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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:11,132 --> 00:00:13,100 Last night, I woke up 2 00:00:13,101 --> 00:00:15,368 with one of those 3:00 a.m. panic attacks, 3 00:00:15,369 --> 00:00:17,671 realized our "One Year Fertility Break" 4 00:00:17,672 --> 00:00:18,772 had turned into three 5 00:00:18,773 --> 00:00:22,810 and now I am way closer to 40 than 30. 6 00:00:24,145 --> 00:00:25,346 Yeah. 7 00:00:26,547 --> 00:00:28,548 We're like "That Couple with No Kids" 8 00:00:28,549 --> 00:00:29,649 in a family neighborhood. 9 00:00:29,650 --> 00:00:33,186 The neighbors kind of think we're pitiful and weird, 10 00:00:33,187 --> 00:00:34,321 which is ridiculous, 11 00:00:34,322 --> 00:00:36,456 because we're objectively so much better than them. 12 00:00:36,457 --> 00:00:37,557 But we're ready to try again. 13 00:00:37,558 --> 00:00:38,592 Totally. Yeah. 14 00:00:38,593 --> 00:00:40,560 We wanna do this. We're... We're all in. 15 00:00:40,561 --> 00:00:42,262 We are all in this time. 16 00:00:42,263 --> 00:00:44,097 [woman]: How often are you having sex? 17 00:00:44,098 --> 00:00:45,665 Excuse me? 18 00:00:45,666 --> 00:00:46,600 How often are we having sex? 19 00:00:46,601 --> 00:00:47,801 Uh... 20 00:00:47,802 --> 00:00:48,869 I mean, to be hon-- 21 00:00:48,870 --> 00:00:50,370 we've been off our game a little bit lately. 22 00:00:50,371 --> 00:00:53,106 I've been working crazy hours on this huge pitch, 23 00:00:53,107 --> 00:00:55,208 for a fancy new theater at The Hamilton School, 24 00:00:55,209 --> 00:00:56,143 where Jack works? 25 00:00:56,144 --> 00:00:57,711 - She works... - So the last month... 26 00:00:57,712 --> 00:00:59,312 isn't really an accurate representation 27 00:00:59,313 --> 00:01:02,149 of how often we... have... 28 00:01:02,150 --> 00:01:03,483 intercourse. Ahem. 29 00:01:03,484 --> 00:01:04,518 Right. And also, 30 00:01:04,519 --> 00:01:06,620 I've been having this, like, 31 00:01:06,621 --> 00:01:09,322 persistent kind of acidy thing in my stomach here... 32 00:01:09,323 --> 00:01:11,258 That's... it's kind of a problem. 33 00:01:11,259 --> 00:01:12,359 Maybe the fact that I'm talking about it 34 00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:13,493 so incessantly 35 00:01:13,494 --> 00:01:14,628 is another factor 36 00:01:14,629 --> 00:01:18,064 in why we're not reaching our potential, I guess. 37 00:01:18,065 --> 00:01:21,134 I'd say we do it, uh... 38 00:01:21,135 --> 00:01:23,837 1.5 times a week? 39 00:01:23,838 --> 00:01:26,306 I mean, not that we have fractional intercourse, 40 00:01:26,307 --> 00:01:27,707 She means... 41 00:01:27,708 --> 00:01:28,808 we have it, like, six times a month. 42 00:01:28,809 --> 00:01:30,577 - [woman]: Hmm. - She-- she wrote it down. 43 00:01:30,578 --> 00:01:32,679 - Is that more than-- - [woman]: Okay, got it. 44 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:33,880 That means we're doing well? 45 00:01:33,881 --> 00:01:35,115 That's pretty good, right? 46 00:01:35,116 --> 00:01:37,150 Yeah, that's pretty good I would say, right? 47 00:01:37,151 --> 00:01:38,151 I mean, what's your-- 48 00:01:38,152 --> 00:01:39,152 National average? 49 00:01:39,153 --> 00:01:40,553 Yeah, we're doing good, right? 50 00:01:41,822 --> 00:01:43,457 [duck quacking] 51 00:01:44,225 --> 00:01:50,063 [♪] 52 00:01:50,064 --> 00:01:51,831 [birds twittering] 53 00:01:51,832 --> 00:01:55,335 [♪] 54 00:01:55,336 --> 00:01:56,904 Sorry. 55 00:02:05,413 --> 00:02:06,346 [woman]: Trakarskys! 56 00:02:06,347 --> 00:02:08,081 How'd it go? 57 00:02:08,082 --> 00:02:10,584 The doctor asked us how often we had sex 58 00:02:10,585 --> 00:02:11,651 and we lied. 59 00:02:11,652 --> 00:02:13,386 With disturbing specificity. 60 00:02:13,387 --> 00:02:14,354 [man]: Oh, you gotta lie. 61 00:02:14,355 --> 00:02:16,423 Like I'm gonna tell the whole neighborhood 62 00:02:16,424 --> 00:02:18,258 we haven't had sex in two months? 63 00:02:18,259 --> 00:02:19,559 Well, you just did. 64 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:21,361 [neighbor]: Yoo-hoo! 65 00:02:21,362 --> 00:02:23,096 Oh, boy. 66 00:02:23,097 --> 00:02:24,264 Party time 67 00:02:24,265 --> 00:02:26,533 for the Real Housewives of Hawthorne Heights! 68 00:02:26,534 --> 00:02:27,734 Hey... Lori. 69 00:02:27,735 --> 00:02:28,735 Whoo! 70 00:02:28,736 --> 00:02:30,770 [Lori]: Okay, carry on. 71 00:02:30,771 --> 00:02:33,406 Why would she be coming to Jenna Weeden's divorce party? 72 00:02:33,407 --> 00:02:35,642 They used to work together or something. 73 00:02:35,643 --> 00:02:37,911 You're gonna change before we go out, right? 74 00:02:37,912 --> 00:02:40,914 Nobody under 40's gonna hit on that biz-cas bullshit. 75 00:02:40,915 --> 00:02:41,948 Hey what are you doing? 76 00:02:41,949 --> 00:02:43,383 Wanna crack a couple beers, watch a game, 77 00:02:43,384 --> 00:02:44,484 maybe get some pizza? 78 00:02:44,485 --> 00:02:48,655 Um... no, I gotta read over some college essays, so. 79 00:02:48,656 --> 00:02:50,323 Is it because he's crying? 80 00:02:50,324 --> 00:02:51,658 Do I actually have to answer that question? 81 00:02:51,659 --> 00:02:52,692 It's called teething, okay? 82 00:02:52,693 --> 00:02:54,294 He's trying to get teeth. 83 00:02:54,295 --> 00:02:55,795 Imagine that for the first time. 84 00:02:55,796 --> 00:02:57,631 Making teeth. 85 00:02:57,632 --> 00:02:58,632 It's a big deal. 86 00:02:58,633 --> 00:02:59,966 Yeah. Thank you, honey. 87 00:02:59,967 --> 00:03:05,305 [♪] 88 00:03:05,306 --> 00:03:06,406 [dog barking] 89 00:03:06,407 --> 00:03:10,845 [football game plays on television] 90 00:03:14,715 --> 00:03:15,916 What the hell? 91 00:03:17,318 --> 00:03:18,385 What? 92 00:03:18,386 --> 00:03:20,520 Are you jacking off to football? 