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- synced and corrected by peritta -
- edits by chamallow -
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Previously on You, Me, Her...
3
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How often are you having sex?
4
00:00:09,301 --> 00:00:10,401
If I stuck my tongue in Emma's mouth,
5
00:00:10,402 --> 00:00:12,604
she's probably just crack up laughing.
6
00:00:12,605 --> 00:00:13,938
You do it with someone you don't know.
7
00:00:13,939 --> 00:00:16,507
Someone who doesn't laugh
when you get your sexy on.
8
00:00:16,508 --> 00:00:17,642
I'm talking about an escort.
9
00:00:17,643 --> 00:00:20,278
- One more week.
- There's my little hooker.
10
00:00:20,279 --> 00:00:22,046
We're escorts. It's different.
11
00:00:22,101 --> 00:00:23,442
I love you, weirdo.
12
00:00:23,444 --> 00:00:24,712
Fuck.
13
00:00:25,250 --> 00:00:26,951
Jesus, I can't do this.
What's wrong with me?
14
00:00:26,952 --> 00:00:28,019
I came clean.
15
00:00:28,020 --> 00:00:29,354
Don't I get points for coming clean?
16
00:00:29,355 --> 00:00:30,612
- Show me.
- Show you what?
17
00:00:30,614 --> 00:00:31,730
I want to see her.
18
00:00:31,781 --> 00:00:33,061
Wow, you are really pretty.
19
00:00:35,227 --> 00:00:36,160
Surprise.
20
00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:37,629
The reason why I hired you
21
00:00:37,630 --> 00:00:39,197
is to save my marriage, actually.
22
00:00:39,198 --> 00:00:40,932
- I met Izzy today.
- What?
23
00:00:40,933 --> 00:00:42,533
And I probably should have told you this
24
00:00:42,534 --> 00:00:43,701
a long, long time ago,
25
00:00:43,702 --> 00:00:46,137
but, um...
26
00:00:46,138 --> 00:00:48,140
she wasn't my first girl.
27
00:01:04,356 --> 00:01:05,557
Hey.
28
00:01:07,726 --> 00:01:10,528
So, in the half hour or
so that I actually slept,
29
00:01:10,529 --> 00:01:12,630
I had the weirdest dream.
30
00:01:12,631 --> 00:01:13,731
We did it on the kitchen floor...
31
00:01:13,732 --> 00:01:16,668
Wow.
32
00:01:16,669 --> 00:01:17,669
Yeah.
33
00:01:17,670 --> 00:01:19,370
And then you told me
34
00:01:19,371 --> 00:01:21,372
you got a foot job under the table
35
00:01:21,373 --> 00:01:23,574
from a girl.
36
00:01:23,575 --> 00:01:27,078
That's so much like my dream,
37
00:01:27,079 --> 00:01:30,448
except before that girl gave
me a foot job under the table,
38
00:01:30,449 --> 00:01:32,217
you made out with her in a hotel room.
39
00:01:34,153 --> 00:01:35,153
What if it really happened?
40
00:01:35,154 --> 00:01:37,422
How crazy would that be?
41
00:01:37,423 --> 00:01:38,857
So crazy.
42
00:01:39,658 --> 00:01:42,593
So what now?
43
00:01:42,594 --> 00:01:44,796
Well, it's early.
44
00:01:49,134 --> 00:01:50,101
- Oh... Oh, God.
- Yeah.
45
00:01:50,102 --> 00:01:51,569
Yeah.
46
00:01:51,570 --> 00:01:53,538
There's a reason why that
only happens in movies.
47
00:01:53,539 --> 00:01:54,739
Call the CDC.
48
00:01:54,740 --> 00:01:56,374
I think we just created a plague.
49
00:01:56,375 --> 00:01:57,676
- Should we...
- Yeah.
50
00:02:13,325 --> 00:02:15,093
You're disgusting.
51
00:02:15,094 --> 00:02:16,962
You make me sick.
52
00:02:27,473 --> 00:02:29,841
Go. Run. Save yourself.
53
00:02:29,842 --> 00:02:32,643
At least one of your organs is in there.
54
00:02:32,644 --> 00:02:33,644
So gross.
55
00:02:33,645 --> 00:02:36,281
Okay, then.
56
00:02:37,583 --> 00:02:41,285
Today is the first day of your
life, Isabelle Marie Silva.
57
00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:42,453
You are stripped bare,
58
00:02:42,454 --> 00:02:43,654
born anew,
59
00:02:43,655 --> 00:02:45,723
and now you must wash all the sins of...
60
00:02:48,260 --> 00:02:50,661
Oh, fuck.
61
00:02:50,662 --> 00:02:52,330
Andy.
62
00:02:52,331 --> 00:02:54,332
Or you could just stop
being a selfish cunt.
63
00:02:54,333 --> 00:02:56,401
Could you... could you do that for me?
64
00:02:57,703 --> 00:03:01,272
So, can we talk
65
00:03:01,273 --> 00:03:04,208
about this whole girl-girl-girl...
66
00:03:04,209 --> 00:03:05,309
phase,
67
00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:06,744
whatever it was?
68
00:03:06,745 --> 00:03:07,745
Like...
69
00:03:07,746 --> 00:03:09,781
why didn't you tell me about this?
70
00:03:11,450 --> 00:03:12,450
Um...
71
00:03:12,451 --> 00:03:15,086
Something we should have...
72
00:03:15,087 --> 00:03:17,455
I'm sorry. I should have.
73
00:03:17,456 --> 00:03:18,856
Maybe I should see
74
00:03:18,857 --> 00:03:20,892
if Dina has a cancellation
later today or something?
75
00:03:20,893 --> 00:03:22,660
Does it bother you?
76
00:03:22,661 --> 00:03:23,795
It's... I think...
77
00:03:23,796 --> 00:03:25,263
we should talk about it at least.
78
00:03:25,264 --> 00:03:26,264
Okay. Yeah.
