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synced and corrected by peritta
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Previously on "You Me Her... "
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I'm talking about an escort.
4
00:00:08,118 --> 00:00:10,453
Here's my deal... I have to
charge you guys a premium.
5
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It's a clearly defined
business arrangement.
6
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Em and I are having crazy sex.
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The real why I hired you is
to save my marriage actually.
8
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I think I'm officially the
chick in this relationship.
9
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Is that right?
10
00:00:19,255 --> 00:00:20,863
Why are we spying on the Trakarskys?
11
00:00:20,864 --> 00:00:22,198
We aren't spying, honey.
12
00:00:22,199 --> 00:00:25,668
My wife Lori accepted a seat
13
00:00:25,669 --> 00:00:28,204
on the Hamilton School Alumni Board.
14
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What were you doing for three hours?
15
00:00:30,540 --> 00:00:32,642
Um...
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00:00:34,745 --> 00:00:36,045
What are you doing?
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00:00:36,046 --> 00:00:37,513
Sleeping.
18
00:00:37,514 --> 00:00:40,550
Well, fuck.
19
00:00:56,733 --> 00:00:58,267
No, no, no, no, no, no.
20
00:00:58,268 --> 00:00:59,935
What?
21
00:00:59,936 --> 00:01:02,271
- Wrong... no, down, down, down.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
22
00:01:02,272 --> 00:01:04,307
- Is that it?
- Yeah, that's it.
23
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You can hold this this long?
24
00:01:12,949 --> 00:01:15,252
Yeah. Lots of Pilates.
25
00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:18,721
Is this working for you?
26
00:01:29,266 --> 00:01:30,666
Wow.
27
00:01:30,667 --> 00:01:33,502
It feels like we gave
an orgasm to everyone
28
00:01:33,503 --> 00:01:35,771
within a two-mile radius.
29
00:01:35,772 --> 00:01:37,239
They must be so confused.
30
00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:39,275
Yeah, holy shit. My
whole body's vibrating.
31
00:01:39,276 --> 00:01:40,976
Do you think...
32
00:01:40,977 --> 00:01:43,212
Do you think other people do it like this?
33
00:01:43,213 --> 00:01:45,081
I think we just reinvented sex.
34
00:01:45,082 --> 00:01:49,552
We should contact the editors
of appropriate medical journals.
35
00:01:49,553 --> 00:01:51,287
I know this is gonna sound kind of crazy,
36
00:01:51,288 --> 00:01:54,356
but I kind of wish we'd filmed it.
37
00:01:54,357 --> 00:01:55,858
We were damn sexy.
38
00:01:55,859 --> 00:01:57,927
Badass motherfucking sexy.
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I feel like I'm shooting
40
00:01:59,196 --> 00:02:00,529
pheromones off everywhere, you know,
41
00:02:00,530 --> 00:02:03,299
just like breaking windows.
42
00:02:03,300 --> 00:02:04,800
What got into you?
43
00:02:04,801 --> 00:02:06,135
I think it was a ring finger,
44
00:02:06,136 --> 00:02:07,870
but you would know better than I would.
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You think you're funny, and that's...
46
00:02:10,006 --> 00:02:12,208
that's so sweet.
47
00:02:21,551 --> 00:02:25,321
Can I say something that will
almost certainly extinguish
48
00:02:25,322 --> 00:02:27,890
- this beautiful afterglow?
- Might as well.
49
00:02:27,891 --> 00:02:30,893
I think we've milked it for
all it's worth, anyway, so...
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00:02:30,894 --> 00:02:35,631
When we used to have sex, like,
before these past three days,
51
00:02:35,632 --> 00:02:38,968
I always felt kind of
relieved afterwards, you know?
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00:02:38,969 --> 00:02:42,004
Like it was something we
didn't have to worry about
53
00:02:42,005 --> 00:02:43,539
for another week or so.
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00:02:43,540 --> 00:02:46,542
Like we didn't have a problem?
55
00:02:46,543 --> 00:02:48,445
Yeah.
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00:02:55,385 --> 00:02:58,654
What if it's all Izzy?
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It's not Izzy.
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It's us.
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00:03:14,437 --> 00:03:16,906
So things are good, young Jackson?
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00:03:16,907 --> 00:03:18,707
Whoa, hey. Geez.
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00:03:18,708 --> 00:03:21,524
- Yeah, things are good with me.
- Yeah?
62
00:03:21,526 --> 00:03:25,748
Everything's as it was, status quo?
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00:03:25,749 --> 00:03:27,883
Same old, same old, huh?
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00:03:27,884 --> 00:03:29,218
Nothing new in your
life, nothing exciting,
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00:03:29,219 --> 00:03:33,756
nothing, well, unique or exotic?
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00:03:33,757 --> 00:03:35,758
You know that I know you know, right?
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00:03:35,759 --> 00:03:37,793
- I do now, okay.
- Okay.
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00:03:37,794 --> 00:03:42,398
So, I guess that means that
Carmen wasn't yoga pooping.
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00:03:42,399 --> 00:03:44,934
I don't know what that's supposed to mean,
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00:03:44,935 --> 00:03:46,435
but I don't like it.
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00:03:46,436 --> 00:03:48,070
- The point is, you know.
- Yeah.
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00:03:48,071 --> 00:03:50,139
- I definitely know, so?
- So?
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00:03:51,751 --> 00:03:52,813
So, that's it.
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00:03:52,815 --> 00:03:55,011
Lay it on me, man. I know you have
something to say. We don't drink coffee.
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00:03:55,013 --> 00:03:57,693
- You've never invited me for coffee once.
- What's wrong with a nice coffee?
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00:03:57,695 --> 00:03:59,036
There's nothing wrong with
it, but we don't do it.
77
00:03:59,038 --> 00:03:59,738
- Well...
- It's not our thing,
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00:03:59,739 --> 00:04:00,739
so I know there's some other reason.
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00:04:00,873 --> 00:04:03,052
- You have some ulterior motive.
