All language subtitles for Reboot.2022.S01E01.WEB.x264-TORRENTGALAXY Eng

♪ anticipatory music playing ♪

- You're a writer, aren't you?

- Yeah. How'd you know?

- Writers don't have to get
all done up for meetings.

Not like actresses.

You guys can wear anything.

- Thank you?
- Mm-hm.

- Hannah, we're ready for you.
- Great, coming.

[exhaling loudly]

- Oh, um.
- What?

ACTRESS: You--
- Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Um... can you help me?

- So, my team tells me you've done some
really original stuff in the indie space.

- Uh, thank you. I try.

- Well, we're definitely on the lookout
for breakthrough shows,

the edgier the better.

So, what do ya got?

- I wanna reboot the old sitcom
Step Right Up!

- [laughing] Step Right--
Are you serious?

HANNAH:
Dead serious.

And I wanna do it with the original cast.

- Am I... thinking of the right one?

Can somebody pull up a clip?
- Oh, yeah.

[keys clicking]

- Got it!
[employees groaning]

JOSIE: [on video]
Hey, how was the skate park?

- Great! Dad taught me
how to do a kickflip.

[Josie gasps]
- Oh, I can teach anyone
how to skateboard.

[Josie laughing]

- Oy.
[audience laughing]

- Well, almost anyone.

- Oh, Lawrence, honey, what happened?

- Well, I, I wanted to make
a good impression on my new stepson.

- And instead, he made it on the concrete.

[yelps]
[audience laughing]

♪ Hello friend, it may take some time ♪

♪ But there's no hill
that we can't climb ♪

♪ Love and laughs
will get us all through ♪

♪ Just one thing that you gotta do ♪

♪ And that's, step right up ♪

♪ Just step right up ♪

♪ Step right up ♪

♪ That's what you gotta do ♪

♪ Step... right... up ♪

- Now I remember.

My kids used to love that show.

- Your kids are great.

- Sir, it does surprisingly well
on our platform

with Family, Pop Culture,
Vicarious-Living,

and Live-To-Laugh audience segments.

Average viewing time, 63 minutes.

- Are we sure that's not just people
leaving it on for their dogs?

- No, we track that.

- Elaine just joined
the creative team from research.

I, I gotta say, it seems like
an odd choice from someone so edgy.

Y-You are the edgy one, right?
Or is that my 11:15?

- No, no, she's the one who did that movie
at South by Southwest I told you about.

What was it called?
- Thank you, um, for having seen it.

It's called Cunt Saw.

- Oh boy. Then I'm a little bit confused.

Why do you wanna do
something so traditional?

- Uh, yeah, um, god, it's hard to explain.

Okay, you know how in the old sitcom,
the characters always did the right thing?

- Mm-hm.

- They don't do the right thing anymore.

- Oh.
- You know, like, I fuck with it.

But in a fun way.
- Mm-hm.

I don't know.
It might be too edgy for you.
[employees laughing]

- You're talking to the guy who, uh,

greenlit the fifth season
of Handmaid's Tale.

- So brave. So brave.

EXECUTIVE:
Do we know if the cast is available?

- Or alive?

- Well, according to Wikipedia,

Step Right Up was cancelled when

Reed Sterling left
to pursue a film career,

but, for whatever reason,
no film or TV lately.

CASTING ASSISTANT:
That's the deal, you cocksucker.

You can take it, or I beat you
to death with a fucking bat.

- Well, look at you.
Actin' like you A-Rod or some shit

when I'm the ruthless muthafucka
standin' here with a .38 snubnose.

You know what?
Um, actually, I'm thinking

that perhaps I should infuse him

with a layer of weariness
and vulnerability.

CASTING ASSISTANT:
Maybe don't think.

- Well, not-not exactly what they taught
us at the Yale School of Drama.

CASTING ASSISTANT:
Thank you.

- Bree Marie Jensen did a season
on a low budget sci-fi cable show

called StarBlast Five.

- Status?

- Captain, it has to be
the multi-camera spectrometer

and cryo-cooler.

I'll repair them as soon as I

nourish my larvae.

ELAINE:
Says she then left Hollywood

to marry the Duke of a small
Nordic country named Fjordstad.

And Clay Barber?

[camera clicks]
Arrested on a drug charge in 2011,

returned to stand-up comedy in 2014,

[camera clicks]
charged with disorderly conduct in 2017.

