Original subtitles

♪ If you're blue ♪

♪ and you don't know where to go to ♪

♪ why don't you go ♪

♪ where fashion sits ♪

♪ puttin' on the ritz ♪

♪ different types who wear a big coat ♪

♪ pants with stripes ♪

♪ or cutaway coats ♪

♪ perfect fit ♪

♪ puttin' on the ritz ♪

♪ dressed up like a million-dollar trouper ♪

♪ tryin' hard to look like Gary Cooper ♪

♪ any way you know ♪

♪ come on, let's mix ♪

♪ where rockefellers walk with sticks ♪

♪ or umbrellas ♪

♪ in their mitts ♪

♪ puttin' on the ritz ♪♪♪

Captioning made possible by Columbia pictures television,

fox broadcasting company and 1990 nci caption club/

grantsmanship

ok...

Every boxer should be able to work the speed bag.

The important thing here is quickness, not power.

Show me your stuff. Come on.

Here. Come on.

Work it.

Go ahead.

Hit the bag.

There you go.

Nice jabbing, my little

Muhammad Ali cat.

Hey, Vinnie...

If you were a woman

and you saw me,

what would you think?

I'd think I was your daughter.

And then I'd have to get all new clothes...

What about my boxing trophies?

Could I keep them?

Vinnie, Vinnie...

You're drifting again.

See, I'm talking about me and alixandra.

So what do you think?

She's going to take one look at you and...

Baboom! Baboom!

Just for a little baboom insurance,

I bought her some flowers

and candy, too.

You know, pop,

I really admire your persistence,

the way you kee@ chasing my boss alix

after all the times she's said,

"back off, not in this lifetime,"

and yeah, my personal favorite...

"I'd rather be gomer pyle's love slave."

Maybe I should get her real flowers.

Hi, Mona.

Hi, Vinnie.

I've put off my sex education

homework for a week.

You want to cram with me?

Mona, as you're well aware,

it's against the law to contribute

to the deliciousness of a minor.

I wouldn't want you to do anything

against the law...

Without me.

I got to go to work.

I'll pull the car... oh, pop,

3b's toilet overflowed yesterday.

I forgot to tell you.

Thank god.

I thought Mrs. O'Miley

made herself cabbage bean soup again.

See you out front.

So, Mona...

If you were a woman,

what would you find most attractive

about me?

Your son.

[Whistling]

Freeze!

Vinnie, don't be messing wi me.

I got a hair trigger.

Yeah...

But no gun.

Well, I had one,

but a deer got the drop on me and took it.

Hey, little lady, you got to be

on the list

or show me something to get in here.

Hold on to your eyes.

Whoo! Oh, my stars and garters.

Yeah, that'll do just fine.

Listen, sugar,

if you ever need anybody

to mistreat and make a fool of,

you ask for Emmet.

You're cute, but it's hard

to go back to miniature golf

when you've been on the pro tour.

I love a mean woman.

Hey, Kelly, what's shaking?

I mean, other than his eyes.

Vinnie, let's blow this popcorn stand.

Take me to go see that academy award-winning film,

you know, dances with wool.

I'm not into sheep films,

although I hear this one's done

from the sheep's point of view.

Anyway, I can't just leave here.

Qu'est-ce que why?

Qu'est-ce que 'cause I'm working.

There's a Madonna costume party

tonight.

Come back later.

Madonna dresses like a tramp.

I'd have nothing to wear.

Besides, I want you to go with me now.

Kelly, you're acting like a primadollar.

Fine.

I need a ride.

Who has the best car?

I'd go with you, darling, but Emmet

lefebvre flies solo.

Well, I'll be riding in a Mercedes,

but I'll be dreaming about you.

Now, that should take care of a few sins.

Hey, pop, having fun?

Yeah.

There's nothing I like better

than miming pool.

Hi. Hi.

I thought I was lucky

just to have a roof over my head.

Have you ever seen anything

so beautiful?

Hey, Vinnie...

Vinnie.

What?

Go hurry up and find alixandra.

I got dinner reservations,

and the early bird special's over at 3:00.

A woman doesn't like an invitation

that starts off with, "I got

this coupon..."

Yeah, that's what a woman wants...

Prime rib dinner 30 minutes after lunch.

Emmet, I don't mind a shot from you

below the belt,

'cause that's as high as you can reach.

That was a pickle.

Warren, you're hilarious.