- I think you're a fucking moron.
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- There it is.
- Okay? There, I said it.
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Mm-hmm.
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I mean, my God. What are you doing?
83
00:04:07,924 --> 00:04:09,725
Everybody imagines another person
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when they're with their partner, sure.
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00:04:10,961 --> 00:04:12,386
Put that in the back of your mind,
86
00:04:12,388 --> 00:04:13,989
you close your eyes, three,
four minutes, you're done.
87
00:04:13,991 --> 00:04:15,664
You forget about it. You
want to actually do this?
88
00:04:15,665 --> 00:04:18,167
Are you out of your fucking mind?
89
00:04:18,301 --> 00:04:20,068
This coffee is really good, though.
90
00:04:20,971 --> 00:04:23,199
- In what way, specifically?
- I don't know.
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00:04:23,201 --> 00:04:25,736
It's bold without being bitter.
92
00:04:25,842 --> 00:04:27,510
I feel like I'm tasting something sweet.
93
00:04:27,511 --> 00:04:28,978
- Is it cranberry?
- Fuck you.
94
00:04:28,979 --> 00:04:30,613
I'm talking... like, why is it so crazy?
95
00:04:30,614 --> 00:04:32,481
What is... we're all consenting adults,
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00:04:32,482 --> 00:04:34,083
so what makes the whole situation crazy?
97
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- I don't get it.
- Consenting adults?
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00:04:35,585 --> 00:04:36,797
Is that how you talk now?
99
00:04:36,813 --> 00:04:38,439
What, did you just come
back from Burning Man?
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00:04:38,441 --> 00:04:40,515
This is not the Jack and
Emma that we know, okay?
101
00:04:40,516 --> 00:04:41,418
What does that mean?
102
00:04:41,324 --> 00:04:42,096
I don't even know what that's...
103
00:04:42,097 --> 00:04:42,997
- "Consenting adults."
- Get out of here.
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00:04:43,059 --> 00:04:44,183
- Who are you?
- Are you insulting us now?
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00:04:44,185 --> 00:04:45,556
Because we are still the same people...
106
00:04:45,558 --> 00:04:47,863
No, hey, let's go get you
some robes and some muumuus
107
00:04:47,864 --> 00:04:50,198
and whatever velvet...
whatever you want to wear.
108
00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:51,834
Cavalier attitude towards Chlamydia.
109
00:04:51,835 --> 00:04:53,502
First person in this fucking town
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00:04:53,503 --> 00:04:55,371
to do something new and I get shit for it.
111
00:04:55,372 --> 00:04:58,374
Oh, yeah? All of us plebeians, huh?
112
00:04:58,375 --> 00:05:02,278
Just monogamous zombies just
lurching towards an abyss,
113
00:05:02,279 --> 00:05:04,446
looking for brains.
114
00:05:04,447 --> 00:05:06,749
"One brain. I'm monogamous."
115
00:05:06,750 --> 00:05:09,451
You put it that way. I didn't.
116
00:05:09,452 --> 00:05:11,353
You sound a little jealous, man.
117
00:05:13,023 --> 00:05:15,691
Jealous? You think I'm
jealous of your situation?
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00:05:15,692 --> 00:05:17,359
- 'Cause you get to sleep with two women?
- Yep.
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00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:18,991
You think that's a big deal
to me? I've done that before.
120
00:05:18,993 --> 00:05:21,363
Big deal. I'm a little jealous,
if I'm being honest with you.
121
00:05:21,364 --> 00:05:23,632
How is it? Is it amazing?
Do you do two in one day?
122
00:05:23,633 --> 00:05:25,401
Do you have to, like,
wash your balls in between?
123
00:05:25,402 --> 00:05:27,236
That'd be polite, right?
That's good manners.
124
00:05:27,237 --> 00:05:28,570
Actually I haven't done much.
125
00:05:28,571 --> 00:05:30,205
- I mean, we're still...
- What?
126
00:05:30,206 --> 00:05:32,207
We're still trying to
figure out the ground rules.
127
00:05:32,208 --> 00:05:34,944
The guidelines and stuff,
I haven't figured it out.
128
00:05:34,945 --> 00:05:36,679
- What have you done?
- Not much.
129
00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:38,180
We have, like, a "no penetration" rule,
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00:05:38,181 --> 00:05:40,416
- which I'm still...
- I'm sorry?
131
00:05:40,417 --> 00:05:42,351
- No penis or not penetration?
- I don't know.
132
00:05:42,352 --> 00:05:43,919
We're still trying to figure
that out, to be honest.
133
00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:45,254
But then they can still have sex.
134
00:05:45,255 --> 00:05:46,722
I know, it's kind of unfair, right?
135
00:05:46,723 --> 00:05:48,190
'Cause the vaginas... they
don't need penetration.
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00:05:48,191 --> 00:05:49,658
They just... you know, they mush together.
137
00:05:49,659 --> 00:05:51,060
All I'm saying is I need
clarification on this.
138
00:05:51,061 --> 00:05:52,394
I mean, if you want to find the G-spot,
139
00:05:52,395 --> 00:05:54,063
you can't use a penis, as far as I know.
140
00:05:54,064 --> 00:05:55,698
- I've never...
- You've got to use fingers.
141
00:05:55,699 --> 00:05:58,233
To be honest, I've never found
a G-spot in my fucking life.
142
00:05:58,234 --> 00:05:59,601
So, is it no penis or no penetration,
143
00:05:59,602 --> 00:06:01,136
'cause if it's no penis, you're screwed
144
00:06:01,137 --> 00:06:02,671
because you can penetrate
with other things.
145
00:06:02,672 --> 00:06:05,908
You don't need a penis... fingers, tongue.
146
00:06:05,909 --> 00:06:08,744
strap-ons, butt plugs, vibrators.
147
00:06:08,745 --> 00:06:10,846
- I don't know, man.
- Fruit.
148
00:06:10,847 --> 00:06:12,648
Whatever's around the house.