79
00:03:26,265 --> 00:03:28,566
Just to wrap our heads around it
80
00:03:28,567 --> 00:03:30,735
in the company of a professional?
81
00:03:30,736 --> 00:03:31,836
Yeah.
82
00:03:31,837 --> 00:03:32,837
That is a good idea.
83
00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:33,871
Good, right?
84
00:03:33,872 --> 00:03:34,872
You're full of good ideas.
85
00:03:40,879 --> 00:03:42,413
So, it's me again,
86
00:03:42,414 --> 00:03:44,715
the loathsome, sociopathic
no-show from last night?
87
00:03:44,716 --> 00:03:46,317
This is try number seven, Andrew,
88
00:03:46,318 --> 00:03:49,487
which legally constitutes
cellular groveling.
89
00:03:49,488 --> 00:03:50,655
So, call now
90
00:03:50,656 --> 00:03:53,357
and receive one sexual favor
in a semi-public place...
91
00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:55,760
Sorry, that was... that was weird.
92
00:03:55,761 --> 00:03:58,863
Um, just call me back, okay?
93
00:03:58,864 --> 00:04:00,632
I miss you.
94
00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:04,069
What is that?
95
00:04:07,206 --> 00:04:08,473
Hello.
96
00:04:09,408 --> 00:04:10,408
Whatcha doing?
97
00:04:10,409 --> 00:04:11,609
Don't distract me.
98
00:04:11,610 --> 00:04:13,578
I'm trying to, like, black
out the last 60 seconds
99
00:04:13,579 --> 00:04:15,947
so that we can keep living together.
100
00:04:15,948 --> 00:04:18,182
Just, by the way,
101
00:04:18,183 --> 00:04:19,317
it's painfully transparent
102
00:04:19,318 --> 00:04:20,318
that you're only into
Andy when he cuts you off.
103
00:04:20,319 --> 00:04:22,220
I'm just saying.
104
00:04:22,221 --> 00:04:24,455
What?
105
00:04:24,456 --> 00:04:25,756
Where are the dolls?
106
00:04:25,757 --> 00:04:27,391
You know what this is?
107
00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:29,227
You're, like, deep into
108
00:04:29,228 --> 00:04:30,928
another of your spastic,
109
00:04:30,929 --> 00:04:34,498
reactionary self-improvement
programs, right?
110
00:04:34,499 --> 00:04:36,134
No, Nina.
111
00:04:36,969 --> 00:04:38,970
I'm getting my shit together.
112
00:04:39,771 --> 00:04:41,539
People do it all the time.
113
00:04:41,540 --> 00:04:42,907
No, you...
114
00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:44,442
You do it all the time, Iz.
115
00:04:44,443 --> 00:04:46,410
You ever consider just,
like, keeping it together,
116
00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:48,579
relatively speaking?
117
00:04:48,580 --> 00:04:49,981
Or do you secretly dig
118
00:04:49,982 --> 00:04:51,215
this whole death and resurrection cycle
119
00:04:51,216 --> 00:04:52,583
that you're trapped in?
120
00:04:52,584 --> 00:04:53,684
Ahem.
121
00:04:53,685 --> 00:04:55,253
I do have a question for you, though?
122
00:04:55,254 --> 00:04:56,254
Okay.
123
00:04:56,255 --> 00:04:57,255
Yeah. What the fuck is that?
124
00:04:57,256 --> 00:04:58,456
How many times have I told you
125
00:04:58,457 --> 00:04:59,857
to not leave your nail polish up here?
126
00:04:59,858 --> 00:05:01,225
I didn't leave my nail polish up there.
127
00:05:01,226 --> 00:05:02,860
Every time. Does it... Does
it look like it belongs?
128
00:05:13,505 --> 00:05:17,708
I don't care about your personal problems,
129
00:05:17,709 --> 00:05:20,411
Piper or Meghan, or whoever you are.
130
00:05:20,412 --> 00:05:22,481
Come in, please.
131
00:05:24,016 --> 00:05:25,616
Fred? Are you in there?
132
00:05:25,617 --> 00:05:27,919
Izzy?
133
00:05:29,488 --> 00:05:30,755
Remember that?
134
00:06:01,753 --> 00:06:03,922
So, here's the thing...
135
00:06:05,290 --> 00:06:08,359
I've been a very, very bad girl, Jack,
136
00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:12,697
and I need some firm counseling.
137
00:06:13,532 --> 00:06:14,733
Think you can do that?
138
00:06:35,420 --> 00:06:36,721
Jack, Jack, Jack.
139
00:06:36,722 --> 00:06:37,722
You know, you can schedule
140
00:06:37,723 --> 00:06:38,990
an emergency therapy session,
141
00:06:38,991 --> 00:06:40,057
lock the doors,
142
00:06:40,058 --> 00:06:41,359
build a moat,
143
00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:42,560
put some sharks in it,
144
00:06:42,561 --> 00:06:45,096
but there's just one little problem...
145
00:06:50,502 --> 00:06:51,703
I'm already inside.
146
00:06:55,941 --> 00:06:58,109
Surprise.
147
00:07:01,580 --> 00:07:02,580
Can you be cool?
148
00:07:02,581 --> 00:07:05,150
I think so.
149
00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:39,150
Ahem. Ahem.
150
00:07:39,151 --> 00:07:40,418
Oh, my God!
151
00:07:40,419 --> 00:07:41,585
Um...
152
00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:42,887
Jack?
153
00:07:43,722 --> 00:07:44,923
Jack?
154
00:07:47,826 --> 00:07:48,826
Dean Weinstock.
155
00:07:48,827 --> 00:07:49,860
Might I have a word?
156
00:07:49,861 --> 00:07:50,895
You may.
157
00:07:50,896 --> 00:07:52,763
May I suggest "capricious"?
158
00:07:52,764 --> 00:07:54,532
That's a favorite.
159
00:07:54,533 --> 00:07:56,167
Um, so is that my lamp,
160
00:07:56,168 --> 00:07:58,436
or are you just happy to see me?
