Original subtitles

♪ If you're blue ♪

♪ and you don't know where to go to ♪

♪ why don't you go ♪

♪ where fashion sits ♪

♪ puttin' on the ritz ♪

♪ different types who wear a big coat ♪

♪ pants with stripes ♪

♪ or cutaway coats ♪

♪ perfect fit ♪

♪ puttin' on the ritz ♪

♪ dressed up like a million-dollar trouper ♪

♪ tryin' hard to look like Gary Cooper ♪

♪ any way you can do it ♪

♪ come on, let's mix ♪

♪ where rockefellers walk with sticks ♪

♪ or umbrellas ♪

♪ in their mitts ♪

♪ puttin' on the ritz ♪♪♪

Captioning made possible by Columbia pictures television,

fox broadcasting company,

and 1991 nci caption club/ grantsmanship

Oh, baby. Oh, yes, baby.

Oh, that is so good.

Oh.

Sure. I'll call you in the morning.

Vinnie, do me a favor.

Tell your cat not to sleep on my face.

It gets very frustrating.

He can't help it. Your breath

smells like tuna.

It's 3:00 in the morning.

You're just coming back from the country club?

I worked this rich guy's party.

They complained about their wives

and bragged about their girlfriends.

Guys like that make me sick.

They got wonderful relationships with

terrific women,

and they ruin it by talking

about their wives.

[Ring]

Hello.

Oh, hi, Heidi.

I'm on my way over.

Protection?

Well, I got a baseball bat

in the car.

Right.

Boy, she must live in a bad

neighborhood.

Not everybody can live in paradise.

What shirt do you like better?

The blue one.

Ok.

Hey.

You ain't going out now, are you?

What could you do with a girl

at 3 A.M.?

Oh, my god. I'm turning

into my father.

Hey, Vinnie,

if you see me driving like this,

shoot me.

Compared to those guys at the club tonight,

you're a spring chiclet.

They were talking about this stupid new game

they're playing called corporate raiders.

You buy millions of chairs,

and you turn them over.

That's supposed to be fun?

I'll stick with donkey Kong.

Vinnie, Vinnie, let me translate here.

They're talking about the stock market.

They weren't buying chairs.

They were buying shares.

They're planning a takeover,

not a turnover.

Vinnie, Vinnie, a stock tip like this

can make our dream come true.

You mean world peace, pop?

Even better!

A chance to live in a house

where you can take a shower

and flush at the same time!

Do places like that really exist?

They do, Vinnie. They really do.

For you to make money

on what you learned tonight,

remember the company those rich guys

were talking about.

You don't have the best memory,

and I'll try to help you.

Did it start with an "a"?

No.

A "b"?

No.

Ask me if it starts with a "p."

Give me that.

"Pan-newco corporation."

Vinnie!

You know how valuable this card is?

You bet. I wrote a waitress' number

on it.

You know, son?

You don't remember this.

When you were 4,

you wanted this shiny new truck

for Christmas,

and I couldn't afford it.

Every year after that,

it made me sick

every time I heard the sounds

of Christmas.

Hey, even Santa sweats.

Nevertheless,

if I could raise the money

to buy this pan-newco stock,

next Christmas, I'll have Santa bring

you that truck.

What do you think of that?

Mr. Clayton, I'd like to talk to you.

How'd you like to be rich?

I am rich.

Could you use a few bucks?

Who couldn't?

Verducci, I'm the wealthiest member

of this club,

and you're the poorest nonmember.

Why should I listen to you?

Hey, I won't take a nickel from you

unless you make money.

Here's the deal...

Pan-newco corporation is about to be

taken over,

so that means the stock's worth a fortune.

For such a tip,

my end is, what, 50% of the profits?

Be grateful for 10.

Very grateful.

You're sure you got this

from somebody who can manage money?

Absolutely.

Hey, give me back my wallet.

Don't forget. I'm offering this

just to you.

Psst.

Clifford.

Could you use a few extra bucks?

Pardon us. Official club business.

Verducci, Ms. Stone wants to see you.

Not now. I'm working.

Are you in the mood for a barbecue?

A barbecue?

Because Ms. Stone's going to grill your buns.

Hey, now, you little hellions.

Give Vinnie back his shoe!

Verducci, I hear

you're dispensing financial advice

to our members.

That's like the pope giving out sex tips.

If you want the name of the stock,

why don't you seduce it out of me?

Oh, boy, I would love to get you in the sack.

Yeah? And then what?

Then I'd throw in some rocks

and throw you over a bridge.

Does that mean a back rub is out?

Emmett, I got new employees...

I'm a highly-trained security engineer.

It's not my job to give tours

to every Tom, dick, and Harry.

My, oh, my, oh, my.

Ain't life sweet?

Terry Lynn, Gina, lotus,

say hello to Emmett.

Hi, Emmett.

Say it again.

Hi, Emmett. Hi, Emmett.

Hi, Emmett.

Emmett, cool your drool.

Take the girls back

and get their clothes off

and into their uniforms.

Up until now,

the dental plan was my favorite benefit.