149
00:06:12,649 --> 00:06:15,885
So, is that it? That's
all you came here to say?
150
00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:20,789
Oh, okay, I'm not supposed
to be telling you this, but...
151
00:06:20,790 --> 00:06:22,291
Okay.
152
00:06:22,292 --> 00:06:24,593
Carmen thinks that Emma
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00:06:24,594 --> 00:06:28,797
doesn't just enjoy your
new friend's company.
154
00:06:28,798 --> 00:06:31,100
Okay, she thinks she's, like...
155
00:06:31,101 --> 00:06:32,935
you know.
156
00:06:32,936 --> 00:06:34,503
She's talking about her like...
157
00:06:34,504 --> 00:06:36,405
- Like, is smitten by her.
- Smitten?
158
00:06:36,406 --> 00:06:38,741
- Yeah.
- She said that?
159
00:06:38,742 --> 00:06:39,975
No, that's what I'm saying.
160
00:06:39,976 --> 00:06:42,211
What about you, Jack?
161
00:06:42,212 --> 00:06:44,147
Are you smitten?
162
00:07:07,937 --> 00:07:09,738
Okay, I almost don't want to know,
163
00:07:09,739 --> 00:07:11,840
but are you planning on doing something
164
00:07:11,841 --> 00:07:14,676
weird with the raisins, or...
165
00:07:14,677 --> 00:07:16,412
No. God, no.
166
00:07:16,413 --> 00:07:19,782
Well, then why are you picking them out?
167
00:07:19,783 --> 00:07:23,852
Because I enjoy the essence
left behind by the raisins
168
00:07:23,853 --> 00:07:27,523
- far more than the raisins themselves.
- Hmm.
169
00:07:27,524 --> 00:07:32,194
Like how memories are often
better than what actually was?
170
00:07:32,195 --> 00:07:34,463
Yeah, okay, sure. Make
it a thing, Sigmund.
171
00:07:40,537 --> 00:07:42,638
Hmm.
172
00:07:42,639 --> 00:07:44,540
I'm gonna take a leap here
173
00:07:44,541 --> 00:07:46,208
and guess that Randy isn't really good
174
00:07:46,209 --> 00:07:48,877
at fixing stuff, but
that Randy's into hands.
175
00:07:48,878 --> 00:07:50,679
- Mm-hmm.
- Mmm.
176
00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:54,817
Well, my hands because they're adorable.
177
00:07:54,818 --> 00:07:57,219
Yeah, those are, like,
weird, freaky kid hands.
178
00:07:57,220 --> 00:07:58,854
Hi, I'm Izzy.
179
00:07:58,855 --> 00:08:00,222
- Uh-huh. Okay, that's enough.
- I have baby hands.
180
00:08:00,223 --> 00:08:01,557
Yeah, yeah, put them away.
181
00:08:01,558 --> 00:08:02,825
Okay, why... why are you blowing him off?
182
00:08:02,826 --> 00:08:04,427
You didn't have time for a mani?
183
00:08:07,197 --> 00:08:09,698
Being a little rough on
the handyman, aren't you?
184
00:08:09,699 --> 00:08:11,668
Mm.
185
00:08:15,905 --> 00:08:17,873
Oh, sorry. I forgot.
186
00:08:17,874 --> 00:08:20,909
You're on call for the Griswolds.
187
00:08:20,910 --> 00:08:23,312
Well, you know, I had my
date with Emma last night.
188
00:08:23,313 --> 00:08:25,914
We were on the rooftop
189
00:08:25,915 --> 00:08:28,016
of the tallest building in Yamhill.
190
00:08:28,017 --> 00:08:30,385
- It was pretty awesome.
- Okay, no.
191
00:08:30,386 --> 00:08:31,720
No, that is not a session.
192
00:08:31,721 --> 00:08:35,991
That's like a fucking
lesbian romance novel.
193
00:08:35,992 --> 00:08:39,228
Okay. Let me just get this straight.
194
00:08:39,229 --> 00:08:41,930
So, in your damaged mind,
195
00:08:41,931 --> 00:08:46,201
letting a guy lick my dirty,
sticky hands is A-okay,
196
00:08:46,202 --> 00:08:47,703
but having a toss-and-tumble
197
00:08:47,704 --> 00:08:49,204
on a rooftop is just,
like, inexplicable...
198
00:08:49,205 --> 00:08:51,273
You're falling for a married woman.
199
00:08:51,274 --> 00:08:52,841
You're, like, mooning over selfies
200
00:08:52,842 --> 00:08:54,610
of the two of you, so yes, dipshit,
201
00:08:54,611 --> 00:08:57,279
- that is much, much worse.
- Okay.
202
00:08:57,280 --> 00:09:00,783
May I remind you that it
is a program, you know?
203
00:09:00,784 --> 00:09:02,451
A finite business arrangement
204
00:09:02,452 --> 00:09:04,453
- that we agreed upon like adults.
- No, no.
205
00:09:04,454 --> 00:09:07,256
You are playing with matches, young lady,
206
00:09:07,257 --> 00:09:09,378
and you might just burn
down a real-life marriage.
207
00:09:09,379 --> 00:09:12,227
Wow. Well, you're being
the voice of reason,
208
00:09:12,228 --> 00:09:15,697
and that is fucking terrifying.
209
00:09:15,698 --> 00:09:17,699
What do you think is gonna happen here?
210
00:09:17,700 --> 00:09:20,169
I mean, just give me like... I don't know.
211
00:09:20,170 --> 00:09:22,604
Give me, like, two seconds of
relative lucidity and tell me
212
00:09:22,605 --> 00:09:26,708
how this ends without somebody
getting seriously hurt.
213
00:09:26,709 --> 00:09:28,811
Most likely you.
214
00:09:32,081 --> 00:09:36,819
Well, you've ruined my
morning, so, thank you.
215
00:09:46,462 --> 00:09:48,664
Hey.
216
00:09:48,665 --> 00:09:50,832
'Sup, Jack?
