All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - S08E04 - Balancing.eng.SDH

Listen up, everyone.

We had a murder this morning,
the vic was found at 8:45

by a dog walker who let
herself into his apartment…

Oh, my God. It's Franzia.

This is the work of Johnny
Franzia, my white whale.

He's finally resurfaced.

Not this again. Yes, this again.

Johnny Franzia has been on a
murder spree for the past ten years.

And every time he kills
someone, he taunts me.

Look, there's a deck of cards.

You say that whenever
there's cards at a crime scene.

You know how many people own cards, Jake?

PERALTA: Then explain this.

Johnny Franzia's catch
phrase is "deuces are wild."

Now look around the apartment.

Two chairs, two paintings, two pillows.

There are three lamps. You think
Franzia gives a damn about lamps?

You sound so dumb right now.

This is why you don't
have an archnemesis, Terry,

because you focus on the wrong details.

Maybe I don't have an archnemesis
because I solve all my crimes.

That's a pretty [BLEEP]
thing to say to me.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

PERALTA: You wanted to see us, Captain?

I'm giving the murder to someone else.

What?
You're taking me off the Franzia case?

My God!

He got to you, didn't he?

HOLT: I assure you he did not.

I've never heard of Johnny
Franzia before today.

Well, it was mostly before you arrived.

Actually, your entire first year here,

I was convinced you were Franzia,

which I now realize is
completely ridiculous.

Or is it?

I have no investment in this backstory.
Right.

I'm taking you off the case because
because you both asked for reduced hours

to focus on childcare, and Santiago
has a big presentation this week.

If our pilot program to
reimagine how uniformed

officers are deployed gets funded,

it will represent a significant reform

for the NYPD.

Sir, we can take care of Mac

and still do both of our jobs.

Trust me, we've got this whole
parenting thing figured out.

It's true, we're great and Mac is great.

I mean, the only teeny-tiny issue

is that he isn't pulling himself up yet,

but the window for that
is nine to 12 months.

So the fact that he's ten months
old and he isn't doing it yet

doesn't mean that we're bad parents.

And I was reading that Simone Biles

went straight from crawling to walking,

so yeah, I guess I should
be "concerned" that my son

is on the same track as a
multiple gold medal winner.

I mean, get real, sir.

[SANTIAGO LAUGHS]

So, yeah, Mac's having, um,

a little trouble pulling up, but did that

convince you to give
us more responsibility?

Look, if you promise you can handle it,

I'll put you back on
the John Franzo case.

Franzia.

Johnny Franzia,

how could you forget that?

Unless… Get out. You got it.

HOLT: Thank you for
letting me stay with you, Diaz.

I'm sorry for imposing.

I assumed I'd be back with Kevin by now.

Oh, couples therapy isn't going well?
Well…

We're not back together.

Even after three full
sessions, that's three hours.

More if you include travel time.

Why would I include travel time?

It's a longer drive
for me than for Kevin,

so, I'm putting in more effort. Mmm.

I wonder why it's not going well.

Well, Kevin says it's because
all I care about is work.

But if that's true,

why did I leave work 13 minutes
early today to move in with you?

Well, you can stay as long as you like.

You're quiet, you're neat.

You're the perfect roommate.
I think Kevin would disagree.

He told Dr. Cheryl I'm
a sore loser at Scrabble.

How would he know that
when I win 78% of our matches?

Wow, you're a lot chattier
than I remember you being.

Oh, sorry, I promise I won't obsess
about Kevin the whole time I'm here.

Okay. Great.

Although I may break that promise because

according to Kevin, I'm a liar.

PERALTA: Ah, damn it!

Two of clubs is blank,
that's not like him.

So what are we missing here?

Two chairs, two paintings.

Oh, my God, the lamps.

But you told Terry that Franzia
didn't care about the lamps.

No, he loves lamps.

I was just feeling
attacked, so I lashed out.

But why three identical
lamps instead of two?

Because they're not actually identical.

The shade on this one is darker.

And…

Ooh! It's a black light.

Yes! Freaking two of clubs.

Turn off the overheads.

[GASPS] Franzia!

Hey, so don't freak out,

but apparently there
are several other groups

presenting reformed
proposals to One Police Plaza,

and only one will get funding.

Why would that make me freak out?

Because you can be a little competitive.

[SCOFFS] That's not true.

No one is less competitive than me.

No one.

Anyway, uh, here's who you're up against.

Allen Peters. Dud.

Mike Lynch. Dud.

Tad Green. Dud!

[GASPS]

Austin Grant. Who's Austin Grant?

Not a dud? Oh, he's a dud!

But he's a hot dud. He's a "hud."

