.

That's why I keep you around, honey, because you make sense.

You're the one thing that makes sense in this world.

- Thank you, let's just pay.

Can we go? - Yeah, we can go.

- Thank you.

Steve Madden purse

that she really liked, and I was like, "I'll get it for you.

"Don't worry."

Went there, it was gone.

- Jeez.

- Have a nice one, sweetheart.

- Holy shit, stop!

Stop!

Come on, no, no, no, Jesus!

- Get the fuck off me, man.

Get the fuck off me, man!

- There you go, man.

Have a good one, man.

- Have a good day, see ya.

- You too.

- Where the fuck are you?

You're late as hell, you know that?

- Yeah, sorry.

- You drunk?

- Yeah, a little bit, but I woke up

that way so it's not my fault.

- Gyro?

- Sure.

- You know what song I heard recently

and realized I hear it all the time?

Life is a Highway, that is not a good song.

That is a very bad song.

It's amazing how such a lame metaphor could be so catchy.

You know?

* Love is a flower, I want to watch it bloom

I just made that up.

When's the last time you bought an album?

When's the last time you cared that an album was coming out?

Hm, that's the problem.

Everything's about the singles now, the hits, hits.

You listen to a song, you like a song, you buy the song,

and then if people buy it, it becomes a hit.

Think about what that does to a young,

developing musician, to their mind.

Think about how it wires that mind.

Write a song.

Hopefully, it's popular and it becomes a hit.

Next time, write a song, make a bigger hit,

instead of write a hundred songs,

whittle it down to the best handful of songs,

form a bigger idea, figure out a way

for that bigger idea to shape who you are as a musician.

- What are you talking about?

- I'm talking about what music has withered down to,

which is old dudes writing shitty songs

for slutty young twats who lip-sync those songs

in front of 12-year-old boys who are rolling on oxy.

That's what I'm talking about.

Instead of young, developing musical minds

crafting, crafting music, honing their fucking shit.

That's the thing is that the choruses are way too catchy.

And that's the problem, and the upskirt's are

way too easy to find on the Internet.

They're all over the place.

And yeah, maybe I'm talking about

the mainstream, but guess what?

That's what most people out here get, the popular stuff.

It's like, if you kill 99% of the bacteria,

the 1% that survives, that 1% germ

is so much stronger and more resilient than the other germs.

And over time, you know what you get?

Super germ, think about that.

The timeline expands, gets longer.

When was the last time you hummed a song, you know?

Remember when we used to hum songs?

You'd hum it to your buddies.

Hopefully, one of them would recognize it

and you'd figure out the tune.

Now, you can just google anything in a second.

Think about what that does to the human brain.

Makes everything so easy.

We just shrivel up into these fucking morons.

- Would you shut the fuck up, please?

- When you're in a bad mood, you just

make it everybody's problem, don't you?

When did every Asian get good at dancing?

Have you noticed that?

Every fucking Asian can dance now.

When did that happen?

You look on the dance floor at this

breakin' ass, bad-driving motherfucker

just getting nasty out there, right?

- Are you almost done with that?

- If I'd shut my mouth for a second, yeah.

- Kill confirmed.

Kill confirmed.

Nice work, Ghosts, we held on.

- I think I'm gonna go.

- Wait, what?

- I'm just really tired.

- Okay, you can crash here if you want.

- No, I'm gonna go home.

- Ugh, okay.

Will you do me a favor?

Will you text me when you get home

and let me know that you got home okay?

- I won't remember.

- All right, fuck it.

- I'm going.

- Yep.

- All right, yeah, it's definitely.

- Stop staring at me, weirdo.

- I can't help it.

- Well, try.

You're like a creep.

- Revolution, best thing ever made.

- You watched it? - So good.

I watched the first three episodes,

fell asleep halfway through the fourth.

It's incredible.

Do you understand that?

- It's the best thing made by people

in the history of everything ever made by anyone.

- Let's just put it on the list.

- What is this?

- It's a TV show she told me about.

- TV show?

- Yeah, it's so good.

- What, why, why?

- You know how War of the Worlds starts out really awesome

with the electricity going out and then it just sucks?

- No.

- Then never mind.

- Okay, ready for work?

- Bye, Monica.

- Bye, Lonnie.

- That was for you.

- I was trying to keep the game interesting.