217
00:09:50,833 --> 00:09:52,501
Ava, come on. Seriously.
218
00:09:52,502 --> 00:09:54,970
- How many times... It's Mr. Trakarsky, okay?
- Hmm.
219
00:09:54,971 --> 00:09:57,239
- Here and everywhere else. It's actually Dr. Trakarsky.
- Mm-hmm.
220
00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:59,975
Do you see... but I'm not pretentious.
221
00:09:59,976 --> 00:10:02,744
- So Mr. Trakarsky...
- No, you know, Dean Trakarsky.
222
00:10:02,745 --> 00:10:04,313
- Well, maybe.
- Yeah?
223
00:10:04,314 --> 00:10:06,315
You know, hello, Berkeley.
224
00:10:06,316 --> 00:10:08,517
- No.
- I'm Ava.
225
00:10:08,518 --> 00:10:09,970
No, you're not gonna get
any preferential treatment
226
00:10:09,971 --> 00:10:11,550
if that's what you think, okay?
227
00:10:11,421 --> 00:10:12,360
If you want to go to Berkeley,
228
00:10:12,361 --> 00:10:13,600
you got to do what everybody else does.
229
00:10:13,690 --> 00:10:15,324
So who is that chick who got dropped off
230
00:10:15,325 --> 00:10:17,526
at your house two nights ago?
231
00:10:17,527 --> 00:10:19,127
Hmm?
232
00:10:19,128 --> 00:10:21,663
Um...
233
00:10:21,664 --> 00:10:22,865
The...
234
00:10:22,866 --> 00:10:24,266
Earth to neighbor dude.
235
00:10:24,267 --> 00:10:25,767
- No, what?
- Hmm?
236
00:10:25,768 --> 00:10:27,502
It'd be... which...
237
00:10:27,503 --> 00:10:30,472
Dropped by around 7:00?
238
00:10:30,473 --> 00:10:33,875
Like, the cleaning lady, or...
239
00:10:33,876 --> 00:10:36,011
Why are you being so weird?
240
00:10:36,012 --> 00:10:38,213
Your "Lolita" act is not going over well
241
00:10:38,214 --> 00:10:39,815
on me or anyone else.
242
00:10:39,816 --> 00:10:43,719
I'm just intoxicated with
my newly discovered power.
243
00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:45,654
Ow, that is...
244
00:10:45,655 --> 00:10:48,824
I'm basically a monkey with a gun.
245
00:10:48,825 --> 00:10:50,459
Monkey with a gun. What is that?
246
00:10:50,460 --> 00:10:51,727
Is that from your shrink?
247
00:10:51,728 --> 00:10:54,229
So, enough about me, hmm?
248
00:10:54,230 --> 00:10:57,466
Who was the chick?
249
00:10:57,467 --> 00:10:59,134
Why do I have to tell you that?
250
00:10:59,135 --> 00:11:00,769
And why don't you want to?
251
00:11:00,770 --> 00:11:02,871
- Because... well, there's...
- Mm-hmm.
252
00:11:02,872 --> 00:11:05,073
Okay, she was my... she's my niece.
253
00:11:05,074 --> 00:11:08,410
There. Simple as that.
254
00:11:08,411 --> 00:11:11,179
- Hmm.
- She's Jackie.
255
00:11:11,180 --> 00:11:14,750
Is everyone in your family
named some derivative of Jack?
256
00:11:14,751 --> 00:11:18,086
Not... no, I mean, there's...
there's several of us
257
00:11:18,087 --> 00:11:21,556
because I had a great-great-grand...
258
00:11:21,557 --> 00:11:23,058
We had a great-grandfather named Jack
259
00:11:23,059 --> 00:11:25,260
who was like pretty much most important,
260
00:11:25,261 --> 00:11:26,695
you know, in the family.
261
00:11:26,696 --> 00:11:29,197
He was very well-regarded
in the community.
262
00:11:29,198 --> 00:11:31,099
- Like a prominent...
- So.
263
00:11:31,100 --> 00:11:35,337
You have a niece... in her 20s.
264
00:11:35,338 --> 00:11:37,839
Wow.
265
00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:39,942
You must be old as shit.
266
00:11:39,943 --> 00:11:42,111
Come on. Again with the language.
267
00:11:43,646 --> 00:11:46,014
God.
268
00:11:46,015 --> 00:11:48,016
I have an older sister.
269
00:11:48,017 --> 00:11:50,952
- She's 11 years old than me, and she...
- Wow.
270
00:11:50,953 --> 00:11:53,522
She has a daughter who's my niece.
271
00:11:53,523 --> 00:11:56,558
And she just transferred to
Griffin, so she's new in town.
272
00:11:56,559 --> 00:11:58,794
So you haven't seen her, but
I have 'cause she's my niece.
273
00:11:58,795 --> 00:12:00,629
- Mm.
- And she came over.
274
00:12:00,630 --> 00:12:04,099
- She stopped by for a visit.
- For, like, an hour.
275
00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:06,568
I don't know how long it was.
I wasn't... I wasn't timing it.
276
00:12:06,569 --> 00:12:08,437
Whatever. Mm.
277
00:12:08,438 --> 00:12:11,239
My mom thinks you guys are weird, so...
278
00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:14,576
Wait, what? Your mom thinks we're weird?
279
00:12:14,577 --> 00:12:17,646
You know, it's probably spite.
280
00:12:17,647 --> 00:12:19,748
Lori's big on the spite.
281
00:12:19,749 --> 00:12:23,385
Why would she have any spite towards me?
282
00:12:23,386 --> 00:12:26,455
Neighborhoods are a lot like high school.
283
00:12:26,456 --> 00:12:29,491
You cool kids don't hang out
with her or Paul very often.
284
00:12:29,492 --> 00:12:31,727
You call both your parents
by the first names, as well?
285
00:12:31,728 --> 00:12:33,495
Yeah, they totally hate it.
286
00:12:35,164 --> 00:12:38,934
Yeah, and your mom's now
on the Alumni Board, right?