He gets everything handed to him
because he looks so good in uniform.

Ugh! And he's pitching
predictive algorithmic policing.

That's just high tech racial profiling.

Okay, look, if this guy
is style over substance,

we just need to give you some style.

Check this out.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON PHONE]

Tiny Terry won the Little
Mr. Michigan pageant.

You just happen to
have a video of yourself

as a seven-year-old on your phone?

Big Terry's proud of Tiny Terry.

Look, the point is I can help you.

Terry, Terry! It's him.

It's really Franzia. Don't ask how I know

'cause it has nothing to do with lamps.

Jake!

What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?

BOTH: You're supposed to
be getting Mac from daycare!

SANTIAGO: He's finally down.

Did you miss anything
important with your case?

Yes, because jokers are wild.

Charles went to the "Joker" stairs

and there was graffiti
of the victim's name

written on a bus stop,
so Charles got on the bus,

took it to the end of the line where

there was a pay phone ringing.

He picked it up and there
was a voice on the other end

that told him a riddle.

What was the riddle? I don't know,
he had to go before he could tell me

because he noticed that his kitchen
window was mysteriously unlocked.

Stupid Franzia's probably
in his house right now

trying to murder him and his family.

At least he's not here
trying to murder me and Mac.

I appreciate you trying to
make me feel better, Ames,

but we both know
you're grasping at straws.

[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]

Thank God.
Charles is fine, Nobody in the house.

I would have been so jealous.

I'm sorry, babe, I'd say I'd take
over Mac's stuff for the week,

but I have to rewrite my whole
presentation to be snappier,

and also according to Terry,

I need to learn to walk with
my shoulders and not my feet.

It's okay.
What you're doing is super important.

I'll just scale back and let Charles
run point on the Franzia case.

No, none of us are scaling back.

We can be good parents
without sacrificing our careers.

We just have to work as a team.

You know what, yes,
you're right, we got this.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

All we need is each other.

There's been a lice outbreak at daycare

and they're closing
for the next two days.

What? No!

We need so much more than each other!

Ugh! Damn it, none of our
regular babysitters are available

and my parents are out of town.

And my brother David can't
help because he's in Sudan,

digging wells for somebody or something.

I don't know, I hung up on him.
My dad's out, too.

That's all he said, didn't give a reason.

Wait, I've got it, let's just
let Mac watch TV all day.

Jake, we've talked about this.

No screen time for
Mac until he turns two.

All this stress is making my head itch.

Yeah, it's weird, I've
actually been itchy myself.

No! Lice!

Scratching it makes it worse.
Is that true?

I don't know, We don't have
time to know what's true.

Okay, okay, let's just stay calm.

When I had lice in the fifth grade,

my mom put a bunch
of maple syrup in my hair

and it smothered them to death.

It was actually kind of cool.

You can hear their tiny screams.

No, that's a old home remedy.

Daycare actually recommends
a place where you go

and they comb the lice out for you.

I bet we'll be in and out in 20 minutes.

Six hours? Who has that kind of time?

So now what?

I mean, I guess there is one last option.

Please don't say it.
It worked for me in fifth grade.

I really don't want to.
It is kind of cool to hear the screaming.

Okay, fine, we'll do the syrup.
We're gonna do the syrup!

[HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Come on ♪

Oh, Amy!

What is that enchanting new perfume?

It's syrup, Scully. And it is working.

Mmm-hmm.

I think you just made Scully horny.

Ugh!

And then he called her
Cheryl, not Dr. Cheryl.

A clear attempt to delegitimize her.

Obviously, I agree
she has zero legitimacy.

I mean, she calls herself Dr. Cheryl.

Then, Kevin brings up
how Cheddar's French

comprehension has regressed.

Cheddars tutor says
it's because we're not

-speaking enough at home.
-[SLAMMING KNIFE]

Worst part is we used to share socks.

With an odd number, that
was a tense negotiation.

Enough!

All you do is talk about Kevin.
This needs to stop.

I'm sorry.
I wish I could stop thinking about him,

but he was my husband for 20 years.

If you know how I could just
erase him from my memory,

I'd love to hear it.

We could get really drunk.

Yes, let's try that.

Jake, Jake, Franzia was in my house.

I didn't see anything last night,

but when I showered this morning,

a new riddle appeared
in the steam on the mirror.

Oh, cool!

Cool, cool, cool.
I also saw a riddle while showering.

But we didn't shower this morning.

No, I know. It's just that
Charles and I have this agreement

that when I miss something
important on the case,

he pretends like I'm still involved.

It's normal. Anyways,

I'm sure our shower
riddles were the same.

