All language subtitles for Adam.Ruins.Everything.S02E06.Adam.Ruins.What.We.Learned.in.School.1080p.iT.WEB-DL.AAC2.0

(female announcer)
And now we're back
to "The Magic Van."

(horn honks)

(students chatting)

(girl)
I wonder what she'll do today.

Good morning, students!

It's me, your whimsically
kooky teacher, Ms. Dazzle.

(all)
Good morning, Ms. Dazzle!

Who's ready to go on another
wondrous learning adventure

in my Magic Van?

Heck, yeah!

Last week
I rode a dinosaur.

I freed a slave.

Only one, though.

Let's find out what
we'll be learning today.

Get ready to catch.

Christopher Columbus!

Ancient Egypt.

Ow!
What does it say, Ronald?

(gunfire, man screaming)

Grammar.

It says, uh, grammar.

(giggles)
Delightful.

Today, class, we'll
be learning

about heroic
Christopher Columbus,

exotic ancient Egypt,

and the ironclad
rules of grammar.

(all gasping)

Hate to interrupt,
Ms. Dazzle,

but the lessons we teach kids
about these topics

are wildly inaccurate.
(crashing)

Who in the gumdrop
flip-flops are you?

Hi, I'm Adam Conover,

longtime viewer,
first-time ruiner.

And this is
"Adam Ruins Everything."

♪♪

(gasps)

♪♪

(screams)

♪♪

Oh, this is so exciting.

I watched "The Magic Van"
every day as a kid.

And as an adult.

I don't have
many hobbies.

Mr. Conover, I am the magical
host of the show.

So I will be teaching
these children.

Now sit down
and wrap it up.

Okay, class, today

we'll learn about
Christopher Columbus,

the heroic explorer
who discovered America

and proved the Earth
was round.

Actually, Columbus was
an incompetent buffoon

who never even
set foot in America.

(deflating)

Hush, hush.

We all know
Columbus wasn't perfect.

That's an understatement.

The real story of Columbus
is even worse

and weirder
than you think.

All aboard the Magic Van!

Sorry, first-time driver.
Let's go!

(horn honks)
Come on, guys!

Let's follow this strange
adult into his van.

Listen, you bargain-basement
Beakman,

if you pull
that magic lever,

I swear to--
Here we go!

(all)
Whoa!

(horn honks)

First of all, Columbus
couldn't have discovered

that the Earth was round

because in his time, it was
already common knowledge.

Globes for sale.

Perfectly ordinary globes
for sale.

Whoa.
What?

Then why did it take
until 1492

for anyone to sail
the ocean blue?

Simple, back then they didn't
know the Americas existed.

So navigators thought
there was no way

a ship could make it all
the way from Europe to Asia.

So Columbus set sail
because he was brave.

Nope, he set sail
because he was a doofus

who was terrible at math.

Instead of trusting
the experts,

Columbus believed the Earth
was thousands of miles smaller

than it actually was.

Fools, all of them!

My math says the Earth
is teeny tiny

and shaped like a pear.

And at the top,
it has a succulent nipple.

He actually believed that?

Yes, I actually believe this.

I can sail from Europe to India
in a matter of days.

That's extremely wrong.

It took years for Columbus
to convince the king and queen

his plan didn't suck.

But competition in the spice
trade was getting intense.

So Ferdinand and Isabella
were desperate to find

a new way
to get their fix.

The Earth is tiny
and also a pear.

Give me money, please.

This man is an idiot.

(sniffing)
I don't care.

Fine, give this moron
the bare minimum,

90 dumb men
and three dumb ships.

If you die, who cares?

Right, and that's when
Columbus showed them all

and became a hero.
But--

You know what happens
to mouthy students?

They get extra credit?

I turn them into iguanas.

Say hi, Edward.

(straining)
Kill me.

(gulps)

Now, children,
that's the Nina, the Pinta,

and the Santa Maria,

the ships Columbus sailed
to discover America.

I'm really sorry,
Ms. Dazzle,

but Columbus never
set foot in America.

Of all the modern-day countries
Columbus made it to,

like Cuba, Haiti,
and the Dominican Republic,

none of them were
in the United States.

Okay, fine.

Then, uh, Columbus
discovered Haiti

and the Dominican Republic.

Sure, he did.

If you don't count the
quarter-million Taino people

that lived there already.

Uh, occupied.
Someone lives here.

Right, I know this part.

He thought he made it
to India.

Aha, this is India
and these people are Indians.

I will be rich
in spices and gold.

