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1
00:00:11,060 --> 00:00:13,688
The new low-calorie,
high-energy soft drink.
2
00:00:13,863 --> 00:00:16,764
Take advantage now
of the special introductory otter...
3
00:00:16,932 --> 00:00:19,958
...presently being made
by your friendly neighborhood grocer.
4
00:00:20,136 --> 00:00:23,595
This week only,
an eight-bottle canon will be on sale...
5
00:00:23,773 --> 00:00:25,798
...for the price of our regular six-pack.
6
00:00:25,975 --> 00:00:28,637
- The show started.
- I told you we should have come earlier.
7
00:00:28,811 --> 00:00:31,542
ANNOUNCER: Tonight,
Joe White will have as his guest...
8
00:00:31,714 --> 00:00:33,910
...on this provocative hour
of conversation...
9
00:00:34,083 --> 00:00:35,244
...an American Nazi.
10
00:00:35,718 --> 00:00:39,518
A man who's claimed to have spent
last weekend in a flying saucer.
11
00:00:39,688 --> 00:00:43,056
And a young lady
who's remarkably successful first novel...
12
00:00:43,225 --> 00:00:45,592
...has created a storm of controversy.
13
00:00:46,162 --> 00:00:47,652
That's what I like about Joe.
14
00:00:47,830 --> 00:00:51,391
He comes to grips
with the burning issues of our times.
15
00:00:51,567 --> 00:00:54,195
ANNOUNCER: And now,
ladies and gentlemen, here he is.
16
00:00:54,370 --> 00:00:58,398
The one, the only, Joe White.
17
00:01:04,713 --> 00:01:06,374
Thank you.
18
00:01:08,851 --> 00:01:12,048
Our first guest tonight,
Miss Jacqueline Midcult...
19
00:01:12,221 --> 00:01:14,349
...the schoolteacher
who wrote the dirty book.
20
00:01:14,523 --> 00:01:15,820
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
21
00:01:15,991 --> 00:01:18,790
I beg your pardon. My book is not dirty.
22
00:01:18,961 --> 00:01:22,295
Te“ me.
how did 391“ 01 your lender years...
23
00:01:22,464 --> 00:01:26,958
...presumably delicate upbringing,
write a book like this?
24
00:01:27,736 --> 00:01:29,101
Mr. White!
25
00:01:29,271 --> 00:01:32,434
How did a man of your obvious breeding,
and kindly appearance...
26
00:01:32,608 --> 00:01:35,578
...ever get to be so un--
Unbearably rude?
27
00:01:36,545 --> 00:01:37,740
Chalk one up for her.
28
00:01:37,913 --> 00:01:40,041
WHITE:
I'm asking the questions, Miss Midcult.
29
00:01:40,216 --> 00:01:42,742
JACQUELINE:
Well, your questions are leading, Mr. White.
30
00:01:43,652 --> 00:01:46,815
[WHITE AND JACQUELINE
ARGUING ON TV]
31
00:02:01,036 --> 00:02:03,937
- There's nothing here.
- She must have taken them with her.
32
00:02:04,106 --> 00:02:07,736
- But she's scheduled to die in--
- Four minutes.
33
00:02:07,910 --> 00:02:10,607
- What can we do?
- Nothing.
34
00:02:10,779 --> 00:02:12,679
Except watch.
35
00:02:13,449 --> 00:02:15,008
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS ON TV]
36
00:02:15,184 --> 00:02:18,552
WHITE: All right, so with this novel
of yours, and! use the term loosely.
37
00:02:18,721 --> 00:02:23,124
Isn't it just a-- A thin deception
for naked obscenity?
38
00:02:23,292 --> 00:02:27,160
- It is not obscene, my book is--
- Pieces of Fate, right?
39
00:02:27,329 --> 00:02:28,319
Yes, Pieces of Fate.
40
00:02:28,497 --> 00:02:31,728
It's a spy story about--
About people under stress.
41
00:02:31,901 --> 00:02:35,166
Come on now,
what we're talking about here is just din.
42
00:02:36,005 --> 00:02:38,269
Blatant, outright filth, isn't it?
