Original subtitles

♪ If you're blue ♪

♪ and you don't know where to go to ♪

♪ why don't you go ♪

♪ where fashion sits ♪

♪ puttin' on the ritz ♪

♪ different types who wear a big coat ♪

♪ pants with stripes ♪

♪ or cutaway coat ♪

♪ perfect fit ♪

♪ puttin' on the ritz ♪

♪ dressed up like a million-dollar trouper ♪

♪ tryin' hard to look like Gary Cooper ♪

♪ any way you know ♪

♪ come on, let's mix ♪

♪ where rockefellers walk with sticks ♪

♪ or umbrellas ♪

♪ in their mitts ♪

♪ puttin' on the ritz ♪♪♪

Captioning made possible by Columbia pictures television,

fox broadcasting company,

and 199o nci caption club/ grantsmanship

Vinnie. Listen up.

I want you to hear something.

"Why I, Charlie verducci, love l'eggs panty hose."

Pop, we got to get you a woman.

True, but listen to this.

It's in the form of a poem.

"L'eggs are perfect for big and small.

"No matter how wide your butt,

one size fits all."

That's beautiful, pop,

and nothing would make me prouder

than to see you as the l'eggs spokeslady.

The reason I enter these contests

is because after I'm gone,

it's important for me to leave you something.

What, a lifetime supply of panty hose?

Hey, that looks good.

That's not for you, pop. That's for Mr. Fluffy.

I got yours right over here.

I just put it in the cat food can

because Mr. Fluffy got the last clean plate.

Open the hangar.

Here comes the airplane.

Come on. Take a little bite for daddy.

[Yeow]

How'd you like to go for a ride in the toilet?

He's just jealous 'cause no one's petted

or rubbed him in three months.

Three months and two weeks,

and it's none of your business.

Besides, cats are worthless anyway.

Only the Thai people appreciate cats.

That's only as an entree.

Cats aren't worth anything, huh, pop?

Not a cent.

Look at this.

"Ruggles has roamed.

Will pay $5,000 if you bring him home."

What? $5,000 for a cat?

It's worth more than I am.

This here stupid cat

looks just like your stupid cat.

Except that he doesn't have Mr. Fluffy's style

and class.

It takes a lot of class

to give yourself a sponge bath

with your own tongue.

Three months and two weeks, huh?

Soon you'll give yourself a sponge bath

with your own tongue.

Would that I could.

What was that?

That was opportunity knocking.

Oh, all right. I'll get it.

Vinnie, Vinnie, it's ok. We don't know him.

It's been a long time since you and I

did something together as verduccis,

just as father and son.

What do you say we go get ice cream,

then palm off your cat for 5 grand?

Like you'd sell Mr. Fluffy

when you know how much that would hurt me.

[Knock on door]

Maybe that's opportunity again.

Yeah. On the way to a rich neighborhood,

opportunity stops in our neighborhood

to go to the bathroom.

Go let him in.

All right.

Hi, Vinnie.

Hi, Mr. Verducky.

It's verducci.

Oh, I see.

So then it's Donald and daffy ducci.

I want to ask you a question.

Suppose your father had an opportunity

to sell your stupid dog bud.

No. My stupid brother is bud.

My stupid dog is buck.

I got it confused

'cause they're both in heat all the time.

Get this.

Pop thinks he can get 5 grand out of Mr. Fluffy.

We once got 50 cents out of buck,

but we had to wait all night,

and then nobody wanted it.

You know, Vinnie,

Mr. Fluffy looks like he could use some exercise.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm taking him outside

and teach him how to tease German Shepherds.

Eew!

My shoes are all wet and slimy.

See? I told you Mr. Fluffy

had an upset stomach last night.

It's a good thing that ad doesn't say dead or alive.

You don't really think

he'd sell my cat, do you?

Well, for $300,

my dad tried to convince my mom

to be the Volvo test dummy.

You asked your dad before coming here?

Yeah. He said if he ever found us together

that he would kill you.

So, you want to make out?

No. If he kills me,

my dad will never talk to me again.

If you're going to stay here,

you're going to have to promise

we'll just be friends.

You must have male friends you don't make out with.

Of course I do.

There's Bobby, and he's a hairdresser,

and his roommate Dwayne.

Neither of them have ever tried to touch me,

but I think Dwayne wants to

'cause he's always asking

about my underwear.

I know Dwayne.

He asks me questions about my underwear, too.

But listen, Kelly, I need your help.

I want to get a job

so I can make pop's life easier.

