Original subtitles

♪ If you're blue ♪

♪ and you don't know where to go to ♪

♪ why don't you go ♪

♪ where fashion sits ♪

♪ puttin' on the ritz ♪

♪ different types who wear a big coat ♪

♪ pants with stripes ♪

♪ or cutaway coats ♪

♪ perfect fit ♪

♪ puttin' on the ritz ♪

♪ dressed up like a million-dollar trouper ♪

♪ tryin' hard to look like Gary Cooper ♪

♪ any way you can do it ♪

♪ come on, let's mix ♪

♪ where rockefellers walk with sticks ♪

♪ or umbrellas ♪

♪ in their mitts ♪

♪ puttin' on the ritz ♪♪♪

Captioning made possible by Columbia pictures television,

fox broadcasting company,

and 1991 nci caption club/ grantsmanship

wish my pop would get the boiler fixed.

I'm freezing.

You know, Vinnie,

eskimos keep warm by rubbing their noses.

Boy, those eskimos don't know nothing.

Ok, Vinnie, let's work on your

vocabulary course.

Pop says I should study vocabulary

to meet rich people,

but why bother?

I use words in almost every sentence I say.

Here's an interesting one...

Sensuous.

Hmm.

It means sexy...

Lustful, erotic...

Desirous.

It means Mona.

Vinnie, I want you more than ever.

Don't you want me? Don't you think

I'm sexy?

Mona, it ain't right. You're 16.

If I think you're sexy, I could end up in jail.

Then some guys in there might think I'm sexy.

Ugh! Ugh!

Quick, take off your clothes.

Bless you, Mr. Verducci.

That's it, Mona. Stop at the coat.

Stay away... you know where you'll end up.

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

What are you doing? It's freezing.

I know that, you know that,

but the tenants don't, so don't let on.

Lupe, you're looking younger than...

Than last week's spaghetti sauce.

Verducci, you better fix that boiler.

We've got a few other complaints, too.

Yeah! Yeah!

Thank you.

Is it me, or is lupe looking foxy today?

Pop, she's a nice woman,

but how long has it been?

Put it this way... Last night I dreamed

Mr. Fluffy was wearing a black lace nightie.

Pop, didn't the building owner

give you money to fix the boiler?

I used it for your self-improvement course.

I got a plan to take care of the cold.

It's called August.

I got a plan to take care of our future.

It's called parking attendant job.

My interview's today.

Ooh, Vinnie, I can just see you now

wearing that short red jacket

and a tight pair of speedos.

Hey, parking attendants don't wear speedos.

You would if you were parking with me.

Mona, go home.

Vinnie, the verducci master plan

calls for you to marry rich,

not shuffle chevys.

If you're going to mingle

with rich people,

you got to smooth out

your rough edges.

I like his edges rough.

You better study...

And I don't mean Mona.

Now, excuse me.

I got angry tenants waiting to talk to me.

You know, I don't ignore them.

I avoid them.

Maybe being a parking attendant

isn't the world's greatest job,

but my pop needs money,

and you know what they say...

"When the going gets tough,

"the tough have to be or not to be.

That is the question."

1, 2,

1, 2,

1, 2...

1, 2, 1, 2...

Let's go, girls! Shake your cellulite!

Carlo, I think I'm getting a leg cramp.

Hey, cutie.

How about a leg rub?

Ok, but make it quick. I got a job interview.

I meant my leg.

Let's start with the calf and

see where it leads.

Wow! Hey! Ooh!

He's cute. Does that young man

work here?

Not yet, but he will in five minutes.

Oh. Excuse me.

Ok, girls, disperse!

Time out!

Phoebe, your husband's

on the way.

Hi. I'm the manager of rolling hills

country club...

Alixandra stone, but call me alix.

Anyone who puts their leg on my shoulder,

I'd prefer to call alixandra.

I'm Vinnie verducci, here for the parking

attendant job.

There are millions of parking attendants,

but it's Carlo's last day.

I'm looking for someone to fill his shoes.

With what?

You.

Those women really liked you a lot.

Listen, I need an assistant,

someone really charming like you

who can take the ladies

off my hands.

Dealing with rich people makes me uncomfortable.

I'm more at ease dealing with the average John dope.

Why don't you just try the job

for one evening?

Tonight we're having a fifties party.

It's going to be fun.

