All language subtitles for The.X-Files.S07E19.Hollywood.A.D.VF

- [Gunfire]
- [Grunts]

- [Groans]
- [Man] Give it up, Mulder!

- You've got no chance!
- Damn it.

My sniper zombies
are everywhere.

[Grunting]

I'll offer you a deal.

You give me the Lazarus Bowl,
and I'll give you Scully.

Mulder!

How 'bout this deal?

You give me Scully, I don't smash
the Lazarus Bowl and shove the pieces...

where the Son of God don't shine,
you cigarette-smoking mackerel snapper.

I break the Lazarus Bowl,
and all your sniper zombies...

go back to being good
little well-behaved corpses.

[Grunting]

You don't fool me, Mulder.
That bowl is your Holy Grail.

Encoded in its ancient ceramic grooves
are the words Jesus spake...

when he raised Lazarus
from the dead.

Still capable of raising
the dead 2,000 years later.

Proof positive
of the paranormal.

You can no sooner destroy that
than let the redhead die.

Come on, man.
Don't break the bowl.

We don't wanna go back
to being dead.

There's no food, no women,
no dancing. Save the bowl,

and we'll dump that
ciggy-smoking stooge for you.

And you'll be the new king
of the dead.

I'd rather serve in heaven
than rule in hell.

[Both Grunting]

[Both Panting]

Is that your flashlight, Mulder, or are
you just happy to be lying on top of me?

- [Scattered Laughter]
- My flashlight.

- [Panting]

- [Moans]
- Oh, that.

[Laughter]

For seven long years I've been waiting
for just the right moment, Scully.

Oh, you're a sick man, Mulder.

Go on.

I love you, Scully.
No ifs, ands or...

"Bs."

[Groans]

[Kissing Continues]

Yesterday a small pipe bomb
ripped through the crypt of
Christ's Church here in D.C.

There were no casualties, no thefts,
no note making any demand.

- Who's taking credit for it?
- Nobody.

She: Jodie Foster's foster child
on a Payless budget.

He's like a Jehovah's Witness
meets Harrison Ford's Witness.

Uh, Christ's Church.
Isn't that Cardinal O'Fallon's church?

Yes, O'Fallon's residence
is adjacent to the crypt.

- Who's Cardinal O'Fallon?
- Cardinal "O'Fallen" perhaps.

Um, he's one of the most powerful men
in the Church today.

His name often comes up as a possibility
for the first American pope.

- [Cell Phone Ringing]
- Oh.

I don't wanna be myopic,
but this looks like a straight-up
terrorist act for the A.T.F.

- "Myopic."
- [Cell Phone Ringing]

Yes, it does.

- [Ringing Continues]
- Are you gonna answer your phone?

- Me?
- Yeah.

I didn't wanna be rude.

- Sir, who the hell is this guy?
- Hello.

This is Wayne Federman. He's
an old buddy of mine from college.

He's a writer out in Hollywood now and
he's working on a F.B.I. -based movie.

- He's asked me to give him access.
- A screenwriter?

It's actually writer/producer.

That's actually just
a hindrance/pain in the neck.

Yo, yo, yo. Agent Mulder,
I don't wanna eat your lunch.

I'm just here for some
procedural flavor. Just a taste.

I have no idea
what you just said.

Well, the Skin man's filled
me in on your particular bent.

He said that you come at things maybe a
little farkatke, a little Star Trekkie,

which is the exact vibe I'm looking
for for this thing I'm doing.

It's a Silence of the Lambs meets
Greatest Story Ever Told type thing.

It's... beautiful and
I will not be in your way.

I'll be strictly Heisenbergian.

A hologram.

Agent Mulder, Mr. Federman
will accompany you today
to Christ's Church...

where he will act
as an observer on this case.

You will extend to him
every courtesy and protection
you would a friend of the bureau's.

Agent Scully, I require
your services here for the morning.

[Laughs]

Sir, have I pissed you off...

in a way that's
more than normal?

- Just curious if she's more
than your partner.
- Enough, Wayne.

Hey, whatever.

