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- Subtitle by peritta and chamallow -
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Previously on You, Me, Her...
3
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You do it with someone you don't know...
4
00:00:08,361 --> 00:00:11,296
someone who doesn't laugh
when you get your sexy on.
5
00:00:11,297 --> 00:00:12,498
I'm talking about an escort.
6
00:00:12,499 --> 00:00:14,499
Jack Trakarsky?
7
00:00:14,500 --> 00:00:15,834
I'm Izzy Silva.
8
00:00:15,835 --> 00:00:17,035
I met Izzy today.
9
00:00:17,036 --> 00:00:18,170
We made out.
10
00:00:18,171 --> 00:00:20,371
After she gave me a
footjob under the table.
11
00:00:20,373 --> 00:00:21,706
I kind of feel like
I'm dangling my marriage
12
00:00:21,707 --> 00:00:24,643
out a 10-story window right now.
13
00:00:24,644 --> 00:00:26,111
Weinstock is retiring as Dean.
14
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He's recommending me as his replacement.
15
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Izzy's an escort.
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00:00:29,181 --> 00:00:32,117
You don't have to end things.
You just don't call them again.
17
00:00:32,118 --> 00:00:35,254
Mom! What are you doing?
18
00:00:39,509 --> 00:00:41,459
- So, hi,
- Hi.
19
00:00:41,460 --> 00:00:43,662
Hi.
20
00:00:58,094 --> 00:01:00,476
I can't feel my hands, or my feet,
21
00:01:00,478 --> 00:01:02,814
or the top of my head.
Do I smell baked goods?
22
00:01:02,815 --> 00:01:04,019
Does that mean I'm having a stroke?
23
00:01:04,021 --> 00:01:05,111
Oh, it's a candle.
24
00:01:05,113 --> 00:01:06,884
"Pumpkin Spice." Um...
25
00:01:06,886 --> 00:01:08,406
A stroke is burnt toast.
26
00:01:08,758 --> 00:01:09,967
That's good to know, thank you.
27
00:01:10,969 --> 00:01:13,319
Just the three of us here,
now, first time, together,
28
00:01:13,321 --> 00:01:15,122
in close proximity.
29
00:01:15,966 --> 00:01:17,033
Kinda...
30
00:01:17,237 --> 00:01:18,772
kinda takes it to the next level.
31
00:01:21,227 --> 00:01:23,039
Yeah. Um...
32
00:01:23,904 --> 00:01:27,161
I sprinted away from a
date with an amazing guy,
33
00:01:27,382 --> 00:01:29,116
cyber-stalked your home address,
34
00:01:29,406 --> 00:01:31,075
and just barely escaped
35
00:01:31,077 --> 00:01:33,714
the warning screams of my inner critic.
36
00:01:33,716 --> 00:01:35,848
This is nice here. I like your house.
37
00:01:35,850 --> 00:01:37,115
We were just talking about you,
38
00:01:37,116 --> 00:01:39,475
literally two seconds before
you knocked on the door.
39
00:01:39,477 --> 00:01:41,251
It's, like, strange.
40
00:01:41,253 --> 00:01:42,631
That's so sweet.
41
00:01:42,782 --> 00:01:44,183
And weird.
42
00:01:44,457 --> 00:01:47,449
So how long am I gonna be
chained up in your basement?
43
00:01:48,074 --> 00:01:50,328
I'm mostly free until
midterms in December, so.
44
00:01:51,682 --> 00:01:53,164
She does that.
45
00:01:53,166 --> 00:01:56,113
Well, you know, Jack's made
it real cozy down there.
46
00:01:56,115 --> 00:01:57,824
Fridge, mini-bar, couch.
47
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Good. I'm in.
48
00:01:59,252 --> 00:02:00,399
We have Quaaludes down there
49
00:02:00,401 --> 00:02:02,666
which will erode your sense of time,
50
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if that's your thing.
51
00:02:06,884 --> 00:02:07,954
This is so not us.
52
00:02:07,956 --> 00:02:10,292
We've never done
anything like this before.
53
00:02:11,583 --> 00:02:14,427
Haven't dusted off
that line since college.
54
00:02:14,474 --> 00:02:16,161
- Honey, you used that line on me.
- Don't... don't obsess.
55
00:02:16,177 --> 00:02:18,364
Man, I am really nervous.
56
00:02:18,630 --> 00:02:21,376
Is my voice as shaky
as it sounds in my head?
57
00:02:21,985 --> 00:02:23,294
Did someone mention Quaaludes?
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00:02:23,295 --> 00:02:25,095
- Yeah, I was joking.
- Oh, sorry.
59
00:02:25,097 --> 00:02:26,690
- Yeah, we don't... we don't have any sedatives.
- No.
60
00:02:26,691 --> 00:02:28,066
- We have a...
- We have a load good wine.
61
00:02:28,074 --> 00:02:29,041
- ... case.
- Fantastic wine.
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00:02:29,043 --> 00:02:30,923
- Yeah, a case of wine that we got at this...
- A Pinot, we got at the vineyard.
63
00:02:30,925 --> 00:02:32,300
- ... fantastic little vineyard.
- She loves it.
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00:02:32,302 --> 00:02:35,356
- It was beautiful. In Northern California.
- And it's not too expensive.
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- But it's perfect...
- We should really go.
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We had a really nice time there.
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We kind of have some of that.
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- If that's your thing.
- It's delicious. Made of grapes.
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00:02:41,078 --> 00:02:42,264
Yes.
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All right, let's pop
some corks, dickheads.
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00:02:45,184 --> 00:02:46,785
Do we look like dickheads?
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I think she meant that affectionately.
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This should do.
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00:02:50,099 --> 00:02:51,798
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Maybe not those.
- Not those.
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00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:53,649
- They're not really for drinking.
- Yeah. They're for show.
76
00:03:04,736 --> 00:03:06,271
Well, I'd summarize it like this...
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00:03:06,272 --> 00:03:07,406
we, that is,
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Jack and I, have crossed a threshold
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into a unique marital dimension...