Say what they want to hear,

and they'll do anything you want.

People see through that in a second.

Oh, come on, Vinnie.

I'm sure that an intelligent,

articulate,

handsome,

sophisticated young man like yourself

could handle one itsy-bitsy

little day here.

Yeah. I guess I can.

Sure. Ok, let's get started.

Follow me.

Hey, did you trick me?

No.

Ok. Just checking.

Here you go.

What's this?

Your rolls.

You asked me to bring your rolls around.

No. A Rolls-Royce. A car.

It's a good thing you don't drive

a Jaguar.

I'll have them get it for you.

You drive careful, Mr. Clayton.

Hey, Mr. Fields. Good day to you.

Hi there, Mr. Takamaki. New contacts?

Hey now!

B-b-b-behind the line.

Excuse me?

No. Excuse me, my friend.

Behind the line.

Where do you think you're going, pally?

I'm here to see...

Wait a minute. I'll say who's here

to see who.

What's your name?

Charles verducci.

Spell it.

V-e-r-d-u-c-c-i.

My son put me on the list.

What's his name?

Verducci.

Spell it.

All right, head on in, stretch.

Remember, I'm here to protect this place.

That's good to know.

I'll call you if we're attacked

by munchkins.

[Sniffs]

I smell money.

Mr. Gilbert, how was your wife's trip

to Bermuda?

Awful. She came back.

Oh.

May I help you?

Haven't we met before?

Ah, I know. It was in cannes, right?

I was with Bobby de niro.

No. I've never been to cannes,

but could it have been that

cruise to Aruba?

Yes! The cruise to Aruba!

I was with gopher.

Uh-huh.

Hey, we had some time, didn't we?

What am I saying?

I've never been on a cruise,

but I do think I know who you are.

Oh, really?

You're the kind of guy

I've always been attracted to.

Oh, really?

You're the kind of guy

I always fall head over heels

in love with.

Oh, really?

Really.

You know how long it's been for me?

No, I don't,

but if you're counting on me,

it's going to be a long time.

Listen, pal, you are my worst nightmare.

You are every mistake I have ever made.

You light up my life

and burn it to the ground.

Do I know you?

No, but I know you. I know you too well.

Oh, yeah? Prove it.

You spend days at the track,

nights at the pool hall,

and every other Tuesday at the unemployment

office.

Lucky guess.

Wait a minute. You don't know

about that cat in the black lace

nightie, do you?

No, but I'm not surprised.

I tell you what... we just go out

and have a nice, quiet evening together.

No, really, no pressure,

just a little candlelight,

a little small talk, and a little dinner.

No pressure.

No pressure.

No pressure. Cook whatever you want.

Cook?

Me?

Of course.

You're the woman.

Where are you going?

I'll bring the six-pack.

Must've gone with some real jerks.

Poor kid.

I know you're mad I'm working here.

If you want me to quit...

Vinnie, it takes a big man to admit

when he's wrong.

Ok, I was wrong to take the job.

I'm the big man.

I was wrong to say not to take it.

I've wanted you to work in the lap of luxury,

and you're right in the crotch.

I know you have these plans for me

marrying rich,

but I don't fit in here.

I'm out of my ointment.

Vinnie, you're in your ointment, believe me.

Besides, you're a verducci, aren't you?

Yeah.

Isn't a verducci as good as anybody

and as smart as anybody?

Yeah. You're right, pop.

I may not be an Alan Einstein,

but I can do it.

Fire!

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

That's it. I'm out of here.

Vinnie, come back!

It was just a little accident!

Vinnie, you really flooded their flambe!

I'm just as happy not working at

that country club.

I don't need rich people

looking up their noses at me.

I'm glad you quit, too, Vinnie.

It was putting a strain on our relationship.

I only worked four hours,

and, hey, hey, we don't have

a relationship.

Well, I'm willing to give it my all.

Vinnie, Vinnie, I'm disappointed in you.

You finally get a good job, and you walk out.

Son, I've taught you a sense of responsibility

toward your work.

Where's our heat, you bum?

Lupe, you'll get your heat when I'm damn ready!

I don't know what I ever saw in that woman.

Mona, excuse us.

Vinnie and I have to have a father/son chat.

Oh, you haven't had that talk yet.

No wonder I'm having such a hard time.

Vinnie, take notes.

I'll see you later.

Vinnie, Vinnie, you have to go back

to that job.