It's nice that you're a member of the club.

You are such a sweet lady.

Hey, little man...

Who's the bozo hitting on alixandra?

Usually it's you.

But his name is Warren pardo.

No competition.

He doesn't compare to me.

He owns his own jet.

He owns his own island.

He drives a $250,000 lamborghini.

Your turn, stretch.

Yeah, but can he belch on command?

As impressive as that is,

I can do other things.

Ladies...

Permit me to entertain you two...

With my stick.

Uncle Warren, you should see

how great this guy is.

He's not the only one who should know that.

Hey, Vinnie,

I haven't introduced my nieces.

Ramona...

And Sherry.

Hi, Vinnie. Hi, Vinnie.

Why, no, I'm not dating anybody.

Why do you ask?

Why don't you show me around?

I'd love to see the gym.

I'd love to show it to you.

Are you in good shape?

Stupid question.

Hey, come here.

As of now, you and I are through.

Through? We never started.

Hey, don't expect me to sink to your level.

Any mature adult could tell what's

going on here.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

♪ Warren and alixandra sitting in a tree ♪

♪ k-i-s-s-i-n-g ♪♪♪

Sorry, I haven't had the pleasure.

It's really not that much of a pleasure.

Charles "one man, one woman" verducci.

Excuse me?

Warren "important new member" pardo.

This isn't your first time around a pool table.

Can I interest you in a little game of chance?

That could be fun.

Ok.

But why must it be a little game?

Would you excuse us?

Oh, sure.

What are you doing?

I am going to teach your uncle a lesson.

Then you'll know the better man.

There's a three-year waiting list to

get into this club.

Warren applied and within 48 hours

was admitted.

I think that's a powerful man.

You are not in his league.

Charlie verducci is in a league

all by himself.

Only because no one else

will bowl with you.

So, Mr. Manicure...

How about a game of nine-ball

for a mere $100?

Rack 'em up, Sherry.

I'm not sure I'm doing this right.

You can keep trying as long as you want.

Now, let's see if I remember

how to do this.

I know we just met,

and I don't consider myself

a John Juan,

but I think you're, uh, nice,

and I was wondering if you'd go with me

to the Madonna party tonight?

I can't tell you what a pleasure it would be.

Go ahead, try.

Hey, now!

Come back here, gidget!

Why'd you run out on me?

Run out on you?

I was going to work.

Emmet, why'd you let her in here?

She threatened to put gum in my hair.

I just conditioned it.

You could have ruined my coif,

little missy.

I'm waiting for an explanation.

Ok, here's an explanation.

You're 16 years old...

And she's not.

I don't want an explanation from you.

I want it from her.

What's he like?

Is he as wonderful as I dared to dream?

So far, we walked to the barstool

and sat down.

He walked with you?

He talked with you?

He sat with you?

You're so lucky.

Don't listen. Just ignore her, Ramona.

She says she loves me, but it's just inflatuation.

She's so sweet, she has a crush on you.

Are you coming to the party?

I wasn't invited.

I'm inviting you. Let's talk about it.

Sure, but not here.

Let's go talk in private.

What are they playing for now?

100? 200?

This shot is for $10,000.

Well...

Guess I scratched.

Looks like I owe you $10,000.

$10,000? You know how much that is?

I'd give a million for $10,000.

If you marry rich, let me handle the books.

Pop, I've known you almost my whole life,

and I've never seen you miss an easy shot

like that...

Unless you were trying to hustle somebody.

What, did you forget your megaphone?

Why don't you go Bob for nieces?

Uh, Charlie...

You owe one of our members $10,000,

which you cannot possibly pay.

I ain't doing this for the money.

It's to impress you.

Some women can't see the forest for the trees.

No, but I know a sap when I see one.

Ooh.

You are hot, Warren.

Hey, are you trying to

hustle me?

I feel bad, you losing

all this money.

I'd like to give you a chance to go

double or nothing,

but you might lose more money.

Hey, 20 grand is the same as

20 bucks to me.

Yeah, we ain't got either one.

You excuse us one moment?

Sure.

It's nice that someone like Warren

spends time with his nieces.

I bet he's got nice apartments

and jewelry for them.

You know what they say...

It's better to give than to conceive.

Never.

Godfather, I need your help.

What did he say?

He said, "godfather, I need your help."

You really think he's the godfather?

When did you last kneel and kiss

your dentist's hand?

I got it!