93 00:03:20,521 --> 00:03:21,521 [turns TV off] 94 00:03:21,522 --> 00:03:22,756 No! 95 00:03:22,757 --> 00:03:25,392 That is so fucked up. 96 00:03:25,393 --> 00:03:26,459 I was just-- I was just cradling it. 97 00:03:26,460 --> 00:03:28,995 It's okay, 98 00:03:28,996 --> 00:03:30,864 because we... 99 00:03:30,865 --> 00:03:32,332 are about to do some intercourse. 100 00:03:32,333 --> 00:03:37,270 [♪] 101 00:03:37,271 --> 00:03:38,472 You ready for this? 102 00:03:40,808 --> 00:03:42,776 Meow! 103 00:03:42,777 --> 00:03:44,010 [♪] 104 00:03:44,011 --> 00:03:45,745 Do you know why... 105 00:03:45,746 --> 00:03:47,948 Jenna got divorced? 106 00:03:48,816 --> 00:03:49,949 I couldn't pick Jenna out of a lineup, 107 00:03:49,950 --> 00:03:51,685 so I have no idea who you're even talking about. 108 00:03:51,686 --> 00:03:54,020 Well, when the divorce party went "predictably dark--" 109 00:03:54,021 --> 00:03:55,021 [thud!] 110 00:03:55,022 --> 00:03:56,423 Oh, my God. 111 00:03:56,424 --> 00:03:57,424 You have to have some water or something. 112 00:03:57,425 --> 00:03:59,459 She said they fell deeply 113 00:03:59,460 --> 00:04:02,329 "out of lust and deeply into like." 114 00:04:02,330 --> 00:04:04,764 You air quote so much when you're drunk. 115 00:04:04,765 --> 00:04:06,366 Does that sound familiar to you? 116 00:04:06,367 --> 00:04:07,667 Oh, yeah? You like that? 117 00:04:07,668 --> 00:04:08,668 I don't know. 118 00:04:08,669 --> 00:04:09,769 That's good, 119 00:04:09,770 --> 00:04:12,806 'cause it is about to get real dirty up in here. 120 00:04:12,807 --> 00:04:13,873 Can you even hear what you're saying? 121 00:04:13,874 --> 00:04:15,875 Can you even hear yourself? 122 00:04:15,876 --> 00:04:16,910 Can you? 123 00:04:16,911 --> 00:04:18,011 Yeah. 124 00:04:18,012 --> 00:04:19,546 I can hear you. 125 00:04:19,547 --> 00:04:20,881 What does that even me? 126 00:04:21,982 --> 00:04:24,262 Oh, God. Did you smoke the entire pack of cigarettes? 127 00:04:26,053 --> 00:04:28,021 Did you eat an entire bag of Funions? 128 00:04:28,022 --> 00:04:29,823 Of course not. 129 00:04:29,824 --> 00:04:30,824 There's till some left, I think. 130 00:04:30,825 --> 00:04:31,858 Good... 131 00:04:31,859 --> 00:04:35,028 'cause this is raw. 132 00:04:35,029 --> 00:04:36,730 This is cigarettes and Funions and shit. 133 00:04:36,731 --> 00:04:39,933 Come here. Come here. Slap me. 134 00:04:39,934 --> 00:04:40,934 What? 135 00:04:40,935 --> 00:04:41,935 - Spank me. - Spank you? No. 136 00:04:41,936 --> 00:04:42,936 Pull my hair and spank me. 137 00:04:42,937 --> 00:04:44,404 This is seriously what you want? 138 00:04:44,405 --> 00:04:45,638 Spank me. Come on. 139 00:04:45,639 --> 00:04:46,740 What are you talking about? 140 00:04:46,741 --> 00:04:48,541 Spank me. Spank me. Spank me. Spank me. 141 00:04:48,542 --> 00:04:50,710 - [slap] Like that. - I'm not doing it. 142 00:04:50,711 --> 00:04:51,845 - Try! - I'm not doing it. 143 00:04:51,846 --> 00:04:54,615 Ow! What the fuck? 144 00:04:55,549 --> 00:04:57,617 It was like a sexual atrocity. 145 00:04:57,618 --> 00:05:01,521 Seriously, arms were flailing, and breath was stinking. 146 00:05:01,522 --> 00:05:03,056 We should've filmed it for an abstinence PSA. 147 00:05:03,057 --> 00:05:06,626 Ah, the venerable cycle of masturbation. 148 00:05:06,627 --> 00:05:08,328 I don't think that's a thing. 149 00:05:08,329 --> 00:05:09,896 Oh, no. The less you get it on, 150 00:05:09,897 --> 00:05:10,997 the more you jack off. 151 00:05:10,998 --> 00:05:12,632 The more you jack off, the less you get it on. 152 00:05:12,633 --> 00:05:14,067 Well, maybe that is a thing. 153 00:05:14,068 --> 00:05:16,836 Shit, bro, you okay? 154 00:05:16,837 --> 00:05:18,705 I don't know, man. It's like... 155 00:05:18,706 --> 00:05:20,340 Is it really that serious? 156 00:05:20,341 --> 00:05:22,041 I think it might be. I think it is that serious. 157 00:05:22,042 --> 00:05:23,643 I mean, we love each other. 158 00:05:23,644 --> 00:05:25,912 That's-- it's not a like, it's a love situation. 159 00:05:25,913 --> 00:05:27,013 That's not the problem at all. 160 00:05:27,014 --> 00:05:29,449 We're, like, trying to manufacture passion, 161 00:05:29,450 --> 00:05:32,519 and it's resulting in me getting a fucking black eye. 162 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:33,520 I would love to blame it 163 00:05:33,521 --> 00:05:35,655 on two years of, like, robotic baby sex, 164 00:05:35,656 --> 00:05:36,756 but even before that, 165 00:05:36,757 --> 00:05:38,397 it wasn't like it was "9 1/2 Weeks." 166 00:05:41,896 --> 00:05:42,896 Can you say something, please? 167 00:05:42,897 --> 00:05:43,897 I may or may not 168 00:05:43,898 --> 00:05:46,633 have done something in another dimension 169 00:05:46,634 --> 00:05:48,535 that no one in this universe could ever know about. 170 00:05:48,536 --> 00:05:50,603 It's like a tree 171 00:05:50,604 --> 00:05:51,671 falling in the forest, 172 00:05:51,672 --> 00:05:53,740 except it's my dick going into another woman. 173 00:05:53,741 --> 00:05:54,774 You had an affair? 174 00:05:54,775 --> 00:05:56,509 Hey, shh! No, no. It's too messy. 175 00:05:56,510 --> 00:05:58,378 God. 176 00:05:58,379 --> 00:05:59,779 Why don't you yell it, huh? 177 00:05:59,780 --> 00:06:01,114 I was startled. 178 00:06:01,115 --> 00:06:02,916 Because the legally deaf woman on the other side of that bridge 179 00:06:02,917 --> 00:06:04,118 can hear it. 180 00:06:05,653 --> 00:06:07,654 So... you were with a hooker? 181 00:06:07,655 --> 00:06:09,656 No. I'm talking about an escort. 182 00:06:09,657 --> 00:06:11,124 What's the difference? 