161
00:07:58,437 --> 00:07:59,970
Wow. Why would I say that?
162
00:07:59,971 --> 00:08:01,972
I sound like I'm offering
you sexual favors,
163
00:08:01,973 --> 00:08:03,574
which...
164
00:08:03,575 --> 00:08:04,975
which I guarantee you I'm not.
165
00:08:05,811 --> 00:08:07,812
Are you somebody's son?
166
00:08:07,813 --> 00:08:08,813
I mean, like,
167
00:08:08,814 --> 00:08:10,181
everybody's somebody's son,
168
00:08:10,182 --> 00:08:12,616
but are you, like, somebody's son,
169
00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:13,818
like a big client or something?
170
00:08:13,819 --> 00:08:15,619
Please tell me you're not.
171
00:08:15,620 --> 00:08:17,655
I'm going to write you a
really good recommendation
172
00:08:17,656 --> 00:08:18,923
when you go back to school.
173
00:08:18,924 --> 00:08:21,792
Oh, don't bother clearing
that browsing history.
174
00:08:21,793 --> 00:08:24,095
Your porn's already been
logged and ostracized.
175
00:08:24,096 --> 00:08:26,831
I don't... porn on this...
176
00:08:26,832 --> 00:08:28,165
on the computers, no.
177
00:08:28,166 --> 00:08:29,166
That's not my...
178
00:08:29,167 --> 00:08:30,734
I'm joking.
179
00:08:30,735 --> 00:08:32,036
Okay.
180
00:08:32,037 --> 00:08:33,204
Funny.
181
00:08:33,205 --> 00:08:35,365
However, there is something
we need to talk about.
182
00:08:41,046 --> 00:08:43,481
Whatever you feel matters only to you.
183
00:08:43,482 --> 00:08:47,218
Whatever you do about
it matters to the world.
184
00:08:47,219 --> 00:08:50,054
Your life and your relationships
185
00:08:50,055 --> 00:08:52,424
are a sum of your choices and actions.
186
00:08:53,792 --> 00:08:55,126
Meatloaf is just an excuse
187
00:08:55,127 --> 00:08:57,094
to serve a giant bunless hamburger.
188
00:09:04,202 --> 00:09:07,471
Andy! Hi. Hi. You called.
189
00:09:07,472 --> 00:09:08,806
Um, choose your favorite greeting.
190
00:09:08,807 --> 00:09:09,807
One...
191
00:09:09,808 --> 00:09:12,843
I am a nice guy, Iz,
192
00:09:12,844 --> 00:09:16,514
but don't mistake that
for me being a pushover.
193
00:09:16,515 --> 00:09:19,217
How about we just move
on to something healthier?
194
00:09:21,586 --> 00:09:23,121
Please?
195
00:09:24,523 --> 00:09:25,489
Okay.
196
00:09:25,490 --> 00:09:26,891
All right, all right.
197
00:09:30,862 --> 00:09:32,596
You know what, it worked.
198
00:09:32,597 --> 00:09:33,597
I can't believe I'm saying this,
199
00:09:33,598 --> 00:09:36,534
but your stupid moron
plan actually worked.
200
00:09:36,535 --> 00:09:38,035
Em and I are having crazy sex.
201
00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:39,937
We mopped the kitchen floor
with each other last night.
202
00:09:39,938 --> 00:09:41,071
Mm-hmm.
203
00:09:41,072 --> 00:09:42,206
Like, real sex.
204
00:09:42,207 --> 00:09:44,175
We were engaged and
looking at each other...
205
00:09:44,176 --> 00:09:45,509
and making out.
206
00:09:45,510 --> 00:09:46,710
We haven't made out in years.
207
00:09:46,711 --> 00:09:47,878
I think we're going to do it tonight, too.
208
00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:50,548
You're welcome.
209
00:09:50,549 --> 00:09:51,649
My work here is done.
210
00:09:51,650 --> 00:09:53,817
Why am I still fantasizing
about Izzy, though,
211
00:09:53,818 --> 00:09:54,952
instead of Emma?
212
00:09:54,953 --> 00:09:57,087
Dude, honestly,
213
00:09:57,088 --> 00:10:00,157
does anybody fantasize about their wife?
214
00:10:00,158 --> 00:10:01,625
I mean, I own
215
00:10:01,626 --> 00:10:04,161
an obscenely expensive black sports car
216
00:10:04,162 --> 00:10:06,163
that does 0 to 140 in, like, six seconds.
217
00:10:06,164 --> 00:10:07,765
Do you think I fantasize
218
00:10:07,766 --> 00:10:08,933
about driving
219
00:10:08,934 --> 00:10:10,234
an obscenely expensive black sports car
220
00:10:10,235 --> 00:10:12,136
that does 0 to 140 in six seconds?
221
00:10:12,137 --> 00:10:13,938
That makes no sense whatsoever.
222
00:10:13,939 --> 00:10:16,173
I'll get the Meaty Jackson 3
223
00:10:16,174 --> 00:10:17,675
and he'll have The Hot Angie.
224
00:10:17,676 --> 00:10:19,743
Thank you.
225
00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:20,911
So, just to be clear,
226
00:10:20,912 --> 00:10:24,081
my wife is the car in your metaphor?
227
00:10:24,082 --> 00:10:25,182
- Yeah. Yeah.
- I don't get it.
228
00:10:25,183 --> 00:10:26,917
A very sexy car.
229
00:10:26,918 --> 00:10:28,185
If there was a reasonable method,
230
00:10:28,186 --> 00:10:30,522
I'd totally fuck my car.
231
00:10:31,690 --> 00:10:33,891
Why do I come...
232
00:10:33,892 --> 00:10:35,159
What? What?
233
00:10:36,161 --> 00:10:37,328
What is your problem?
234
00:10:37,329 --> 00:10:38,562
There's a million people
I could come to advice for,
235
00:10:38,563 --> 00:10:39,697
I come to you. I have a
lot of my plate right now.