Just pay him the 10 grand,

and we'll be fine.

Ok. Should I sell the Picasso

or maybe just dump the yacht?

Oh, no, pop, don't sell the yacht.

I love yachts.

My little ship of fools,

don't you understand? This...

Now, where were we?

He and I were just discussing the fact

that it was such a crime

that dances with wolves won the academy award

when godfather III was a far superior film.

Yeah, far superior.

Much better.

Better popcorn, too.

Ah, I know where we were.

We were playing double or nothing

for $10,000.

It's your break, Charlie.

Sherry...

If I die, I want to come back

as her baby.

Ok, pop, don't worry about a thing.

You going to beat this guy,

and we're going to walk out scotch free.

Pop...

Did I ever tell you that I love you?

It's going to be hard to make this shot

with you draped over me.

I wouldn't want to get in the way of a bullet.

Could you excuse us for a minute?

We have to go... I mean, we'll be

right... but don't...

You see, because we...

We'll be right back.

Did I tell you I'm Italian?

I wasn't done yet.

I'm dead.

Charlie verducci's dead.

I haven't even made my will.

I have nothing to leave you.

Pop, you're scaring me.

I'm scaring you? I'm spelling help

in my underwear.

I got it!

We need a miracle!

Maybe Moses will show up,

part the urinals,

and we'll walk to freedom.

[Knock on door]

Moses, is that you?

Oh...

Verducci...

You broke a vase.

You broke a plate.

In the aquarium, there's a blowfish

mating with a cue ball.

I never saw that on Jacques cousteau.

This wouldn't have happened

if you didn't get me jealous

with your godfather boyfriend.

He's not my boyfriend. He's... the what?

What makes you think he's the godfather?

This guy kissed his hand and said,

"godfather, I need your help."

For proof, I'll ask Jimmy hoffa

when I join him in half an hour.

That should be interesting,

'cause most people thought he was murdered.

That explains why Warren got into this club

in 48 hours.

No one's going to strong-arm

any friend of mine.

I'll get him voted out.

Sounds fair. I take

a dirt nap,

but he can't go to the spring

cotillion.

Uh, it seems there's been a grave

misunderstanding.

Did I say grave?

No. I distinctly heard grape.

Yes. I said grape.

He didn't say hit or cement

or "hang from a meat hook."

It's against club policy

to gamble.

When we say, "I'll play you

for $10,000,"

it's symbolically

$10,000.

Yes!

It's symbolic.

Like a flag is a symbol. It's nothing.

A symbol...

Verducci.

Verducci!

You owe me $10,000.

You can get that from your bank, right?

Yeah, if he wears a mask and a gun.

No problem. How many zeros

in that?

Pop, are you crazy?

There's a $5.00 service charge

for bounced checks.

Oh, drat. We're out of luck.

My pen's broken. I'll get you on Tuesday.

Verducci.

I'm not leaving until I get that check.

Oh, my god, he's going for his gun!

All right. Take it out nice and slow.

Hey, it's one of those gun pens.

I think it's a .357 bic.

Oh, god, father, what are they

doing to you?

Hey, leave my father alone.

Wait a minute.

He's your father father?

Of course.

These are your nieces nieces?

Yes. Yes.

You're not the godfather?

No. I'm Warren pardo.

Pardo pants.

You can have your gun pen back.

Be careful. I think it might be loaded.

I guess...

That means we're still playing for $10,000.

Yeah.

Excuse me, sir.

Way to go, pop!

So, Warren...

I guess that's the last shot

to get me even.

Want to put another 10,000 on it?

It's deceptive. It's really

a tough shot.

Verducci, you've been hustling me

the entire time.

I don't have to watch this.

Suit yourself.

Did I ever tell you about the time

Sean penn took a poke at me?

Vinnie, I got a couple of Madonnas here.

Hi, I'm Madonna from material girl.

And I'm Madonna from blonde ambition.

And I'm the happiest guy in the world.

Be careful, honey.

You could poke somebody's eye out

with them things.

You were awesome when you still thought

he was the godfather.

Weren't you just a little afraid?

I thought I saw it in your eyes,

but sweat blurred it out.

Son, that was the cold sweat

of confidence.

I guess fear's like algebra...

Something us verduccis just don't understand.

Captioning performed by the national captioning

institute, inc.

Public performance of captions prohibited without permission of

national captioning institute

captions copyright 1991 elp communications