No, I'm sure yours was better.

Just to be sure, why
don't you text me yours,

and I'll make sure it's the
same as mine and then we can

decode it together after
Ames and I find a sitter.

Great. Oh!
We already have three applicants.

Great, hire them.
I think we should interview them first.

But what if they're bad?

This really feels like fate

because I was arrested in this
precinct literally a year ago to the day.

Here, I bought a toy for the little guy.

Oh, thanks, that's very nice of you.

He's so soft, your son's really
gonna enjoy cuddling him.

Want to see me cuddle him?
I love cuddling.

Well, this went south very quickly.

I consider myself bit of a Mary Poppins.

Oh, how so?

♪ I'm your nanny I'll slap your fanny ♪

♪ Slap, slap, slap ♪

♪ Your fat little fanny ♪

Yeah, it's gonna be a no.

I got to get back to Franzia, so,

feels like we should go with the cuddler.

No, as much as I want to work,

we can't leave our son with some weirdo.
[SIGHS]

Maybe we ask someone in the precinct?
Everyone's working.

BOTH: Not everyone.

Sure, I'll watch Mac.

Don't worry, I've padded
all the sharp edges in here.

Wow, you already baby-proofed it?

No, it's my nap room.
You can take a nap anywhere in here.

Every surface is like a bed.

-BOTH: Ah.
-PERALTA: Works for us.

Okay, sorry, the babysitter thing
took a little longer than I was expecting.

But I solved part of the riddle.

A cat has ten lives.
I think the lives are numbers.

Wow, that's so smart.

I already solved the
riddle, it's a phone number.

But you're here now, we can call
it together. Okay, yeah, I guess.

Maybe he'll have a cool scary
modulated voice or something.

Yeah. All right.

[LINE RINGING]

-FRANZIA [DISTORTED VOICE]: Hello?
-Oh, my God, he does.

FRANZIA: You solved
my riddle, Detective Boyle.

And Detective Peralta.

I'm still on your tail and your
sick game is finally gonna…

SCULLY: Help! Help! Oh, seriously!

-Uh, Franzia, I gotta go real quick.
-FRANZIA: What?

You have to go?

Boyle will explain,
but I'm still on your tail.

And if you think that
jokers are really wild…

SCULLY: Jake!

All right, I'm coming, damn it!

SCULLY: Jake!

What happened? Is Mac okay?

Mac's fine, it's me.

There was one unpadded corner
and I stubbed my toe real bad.

Look.

[PERALTA, SANTIAGO EXCLAIM IN DISGUST]

Oh, God! I'm sorry.

I gotta go to the hospital.

Yeah, immediately, for so many reasons.

Come on. Gosh!

Is he okay? He's fine.

Ames, I'm sorry, but I think
we're all out of babysitters.

No, there is one option left.

[GASPS] His first screen time!

This is amazing, which Transformers
movie should he watch first?

There's an argument to be made
for Bumblebee as it is a prequel.

Jake… All right, fine.

Let it auto-play whatever
garbage it wants and let's go.

Okay. Here you go, Mac.

Here you go.

[CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING ON PHONE]

[MAC CRYING]

Yeah, we deserve that.

Oof, I am hungover. How you feeling?

Not good at all.

You were supposed to
watch out for me, Diaz.

Good news is the heavy drinking worked.

You didn't mention Kevin one time.

Oh, that is an accomplishment.

Unfortunately, it appears
that I did think about him

at least once last night.

What do you mean? At 3:30 a.m.,
I seem to have sent Kevin…

a digital phallus portrait.

A digital phallus portrait? What is that?

[GASPS] Oh no, you
sent him a [BLEEP] pic.

-[MAC CRYING]
-[SHUSHING]

Please stop crying, I'm so tired.

Maybe we'd all be better rested
if we hadn't woken up at 3 a.m.

I'm sorry, I've never slept
with syrup in my hair before.

I didn't know that was going to happen.

Ants! Ants in the bed! Who?

There's ants in the bed!

There's ants! There's ants!

My presentation is today, and
I'm not showing up in a shower cap.

[EXHALES DEEPLY] What are we gonna do?

There's only one thing left to do.

We're gonna blow-dry these
sons of bitches straight to hell.

Gotta say, worked great.

Although I guess my hair
took it a little better than yours.

And why the glasses?

Mac knocked my last contacts
into the toilet while I was blow-drying.

Gotta hand it to him, it's a solid prank.

Although I must say, this
look kind of works for you.

Jake we don't have
time for your nerd fetish,

we are so late.

I know. You know what? Let's not waste
any more time looking for babysitters.

We'll just take Mac into work with us.