236
00:10:39,698 --> 00:10:40,831
I have...
237
00:10:40,832 --> 00:10:42,600
Weinstock is retiring as dean
238
00:10:42,601 --> 00:10:44,735
and he's recommending
me as his replacement.
239
00:10:44,736 --> 00:10:46,136
I know.
240
00:10:46,137 --> 00:10:49,006
So... so, in addition
241
00:10:49,007 --> 00:10:51,141
to you being unable to avoid getting laid,
242
00:10:51,142 --> 00:10:52,977
even in your sleep,
243
00:10:52,978 --> 00:10:54,912
you're gonna be the dean
244
00:10:54,913 --> 00:10:57,181
of one of the top private high schools
245
00:10:57,182 --> 00:10:58,649
on the West Coast?
246
00:10:58,650 --> 00:11:00,584
I walked right into that one.
247
00:11:00,585 --> 00:11:01,719
Yeah.
248
00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:02,720
God!
249
00:11:02,721 --> 00:11:03,721
- Gotta get the food here.
- Get the food.
250
00:11:03,722 --> 00:11:06,558
It's the least you can
do after I pay for it.
251
00:11:07,692 --> 00:11:08,993
Thank you.
252
00:11:12,063 --> 00:11:13,831
Here's the thing, man, with Izzy,
253
00:11:13,832 --> 00:11:15,065
we didn't just make out.
254
00:11:15,066 --> 00:11:16,867
We went much further than that.
255
00:11:16,868 --> 00:11:19,236
What kind of guy does something like that?
256
00:11:19,237 --> 00:11:22,273
A guy with a dick?
257
00:11:22,274 --> 00:11:23,941
The other problem I have is
258
00:11:23,942 --> 00:11:25,876
Weinstock said that they monitor
259
00:11:25,877 --> 00:11:27,711
our Internet use at the office,
260
00:11:27,712 --> 00:11:29,647
and I used the office
computer to contact Izzy.
261
00:11:29,648 --> 00:11:30,948
You what?
262
00:11:30,949 --> 00:11:32,816
Ow! Come on, man. Stop
fucking smacking me.
263
00:11:32,817 --> 00:11:33,884
Stop being such a dumb-ass!
264
00:11:33,885 --> 00:11:35,152
- We are adults.
- Adults?
265
00:11:35,153 --> 00:11:36,153
We are adults.
266
00:11:36,154 --> 00:11:38,923
Get your hands off my suit!
267
00:11:40,225 --> 00:11:41,225
- Oh, what?
- Yeah.
268
00:11:41,226 --> 00:11:42,994
What was that?
269
00:11:44,162 --> 00:11:46,664
Sorry, sorry. He's my
brother. I apologize.
270
00:11:46,665 --> 00:11:49,333
Listen, you better run.
271
00:11:55,140 --> 00:11:56,774
Stay with it.
272
00:11:56,775 --> 00:11:59,810
Say no to your brain's defense mechanism
273
00:11:59,811 --> 00:12:02,346
of retreat and surrender.
274
00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:06,083
Say yes to your will, your intentions.
275
00:12:06,084 --> 00:12:08,953
You're not going to
have an orgasm, are you?
276
00:12:09,821 --> 00:12:10,854
Mm. No promises.
277
00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:14,325
I'm having some kind of
mind-body renaissance.
278
00:12:14,326 --> 00:12:15,326
Stay present.
279
00:12:15,327 --> 00:12:18,429
Be with your body.
280
00:12:18,430 --> 00:12:20,297
Trust your body.
281
00:12:20,298 --> 00:12:23,100
Be thankful for all that she does for you.
282
00:12:23,101 --> 00:12:25,869
Hear her.
283
00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:28,138
I can hear this one
Kegel-ing from over here.
284
00:12:28,139 --> 00:12:29,340
Shut up!
285
00:12:30,408 --> 00:12:33,844
Oh, wow, Emma, just beautiful.
286
00:12:33,845 --> 00:12:35,446
You're glowing.
287
00:12:35,447 --> 00:12:37,748
Everyone, if you can manage
to look over here at Emma,
288
00:12:37,749 --> 00:12:42,086
this is what it looks
like to trust your body.
289
00:12:42,087 --> 00:12:43,288
You inspire me, Emma.
290
00:12:46,024 --> 00:12:48,092
I have a great teacher.
291
00:12:48,093 --> 00:12:50,094
Namaste.
292
00:12:53,031 --> 00:12:55,199
And into downward dog.
293
00:13:01,873 --> 00:13:05,743
Got a little something on
your nose, there, Moonbeam.
294
00:13:05,744 --> 00:13:07,277
Jealous much?
295
00:13:07,278 --> 00:13:08,946
I'm simply accustomed
296
00:13:08,947 --> 00:13:10,214
to being better than you at everything,
297
00:13:10,215 --> 00:13:11,882
especially yoga.
298
00:13:11,883 --> 00:13:14,418
You are not better than me at everything.
299
00:13:14,419 --> 00:13:16,253
I'm waiting.
300
00:13:16,254 --> 00:13:19,324
I'm better than you at
hooking up with girls.
301
00:13:21,159 --> 00:13:22,493
Are we talking about
302
00:13:22,494 --> 00:13:25,062
the hideously deformed grad student?
303
00:13:25,063 --> 00:13:26,830
We are.
304
00:13:26,831 --> 00:13:29,166
We made out in the bathroom.
305
00:13:29,167 --> 00:13:31,127
After she gave me a
foot job under the table.
306
00:13:32,504 --> 00:13:34,439
I can't stop thinking about it.
307
00:13:36,107 --> 00:13:37,107
Oh.
308
00:13:37,108 --> 00:13:39,743
What's wrong?
309
00:13:39,744 --> 00:13:40,978
Just...
310
00:13:40,979 --> 00:13:43,046
If you're back into chicks,
why not me, you big lesbo?
311
00:13:43,047 --> 00:13:45,416
I mean, I'd refuse you, of course, but...