43
00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:40,306
It is not, it's-- It's--
44
00:02:40,476 --> 00:02:43,810
What I try to do is portray real people,
in real situations--
45
00:02:43,979 --> 00:02:45,538
Real people? Oh, come on, now.
46
00:02:45,714 --> 00:02:49,912
Everybody knows that real secret agents
don't get involved in this kind of intrigue.
47
00:02:50,085 --> 00:02:51,553
In this kind of sex.
48
00:02:51,720 --> 00:02:54,519
Everybody knows we don't get mixed up
in things like that.
49
00:02:54,857 --> 00:02:55,881
Sure they do.
50
00:02:56,058 --> 00:02:59,460
WHITE: Oh, wait a moment. This gentleman
on the docket wants to ask you a question.
51
00:02:59,628 --> 00:03:00,686
Yes, sir?
52
00:03:01,063 --> 00:03:03,555
What I wanna say to this lady is this:
53
00:03:04,233 --> 00:03:05,257
[GUNSHOTS]
54
00:03:05,434 --> 00:03:07,334
[CROWD SCREAMING]
55
00:03:27,623 --> 00:03:29,318
Vanished.
56
00:03:34,296 --> 00:03:37,266
Now that's the way to get a rating.
57
00:04:30,452 --> 00:04:33,888
Chapter one of Jacqueline Midcult's novel,
gentlemen.
58
00:04:34,056 --> 00:04:37,048
In which a deadly band of villains
known as Killjoy...
59
00:04:37,226 --> 00:04:40,890
...prepare to seed the trade winds
with anthrax germs.
60
00:04:41,063 --> 00:04:43,862
And in 1962...
61
00:04:44,466 --> 00:04:48,334
...Thrush Central's top maneuver
is scotched by ourselves. To wit?
62
00:04:48,504 --> 00:04:51,940
The destruction of Thrush's
floating laboratory in the Indian Ocean...
63
00:04:52,107 --> 00:04:55,907
...from which they planned to seed
the trade winds with anthrax.
64
00:04:56,078 --> 00:04:57,773
Chapter two of the Pieces of Fate.
65
00:04:58,580 --> 00:05:01,914
In which Killjoy's head assassin,
the Spider...
66
00:05:02,084 --> 00:05:07,181
...is killed by the sexy female spy,
May Waltzer...
67
00:05:07,356 --> 00:05:09,518
...and thrown into the heart
of Mount Vesuvius.
68
00:05:09,691 --> 00:05:13,924
And in 1965, our top female operative,
April Dancer...
69
00:05:14,430 --> 00:05:18,458
...encounters the Thrush killer,
Adam Locust.
70
00:05:18,634 --> 00:05:22,070
And disposed of him
on the slopes of Mount Etna.
71
00:05:22,237 --> 00:05:26,470
Our computer section has compared
this alleged novel, gentlemen...
72
00:05:26,642 --> 00:05:28,303
...with our closed case files.
73
00:05:29,144 --> 00:05:33,081
The similarities
run to a staggering 88 percent.
74
00:05:33,248 --> 00:05:36,377
So the conclusion is
that Jacqueline Midcult's novel...
75
00:05:36,552 --> 00:05:40,318
...is based on actual instance
involving Thrush and ourselves.
76
00:05:40,489 --> 00:05:42,890
- Has she had access to our files?
- No.
77
00:05:45,294 --> 00:05:48,127
Well, then the only other source
would have to be the missing diaries...
78
00:05:48,297 --> 00:05:51,164
...of the late Thrush historian,
Charles Coltrane.
79
00:05:51,333 --> 00:05:52,858
Exactly.
80
00:05:53,135 --> 00:05:56,799
Somehow Miss Midcult
found these diaries.
81
00:05:57,106 --> 00:06:01,703
And presumably, they contain information
about future Thrush plans.
82
00:06:01,877 --> 00:06:04,005
Hence their interest in the young lady.
83
00:06:04,179 --> 00:06:05,738
WAVERLY:
And ours, Mr. Kuryakin.
84
00:06:08,417 --> 00:06:11,284
Well, it seems quite simple,
all you have to do is to find Ms. Midcult...
85
00:06:11,453 --> 00:06:14,286
...and, uh, get her to tell you
where the missing diaries are.