183 00:06:11,125 --> 00:06:12,125 - No penetration. - What? 184 00:06:12,126 --> 00:06:13,626 No penet-- is that even a thing? 185 00:06:13,627 --> 00:06:14,828 Okay, okay. 186 00:06:14,829 --> 00:06:17,964 Sometimes, there's penetration, okay? 187 00:06:17,965 --> 00:06:20,633 But there's not supposed to be, right? 188 00:06:20,634 --> 00:06:21,568 That's why they can advertise. 189 00:06:21,569 --> 00:06:23,803 12, I don't know, something like that, 190 00:06:23,804 --> 00:06:24,838 sites here in Portland alone. 191 00:06:24,839 --> 00:06:26,673 When's the last time you guys made out? 192 00:06:26,674 --> 00:06:28,608 If I stuck my tongue in Emma's mouth, 193 00:06:28,609 --> 00:06:30,043 she'd probably just crack up laughing. 194 00:06:30,044 --> 00:06:31,211 You do it with someone you don't know, 195 00:06:31,212 --> 00:06:34,013 someone who doesn't laugh when you get your sexy on. 196 00:06:34,014 --> 00:06:35,648 This actually worked for you? 197 00:06:35,649 --> 00:06:37,383 You took this back into your bedroom? 198 00:06:37,384 --> 00:06:39,152 Fuckinay right I did. 199 00:06:39,153 --> 00:06:43,691 This is a lot for me to process over fuckin' hot cocoa. 200 00:06:44,658 --> 00:06:46,459 [Female TV host]: On today's Home Seekers, 201 00:06:46,460 --> 00:06:48,761 zookeeper Amanda and her accountant husband... 202 00:06:48,762 --> 00:06:51,164 Oh, God... 203 00:06:51,165 --> 00:06:52,899 Oh, God. 204 00:06:52,900 --> 00:06:56,569 Homer, lock it down, buddy. 205 00:06:56,570 --> 00:06:58,172 Unbelievable. 206 00:07:00,875 --> 00:07:05,111 I have officially hit the age where a hangover lasts 24 hours. 207 00:07:05,112 --> 00:07:07,647 [female TV host]: We've got our work cut out for us. 208 00:07:07,648 --> 00:07:09,015 [male TV host]: One thing I know about women, 209 00:07:09,016 --> 00:07:11,718 they never stop talking about bathtubs or closets. 210 00:07:11,719 --> 00:07:13,086 If I hear that line one more time, 211 00:07:13,087 --> 00:07:15,088 "Where do your clothes go?" 212 00:07:15,089 --> 00:07:16,122 I'm going to-- 213 00:07:16,123 --> 00:07:17,824 [female host]: I'm going to piece together 214 00:07:17,825 --> 00:07:19,759 why you never got married. 215 00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:21,895 [male host]: Claw-footed tub, authentic Victorian staircase... 216 00:07:21,896 --> 00:07:23,096 What are you doing? 217 00:07:23,097 --> 00:07:24,631 [sighs] 218 00:07:24,632 --> 00:07:27,567 I just thought maybe we could, you know... 219 00:07:27,568 --> 00:07:29,202 Are you seriously proposing sex right now, 220 00:07:29,203 --> 00:07:31,905 when I'm one pug fart away from regurgitating vital organs? 221 00:07:32,740 --> 00:07:34,641 Suddenly over it. 222 00:07:39,647 --> 00:07:41,682 If I die, know that I loved you. 223 00:07:44,919 --> 00:07:46,954 Love you more. 224 00:07:47,888 --> 00:07:50,290 [chimes] 225 00:07:52,092 --> 00:07:53,192 What kind of monster 226 00:07:53,193 --> 00:07:56,696 lets a guy pay her 400 bucks to treat him like shit? 227 00:07:56,697 --> 00:07:58,865 You don't look like you're begging. 228 00:07:58,866 --> 00:08:00,033 You don't realize 229 00:08:00,034 --> 00:08:02,135 what kind of a bargain you gave that dude. 230 00:08:02,136 --> 00:08:05,705 He can have any woman, any thing he wants... 231 00:08:05,706 --> 00:08:07,206 except not getting what he wants. 232 00:08:07,207 --> 00:08:08,207 Crawl. 233 00:08:08,208 --> 00:08:10,677 [♪] 234 00:08:10,678 --> 00:08:11,811 Until you. 235 00:08:11,812 --> 00:08:13,046 Izzy Silva. 236 00:08:13,047 --> 00:08:14,147 His angel of denial. 237 00:08:14,148 --> 00:08:16,583 Okay, Nina, that actually didn't suck, 238 00:08:16,584 --> 00:08:18,685 but do you have any idea how guilty I felt? 239 00:08:18,686 --> 00:08:19,852 This morning, 240 00:08:19,853 --> 00:08:21,688 there was a homeless guy outside of our apartment, 241 00:08:21,689 --> 00:08:23,122 who asked me for a cigarette. 242 00:08:23,123 --> 00:08:24,924 So I gave him 80 bucks, 243 00:08:24,925 --> 00:08:27,026 hugged him, and said, "God bless you." 244 00:08:27,027 --> 00:08:29,696 I've never said that to anyone in my life before. 245 00:08:29,697 --> 00:08:31,064 "God bless you?" Who says that? 246 00:08:31,065 --> 00:08:32,165 I am so disappointed in you, Iz. 247 00:08:32,166 --> 00:08:33,733 Translation: 248 00:08:33,734 --> 00:08:36,002 you don't want to float my half of the rent again. 249 00:08:36,003 --> 00:08:37,870 Si, senora. 250 00:08:37,871 --> 00:08:38,972 [sighs] Fine. 251 00:08:38,973 --> 00:08:40,807 One more week. 252 00:08:40,808 --> 00:08:42,241 There's my little hooker. 253 00:08:42,242 --> 00:08:44,143 We're escorts. It's different. 254 00:08:44,144 --> 00:08:45,979 Oh, right, absolutely. 255 00:08:45,980 --> 00:08:47,981 It is different. 256 00:08:47,982 --> 00:08:50,883 - That's what you told me. - It is. Don't worry about it. 257 00:08:50,884 --> 00:08:53,653 I texted you, like. 20 times last night... 258 00:08:53,654 --> 00:08:55,322 Oh. 259 00:08:56,123 --> 00:08:57,757 Oh, my God, I think I just sprouted ovaries. 260 00:08:57,758 --> 00:08:58,758 You did? 261 00:08:58,759 --> 00:09:00,126 Yeah. 262 00:09:00,127 --> 00:09:02,128 I think I'm officially the chick in this relationship. 263 00:09:02,129 --> 00:09:04,063 That is so fucking sexist, Andy. 264 00:09:04,064 --> 00:09:07,234 Both genders pursue that which retreats from them. 265 00:09:08,902 --> 00:09:10,670 Oh, so you're baiting me, huh? 266 00:09:10,671 --> 00:09:11,671 Oh, get over yourself. 267 00:09:11,672 --> 00:09:14,808 You free tomorrow night, Andrea? 268 00:09:17,177 --> 00:09:20,514 Don't fuck with me, I'm menstruating, okay? 269 00:09:22,883 --> 00:09:24,350 Yes, I'm free. 270 00:09:24,351 --> 00:09:25,351 [professor]: Because of the complicated nature 271 00:09:25,352 --> 00:09:27,587 of rationalist thinking... 