287
00:12:38,935 --> 00:12:40,502
I know.
288
00:12:40,503 --> 00:12:42,605
Eek, right?
289
00:12:45,241 --> 00:12:46,675
Eek.
290
00:12:46,676 --> 00:12:48,944
Let me guess. You're
nervous as hell, right?
291
00:12:48,945 --> 00:12:50,746
I was a mess all day yesterday.
292
00:12:50,747 --> 00:12:53,248
We have a serious fucking Lori problem.
293
00:12:53,249 --> 00:12:55,183
- A Lori problem?
- Yes.
294
00:12:55,184 --> 00:12:58,754
Ava just asked who that
"chick" was at our house.
295
00:12:58,755 --> 00:13:01,690
Apparently both she and
Lori saw Izzy get dropped off
296
00:13:01,691 --> 00:13:03,158
and then leave within, like, an hour,
297
00:13:03,159 --> 00:13:05,627
which is pretty fucking hard to explain.
298
00:13:05,628 --> 00:13:07,129
Ava's 16, Jack.
299
00:13:07,130 --> 00:13:09,197
Oh, yeah, you just keep
telling yourself that, okay?
300
00:13:09,198 --> 00:13:11,533
Oh, God, you know, I
usually tell this to my kids,
301
00:13:11,534 --> 00:13:13,368
but I think it applies
to our situation now.
302
00:13:13,369 --> 00:13:15,203
And that is, you know,
303
00:13:15,204 --> 00:13:17,005
maybe we should get off the train tracks
304
00:13:17,006 --> 00:13:18,440
before the train runs us over.
305
00:13:18,441 --> 00:13:20,709
So, you think Ava and Lori assume
306
00:13:20,710 --> 00:13:22,277
a young woman visiting our house
307
00:13:22,278 --> 00:13:25,147
automatically means
we're having a three-way?
308
00:13:25,148 --> 00:13:28,316
I... I told her she was my niece,
309
00:13:28,317 --> 00:13:30,652
- Val's daughter.
- Well, did she buy it?
310
00:13:30,653 --> 00:13:32,721
God, I hope so.
311
00:13:32,722 --> 00:13:34,389
By the way, Lori is pissed at us.
312
00:13:34,390 --> 00:13:36,825
She thinks we leave her
out of stuff, apparently.
313
00:13:36,826 --> 00:13:38,593
Lori, who is now, you know,
314
00:13:38,594 --> 00:13:40,662
- on the Alumni Board.
- Babe.
315
00:13:40,663 --> 00:13:42,230
Babe, just take a breath.
316
00:13:42,231 --> 00:13:44,366
Take a breath. Breathe.
317
00:13:44,367 --> 00:13:46,902
I am trying, Em, but I need this.
318
00:13:46,903 --> 00:13:50,705
- I want to be Dean of this place... of Hamilton.
- Of course you do.
319
00:13:50,706 --> 00:13:53,341
I mean, if I get to be Dean of
Hamilton, then the sky's the limit.
320
00:13:53,342 --> 00:13:55,744
I mean, I can be Dean
of Griffin College or
321
00:13:55,745 --> 00:13:57,979
Lewis & Clark or something,
as long as I don't blow this.
322
00:13:57,980 --> 00:14:00,315
Okay, okay. I get it.
323
00:14:00,316 --> 00:14:02,517
Izzy can't come to the house anymore.
324
00:14:02,518 --> 00:14:05,020
- Out of sight, out of mind.
- Okay, honey.
325
00:14:05,021 --> 00:14:07,556
- Love you very much. Lori.
- Jack.
326
00:14:07,557 --> 00:14:09,558
- Hi.
- Hi, oh, okay.
327
00:14:09,559 --> 00:14:11,526
- Hey, Lori.
- That's a first.
328
00:14:11,527 --> 00:14:13,061
No, I just... I'm starting
329
00:14:13,062 --> 00:14:15,430
my ass-kissing campaign a little early.
330
00:14:15,431 --> 00:14:16,765
Right.
331
00:14:16,766 --> 00:14:18,867
- Because you're... yeah.
- Everything okay?
332
00:14:18,868 --> 00:14:20,669
- You seem a little agitated.
- Good.
333
00:14:20,670 --> 00:14:22,370
- No. No, no.
- Oh.
334
00:14:22,371 --> 00:14:24,940
We were just talking about...
we're gonna have a little soir�e
335
00:14:24,941 --> 00:14:26,408
with everyone in the neighborhood...
336
00:14:26,409 --> 00:14:28,677
you and Paul, of course, Carmen and Dave.
337
00:14:28,678 --> 00:14:30,278
I'm gonna buy some steaks.
338
00:14:30,279 --> 00:14:32,280
That's what we were talking
about, 'cause you love steak.
339
00:14:32,281 --> 00:14:34,516
- And you like steak, right?
- Yeah.
340
00:14:34,517 --> 00:14:36,084
- Yeah.
- And beers. You know how it is.
341
00:14:36,085 --> 00:14:39,621
Well, actually, no, because
you never include us.
342
00:14:39,622 --> 00:14:41,456
Yes, we... We have.
343
00:14:41,457 --> 00:14:43,959
- No, not once.
- Have...
344
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:46,461
- Didn't we...
- Never been to your house.
345
00:14:46,462 --> 00:14:48,430
Um, that's the thing. We haven't had many.
346
00:14:48,431 --> 00:14:49,764
That's why we're talking about it...
347
00:14:49,765 --> 00:14:51,867
to have... we have a lot of people
348
00:14:51,868 --> 00:14:53,535
we have to repay in
the neighborhood, and...
349
00:14:53,536 --> 00:14:56,204
Uh, I have an Alumni Board meeting, so...
350
00:14:56,205 --> 00:14:58,306
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Okay.
351
00:14:58,307 --> 00:15:00,275
- So, it's... no, we're gonna...
- What? I... that's...
352
00:15:00,276 --> 00:15:02,210
No, two is cra... what are we, European?
