Original subtitles

♪ If you're blue ♪

♪ and you don't know where to go to ♪

♪ why don't you go ♪

♪ where fashion sits ♪

♪ puttin' on the ritz ♪

♪ different types who wear a big coat ♪

♪ pants with stripes ♪

♪ or cutaway coats ♪

♪ perfect fit ♪

♪ puttin' on the ritz ♪

♪ dressed up like a million-dollar trouper ♪

♪ tryin' hard to look like Gary Cooper ♪

♪ any way you know ♪

♪ come, let's mix ♪

♪ where rockefellers walk with sticks ♪

♪ or umbrellas ♪

♪ in their mitts ♪

♪ puttin' on the ritz ♪♪♪

Captioning made possible by Columbia pictures television,

fox broadcasting company,

and 1991 nci caption club/ grantsmanship

I'm not there yet. I'm not there yet.

I'm not there yet.

Sheesh.

Oh, all right.

Here's Garfield.

Ha ha ha.

What's wrong? Don't you get it?

Look, he stole the lasagna.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Whoo ha ha ha ha ha!

Uncle stuie, are you laughing

or should I call 911?

Your father was on a ladder,

trying to change a light bulb.

What's so funny about that?

Pop.

Are you all right?

Yeah.

I forgot to use head and shoulders this morning

and the flakes are enormous.

You always were the funniest one

in the family.

My sister says on her honeymoon,

you got even bigger laughs.

Maybe so,

but at least in my sex life,

there's someone else involved.

Stuie, why don't you go back to your fish market

and shove a Halibut up your bass?

Usually, pop, when you change a light bulb,

you don't need to remove part of the ceiling.

Son, there is a good explanation for this.

I'm changing a light bulb in the hall

when Mrs. O'Miley walks out...

A rhino in a fuzzy pink nightgown,

with her stockings rolled down to her ankles...

When suddenly I realize

she ain't wearing ay stockings.

Eww! Eww!

So I did what any normal heterosexual male

would have done.

I blacked out.

Men!

You're nothing but trouble with stubble.

What did I do?

Hey, this is a female talking.

Assume you're wrong and apologize.

Mona, I'm very, very sorry,

and I'll never do it again.

What did I do?

Where is she?

Who?

Your wife.

I dreamt you got married

last night.

Mona, if I was married,

I wouldn't be sleeping alone

on the couch.

Why not?

My dad always does.

Here's what I'll do about your dream.

I'll take a nap and get it annulled.

Vinnie, I happen to take marriage very seriously.

Marriage is like capital punishment,

but at least with capital punishment,

you get a hot meal, a blindfold,

and a speedy death.

Just promise me you won't get

married today.

Mona, I would never rush into marriage.

I'm a one-woman man.

And I'm going to find that one woman,

no matter how many hundreds I got to go out with.

That's my boy.

Vinnie, there's something you got

to understand.

I like you so much,

if you get married without giving me

a chance,

I will turn your life

into a nonstop, burning, churning,

flesh-searing hell!

Toodles.

What's appening to sweet, little Mona?

She's becoming a woman.

[Jingle]

Silverware.

Service for three.

Look out! Aah!

I'm ok. I'm ok.

[Tinkle]

Hey, crystal.

Service for thousands.

Vinnie!

I need to go over my seating chart

with that cute catering guy.

Would you bring me my diagram?

Alixandra! Tsk tsk tsk.

You barely know that guy.

Vinnie, my dia-gram.

It's on the top of the desk

in the office. Ok?

Yeah, that I can do.

Ahem.

Ahem.

I'm clearing my throat

so you'll know I'm in the room. Ahem.

I'm not looking. I'm not looking.

Hi, Colleen.

Hey, pal, do you mind?

I'm just getting what

I'm getting.

Then you can get back

to getting what you're getting.

Are you getting it today?

Yeah.

Your seat is on the seating chart

there, Colleen.

Boy, I bet tables 8 and 10

are going to be happy tonight.

♪ Here comes the bride ♪

♪ big, fat, and wide ♪♪♪

Well, slap me silly.

Immediate seating up front, miss.

You know, sugar,

I used to be Clint Eastwood's

stunt double.

Maybe later on,

me and you can get good, bad, and ugly.

I got a feeling with a woman like that,

I'd need a fistful of dollars.

[Wedding march plays]

Vinnie?

Vinnie?

You're Vinnie verducci.

Yeah.

Don't you recognize me?

Well, let me think.

White gown, veil.

You must be the bride.

You're definitely Vinnie verducci.

Tyler Adams!

What are you doing here?

Well, I was in the neighborhood.

Thought I'd get married.

Vinnie.

Tyler.

Vinnie.

Tyler.

How long has it been?

Tyler.

It's been six years...

Eight months...

And 15 days.

Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt, dear,

but they are playing your song.

Vinnie, you were my first.

You were my first, too.

Oh.

And my favorite.

This will be such a nice thing to talk about

on the receiving line.

Won't it?

Say, why don't you go get married?