Ok. I'll help you,

but you have to help me.

Rub my shoulders.

So, what do you want to do?

What would make your life happy?

Well, uh...

I want to work with other people,

and I want to work with my hands.

I want to get excited about what I do.

I want to work with my hands.

[Knock on door]

Hey, opportunity, I'm busy.

It's you.

It's really you.

Kelly Bundy here in person in my building.

I heard the rumors in the neighborhood,

but I dared not believe them true,

but here you are, the queen of love,

my idol since I was 10.

Fame is such a burden.

Bless you, urchin.

And who the hell are you?

She's a little Barbie doll

who wants to be a blowup doll.

Miss Bundy, would you sign my gum wrapper "to Mona"?

"Wait until you're married to get fat. Kelly buddy."

Bundy.

There's no "n."

There's an "n" in Bundy?

I'm going to call the rich guy

who placed this add.

Soon you'll be shedding in the lap of luxury.

Wait there.

Where the hell did he go?

Mr. Fluffy!

My dear sweet little friend Mr. Fluffy.

Where are you, you furry piece of vermin?

Oh...

Mr. Verducci.

Nice to see you.

Hello, Mrs. O'Miley.

No man of mine

would ever have to do his own laundry.

There are a lot of guys

who'd love to be fluffed and folded by you.

So, do you happen to have any plans

for this evening?

I must.

It just so happens

I'm cooking up a big pot of cabbage bean soup,

and it's just too much for one person.

Even you?

Oh, Mr. Verducci.

I love a man with a sense of humor.

And a sport coat made of chocolate.

Oh, I could just eat you up.

Now, remember,

mama's always got her pot of soup

bubbling for you.

Look, a twinkie.

You kill me.

Whoo!

[Meow]

[Meow]

Mr. Fluffy.

Mr. Fluffy.

Speak to me.

Please speak to me.

You're a cat. You can't speak.

Meow to me.

[Meow]

You're alive. Hang in there.

I don't like the way you're breathing.

What do I do?

I know. Mouth-to-cat resuscitation.

Baw.

He tastes bad mouse.

Look, look...

Look, you're all right.

Oh, you're all right now. Sure. Sure.

I saved your life.

But, uh...

Let's get one thing straight, furface.

I don't like you. Get it?

I do not like you.

I'm so glad you're ok, Mr. Fluffy.

I don't know how

I could have considered selling you.

How could I have told Vinnie about it?

I'm sorry. You forgive me?

Oh, Mr. Verducci, I was just

wondering if...

Ohh! Ooh.

Why, you're cuddling my lingerie.

Why drink Pepsi when you can have

the real thing?

You're not a pussycat. You're a foosycat.

You're a pussy, wussy, foosy, debussy cat.

♪ I love a pussycat ♪

♪ and a pussycat loves me ♪

♪ ya ta ta-ta-ta, whoo ♪

♪ do da Dee Dee Dee Dee Dee wee ♪

♪ doo whoo ♪

♪ doo wee ♪

♪ ya ta ta-ta-ta teedle Lee tee tee ♪

♪ da da dat dat dat da, whoo ♪

Mr. Fluffy, how could you sleep

on a junky old bed like this?

You're a prince.

You deserve only the best.

I'll buy you everything

the best money could buy...

Up to 10 bucks.

Hey, I didn't know you were still seeing Roxanne.

Go ahead. Go play doctor.

Cat's doing better than I am.

♪ I love a foosycat ♪

♪ and a foosycat loves me ♪

♪ da da da da da da da ♪♪♪

Pop, you didn't.

If you're talking about Mrs. O'Miley,

you better believe I didn't.

I mean you sold Mr. Fluffy.

He went off with Roxanne

to do the kitty conga.

He hasn't been seeing her for months.

I know you sold him.

I saved his life today.

Something wonderful happened.

We bonded. I put my mouth on his.

We traded spit.

Oh, pop, what a tangled woven sweater we knit

when we practice to never try, try again.

What does that mean?

I believe it's self-exploratory.

Vinnie...

[Doorbell rings]

Mr. Verducky?

Verducci.

Whatever.

Congratulations.

You're the proud winner of a new TV set.

New TV set?

I must have come in third

in that "107 uses for"

"mascara" contest.

You've never won anything.

You bought this with the money you got

for selling Mr. Fluffy.

No, I didn't. I won it. Tell him.

Yeah. He won it.

He made you say that, didn't he?

Yeah. He made me.

I made you say it because it's the truth.