[Bells Chiming]

Cardinal O'Fallon,
can you think of anyone who might
make an attempt on your life?

The Church always has enemies,
Agent Mulder.

The size of the bomb would
have limited its destruction
to just the crypt itself.

- Is there anything down
there worth targeting?
- Not really.

Just some old bones,
artifacts, relics,

documents that we store
down there in the cold.

I like to think of it
as God's refrigerator.

- That's a great line.
- Thank you.

- God's refrigerator.
- Wayne, shut up.

[O'Fallon]
No treasures to the outside world.

Things of negligible
monetary value,

but great spiritual value
to the Church...

ancient devotional texts,

medieval relics.

How 'bout the Shroud ofTurin?

No, I'm afraid not.

But we do have
the bathrobe of St. Peter.

- You're kidding?
- Yes, I am.

- That's a good line.
- Thank you.

Wayne, shut up.

Who comes down
to the crypt here?

Only myself.

A half a mile of catacombs here.

I like to walk here
during lunch.

That's where the bomb went off.

Well, my instinct, Cardinal,

is to see this desecration
of the dead less as a murder attempt...

and more as a terrorist act.

- [Cell Phone Ringing]
- A message...

- Uh, this isn't me. I think it's you.
- [Ringing Continues]

Excuse me.

That's, uh...
That's not me.

Let me check.

Not me.

We never get reception here.

[Ringing Continues]

[Ringing Continues]

Would that be St. Jude's
cell phone, Cardinal?

No.

That's Micah Hoffman.

[Ringing Stops]

Micah Hoffman, Willie Mays
and Frank Serpico.

That's my holy trinity, Scully.

Of course I'm too young
to remember, but...

wasn't he some kind of
a '60s campus radical like
a Jerry Rubin or a Mario Savio?

Name a '60s counterculture
movement and Micah Hoffman
was at or near the center of it.

He was one of the original Weathermen.
He was the first Yippie.

He was a better poet
than Ginsberg.

And he was also the starting shortstop
for his Columbia baseball team.

- Then in the '70s,
didn't he go real low profile?
- Right after Altamont.

- He was never heard from again.
- The Stones get blamed for everything.

- I don't get it.
- This should be it here.

What did Skinner want
you for this morning?

Just paperwork.

Mm-hmm.

- Mulder, we should have a warrant.
- It's only the Constitution.

No big deal.

- Wow.
- "Dis-Feng-Shui."

Mulder, sorry to denigrate
a third of your trinity,

but it looks like Hoffman
was killed by one of his own bombs.

Well, from Dharma Bum
to Dharma Bomb.

[Mulder]
I knew Hoffman was a master potter.

Well, it appears he was
a master calligrapher as well.

Look, Mulder, we've got gum arabic
and sodium hydroxide here.

Whew! These would
be used to, uh...

to age the ink and the paper
prematurely.

It's a forger's trick.

Well, from counterculture
to counterfeiter.

All right, one more pun
and I pull out my gun.

Scully, look at that.
"Cristos."

Looks like a religious text.
Can you read Greek at all?

Well, it's pretty rusty.

But it looks like
some kind of lost gospel.

A gospel of Mary Magdalene.

And "An Account of Christ's Life
on Earth After the Resurrection."

- After?
- Yeah.

It's a heretical text, Mulder.

Mythical I should say,
but long rumored to be in existence.

What would Micah Hoffman be doing
with heretical religious texts?

I think the question is, what would
Hoffman be doing forging them?

Ay-yi-yi. I think
the real question, Agents,

is what might O'Fallon
be doing with Hoffman's forgeries?

You don't need a Weatherman
to know which way the wind blows.

Don't shoot!

I like the way you guys work...
no warrants, no permission, no research.

You're like studio executives
with guns.

Should I call you Agent Mulder
or Mr. Mulder...

- or do you have a nickname
or something like that?
- Shh, shh!

[Rattling]

Like Skin man?

Just ignore me.

What's that?

Looks like the same Gospel of Mary
Scully I.D. 'd over at Hoffman's place.

So, is this a forgery
or is this the real thing?

Well, there is no real
Gospel of Mary, Federman.