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Speaking of talking like we're high...
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Oh, when I get just the right combination
82
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of nervous and inebriated,
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I get grandiloquent and orotund
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and I use words that nobody uses,
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00:03:22,154 --> 00:03:23,280
and then I try and negate it
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00:03:23,282 --> 00:03:24,956
with a disarming self-awareness...
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00:03:24,957 --> 00:03:27,187
Um, after that,
88
00:03:27,289 --> 00:03:29,195
I have to insist.
89
00:03:29,197 --> 00:03:31,927
This is a gentle, well-intentioned Indica.
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00:03:32,438 --> 00:03:33,523
Indi-what?
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00:03:34,033 --> 00:03:35,195
Indica.
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00:03:35,515 --> 00:03:36,978
No minds will be blown.
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00:03:37,636 --> 00:03:39,504
The best kind of pot you can find.
94
00:03:39,505 --> 00:03:40,552
Oh, it's weed?
95
00:03:48,257 --> 00:03:51,839
If you were to create
"A Good Guy" in a lab...
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00:03:52,746 --> 00:03:54,586
that's what I left on a bar stool.
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00:03:56,001 --> 00:03:57,735
How fucked up is that?
98
00:03:58,057 --> 00:04:01,392
Should we talk about your
obvious commitment issues?
99
00:04:01,393 --> 00:04:03,803
Shall we revisit what
I told you last time?
100
00:04:04,076 --> 00:04:05,146
Blow me?
101
00:04:09,401 --> 00:04:12,138
Why do we talk about Izzy all the time?
102
00:04:12,140 --> 00:04:15,193
Why did she impulsively come over?
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Why are we doing whatever
it is we're doing?
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00:04:18,611 --> 00:04:20,879
Why, why, why, why...
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00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:22,182
why...
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The house of why.
107
00:04:29,267 --> 00:04:30,359
You got the hiccups?
108
00:04:30,361 --> 00:04:32,204
I get stoned super easy these days.
109
00:04:32,491 --> 00:04:33,625
Have you noticed?
110
00:04:34,241 --> 00:04:37,174
I keep replaying what
happened at that bar.
111
00:04:37,983 --> 00:04:40,202
I pleasured myself at
my desk, thinking of you.
112
00:04:40,204 --> 00:04:43,225
You didn't? You didn't?
113
00:04:43,227 --> 00:04:45,036
I did.
114
00:04:45,037 --> 00:04:46,107
Emma.
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00:04:46,109 --> 00:04:49,707
We both masturbated at
our respective workplaces.
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00:04:50,742 --> 00:04:51,843
You didn't?
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00:04:51,844 --> 00:04:54,107
And now we're sitting here in
our living room telling you.
118
00:04:54,109 --> 00:04:55,298
This isn't weird at all.
119
00:04:55,300 --> 00:04:56,376
Are you freaked out?
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00:04:56,378 --> 00:04:57,501
You must be so freaked out.
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00:04:57,503 --> 00:04:59,509
You can run. We won't tackle you.
122
00:04:59,511 --> 00:05:01,319
No. No, no, no.
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00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:02,921
I am way too insecure
124
00:05:02,922 --> 00:05:05,590
to feel anything but flattered
125
00:05:05,591 --> 00:05:08,060
that anybody would jack off to me.
126
00:05:09,461 --> 00:05:10,662
Guys, I need you to know
127
00:05:10,663 --> 00:05:14,532
that I, like, have done
nothing but think about you.
128
00:05:14,533 --> 00:05:17,602
I have tried to wash it away
129
00:05:17,603 --> 00:05:19,337
with... with booze
130
00:05:19,338 --> 00:05:21,472
and... and cleaning products,
131
00:05:21,473 --> 00:05:24,275
but you guys are stubborn.
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00:05:24,276 --> 00:05:25,877
Like a stain.
133
00:05:25,878 --> 00:05:27,679
Like a... like a beautiful stain.
134
00:05:28,948 --> 00:05:29,881
Very handsome...
135
00:05:29,882 --> 00:05:32,684
handsome...
136
00:05:32,685 --> 00:05:33,952
stain.
137
00:05:42,828 --> 00:05:45,831
Yeah, but we agree that this is
a business arrangement, right?
138
00:05:50,302 --> 00:05:52,036
Yeah. Of course.
139
00:05:52,037 --> 00:05:54,572
Abso-fucking-lutely.
140
00:05:54,573 --> 00:05:56,708
Yeah. Rent doesn't pay itself.
141
00:05:56,709 --> 00:05:58,843
She's like our mutual hall pass.
142
00:05:58,844 --> 00:06:00,044
Yeah.
143
00:06:00,045 --> 00:06:01,913
Yeah, we each get two
sessions a week with her?
144
00:06:01,914 --> 00:06:03,582
I mean... I mean, you.
145
00:06:05,784 --> 00:06:06,851
Thank you for remembering
146
00:06:06,852 --> 00:06:09,787
that I'm both present and a human being.
147
00:06:09,788 --> 00:06:11,522
We could just book her for the whole month
148
00:06:11,523 --> 00:06:12,457
and then we can revisit it...
149
00:06:12,458 --> 00:06:13,524
Yeah.
150
00:06:13,525 --> 00:06:14,660
... at that point.
151
00:06:16,729 --> 00:06:19,130
Okay, so...
152
00:06:19,131 --> 00:06:21,066
here's my deal...
153
00:06:21,067 --> 00:06:22,867
I'm probably gonna be shutting
down a lot of regulars,
154
00:06:22,868 --> 00:06:23,935
I'll probably lose a few,
155
00:06:23,936 --> 00:06:26,604
so I'm gonna have to
charge you guys a premium.
156
00:06:26,605 --> 00:06:28,473
Oh, and I'm gonna have to get you guys
157
00:06:28,474 --> 00:06:30,074
to pay the month in advance
158
00:06:30,075 --> 00:06:32,076
to hold Mondays through Thursdays,
159
00:06:32,077 --> 00:06:35,881
'cause weekends are for
non-paying relationships only.