312
00:13:45,417 --> 00:13:47,117
Okay, first of all, I
am not a "big lesbo,"
313
00:13:47,118 --> 00:13:48,919
which is offensive, by the way.
314
00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:50,354
And second...
315
00:13:50,355 --> 00:13:53,056
I don't even know if
I'm "back into chicks."
316
00:13:53,057 --> 00:13:54,258
Double air quotes. Mine.
317
00:13:56,027 --> 00:13:58,095
So did she initiate?
318
00:13:58,096 --> 00:14:01,498
Were you, like, a
passive participant or...
319
00:14:01,499 --> 00:14:05,002
I was no lady in the ladies room.
320
00:14:05,003 --> 00:14:06,236
What does that mean?
321
00:14:06,237 --> 00:14:07,237
How far did you go?
322
00:14:07,238 --> 00:14:09,540
Were you guys, like, eating at the Y?
323
00:14:09,541 --> 00:14:10,808
Ew. I don't even know what that means.
324
00:14:10,809 --> 00:14:13,977
Have you told Jack?
325
00:14:13,978 --> 00:14:16,080
Yeah.
326
00:14:18,016 --> 00:14:19,283
I kind of feel like
327
00:14:19,284 --> 00:14:22,720
I'm dangling my marriage out
a 10-story window right now.
328
00:14:24,055 --> 00:14:25,055
But at the same time,
329
00:14:25,056 --> 00:14:27,424
I'm into him more than ever.
330
00:14:27,425 --> 00:14:29,259
You know, I want him again.
331
00:14:29,260 --> 00:14:32,196
Does that make sense?
332
00:14:33,965 --> 00:14:35,365
People jump out of
perfectly good airplanes
333
00:14:35,366 --> 00:14:37,468
for a reason, babydoll.
334
00:14:39,270 --> 00:14:40,772
Maybe.
335
00:14:42,140 --> 00:14:45,108
Are you and Carmen having
your post-yoga wine?
336
00:14:45,109 --> 00:14:46,109
A little Pinot?
337
00:14:46,110 --> 00:14:47,177
She took mine
338
00:14:47,178 --> 00:14:49,346
when I air quoted twice
in the same sentence.
339
00:14:49,347 --> 00:14:50,647
Okay, good,
340
00:14:50,648 --> 00:14:53,450
because I just booked a time
with Dina in about 30 minutes.
341
00:14:53,451 --> 00:14:54,518
I'll meet you there.
342
00:14:54,519 --> 00:14:55,853
I'm gonna get there early,
343
00:14:55,854 --> 00:14:56,854
and just kind of establish my position
344
00:14:56,855 --> 00:14:57,855
as the good guy in this situation.
345
00:14:57,856 --> 00:14:59,490
A, our shrink is a chick,
346
00:14:59,491 --> 00:15:00,858
B, you started the whole thing
347
00:15:00,859 --> 00:15:01,992
by calling a hooker,
348
00:15:01,993 --> 00:15:03,494
so C, you are screwed.
349
00:15:03,495 --> 00:15:04,495
Wait, did you just say
350
00:15:04,496 --> 00:15:05,863
all this in front of Carmen?
351
00:15:05,864 --> 00:15:07,264
No. No, of course not.
352
00:15:07,265 --> 00:15:08,265
She's, uh...
353
00:15:08,266 --> 00:15:09,667
she's pooping.
354
00:15:10,935 --> 00:15:13,103
I'm sure she'll be thrilled
355
00:15:13,104 --> 00:15:14,471
you're outing her pooping habits.
356
00:15:14,472 --> 00:15:15,873
Yeah.
357
00:15:15,874 --> 00:15:17,074
It's... it's a yoga thing.
358
00:15:17,075 --> 00:15:19,977
You know, run to the bathroom,
359
00:15:19,978 --> 00:15:21,211
occasional fight over a stall.
360
00:15:21,212 --> 00:15:23,113
You know, yoga.
361
00:15:23,114 --> 00:15:24,982
Okay. I love you. See you there.
362
00:15:24,983 --> 00:15:27,050
Love you, Babe. Bye.
363
00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:28,051
I'm sorry.
364
00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:31,388
Anything but poo. Anything but poo.
365
00:15:31,389 --> 00:15:33,390
You know what, just next
time, tell him I died.
366
00:15:41,165 --> 00:15:42,366
There you are.
367
00:15:51,910 --> 00:15:53,377
Okay.
368
00:15:54,312 --> 00:15:55,312
I'm trying really hard
369
00:15:55,313 --> 00:15:57,614
to be... patiently submissive here,
370
00:15:57,615 --> 00:16:00,484
but this steely silence thing
371
00:16:00,485 --> 00:16:01,618
is... is...
372
00:16:01,619 --> 00:16:04,087
just about to cross the line
373
00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:06,123
between self-empowerment
and douchebaggery.
374
00:16:06,124 --> 00:16:08,258
I think you might be my penance.
375
00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:10,894
For the evil man-deeds of your past?
376
00:16:10,895 --> 00:16:11,862
You gotta see it
377
00:16:11,863 --> 00:16:14,298
through now, right?
378
00:16:14,299 --> 00:16:16,633
Suffer. Be cleansed.
379
00:16:16,634 --> 00:16:19,903
I'm all done suffering, Iz.
380
00:16:19,904 --> 00:16:22,072
I know.
381
00:16:22,073 --> 00:16:23,674
Yeah, you do?
382
00:16:23,675 --> 00:16:25,576
I do. Yes.
383
00:16:25,577 --> 00:16:27,077
Good,
384
00:16:27,078 --> 00:16:31,682
'cause you are going to
take me on a proper date.
385
00:16:31,683 --> 00:16:33,684
Is that right?
386
00:16:33,685 --> 00:16:36,920
You are going to court me first.
387
00:16:36,921 --> 00:16:38,221
Okay.
388
00:16:38,222 --> 00:16:39,656
Then you're going to woo me...
389
00:16:39,657 --> 00:16:41,058
Uh-huh.