272 00:09:27,588 --> 00:09:28,688 [text alert sounds] 273 00:09:28,689 --> 00:09:31,290 [professor continues faintly] 274 00:09:31,291 --> 00:09:33,092 Who is it? 275 00:09:33,093 --> 00:09:34,894 Another hubby lost his mojo. 276 00:09:34,895 --> 00:09:36,596 Easy-peasy. Bread and butter. 277 00:09:36,597 --> 00:09:41,668 [♪] 278 00:09:41,669 --> 00:09:43,202 [cell phone rings] 279 00:09:43,203 --> 00:09:44,270 It's probably not fair, 280 00:09:44,271 --> 00:09:46,673 but I kinda wanna pop you in the other eye. 281 00:09:46,674 --> 00:09:48,341 You do? Why? 282 00:09:48,342 --> 00:09:50,143 I don't know. I'm missing our old apartment, 283 00:09:50,144 --> 00:09:51,144 living downtown, 284 00:09:51,145 --> 00:09:52,211 being in the middle of everything. 285 00:09:52,212 --> 00:09:53,579 Why? Is there something else 286 00:09:53,580 --> 00:09:55,648 I should be violently enraged about? 287 00:09:55,649 --> 00:09:57,583 No. No. I can't think of anything. 288 00:09:57,584 --> 00:09:58,851 Are you drunk already? 289 00:09:58,852 --> 00:10:00,353 Maybe a little bit. 290 00:10:00,354 --> 00:10:02,021 Get drunker. You sound weird. 291 00:10:02,022 --> 00:10:03,222 I'll be home around 9:00. 292 00:10:03,223 --> 00:10:05,358 Okay. Have fun. I love you, weirdo. 293 00:10:05,359 --> 00:10:08,195 I love you more. 294 00:10:09,396 --> 00:10:11,631 Fuck. What the fuck am I doing? 295 00:10:11,632 --> 00:10:13,500 Oh, my God. 296 00:10:16,737 --> 00:10:18,872 Okay, this can be undone. Undo it. 297 00:10:21,075 --> 00:10:23,043 This is, um... 298 00:10:23,844 --> 00:10:25,878 Something came up at work. 299 00:10:25,879 --> 00:10:26,879 I have to cancel. 300 00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:28,915 Something... 301 00:10:28,916 --> 00:10:31,818 Something came up at work. 302 00:10:31,819 --> 00:10:33,853 Very sorry. 303 00:10:33,854 --> 00:10:35,989 I have to cancel. 304 00:10:37,825 --> 00:10:40,193 ...And send. 305 00:10:41,829 --> 00:10:42,829 [knocking] 306 00:10:42,830 --> 00:10:43,763 [woman]: Fred, are you in there? 307 00:10:43,764 --> 00:10:45,698 Um, no. 308 00:10:45,699 --> 00:10:46,833 [text alert sounds] 309 00:10:46,834 --> 00:10:48,035 Funny. 310 00:10:51,972 --> 00:10:53,940 - Hi, you. - Hi. 311 00:10:53,941 --> 00:10:56,242 Um, so I haven't exactly 312 00:10:56,243 --> 00:10:58,277 settled on a formal cancellation policy, 313 00:10:58,278 --> 00:11:00,346 but this is definitely not it. 314 00:11:00,347 --> 00:11:02,048 You need to get paid. 315 00:11:02,049 --> 00:11:03,116 I really do. 316 00:11:03,117 --> 00:11:04,951 - Could you just wait a second? - Yep. 317 00:11:04,952 --> 00:11:06,819 [sighs] 318 00:11:06,820 --> 00:11:09,188 I'm sorry. Something came up at work. 319 00:11:09,189 --> 00:11:11,458 I had a... 320 00:11:12,426 --> 00:11:15,294 Um... um... 321 00:11:15,295 --> 00:11:16,496 It's a long story. 322 00:11:19,399 --> 00:11:20,466 Here it is. 323 00:11:20,467 --> 00:11:23,303 You are so not a Fred. 324 00:11:24,271 --> 00:11:25,338 What do you mean? What's-- what's wrong with Fred? 325 00:11:25,339 --> 00:11:26,339 I have an Uncle Fred. 326 00:11:26,340 --> 00:11:27,373 Okay. 327 00:11:27,374 --> 00:11:30,009 Oh, my God. My scalp is sweating. 328 00:11:30,010 --> 00:11:31,690 Can you see that from here? The way-- 329 00:11:32,312 --> 00:11:33,312 What do I owe you? 330 00:11:33,313 --> 00:11:34,953 So what was your excuse to the wife? 331 00:11:35,983 --> 00:11:37,183 My wife? 332 00:11:37,184 --> 00:11:38,785 Your wife. Yes. 333 00:11:38,786 --> 00:11:41,355 Um... Happy hour? 334 00:11:43,023 --> 00:11:44,791 Well, you have a mini-bar. 335 00:11:44,792 --> 00:11:45,725 I do? 336 00:11:45,726 --> 00:11:47,361 Yep. 337 00:11:57,104 --> 00:11:58,171 So when did you know 338 00:11:58,172 --> 00:12:01,174 you wanted to be a high school counselor? 339 00:12:01,175 --> 00:12:04,243 I'm not a high school counselor, first of all. 340 00:12:04,244 --> 00:12:07,313 I am Assistant Dean, Head of Student Services. 341 00:12:07,314 --> 00:12:08,848 Oh... 342 00:12:08,849 --> 00:12:10,016 Yup. 343 00:12:10,017 --> 00:12:11,017 Sorry. That's very different. 344 00:12:11,018 --> 00:12:12,418 It's a big difference, yeah. 345 00:12:12,419 --> 00:12:13,820 Is it? 346 00:12:13,821 --> 00:12:15,688 Kind of like the difference between prostitute and escort. 347 00:12:15,689 --> 00:12:16,823 Mm. 348 00:12:16,824 --> 00:12:18,057 Okay, well, 349 00:12:18,058 --> 00:12:20,259 as clearly stated on my profile, I don't screw my clients, 350 00:12:20,260 --> 00:12:22,295 so, yeah, it is very different. 351 00:12:22,296 --> 00:12:23,796 You can answer the question now. 352 00:12:23,797 --> 00:12:27,400 I was kind of a hot mess in high school, 353 00:12:27,401 --> 00:12:28,501 and... 354 00:12:28,502 --> 00:12:29,936 Don't look at me like that. 355 00:12:29,937 --> 00:12:31,304 This isn't-- this is a true story. 356 00:12:31,305 --> 00:12:34,307 I wasn't too popular with the faculty, really, 357 00:12:34,308 --> 00:12:35,541 except for this one counselor, 358 00:12:35,542 --> 00:12:37,410 and she was really great, and she kind of saved me-- 359 00:12:37,411 --> 00:12:39,011 Fred, this sounds like a story 360 00:12:39,012 --> 00:12:40,880 that you've told at a few dozen barbecues. 361 00:12:40,881 --> 00:12:42,148 Why don't you give me the real shit? 362 00:12:42,149 --> 00:12:43,349 Ouch. 363 00:12:43,350 --> 00:12:45,451 My father was a cheating asshole 364 00:12:45,452 --> 00:12:46,819 in a V-neck sweater, 365 00:12:46,820 --> 00:12:48,788 so my bullshit detector is, like, wicked sensitive. 366 00:12:48,789 --> 00:12:50,890 So you're an escort with daddy issues? 