Come on, girls. My name is Emmett lefebvre,

but you can call me hef.

Uh, Vinnie,

who are these girls?

You told me to hire three waitresses

at 1:00.

No, Vinnie. I told you

to hire one waitress at 3:00.

You'll have to give two of those

a pink slip.

You know, I was thinking

more in terms of a black Teddy.

Two of those girls have to be fired.

Good luck.

Vinnie, you made the mistake.

You have to rectify it with them.

I barely know them.

I can't ask them to do that.

Rectify?

Rectify.

I got to look it up.

Rectify.

W-r-e-c-k...

That was the last time

old Patrick Swayze bothered me.

Uh, Emmett, Emmett.

I need your help.

I got to fire two of these girls.

You try, and I'll beat you to death with my flashlight.

Uh, Terry Lynn, can I speak to you?

Sure, but first I want to ask you something.

Can I have you for dinner tonight?

I'd love to be had for your dinner,

but you got to understand,

I'm in a position of responsibility

here, you know?

Oh, what a horny dilemma.

Hey, where do you think you're going, buster?

I'm here to see Charlie verducci.

It's my job to stop people.

To stop people from doing what?

Stop people from being thirsty.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

Verducci's the tall one over there.

If you want to rough him up,

I'll look the other way.

Hey, verducci.

Yeah?

You asked my boss for money.

He ok'd you for 10 gs.

I asked for 100 gs.

Well, here's 10,000.

You don't pay us back in a month,

and you'll owe us 100,000.

Pop,

that guy's a loan shark.

Why didn't you go to a bank?

I'd have better luck taking out

Michelle pfeiffer.

If you don't pay him back,

you'll walk like Michelle pfeiffer.

I borrowed this because I got

to buy that stock.

Vinnie, look around you.

It's a figure of speech.

Oh.

You see all these guys in this club?

Not one of them gets a call at 3:00 A.M.

To fix a toilet.

But they don't get the satisfaction

of a good flush, either.

Be that as it may,

take this measly 10,000,

go to that brokerage house

on the corner,

get 1,000 shares of pan-newco

corporation.

Got that?

Why don't you go?

I got to line up more investors.

This place is like a candy store

filled with rich people.

I want to grab them by their milk duds.

Go ahead. Go.

$10,000. I better guard this with my life.

Hey!

Oh, my, what a nice allowance.

Why do I think that this comes

from a shylock?

How do you know that stuff?

Hey, I wasn't born with a silver spoon

in my mouth.

I'll bet your mother was happy about that.

Pop wants me to buy stock

so he can become a big financial typhoon.

He's got the hot air.

Listen, Vinnie, your pop is lousy with money.

Don't invest that loan shark's money.

You don't want to see your father take a bath.

No... although when I was a kid,

I used to enjoy watching him shave.

In my old neighborhood, there was this woman,

Mrs. Esposito.

Before she borrowed money from a loan shark,

she was Mr. Esposito.

Ooh.

"Rectify...

To correct or set right."

You know, the dictionary can come in mighty handy.

Hi, honey. I'm home.

I'm not your honey. This isn't your home.

What gives?

I made you breakfast in bed.

Mona, at your age, it should be

breakfast in crib.

But it's still delicious,

and you better hurry if you want it hot.

Mona, cool it.

You're oversexed.

You know, when I was your age...

Well, I was oversexed, too, but

that's different.

I was a boy.

Listen, I need help.

If you're asked to do something wrong...

I like the sound of this so far.

Look. I'm stuck with this 10 grand pop

thinks I invested.

I don't know what to do with it.

I know.

Let's go to Victoria's secret

and see if they have a teen department.

Here. Hide this.

Shh.

Vinnie! Look at the TV.

That stock went up two points.

We're up $2,000, my little good

luck charm.

Isn't america great?

Where else can you make money

while you're asleep?

The post office?

It went up another point!

[Telephone rings]

Hello?

Yeah. Hold on a second.

It's for you, Vinnie... Heidi.

I'll talk to her.

No, no, no.

Hi, Heidi? Vinnie can't

go out tonight.

He's taking our kids to Chuck E. Cheese.

Bye.

Tramp.

It was Heidi.

I guess you won't be yodeling in her

mountains anymore.

I think she likes you.

She's ruining my life.

That's what happens when they like you.

Something the matter with your foot?

What money?

Vinnie! Vinnie!

It's up another two points!

Woo-hoo-hoo!

Attention poor people.

I have some announcements to make.

Announcement number one... I'm no longer one of you.

I'm now filthy rich.

It's all due to my son, the greatest kid anywhere,

Vinnie verducci.

God bless him. Vinnie, come take a bow.

I love this kid!

Look at this face.

Vinnie, say something for the benefit

of the poor people.

Pop, how far of a jump is that?

Look how he makes jokes.

Ok. Announcement number two...

Announcement number 32...

I'm giving my notice to quit,

so in two weeks, you'll notice

I'm gone.

Here's the good news...

Now that I'm rich,

Christmas comes early

for you poor people.