I can't, pop. They all laughed

at me.

So what? They all laughed at Columbus, too.

Maybe that's why he's not

working there now.

Vinnie, please... you can't quit.

Not this particular job.

There's this, uh...

This, uh, this woman.

Alixandra, she's, uh, very special.

I didn't know you could still

get the hots.

What? I get just as hot as you get.

Just takes me a little longer

to heat up,

but when I do...

Ba-boom! Ba-boom!

See, the point is, son,

this woman's got me feeling things

I ain't felt in a long time.

My heart is racing, my palms are sweaty.

I got butterflies in my stomach.

Are you getting a burning sensation

when you urinate?

I was watching Dr. Art ulene...

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Vinnie, I'm pouring my heart out here.

Why are we talking bodily fluids?

Ok, pop. I'm sorry, ok?

Ok, let's say

this thing with alixandra works out,

all right?

Ok.

There's no guarantee it'll last.

You could get hurt real bad.

Would it be worth all that pain

for a few months of great sex?

Off to work I go.

Ba-boom! Ba-boom!

Hey, hey, it's water boy.

Whoa, hey, smokey the bear.

I'm putting out my cigarette.

I guess I looked pretty stupid

throwing that water around.

No, no.

See you.

Not as stupid as you guys look

with those 49 cent Elvis wigs.

Hey, I'm glad you're back.

Wow. It must have taken you hours

to put that fifties outfit together.

Oh, yeah, hours.

Excuse me, miss stone.

Pardon me for interrupting. I hate interrupting.

There's nothing ruder than interrupting...

Emmett, what is it?

I was not finished.

Would you like to go back

to supervising day care?

No, please, not those terrible tykes.

There's somebody here to see Vinnie.

Says he's a pro golfer friend of his.

I'll take care of it.

You know, these really are

Elvis' sideburns.

Really?

Yeah, a friend of mine

knew Elvis' barber.

He swept them up after Elvis got

a haircut.

I had them painstakingly

reassembled.

No.

Like to see the king's armpits?

No, thank you. No.

At ease, little mister.

Don't try no funny business,

or I'll shine my flashlight

right in your eyes.

Bud.

Shh! It's not bud, it's Arnold.

Arnold Bundy.

As far as Lynette's concerned,

I'm the top moneymaker on tour.

Come on. You think anybody's

stupid enough

to believe that?

Hey, by the way,

what's Jack nicklaus really like?

No wonder my sister likes you so much.

When she told me you worked down here,

I decided I'd bring Lynette

and play a round.

But it's too dark for golf.

I know. I just want to play around.

Come, Lynette.

Let me show you my putter.

Now remember... Keep your head down

and your eye on the ball.

Come on, Fred.

Get in a fifties mood. Let's dance.

Listen, we met in the fifties,

we danced in the fifties,

now I'm in my fifties. I'm done dancing.

We have to do something to get their attention.

I'm over the limit on my mastercard. Any ideas?

Vinnie, how's my attire?

Pop, you don't got a tire.

Your butt's sagging a little,

but you got no tire.

Excuse me.

Vincent, this dance is ladies' choice.

Is Mr. Epstein cool?

He's frozen.

[Great balls of fire plays]

I'm sorry I talked you into this god-awful job.

That's ok. I forgive you.

Amazing.

Isn't it?

Oh, hi.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way,

but, um, if good looks were illegal,

you'd be in jail for life.

That didn't get to me when I was 16.

How could you still remember?

It's got to be 10 years since you were 16.

You're still coming, aren't you?

It's a gift.

I'm going to kill that verducci kid.

He's not making me a fool.

Vinnie!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

These guy are talking about you.

Yeah? I'm getting pretty popular here.

No, Vinnie...

Work, work.

I say we get him, and now!

Yeah, yeah.

That's right!

Do you see the way that punk is carrying on?

I say we take care of him.

Do we care he's a professional boxer?

No. No.

Do we care that he's maimed so many men,

he can't fight in Illinois?

Uh... well...

So what if he called Mike Tyson a sissy

and got away with it.

Ooh... huh...

Now who's with me?

The game's back on.

Oh, yeah. Good game here.

Rich guys.

[La bamba plays]

Captioning performed by the national captioning

institute, inc.

Public performance of captions prohibited without permission of

national captioning institute

captions copyright 1991 elp communications