- Everything all right?

- It ain't happening.

- What ain't happening?

- Come on, man.

You know what ain't happening.

- Looked good from here.

- Fuck it, though, right?

- Fuck it. - Fuck it.

- Is everything all right?

- She ain't comin'.

- Oh, you know what?

Fuck her.

I'm sorry, Lonnie.

- That's cool.

Phil, let me get another one of these.

Hold the ice or else I'll just kill myself, you know.

Hey, jaywalkers!

Hey, you motherfucker, you best be crossing at the light!

You're gonna get fucked up!

No, you do it here!

You fuck 'em up.

You don't see the sign, man?

What good is it for you to pay the taxes

on a sign, and you're not gonna use it?

Oh, shit!

Fuck this sign!

Fuck this sign.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Buddy, come on.

- What do you mean, whoa?

- Whoa, whoa, come on.

Don't be an asshole.

- Nice job, asshole, fucking moron.

Oh, shit.

- Rough night, Lonnie?

- Shit, I didn't even drive here.

I'm failing to see the point in getting up in the morning.

- Go on.

- What I do most days seems

pointless because what's it supporting?

Most days I'm too...

I used to look forward to seeing this girl I liked, right?

You know what?

No.

There was this guy that I knew

from like a lifetime ago, right?

He killed himself.

He offed himself on New Year's Eve.

Not only was...

Not only did I not really care,

but I really wasn't surprised, and it made sense to me.

- Him killing himself

or killing oneself in general?

- Killing oneself in general.

- You have any idea why he'd do such a thing?

- Oh yeah, 'cause he was way too drunk

and way too lonely, and I know that feeling.

- You were about to mention a girl?

- Yeah, I was kind of seeing this

girl that I'm really crazy about.

But, I don't think anything's gonna happen.

No, you know what?

Nothing is gonna happen.

She doesn't feel the way I feel, and just saying it hurts.

- Go on.

- Really, that's it.

Before I could look forward to seeing her at least,

even if she just came over and slept,

which she did do a couple of times.

It was just nice having somebody there with me.

I mean, what am I supposed to do now, get a fucking cat?

Sorry.

- Some sense of community, no matter how small,

is what makes life worth living.

You ever consider volunteering here at the church?

- Oh, that sounds awful.

- Why?

- I don't know.

I don't know why I said that either.

I sound like an asshole, shit!

All right, I'm just gonna shut up.

- Taking the Lord's name in vain

is the only cursing that I'm aware of,

and you did sound like an asshole.

But you see why I suggest living your life not just with

but for someone is what makes life worth living,

worth getting out of bed in the morning,

someone looking forward to seeing you and you them.

I assume you don't attend mass regularly?

- No, I do not.

- Mm-hm, and a little problem with the cigarettes and booze?

- Yeah, how'd you know that?

- I can smell it.

- Oh, right, dumb.

- Is it a problem?

- I'm aware of what I do.

I'm trying to make healthier habits.

- That's why I ask about mass.

Any particular reason?

- Yeah, the girl was kind of a health nut...

- Any particular reason

you don't attend a weekly service?

- Oh, I don't know.

After my Mom died, my sister and I

kept going out of respect or something, but my Dad,

he just wasn't that into it, so it kind of petered off.

But, I hear what you're saying, Father.

It's just I feel like an idiot, you know?

- Wanting to live your life with

someone feels great, doesn't it?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, but who that someone is is not up to you.

You think it's this girl.

Guess it's not.

Just relax.

Look around.

Pay attention.

Take the opportunities when they

present themselves, and they will.

- I feel like I should shake your hand or something.

Should I come out there?

- Nah, we're good.

- Well, now I feel awkward.

So what about like one of these up here?

You got that?

- Are we fist-bumping?

- I think we are.

Come on.

Give me a little something, Father.

- Got it. - Got it, thanks.

Thanks for talking with me.

- It's my pleasure.

What else am I gonna do in here?

- I don't know.

You could be playing Angry Birds or something.

- Yes, I could be.

- I'm Lonnie, by the way.

- Nice to meet you, Lonnie.

- Yeah, it's nice to meet you, too, Father, um.

- Tony.

- Huh, Father Tony, seems

like a weird name for a priest.

- Does it?

- No, and I don't know why I said that, either.

- It's a first.