353
00:15:03,579 --> 00:15:05,313
Jack.
354
00:15:05,314 --> 00:15:08,150
You do know I was kidding about
the kissing up thing, right?
355
00:15:08,151 --> 00:15:10,552
- Yeah.
- The stick's not quite as far up my ass
356
00:15:10,553 --> 00:15:13,421
- as Carmen and Emma seem to think it is.
- No, no.
357
00:15:13,422 --> 00:15:14,756
- They don't think that.
- Well...
358
00:15:14,757 --> 00:15:17,459
No, no, they never...
they really enjoy you.
359
00:15:17,460 --> 00:15:19,060
We all do. And Paul, too.
360
00:15:19,061 --> 00:15:23,565
Send my love to him
once you're... can you...
361
00:15:23,566 --> 00:15:26,102
Oh, my God? What the fuck was I doing?
362
00:15:28,171 --> 00:15:30,172
Hey, does standing in line for 20 minutes
363
00:15:30,173 --> 00:15:32,474
to pay 9 bucks for a bottle of green juice
364
00:15:32,475 --> 00:15:35,310
that tastes like dirt
make us fucking idiots?
365
00:15:35,311 --> 00:15:37,213
- Mine was $11.
- Mm.
366
00:15:43,986 --> 00:15:46,521
- Everything okay?
- Mm-hmm.
367
00:15:46,522 --> 00:15:48,190
That was rhetorical, by the way.
368
00:15:48,191 --> 00:15:49,791
I absolutely know it isn't.
369
00:15:49,792 --> 00:15:51,927
Mm. Jack's panicking.
370
00:15:51,928 --> 00:15:54,029
I mean, but that's what Jack does, right?
371
00:15:54,030 --> 00:15:56,198
- He... he panics.
- Let me guess.
372
00:15:56,199 --> 00:15:58,199
Something to do with the 20-something
373
00:15:58,200 --> 00:15:59,467
you've invited into your marriage
374
00:15:59,468 --> 00:16:01,102
and the power-hungry neighbor
375
00:16:01,103 --> 00:16:02,704
recently appointed to a governing body
376
00:16:02,705 --> 00:16:05,707
that will determine your
husband's professional fate?
377
00:16:05,708 --> 00:16:07,375
- How do you do that?
- Well, I'd tell you,
378
00:16:07,376 --> 00:16:08,810
but you'd have to meet me and the others
379
00:16:08,811 --> 00:16:12,047
in the woods at midnight
with a decapitated cat.
380
00:16:12,048 --> 00:16:14,382
Gross.
381
00:16:14,383 --> 00:16:15,984
You know, Jack panics.
382
00:16:15,985 --> 00:16:17,652
It's what he does, right?
383
00:16:17,653 --> 00:16:19,321
Yeah.
384
00:16:23,726 --> 00:16:25,293
So, I have a meeting
with Professor Lawrence
385
00:16:25,294 --> 00:16:28,330
and I'm pretty sure
that he wants to bone me.
386
00:16:28,331 --> 00:16:30,565
You're hot and 25 and he's 60
387
00:16:30,566 --> 00:16:33,234
and smells like patchouli
and forgotten dreams.
388
00:16:33,235 --> 00:16:34,569
- Shocker.
- Yeah, I know.
389
00:16:34,570 --> 00:16:36,171
But it helps my underlying insecurity
390
00:16:36,172 --> 00:16:38,340
to say it out loud, like a mantra.
391
00:16:38,341 --> 00:16:40,008
Everybody wants to bone me.
392
00:16:40,009 --> 00:16:41,576
Everybody wants to bone me.
393
00:16:41,577 --> 00:16:43,311
Everybody wants to bone Nina Martone.
394
00:16:43,312 --> 00:16:46,748
I think I might really like Andy.
395
00:16:46,749 --> 00:16:49,551
And I only have five
minutes to convince him
396
00:16:49,552 --> 00:16:51,219
to have pizza with me
before I have to figure out
397
00:16:51,220 --> 00:16:54,189
what the hell I'm gonna wear
on my date with Jack, so...
398
00:16:54,190 --> 00:16:56,992
Uh, okay. What?
399
00:17:02,765 --> 00:17:04,766
Pizza is totally platonic.
400
00:17:04,767 --> 00:17:07,502
Everybody knows that.
401
00:17:07,503 --> 00:17:09,371
Are you trying to trick me
402
00:17:09,372 --> 00:17:11,272
into thinking we've been
having a conversation?
403
00:17:11,273 --> 00:17:14,409
No, I am offering to buy
you lunch at Slice on Fifth.
404
00:17:14,410 --> 00:17:15,910
We can talk it out.
405
00:17:15,911 --> 00:17:17,579
Just say yes.
406
00:17:17,580 --> 00:17:22,283
1:00. Please.
407
00:17:22,284 --> 00:17:23,785
I like you.
408
00:17:23,786 --> 00:17:25,553
You like me?
409
00:17:25,554 --> 00:17:27,756
What? I don't know how else to say it.
410
00:17:27,757 --> 00:17:30,058
Well, maybe you could
give, like, Nina a note
411
00:17:30,059 --> 00:17:31,960
with boxes to check.
412
00:17:31,961 --> 00:17:34,462
"Do you like me back? Yes or No."
413
00:17:34,463 --> 00:17:37,565
So, which is it?
414
00:17:37,566 --> 00:17:40,368
You do not want me to make
this easier for you, Iz.
415
00:17:40,369 --> 00:17:42,704
Three months of broken dates,
416
00:17:42,705 --> 00:17:45,373
sloppy 2:00 A.M. booty calls.
417
00:17:45,374 --> 00:17:46,841
Listen. L... look at me.
418
00:17:46,842 --> 00:17:48,576
You realize this is the first time
419
00:17:48,577 --> 00:17:51,313
you've ever looked me in the
eye and said, "I like you."
420
00:17:53,716 --> 00:17:57,952
So, would you categorize me
as emotionally unavailable?