See Ames? We got this.

Yeah, this is not gonna be hard.

Wanna know why?
'Cause we're great parents.

In fact, we forgot Mac.

We left our child inside. [GASPS]

Uh… Get the keys.

Okay, I'll take Mac
first so you can start

practicing your presentation.

Okay.

Jake, I think I figured
something out about the toolbox.

Toolbox? Franzia sent me a toolbox.

It turned out to be a puzzle.

[SIGHS] It was so boring.

Charles, it wasn't boring.
I know what you're doing.

Just tell me what happened.

Okay, so I ran it for prints

and there was a partial on the wrench.

It belongs to a guy named Eric Marsh,

who works as a handyman
in the victim's building.

We have to bring him in. Already done.

He's in interrogation right
now, just waiting for you.

Oh. [SIGHS]

But I have Mac for the next hour.

I can't run an interrogation.

Unless…

How did your prints end
up on a wrench that was sent

to this police station?

The wrench went missing two weeks ago.

I thought someone took it
out of the back of my truck.

Of course, that sounds

totally reasonable, Eric.

Or should I call you by your real name?

Johnny Franzia!

I don't know who that is. Uh-oh!

Something stinks,
something stinks real bad.

Did you poop? No.

You did. You pooped.

Oh God, it's everywhere.

What did you eat, buddy?

Today, I had some oatmeal.

Here's what's gonna happen,
I'm gonna lie you down.

I'm gonna take your pants off,

and I'm gonna wipe your little tushy.

What is going on?
I actually have the same question.

Hold on one second. Jake?

Why did I send Kevin an obscene picture?

Relax, it's not a big
deal, you were just flirting.

No. If I were flirting, I would
have sent him a scatter plot

of educational attainment versus
caloric intake in Jacobin, France.

This is as if I've sent him a

bar graph. Are bar graphs bad?

It reduces robust
datasets to a single point.

Get your head out off your ass!

I'm sorry, I'm just panicking
thinking about what Kevin

will do when he sees it.

Wait, you don't think he's seen it yet?

No, Kevin only checks his email
once a day at exactly 4 p.m.

You didn't text it to him?

We're not teens.
Let's delete it off his computer then.

Yes, that could work. Kevin has
virtual office hours at 2 p.m.

At the same time, Cheddar
will be taking a French lesson

with his tutor Monsieur Arnaud.

We will have one hour exactement.

Here is Kevin's laptop. Great.

"Dear Kevin, attached
please find a picture

of my penis. Sincerely, Raymond Holt."

Deleted.

[BARKING]

Cheddar, no, s'il vous plaît, no!

His class must have ended early. Shut up.

-Shh.
-KEVIN: Hello?

-Is someone upstairs?
-[CHEDDAR BARKS]

[IN LULLABY TUNE] ♪ Hello, Charles ♪

♪ Fill me in, any breaks in the case? ♪

[WHISPERS] If you sing everything
as a lullaby, Mac won't wake up.

[IN LULLABY TUNE] ♪ I understand ♪

♪ The handyman, has an alibi ♪

♪ But I found something else ♪

-[WHISPERS] You sound great.
-[WHISPERS] Thank you.

♪ The lab techs analyzed
Franzia's phone call ♪

♪ There were two other voices ♪

♪ In the background ♪

[VOICE OVER RECORDING]
Oh, who's a good boy?

Who wants another bite?
[BABY COOING OVER RECORDING]

Wait, is that Scully feeding Mac?

Was Franzia inside the building?

No, his voice is playing over
a speaker in the background.

Franzia must've bugged the precinct.

And he was listening
to it when we called him.

[MAC FUSSING]

[SHUSHING]

But why would he
bug Scully's nap closet?

♪ 'Cause he didn't, bug the closet ♪

♪ He bugged something, brought inside ♪

♪ Oh, my God ♪

♪ Franzia was, the weird babysitter ♪

♪ He gave the bug, right to you ♪

BOTH: ♪ Son of a bitch ♪

Amy, we gotta talk.

I just got a call from One Police Plaza.

They said they were trying
to reach you all morning.

Mac broke my phone. What do they want?

They moved your presentation
up, you're on in 20 minutes!

Twenty minutes?

Amy, we know where Franzia is.

We're gonna arrest him.
I need you to take Mac.

No, you need to take Mac.

-I have to go right now!
-PERALTA: So do I!

What do we do?

I guess we could call that
creepy babysitter you like so much.

The babysitter is Franzia!

Even better, two birds with
one stone, we bring him to you!

We're not giving our
baby to a serial killer!

Oh, grow up! Come on!

Amy, if we miss this presentation,

that's the end of the pilot program.