The original would be a fake.

All right. So is this
a real fake or a fake fake?

- [Cell Phone Ringing]
- [Gasps]

It's me.

Yes? Nothing new.
No, I can hear you.

It's just your voice is...

There's like a crackly sound
and then I hear the syllables.

- Stop yelling.
Yelling isn't helping the situation.
- Hmm.

Just talk.
You're breaking up.

No. Let me call you back.
Okay.

Yeah, I'm telling you.
I'm going through a crypt.

- [Gasps]

Wow.

Oh, my God.

[Scully] Now, Wayne,
I'm sure that it was dark in there...

and that your eyes
were playing tricks on you.

And you've been influenced
by ghost stories and horror movies...

that take place in crypts
and graveyards.

And you hallucinated this vision
of these dancing bones...

trying to reconstruct this bowl.

No, I didn't hallucinate.

That was mechanical or C.G.I.

Federman, that wasn't a movie.
That was real life.

The difference being?

Well, I have got
my flavor here.

- So, I appreciate all your help.
I've got a movie to write.
- You're leaving?

- You don't wanna get
to the bottom of this?
- Not especially.

Well, you know, sometimes truth
can be stranger than fiction.

Well, fiction is quicker
than truth and cheaper.

You want my advice?
You're both crazy.

Why do you say that?

Well, you're crazy for believing
what you believe and...

you're crazy for not believing
what he believes.

I'll leave you with that.
Thank you.

I miss him already.

You know, Mulder,
I know that Federman's B.S. Ing you.

So I'm really hesitant
to mention this.

But, um, his story reminds
me of the Lazarus Bowl.

The Lazarus Bowl?

We had this wacky nun in
Catholic school... Sister Callahan.

We used to call her Sr. Spooky
'cause she would tell us
scary stories all the time.

Twisted Sister.
That's my kind of nun, you know.

Well, she would hold up an old piece
of wood with a rusty nail in it.

And she would say,
"This is an actual piece of
the cross Christ's wrist was nailed to."

Or she'd show us a vial
of red liquid...

and say that it was
john the Baptist's blood or something.

She'd be in prison today.
You realize that?

Well, she would tell this story of when
jesus raised Lazarus from the dead.

And she said that there
was this old woman who was
Lazarus's aunt or something,

- Lazarus's aunt?
- Who was spinning a clay bowl
on a wheel nearby.

And that Christ's words, the
actual incantation to raise the dead,

were recorded in the clay grooves
of the pottery...

just like the way music
is recorded into vinyl.

You see? It's just not true you can't
get good science at Catholic school.
It's a lie.

Well, Sr. Spooky...

says that these words
in the clay...

still have the power to raise the dead
just likeJesus raised Lazarus.

That is a very cool story
coming from you, Scully.

I'll have Chuck Burks
meet you over at my office.

See if this clay has
Christ's greatest hits on it.

And I'm gonna... I'm gonna go have
another audience with Cardinal O'Fallon.

[Machine Humming]

There's music in the air,
Agent Scully.

See, everything that exists vibrates,
and therefore sings...

the street,
your internal organs,

electricity, everything.

Here, I'll show you.
You see?

This is my voice bouncing around
in the red here.

And all this yellow is ambient sound
that we habitually tune out.

It's the hum of my hardware,

Mulder's porn tapes on pause,
sounds from the street.

Everything we hear
but we don't know we hear...

I can hear it
with this machine.

Oh.

What is it?

Who made this?

We're not sure.

Either a forger by the name
of Micah Hoffman...

or, uh, someone else in the vicinity
ofJesus Christ.

"Buzzinga."

Whoever did it is some kind
of a musical genius.

This clay is vibrating in all
the keys at once. It's heavenly.

[Mulder] Can you translate
what it says there for me, please?

Did you recover them
from the crypt?

Yes.

"And then Jesus took his beloved
Mary Magdalene in an embrace.

"An embrace not of God and woman,
but of man and woman.

"And Jesus said to Mary,
'Love the body...

"'for it is all of the soul...

that our senses can perceive."'

And how about these?