Oh.

Vinnie, I'm guessing you know this girl.

I was a busboy at a rich girls' camp,

and we fell in love.

Aw.

Then her parents found out

and airlifted her out.

What a sad story.

Did you empty the ashtrays?

Oh, no, she's marrying the guy

who was kissing Colleen!

If you were getting married

and your fiance was a bum,

would you want me to do something?

Absolutely.

Ok, I'll do it.

Emmet!

Emmet, have they gotten to the "object" part yet?

You just missed it.

Oh, no.

Then it's too late.

Hmm, maybe it isn't.

[Fire alarm rings]

Fire!

Women and children, you're on your own!

Oh!

No! Wait!

Whoa!

Whew! Amber, are you all right?

Yeah. I just love having skid marks on my nose.

Yeah, there's nothing as satisfying

as buffing your ball.

[Knock on door]

I'll fix it Friday. Go away.

I've been trying to call you

for over half an hour.

Who you been gabbing to?

Nobody.

This might explain all the bills

from 555-purr.

Verducci, you got to get

to the club, quick.

Vinnie's in trouble and needs help.

He broke up a wedding.

Instead of a honeymoon, there might be a hanging.

Oh, boy. Let's go.

Shoo-whee!

So this is where mama said I'd end up

if I didn't do my homework.

Vinnie...

You stopped my wedding because

of Brian, right?

Yeah, yeah.

I guess.

You're jealous?

No, that's not why I pulled the alarm.

What do you see in that guy anyway?

Well, he's bright, and he's charming.

He's always on top of things.

I got to give him that.

Hey, Tyler, what the hell...

Whatever he said, it's not true,

and I didn't do anything.

You guys talk.

I got some reading to do.

So that's why you rang the alarm.

Who was she this time?

You want to give us some privacy?

No, don't go anywhere, Vinnie.

You promised you'd stop fooling around

once we got married.

But I had 10 minutes left.

Ok, it was a joke.

I'm sorry.

Come on. Let's get married.

Brian, no.

No!

Come on.

Hey, hey, hey! The lady said no.

Hey, pal... uhh!

I don't think you want to do this.

I used to be a professional boxer.

We don't really want to tangle, do we?

No, maybe you're right.

Brian, it's best that we don't get married.

We never would have made it.

Why don't you just leave?

You'll never find another man like me.

That's what I'm counting on.

Gee, Tyler, I don't know

what to say.

I usually don't know what to say,

but this time I won't say anything.

It's weird.

My wedding just fell apart.

I know I should be upset,

but all I can think about

is our last night at camp.

We decided we'd go skinny-dipping

together,

but only if we promised

not to peek.

I peeked. I peeked.

When we came out of the water,

we laid our blanket down on the beach.

I remember how your body moved

up against mine.

I should have never put the blanket

on an anthill.

Oh, god, Vinnie, this is crazy.

I should be crying.

Remember we moved to the gazebo then?

We fell asleep in each other's arms,

our bodies outlined in the moonlight.

The next morning,

we woke up to the sound of crickets, birds...

And the whole camp laughing at us

while we tried to cover ourselves

with sod.

Oh, Vinnie,

we could have 10,000 nights like that.

How?

They turned the camp into a mall.

No. There's another way.

Vinnie, will you marry me?

Uh...

Uh, uh...

Uh, uh...

[Whistles]

Uh-oh. I think that angry mob

of wedding invitees

might turn ugly.

You want me to teach you a choke hold?

No, Emmet, I think they'll be all right

if we just keep them entertained.

Come with me.

Oh, lord.

No. Please don't make me do this.

I'm not very good in front of people.

I don't think I could do this

even if my job depended upon it.

Well, it does.

♪ A-come on over, baby ♪

♪ a whole lotta shakin' goin' on ♪

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I said a-come on over, baby ♪

♪ a whole lotta shakin' goin' on ♪

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪♪♪

Vinnie, I asked you

to marry me.

Are you ok?

I don't know.

The last time I felt like this

was after pop and I had some bad clams.

Vinnie, we got to talk.

Charlie verducci. Pleased to meet you.

The pleasure's mine.

Just so long as the pleasure

ain't Vinnie's.

See the gown she's wearing?

The custom is to catch the garter,

not the whole bride.

It's not what you think.

This is Tyler Adams,

my old girlfriend from camp.

Come here.

I don't care who she is.

We verduccis have a code...

Never try to steal a woman when...

Tyler Adams? The rich one

with the helicopter?

Can the code.

Sweetheart!

I've heard so much about you

from Vinnie.

Nice meeting you. What did I miss?

I just asked Vinnie to marry me.

We do.

Are you sure?

We is.

It ain't just because you got

a helicopter.

We'd marry you if you had an

ordinary jet plane.

Pop, we got to be alone.

Come on, Vinnie. Tyler can stay with us.

She's family now.

Mr. Verducci, if you don't mind...

Oh, you mean the two of you.

Hey, no problem.

But what is this Mr. Verducci stuff?