367 00:12:50,891 --> 00:12:51,824 That's so rare. 368 00:12:51,825 --> 00:12:53,025 Blow me, Fred. 369 00:12:54,394 --> 00:12:55,662 Well... 370 00:12:58,031 --> 00:12:59,098 I know what you were saying before, 371 00:12:59,099 --> 00:13:01,000 by the way, about, like, your family, 372 00:13:01,001 --> 00:13:02,368 because my family, also, was, like... 373 00:13:02,369 --> 00:13:04,503 a quiet little corner of hell. 374 00:13:04,504 --> 00:13:07,840 Mine was shiny perfection right up until it wasn't. 375 00:13:07,841 --> 00:13:09,208 Yeah, Mom's been on 376 00:13:09,209 --> 00:13:10,576 the Geese 'n' Oxy diet ever since. 377 00:13:10,577 --> 00:13:11,944 Is that something I should know? 378 00:13:11,945 --> 00:13:16,115 Vodka and pain pills. Yeah. I'll never be like her. 379 00:13:16,116 --> 00:13:18,384 So instead, you just do this? 380 00:13:18,385 --> 00:13:19,352 Hmm? 381 00:13:19,353 --> 00:13:21,113 Just kind of like an emotional tourist. 382 00:13:22,890 --> 00:13:25,759 Damn, Fred. That's... That's pretty good, actually. 383 00:13:30,397 --> 00:13:31,397 I'm Jack, by the way. 384 00:13:31,398 --> 00:13:32,832 I can't do this any longer. 385 00:13:32,833 --> 00:13:34,200 It's Jack Trakarsky. 386 00:13:34,201 --> 00:13:35,835 Jack Trakarsky. 387 00:13:35,836 --> 00:13:37,103 I'm Izzy Silva. 388 00:13:37,104 --> 00:13:38,371 Izzy Silva. 389 00:13:38,372 --> 00:13:40,332 I've never told a client my full name before. 390 00:13:46,847 --> 00:13:47,947 [both talking at once] 391 00:13:47,948 --> 00:13:48,948 It's a long handshake. 392 00:13:48,949 --> 00:13:50,150 Yeah. 393 00:13:52,085 --> 00:13:53,386 It might be the light beer, 394 00:13:53,387 --> 00:13:57,023 the craft beer, the vodka, and the wine talking, 395 00:13:57,024 --> 00:13:59,158 but... 396 00:13:59,159 --> 00:14:00,960 I don't think that I stayed 397 00:14:00,961 --> 00:14:02,529 just because you have a mini-bar. 398 00:14:04,064 --> 00:14:05,231 No? 399 00:14:05,232 --> 00:14:07,199 You're not too old or too annoying. 400 00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:08,234 So... 401 00:14:08,235 --> 00:14:09,235 Thank you. 402 00:14:09,236 --> 00:14:10,169 I figured there are worse ways 403 00:14:10,170 --> 00:14:12,104 to avoid doing a sociology essay. 404 00:14:12,105 --> 00:14:15,375 And you are also unhideous. 405 00:14:16,276 --> 00:14:19,578 You think I'm unhideous? 406 00:14:19,579 --> 00:14:21,181 That's cool. 407 00:14:22,983 --> 00:14:24,584 Do you wanna make out? 408 00:14:26,453 --> 00:14:27,954 Shit. Sorry. 409 00:14:27,955 --> 00:14:31,157 Nope. 410 00:14:31,158 --> 00:14:32,425 I sound crazy. 411 00:14:32,426 --> 00:14:34,060 I promise I won't boil your rabbit. 412 00:14:34,061 --> 00:14:36,329 I don't have a rabbit, so you can't. 413 00:14:36,330 --> 00:14:37,296 I have a pug. 414 00:14:37,297 --> 00:14:38,531 Who boils a pug? 415 00:14:38,532 --> 00:14:39,999 I'm not a monster. 416 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,235 Do you have a cat, though? 417 00:14:43,337 --> 00:14:45,238 No, I don't have a cat. 418 00:14:55,582 --> 00:14:57,249 Um... 419 00:14:57,250 --> 00:14:58,250 oh, shit. 420 00:14:58,251 --> 00:14:59,185 We're-- we're over. 421 00:14:59,186 --> 00:15:00,519 I'm sorry. I should-- 422 00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:01,721 Thank you. 423 00:15:02,956 --> 00:15:06,660 So I guess you better make a move on me now, right? 424 00:15:08,395 --> 00:15:11,931 That's the hole in your game, isn't that what you said? 425 00:15:11,932 --> 00:15:13,833 Show me what you got. 426 00:15:15,135 --> 00:15:16,903 Um... 427 00:15:17,704 --> 00:15:19,706 Okay. 428 00:15:21,508 --> 00:15:22,575 I mean, come on, 429 00:15:22,576 --> 00:15:24,010 we're never gonna see each other again, right? 430 00:15:24,011 --> 00:15:25,945 Okay. Okay. 431 00:15:25,946 --> 00:15:27,246 Um... I'm bringin' it. 432 00:15:27,247 --> 00:15:29,015 No. Don't say that. 433 00:15:29,016 --> 00:15:31,251 It's been a while for me. 434 00:15:33,420 --> 00:15:34,921 Um... 435 00:15:37,024 --> 00:15:37,923 Hi. 436 00:15:37,924 --> 00:15:39,625 Hi. 437 00:15:39,626 --> 00:15:41,795 You're like a unicorn. 438 00:15:43,497 --> 00:15:46,065 Okay... 439 00:15:46,066 --> 00:15:48,434 that's not what I was going for, but... 440 00:15:48,435 --> 00:15:50,503 we can keep going. 441 00:15:50,504 --> 00:15:52,972 No, I mean you're the rare girl that looks better up close. 442 00:15:52,973 --> 00:15:54,006 Like, the closer I get to you, it's-- 443 00:15:54,007 --> 00:15:56,075 No, that-- that was nice. 444 00:15:56,076 --> 00:15:57,276 - Was it? - Yeah. 445 00:15:58,245 --> 00:16:00,312 You're nice, I think. 446 00:16:00,313 --> 00:16:02,282 Sorry. 447 00:16:12,192 --> 00:16:17,230 [♪] 448 00:16:24,304 --> 00:16:28,808 [♪] 449 00:16:36,383 --> 00:16:37,383 [fabric tears] 450 00:16:37,384 --> 00:16:38,451 - Fuckinay. - No, it's fine, it's fine. 451 00:16:38,452 --> 00:16:40,719 It's my roommate's. Keep your focus. 452 00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:42,488 [♪] 453 00:16:42,489 --> 00:16:43,656 I'll pay for that-- 454 00:16:43,657 --> 00:16:45,391 No, it's-- Shush. 455 00:16:45,392 --> 00:16:49,528 [♪] 456 00:16:49,529 --> 00:16:51,197 I'm sorry. This is not-- 457 00:16:51,198 --> 00:16:52,665 That was way too far. 458 00:16:52,666 --> 00:16:54,500 Jesus, I can't do this. What's wrong with me? 459 00:16:54,501 --> 00:16:55,501 No, you know, I-- 460 00:16:55,502 --> 00:16:57,303 It's all good. This is my bad. 461 00:16:57,304 --> 00:16:59,338 The booze and the unicorn line definitely factored in, but-- 462 00:16:59,339 --> 00:17:01,207 you know what, 463 00:17:01,208 --> 00:17:02,641 let's take it back. 464 00:17:02,642 --> 00:17:03,742 Let's pretend this didn't happen. 