160
00:06:36,615 --> 00:06:37,682
So, we good?
161
00:06:37,683 --> 00:06:40,618
I'm good. You good, Em?
162
00:06:40,619 --> 00:06:41,953
Yeah, but we agree
163
00:06:41,954 --> 00:06:46,491
that the intimacy is, like,
non-penetrationable, right?
164
00:06:46,492 --> 00:06:49,560
Okay, so if that's that,
165
00:06:49,561 --> 00:06:52,630
does anyone want to write
up a formal contract,
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00:06:52,631 --> 00:06:56,435
or will a spirited round of
businessman handshakes suffice?
167
00:06:59,171 --> 00:07:02,040
That's my ride at the
corner, so I'm gonna fly.
168
00:07:02,895 --> 00:07:04,763
Mr. Trakarsky.
169
00:07:04,765 --> 00:07:06,318
Mrs. Trakarsky.
170
00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:07,588
It's been a fucking slice.
171
00:07:14,954 --> 00:07:16,955
- Did she leave?
- Yeah.
172
00:07:16,956 --> 00:07:18,022
She took the weed.
173
00:07:24,029 --> 00:07:25,096
I know I started it,
174
00:07:25,097 --> 00:07:27,632
but I really think we got too
business-ey with Izzy last night.
175
00:07:27,633 --> 00:07:29,901
Objectified her. Hurt her feelings.
176
00:07:29,902 --> 00:07:31,502
Honey, she is an escort
177
00:07:31,503 --> 00:07:33,104
and we are her clients,
178
00:07:33,105 --> 00:07:34,706
so the whole situation
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00:07:34,707 --> 00:07:36,040
is inherently business-ey.
180
00:07:36,041 --> 00:07:38,742
I just think we need to set
clear boundaries, you know,
181
00:07:38,753 --> 00:07:40,938
and make sure this whole thing
doesn't spin out of control.
182
00:07:41,579 --> 00:07:42,847
You mean so one of us
183
00:07:42,848 --> 00:07:44,048
doesn't develop feelings for another?
184
00:07:44,049 --> 00:07:45,917
Maybe.
185
00:07:45,918 --> 00:07:49,387
Has one of us already
developed feelings for another?
186
00:07:49,388 --> 00:07:50,722
No.
187
00:07:50,723 --> 00:07:52,190
I saw those googly eyes you
were giving her last night.
188
00:07:52,191 --> 00:07:53,524
Googly eyes?
189
00:07:53,525 --> 00:07:54,726
Those are my stoned eyes.
190
00:07:54,727 --> 00:07:57,528
I totally know the difference,
and those were googly eyes.
191
00:07:57,529 --> 00:07:58,596
I know your stoned eyes.
192
00:07:58,597 --> 00:07:59,664
I'm telling you,
193
00:07:59,665 --> 00:08:00,732
all throughout college,
194
00:08:00,733 --> 00:08:01,799
people were like, "Hey,
are you hitting on me?"
195
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:03,001
I was like, "No, I'm just
super high over here."
196
00:08:03,002 --> 00:08:03,935
- That is not true.
- It is true.
197
00:08:03,936 --> 00:08:05,003
I don't believe that.
198
00:08:05,004 --> 00:08:07,538
Were they red? Like,
very reddish? But squinty?
199
00:08:07,539 --> 00:08:08,740
I know your googly eyes.
200
00:08:08,741 --> 00:08:10,742
That's not it, okay, so stop saying it.
201
00:08:10,743 --> 00:08:12,477
I don't know why I have to defend myself.
202
00:08:12,478 --> 00:08:14,612
I just think it's better for all of us
203
00:08:14,613 --> 00:08:15,680
if we have it
204
00:08:15,681 --> 00:08:17,548
as a clearly defined
business arrangement, okay?
205
00:08:17,549 --> 00:08:19,017
Payment for services rendered.
206
00:08:19,018 --> 00:08:20,084
Okay.
207
00:08:20,085 --> 00:08:21,285
Right.
208
00:08:21,286 --> 00:08:23,755
So how do we decide who gets her first?
209
00:08:24,623 --> 00:08:26,090
- Ew.
- Yeah.
210
00:08:26,091 --> 00:08:28,092
Ew. That sounded bad.
211
00:08:28,093 --> 00:08:29,961
I just grossed myself out.
212
00:08:29,962 --> 00:08:31,763
Just flip a coin?
213
00:08:33,032 --> 00:08:33,965
Rock-paper-scissors?
214
00:08:33,966 --> 00:08:35,433
You know what? I'm just gonna go first.
215
00:08:35,434 --> 00:08:37,435
- How is that fair?
- Ladies first.
216
00:08:37,936 --> 00:08:40,415
There's two ladies in this
situation. That's unfair.
217
00:08:40,428 --> 00:08:42,273
I will never get to go first. Like, ever.
218
00:08:42,474 --> 00:08:43,141
Once every three times, I guess,
219
00:08:43,142 --> 00:08:45,110
but... that's not enough.
220
00:08:45,978 --> 00:08:48,112
Should be 50/50. We should...
221
00:08:48,113 --> 00:08:51,250
Ladies... Oh, my. Hello.
222
00:08:53,452 --> 00:08:55,453
- Is this... us deciding?
- Uh-huh.
223
00:08:55,454 --> 00:08:56,722
Oh, my God.
224
00:09:05,731 --> 00:09:07,065
So we have a deal?
225
00:09:07,066 --> 00:09:09,867
- I get to go first?
- Mm-hmm.
226
00:09:09,868 --> 00:09:10,935
You promise?
227
00:09:10,936 --> 00:09:12,670
No.
228
00:09:12,671 --> 00:09:13,604
Should I stop?
229
00:09:13,605 --> 00:09:15,606
Is this how we're gonna
decide things from now on?
230
00:09:15,607 --> 00:09:18,142
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
231
00:09:18,143 --> 00:09:19,744
Do you like it?