Call me pop.

If you let this one get away,

don't come home.

Well, Vinnie,

what's your answer?

Listen, this is just all too quick.

We don't anything about each other

anymore.

I don't know what you stand for,

what you believe in.

I don't even know who your favorite Simpson is.

Truth, justice, and homer.

Ok, but this is all happening so fast.

I haven't even had a chance to kiss you yet.

What if the ba-boom is gone?

Tell you what, Vinnie,

if the kiss doesn't do anything for us,

we'll shake hands, walk out of here,

and hold on to our memories.

Well, I was planning on doing that

during the kiss.

So this kiss means everything, huh?

Yeah.

Whoa.

What?

There's a lot riding on our lips here.

How about two out of three?

Anything?

Kind of a tingle.

Actually, more of a tinglette.

We should try again.

Ba-boom. Ba-boom.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today

to join this man and this woman

in holy matrimony.

If there is anyone here

who objects to the union of these two people,

let them speak now or forever hold their...

Vinnie, don't do it!

Mona, this is not a good time.

I'm getting married here.

I was asleep during history class,

and I had the same dream

I had last night.

Ok. You can go ahead.

I do.

I don't.

Pardon me. Excuse me.

Pardon me. Excuse me.

Wow.

Pardon me.

Excuse me. We don't know

this person.

We have never seen her before.

Mona, wait till I tell your mother.

How many people here are married?

If you had to do it all over again,

how many would marry the same person?

Mona, please.

Go home.

Padre, pronto with the "I dos."

Mr. Verducci, you can't.

Mona, you'll just have to

live with this.

Well, fine. You'll just have

to live with this.

[Alarm sounds]

Oh! Fire in the hall!

No. Get back there.

Get the wedding... no, no.

Have the wedd...

♪ Come and shake your body,

baby, do the conga ♪

♪ you know I can't control myself

any longer ♪

♪ come and shake your body,

baby, do the conga ♪

♪ you know you can't control yourself any longer ♪

Everybody!

While Tyler's in the other room

with her mother,

we got to talk.

Can it wait? I love this song.

♪ Do the conga ♪♪♪

Come on, pop. Pop.

I don't know if...

I know what you want me

to tell you...

How to handle a wife, right?

It's very simple.

A wife likes to be treated

with dignity, respect,

and kindness.

Now, you'll have a perfect marriage

if you just don't expect any of those

things in return.

But, pop, I'm crazy about this girl,

but I don't know

if I'm ready to get married.

I got a date tomorrow night,

and I don't want to break it.

Some would view that as a lack of commitment.

No man is ever ready to get married.

They're only ready to get divorced.

But you wanted to marry mom, right?

Of course,

but I was petrified, too.

I was afraid, at the last minute,

she'd wise up and back out.

But, thank god, she didn't.

So your mother and I,

we had a wonderful marriage.

I want the same thing

for you, too, son.

Then how come you're always making jokes

about marriage?

Because I'm a guy. That's what guys do.

But if we get married,

how can I keep her

in the style she's accustomed to?

I'll have to work a lot of overtime

to buy a mansion.

Don't worry about it.

We'll live in her mansion

until you can afford one.

This rich girl is the answer

to our dreams.

And you like her, too.

That's a wonderful bonus.

But, pop, I hardly know her now.

Vinnie?

I've been looking all over for you.

You ready to tie the knot?

No way. I want to have kids.

Listen, we're both nervous.

I found a compatibility test

in this magazine.

Let's see if we're right

for each other.

I love compatibility tests.

Me, too.

Ok.

Ok. Question number one...

"How many children are you thinking

of having?"

Seven. Seven.

Well, six boys, one girl.

I'm sure a lot of people want

six boys and one girl.

Yeah.

Yeah. Ok.

Uh, question two...

"How many times a week

do you and your lover

want to..."

31.31.

Well, actually 32,

but I didn't want to scare you.

Actually 40, but I didn't want

to scare you.

Ooh.

Number three...

"Is your partner totally and

unconditionally

committed to the relationship?"

Totally.

If you are.

Unconditionally.

If you are.

I don't think I'm ready

to get married.

Me either.

So, you won't be my wife?

No, I won't.

And you won't be my husband?

No.

We're so lucky not to have each other.

[Helicopter approaches]

My ride's here.

Are you sure

you don't want to come to Europe?

I've never been more unsure

of anything before.

But when you get back,

can we see each other again?

Do you really want to see me?

I've never been more sure

of anything before.

Kids today...

They don't understand marrying for money.

Hey, Vinnie,

you did the right thing.

So what if you gave up $3 million?

Who cares?

Charlie, she's worth 30 million.

You're both wrong.

She's worth 300 million.

Wait! Hold that chopper! We love you!

Hold that chopper!

Oh!

Hey, pop. Watch out for the tree.

Ooh!

Captioning performed by the national captioning

institute, inc.

Public performance of captions prohibited without permission of

national captioning institute

captions copyright 1991 elp communications