465 00:17:03,743 --> 00:17:05,478 - Okay. - Okay, yeah. 466 00:17:05,479 --> 00:17:06,645 [cell phone rings] 467 00:17:06,646 --> 00:17:07,847 This is my wife. 468 00:17:10,183 --> 00:17:11,183 I'm gonna go. 469 00:17:11,184 --> 00:17:12,685 Yeah. 470 00:17:12,686 --> 00:17:13,887 Hey, babe. 471 00:17:15,188 --> 00:17:17,690 No. I... 472 00:17:17,691 --> 00:17:20,460 I'm going to be home... 473 00:17:28,635 --> 00:17:30,804 Okay, so... 474 00:17:31,705 --> 00:17:34,140 All right. I love you more. Bye. 475 00:17:34,141 --> 00:17:35,341 Fuck. 476 00:17:43,216 --> 00:17:46,185 [Emma]: Are you fucking kidding me? 477 00:17:46,186 --> 00:17:47,119 I came clean! 478 00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:48,654 Don't I get points for coming clean? 479 00:17:48,655 --> 00:17:49,788 "Points?" 480 00:17:49,789 --> 00:17:51,090 I don't know. 481 00:17:51,091 --> 00:17:52,558 You want fucking "points"? 482 00:17:52,559 --> 00:17:53,726 You get points for admitting 483 00:17:53,727 --> 00:17:55,661 to scarfing down the second half of my panini, 484 00:17:55,662 --> 00:17:57,630 not for confessing to spending happy hour 485 00:17:57,631 --> 00:17:59,131 in a hotel room with a hooker! 486 00:17:59,132 --> 00:18:00,132 She's an escort. 487 00:18:00,133 --> 00:18:01,467 Oh, great. 488 00:18:01,468 --> 00:18:03,736 She's an escort, okay? 489 00:18:03,737 --> 00:18:05,504 She's, like, getting her Master's in psychology, so. 490 00:18:05,505 --> 00:18:07,173 Mm-hmm. 491 00:18:07,174 --> 00:18:08,874 Sex was never part of the agenda, I swear. 492 00:18:08,875 --> 00:18:10,743 I made sure it wasn't. 493 00:18:10,744 --> 00:18:11,744 It said it right in the profile. 494 00:18:11,745 --> 00:18:13,680 You're a fucking idiot. 495 00:18:15,315 --> 00:18:16,248 Are you... 496 00:18:16,249 --> 00:18:19,518 figuring out ways to kill me? 497 00:18:19,519 --> 00:18:21,754 Tell me more. 498 00:18:21,755 --> 00:18:23,856 Tell me more about this fascinating young lady. 499 00:18:23,857 --> 00:18:24,890 It's not about her. 500 00:18:24,891 --> 00:18:26,993 Oh, so you did find her fascinating. 501 00:18:28,828 --> 00:18:30,463 I don't know. I mean-- 502 00:18:31,665 --> 00:18:33,499 That was well said, Jack. 503 00:18:33,500 --> 00:18:35,935 Let me rephrase the question... 504 00:18:39,239 --> 00:18:40,540 Did you like her? 505 00:18:44,377 --> 00:18:45,311 Oh, my God. 506 00:18:45,312 --> 00:18:46,779 This has nothing to do with her. 507 00:18:46,780 --> 00:18:49,616 This is about us, okay? 508 00:18:55,655 --> 00:18:56,855 Did anything happen? 509 00:18:56,856 --> 00:18:59,558 We didn't have sex. We absolutely did not have sex. 510 00:18:59,559 --> 00:19:01,360 That's not what I asked, Jack. 511 00:19:01,361 --> 00:19:02,695 Did anything happen? 512 00:19:02,696 --> 00:19:06,599 I want you to tell me precisely what you did with that girl. 513 00:19:07,934 --> 00:19:12,171 We made out, for, like, a brief time... 514 00:19:12,172 --> 00:19:13,572 and then I snapped out of it, 515 00:19:13,573 --> 00:19:15,675 and I-- and that was it, it was over. 516 00:19:26,953 --> 00:19:29,088 Show me. 517 00:19:29,956 --> 00:19:30,956 Show you what? 518 00:19:30,957 --> 00:19:32,191 I want to see her. 519 00:19:32,192 --> 00:19:34,260 Honey, that's not a good idea. 520 00:19:34,261 --> 00:19:35,995 Show me. 521 00:19:40,300 --> 00:19:41,300 Are you serious? 522 00:19:41,301 --> 00:19:42,502 Do it. 523 00:19:48,808 --> 00:19:50,776 I think maybe we should talk about this. 524 00:19:50,777 --> 00:19:52,846 Do it. 525 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:54,947 [Emma]: I made him show me what she looked like. 526 00:19:54,948 --> 00:19:55,948 [Carmen]: And did he? 527 00:19:55,949 --> 00:19:57,316 Yeah. 528 00:19:57,317 --> 00:19:58,484 Eventually. 529 00:19:58,485 --> 00:19:59,652 Was she a total skeeze? 530 00:19:59,653 --> 00:20:02,488 Actually... 531 00:20:02,489 --> 00:20:04,357 she looks... 532 00:20:05,458 --> 00:20:06,959 exactly like what she is-- 533 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:08,460 a grad student from Colorado. 534 00:20:08,461 --> 00:20:09,795 Look at her skin. 535 00:20:09,796 --> 00:20:10,796 Make it bigger. 536 00:20:10,797 --> 00:20:12,431 It's perfect. 537 00:20:12,432 --> 00:20:13,732 Do you ever see that movie "Mask" 538 00:20:13,733 --> 00:20:15,367 with Eric Stoltz in the '80s? 539 00:20:15,368 --> 00:20:17,408 It's like a Doppelganger. Turn it away. Please. 540 00:20:18,338 --> 00:20:19,538 You're a good friend. 541 00:20:19,539 --> 00:20:20,539 I try. 542 00:20:20,540 --> 00:20:22,007 I hate her! 543 00:20:22,008 --> 00:20:23,842 - You wish he hadn't told you? - I don't know. 544 00:20:23,843 --> 00:20:26,645 Probably. 545 00:20:26,646 --> 00:20:28,926 I mean, it's worse than if he just fucked her, right? 546 00:20:30,250 --> 00:20:31,684 He met up with her, he liked her, 547 00:20:31,685 --> 00:20:34,019 he confided in her... 548 00:20:34,020 --> 00:20:36,755 he made out with her-- they made out. 549 00:20:36,756 --> 00:20:38,691 We don't make out anymore. 550 00:20:38,692 --> 00:20:40,326 It's so... 551 00:20:40,327 --> 00:20:41,593 intimate. 552 00:20:41,594 --> 00:20:44,496 He practically sprinted home to confess at your bedside. 553 00:20:44,497 --> 00:20:46,966 I mean, who does that, right? 554 00:20:48,968 --> 00:20:50,336 Oh, fuck. 555 00:20:50,337 --> 00:20:53,005 He took relationship advice from his loser brother? 556 00:20:53,006 --> 00:20:54,874 Was John Mayer out of the country? 557 00:20:58,378 --> 00:21:00,480 So what are you gonna do? 558 00:21:09,022 --> 00:21:12,125 So which one of you lovely ladies is Lola? 559 00:21:14,561 --> 00:21:15,762 Well... 560 00:21:25,772 --> 00:21:28,340 Okay, Lola... 561 00:21:28,341 --> 00:21:29,742 tell me something about yourself. 