These appear to be copies
of the original.

- Rough drafts.
- How?

They're all forgeries, sir.

Did you buy these
from Micah Hoffman?

I thought they were real.

Yeah, I can understand that.
Hoffman was a master.

My partner had them analyzed,
and they're indistinguishable
from the real thing.

The paper is authentic, the ink,
the hand, the diction, everything.

Hoffman was also
an explosives expert.

Do you have any idea what he might have
been doing with a bomb in the crypt?

Can you think of anybody who might have
wanted to kill Micah Hoffman?

No.

Why were you hiding
the documents, sir?

When Micah came to me...
with these,

as I then thought
ancient texts,

and our experts
verified them,

it exploded a bomb
in my heart.

The Christ that I loved
was not the Christ in these texts.

So you bought them
in order to hide them.

To keep others from
feeling the despair...

and the anger that I felt.

To protect people from what I can
now see they needed no protection from.

Why didn't you just
destroy the documents yourself?

I thought they were real.

I hated them.
I despised them.

I would have liked to destroy them,
but I couldn't.

Is being made a fool of
a crime, Agent Mulder?

I'd be doing life
if it were, sir.

- [Ringing]
- Scully.

[Mulder]
Hey, Scully, it's me. Can you horn in
on the Hoffman autopsy for me?

- Why?
- I got a feeling Hoffman
was dead before he died.

He was blackmailing O'Fallon with those
forgeries. Maybe O'Fallon retaliated.

Mulder, this bowl...

Your buddy Chuck Burks says that it has
properties he's never seen before.

- [Line Beeps]
- Hold on a second. That's my other line.

- Mulder.
- [Federman] Agent Mulder?

It's Wayne/Federman out in L.A.

- I can't talk about the case.
- That's all right.
Skin man's keeping me in the loop.

Listen. Who do you see
playing you in the movie?

- I'm in the movie?
- It's a character loosely based on you.

- It's more of an amalgamation.
- Hold on a second, Wayne.

- Sr. Spooky, I gotta take this.
- I'll call you after the autopsy.

Thanks.

- How 'bout Richard Gere?
- [Laughing Hysterically]

Yeah, okay.
Seriously.

What if I said to you
the name Garry Shandling?

Wayne, you're breaking up. It sounded
like you said Garry Shandling.

Garry Shandling signed on to play
the amalgamation loosely based on you.

And Tea Leoni's playing the amalgamation
loosely based on your partner.

You stud.
The movie's called The Lazarus Bowl.

- How do you know about the Lazarus Bowl?
- The Skin man.

Listen, Shandling and Leoni
wanna meet you guys.

Get your flavor.
It's an actor type thing.

Come on out to the studio on our dime.
We'll make it nice.

Hey, who's... Well, then who's
gonna play Skinner in the movie?

- Richard Gere.
- [Stammering]

Fracturing of skull
and surface abrasions...

initially consistent
with concussive force injuries.

I am, uh, now weighing the heart
which is... relatively normal,

although somewhat large.

- I'm gonna need that
when you're done with it.
- [Gasps]

Oh, my God!

Hoo-yeah!

- Who are you?
- I am who I am.

Uh-uh.
[Speaking Latin]

Ow! Damn it!

What'd you find, Scully?

In Micah Hoffman's stomach there were
traces of red wine and strychnine.

Man, oh, Manischewitz.
Communion wine I bet.

I bet O'Fallon poisoned Hoffman,
then placed his body near the
explosion to cover his tracks.

That's possible, Mulder.

I could get a warrant
for O'Fallon.

[O'Fallon]
You are the one God, living and true.

Through all eternity
you live an unapproachable life.

Mulder, let's allow
the man some dignity, okay?

You fill your creatures
with every blessing...

and lead all men
to the joyful vision of your life.

In our joy, we sing to your glory
with all the choirs of angels.

Holy, holy, holy Lord.

God of power and might.

Heaven and earth are full
of your glory.

Hosanna in the highest.

Blessed is he who comes
in the name of the Lord.

Hosanna in the highest.

[Speaks Latin]

LordJesus Christ,
you said to your apostles,

"I leave you in peace.
My peace I give you."