(laughs)
What a silly mistake.

Yes, if by "silly,"
you mean brutal,

and by "a mistake,"
you mean one of several.

The Taino treated Columbus
and his crew

with the utmost hospitality.

Hug?
(groans)

We need reinforcements!

Columbus repaid their kindness

by returning with 17 ships
and 1,200 men

so he could enslave the Taino
and steal their gold.

There was only one problem,
they didn't have any.

You, gold.
Now!

Oh, I want to help,
but what is gold?

(Adam)
This infuriated Columbus.

And soon, he and his crew
began to slaughter them.

(people screaming)

This is very inappropriate
for me to see.

(Adam)
Columbus's regime was
so senselessly brutal

that by 1542, the Taino
population on the island

had fallen to 200.

(groans)

I can't believe it.

I had no clue that Columbus
was this cruel.

But after this, he must've gone
on to do great things, hmm?

Nope, this was literally
all he did.

He didn't discover America

and he didn't prove
the Earth was round.

He just bounced around
the Caribbean,

slaughtered a bunch
of innocent people,

and died thinking
he had made it to India.

Hashtag, no regrets.
(groans)

Holy crow.

Then why do we learn
about this guy in school?

Oh, great question.

For centuries, Columbus
was a historical footnote.

But that changed in 1828
when Washington Irving,

the author of
"The Legend of Sleepy Hollow"

and other tall tales,

wrote the first English-language
biography of Columbus.

"Columbus was
a murderous failure"?

That ain't gonna sell copies.

Let's say he was a brave genius
who proved the Earth was round

and discovered America.

Hmm, seems believable.

And Irving's myth
caught on big-time

when some new Americans
were searching for a hero.

Throughout the 19th century,

a surge of Italians
immigrated to America,

where they were persecuted

and treated like
they didn't belong.

Dah! This is New York City.
We hate pizza.

And we'll always
hate pizza.

To help prove Italians were
a part of the American story,

Italian-Americans latched
onto Irving's version
of Columbus

and promoted it
like crazy.

Ay, we know a guy
that knows a guy

that discovered America
and is Italian.

Huh, I guess Italians
are great.

This guy deserves
his own holiday.

(Adam)
And that's the true story

of how an incompetent
and vicious nobody

became the national hero
we celebrate today.

Enough!

Mr. Conover,
this is my show.

And while I suppose
this information
is factually accurate,

your little diversions deviate
from today's lesson plan.

I am the captain now.

Ugh, no, wait!

Ah, I'll catch up with them
in ancient Egypt.

(chuckles)
Plenty to ruin there.

Uh-oh.
Whoa...

Welcome to ancient Egypt,
students.

Today we'll explore
the tomb of King Tut,

the greatest pharaoh
of them all.

Did someone say explore?

(students)
Adam!

Ruiner, no ruining.

Lo siento, but Tutankhamun
was actually

one of the least
important pharaohs.

No way, pal.
Tut did great things.

Hey, amigos at home,

can you name one of King Tut's
accomplishments?

(crickets chirping)

That's right,
there are none.

I'll show you on my scroll
of pharaohs.

(scroll screaming)

Tutankhamun was only
nine years old

when he became pharaoh.

And since he was
so young,

other people did
the ruling for him.

(grunts)
Out of my way, baby!

Pharaoh's a big-boy job.

(Adam)
And he died at the ripe
old age of 19.

There was nothing notable
about his reign.

In the annals of the pharaohs,
Tutankhamun was a blip.

Even his tomb was smaller
and less ornate than the others.

King Tut,
you're basic.

Rest in peace,
or whatevs.

(scroll screaming)

Okay, senor,
if King Tut was so basic,

then why is he the most famous
of all the pharaohs today.

Good question,
and the answer is real weird.

I'll show you.

Whoa.
Is that thing safe?

Looks like it was made
in the '60s.

Oh, no.
No, no, no, no...

But it's my birthday.

(Adam)
In 1798, after Napoleon
invaded Egypt,

he went totally gaga
for the ancient kingdoms.

He brought in scholars
to document their findings

and they helped themselves
to whatever they wanted,

even returning to France
with a severed mummy head

for Napoleon's wife.

(Napoleon)
Oh, Josephine will love this.

When images of the findings
reached Europe,

scholars went cuckoo
for these corpses.

And over the next century,
hundreds of rich Europeans

started excavating Egyptian
cultural sites like crazy,

pilfering thousands
of priceless treasures.

Check out
this sexy-ass statue.

I'm gonna put it
next to my toilet.