Now back doing stand-up.

- Do we know what happened to the kid?

- Uh, Zack Jackson starred in
a string of straight-to-video teen movies:

including Kid Congressman, Teenstronaut,

and Hunchback of Notre Dame High.

I like this idea,
but are people still doing reboots?

- Let's see, Fuller House,
Saved by the Bell,

iCarly, Gilmore Girls, Gossip Girl.

- Party of Five, Party Down,
One Day at a Time.

- Boy Meets World,
How I Met Your Father,

The Wonder Years.

- Battlestar Galactica.

- Doogie Howser, The Odd Couple.

- Perry Mason, Hawaii Five-O,
Veronica Mars, Fresh Prince.

Fraggle Rock.
- Fraggle Rock.

- Makes me feel a little bit safer.

What the hell,

let's remake something original.

♪ theme music playing ♪

NORA: Hi, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
REED: Hi, babe.

- Our overpaid lead threw a fit.

She said that her understudy
was sneezing on her.

- You, You know who was just eating here?
Like, right over there?

Paul Thomas Anderson.
- Oh, let me guess:

his lunch went on a half hour too long.

- Come on, j-just because Magnolia

dared to--
- Mm-hm.

- You know what?

I'm not gonna have this fight again.
- Okay,

I have to be back
at the theater in 40 minutes,

so what's this big thing
you wanted to discuss?

- [sighs] Okay, remember I told you
they were rebooting my old show?

- Mm-hm.
- I read the script.

- And?
- And I am shocked, but it's really good.

It's smart dialogue,
and nuanced relationships.

Ooh, and get this:

My character had
a dark secret the entire time.

- And it's still a comedy?
- Here's what's brilliant.

It is both the funniest thing
you've ever read,

and you won't laugh once.

- I thought you hated this show.

I mean, I've heard you blame it
for ruining your career.

- The show itself was bad...
but there's a new writer.

And so now there's none
of that old, hacky,

set-up/punchline, set-up/punchline thing.
That was all Gordon.

[sighing]
So, I think I'm gonna do it.

- Wow.
- I, I, I want more people
to see the potential I had

when I came out
of the Yale School of Drama.
- Oh my god,

you have such a large penis,

why do you always
have to bring up Yale?

- [sighs] Okay, listen.

It shoots in L.A.,

so... you could always join me

after the play opens.
- You know I can't.

I mean, once this
fuckin' play opens,

I go straight into rehearsals
on that next cocksucking thing.

I've been directing way too much Mamet.

- Okay, then I'll come back
to New York on hiatus weeks.

- Hm. Ah, is she gonna be there?

- She?

Who?
- Really?

- You-- Who you mean? Bree?

- I'm sorry, is there another cast member
you dated for three years?

- Fair. Fair enough, um.

Yes, apparently, she will be there.

- Great, this is so good for you guys.

You can go hike around
the reservoir in your yoga pants--
- Oh boy. Now see.

Okay, yep, keep going.
- and then you can go get an acai bowl,

have a sound bath,

but that's probably before
the lymphatic massage.

- You get one more.

- Go over to In-N-Out Burger
in your electric car--

- Nice.
- for the drive out to Ojai

for the Avocado Festival.
- Mm, Nora, look at me.

Look at me.
- This is so creepy.

- You are my girlfriend,

and I promise you,
there is nothing to worry about.

- I remember you saying you guys
were either always fighting or fucking.

- [sighing] Okay, well, now we'll only
be fighting because she's married,

and you're the one I love.

♪ "Hollywood Swinging"
by Kool & The Gang playing ♪

- Is-- Does-- Who works here?

♪

- Hi, uh, Reed Sterling.
Here for a cast photo shoot.

- What show?
- Uh, it's the reboot
of, uh, Step Right Up.

It's much better this time. [laughs]

My character has a dark secret.

- Do you have a dark secret?
- No, I do not.

- That's all I care about.

♪ What ya got to say ♪

♪ Hollywood ♪

♪ Hollywood swinging ♪

- Hey, how ya doin'?
[thud]

Oh!
[person grunts]

Oh god!

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.
[gasps] Oh, jeez.

I am so sorry!

Oh god, are you, are you okay?!

- I am now. Kiss me.