232
00:09:19,745 --> 00:09:21,212
I do, but I feel like
I'm being short-sighted.
233
00:09:21,213 --> 00:09:23,148
Stupid penis.
234
00:09:24,817 --> 00:09:26,684
Through the use of rational thought.
235
00:09:26,685 --> 00:09:27,752
But with sensory memory,
236
00:09:27,753 --> 00:09:29,620
the brain is designed
237
00:09:29,621 --> 00:09:31,756
only to process information
238
00:09:31,757 --> 00:09:33,891
that will be useful at a later date.
239
00:09:33,892 --> 00:09:35,760
Psst!
240
00:09:35,761 --> 00:09:37,829
Sorry. Sorry.
241
00:09:39,631 --> 00:09:42,901
You could meet me halfway
and move your legs, dickface?
242
00:09:46,438 --> 00:09:47,973
Hi.
243
00:09:50,976 --> 00:09:53,111
I'm in class dressed
like a horny WNBA player.
244
00:09:53,112 --> 00:09:54,846
You could at least ask.
245
00:09:54,847 --> 00:09:56,848
Kinda tells its own story, man.
246
00:09:56,849 --> 00:09:59,517
I had to Google an hour's
worth of basketball jargon.
247
00:09:59,518 --> 00:10:01,119
In case it, like, ever comes up,
248
00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:02,186
there really isn't
249
00:10:02,187 --> 00:10:03,921
an hour's worth of basketball jargon,
250
00:10:03,922 --> 00:10:06,057
so I just started, like, making shit up.
251
00:10:06,058 --> 00:10:06,991
Yeah.
252
00:10:06,992 --> 00:10:08,152
Hey, can I borrow your notes?
253
00:10:10,596 --> 00:10:11,796
All yours.
254
00:10:11,797 --> 00:10:14,266
What have you been doing
for the last 34 minutes?
255
00:10:17,536 --> 00:10:19,071
I honestly have no idea.
256
00:10:24,209 --> 00:10:28,212
I'm gonna need your notes, Stan.
Two copies, bring 'em tomorrow?
257
00:10:28,213 --> 00:10:30,282
Sure. Absolutely.
258
00:10:31,950 --> 00:10:33,885
It's Kyle, by the way.
259
00:10:35,687 --> 00:10:37,155
But Stan works. Yeah.
260
00:10:37,156 --> 00:10:39,358
I can be Stan.
261
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:43,027
Don't worry. Ken's got it.
262
00:10:43,028 --> 00:10:45,364
He just told you his name was Dan.
263
00:10:46,304 --> 00:10:47,832
- What?
- Kyle.
264
00:10:47,833 --> 00:10:48,766
- Kyle.
- Kyle?
265
00:10:54,907 --> 00:10:56,507
Sorry I'm late, Frank.
266
00:10:56,508 --> 00:10:57,575
College essays.
267
00:10:57,576 --> 00:11:00,244
My God, is it possible for every
kid who has under a three-five
268
00:11:00,245 --> 00:11:01,712
to have ADHD
269
00:11:01,713 --> 00:11:03,527
and multiple deaths in the family?
270
00:11:03,529 --> 00:11:04,558
I miss the days
271
00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:06,784
when you still felt obligated
to kiss my ass and call me Dean.
272
00:11:06,785 --> 00:11:08,519
You're in my fucking chair, Dean.
273
00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:10,121
Kiss my ass, Jack.
274
00:11:10,122 --> 00:11:11,189
Got it.
275
00:11:11,190 --> 00:11:12,256
I'm not even officially retired yet,
276
00:11:12,257 --> 00:11:15,193
and I'm already bored to fucking death.
277
00:11:15,194 --> 00:11:16,928
Hey,
278
00:11:16,929 --> 00:11:18,796
Now that I don't have
to worry about testing,
279
00:11:18,797 --> 00:11:20,932
I'm really into the idea
of trying out the new drugs.
280
00:11:20,933 --> 00:11:23,067
How does one "roll"?
281
00:11:23,068 --> 00:11:24,802
Wait. We have drug testing?
282
00:11:24,803 --> 00:11:25,736
Technically.
283
00:11:25,737 --> 00:11:26,938
I can't remember the last one.
284
00:11:26,939 --> 00:11:30,007
Okay, so the Alumni Board
has all your records,
285
00:11:30,008 --> 00:11:31,075
they meet to discuss on Monday.
286
00:11:31,076 --> 00:11:33,344
Hey, can they really
track my browser history?
287
00:11:33,345 --> 00:11:34,412
Like you were...
288
00:11:34,413 --> 00:11:36,280
'cause that seems...
289
00:11:36,281 --> 00:11:39,083
That seems un... un... like...
290
00:11:39,084 --> 00:11:42,019
Amer... like unethical or
something. It's un-something.
291
00:11:42,020 --> 00:11:44,689
This is Hamilton, Jack, so,
yeah, they're gonna dig, but...
292
00:11:44,690 --> 00:11:47,091
seriously, you do use Incognito Mode?
293
00:11:47,092 --> 00:11:50,294
What's "Incognito Mode"?
294
00:11:50,295 --> 00:11:52,163
Oh, boy.
295
00:11:58,971 --> 00:12:01,105
Hmm... what would I wear
296
00:12:01,106 --> 00:12:03,107
on a first date with a female
297
00:12:03,108 --> 00:12:04,709
grad-student-slash-escort
298
00:12:04,710 --> 00:12:06,978
I'm sharing with my husband?
299
00:12:06,979 --> 00:12:08,312
Keep trying to be funny.
300
00:12:08,313 --> 00:12:10,951
It's irritating, but it distracts me.
301
00:12:10,983 --> 00:12:12,813
I'm so nervous, I
couldn't go this morning.
302
00:12:12,815 --> 00:12:14,986
I feel like I'm pregnant.
303
00:12:14,987 --> 00:12:16,187
I have a poo baby.