I'm buying all new pants,

all new shirts,

and a second pair of underwear.

Here, here. Wear them.

Play with them. Enjoy them.

Hey, verducci, shut up and fix my pipes!

Hey, carlotta, blindfold your

husband

and get him to fix your pipes.

More news to follow.

Vinnie, now that we're rich,

I'll buy you whatever you want.

Hey, how does a corvette sound?

Uh... vrooo...

Vrooo...

Vrooo...

I'll assume you're joking again.

Pop, you don't actually have

the money yet.

Remember... don't count your chickens

before the bird's in your hand,

because haste makes waste.

You know, since we've become rich,

you've become very profound.

But remember one thing...

For this to continue to work,

we got to be quiet about it.

You got a tendency to be a little

too trusting.

I am not too trusting.

[Knock on door]

Come on in. It's open.

Oh, hi, Vinnie. Gee, I feel terrible.

That stock I asked you not to buy is up

five points.

How'd you tell him?

Very gently. I didn't tell him.

Vinnie, you have to!

Isn't there some other way to rectify

this problem?

No. You have to do it.

Now, I'm adamant about this.

Oh, no. Adamant. Not again.

Who would have thought your father

could ever be right about money?

I should mind my own business.

I respect that, alixandra.

Thank you.

What should I do?

I think you have to tell him the truth

before he gets crazy about this money thing.

♪ They say the best things in life are free ♪

Woom.

♪ But you can save it for the birds and bees ♪

♪ just give me money ♪

♪ that's what I want ♪

♪ mo-o-o-ney ♪

♪ that's what I want ♪

♪ want want want want ♪♪♪

Hello.

Nice day, ain't it?

Hey, Emmett.

Vinnie, have you seen those spagler kids?

What do you want them for?

Their idea of fun...

Handcuffing me and hiding the key.

I have a spare key taped inside my thigh.

Can you help me?

Yeah. I'll go call a locksmith.

Hurry.

Vinnie, I told you to fire two of

these waitresses.

I can't, alixandra. They're human beings.

They got feelings, emotions...

It'll come out of your salary.

The babes are history.

Hi, girls.

Hi, Vinnie. Hi, Vinnie.

Listen, uh, this isn't easy for me.

You know, Vinnie, you're so sweet.

Our friends were wondering if you have

any more openings.

Gee, I don't think I earn enough.

Ohh...

I'll get two jobs.

Yeah!

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ he's going to make us all richer-r-r-r ♪

♪ which nobody can deny ♪♪♪

Charlie!

Charlie!

Charlie!

Pop. Pop.

I really got to talk...

Yeah, yeah. Not right now, Vinnie.

Yo, alix.

Ouch.

Verducci, you snap again like that,

you lose your snapper.

I love that kind of talk.

Hey, look,

your position comes up for review soon.

Now that I'm in tight with the committee,

maybe I can help you.

You know, I'll scratch your back

if you leave a few scratches on my back.

Oh, good, and I know just

the garden tool to use.

You've got five seconds to

tell him about his money.

It'll make him miserable.

I know.

Pop?

I never invested the $10,000.

I gave it back to the loan shark.

I take complete responsibility.

You what?

Actually, I took alixandra's advice.

Oh, hey, son, don't worry about it.

I still got a piece of everybody's profits.

We're set for life.

Hey, there's a special report

on the pan-newco corporation.

Maybe the stock split.

Ba-boom!

In our relentless pursuit

to protect the small investor,

we uncovered an interesting story

on pan-newco corporation,

a stock that's reaching new highs every day

despite the fact earnings are marginally off.

I went undercover at rolling hills country club

to investigate rumors of stock manipulations

emanating from the club.

This on?

Hey, buddy.

Hey, pop, that's you!

You look like the kind of guy

I can trust.

Pan-newco corporation's

about to be taken over.

Psst. Come here.

It's going to cost you, this tip.

Stick with Charlie verducci,

you'll be able to afford

a decent rug.

But just remember, pal...

So, another despicable spectacle

of insider trading.

I got news for you cartoon capitalists

at rolling hills country club.

The s.E.C. Has suspended trading in the stock.

As of now, it's worthless.

Where are those damned verduccis?

I'm through!

Wait till I find them!

How could I be so stupid?

Pop, don't feel bad.

You've been that stupid a million times before.

Every time I get close to something,

it goes bad.

I'm through letting the world

spit in my face.

Don't say that, pop.

If there's any saliva left

on this planet,

it'll zero in on your kisser.

That's what I love about you.

When you hit rock bottom,

you pick yourself up, dust yourself off,

and you hit rock bottom again.

Thanks, son.

That means a lot to me.

I love you, pop.

I love you, too.

Remember, pop...

Never give up our dreams.

It's the one thing us verduccis always got.

Right.

We still got one problem, pop.

What's that?

I still have to fire some waitresses.

Now is not the right time.

Waitresses,

avanti.

Captioning performed by the national captioning

institute, inc.

Public performance of captions prohibited without permission of

national captioning institute

captions copyright 1991 elp communications