86
00:06:15,491 --> 00:06:17,983
- Oh, you hadn't heard?
- Heard what?
87
00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:21,721
Miss Midcult was grazed
by the assassin's bullet.
88
00:06:22,064 --> 00:06:23,554
Struck her head when she fell.
89
00:06:24,967 --> 00:06:27,629
She has partial amnesia.
90
00:06:27,803 --> 00:06:29,032
ILLYA:
Hm.
91
00:06:30,005 --> 00:06:32,497
SOLO: The diaries were kept by a man
named Coltrane.
92
00:06:32,674 --> 00:06:35,837
And when Thrush
became aware of his, uh, hobby...
93
00:06:36,011 --> 00:06:38,343
...they were afraid
that he might blackmail them...
94
00:06:38,514 --> 00:06:39,879
...so they had him killed.
95
00:06:40,048 --> 00:06:44,747
- Oh, that's terrible.
- Yeah, and they never did find the diaries.
96
00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:48,823
And for some reason, uh.
somehow, you did.
97
00:06:48,991 --> 00:06:51,858
And you used at least
part of one of the stories...
98
00:06:52,027 --> 00:06:54,724
...as the background for your novel.
99
00:06:56,965 --> 00:07:00,560
- I still don't remember.
- You don't remember writing the book?
100
00:07:01,570 --> 00:07:02,901
[SIGHS]
101
00:07:04,740 --> 00:07:05,969
No.
102
00:07:06,141 --> 00:07:08,735
Oh, but I read it this morning.
It's pretty good don't you think?
103
00:07:08,911 --> 00:07:11,403
Yes, I would say
it's evoking some interest.
104
00:07:11,580 --> 00:07:13,480
- You know the part I like best?
- Mm-mm.
105
00:07:13,649 --> 00:07:15,515
- Oh, could you open this please?
- Mm-hm.
106
00:07:15,684 --> 00:07:18,654
I like the part where the schoolteacher
goes back to visit her relatives...
107
00:07:18,820 --> 00:07:21,346
...and all those things happen to her.
108
00:07:22,057 --> 00:07:27,223
You know, I have a feeling
I wrote that out of my own experience.
109
00:07:27,396 --> 00:07:28,955
- Really?
- Mm. Thank you.
110
00:07:29,131 --> 00:07:32,761
You don't remember
the name of the town now.
111
00:07:33,168 --> 00:07:35,762
- Wilm0, Illinois.
- No, no, no, that's the fictional town.
112
00:07:35,938 --> 00:07:38,703
Uh, the real town. Can't you recall that?
113
00:07:38,874 --> 00:07:40,239
Mm...
114
00:07:40,409 --> 00:07:41,570
Mm-mm.
115
00:07:41,743 --> 00:07:43,905
- Sony.
- Yeah. Ah. Uh-huh.
116
00:07:44,079 --> 00:07:46,446
All right, I tell you...
117
00:07:46,615 --> 00:07:48,379
-...we'll try later, okay?
- All right.
118
00:07:48,550 --> 00:07:51,110
- Okay, goodbye.
- Bye-bye.
119
00:08:00,796 --> 00:08:02,730
I had no way of knowing, Mr. Zark.
120
00:08:02,898 --> 00:08:04,730
The U.N.C.L.E. agents
came out of the audience.
121
00:08:04,900 --> 00:08:06,368
It's true, I didn't kill her but--
122
00:08:06,535 --> 00:08:11,837
ZARK: When I was 13 years old,
I made my first genuinely original decision.
123
00:08:12,774 --> 00:08:14,868
I killed a playmate
because he wouldn't trade me...
124
00:08:15,043 --> 00:08:17,808
...two bubblegum cards
to complete my collection.
125
00:08:18,347 --> 00:08:21,476
But, sir, you don't know
where the diaries are.
126
00:08:21,650 --> 00:08:23,584
You wanna keep her alive now.
127
00:08:23,752 --> 00:08:25,550
So I didn't really fail, did I?
128
00:08:25,721 --> 00:08:28,747
- Did I?
ZARK: It was a small thing at the time.
129
00:08:28,924 --> 00:08:31,120
A Sopwith triplane.