- Oh, motherfucker!
- [cackling] Oh, are you mad?

Are you gonna quit again
for a career in the cinema?

Come on. [laughing] Oh god.

- Come on, man.
- [laughs] See-- Come on.

- Jeez.
- Seriously good to see you again.

- Stop it. [laughing] You too.

I like this.
- Yeah, I like the [whistling].

- Yeah... it's been a long time.
- Yeah, you, uh, talk to Bree at all?

- Uh, not a word... in 15 years.
- Oof, that's gonna be uncomfortable.

[Reed sighs]
Can I be there?

[engine revving]

- 'Sup, guys? Look who's all grown up.

It's me, Zack.

- Wow, Zack!
- Oh, hey.

- Yep, the three of us back together.

Only it's different now
'cause we've all had sex.

How cool is that?

[engine revving]
[tires screeching]

♪ anticipatory music playing ♪

[exhaling]

BREE:
Come in!

Oh god, can you hurry?

I'm stuck, I'm stuck, and I can't breathe.

- Uh, well, um, Bree, it's me.

Uh, it's Reed.
- Reed?!

What are you doing? Get out of here!

- Sorry, yeah, well,
you told me to come in.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Don't go, don't go!

- What?
- Can you just, like, before you go

can you please unhook this?
- Uh,

fine, I will help you--
- Please!

- but you just have to understand
that I'm in a committed relationship.

- Is she here with you right now?
- No.

- [yells] Then get me out
of my fucking bra!

- Okay, all right, all right. Wow.
- Jesus.

- Okay, here we go, all right?
[both muttering]

God, why this is really on here.
- Did you-- Can you--

What are you, 15?
- Wait, I got it, I got it.

[Bree groaning in relief]
There we are.

- Oh my god.

[Bree groaning]

Hi.

- I, I, I thought it would be weird

if, uh, the first time we saw
each other was on set.

- That would be weird?

Okay. [exhales]

So, thank you for that.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're welcome.

- Oh, it's good to see you. You look good.

- I do?
- Yeah, your, your head, it--
And your gray hairs.

- Yes, I'm, I'm in a,
I'm in a committed relationship.

- Yeah, you said that.
- Sorry, um--

- How are you? Tell me everything.

- Oh, f-f-fantastic, yeah.
Doin' some theater.

I got a couple of film projects
in the works--
- Uh-huh.

- and, uh... just had lunch
with Paul Thomas Anderson.

- Exciting, exciting.
- Yeah, mm-hm. And, um, and, and you?

I mean, how, how's life as a Duchess?

- So fulfilling.
- Mm.

- It's cold and dark
for much of the year there,

so our people really look to me
to be their warmth and light.

- Like the sun.

- Embarrassing when you
say it like that, but yes.

To an entire nation of people,
I am like the sun.

- And your husband, the Duke?

- My husband is
so sweet and so loving.
- Mm-hm. Mm, good, good.

- And so miserable that I'm here--

- Of course.
- but he knows I don't
wanna be the kind of person

to let everybody down.

Know what I mean?

- [sighs] Maybe we should talk
about the way things ended.

- Oh, you mean how they cancelled our show

because you quit to go
and do a movie that nobody saw?

- I mean us.

I get back from location,
you left the country to marry a Duke

without so much as a goodbye.

- We were broken up, remember?
- We broke up all the time.

Bree, we got back together, we broke up.

It's something we did.
- Why do you even care?

To you I was always just some

stupid, small-town pageant girl
who didn't go to college.

- How can you say that?

- Because you were always
giving me acting notes.

- I gave you notes to help you.

- Well, if I needed so much help,

how come I was nominated

for a People's Choice Award
and you weren't?

- Because the people fell
for your contrived, little snort laugh.

- Or because you were overacting.

[scoffing]

- How... dare you.

- You know what?

That wasn't fair.

I'm lashing out because
you were always right.

You were so fucking good all the time,

and it just bothered me that the rest
of us couldn't compete with that.

- Wow.

That's very--

Thank you.

- And I'm reeling because, goddamnit,
all I can think about is kissing you.

- I-I'm in a committed--
- Now who's the good actor?

[laughing and snorting]
[Reed gasping]

Hey, Kelly, can I get a touchup?

[Reed growling in anger]

♪

[crew chattering]

- Holy shit.