(Ms. Dazzle gasps)
It gets worse.

Rich Europeans even held
mummy parties

where they unwrapped
the ancient remains

as a party game.

Last person to unwrap
the mummy

has to grind it up
and snort it.

Oh, fish sticks.
This is very disturbing.

But what does it have
to do with King Tut.

A lot, actually.

Because this Egyptomania fad
led to the excavation

of over 30 pharaohs' tombs.

Except for one,
the tomb of Tutankhamun.

Tut was so unimportant
that his tomb

was pretty much ignored
by grave robbers.

That's why, when Howard Carter
uncovered it in 1922,

it was so well-preserved,

that over 5,000 separate items
were found inside.

(panting)

I was in there
for thousands of years.

Why did no one
come back for me?

Why didn't I die?

The discovery of the tomb
made international headlines.

But not because Tut was
historically significant.

It was because of that
ancient Egyptian bling.

A brand-new Egyptomania
craze began.

And the cool kids
of the Roaring '20s

went crazy for Egyptian-style
clothing, makeup, and jewelry.

Basically, Egyptomania
was the 1920s version

of Coachella kids wearing
Native American headdresses.

This Egyptian stuff
is sick.

Let's make
a selfie painting.

And in the 1970s,
Tut's artifacts

made a sick city
museum tour in America.

Eight million people
saw the exhibit.

An executive for the
Metropolitan Museum of Art
even said...

Mmm...
(kissing sounds)

Uh, is this what sex is?

I don't know,
but I hope not.

Wait.

So King Tut is only famous

because of some weird
fetishization

of Egyptian culture?

Yep, and that's a shame.

Because ancient Egypt has
so much more to teach us

than just mummies and tombs.

They were one
of the first civilizations

to independently develop
their own writing system.

They revolutionized
agriculture

by developing
the ox-drawn plow

and irrigation systems.

They even invented
the first yearly calendar.

Huh, I love calendars.

Quit while you're ahead.

Compared to this
rich history,

King Tut only deserves
an honorable mention.

Huh, you didactic doofus.

Fine, King Tut was basic.
Columbus was a maniac.

Are you done?
Well, there's always
more to learn.

Enough, I'm taking back
my show.

A many, many children
rely on me

to make learning fun.

And I'm not gonna let some
basic-cable bozo stop me.

Get in the van, kids!

Well, history is
a fuzzy discipline.

But you know what
never changes? Grammar.

Wait, don't you want to hear
about how grammar rules

are essentially pointless?

No?

(sighs)

This is why you should never
meet your heroes.

Okay, class, we're finally free
of that pompadoured punk.

We're here!

Where is here?

Is this heaven?

Not heaven, Ronald,
somewhere even better.

♪ Welcome to the world
of grammar ♪

Hey, Tonya, are you still
hanging out with Tyler?

Nah, he ghosted me.

I think I gotta
defriend him.

(sighs)

♪ Ghost is not a verb ♪

♪ Defriend is not
a word ♪

♪ Unless you are a fool
you must follow grammar rules ♪

♪ Proper English
is the key ♪

♪ Might I add
actually ♪

(children gasping)
Hmm.

♪ Language is too complex ♪

♪ To be pinned down
with such strict laws of-- ♪♪

Ugh, sorry, I left my rhyming
dictionary at home.

No, no, not this time.

Grammar rules
are logical and exact.

Everybody loves
to be corrected.

I can tell you
from experience, they don't.

The fact is,
while the grammar police

act like these rules were
laid down by God herself,

they can change and morph
over time,

just like language does.

How dare you!
The rules are the rules.

She ain't listenin'.

Don't say
"ain't," dear.

It's low-class.

Funny you say that.

Up until the 1800s, "ain't"
was a proper contraction

of "am not," used
by the upper class.

Are you attending
Lady Margaret's soiree?

I won't, I shan't,
I ain't.

It wasn't until the lower
classes began to use it

that the word
fell out of fashion

and was deemed
bad English.

I ain't going either.
What luck.

Now we can
hang out together.

How vulgar!

I'll never use
that word again.

(both)
Shun, shun, shun!

And now, when someone
says "ain't,"

grammar nuts
literally go insane.

(laughs)
Aha, I got you now.

You said "literally"
when you meant "figuratively."

That's actually the opposite
of what you meant.

It's wrong
and it's always been wrong.

So be gone.

Whoa!
Wrong again, Ms. Dazzle.

People have been using
"literally"

as a hyperbolic intensifier
for literally hundreds of years.

Hogwash.