- I'm just trying to keep you on your toes.

- You take care of yourself, Lonnie.

- I will.

Thanks again, Father.

- I haven't done anything, Lonnie.

- Hey, hey, how's everybody?

- How are you?

- Hey, hi, guys. - Hi!

- Hi, how are you? - Hey, what's happening?

- Hey, what's up, calzone?

- Hey, hey, I heard that.

- Got any coffee?

They don't have any good stuff.

- Hi! - Good to see ya.

- Good seeing you!

- What's going on, bud?

- Hi, Ernie.

- Hey, how you doing?

Hey, how come we don't see that Brian guy anymore?

- 'Cause we broke up like three months ago.

- Oh, well, I guess that would explain it.

- You should listen when people talk to you.

- I've been hearing about how good it is all the time.

- This is Brock's first ever Freddie's Pizza.

- What, you've never taken him there before?

- Never got around to it.

- You got the giardin? - What's up, man?

I'm Lonnie, nice to meet you.

- You too.

What did you say, you got the what?

- Giardin.

- I was gonna bust your balls...

- You never had giardin? - You know what it is?

You're too tall.

I can't bust your balls.

You're too tall to tease.

Wait, you've never had giardin before?

What, are you from Florida?

That's weird.

- He just doesn't get out much.

- Yeah, I was born in Michigan.

Does that answer any questions?

- No.

- Go ahead.

- All right. - Go ahead.

- Go, try it. - Straight in?

- Yep. - Yeah.

- Huh? - It's amazing.

I love it! - Hey!

- Hey, I'll get you a jar.

I'll give you this jar.

- She looks dirty.

- She looks dirty. - She's a ginger.

I like that.

That's nice.

- You know, Connie Chung in her day?

- Yeah, she's no Linda Yu.

She's no Connie Chung.

- Yeah, I was gonna say, Connie Chung.

- Same stories over and over again.

- Lil needs a change of pants.

It's gotten to that point of the night.

- I've told you like 15 times.

- Wait, I thought you were kidding, though.

- No, I kept telling you.

- Wait, you're seriously a fucking private investigator?

- Yeah. - Seriously?

- Seriously.

- Is your name on your door?

- I mean, the company name is on the door.

There's a couple of us that work there.

- You carry a gun?

- I have once.

- Mm-hmm, have you ever showed up

to a crime scene, and a cop's been like, "Beat it, Brock!

"This crime scene's for real cops!"

- You don't have to answer that

because that question is retarded.

I'm so sorry.

- What, no, that's not. - I apologize for him.

- But doesn't that happen?

No, I'm very sorry to overload you with questions.

I'm very sorry.

- It's fine.

I mean, it's a lot of surveillance, you know.

You're serving people.

- You serve people papers, so you go up to someone,

and you say, "Oh, hey, you're so and so.

"Well, guess what?

"You've been served."

What?

- Some iteration of that.

- Okay, like what? - You're an idiot.

- Okay, so the other day I pull up to this,

you know, I mean, I pull up to this guy's place,

like 600-pound black guy and 10 of his best friends

sitting on the stoop, bullshitting.

- How did you know it wasn't just like a basketball game?

- You know, in that case, I call back to the office.

There's absolutely no way.

- What if that was us?

What if that was me and you?

Hey, what's so, really, Dad?

What's so funny?

I know I look like a pussy.

I know I look like a pussy, but I'm strong as shit.

I can totally prove it.

- You're a pussy.

- Mouth!

- I'm being straight, though.

What if one day I tagged along with you?

Could we do that?

- Don't encourage him.

I mean, you don't have to do that.

- No, I want to go!

I want to go. - It'll be fine with me.

It would be fine with me.

- Can I come with you? - Absolutely.

- For real.

- Are you serious?

- Do I look like I'm kidding?

- All right, I don't see why not.

- For real? - For real.

If you're serious, I'm serious, buddy.

- I'm serious.

- Let's do it.

- That's awesome, thank you.

- If you really, yeah, if you really want to.

- I do really want to.

This guy's welcome any time into my house.

He comes into my house, he's welcome here.

- I don't know any of their names,

but they do the news in bikinis.

- How do you know they're doing the news?

- I don't know what they're doing.

- I don't speak the language, but I'm like,

transfixed, absolutely transfixed by it.

- Should have gone a little longer just then.