- Hey, can we get real for a second?

- Oh, I don't like the sound of this.

- I used to be pretty bummed out that,
when the show ended,

I never heard from any of you guys again.

I mean, you played my parents
and then you were just gone.

But now that I'm an adult...
I just want you to know... that I get it.

- Okay.
- You weren't my real dad.

You were just playing my dad.

- Right.
- So, I shouldn't have been disappointed

that I never heard from you
after the show ended.

Not even on my birthday.

- Well, I'm really not
into birthdays or kids.

- But you liked me, though.

- Sure, if that's how you
wanna remember it.

- But I was so cute.
- Meh.

- Hey, Reed, you thought
I was a cute kid, right?

- You were an actor finding
the truth in your character,

which is all that matters.

- That's a big pretentious no.

- Hi. Hi guys. I'm Hannah Korman.
I'm the new showrunner person.

- Hannah! Oh gosh!
- Hey.

- The script is amazing.
You are brilliant. I love you already.

- Oh my god.
If I had you instead of my father,

I could've saved thousands
on Xanax and rehab.

[Reed laughing]
And Xanax again, whoopsies.

- [laughing]
See, that's the voice that we need.

Very cable, very streaming.

And I can't tell you how much
I love the twist at the end,

Lawrence's dark secret.
- Thank you. I'm so excited to be here.

I've been obsessed with the show
for as long as I can remember,

and I'm kind of obsessed with you guys.

Like, Clay, your stand-up is so offensive

it's amazing you haven't
been cancelled yet.

- Well, not for lack of trying.

- And, Reed, I actually saw you
in that production of Twelfth Night

in Providence a couple years ago.
You were unbelievable.

And, Zack,

my little cousin has seen
some of your movies.

- Ah, sweet!
Another member of the Zack Pack.

[cell phone chiming]

- Hey, Elaine, what's up?
- Hi, this is Elaine Kim from Hulu.

- Mm-hm, that's why I said--
- We have a significant situation.

Are you someplace you can talk?

- Um, cool. I'm with the cast right now.

- Yo, if that's your cousin,
I can say what's up.

- Why would it-- No.
- Okay.

- Uh, let me call you back in two minutes.

Uh, okay, I gotta run,
but it was so lovely meeting you guys.

- You too. Oh.
- And can't wait to make some magic.

- Yes, yes, yes!
[Clay laughing]

Thank you so much, Hannah.
- I'll walk ya out.

- Uh.
- So, which one of my films
is your cousin's favorite?

- Oh, um, something about you
being trapped underground?

- Oh, Minor Miner.

I won best actor for that one
at the Magic Mountain Film Festival.

- Oh!

♪

- So much hair.

- God, I've gotten old.
- Wow.

- I'd pay anything to have
a 24-year-old ass.

- Well, it only costs 300 bucks an hour.
- You'd know.

- How you doin', Bree?
- Hey, honey. How are you?

So good to see you.
Are you still doing your comedy?

- Yeah, what can I say? It's in my blood.

Along with Hep C.
- Gross.

I'm just glad you're still alive.
- Well, actually, true story,

one crazy night I died for six minutes.

- Your stand-up's not for everyone.
- Oh, that's funny, Duchess.

- You don't have to
call me that, honestly.

Really, it's embarrassing.

I was just telling my hair
and makeup people that I really--

I need to be treated like
a regular person again.

ZACK:
Hey, Bree.

- Could I have a sparkling water
with tiny bubbles, not coarse?

- What?

- A sparkling water
with tiny bubbles, not coarse.

- No, it's, it's me, Zack.
- Zack.

ZACK:
Zack Jackson.

- Oh, wow! [laughing]
Zack Jackson all grown up.

- Whoa, weird.

That's the exact title
of my soon-to-be-self-published memoir.

I get real about my career,
my struggle with ADHD--

Oh, cool!
Look at that picture of a barn.

I can do a backflip.

Hey, did you think I was cute
when I was a kid?

- Sure... First couple seasons.

- So, ladies and germs,
here's what we are recreating.

Let's get into position.
Uh, you are there, and you're there.

You know what to do.

Uh-huh, oh, great.
Yeah, it's amazing.

[fake laughing]

Okay, ha, everybody's hilarious.
[fake laughing]

Reed, give us the, uh,
the Lawrence annoyed look.