390
00:16:41,059 --> 00:16:43,227
And wine and dine me.
391
00:16:44,162 --> 00:16:45,696
Any chance I'm gonna get some?
392
00:16:45,697 --> 00:16:49,032
I'm a sure thing. Yeah. Complete slut.
393
00:16:49,033 --> 00:16:50,267
Sold.
394
00:16:50,268 --> 00:16:51,635
So when's the big date?
395
00:16:51,636 --> 00:16:53,370
Right now.
396
00:16:53,371 --> 00:16:55,105
No possibility of flaking
397
00:16:55,106 --> 00:16:56,640
or turning it into some sloppy booty call.
398
00:16:56,641 --> 00:16:57,641
Let's just go.
399
00:16:57,642 --> 00:16:58,642
Okay, just bag it up.
400
00:16:58,643 --> 00:17:01,178
What?
401
00:17:01,179 --> 00:17:02,412
Recall, if you will,
402
00:17:02,413 --> 00:17:04,281
literally counting down
from 60 on your phone?
403
00:17:04,282 --> 00:17:06,216
You know when I get the O.C.
404
00:17:06,217 --> 00:17:07,317
I was cleaning,
405
00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:09,086
shit was crazy at the house.
406
00:17:09,087 --> 00:17:10,153
Like, I'm sweating.
407
00:17:10,154 --> 00:17:13,223
Like, I'm... I'm not...
I'm vile right now.
408
00:17:13,224 --> 00:17:15,225
You really need to give me a minute.
409
00:17:15,226 --> 00:17:16,427
Suffer. Be cleansed.
410
00:17:17,495 --> 00:17:21,665
Why don't we... just meet here in an hour?
411
00:17:21,666 --> 00:17:22,666
Okay?
412
00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:25,736
I wanna be pretty for you.
413
00:17:35,980 --> 00:17:38,982
Um... you're cheating.
414
00:17:38,983 --> 00:17:39,983
What?
415
00:17:39,984 --> 00:17:41,685
- This is cheating.
- What? No.
416
00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:45,355
Am I ever going to have
any control in this thing?
417
00:17:45,356 --> 00:17:47,724
How honest do you want me to be?
418
00:17:52,497 --> 00:17:55,098
It was the summer of my junior year,
419
00:17:55,099 --> 00:17:58,035
and Barcelona was crawling with students.
420
00:17:58,036 --> 00:17:59,302
I...
421
00:17:59,303 --> 00:18:00,470
I was in this bar,
422
00:18:00,471 --> 00:18:01,705
and this girl comes in,
423
00:18:01,706 --> 00:18:03,507
and she was with this
really good-looking dude,
424
00:18:03,508 --> 00:18:04,508
so I thought it was her boyfriend.
425
00:18:04,509 --> 00:18:05,676
Turns out he was her gay best friend.
426
00:18:05,677 --> 00:18:08,211
And...
427
00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:09,780
He dared us to make out.
428
00:18:09,781 --> 00:18:10,781
He took up a collection.
429
00:18:10,782 --> 00:18:13,083
Oh, God, this is...
430
00:18:13,084 --> 00:18:15,619
Well, Dina said we could
unlock the memories.
431
00:18:15,620 --> 00:18:17,554
It's unhealthy to deny the past,
432
00:18:17,555 --> 00:18:18,722
especially from our partners.
433
00:18:18,723 --> 00:18:19,723
It's who we are.
434
00:18:19,724 --> 00:18:22,259
Awesome. Yeah. Keep going, honey.
435
00:18:22,260 --> 00:18:25,395
It turns out Evangeline
had, um... put him up to it.
436
00:18:25,396 --> 00:18:28,432
Please. I'm sorry, Dina.
437
00:18:28,433 --> 00:18:29,566
Evangeline?
438
00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:31,001
No one's really called Evangeline.
439
00:18:31,002 --> 00:18:32,569
At first, we would just
440
00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:34,639
steal kisses in alleys...
441
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:38,775
Then we would walk through
town, holding hands...
442
00:18:38,776 --> 00:18:40,777
It's embarrassing how
cool I thought I was.
443
00:18:40,778 --> 00:18:42,546
I'm currently embarrassed for you,
444
00:18:42,547 --> 00:18:44,749
your telling this story.
445
00:18:46,584 --> 00:18:49,786
You know, I think I was in love with her.
446
00:18:49,787 --> 00:18:51,488
Yeah.
447
00:18:51,489 --> 00:18:52,489
I was in love with...
448
00:18:52,490 --> 00:18:54,892
I almost fucked Izzy.
449
00:18:59,063 --> 00:19:00,831
Yeah. As long as we're unlocking secrets.
450
00:19:00,832 --> 00:19:02,499
I almost fucked Izzy.
451
00:19:02,500 --> 00:19:04,434
We were right on the border, man.
452
00:19:04,435 --> 00:19:06,203
It was like on the razor's edge.
453
00:19:06,204 --> 00:19:07,304
Oh, well, you know,
454
00:19:07,305 --> 00:19:08,305
If you have unfinished business,
455
00:19:08,306 --> 00:19:09,539
by all means, be my guest.
456
00:19:09,540 --> 00:19:10,540
Well, excuse me,
457
00:19:10,541 --> 00:19:11,808
I'm the one sitting here,
458
00:19:11,809 --> 00:19:13,710
listening to your dreamy
lesbian nostalgia-gasm.
459
00:19:13,711 --> 00:19:15,378
Okay, you guys, let's not...
460
00:19:15,379 --> 00:19:17,781
Back up, Dina, okay? This is our moment.
461
00:19:17,782 --> 00:19:19,516
It's your obscenely expensive session,
462
00:19:19,517 --> 00:19:20,517
so have at it.
463
00:19:20,518 --> 00:19:22,853
Okay, since it is our session,
464
00:19:22,854 --> 00:19:24,554
can I talk about this fucking music, okay?
465
00:19:24,555 --> 00:19:26,156
This elevator music from hell.