Let's get this over with.

And grant us the peace
and unity of your kingdom. Amen.

Augustine O'Fallon, you're under arrest
for the murder of Micah Hoffman.

- You have the right to remain silent.
- Oh, my God.

- Anything you say can and will
be used against you in...
- Mulder.

Do you see what I see?

Yes, I do.

- [Scully] Is that Micah Hoffman?
- [O'Fallon] Yes, it is.

Misidentification of a corpse
and subsequent unrequested autopsy.

Sir, the dead man looked
very much like Micah Hoffman.

He had Hoffman's I.D. On him.

Agent Scully, if I'm carrying
Marilyn Monroe's purse,

do you assume that
I slept with J.F.K.?

Agent Mulder, the F.B.I.
Has always prided itself with
the speedy expedition of cases.

But this is the first time, and I hope
you're as proud of this as I am,

that we've ever attempted
to pursue a murder case where
the victim was still alive!

A bomb went off.
A crime's been committed.

There's a dead body
nobody seems to give a damn about.

O'Fallon's been less
than forthcoming.

And Hoffman at the very least
is guilty of forgery and extortion.

Agent Mulder, you will
leave O'Fallon alone.

You will leave Hoffman alone!
Agent Scully, you'll put your
trigger-happy scalpel away!

Best case scenario,
you get to keep your jobs.

Worst case, O'Fallon and
the Church bring a huge embarrassing
lawsuit against the bureau...

which will feature you two
as the sacrificial lambs!

As of right now,

I'm forcing you to take
a four-week leave, effective
immediately pending review.

I think this whole Richard Gere thing
is going to Skinner's head.

- We're off this case, Mulder.
- [Burks] Compadres.

I teased out something very fabulous
from your pottery there.

- Layered in under the ambience...
- [Voice Speaking]

There.
Guess what language that is.

- Chuck, I've had a bad day.
- It's a dead language.

I had a linguist in here to listen
to the recording. It's Aramaic.

That's the language that
Christ spoke.

Did your, uh, linguist
happen to translate it?

Yes, he did.
It's in two parts.

The first part, here,
roughly translates as,

"I am the walrus. I am the walrus.
Paul is dead. Goo goo g'joob."

Although there is
no Aramaic word for walrus.

So it literally says,
"I am the bearded cow-like sea beast."

- What's the second part?
- The second part's
a little freakier. Here.

- What is it?
- It appears to be one man...

commanding another
to rise from the dead.

[Voice Continues]

Lazarus?

I am becomeJesus Christ.

I am become skeptical.

There I was totally bumming
after Altamont.

And I thought, throw in the towel
and go to law school...

or continue to fight and become a forger
of scandalous religious documents.

I suppose that's a choice every young,
gifted, American male is faced with.

I knew O'Fallon from college.

- He was a divinity professor of mine.
- At Columbia?

Yeah. And he is a decent man,
but with an overweening pride...

and sense of responsibility
born of a fundamental...

lack of respect
for the human animal.

He believes in God,
but not in man...

and man's ability to choose
to live in freedom.

He has Christ in his brain,
but not in his heart.

[Scoffs]
So, uh,

you created a Christ...

in these forgeries that was more suited
to your particular world view?

Yeah, but before I could write
like Christ, I had to become him,

in much the same way I imagine an actor
who plays a part becomes that part.

So I immersed myself
in Jesus Christ.

Not just the Church
and teachings,

but the man,
the custom of his time,

the language, the vibe,
the feeling of Christ.

So why didn't O'Fallon
and the elders...

go outside the Church
for authentification?

Because the forgeries
are too damning of the Church.
They couldn't risk the exposure.

But then...

something truly weird
came over me.

Remorse?

Conversion, Agent Scully.

The lightning bolt...

that transformed Saul to Paul
on the road to Damascus.

One day, I was not just
impersonating Jesus Christ,

I had become him.

That's why I blew up the crypt.

The forgeries were blasphemous
and needed to be destroyed.

How did your...

cell phone get on
the dead man in the crypt?

God works in mysterious ways.