- Lawrence-- I, I am.
- No, uh, with the arms. Hm.

- Oh, hm, I-I'd rather not.

It's, uh, it's, it's too broad.
- Yeah, but we gotta match the old photo.

- Yeah, but nobody does that in real life.

And, uh, the show is much
more sophisticated this time.

Totally different tone.

So, this is more of an internal thing
when I'm, when I'm--

See?

- You don't look annoyed.

- Well, trust me, I'm gettin' there.

- Dude, it's a photo.
- Can you just do it?

- No, it is a slippery slope.

It starts with one corny photo,

and ends with a bucket
of spaghetti on my head.

- I liked that episode:
"Mission Impastable."

That was funny.
CONNOR: Hey, you guys know
where I can find the actors?

- We're the grownup actors.
- Awesome, way to go.

Uh, they told me to tell you guys
to go to the showrunner's office.

- Why?
- 'Cause it's my job
to do stuff like that.

It's my first day. Still figuring it out.

- Perfect. We will ask Hannah.

She is the showrunner,
she sets the tone,

and I highly doubt that she wants, "Mm."
[camera clicking]

PHOTOGRAPHER: There it is.
- [gasps] Do not use that!

♪

Hi Hannah--
- I'm sorry, I can't.

- Is that my favorite family?

- Gordon.

- Gordon?
- Hey, it's me.

- Uh, [stammers] what are,
what are you doing here?

- I'm here to save the day.

I finally read this new script.

You got jokes with no punchlines,

over-complicated characters,
social commentary, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I told her I'm gonna fix it.

- I-I'm sorry, maybe you don't know this,
but Hannah's our new showrunner.

- Apparently not, 'cause she just quit.

- What?
- I'm here.

- Finally, the guy with the sandwiches.
- Gordon?

No, it's me, Zack.

- What? Zack? No, oh my!

You used to be so cute.
- See? Told you.

- [laughs] And, Reed, I notice you got hit
by the, uh, the great recession.

Hey, that's a gold mine right there.

Put in a bunch of bald jokes
about Lawrence.

- No! No, no, no, we're, we're
not gonna do that, uh, Gordon.
GORDON: That's funny. I like that.

- We, We really like the new script.
- No, nobody likes this.

You know what the problem is?

See, now the world is just a mess
and people need comfort, right?

They don't want kale salad,
let's give 'em mac and cheese.

- Gordon, the characters
finally sound real.

- What are you talkin' about?

Lawrence has always been real.
It's based on me.

You know the episode
where you, you dropped,

you dropped the, the wallet
in the open casket?

REED: Yeah.
- That happened.

Not to me, but I knew
a guy that happened to.

- And that was very, very funny in 2002,

but it's been 20 years
and the show needs to change.

- It's gonna change, believe me.

This time, Cody gets
his own cute little kid.

- Ah, hell yeah! That's so sick.
GORDON: Right?

- A kid? No kid.

I must've spent 10-grand
on that fuckin' swear jar.

- Well, you can't do a family show
without a cute kid.

- We did before.

- Wait, Gordon, you can't do that
because then that would make me a grandma.

GORDON:
Oh boy, I hadn't even thought of that.

Put in a bunch of old lady
jokes about Josie.

Yeah, like a, a walk-in tub and stuff.

- No, I'm barely in my forties! Shut up.

- Okay, um, I'm sorry, Gordon, um,

we are only doing the version
that we have signed on for.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- I see.

And if we don't... then what?

You gonna quit... again?

Hm? Is that what's gonna happen?

What, you're all gonna quit this time?

- Oh, um.
- Well.
- Well.

BREE: Not necessarily, but--
- Yes, we are all going to quit.

- Reed.

- Who the fuck do you think you are?

This is my show.
I own the rights. I'm in charge.

So, if that's not okay with you,
then-- Hey, you know what?

Fuck your quitting,
I'll just fold up the tent,

shave the bearded lady.

I'll be very happy to go back
to my beautiful home in Bel Air.

So, you can tell me right now,
you're in or you're out.

- I'm scared.
- Okay.

- What are you doing?
- We need to apologize to him.

- Yeah.

- I'm hearing you, I'm listening,
and I got this completely under control.

All right? Just trust me.

[inhaling and chuckling]

Well, look at you.