466
00:19:26,157 --> 00:19:27,424
Is this music?
467
00:19:27,425 --> 00:19:29,392
I mean, it feels like...
468
00:19:29,393 --> 00:19:31,428
If it is, please turn it up
so I can recognize it as music,
469
00:19:31,429 --> 00:19:32,529
otherwise turn it the fuck down,
470
00:19:32,530 --> 00:19:33,730
'cause I want to skull-fuck someone
471
00:19:33,731 --> 00:19:34,731
with this Guantanamo Bay shit!
472
00:19:34,732 --> 00:19:36,734
The music is really annoying.
473
00:19:38,302 --> 00:19:39,302
Please.
474
00:19:39,303 --> 00:19:40,537
That's so sweet.
475
00:19:40,538 --> 00:19:43,173
The enemy of my enemy.
476
00:19:43,174 --> 00:19:45,442
Okay, to both of you...
477
00:19:45,443 --> 00:19:47,744
how did it end with
these respective lovers?
478
00:19:47,745 --> 00:19:49,513
Evangeline and Izzy?
479
00:19:51,115 --> 00:19:52,115
Um...
480
00:19:52,116 --> 00:19:54,117
You want to go first?
481
00:19:55,219 --> 00:19:56,753
Finish your story?
482
00:19:56,754 --> 00:19:58,455
Now, hold on just a second.
483
00:19:58,456 --> 00:20:00,123
Where is that remote?
484
00:20:00,124 --> 00:20:01,825
This just got interesting.
485
00:20:15,706 --> 00:20:16,873
Ugh...
486
00:20:16,874 --> 00:20:18,341
Hey.
487
00:20:18,342 --> 00:20:19,376
Hey, you.
488
00:20:19,377 --> 00:20:20,510
You were just really throwing it back.
489
00:20:20,511 --> 00:20:21,812
It's just a reasonable,
490
00:20:21,813 --> 00:20:25,783
moderate dose of, you know,
liquid courage, I guess.
491
00:20:27,285 --> 00:20:28,486
You look gorgeous.
492
00:20:30,354 --> 00:20:31,555
You're such a nice guy.
493
00:20:32,790 --> 00:20:34,224
My balls just ran away from my body.
494
00:20:34,225 --> 00:20:36,660
No, no, no, no. I don't mean it like that!
495
00:20:36,661 --> 00:20:39,262
I mean, like, you're The Premium Package.
496
00:20:39,263 --> 00:20:41,464
You're, like, hot enough to
be a dick and get away with it,
497
00:20:41,465 --> 00:20:42,666
but you're not.
498
00:20:44,368 --> 00:20:45,368
Okay, well,
499
00:20:45,369 --> 00:20:48,371
would it be better if I was a dick?
500
00:20:48,372 --> 00:20:50,173
If I made this, like, way harder?
501
00:20:50,174 --> 00:20:52,109
Hey, what if I was a married dick?
502
00:20:52,910 --> 00:20:54,811
Girls like you, you dig
that kind of stuff, right?
503
00:20:54,812 --> 00:20:57,214
Girls like me?
504
00:20:57,215 --> 00:20:59,783
Oh, don't pretend to be
the wounded one, okay?
505
00:20:59,784 --> 00:21:01,351
I couldn't even get you to be here
506
00:21:01,352 --> 00:21:02,352
until I shut you down.
507
00:21:02,353 --> 00:21:05,455
Shit.
508
00:21:05,456 --> 00:21:06,456
I guess...
509
00:21:06,457 --> 00:21:07,490
You do know women.
510
00:21:07,491 --> 00:21:10,894
I was raised by a mother
and two big sisters.
511
00:21:10,895 --> 00:21:11,895
Might explain
512
00:21:11,896 --> 00:21:13,897
my debilitating emotional availability.
513
00:21:13,898 --> 00:21:15,532
Yeah, you are pretty fucked up.
514
00:21:15,533 --> 00:21:17,068
Ahem.
515
00:21:18,836 --> 00:21:20,670
Iz, I'm not gonna bullshit you, okay?
516
00:21:20,671 --> 00:21:23,941
This "date" of ours...
517
00:21:26,510 --> 00:21:28,211
This has to be the beginning of us,
518
00:21:28,212 --> 00:21:31,248
like, as a couple, okay?
519
00:21:31,249 --> 00:21:32,949
For full disclosure's sake,
520
00:21:32,950 --> 00:21:37,721
I very much want it to end
with relatively sober-ish sex.
521
00:21:38,789 --> 00:21:41,591
Like, romantic sex, you know?
522
00:21:41,592 --> 00:21:44,561
I want to wake up in the morning with you,
523
00:21:44,562 --> 00:21:45,695
have you still be there.
524
00:21:45,696 --> 00:21:46,696
I want to make you breakfast.
525
00:21:46,697 --> 00:21:48,231
I want...
526
00:21:48,232 --> 00:21:49,833
I want to know the real thing with you.
527
00:21:49,834 --> 00:21:52,335
If that's not what you had in mind,
528
00:21:52,336 --> 00:21:53,303
and, you know,
529
00:21:53,304 --> 00:21:54,337
you're just luring me back in
530
00:21:54,338 --> 00:21:56,539
to prove that you can or whatever,
531
00:21:56,540 --> 00:21:59,743
let's just end it right here and now.
532
00:21:59,744 --> 00:22:01,511
Wow. Okay.
533
00:22:01,512 --> 00:22:03,413
That's, uh...
534
00:22:03,414 --> 00:22:04,948
I mean, I've let this go on
for a really long time, right?
535
00:22:04,949 --> 00:22:08,519
Like, I'm sure we could
both agree on that.
536
00:22:10,621 --> 00:22:12,255
Moment of truth, Iz...
537
00:22:12,256 --> 00:22:15,459
Like, you're all in, or I'm out.
538
00:22:26,304 --> 00:22:29,240
Is that a good sigh or a bad sigh?
539
00:22:31,642 --> 00:22:33,511
I love you so fucking much.