Charles Dickens used it.

So did Charlotte Bronte.

Not to mention Mark Twain,
James Joyce,

F. Scott Fitzgerald,
and Vladimir Nabokov.

(screaming)

But those are the English
language's greatest writers.

Didn't they know
about the rule?

The fact is, there was
no documented rule

against using "literally"
this way until 1909,

when author Ambrose Bierce
wrote a grammar book

titled "Write It Right."

♪ To those who use "literally"
when you mean "figuratively" ♪

♪ It is bad enough
to exaggerate ♪

♪ But to affirm the truth
of the exaggeration ♪

♪ Is intolerable ♪

Yes, I agree
with this good man.

But you might not like
his other rules.

♪ Lunch is not a noun ♪

♪ Say luncheon ♪

Well, ha-ha, that's
a little old-fashioned.

♪ Never say pants ♪

♪ Say trousers ♪

Okay, Bierce.
No one says "trousers."

♪ Women make a grave mistake ♪

♪ When they misuse
"aggravate" ♪

Now that's too much.

You just aggravated
the wrong woman.

(growls)
(screams)

Why are his grammar rules
so different from mine?

Simple, the English language
just doesn't have

one single
definitive authority.

Yes, it does,
the dictionary.

It tells you what is right
and what is wrong.

And that's that.

Sorry, but dictionaries
aren't the language police.

Oh, it's Anne Curzan,
professor of English

at the University of Michigan.

Hi, Ms. Dazzle, the people
who edit dictionaries

really like new words.

They aren't trying to keep them
out of dictionaries.

They would say that what
they're trying to do

is keep up with us
as we change the language.

But then how am I supposed
to tell who's right and wrong?

It's not about being
right or wrong.

There are different
but perfectly valid
varieties of English.

Just take American English,

where you've got
lots of varieties

such as Southern American
English, Appalachian English,

African-American English,
the Ocracoke brogue.

These "non-standard" varieties
give us really useful tools

for communicating.

As second-person
plural pronouns go,

standard American English
is limited to "you"

for both singular
and plural.

But "y'all"
is a very handy way

of addressing a whole
group all at once.

And some common words
in "non-standard" English

are actually more logical
than in standard English.

In Appalachian English,

you'll hear "teached"
and "catched,"

which follow the rule
for making past tense

with a final E-D.

Here's another example, this one
from African-American English.

The word I have in mind
is "hisself."

I use "hisself"
all the time.

I'm sorry,
but that's not right.

It should be "himself."

All these pronouns use
the possessive plus "self."

But check out "hisself."

It's consistent with the rule
and makes rational sense.

But sadly,
when people use it,

they're often told that
they're using "bad grammar."

Oh, I never thought
about it that way.

So, grammar rules
are meaningless?

All this is for naught?

Not at all.

It's useful to have
a written standard.

It allows us to communicate

across all these different
varieties of English.

At the same time, the ability
to coat-switch between dialects

is a very valuable tool.

I wish our English classes
would teach children

to value those differences,
not stifle them.

Now you're talkin'
my language.

Now it's time
for the expert rap.

Hit it, Anne.

Yeah, literally nobody
wants to hear that.

Later, Conover.

Oh, my.
Oh, what have I done?

I've locked the children
into rigid grammar rules,

spread a frivolous
history of Egypt,

and glorified an incompetent,
murderous loser.

I-- I'm a bad teacher.

(sobbing)

Look, there is
a bright side.

I don't deserve this show
or these magic powers.

I don't deserve
the Magic Van.

Leave me
and never come back.

(squeaking)

Good-bye, students.

Adam, you can teach them
better than I ever could.

(sobbing)

Ms. Dazzle, wait!

Come on, kids, we have to show
her why she is a good teacher.

All aboard Adam's magic
folding bicycle.

(bicycle bell rings)
To the positive takeaway
we go!

(crashing)

Sorry, I am
a really bad driver.

♪♪

Hello, we are here
at The Farm LA,

"Adam Ruins Everything"'s
post-production facility.

And I'm here
with Anne Curzan.

Thank you
for being here, Anne.

I'm so pleased to be here.

I had no idea
I wanted to be a bookworm...

(Adam laughs)
...until I became a bookworm!

How do you wish that
we taught grammar in school

differently than
most people were taught it?

I wish we taught grammar
more as how language works.

Part of that would be,
where do languages come from?

What are the rules
of school English?

What are the rules
of texting English?
Mm-hmm.

And figure out when
and how to switch among them.

It's a much more empowering
and fun way to teach it.