Actin' like you A-Rod or some shit

when I'm the only ruthless
muthafucka standin' here.

- W-What is he doing?
- I'll tell you what the fuck I'm doing.

You bring back the girl,

or you ain't never gon' see
this family ever again.

♪

Let's roll, y'all.

Dis muthafucka. [groans]

BREE:
Reed!

[Reed exhaling]
- Are you out of your mind?!

- Okay.
- What the fuck, Reed?!

- Okay, I admit the character took over.

- Will he really shut down the show?
- Nah, nah. I think he's bluffing.

- You think he's bluffing?!
What if he's not?!

What if this all ends because you
pretended to be a ruthless motherfucker?

- Why are you the one freaking out?
- Because I need this show!

- Oh my god, are you kiddin' me?

You're, You're the last one
who needs this show.

You can just go back to being a Duchess.

- I can't.
- Why not?

- Because I'm not a Duchess anymore!
[Bree knocking at door]

Anders?
- Bree!

- Ingrid's not at her desk.

- Oh, what, uh, what brings you here?
- [sighs] It happened again.

I went into the village to try
to connect with these stoic people

and someone threw a pinecone at my head
and called me a Klün-Hore.

- That means Clown Whore.
- I know what it means!

I'm trying to be a good Duchess,
but they just don't accept outsiders.

- Perhaps we can talk about this later.

- No, I wanna talk about it now!

I want you to-- Oh my god,
are you not wearing pants?!

- [grunts] Well, let's not, uh--
- Is that Ingrid down there?

INGRID: We're in love, Klün-Hore!
[Bree gasping]

ANDERS:
Uh, darling, I, I think that--

- Go to hell, Anders,
and fuck off, Ingrid!

I never liked you!

Well, I did, but I don't anymore!

My marriage is over and I'm broke.

- You're broke?
Well, how did that happen?

- Fjordstad divorce law.
They're on the Kettle System.

A woman can only take
what she can fit in a kettle.

- I'm so sorry.

- You guys all have
things to fall back on.

I don't... I am so pathetic.

- You wanna hear pathetic?
My life's a fuckin' mess.

Three months ago,
Andy Dick told me I was outta control.

- Ooh.

- Yeah, I got fired
from my last teen movie.

Apparently, "guys in high school
don't have hair plugs."

- [clears throat] Well, um,

as I am the actor who left this troupe

for greener pastures,

you might enjoy learning that
my last paying job over a year ago

was the voice... of a hemorrhoid.

- When I was 17,

I stole $2,000 worth of Air Jordans
from a Foot Locker.

- Not what we're doin', man.

- No.
- Okay, c-cool.

You guys left this in there.

REED:
Remember how excited we were

when this was the billboard
of us on Sunset Boulevard?

- We raced there at lunch to see it.

- And we posed exactly the same way
hoping someone would notice.

- Remember that guy asked you
to autograph his t-shirt?

- Oh god. I remember that was
the first time I ever signed an autograph.

Granted, he thought I was Damon Wayans.
[laughing]

- Yeah, I don't remember any of this.

- You were sick.
- You were at school.
- We couldn't find you.

- [exhaling] Okay, fuck it.

BREE: Where are you going?
- Back to Gordon's to eat shit.

I screwed you guys out of this once,
I'm not gonna do it again.

- Yo, see you guys later.

Gotta go take this box to Hannah's house.

- Reed, wait!

[knocking at door]
ALL: Hi.

- What the f--
- Hi, um, I'm Bree.

We haven't met yet.
- Yeah, I'm a big fan.

- Oh... thanks, that's so sweet.
[laughing] What was I saying?

- What the hell are you guys doing here?

- Oh--
- Hannah, we need you to stay.

- Guys, I can't.

I-I would love to, but Gordon
wasn't supposed to be there, okay?

So, it's just-- It's a non-starter.

- I don't think you understand.
I need this.

I need somewhere to go during the day,
or bad shit finds me.

- Hannah, we all need this.

[sighing]

- No, no. I can't, I can't.
I can't work with him every day.

He's just-- He's so--
- Stubborn and he's narcissistic.

We know.
All right, we're tired of the drama.

I promise you, we will always,
always be in your corner.

- Yeah, and help you fight
his terrible ideas, like adding a kid.

- Or making me a grandma.