562 00:21:29,743 --> 00:21:30,843 What're you into? 563 00:21:30,844 --> 00:21:32,745 What's... what's... What's your jam? 564 00:21:32,746 --> 00:21:33,746 What's my jam? 565 00:21:33,747 --> 00:21:34,947 I don't know. 566 00:21:38,351 --> 00:21:40,052 Okay... 567 00:21:40,053 --> 00:21:43,422 Can I be honest with you? 568 00:21:43,423 --> 00:21:44,423 I'm a little drunk. 569 00:21:44,424 --> 00:21:46,325 No shit. Really? 570 00:21:46,326 --> 00:21:48,627 Okay, but here's the thing-- 571 00:21:48,628 --> 00:21:50,763 I usually-- I usually get drunk, 572 00:21:50,764 --> 00:21:52,498 because I get so nervous before these things, 573 00:21:52,499 --> 00:21:53,799 but you are my first lady date, 574 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,568 so I got, like, double-- 575 00:21:56,569 --> 00:21:57,769 double super nervous. 576 00:21:58,972 --> 00:22:00,173 Well, you're doing well. 577 00:22:02,008 --> 00:22:04,376 Wow, you are really pretty. 578 00:22:04,377 --> 00:22:06,011 Okay... 579 00:22:06,012 --> 00:22:07,614 For my age? 580 00:22:08,648 --> 00:22:11,517 And very angry. 581 00:22:11,518 --> 00:22:14,120 Are you shrinking me now, Izzy? 582 00:22:15,355 --> 00:22:17,323 Wait. What? How did you-- 583 00:22:18,358 --> 00:22:19,959 Never mind. 584 00:22:29,569 --> 00:22:30,636 Do you ever read a book 585 00:22:30,637 --> 00:22:32,597 and you know exactly what's on the next page? 586 00:22:34,307 --> 00:22:37,743 There are zero surprises... 587 00:22:37,744 --> 00:22:38,811 you know, 588 00:22:38,812 --> 00:22:43,115 and you think, "I must've read this before." 589 00:22:43,116 --> 00:22:47,086 But... no way, because it just came out. 590 00:22:51,724 --> 00:22:53,292 I'm gonna go. 591 00:22:54,994 --> 00:22:56,061 I helped make this mess, 592 00:22:56,062 --> 00:22:58,697 - and I'm gonna go home and-- - [object drops] 593 00:22:58,698 --> 00:22:59,765 What was that? 594 00:22:59,766 --> 00:23:01,000 Oh, you dropped your-- 595 00:23:02,335 --> 00:23:04,103 Oh. 596 00:23:04,938 --> 00:23:06,639 Surprise. 597 00:23:07,841 --> 00:23:09,141 Can you be cool? 598 00:23:09,142 --> 00:23:11,310 Yeah. 599 00:23:14,180 --> 00:23:15,547 A little cooler than that, 600 00:23:15,548 --> 00:23:16,882 because you look like somebody 601 00:23:16,883 --> 00:23:18,684 who's getting a foot job under the table. 602 00:23:18,685 --> 00:23:20,987 I am getting a foot job under the table. 603 00:23:27,894 --> 00:23:29,027 Hi. 604 00:23:29,028 --> 00:23:30,229 Am I doing it right? 605 00:23:32,031 --> 00:23:33,065 Do you want me to stop? 606 00:23:33,066 --> 00:23:36,034 Shit, am I freaking you out? 607 00:23:36,035 --> 00:23:37,202 This was Nina's idea 608 00:23:37,203 --> 00:23:38,203 and then you said you had no surprises in your life, 609 00:23:38,204 --> 00:23:40,873 and that made me really sad, actually, 610 00:23:40,874 --> 00:23:42,374 and have I mentioned that I'm pretty drunk? 611 00:23:42,375 --> 00:23:45,110 Okay, I'm gonna need you to stop blathering 612 00:23:45,111 --> 00:23:48,247 and look me in the eye. 613 00:24:13,673 --> 00:24:18,344 [♪] 614 00:24:21,581 --> 00:24:23,216 Okay. 615 00:24:27,487 --> 00:24:28,687 Are you okay? 616 00:24:32,926 --> 00:24:35,260 I don't think so. 617 00:24:35,261 --> 00:24:38,130 But-- but-- 618 00:24:38,131 --> 00:24:39,832 Lola! 619 00:24:48,074 --> 00:24:49,308 Lola? 620 00:24:51,511 --> 00:24:52,811 I just wanted to make sure-- 621 00:24:52,812 --> 00:24:54,546 Make sure you got paid? 622 00:24:54,547 --> 00:24:56,548 No. 623 00:24:56,549 --> 00:24:59,751 I was actually... worried about you. 624 00:24:59,752 --> 00:25:00,953 Oh, the venerable hooker with a heart of gold. 625 00:25:00,954 --> 00:25:03,356 Lucky me. Take it. 626 00:25:04,257 --> 00:25:06,592 A, I am not a hooker, 627 00:25:06,593 --> 00:25:08,226 and B, you called me, 628 00:25:08,227 --> 00:25:10,228 so... 629 00:25:10,229 --> 00:25:12,098 My name is Emma. 630 00:25:12,899 --> 00:25:15,167 Hi, Emma. 631 00:25:15,168 --> 00:25:18,137 I'm Jack's wife. 632 00:25:19,005 --> 00:25:20,206 Okay... 633 00:25:22,141 --> 00:25:23,842 Minibar Makeout Guy from last night? 634 00:25:23,843 --> 00:25:25,277 What? 635 00:25:25,278 --> 00:25:26,612 Yeah. 636 00:25:26,613 --> 00:25:28,847 Why would you do this? 637 00:25:28,848 --> 00:25:30,749 He liked you. 638 00:25:30,750 --> 00:25:32,852 I wanted to find out why. 639 00:25:33,653 --> 00:25:35,388 Well, did you? 640 00:25:37,290 --> 00:25:40,326 I mean, find out why he liked me? 641 00:25:42,662 --> 00:25:44,096 Yeah. 642 00:25:46,165 --> 00:25:47,900 Unfortunately, I did. 643 00:25:54,007 --> 00:25:56,209 I like you right back, Emma. 644 00:26:02,081 --> 00:26:03,181 So, I'm... I'm just gonna... 645 00:26:03,182 --> 00:26:05,518 Izzy? 646 00:26:09,322 --> 00:26:14,460 [♪] 647 00:26:22,101 --> 00:26:26,405 [♪] 648 00:26:30,176 --> 00:26:32,011 Surprise. 649 00:26:37,250 --> 00:26:43,322 [♪] 650 00:26:47,727 --> 00:26:48,794 Hi. 651 00:26:48,795 --> 00:26:51,163 Oh... 652 00:26:53,900 --> 00:26:55,200 Are you eating here, or? 653 00:26:55,201 --> 00:26:57,236 No, I... You know what, it's-- 654 00:26:58,071 --> 00:26:59,071 Interesting fact-- 655 00:26:59,072 --> 00:27:00,072 it turns out 656 00:27:00,073 --> 00:27:01,073 four out of five Griffin grad students 657 00:27:01,074 --> 00:27:02,875 actually live in this building, so-- 658 00:27:03,976 --> 00:27:04,976 Plus, I saw 659 00:27:04,977 --> 00:27:06,745 your name on the directory 660 00:27:06,746 --> 00:27:07,913 in the foyer. 