God works in mysterious ways.

[Speaking Along With TV]
Well, as long as they can think,
we'll have our problems.

But those whom they are
using cannot think.

They are the dead brought to assimilate
life by our electrode attempts.

- [Knocking]
- It's open!

You know, it's an interesting thing
when you consider...

you Earth people
who can think...

are so frightened
by those who cannot... the dead.

Couldn't sleep either, huh?

- Plan 9 from Outer Space?
- Yeah.

It's the Ed Wood
investigative method.

This movie is so profoundly bad
in such a childlike way...

that it hypnotizes
my conscious critical mind...

and frees up my right brain
to make socio-poetic leaps.

And I started flashing
on Hoffman and O'Fallon.

How there's this
archetypal relationship.

Like Hoffman's Jesus
to O'Fallon's Judas.

Or Hoffman's Jesus to O'Fallon's
Dostoyevsky's grand inquisitor.

Or Hoffman's Jesus
to O'Fallon's St. Paul.

How 'bout Hoffman's Roadrunner
to O'Fallon's Wile E. Coyote?

- Mulder?
- Yeah?

Do you think it's at all possible
that Hoffman is reallyJesus Christ?

Are you making fun of me?

No.

Well, no, I don't.

But crazy people
can be very persuasive.

Well, yes, I know that.

Maybe true faith is really
a form of insanity.

- Are you directing that at me?
- No!

I'm directing it at myself
and at Ed Wood.

Well, you know, even a broken clock
is right 730 times a year.

- How...
- Forty-two.

- You've seen this movie 42 times?
- Yes.

Doesn't that make you sad?

It makes me sad.

- You ever been to Hollywood?
- A couple of times a few years ago.

You're going to be there
in the morning.

Just a few minutes from Hollywood
in the town of San Fernando.

Reports have come in
of saucers flying so low...

You know, Scully, we've got four-weeks
probation vacation and nothing to do.

And Wayne Federman's invited us out
to L.A. To watch his movie being filmed.

And God knows I could use
a little sunshine.

Scully?

[Scully]
California, here we come.

- [Bell Rings]
- [Man] Beep, beep.

Agents?
So glad you could hang.

Come on. I want you to meet the people
that are gonna play you.

- Garry Shandling, Tea Leoni,
this is Agents Mulder and Scully.
- It's a pleasure.

- Nice to meet you. Big fan. Fox Mulder.
- No kidding?

You know, while I've got
you here, maybe, uh...

maybe you could show me
how to run in these things.

Right over here I was thinking
'cause, I tell you...

I mean, I'm having a hell
of a time with these heels.

- Hey, uh...
- Hi.

How are you? Seriously, listen.
Can I ask you something?

- Sure.
- Do you dress to the left
or to the right?

What... What do you mean?

[Clears Throat]

Look, when I play a character,
I need to find his center,

his sort of rudder, so to say.

And then everything
comes from that.

Uh...

I guess mostly to the left.

Mostly?

Most of the time.

Most of the time...
to the left.

Mm-hmm.

Wardrobe!

- [Bell Ringing]
- [Man] Rolling!

And "rollando."

Come on, now. Kick it in the ass.
And action, zombies!

- [Screaming]
- What is this?

- [Director]
Cut. Go ahead, ruin my career.
- What seems to be the problem?

What the hell is this?
What the hell's in my mouth?

What is Tea Leoni's
shoulder made out of?

Craft services, what is
Tea Leoni's shoulder made of?

- Turkey, just like you asked for.
- Turkey.

- Miss Leoni's shoulder's made of turkey.
- Tofu turkey!

Tofurkey!
I asked for Tofurkey!

I'm a vegetarian! Half the zombies
are vegetarians! Oh, my God!

The people are made out of turkey.

- [Mulder] Hello?
- Mulder, it's me. What are you doing?

I'm, uh, working at the computer.
What are you doing?

I'm, uh, packing. Just getting ready
for our trip back to D.C. Tomorrow.

Scully, I was just thinking
about Lazarus, Ed Wood and
those Tofurkey-eatin' zombies.

