All language subtitles for 03. Auto Erotic Assimilation.English

ALL:
♪ Love ♪

♪ Connection ♪

♪ Experience ♪

Yeah, Morty.

♪ Come together ♪

♪ With love, connection,
and experience ♪

- It's my favorite song.
- [ laughing ] Oh, yeah.

- [alarm beeps]
- Oh, yeah, distress beacon!

[ Belches ]
Yeah, baby!

You're excited
about that?

The first rule
of space travel, kids,

is always check out
distress beacons.

9 out of 10 times,
it's a ship full of dead aliens

and a bunch of free shit!

- BOTH: Whoa!
- 1 out of 10 times, it's a deadly trap,

but I'm ready
to roll those dice.

♪♪

Seems like something
terrible happened here.

Yep. Cha-ching.

Oh, yeah, if you find
a room full of eggs,

don't shy
away from it.

Give one of
them a shake.

Those facehuggers
are worth more than this ship.

- Uh, what's that?

This'll make the cops
write it up

as a looting
by the Korblocks.

That's horrible.

I hear you, man.
Cops are racist.

Oh, hey. You're alive.
Thank god.

Can you help us?

Our planet was taken over
by some kind of...entity.

It absorbed
the minds of our people.

We didn't notice
until it was too late.

The people it
takes over,

they -- they look
like your friends,

your family,
your leaders,

but they're not
themselves anymore.

They're part of...it.

Then how do you know it didn't
get on the ship with you?

Those two dingdongs seem pretty
calm about the whole thing.

[ Both screech ]

Hey. no!
No. wait! Stop!

[screaming ]

Called it.

[ gurgles ]

[ray gun beeps]

ALL:
Hello, Rick.

Long time no see.

Unity?

- Rick?
- Grandpa?

On, boy. Uh...

these are my grandkids,
Summer and Morty.

Summer, Morty,
this is, uh, Unity.

We sort of used to,
uh...date.

♪♪

♪♪

[dog panting ]

[engine hums in distance]

Quite an operation
you got going here, Une.

You're a whole
planet now, huh?

After we broke up,

I spent some time
wandering through space.

- Then I found this world...
- ...where I was better able

to focus on my passion
for unification.

You mean
stealing people's bodies?

Summer, rude.

Why don't you two kids
go run off and play with Unity

while Unity and I
do some catching up.

Ugh.
No, wait, Rick,

aren't these people gonna barf
into our mouths and absorb us?

You're guests here
on my planet.

You're free
to be yourselves.

I've never been any good
at disappointing Rick.

Well,
now I'm going to barf.

Come on, Morty.

Jerry, what are you --
what are you doing in here?

I'm trying to find
our weed whacker,

'cause our weeds
are wank, yo.

But you can't go in the garage
when Rick's not here.

I "can't"?

- Well, he doesn't like it.
- What's he gonna do?

Crash rent-free
at his other family's house?

BETH: What is that
supposed to mean?

Your dad gets to walk
all over us

because of
your abandonment issues.

He's playing you, shorty.

Oh, stop affecting
that stupid hip-hop dialect.

Stop shifting the cross hairs
to my ironic urban patois

just because your relationship
with your father

is to' up
from the flo' up.

[ Screeching ]

What the hell was that?

I don't know.
Let's just leave.

[gurgling ]

That is a hatch.

Your father put a hatch
in my garage.

You don't know
it was him.

Anyway, we're not
supposed to be in here.

Obviously, neither is whatever's
gurgling down there.

[screech, gurgle]

"World peace achieved."
Nice.

Little weird to publish
a paper about it

for yourself, but hey.

So, what's next?

After I become
a type-one civilization,

this world will be invited
into the Galactic Federation.

Oh, goody.

From there,
I'll have access to

countless planets
and species.

One by one,
I will unify them,

I will become the universe,

and I will be what
the single-minded

once called a god.

[ Belches ]
I like that.

Oh, that's pretty sexy.

Hey, listen, where can we get
a drink around here?

Recreational substances
were phased out here.

There's no need
for escape from the self

when your world is one.

Unity, Unity,
who am I talking to?

I watched you assimilate
a whole police station

just to get your hands on
the evidence locker.

Rick, when we met,
I was a young hive mind

with the population
of a small town.

- People change...
- [ engine turns over]

Especially
when I change them.

I'm sorry
to disappoint you,

but I've grown.

Hey, listen,
I've grown, too.

I have!