421
00:17:57,953 --> 00:17:59,654
Check a box.
422
00:18:01,657 --> 00:18:04,125
Well, which box is it?
423
00:18:04,126 --> 00:18:06,127
I think you know.
424
00:18:06,128 --> 00:18:07,462
Come on.
425
00:18:07,463 --> 00:18:10,432
One hour of your time over pizza.
426
00:18:10,433 --> 00:18:12,667
Yes or No.
427
00:18:12,668 --> 00:18:15,004
I guess you'll find out.
428
00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:27,849
Do you mind if I real-talk
to you for a second?
429
00:18:27,850 --> 00:18:30,118
It's so nice of you to
pretend I have a choice.
430
00:18:30,119 --> 00:18:31,419
You keep up with this stupid shit,
431
00:18:31,420 --> 00:18:33,855
you're gonna wake up years from now alone,
432
00:18:33,856 --> 00:18:35,190
your tits on your belly, thinking,
433
00:18:35,191 --> 00:18:36,725
"Where did my awesome life go?"
434
00:18:36,726 --> 00:18:38,259
Just to be clear, are my saggy tits
435
00:18:38,260 --> 00:18:40,829
- having the epiphany, or...
- Grammar, really?
436
00:18:40,830 --> 00:18:44,032
You're seriously struggling
with this right now?
437
00:18:44,033 --> 00:18:46,167
- Yes.
- You're married.
438
00:18:46,168 --> 00:18:47,936
Who are you?
439
00:18:47,937 --> 00:18:49,838
Help me, Carmen.
440
00:18:49,839 --> 00:18:52,040
I... I can't be trusted to
make good choices right now.
441
00:18:52,041 --> 00:18:54,876
Just tell me what to do.
442
00:18:54,877 --> 00:18:56,678
Okay, so that's called a phone.
443
00:18:56,679 --> 00:19:00,115
You want to tap on the little
icon labeled "Contacts."
444
00:19:00,116 --> 00:19:01,816
Scroll down to the I's.
445
00:19:01,817 --> 00:19:05,321
Narrow your search until
you arrive at "Izzy."
446
00:19:08,157 --> 00:19:11,126
All you got to do is tell her it's over
447
00:19:11,127 --> 00:19:12,527
and she can keep the money.
448
00:19:12,528 --> 00:19:14,462
You got to do what's
best for your marriage.
449
00:19:14,463 --> 00:19:16,931
Right. Simple... so simple.
450
00:19:16,932 --> 00:19:18,700
Oh, for fuck's sake.
451
00:19:18,701 --> 00:19:20,568
I can do it. Geez.
452
00:19:20,569 --> 00:19:22,704
I am gonna count to 10.
453
00:19:22,705 --> 00:19:24,172
And then I'm gonna take your phone
454
00:19:24,173 --> 00:19:26,541
and I'm gonna call Little
Miss Footjob myself.
455
00:19:26,542 --> 00:19:28,143
Don't even try to run
456
00:19:28,144 --> 00:19:30,178
because I will catch you
without breaking a sweat.
457
00:19:30,179 --> 00:19:31,747
You know I'm right.
458
00:19:34,350 --> 00:19:36,285
God damn it.
459
00:19:46,429 --> 00:19:48,596
Uh, maybe because you didn't invite her to
460
00:19:48,597 --> 00:19:51,967
your poker luau last
episode, you cunt-tard.
461
00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:06,881
What the fuck? Aah!
462
00:20:06,882 --> 00:20:09,284
Are you seriously just standing there
463
00:20:09,285 --> 00:20:11,052
watching me through the peephole?
464
00:20:11,053 --> 00:20:13,388
You can't just drop by.
465
00:20:13,389 --> 00:20:16,457
You just dropped by our house
unannounced like 36 hours ago,
466
00:20:16,458 --> 00:20:21,296
so I think... can you
just open the door, please?
467
00:20:21,297 --> 00:20:22,931
Um...
468
00:20:22,932 --> 00:20:24,199
Uh, just give me a minute!
469
00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:26,234
Um...
470
00:20:26,235 --> 00:20:29,237
I'm not... I'm not dressed.
471
00:20:29,238 --> 00:20:34,142
How can you not be
dressed? It's, like, 12:30.
472
00:20:34,143 --> 00:20:35,877
I was dressed. Now I'm not.
473
00:20:35,878 --> 00:20:39,414
And soon I will be again. Do
you have a problem with that?
474
00:20:39,415 --> 00:20:41,316
Why would you even bother to...
475
00:20:41,317 --> 00:20:42,917
You know what? Never mind.
476
00:20:42,918 --> 00:20:45,187
- Can I...
- I guess so.
477
00:20:48,958 --> 00:20:52,760
Sorry, the, uh, housekeeper's on vacation.
478
00:20:52,761 --> 00:20:55,463
Well, it's... let me guess.
479
00:20:55,464 --> 00:20:58,233
Is it three weeks of dirty laundry,
480
00:20:58,234 --> 00:20:59,567
some medical weed,
481
00:20:59,568 --> 00:21:01,903
and maybe five expired food items?
482
00:21:01,904 --> 00:21:04,505
Hmm. Could I offer you some espresso?
483
00:21:04,506 --> 00:21:05,940
- Yeah, I would love some.
- Yeah?
484
00:21:05,941 --> 00:21:07,508
I'm just fucking with you.
485
00:21:07,509 --> 00:21:09,378
Do you honestly think I
have an espresso maker?
486
00:21:12,681 --> 00:21:15,183
Okay, Fred, so what are you doing here?
487
00:21:15,184 --> 00:21:18,853
Um, well, Emma and I have been tal...
488
00:21:18,854 --> 00:21:20,522
We had a discussion this morning,
489
00:21:20,523 --> 00:21:24,626
and it turns out we won't be
requiring your services anymore.
490
00:21:24,627 --> 00:21:26,628
- I see.
- Yeah.
491
00:21:26,629 --> 00:21:31,866
I mean, I think we achieved
the desired results, right?