304
00:12:16,188 --> 00:12:18,055
Do you and Jack talk a lot
about your digestive issues?
305
00:12:18,056 --> 00:12:19,390
Because you should know
the rest of us don't.
306
00:12:19,391 --> 00:12:21,659
See, for example, I don't need to know
307
00:12:21,660 --> 00:12:24,996
whether you pooped or
not on any given day.
308
00:12:24,997 --> 00:12:26,464
What about this one?
309
00:12:26,465 --> 00:12:27,932
Hot. Yeah.
310
00:12:27,933 --> 00:12:29,800
If I were an underage groupie
311
00:12:29,801 --> 00:12:31,269
with deep-seated self-esteem issues,
312
00:12:31,270 --> 00:12:32,870
I'd buy out the whole shop.
313
00:12:32,871 --> 00:12:34,739
Yeah, let's go throw
back some Jaeger shots
314
00:12:34,740 --> 00:12:36,474
and go to a "Modest Mouse" show, dude.
315
00:12:36,475 --> 00:12:39,677
Dear God, even your
young-chick references are old.
316
00:12:39,678 --> 00:12:41,079
Hey...
317
00:12:42,214 --> 00:12:44,282
How about that?
318
00:12:45,150 --> 00:12:47,418
Help me. Help me, help me.
319
00:12:47,419 --> 00:12:49,020
Oh, chill.
320
00:12:49,021 --> 00:12:51,022
I'm sure lezzing is
just like riding a bike.
321
00:12:51,023 --> 00:12:52,223
It'll come back to you.
322
00:12:52,224 --> 00:12:54,225
I haven't ridden a bike in so long.
323
00:12:54,226 --> 00:12:57,295
Listen, you wear that, I
will totally lezinate you.
324
00:12:57,296 --> 00:12:58,896
Okay, you can stop trying to create
325
00:12:58,897 --> 00:13:01,066
different permutations
of the word "lez" now.
326
00:13:01,067 --> 00:13:02,467
- What a second, are we vibrating?
- Oh.
327
00:13:02,901 --> 00:13:04,502
Is that how lezitation works?
328
00:13:04,503 --> 00:13:07,838
It's my phone, jackass.
329
00:13:07,839 --> 00:13:10,107
- Aw... Izzy.
- Dear God.
330
00:13:10,108 --> 00:13:12,777
Are you 13? Just got your period?
331
00:13:12,778 --> 00:13:14,579
You're jealous, asshole.
332
00:13:26,525 --> 00:13:28,326
Retro fitness. I respect that.
333
00:13:29,194 --> 00:13:30,795
Fem Fit says this chick
nailed it way back when.
334
00:13:30,796 --> 00:13:33,998
Everything you need in 15 minutes.
335
00:13:33,999 --> 00:13:35,333
Do you know where my vape is?
336
00:13:35,334 --> 00:13:36,267
I'm getting super stressed
337
00:13:36,268 --> 00:13:37,468
by my date with Emma.
338
00:13:37,469 --> 00:13:40,404
So they're getting some
freaky version of sex therapy,
339
00:13:40,405 --> 00:13:41,872
but what're you getting out of it?
340
00:13:41,873 --> 00:13:44,141
- 16 sessions paid upfront?
- Great.
341
00:13:44,142 --> 00:13:46,077
It's on the table, Dingdong.
342
00:13:46,945 --> 00:13:48,851
Fem Fit also says habitual pot use
343
00:13:48,856 --> 00:13:51,349
- causes degenerative heart failure diseases...
- Jesus, Fem Fit,
344
00:13:51,350 --> 00:13:52,884
your guide to a joyless fucking life.
345
00:13:53,885 --> 00:13:55,219
Should I wear these?
346
00:13:55,220 --> 00:13:56,687
- No.
- Why not?
347
00:13:56,688 --> 00:13:58,490
Just don't.
348
00:14:05,497 --> 00:14:07,098
My God, I'm so nervous.
349
00:14:07,099 --> 00:14:10,301
I haven't been on a first date since...
350
00:14:10,302 --> 00:14:11,836
not since you.
351
00:14:16,975 --> 00:14:18,442
I'm not sure if you're ready for this,
352
00:14:18,443 --> 00:14:19,746
to be honest.
353
00:14:20,947 --> 00:14:23,077
I think pr... I should probably go first.
354
00:14:23,115 --> 00:14:25,249
Yeah?
355
00:14:25,250 --> 00:14:26,717
Yeah, I think that's probably best.
356
00:14:26,718 --> 00:14:28,319
Really?
357
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:30,588
No. Not really.
358
00:14:30,589 --> 00:14:31,922
Why do you make me go there?
359
00:14:31,923 --> 00:14:32,857
I hate the Matherfields!
360
00:14:32,858 --> 00:14:34,058
They play all those stupid games and...
361
00:14:34,059 --> 00:14:36,060
Well, one of us has to be there on time.
362
00:14:36,061 --> 00:14:39,797
Carmen said that Lori is
making a special announcement.
363
00:14:39,798 --> 00:14:40,865
I'll be, like, an hour late.
364
00:14:40,866 --> 00:14:41,799
Wow, this is...
365
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:43,134
I think that might be
366
00:14:43,135 --> 00:14:44,335
actually too hot.
367
00:14:44,336 --> 00:14:46,470
I think you might burn corneas.
368
00:14:46,471 --> 00:14:48,673
Ooh, that is... that is good.
369
00:14:54,212 --> 00:14:56,014
Okay.
370
00:14:58,083 --> 00:14:59,817
What... why are we stopping?
371
00:14:59,818 --> 00:15:02,020
Because I want you to ravage me later.
372
00:15:03,555 --> 00:15:05,490
I mean, that's the plan, isn't it?
373
00:15:06,358 --> 00:15:07,558
I guess so.
374
00:15:16,368 --> 00:15:17,769
- Hey.
- Hi.
375
00:15:20,105 --> 00:15:21,172
You look really nice.
376
00:15:21,173 --> 00:15:23,174
Thank you. So do you.