See, I've -- I've reconnected
with my family, right?

Hm.
Why's that, I wonder?

Maybe it's
part of getting old.

Maybe I just missed
being with a collective.

[moaning ]

ALL:
Yes, Rick. Yes.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yes. Yes.

Wait, wait. Stop.
Hold it.

Not like this.

We need a hang glider

and a crotchless
Uncle Sam costume,

and I want the entire field
of your largest stadium

covered end to end
with naked redheads,

and I want the
stands packed

with every man that remotely
resembles my father.

[triumphant music plays]

Man, look at them go.
So coordinated.

[ gulps ]
What's your problem?

They're making you into
a Mount Rushmore.

They made burgers!

Morty, open your eyes.

There is no "They."

These poor people's bodies
are being used.

They're a planet
of puppets.

- I can hear you.
- Ugh.

Well, it seems like
everybody here's cool with it.

Except for
all those redheads.

They seem like
they're in a hurry

to be somewhere else.

Balloon, Summer?
Balloon, Morty'?

No, we don't want
your dumb balloons, okay?

We're bored.
Take us back to Rick.

Now's not a good time.

Oh, yeah!

I want yooooooou!

ALL: [chanting]
Go, son, go!

Go, son, go!
Go, son, go!

Oh, real nice.
Rea/nice.

How does a man do this
without me noticing?

Oh, you know my dad

once he puts his mind
to something.

You're spinning this
to his credit?

[ Screeching, gurgling ]

I'm going down there.

- Jerry --
- Beth, this is my house,

which makes this my garage,
my secret hatch,

my hidden subterranean lair,
and my faceless gargler.

Now, are you gonna keep
hating this playa

or are you gonna
jack my steez?

Okay, you're just
making stuff up now.

- [applause]
- Ugh- Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

- Ugh!
- [ glug! glug! glug!]

Oh, Rick.
That was so bad.

What's this "was" stuff?

I just need to hydrate,

- Then we're doing that again.
- [spaceships whir]

- Oh, damn.
- Listen, if this is an invasion,

I got to sit this one out,

but I'll be back to have sex
with the survivors.

It's a neighboring
hive-mind species,

Beta Seven.

Our planets maintain
a practical alliance

for exchange
of vital resources,

so be nice.

Unity,

is it a bad time?

Are all present life forms
assimilated?

Beta Seven,
this is my single-minded friend

from Earth, Rick.

Rick Sanchez.

Unity has spoken of you.

All bad, I hope.
Ha ha!

ALL:
Bleeeeeeeeeh!

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Beta Seven, if my allies
are a problem for you,

perhaps our alliance is,
as well.

Our alliance is beneficial.

When Beta Seven
expresses concern,

it -- it's only
be-because --

RICK: Oh, snap!
Powdered neutronium?

Am phetetron?

You know I can make
with this stuff'?

Oh, Rick,
I -- I shouldn't.

Come on. It's not every day
that I'm town.

It's --
it's for old time's sake.

Uh...okay, what the hell.

We can purify the resin
and make fractal dust.

Oh, I was thinking
velocitinis, but --

Aw, old man Rick can't party
with a whole planet?

[ Both laugh ]

I can do whatever
you do and more, baby.

[all groaning]

You know, I think [belches]
Beta Seven over there

is hoping your alliance
can be more than practical.

[laughing]
Stop.

[ laughter ]

Well, this explains
the $6,000 electric bill.

Whoa!

[ Screeches ]

Well, nice. Real nice.

Alien prisoners
under the house.

Real nice.

Nice.
Reeeeeeeeeeeeeal --

God damn it, stop.

Wake up, people!
You have to fight it!

You're under the spell
of an evil monster!

- I can hear you.
- Yeah, so you keep saying.

[grunts]

- Summer!
- Wake up!

You have to have some
individuality left in there!

Why do you hate me,
Summer?

I'm not talking to you.

I'm talking to...
Steven Phillips.

Steven,
set yourself free.

Summer, before I took
over this planet,

this man was
a registered sex offender.

Yeah? Well, so what?
At least he was himself.

This woman was a drug addict
on the verge of suicide.

Now she's
a marine biologist.

Listen, Unity, I don't think
my sister's trying to say

that life would be perfect
without you.

I think she's just saying
that life would be,

you know, life.

I have transformed life
here into a paradise.

Prostitutes
are now scientists.

The homeless
are now "Phisosophers."

Oh. Oh.
"Ph-phisosophers"? Nice.