And you put those
right next to each other,

school English
and texting English.

All those kinds of English
follow rules.

There are very intricate
rules of texting.

For example,
now the period is angry.

Oh, yeah, when someone
writes you a text

and there's, and there's
a period at the end,

they're mad,
and everybody knows that.

Periods are
for when you're angry.

Everybody under 30
knows that.
Okay.

Yes, 'cause my mom
doesn't know that.
Exactly.

Because she'll, because
she'll write me texts...

Period. And I'm like,
why is she so mad?

That's right,
and I love that example

because it is-- here you've
got an older generation

who doesn't know the rules.
Yeah.

In the same way that younger
generations are learning

the rules of academic writing

and all the power
that can come with that,

some of us older folks need
to learn the rules of texting

so that we can
control the power

that comes with being
a good texter.

My message to older folks
would be, it's not chaos.
Yeah.

That I think that people
think, oh, texting,

these kids don't care
about punctuation.

They don't care
about the written language.

But actually,
they care a lot.

Should it be two exclamation
marks or three?

A winky face
or a smiley face?

Do we put the period or no?
Mm-hmm.

That they're thinking
very carefully

about what really are
rhetorical choices.

Well, we'll be back
in just a second

with more Anne Curzan
and more "Adam Ruins Everything"

right after this.

♪♪

Hello, I'm back
with Anne Curzan

talking about
the English language.

So how do you feel
in your daily life

if someone corrects you,
right?

Like my friends used
to give me a hard time

about "I am well,"
not "I'm good."

And that used to--
it bothered me so much!

First of all, I'd like
to say you can say both

"I am good" and "I am well."
Yeah.

And they mean
something different.

Oh!
Right?

"I am well" means
I'm healthy.
Yeah.

"I'm good" means
I'm in a good place.

Like I'm good.
Yeah.

Here's a phrase
that I love,

"To go grammando."

So "grammando" is a word

that was introduced
by Lizzie Skurnick

in "The New York Times"
Sunday magazine.

And "grammando"
she defines as a noun

that is a person who corrects
other people's grammar.

I think all of us have
experienced it,

when someone corrects
your grammar or your usage,

it makes you want
to not talk.
Yeah, yeah.

That your first reaction is
to go, oh, I'm-- I'm done,

because they're listening
to how I'm talking

as opposed
to what I'm saying.

And you'll see it
in arguments online

where people are arguing
about sports

or they're arguing
about something.

And then when
they get really angry

and they want
to shut it down,

they'll say, "I don't
need to listen to you

because you don't even know
how to use an apostrophe."

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Right? And game over.

That's so funny, that's like
every YouTube comment

devolved into an argument
about, about like

whether the person used
the right version of "your."

There are certainly times
as a teacher, with writing,

that you will wanna
make sure that students

control standard varieties.

But the power of going
grammando on someone

is something we need to wield
very, very carefully.

Thank you so much
for coming on the show, Anne.

And now, back to
"Adam Ruins Everything."

(crashing)
Oh!

Ms. Dazzle!

Ms. Dazzle is
a fraud, children.

I've taught you lies
and I deserve the worst.

Send me to TV jail!

All I ever wanted to do
was get kids in a van

and show them something new.

Oof, not the best
way to put it.

But Ms. Dazzle,

the world needs passionate
teachers like you.

As a kid, watching your show

helped me get excited
about learning.

And despite the fact
that your listen plan

wasn't totally up to date,

your students actually
learned a lot today.

They did?

I learned that Columbus
was a brutal moron

who was popularized
by a writer of tall tales.

I learned where
grammar rules come from.

I learned I can be
alone with my thoughts

for thousands of years

and that "hell"
is just a word.

Behind every lesson plan,
there's a deeper story

of why we teach kids
the things we do.

When we peel back the layers

and learn the history
behind the lesson,

that's when
learning becomes fun.

And that kind of curiosity
will benefit these kids

for the rest
of their lives.

Oh, you're right.

There's still
so much more to learn.

And we can explore it
all together.

(children cheering)

Oh, I missed you too,
Magic Van.
(horn honks)

Thank you, Mr. Conover.

I've learned that I can
always learn more.

You made me
a better television witch.

Oh, what a nice hug.

I wish it was live-action.

Hi, kids.
We had fun today

on "The Magic Van."

But you know what's just
as important as learning?

Safety.

Remember, look both ways
before crossing the street.

Always buckle your seat belt.

Don't explore
ancient tombs

without your parent
or guardi-- ahh!

(all screaming)