661 00:27:07,914 --> 00:27:10,015 I've been pushing the button non-stop. 662 00:27:10,016 --> 00:27:11,951 Okay. 663 00:27:15,788 --> 00:27:16,722 Can we sit down for a sec? 664 00:27:16,723 --> 00:27:18,958 Yeah, sure. 665 00:27:22,695 --> 00:27:23,628 I love my wife. 666 00:27:23,629 --> 00:27:25,831 I really do. 667 00:27:25,832 --> 00:27:27,733 Just so you know that. 668 00:27:27,734 --> 00:27:30,102 And I, um... 669 00:27:30,103 --> 00:27:31,436 She's one of the few things in my life 670 00:27:31,437 --> 00:27:34,173 that I'm actually sure of. 671 00:27:35,441 --> 00:27:37,275 Jack, I was your escort. 672 00:27:37,276 --> 00:27:39,077 You don't have to break up with me. 673 00:27:39,078 --> 00:27:40,438 You just don't call me again. 674 00:27:42,081 --> 00:27:44,750 - Right, right. - Right? 675 00:27:44,751 --> 00:27:47,987 Um... 676 00:27:51,991 --> 00:27:54,893 I like you, like, a lot, 677 00:27:54,894 --> 00:27:57,096 and... we can't have that, so. 678 00:27:59,465 --> 00:28:01,299 I don't know when I'm gonna stop thinking about you. 679 00:28:01,300 --> 00:28:04,370 I just really, really hope it's soon. 680 00:28:06,439 --> 00:28:08,407 That's what I wanted to... 681 00:28:16,182 --> 00:28:22,321 [♪] 682 00:28:25,124 --> 00:28:26,826 - Okay. Bye. - Bye. 683 00:28:30,062 --> 00:28:31,196 [Jack]: The reason why I hired you 684 00:28:31,197 --> 00:28:33,265 is to save my marriage, actually. 685 00:28:33,266 --> 00:28:34,499 I don't think 686 00:28:34,500 --> 00:28:36,768 I'm like the other guys that hire you, to be honest. 687 00:28:36,769 --> 00:28:37,803 I came to this 688 00:28:37,804 --> 00:28:38,837 with, like, really... 689 00:28:38,838 --> 00:28:40,205 good intentions. 690 00:28:40,206 --> 00:28:42,107 That sounds so crazy. 691 00:28:42,108 --> 00:28:48,114 [♪] 692 00:28:55,188 --> 00:28:56,188 My marriage is in this, like, weird place. 693 00:28:56,189 --> 00:28:57,155 Hey. 694 00:28:57,156 --> 00:28:59,825 Hey. 695 00:28:59,826 --> 00:29:01,226 I really don't talk about it with anyone, 696 00:29:01,227 --> 00:29:02,294 but for some reason, 697 00:29:02,295 --> 00:29:04,062 I feel comfortable talking about it with you. 698 00:29:04,063 --> 00:29:06,865 [♪] 699 00:29:06,866 --> 00:29:08,167 What's that about? 700 00:29:09,936 --> 00:29:11,137 You're beautiful. 701 00:29:12,338 --> 00:29:13,505 Yeah? [laughs] 702 00:29:13,506 --> 00:29:15,073 What's rockin' your world hardest, 703 00:29:15,074 --> 00:29:17,243 my Pebbles' 'do or my thermal socks? 704 00:29:17,977 --> 00:29:21,346 I thought that this might help... 705 00:29:21,347 --> 00:29:23,949 in my wife and I's situation. 706 00:29:23,950 --> 00:29:25,451 I'm sorry. 707 00:29:28,287 --> 00:29:29,555 So am I. 708 00:29:36,195 --> 00:29:37,663 What're you doing? 709 00:29:39,932 --> 00:29:40,932 Can I turn this off? 710 00:29:40,933 --> 00:29:42,467 What're you doing? 711 00:29:42,468 --> 00:29:43,969 This is gonna take longer than three minutes. 712 00:29:43,970 --> 00:29:45,103 - Yeah? - Yeah. 713 00:29:45,104 --> 00:29:46,238 Yeah? 714 00:29:46,239 --> 00:29:49,375 Although probably no more than eight. 715 00:29:51,277 --> 00:29:53,278 Are we seriously gonna do it on the kitchen floor? 716 00:29:53,279 --> 00:29:55,181 Mm-hmm. 717 00:29:59,418 --> 00:30:01,320 I'll take that as a yes. 718 00:30:04,590 --> 00:30:09,127 What the fuck? 719 00:30:09,128 --> 00:30:10,596 Izzy? 720 00:30:19,405 --> 00:30:21,273 Oh, my God! 721 00:30:23,876 --> 00:30:25,644 What the hell happened? 722 00:30:26,512 --> 00:30:27,512 You're what happened. 723 00:30:27,513 --> 00:30:29,514 What? What the hell did I do? 724 00:30:29,515 --> 00:30:32,117 Listen to me closely, Nina. 725 00:30:32,118 --> 00:30:33,585 I quit. 726 00:30:33,586 --> 00:30:37,022 Yup. I'm serious this time, okay? 727 00:30:37,023 --> 00:30:39,391 I'm done getting tangled in people's lives, 728 00:30:39,392 --> 00:30:41,426 and if you try to talk me out of it, 729 00:30:41,427 --> 00:30:42,627 I will snap, 730 00:30:42,628 --> 00:30:44,396 like, go the fuck off. 731 00:30:44,397 --> 00:30:45,430 Do you understand me? 732 00:30:45,431 --> 00:30:47,098 Yup. 733 00:30:47,099 --> 00:30:48,834 Yeah. Roger that. 734 00:30:53,005 --> 00:30:54,339 I'm very resentful 735 00:30:54,340 --> 00:30:56,341 that I don't have a fucking solid door right now. 736 00:30:56,342 --> 00:30:57,909 You chose that room! 737 00:30:57,910 --> 00:30:59,778 Stop talking to me! 738 00:31:06,485 --> 00:31:08,486 [sighs] 739 00:31:08,487 --> 00:31:09,855 What're you thinking? 740 00:31:13,326 --> 00:31:14,527 I met Izzy today. 741 00:31:15,995 --> 00:31:16,962 What? 742 00:31:16,963 --> 00:31:19,231 We made out. 743 00:31:21,500 --> 00:31:24,870 After she gave me a footjob under the table. 744 00:31:29,175 --> 00:31:30,408 And I probably should've told you this 745 00:31:30,409 --> 00:31:32,043 a long, long time ago, 746 00:31:32,044 --> 00:31:34,079 but, um... 747 00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:35,881 she wasn't my first girl. 748 00:31:38,451 --> 00:31:40,753 Or my second. 749 00:31:44,256 --> 00:31:49,027 ♪ I see the world through brand-new eyes ♪ 750 00:31:49,028 --> 00:31:53,231 ♪ I see the light reflecting bright ♪ 751 00:31:53,232 --> 00:31:57,102 ♪ From the faces and the things I see ♪ 752 00:31:57,103 --> 00:31:58,570 ♪ Oh, now I see ♪ 753 00:31:58,571 --> 00:32:02,574 [♪] 754 00:32:02,575 --> 00:32:06,044 ♪ And it's up to me to see it all through ♪ 755 00:32:06,045 --> 00:32:09,614 ♪ But it's easy with you ♪ 756 00:32:09,615 --> 00:32:11,683 [♪] 757 00:32:11,684 --> 00:32:14,152 ♪ Na, na, na... ♪ 758 00:32:14,153 --> 00:32:18,156 ♪ Na, na, na, na Na, na, na ♪ 759 00:32:18,157 --> 00:32:22,260 ♪ Na, na, na, na Na, na, na ♪ 760 00:32:22,261 --> 00:32:24,662 ♪ Na, na, na... ♪ 761 00:32:24,663 --> 00:32:27,399 [♪] 762 00:32:27,400 --> 00:32:30,169 ♪ And it's up to me to see it all through ♪ 49659

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