- Philopol... Phiphophopher...
- Oh, my god.

Where did you learn to talk,
you grandpa-stealing slut?

I'm feeling...

[ retches ]

Ugh.

Oh, man, let me help
all of you guys up.

ALL:
I'm fine.

[dance music plays]

[sniffs ] Do you know
what I love about you, Rick?

You're the only single mind
I've met

that really sees
the big picture.

You got that right.

But, baby, listen --

Y-you're talking about taking
over planets and galaxies.

You got to --
got to just remember

to let go sometimes,
you know?

I can let go.
Hey, look.

You see that town
across the river?

Watch this.

- Whoa!
- Ha ha! Whoo!

Whoa!
That's not what I meant!

[ Iaughing ]
It's okay. It's okay.

I evacuated.
I evacuated the town. Look.

ALL:
Hey! We're right here. We're fine.

[ Iaughs ]

Oh, that was awesome.
[ chuckles ]

My -- my grandkids
weren't in that town, right?

A-are my grandkids alive?

M-my drink is empty.

[all retching]

[groans]

♪♪

- Unity, what's happening?
- Who's Unity'?

You kids have nice feet.
Mind if I take a picture?

- Gross. No.
[ cellphone camera clicks]

MORTY: I think you're getting
what you wanted, Summer.

Something's happening
to Unity.

Do all of you remember
who you are?

Yeah, uh,
my name is Ron Benson.

I'm an electrical engineer,
father of two,

and, as you can see from my
flat, concentric nipple rings,

I'm a member of
this planet's top race!

[ Cheers ]
Okay, that's good.

Uh, don't focus too much
on the last part, but --

I'm Daryl Jefferson.
I'm a landscaper.

And I'll be damned if

that ripple-nipple bitch's
race is superior!

The cone-nipple people
will rule this world!

You shut your mouth,
you dirty knife-nipple bastards.

What'd you say to me,

you target-chest
piece of shit.

Race war!

Ugh!

[grunting ]

Why are you fighting?!

Can't you see
you're all the same?

Oh, Summer.
[ laughs]

First race war, huh?

[all shouting, screaming ]

Way to go, Summer.
You started a race war.

I didn't start it!
They're the racists.

I -- I merely
empowered them

to follow their apparently
misguided dreams.

Okay,
thanks for clarifying.

I'll have a super-accurate
headstone now.

Hey, wait --
what race are you guys?

We're neither. S-see?

Yeah,
take my word for it.

We just have
regular nipples.

Hey, these two freaks
have no race!

♪♪

[all shouting indistinctly]

Oh, there's no place
like home.

There's no place like home.
Remember, Summer?

From Dorothy
and the tiny people movie?

Yes, yes.

- All the tiny people.
- Dorothy, take us away.

♪♪

Hello, Summer.
Hello, Morty.

- It's okay. You're safe now.
- Unity'?

- Yes.
- Oh, Unity, I am so sorry.

I didn't know freedom meant
people doing stuff that sucks.

I was thinking more of

a choose your own
cellphone-carrier thing.

Oh, Summer,
you did nothing wrong.

I'm having fun
with your grandpa.

Lost a little control.

Probably shouldn't be
piloting a hovercopter,

nor should I be running
200,000 pediatric hospitals

and 12 million deep fryers,

but hey,
it's not like this planet

can take its business
elsewhere.

Um, should we maybe
stop somewhere

and get you a coffee?

Maybe splash a little water
on your face, or...

No, no,
if I wanted to be sober,

I wouldn't have
gotten drunk.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

[ Screeches, gurgles ]

Oh, man.
I cannot wait --

I cannot wait to hear Rick
explain his way around this.

He is gone.

Jerry,
stop, please, okay?

We weren't even
supposed to be down here.

If we confront him
about this --

Oh, my god!
I love this.

I love that this is
how far you will go for him.

You want to go upstairs
and cut carrots

and watch
a Lifetime original

above a fucking
alien dungeon!

Your relationship with
your father is psychotic.

Oh, listen to you
relish the idea

that my genius father
is a bad person.

Step out of your ego
for a second

and look at this thing --
it's a monster.

He might
have it chained up

so that it doesn't
eat the planet!

Right, because your father's
such an altruist?

I once saw him briefly
forget the word for "Humans."

He's probably harvesting
this creature's organs.

He's probably racing
to cure its space AIDS.

- He's going to eat it!
- He's protecting it!

[ Shrills ]

BOTH:
Shut up!