Jake, SWAT is on their way,
we have to go to Franzia's now.

This is our best chance at police reform.
Franzia, Lieutenant.

Franzia? Reform, Boyle, reform.

Okay, enough. Charles is right.

Jake has waited years for this.

No, he can make the arrest without me.

Without you, there is no presentation.

I'll take Mac.

Are you sure?

Yes, absolutely.

All right, now go.
Everyone, get out of here, come on.

I love you. Love you.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

[GASPS] Oh, crap, there's Austin.

JEFFORDS: Oh damn, he is a "hud."

Okay, okay, let's just be cool. Yeah.

Here, hold my glasses.

-Hey, Austin, long time, no…
-[THUDDING]

mmm, see.

Santiago, are you okay?

[CHUCKLES] Oh, yeah, great.

You look good. Thanks, I know.

And you have a very

-brave hairstyle?
-[DOOR OPENS]

Thank you.
Sergeant Santiago, we're ready for you.

I look insane, what am I gonna do?

Okay, style over
substance is clearly out.

But if anyone can
substance the crap out of this,

it's Amy Santiago.

You're right, I can do this.

Substance over style.

Oh! Mmm.

Come on, Amy.

-[BARKING]
-KEVIN: Hello?

Raymond. What are you doing here?

Kevin, I didn't know you were home.

I came by to get a book.

The History of the Crusades,

volume 3, 1123 to 1137.

Why did you need it?
I had an urgent question.

About what? The atabeg of Mosul.

Jikirmish? Zengi.

But you already know
everything about Zengi.

True. It was Diaz's question, um,

and I was embarrassed for her.

And what was your question, Diaz?

I wanted to know who Zengi is.

Yes, that is embarrassing, I can
see why you tried to cover for her.

Well, it's that's all. It is, uh…

Just Zengi.

Just Zengi.

All right then.

Goodbye.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

How'd it go? Good.

They liked the thesis and
I was clear on the data.

Just one problem, I
realized halfway through

that these sweatpants are
from a bachelorette party

I went to and they say WAP on the butt.

I told them it stands
for "We All Police."

Hey, wish me luck in there.

Did your teeth get whiter?

That's an illusion.
My smile's so symmetrical,

it makes my teeth seem brighter.

Well, good luck.

[GASPS] Oh! What the hell?

Austin, we're…

Everything okay? He peed himself.

[CLEARS THROAT] That… No.

That's funny, same thing happened
to Alex Nelson at Little Mr. Michigan.

What? Tiny Terry did what he had to do.

So, right as we get there,

Franzia disappears into these
crazy underground tunnels.

So we have to switch
over to night vision…

Charles, it's all so awesome,
but I actually have to stop you

because I gotta go.

I have to feed this baby
some mushed-up avocado…

Oh, my God. What happened?

Is Mac okay?

He just pulled himself up.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, did Kevin seem weird
to you when we told him

we were only there for that book?

Think he didn't believe us?
No, he seemed sad.

I think he was disappointed that you
were there for the book and not for him.

Maybe you should let him
know you've been missing him.

Huh, well

it might be worth a shot.

-[PHONE CHIMES]
-What did you just do?

I texted him a picture of
my penis like you suggested.

No, ugh!

I meant for you to call him and tell
him you've been thinking about him.

Why didn't you say that?

I thought it was understood.

Hold on, he's writing back.

Well, what did he say?
It's a link to a graph.

It's a scatter plot with
a very robust dataset.

Well… [CHUCKLES]

That escalated quickly.

Hey. Hey, how did the presentation go?

Well, they just called and… I won.

What?
I have authorization to start immediately.

Wait, you won? That's amazing.

Why aren't you more excited?
Why aren't you dork-dancing?

'Cause you had to miss your
thing and I didn't want to rub it in,

so, I celebrated in the
hallway before I walked in.

Yes! Yeah. Oh, oh!

How did it go here with Mac?

Fine. Mellow.

He pulled himself up. Wait, what?

That's huge! He's in the window.

Why are you downplaying this?

Well, I just figured you would
be bummed you missed it.

Ugh, this sucks, you
didn't get to arrest Franzia,

I didn't get to see Mac pull up.

I guess we really can't do it all.

I don't know, I mean,

you got to do the work thing
and I got to do the parent thing.

So, together,

we did do it all.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

It still totally sucks though.

Yeah, I'm really bummed.

I'm gonna get ready for bed.

Okay.

You're gonna wake up Mac
and see if he'll pull up, aren't you?

Obviously, he is not
sleeping until he does it again.

All right. Well, don't go without
me, 'cause I wanna see it.