- You're saying--
Are you, Are you saying you'd support me?

- Absolutely.
- No matter what?

REED: No matt--
- Oh my god! Fuck that guy.

- I mean, that would infuriate him.

- Come on, Hannah...
We need you to Step--

- Oh, don't say it.
REED: Right.

HANNAH: Please kill me.
REED: Up.

- Ugh.

♪

- Okay.
[Bree gasping]

- Yes?
HANNAH: I'll do it.

[all exclaiming]
I'll try.

REED:
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

[laughing]
Oh, you're the best. Oh, thank you.

- And I-- You know, I got
a little ramped up there.

I promise you, Gordon,

he's not that bad
when you get to know him.
- No.

CLAY: Yeah.
- Oh, I got to know him pretty well
for about seven years

until he dropped me off
at ballet class one time

and he started flirting
with my super-skinny teacher.

And then he moved in with her
and her super creepy son, Seth,

and then he created a television show
all about his new step-family

that acted like
his daughter never existed.

- Um... are you telling us
that Gordon is your father?

- Yeah... but I guess my childhood
didn't give him enough material, right?

Maybe my scoliosis brace,
and my cystic acne,

and going to the father-daughter dance

with my mother's hairdresser
wasn't funny enough for him.

But we're not gonna let him
write me out this time.

- Oh shit.

- So, the big twist
at the end of the pilot--

- Dear Lord,
Lawrence's dark secret is you.

[Zack breathing heavily]
- I'm here.

What'd I miss?

♪ "Re-Do" by Modern Baseball playing ♪

♪ Maybe change by name ♪

♪ Report the losses, grab the claim ♪

♪ It's a shame, it's such a shame ♪

♪ We're pissing away our time ♪

♪ 'Cause we're pissing away these beers ♪

♪ No monumental moment
ever came from saying ♪

♪ "Come on, dude,
just take one more shot" ♪

♪ Try to, try to forget ♪

♪ That your bones will dismantle ♪

[musical flourish]

[fanfare]

- I am focused,
I am on top of things--

MAN:
Bree, you missed your cue!

- Shit. This is your fault!

That's not the actress
playing your daughter, is it?

REED:
I wouldn't think so.

Her character description was
frazzled, unkempt, and zaftig.

- A special welcome to the newest member
of our cast, Timberly Fox.

Timberly made quite a splash
on a reality dating show called--

- Fuck Buddy Mountain.
GORDON: Fuck Buddy Mountain.

- Your mom still comes to set
with you every day.

ZACK: She's been coming
to set with me my whole life.

CLAY: Dude, that's creepy.
- Could you say something to my mom?

- Yeah, what the fuck.

ZACK'S MOM:
Come in!

[purring]
-Oh boy.

- What if Zack finds out?
- Finds what out?

- Uh, that I couldn't
talk to your mom yet.

- Too hard, huh?
- No, no, I wouldn't say that.

- Not that.

- Did you read the rewrite?
They added a scene.

We're in bed.
- Oh!

REED:
That's actually kind of racy

compared to how tame
we had to keep it on network.

- What is that?
- Nothing. It's nothing.

- Doesn't feel like nothing!

I think you're confused
because of our history

and I think you
still have feelings for me.

- I do not still have feelings for you.

I am in a committed relationship.

- Right, with "Nora" who's a "real person"
in "New York City."

- Well this can't be good.

- Guess what?
I'm on mushrooms.

- I'm coming to get you.
Tell me exactly what you see.

- When my eyes are open,
I see a fence.

When they're closed, dragons.

- Bree? [groans] Shit.

- Die, dragon!
- Whoa!

- You have this superpower, man.

You actually have the rare gift
of being fuckin' funny.

You could make millions of people laugh.

And to put that out into the world,

that is as good and honorable thing
as a man can do.

- Come on, guys, let's bring it in.
"Step Right Up" on three.

- No reason to do that.
- All right.

One, two, three, "Step Right Up"!

- The comedy cavalry has arrived.

- Good morning!
ALAN: Sorry we're late.

We've been wandering
in Palm Desert for 40 years.

- We don't need a bunch of dinosaurs
in the writer's room.

- It's so funny you say that.

Alan ran the last two seasons
of "Dinosaurs" on ABC.

- Yeah, again, wrote for giant puppets
is not the mic drop you think it is.

♪