[ Humming]
Whoa!

Unity,
this place is a mess.

Oh, it's cool.

The part of me
that's the cleaning lady

is coming on Friday.

[ Gasps ]
Oh, my god. I have a meeting

at the Galactic Federation
in an hour.

Oh, I'll never make it.

Ah, I'll push it
to next week.

Unity, could you get Rick
out here, please?

He's unavailable.
He's...

having sex with you.
We get it. Gross.

Get him out here now.

I don't think
he wants to be --

- Grandpa Rick!
- Rick! Rick!

I'm gonna tell mom and dad
about the gagoo

you have locked up
under the garage!

[ Belches ]
What the hell is your problem?

Grandpa,
we need to go home, now.

Fine. Sheesh.

[glass shatters]

[ Beeps ]

See you.

Uh, Rick,
I think we should all go.

Tend to your garden, kids.
I'm kind of doing a thing here.

[ Iaughs]
Whoo!

Grandpa Rick,
we're not leaving without you.

Oh, my god, you guys.
I get it.

You're afraid
the big, bad hive mind

is gonna steal
your grandpa away.

Actually, no.
I think Unity's great

and you're
a horrible influence on it.

- What?
- This isn't healthy, Rick.

You know, you're --
you're really up to no good

around here a-at
this place, you know?

You and Unity are like --

like leggings
and mid-calf boots.

You think
you're great together,

but you're just bringing out
the worst in each other.

Oh, gee.
Boy, Summer. Well put.

Uh, why don't we see
what Unity thinks?

Unity?

I'm just taking
a little break from stuff.

You know?
I need to relax.

Oh, hey, w-what's this
on the news, guys'?

I-l-let me turn it up.

In the news today,

this looks
a lot worse than it is.

We're really just
having a good time.

Karen?
Thanks, Todd.

Up next, are you
a concerned grandchild

or just a buzzkill?

We'll tell you
how you can know for sure.

I think you two
are a little outnumbered.

Okay, well, what if
you did it for me?

What if you came with us
as a favor to us

because you love us?

What? Dumb. Bye.

But Rick,
Summer's just --

Summer's just a hyper-emotional,
needy little --

what's the word
I'm looking for here?

Uh...human.

It runs in the family.

I can tolerate it,

but I can't
give a crap about it.

Take a hike.

Take care of yourself,
Unity.

I'm not looking for judgment,
just a yes or no --

can you assimilate
a giraffe?

You're the worst!

No, you're the worst!
You don't support this family!

All you care about
is yourself!

You think supporting the family
is about supporting you emotionally...

you've got two children
being dragged across the cosmos

...because it's never
enough, Jerry!

...by your dangerously
ill father!

And you force me to
watch it happen...

...because you'd rather
lose them and lose me...

...it's like to be afraid
of losing anything

- than lose him!
- Because you cling...

And why? Because
you're the child, Beth!

- You, not me! You!
- [ screeches ]

- Aah!
- Aah!

- Oh, my god.
- Aah!

[ Both sigh ]

[ Both gasp ]

Um, first of all, hello.

Uh, my name is
Blim Blam the Korblok.

Second of all,
cards on the table,

I'm a murderer
that eats babies,

and I came to this planet
to eat babies.

However, I am also carrying
a highly infectious disease

that I suppose you could call
"Space AIDS" as you put it.

And Rick did
chain me up

so that he could
attempt to cure it.

At the same time,

Rick's motivation
to cure my disease

was not to save my life
or anyone else's,

but to patent and sell the cure
for billions of blemflarcks.

But you know
the reason why

I ripped my chains
out of the wall?

And do you know why l'm never
coming back to this planet?

Because the two of you
are the fucking worst!

You both hate yourselves
and each other.

And the idea that it has
anything to do with Rick

is laughable.

I'd laugh,
but I'm biologically incapable.

That's how alien I am.

And even I'm sitting here
listening to the two of you

and being like,
"What the fuck"!

So good luck
with your shitty marriage,

and tell Rick I'm sorry he has
to deal with either of you.

Blim Blam out.

[gurgles]

You know what?
I'm taking this.

How do you --
what is this?

Uh, is there
a slow setting?

Best door ever.

RICK:
[belches, sighs, coughs]

Okay, okay. Now make them cry,
but happy crying.

Now make them all
make fun of the blonde one.

Now make them all
do it on the table.

I can't believe you created
a whole show for me.

Now cancel it.

Okay, now put it back on.