377
00:15:23,175 --> 00:15:26,177
Thank. I... Thanks.
378
00:15:30,248 --> 00:15:31,315
I think that...
379
00:15:31,316 --> 00:15:34,385
I think we should be
able to get in soon, yeah.
380
00:15:34,386 --> 00:15:35,853
I'm scared shitless.
381
00:15:35,854 --> 00:15:37,054
Are you scared shitless?
382
00:15:37,055 --> 00:15:38,255
Yeah.
383
00:15:38,256 --> 00:15:40,257
I could order, but there's
no way in hell I could eat.
384
00:15:40,258 --> 00:15:41,325
Me too. Good.
385
00:15:41,326 --> 00:15:42,526
I could drink.
386
00:15:42,527 --> 00:15:44,596
Me too. Always.
387
00:15:45,997 --> 00:15:48,066
I have an idea.
388
00:16:03,615 --> 00:16:04,682
It's a fucking game,
389
00:16:04,683 --> 00:16:05,883
so who the fuck gives a
shit about these games?
390
00:16:05,884 --> 00:16:07,351
I love these games. What
are you talking about?
391
00:16:07,352 --> 00:16:09,487
What is with you tonight?
You seem very stressed.
392
00:16:09,488 --> 00:16:10,955
It's Emma.
393
00:16:10,956 --> 00:16:12,022
She's doing dinner with a colleague,
394
00:16:12,023 --> 00:16:14,291
and she's supposed to be
done by now, that's all.
395
00:16:14,292 --> 00:16:15,893
That's what's stressing you out so much?
396
00:16:15,894 --> 00:16:17,094
You check your phone,
like, every two seconds.
397
00:16:17,095 --> 00:16:18,162
Yeah, that's it.
398
00:16:18,163 --> 00:16:20,564
Okay. You want to play?
399
00:16:20,565 --> 00:16:22,700
- Can we play the game now?
- I'd love to play, okay.
400
00:16:22,701 --> 00:16:24,601
- Okay, I'll go first.
- Okay. Ready?
401
00:16:24,702 --> 00:16:27,104
♪ Happy Birthday... ♪
402
00:16:27,105 --> 00:16:28,640
♪ Mr. President ♪
403
00:16:30,041 --> 00:16:31,176
Too easy.
404
00:16:32,444 --> 00:16:33,644
I don't... I don't know.
405
00:16:33,645 --> 00:16:35,313
♪ Happy Birthday... ♪
406
00:16:37,249 --> 00:16:39,250
Oh, you're like a sexy baby?
407
00:16:39,251 --> 00:16:41,652
♪ ... Mr. President... ♪
408
00:16:41,653 --> 00:16:42,987
I don't know. Barack Obama.
409
00:16:42,988 --> 00:16:44,188
Are you joking?
410
00:16:44,189 --> 00:16:45,590
No, I have no idea.
411
00:16:46,458 --> 00:16:48,993
♪ Mr. President... ♪
412
00:16:48,994 --> 00:16:51,128
Happy Birthday, Mr.
President? What is that?
413
00:16:51,129 --> 00:16:52,997
The dress is coming up. Whoo!
414
00:16:52,998 --> 00:16:54,465
You're riding a pony?
415
00:16:54,466 --> 00:16:56,200
Hah! Oh!
416
00:16:56,201 --> 00:16:57,535
A diaper. You're wearing a diaper?
417
00:16:57,536 --> 00:16:59,204
- No.
- I feel like I'm getting close.
418
00:17:00,806 --> 00:17:02,206
- Hot Damn.
- Yeah?
419
00:17:02,207 --> 00:17:03,140
Literally, that's what it's called.
420
00:17:03,141 --> 00:17:05,076
Oh, my God.
421
00:17:08,613 --> 00:17:10,214
That just totally exfoliated my mouth.
422
00:17:10,215 --> 00:17:11,883
I loved it.
423
00:17:15,020 --> 00:17:16,620
I should have got two.
424
00:17:16,621 --> 00:17:19,156
Are you insinuating I drink too much?
425
00:17:19,157 --> 00:17:20,491
No, I...
426
00:17:20,492 --> 00:17:21,559
'Cause I totally do.
427
00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:23,027
I'm not exactly working on it,
428
00:17:23,028 --> 00:17:24,628
but I'm thinking about working on it
429
00:17:24,629 --> 00:17:27,632
in the near future, I
think, maybe, I don't know.
430
00:17:48,119 --> 00:17:49,987
Hot fucking Damn.
431
00:17:49,988 --> 00:17:52,389
I know a place.
432
00:17:52,390 --> 00:17:53,724
A hotel?
433
00:17:53,725 --> 00:17:55,527
Better.
434
00:17:58,530 --> 00:17:59,463
Isn't it delicious?
435
00:17:59,464 --> 00:18:00,664
Shirley Temple. Shirley Temple.
436
00:18:00,665 --> 00:18:02,399
- Are you joking with me right now?
- No.
437
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:03,931
You're the only person in the
world who doesn't know this.
438
00:18:03,942 --> 00:18:05,440
Well, can you give me
something else to work with?
439
00:18:05,441 --> 00:18:06,003
Give him another clue.
440
00:18:06,004 --> 00:18:07,071
I'm not giving him another clue.
441
00:18:07,072 --> 00:18:09,340
- What are you, refusing clues?
- Say it.
442
00:18:09,341 --> 00:18:10,541
I don't know what it is.
443
00:18:11,810 --> 00:18:13,744
You're an idiot.
444
00:18:13,745 --> 00:18:15,479
First, thank you all for coming,
445
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:17,081
but more importantly,
446
00:18:17,082 --> 00:18:18,549
I'm proud to announce
447
00:18:18,550 --> 00:18:21,352
that my beautiful and
brilliant wife, Lori...
448
00:18:21,353 --> 00:18:24,421
has just accepted a seat
449
00:18:24,422 --> 00:18:29,093
on the prestigious Hamilton
School Alumni Board!