Tell him.

Yeah. It's the truth.

Sir, don't you ever darken

my doorface again.

Ok. I'm out of here.

Pop, you've always taught me

never to trust anybody.

Why did that have to mean you, too?

Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie...

Vinnie, I...

I...

I wonder if this is cable-ready.

My poor little Mr. Fluffy!

My lost little pussycat!

Where are...

Hello, ladies.

I did not sell Mr. Fluffy.

I've been out all night putting up posters.

For two days I've been looking for him.

Look, I made them myself.

Nice to see you, sister.

New habit?

Charles verducci...

How could you?

Sister.

Charles.

She may have shrunk, but she can still hit.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

And you call yourself a man.

Et tu, o'Miley?

To think I almost let you

have your way with me.

Ooh. You mean I had a shot?

Ahh, the dreams we shared.

The plans we made.

I even made a trip to Victoria's secret.

Talk about a big secret.

No wonder it's been three months

and two weeks.

After three months and two weeks,

she's starting to look cute.

He sold Mr. Fluffy.

He sold Mr. Fluffy.

He sold Mr. Fluffy.

Why don't you take your mind off cats?

Come watch this Garfield special with me.

Nothing can cheer me up, Kelly.

I can't resist that nutty cat.

That Garfield is some actor.

I hear...

I hear he does his own stunts.

Really?

He must be really rich.

He's got his own TV show,

his own comic strips, his own books.

I wonder if he's married.

I can't watch this anymore.

I know something that will keep your mind

off your furry little friend.

That's sweet, Kelly,

but I just keep picturing him

all curled up and warm,

rubbing his head up against me,

purring...

[Purring]

Putting his...

Putting his little paw on my shoulder.

Damn, I miss Mr. Fluffy.

Vinnie, I know you're upset about your cat,

and you feel you lost your best friend.

In times like this, affection is called for.

So obviously I'm not going to get any here,

so I'm going over to my boyfriend's house.

Wait. What day is it?

Friday.

Bob.

Hello, cutie face. How you doing?

Go dig a hole in the ground

and throw away the key.

What is she talking about?

I've been out all night

putting up wanted posters for Mr. Fluffy.

On my way home,

I stopped, and I got you your favorite, Vinnie...

Macadamia nut ice cream.

What's wrong? Are they out of guilt ripple?

Vinnie, I'm your father.

I'm not the kind of guy who would sell the cat.

Ok. I am the kind who'd sell the cat,

but I didn't.

No, thanks. I'm not hungry.

They ain't for you.

They're Mr. Fluffy's favorites.

When he smells these, he'll come a-running.

Mr. Fluffy!

Come on home, little wussycat!

I got all your favorites!

I got entrails delight,

I got hoofs and stuff,

and I got little bits of colon.

If you really think that I sold Mr. Fluffy,

call the guy from the ad,

and say, "hey, mister,

I want my cat back."

If I do, he'll know it's a scam,

and you'll end up in jail.

Besides, his line's been busy all day.

Look.

Hey.

It's like relatives.

Put out free food, they all show up.

You can fool some of the people

most of the time,

and you can fool a lot of the people

a lot of the times,

and you can fool anybody sometimes,

but there's no fool like an old fool.

Vinnie, I don't have to prove anything to you

because I have always told you the truth.

Remember the time I bet against you

in little league?

No.

Well, that's 'cause I didn't tell you,

but with the money I won on that bet,

I bought you that beautiful Raleigh racer,

remember?

Ooh, I loved that bike.

I was so sad when it got stolen.

Well, it, uh...

It didn't exactly get stolen.

You see, I, um...

I kind of needed that money to bet on a horse,

a horse I could have beaten on your bike.

But the main thing is,

because you didn't have a bike,

you had to trot to school every day.

Therefore, you built up your leg muscles,

got on the track team, got a varsity letter,

then all the girls wanted you.

So if I didn't bet against you

in little league,

hey, today you might still be a virgin.

Pop, how can I ever thank you?

By believing me.

That's the only way?

I'm afraid so.

If you didn't sell Mr. Fluffy,

then he's out there,

wandering the streets alone.

We got to find him.

You're right. We ain't coming back until we do.

We're going to search every alley

and every garbage can.

We're not going to sleep in a warm bed

until our little baby wussy foosy cat does.

Let's go get him.

[TV turns on]

Captioning performed by the national captioning

institute, inc.

Public performance of captions prohibited without permission of

national captioning institute

captions copyright 1991 elp communications