492
00:21:31,867 --> 00:21:34,002
We're not asking for refund
or anything, so I know this...
493
00:21:34,003 --> 00:21:36,771
Okay, so this is where I call bullshit.
494
00:21:36,772 --> 00:21:38,373
Oh, really? How so?
495
00:21:38,374 --> 00:21:40,508
Well, first of all,
you're acting super weird,
496
00:21:40,509 --> 00:21:43,945
and part of what you're
saying is Grade-A bullshit.
497
00:21:43,946 --> 00:21:45,313
Which part?
498
00:21:45,314 --> 00:21:48,182
- The Emma part.
- What was the... Emma?
499
00:21:48,183 --> 00:21:50,218
I don't even know what
that... what's the Emma part?
500
00:21:50,219 --> 00:21:52,187
Yeah.
501
00:21:55,057 --> 00:21:56,724
What are you... No. What are you doing?
502
00:21:56,725 --> 00:21:58,226
I'm just giving Emma a quick call.
503
00:21:58,227 --> 00:22:00,528
No, you're not. Please.
Okay, fine. It's me, okay?
504
00:22:00,529 --> 00:22:01,963
- It's me. Yeah.
- That's what I thought.
505
00:22:01,964 --> 00:22:03,865
I'm the one that's
canceling this. It's over.
506
00:22:03,866 --> 00:22:06,301
It's... I'm terminating
the relationship, okay?
507
00:22:06,302 --> 00:22:08,469
And please do not call my wife again.
508
00:22:08,470 --> 00:22:10,505
And do not answer any
messages from her, okay?
509
00:22:10,506 --> 00:22:13,074
Oh, said the misogynistic dickface.
510
00:22:13,075 --> 00:22:14,475
What, we're gonna call
each other names now?
511
00:22:14,476 --> 00:22:16,244
- Is that what's happening?
- You know what?
512
00:22:16,245 --> 00:22:19,414
I'm going to consider this
evening's appointment canceled,
513
00:22:19,415 --> 00:22:21,349
and whatever the rest
of us consenting adults
514
00:22:21,350 --> 00:22:23,551
choose to do is entirely up to us.
515
00:22:23,552 --> 00:22:25,219
I'm the only one being an adult here.
516
00:22:25,220 --> 00:22:27,055
You're the only adult? Is that right?
517
00:22:27,056 --> 00:22:28,523
- Yeah.
- Okay.
518
00:22:28,524 --> 00:22:30,858
So I'm gonna ask you a question, Jack.
519
00:22:30,859 --> 00:22:34,162
How long after we terminate the agreement
520
00:22:34,163 --> 00:22:36,864
before you call me on your own, hmm?
521
00:22:36,865 --> 00:22:39,200
Not going to.
522
00:22:39,201 --> 00:22:40,768
Want to make a bet?
523
00:22:40,769 --> 00:22:42,503
Mm-hmm.
524
00:22:42,504 --> 00:22:43,871
I say two weeks, max.
525
00:22:43,872 --> 00:22:45,474
Sure.
526
00:22:49,345 --> 00:22:50,845
- Don't do that.
- Don't what?
527
00:22:50,846 --> 00:22:53,081
- Don't do that.
- Don't do what?
528
00:22:53,082 --> 00:22:56,084
You think you're irresistible?
529
00:22:56,085 --> 00:22:57,885
Don't you?
530
00:22:57,886 --> 00:22:59,387
- Oh, you don't think about me?
- Okay.
531
00:22:59,388 --> 00:23:01,056
Fine, you win.
532
00:23:15,237 --> 00:23:17,638
Ow, fuck.
533
00:23:17,639 --> 00:23:20,141
- Is that okay?
- That's fine, that's fine.
534
00:23:20,142 --> 00:23:21,542
Stop talking.
535
00:23:25,647 --> 00:23:27,115
Does this count as our date?
536
00:23:27,116 --> 00:23:28,950
- What?
- Does this count as a date?
537
00:23:28,951 --> 00:23:30,918
No. God, stop talking.
538
00:23:30,919 --> 00:23:33,254
You're so fucking chatty.
539
00:23:40,763 --> 00:23:42,830
Okay, I want you so bad.
540
00:23:42,831 --> 00:23:44,565
Maybe I should terminate you.
541
00:23:46,668 --> 00:23:48,469
You're a horrible person. You know that?
542
00:23:48,470 --> 00:23:50,271
I thought I was irresistible.
543
00:23:57,679 --> 00:24:00,081
What the fuck?
544
00:24:00,082 --> 00:24:02,617
What the fuck?
545
00:24:02,618 --> 00:24:05,086
Fucking kidding me?
546
00:24:05,087 --> 00:24:07,822
Izzy, my grandma's antique lamp?
547
00:24:07,823 --> 00:24:10,758
I'm sorry, Nina. Um, I'll get that fixed.
548
00:24:10,759 --> 00:24:12,093
Damn fucking right, you will.
549
00:24:12,094 --> 00:24:13,695
Who the hell is that?
550
00:24:13,696 --> 00:24:15,363
Is he a client? He better not be a client
551
00:24:15,364 --> 00:24:17,365
because you know that's
breaking rule number one...
552
00:24:17,366 --> 00:24:19,735
never let clients know where we live.
553
00:24:22,337 --> 00:24:24,539
Oh. Oh, holy shit.
554
00:24:24,540 --> 00:24:26,474
That's Clark Griswold, isn't it?
555
00:24:26,475 --> 00:24:28,609
Clark Griswold is a fictional character
556
00:24:28,610 --> 00:24:30,812
played by Chevy Chase
in a 1980s feature film.
557
00:24:30,813 --> 00:24:33,548
Just stop. Yes, it... yes, it's him.
558
00:24:33,549 --> 00:24:35,883
Okay, so I'm gonna ask.
559
00:24:35,884 --> 00:24:39,755
Is Mr. Griswold here a client,
or is he something else?
560
00:24:41,457 --> 00:24:43,525
Um...
41659
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