450
00:18:29,094 --> 00:18:31,362
Thank you. Thank you all.
451
00:18:31,363 --> 00:18:32,696
You're so kind.
452
00:18:32,697 --> 00:18:34,298
Rest assured,
453
00:18:34,299 --> 00:18:37,234
I take my new position very seriously.
454
00:18:37,235 --> 00:18:39,770
- Oh my God.
- Okay, enough about me.
455
00:18:39,771 --> 00:18:42,306
I want you to enjoy the rest of the party.
456
00:18:42,307 --> 00:18:44,308
And, oh, we have devised
457
00:18:44,309 --> 00:18:46,577
an entirely new game
458
00:18:46,578 --> 00:18:48,979
that I think you all
459
00:18:48,980 --> 00:18:50,848
are going to be quite entertained by.
460
00:18:50,849 --> 00:18:52,316
More games?
461
00:18:52,317 --> 00:18:53,517
Okay, party!
462
00:18:53,518 --> 00:18:54,985
Party time! Come on!
463
00:18:54,986 --> 00:18:56,921
Thank you!
464
00:19:00,325 --> 00:19:01,659
- So...
- There she is.
465
00:19:01,660 --> 00:19:02,726
How much ass-kissing
466
00:19:02,727 --> 00:19:03,661
can you squeeze into three days,
467
00:19:03,662 --> 00:19:06,597
Assistant Dean Trakarsky?
468
00:19:06,598 --> 00:19:08,332
Congratulations, by the way.
469
00:19:08,333 --> 00:19:10,067
Thank you!
470
00:19:10,068 --> 00:19:11,802
More Chardonnay, madame?
471
00:19:11,803 --> 00:19:13,471
Oh, definitely.
472
00:19:16,608 --> 00:19:18,609
What?
473
00:19:18,610 --> 00:19:22,079
This is fucking amazing.
474
00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:23,814
Told you.
475
00:19:23,815 --> 00:19:25,282
You did good.
476
00:19:25,283 --> 00:19:26,617
- You like it?
- Yeah.
477
00:19:26,618 --> 00:19:28,553
Good.
478
00:19:30,488 --> 00:19:31,890
Nice, huh?
479
00:19:33,425 --> 00:19:35,292
I was awake for hours last night
480
00:19:35,293 --> 00:19:36,493
thinking about
481
00:19:36,494 --> 00:19:38,495
a married couple in Hawthorne Heights
482
00:19:38,496 --> 00:19:41,900
sleeping in bed together without me.
483
00:19:46,771 --> 00:19:49,425
- Oh, fuck. Did I scare you?
- No, no, no, no, no...
484
00:19:49,441 --> 00:19:51,575
Hold on. Just stay there.
485
00:19:51,576 --> 00:19:53,511
- Okay.
- Stay there.
486
00:19:55,180 --> 00:19:56,696
So I did a lot of homework.
487
00:19:56,997 --> 00:20:00,600
Yep, watched a lot of highly
highly disturbing videos,
488
00:20:00,785 --> 00:20:03,320
featuring on a vast array of vegetables.
489
00:20:03,321 --> 00:20:05,589
It was... it was very upsetting.
490
00:20:05,590 --> 00:20:06,924
I think I saw a gourd,
491
00:20:06,925 --> 00:20:08,392
or it could have been an eggplant,
492
00:20:08,393 --> 00:20:10,127
like a large one,
493
00:20:10,128 --> 00:20:11,462
I don't know.
494
00:20:11,463 --> 00:20:14,398
Anyways, I... I... I didn't learn much.
495
00:20:14,399 --> 00:20:17,135
Please tell me there are
no vegetables in there.
496
00:20:23,074 --> 00:20:24,808
Oh, my God, your laugh
makes me so nervous.
497
00:20:24,809 --> 00:20:26,611
I could be sick.
498
00:20:28,146 --> 00:20:30,348
But in a good way.
499
00:20:31,750 --> 00:20:33,818
You're so fucking beautiful.
500
00:20:44,696 --> 00:20:46,430
Lyric? Really?
501
00:20:46,431 --> 00:20:48,165
That's what you came up with?
502
00:20:51,236 --> 00:20:52,169
I've carried mounds of shame
503
00:20:52,170 --> 00:20:55,239
for 16 years now.
504
00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:56,306
"Mounds of Shame"
505
00:20:56,307 --> 00:20:58,442
is absolutely the name of my next band.
506
00:20:58,443 --> 00:21:00,577
You've been in bands?
507
00:21:00,578 --> 00:21:03,581
Did that turn you on?
508
00:21:05,383 --> 00:21:06,651
You okay?
509
00:21:29,274 --> 00:21:31,075
I love your eyes.
510
00:21:32,610 --> 00:21:34,478
They're, like, doe eyes,
511
00:21:34,479 --> 00:21:36,613
you probably heard that a million times.
512
00:21:36,614 --> 00:21:37,948
No, I've never heard that before.
513
00:21:37,949 --> 00:21:40,617
Yeah, I bet every dude says that to you.
514
00:21:42,353 --> 00:21:43,954
Your lips are so soft.
515
00:21:43,955 --> 00:21:46,757
It feels so weird to...
You don't have a beard.
516
00:21:46,758 --> 00:21:48,892
Yeah, not yet at least.
517
00:21:52,230 --> 00:21:53,697
The beauty mark on your right cheek
518
00:21:53,698 --> 00:21:58,036
is the first thing that made
me just go crazy for you.
519
00:22:00,905 --> 00:22:03,173
I used to try and scratch it off.
520
00:22:03,174 --> 00:22:04,110
That's dumb.
521
00:22:06,311 --> 00:22:08,111
Don't try to scratch it off.
522
00:22:09,012 --> 00:22:11,615
Okay. I won't.
523
00:22:11,716 --> 00:22:16,187
Shh. I think we just broke
the no penetration rule.
524
00:23:02,433 --> 00:23:04,635
Nobody this side of
Bedrock snores like that.