How come when people
come back from the dead,

they always wanna
hurt the living?

Well, that's because people can't really
come back from the dead, Mulder.

Ghosts and zombies are just projections
of our own repressed...

cannibalistic and sexual fears
and desires.

They are who we fear
that we are at heart.

Just mindless automatons
who can only kill and eat.

Party pooper.
Well, I got a new theory.

I say that when zombies try to eat
people, that's just the first stage.

They've just come back from being dead,
so they're gonna do
all the things they missed.

So first they're gonna eat,
then they're gonna drink.

Then they're gonna dance
and make love.

Oh, I see. So it's just that we never
get to stay with them long enough...

to see the gentler side
of the undead.

- Exactly.
- [Line Beeps]

Hold on a second.
That's my other line. Hello?

Agent Mulder, it's Assistant
Director Skinner. I hope
I didn't catch you at a bad time.

No, sir.
I'm just at the computer.

I wanted to apologize for coming
down so hard on you during
the Hoffman/O'Fallon case.

Oh. I appreciate that, Skin man.

- Don't call me that.
- Yes, sir.

- Um, where are you now?
- I'm right underneath you.

I'm in L.A. At the same hotel as you,
right below you and Agent Scully.

Federman got me an associate producer
credit on the movie.

A.P. Skinner, huh?

Uh, so what are you
up to right now, sir?

I'm taking a bubble bath.

Uh, hold on just one second, sir.

Hey, Scully, Skin man is calling me
from a bubble bath.

It's still me, Mulder.

Uh, sorry. Just-Just hold on
one second, sir.

- Scully?
- Yeah.

Skinner is calling me
from a bubble bath.

Wow. He's really gone Hollywood.

- Totally.
- You know, Mulder,

speaking of Hollywood, I think that
Tea Leoni has a little crush on you.

Oh, yeah, right. Like Tea Leoni's
ever gonna have a crush on me.

I think that Shandling
likes you a bit too.

Really?

I love you, Scully.

- No, ifs, ands or...
- "Bs."

[Leoni]
Wait. Wait, Mulder. I can't.

[Shandling] I know this feels
wrong because we're friends...

and we treat each other
as equals, but...

No. No, it's not that.
It's not that.

Well, what then?

I'm in love with Assistant
Director Walter Skinner.

- That's it, Scully.
I just can't take it anymore.
- Shh, Mulder. Sit down.

- What does he have that I don't have?
- A bigger flashlight.

[Laughter]

I've been looking
all over for you.

They got it so wrong, Scully.

I got a page from
the Washington bureau.

Micah Hoffman
was murdered tonight.

Murdered in his own home
by Cardinal O'Fallon,

who then hanged himself.

A murder/suicide.

It's Jesus and Judas, Scully.

Well, it's all over now.

No, no.

It's just beginning.

Hoffman and O'Fallon
were these complicated,

flawed, beautiful people.

And now they'll just be remembered
as jokes because of this movie.

The character based on O'Fallon
is listed in the credits
as "Cigarette-Smoking Pontiff."

How silly is that?

- Pretty silly.
- And what about us?

How are we gonna be remembered
now because of this movie?

Well, hopefully
the movie will tank.

What about all the dead people
who are forever silent and
can't tell their stories anymore?

They're all gonna have to
rely on Hollywood to show
the future how we lived.

And it'll all become
oversimplified...

and trivialized and
Cigarette-Smoking "Pontificized"...

and become as plastic
and meaningless...

as this stupid plastic
Lazarus Bowl.

I think the dead are beyond caring
what people think about them.

Hopefully we can adopt
the same attitude.

You do know that there aren't
real dead people out there, right?

That this is a movie set?

- [Chuckles]
- The dead are everywhere, Scully.

Well, we're alive.

And we're relatively young.

- And Skinner was so
tickled by the movie...
- I bet he was.

That he has given us
a bureau credit card...

to use for the evening.

Come on.

Mulder, I have something
to confess.

- What's that?
- I'm in love with Associate
Producer Walter Skinner.

[Both Laugh]

Ah, me too.

[Static Humming]

[Child]
I made this!