540
00:22:36,847 --> 00:22:38,048
I love you.
541
00:22:39,417 --> 00:22:40,784
You know that, right?
542
00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:43,720
Like a rock.
543
00:22:43,721 --> 00:22:45,723
Like a rock?
544
00:22:46,891 --> 00:22:49,093
It's, like, a '70s song.
545
00:22:50,828 --> 00:22:51,828
Don't cry.
546
00:22:51,829 --> 00:22:53,764
Please don't cry. I'm not mad.
547
00:22:54,899 --> 00:22:57,034
I'm not crying.
548
00:22:58,569 --> 00:23:00,670
So how did it end?
549
00:23:00,671 --> 00:23:02,038
I just want to know
how it ended, you know?
550
00:23:02,039 --> 00:23:04,007
I think...
551
00:23:04,008 --> 00:23:06,443
this whole thing with this...
552
00:23:06,444 --> 00:23:08,678
this girl...
553
00:23:08,679 --> 00:23:10,447
that told you her name was Evangeline...
554
00:23:10,448 --> 00:23:12,382
I wasn't fooled.
555
00:23:12,383 --> 00:23:14,617
It was part of the game.
556
00:23:14,618 --> 00:23:15,919
I told her my name was Lyric.
557
00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:17,020
You did not?
558
00:23:17,021 --> 00:23:18,455
I did.
559
00:23:18,456 --> 00:23:19,689
She bought that?
560
00:23:19,690 --> 00:23:21,225
Yeah.
561
00:23:22,693 --> 00:23:25,095
And then you just never
tried to contact her?
562
00:23:26,430 --> 00:23:27,430
I don't know.
563
00:23:27,431 --> 00:23:29,632
Summer ended. I went home.
564
00:23:29,633 --> 00:23:33,003
I just went back to being me, Emma.
565
00:23:34,338 --> 00:23:35,505
And then there was Girl Number Two?
566
00:23:35,506 --> 00:23:37,708
Mm-hmm.
567
00:23:41,946 --> 00:23:42,946
And another.
568
00:23:42,947 --> 00:23:44,581
There's other girls?
569
00:23:44,582 --> 00:23:46,049
How many girls are we talking about?
570
00:23:46,050 --> 00:23:47,584
That was it.
571
00:23:47,585 --> 00:23:48,685
I swear.
572
00:23:48,686 --> 00:23:51,021
It wasn't like that. It wasn't...
573
00:23:51,022 --> 00:23:53,123
It wasn't a thing.
574
00:23:53,124 --> 00:23:54,357
It's totally a fucking thing.
575
00:23:54,358 --> 00:23:55,525
How can you say that?
576
00:23:55,526 --> 00:23:56,526
I mean, this is...
577
00:23:56,527 --> 00:23:57,994
It just never came up.
578
00:23:57,995 --> 00:24:00,030
What is... why didn't you tell me?
579
00:24:01,098 --> 00:24:02,832
Well, how did you end it?
580
00:24:02,833 --> 00:24:04,367
With who?
581
00:24:04,368 --> 00:24:05,602
With who? With Izzy.
582
00:24:05,603 --> 00:24:06,970
Izzy's an escort.
583
00:24:06,971 --> 00:24:10,341
You don't have to end things.
You just don't call them again.
584
00:24:12,743 --> 00:24:14,444
You've had no contact
with her since the hotel?
585
00:24:14,445 --> 00:24:15,812
Like, at all?
586
00:24:15,813 --> 00:24:17,047
Why are you saying it like that?
587
00:24:17,048 --> 00:24:18,481
'Cause I'm asking you,
588
00:24:18,482 --> 00:24:20,482
have you or have you
not had contact with her?
589
00:24:21,685 --> 00:24:22,920
I...
590
00:24:23,721 --> 00:24:24,721
I saw her once.
591
00:24:24,722 --> 00:24:25,855
I saw her outside.
592
00:24:25,856 --> 00:24:27,023
I just wanted to tell her
593
00:24:27,024 --> 00:24:28,024
that I couldn't see her ever again,
594
00:24:28,025 --> 00:24:29,025
and that it was over,
595
00:24:29,026 --> 00:24:30,026
and goodbye.
596
00:24:30,027 --> 00:24:31,094
I just wanted to say goodbye.
597
00:24:31,095 --> 00:24:32,796
I was going to tell you.
598
00:24:37,501 --> 00:24:39,670
I wanted to see her, too.
599
00:24:41,872 --> 00:24:43,807
This is fucked up.
600
00:24:44,675 --> 00:24:45,675
Yeah.
601
00:24:45,676 --> 00:24:47,211
What the fuck is happening?
602
00:24:48,012 --> 00:24:50,014
I don't know.
603
00:24:57,888 --> 00:25:00,858
Are you proposing...
604
00:25:11,001 --> 00:25:12,001
Mom!
605
00:25:12,002 --> 00:25:13,436
What are you doing?
606
00:25:13,437 --> 00:25:15,171
You scared the feces out of me!
607
00:25:15,172 --> 00:25:16,739
I'm 16.
608
00:25:16,740 --> 00:25:18,608
Please just say "shit"
like everybody else.
609
00:25:18,609 --> 00:25:19,776
Language.
610
00:25:19,777 --> 00:25:21,044
What?
611
00:25:21,045 --> 00:25:23,847
"Feces" is grosser.
612
00:25:25,082 --> 00:25:27,050
Why are we spying on the Trakarskys?
613
00:25:27,051 --> 00:25:29,853
Don't be ridiculous.
614
00:25:29,854 --> 00:25:32,155
We aren't spying, honey.
615
00:25:32,156 --> 00:25:33,623
We're just...
616
00:25:33,624 --> 00:25:34,825
wondering.
617
00:25:36,060 --> 00:25:37,394
Okay.
618
00:25:54,613 --> 00:25:56,615
- So, hi.
- Hi.
619
00:25:56,801 --> 00:25:58,282
Hi.
40651
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