[ Iaughs ]

All right, I'm bored.

Rick,
is there a way for you

to call Summer
and Morty?

- I feel bad that they --
- Pbht. Screw those guys.

Ugh.
I'll be right back.

Don't waste your brain
on those weirdos, Unity.

They're no different
from any of the aimless

chumps that you occupy.

They just put you at
the center of their lives

because you're powerful.

And then because
they put you there,

they want you
to be less powerful.

Never gonna happen
though, right?

ALL:
Never.

Never.
Back in a flash.

[ Door whooshes ]

[toilet flushes ]

Best weekend ever, Rick.

I agree, Rick.
Let's see how long we can go.

Hey, Une.
You got any more --

FEMALE UNITY:
Rick, forgive me for doing this in notes.

I'm not strong enough
to do it in persons.

DELIVERY GUY:
I realize now that I'm attracted to you

for the same reason
I can't be with you.

You can't change.

BEGGAR: And I have
no problem with that,

but it clearly means
I have a problem with myself.

NEWSPAPER VENDOR: I'm sure there's no
perfect version of me.

I'm sure I'll just unify
species after species

and never
really be complete.

FEMALE PRESIDENT:
Bu! I know how it goes with us.

I lose who I am
and become part of you.

Because in a strange way,

you're better at what I do
without even trying.

Yours, and nobody else's,
Unity.

P.S., I don't know where
those coal miners were

before they
were assimilated.

You might want
to get checked.

- Man: [ be/ches]
[ laughter]

[ door opens, closes ]

Hey.

Dad.

[ Clears throat]
I, um -- Jerry and I

were looking for
our weed whacker

and found
your subterranean lair

and your alien prisoner,

and he got away.

And I know
I sound like mom,

but I can't sacrifice
this whole family's safety

just because I'm afraid
you'll leave again,

so no more alien prisoners

and no more
subterranean excavation

without consulting us.

- Okay,
- Okay?

"Okay" -- like you're gonna
quietly teleport somewhere

and never come back?
- No. It's your house.

Grandpa Rick,
what happened with Unity?

Who? Oh, Unity.
Yeah, well...

I mean, honestly,
we're talking about an entity

that thrives on
enslavement, you know?

It's not cool. Fun's fun,
but who needs it?

I'll be in the garage.

[Chaos Chaos's
"Do you feel it?" plays]

♪ Lay it, lay it down ♪

♪ Let me see your hand ♪

♪ Show me what you got ♪

♪ You're always talking ♪

♪ But you're not playing ♪

♪ It doesn't
match your face ♪

♪ Get them away,
away from this place ♪

♪ Can you take me now? ♪

♪ I, I want it ♪

♪ I want it real ♪

♪ Are you afraid of me now? ♪

♪♪
[ machine whirring ]

♪ Are you afraid of me now? ♪

♪ Do you feel it? ♪

♪ Do you feel it? ♪

♪ Do you feel
that I can see your soul? ♪

♪ Do you feel it? ♪

♪ Do you feel it? ♪

♪ Do you feel the pain
in your heart? ♪

♪ I, I want it ♪

♪ I want it real ♪

♪ Run away with me now ♪

♪ I, I want it ♪

I I want it real I'

♪ Run away with me now ♪

♪ Ah, ah ♪

♪♪

♪ Don't leave me ♪

♪ Never leave me out ♪

♪ Don't leave me ♪

♪ Never leave me out ♪

RICK:
Unity! Unity!

Unity!

How can I assist you?

I want to talk to [belches]
Unity, Beta Seven.

I know it's in there.

You're classified
as a hostile entity,

and Unity
doesn't want to talk to you.

I know your game,
Beta Seven.

I've met a billion of you,

you little on-deck,
in-the-wings shoulder to cry on!

You are classified
as a hostile entity.

Oh, you're just loving this, mother--

this isn't gonna
shake out like you think, pal.

Unity's not into other
hive minds.

It's gonna suck you in
and use you up,

and a month from now,

I'm gonna be making out
with all of you

in a bunch of red wigs!

Unity! Unity!

Unity, I know you can hear me.
Get out here.

BETA SEVEN:
Weapons systems engaged.

Oh, in your dreams
you have weapon systems.

Ugh, Rick, you said
we were going to a movie.

We are, Morty.

All right,
Beta shit Seven,

you just got
saved by the bell, bitch!

[screaming ]

MAN:
Did you get any of that?

MAN:
It's-a good show-a.