525
00:23:06,704 --> 00:23:09,173
Let's get this stink bomb out of here.
526
00:23:11,509 --> 00:23:12,976
Yes.
527
00:23:12,977 --> 00:23:14,845
Look at you.
528
00:23:14,846 --> 00:23:16,113
Let the ravaging begin.
529
00:23:16,814 --> 00:23:17,772
Babe...
530
00:23:18,273 --> 00:23:18,773
I swear if I come one more time
531
00:23:19,784 --> 00:23:21,986
I think I'll dry up and blow away.
532
00:23:22,987 --> 00:23:24,588
I'm so tired.
533
00:23:24,589 --> 00:23:26,323
You serious?
534
00:23:26,324 --> 00:23:27,791
Mm-hmm.
535
00:23:27,792 --> 00:23:30,994
What the hell?
536
00:23:30,995 --> 00:23:32,329
How many orgasms are we talking about?
537
00:23:32,330 --> 00:23:33,931
I thought we had a no orgasm rule.
538
00:23:33,932 --> 00:23:35,199
I just thought we were, like...
539
00:23:36,734 --> 00:23:37,801
we were...
540
00:23:37,802 --> 00:23:39,403
this whole thing was so
that we would bring it...
541
00:23:39,404 --> 00:23:41,004
We are doing this for us.
542
00:23:41,005 --> 00:23:42,739
Well, doesn't look like I'm
getting anything out of it,
543
00:23:42,740 --> 00:23:45,076
at this point.
544
00:23:52,884 --> 00:23:54,685
What were you doing for three hours?
545
00:23:55,687 --> 00:23:58,355
Um, I don't know, we walked and talked,
546
00:23:58,356 --> 00:24:00,958
and we drank.
547
00:24:03,027 --> 00:24:05,096
And we went to the roof.
548
00:24:05,964 --> 00:24:07,365
Which roof?
549
00:24:08,766 --> 00:24:10,568
Are you talking about our roof?
550
00:24:11,703 --> 00:24:13,036
You took her to our roof?
551
00:24:13,037 --> 00:24:14,237
Oh, my God.
552
00:24:14,238 --> 00:24:15,706
I'm sorry.
553
00:24:15,707 --> 00:24:16,907
Oh, my God.
554
00:24:16,908 --> 00:24:18,642
- Fuck.
- Are you okay?
555
00:24:18,643 --> 00:24:20,644
No.
556
00:24:20,645 --> 00:24:21,979
Am I okay?
557
00:24:21,980 --> 00:24:24,514
How could you...
558
00:24:24,515 --> 00:24:26,650
There's a fucking million places
you could have taken her...
559
00:24:26,651 --> 00:24:28,319
you took her there?
560
00:24:31,589 --> 00:24:33,724
It sounds so romantic.
561
00:24:33,725 --> 00:24:34,791
Babe, it's just new.
562
00:24:34,792 --> 00:24:36,927
It's a little confusing.
563
00:24:36,928 --> 00:24:39,931
I'll say. I am confused.
564
00:24:41,065 --> 00:24:44,335
Very confused about what, like...
565
00:24:46,404 --> 00:24:47,738
What about with Izzy,
like, in particularly?
566
00:24:47,739 --> 00:24:49,606
Is that something else?
567
00:24:49,607 --> 00:24:50,674
Izzy?
568
00:24:50,675 --> 00:24:51,608
Yes.
569
00:24:51,609 --> 00:24:54,078
Um...
570
00:24:56,414 --> 00:24:58,548
That...
571
00:24:58,549 --> 00:25:02,953
That is...
572
00:25:02,954 --> 00:25:04,889
That is a lot confusing.
573
00:25:07,492 --> 00:25:09,894
We promised we'd be honest, right?
574
00:25:09,895 --> 00:25:11,490
- Yeah.
- Then we have to be honest.
575
00:25:11,496 --> 00:25:13,497
I know, I just... seeing you like this
576
00:25:13,498 --> 00:25:15,166
is freaking me out a bit.
577
00:25:16,034 --> 00:25:18,369
I'm being honest. That's my honesty.
578
00:25:22,974 --> 00:25:24,574
Let's bring on the honesty.
579
00:25:24,575 --> 00:25:27,178
It's really... it's really working for me.
580
00:25:29,514 --> 00:25:31,114
Maybe a little jealousy's
good for both of us.
581
00:25:31,115 --> 00:25:33,718
Maybe.
582
00:25:38,723 --> 00:25:40,857
Hey...
583
00:25:40,858 --> 00:25:42,459
you going to go to bed like that?
584
00:25:42,460 --> 00:25:43,527
Yes.
585
00:25:43,528 --> 00:25:45,395
- You are?
- Yes.
586
00:25:45,396 --> 00:25:46,463
For real?
587
00:25:46,464 --> 00:25:47,798
I'm going to bed angry,
588
00:25:47,799 --> 00:25:49,800
'cause this is...
589
00:25:49,801 --> 00:25:51,134
I'm going to have a
million orgasms on my date,
590
00:25:51,135 --> 00:25:52,069
I can't wait.
591
00:25:52,070 --> 00:25:53,136
- You are?
- Yeah.
592
00:25:53,137 --> 00:25:54,471
What are you going to do on your date?
593
00:25:54,472 --> 00:25:56,206
- Come on every rooftop...
- Every rooftop?
594
00:25:57,141 --> 00:25:58,875
Stop it. I'm trying to be angry.
595
00:25:58,876 --> 00:26:01,345
- It's going to be raining...
- I'm trying to be angry.
596
00:27:06,144 --> 00:27:08,212
Iz, can I...
597
00:27:14,285 --> 00:27:16,153
What are you doing?
598
00:27:16,154 --> 00:27:18,155
Sleeping.
599
00:27:18,156 --> 00:27:19,623
No, you're not.
600
00:27:19,624 --> 00:27:21,826
Yeah, I was.
601
00:27:30,968 --> 00:27:32,770
Well, fuck.
602
00:28:18,150 --> 00:28:20,403
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