130
00:08:31,293 --> 00:08:32,727
A Spad XIII.
131
00:08:33,829 --> 00:08:38,460
But it did teach me that there are
two kinds of people in this world, Spinard.
132
00:08:39,001 --> 00:08:43,495
Fifteen years of slavishly loyal service
to Thrush, sir.
133
00:08:43,672 --> 00:08:47,575
Yes, two kinds of people:
134
00:08:47,743 --> 00:08:51,805
Those with bubblegum cards,
and those without.
135
00:08:53,448 --> 00:08:59,080
You notice I deal in allegory
and subtle distinction, Spinard.
136
00:08:59,888 --> 00:09:02,858
But my conclusions are obvious.
137
00:09:12,167 --> 00:09:15,364
There's a mess in here I'd like cleaned up.
138
00:09:15,537 --> 00:09:20,202
And, uh, call Ms. Merle,
tell her I'm on my way over.
139
00:09:25,747 --> 00:09:27,909
Ha, ha. That's right.
140
00:09:28,083 --> 00:09:31,075
That's right,
my review will be printed Wednesday.
141
00:09:31,253 --> 00:09:36,054
I'm sure, darling, that by Thursday,
that author will be back to selling neckties.
142
00:09:36,224 --> 00:09:38,784
Ha, ha. Bye.
143
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:40,621
[INTERCOM BEEPS]
144
00:09:42,464 --> 00:09:44,796
Have Mr. Zark come in.
145
00:09:53,408 --> 00:09:54,807
ZARK:
Hello there.
146
00:09:54,976 --> 00:09:58,105
Good afternoon,
they told me you were coming.
147
00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:01,212
You, um, usually work in bed?
148
00:10:01,383 --> 00:10:02,976
[LAUGHS]
149
00:10:03,151 --> 00:10:05,813
Only in the daytime.
150
00:10:05,987 --> 00:10:07,216
[LAUGHS]
151
00:10:09,858 --> 00:10:13,920
Into whose unsuspecting back are you
plunging your little stiletto this time?
152
00:10:14,096 --> 00:10:18,431
Ha, ha. Some inconsequential little man,
who fancies himself a poet.
153
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:21,797
He's not worth mentioning really.
154
00:10:25,173 --> 00:10:28,632
Tell me, are you enjoying your first day
as a Thrush employee?
155
00:10:28,810 --> 00:10:32,144
- It's not much 01a change.
- Oh?
156
00:10:32,314 --> 00:10:38,253
Ellipsis Zark, 14 years, top agent of Thrush.
157
00:10:38,420 --> 00:10:42,516
Holder of three medals
for meritorious service.
158
00:10:42,958 --> 00:10:45,928
Judith Merle, world-famous critic.
159
00:10:46,094 --> 00:10:51,794
Literateur, book reviewer,
confidante of authors.
160
00:10:52,968 --> 00:10:55,062
We employ different means...
161
00:10:55,237 --> 00:11:00,198
...but we're both equally skilled
as assassins.
162
00:11:00,375 --> 00:11:02,241
[CHUCKLES]
163
00:11:02,411 --> 00:11:06,211
- You ready for your first assignment?
- Oh, ready and eager.
164
00:11:06,381 --> 00:11:07,678
Excellent, madam.
165
00:11:08,850 --> 00:11:13,720
I want you to arrange a literary
cocktail party for Jacqueline Midcult.
166
00:11:14,689 --> 00:11:16,179
Hm.
167
00:11:17,225 --> 00:11:20,525
The U.N.C.L.E. agents have her now.
How do you know they'll let he! come?
168
00:11:20,695 --> 00:11:22,629
Oh, they won't be able to stop her.
169
00:11:22,798 --> 00:11:24,630
There's no more vain creature
in the world...
170
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:27,394
...than one with its name
on the cover of a cheap book.
171
00:11:28,637 --> 00:11:30,435
[LAUGHING]
172
00:11:32,741 --> 00:11:34,175
[CHUCKLES]
173
00:11:35,477 --> 00:11:40,210
Now, once more. Uh, you have
no recollection of the town at all?
174
00:11:40,382 --> 00:11:43,374
- Wilm0, Illinois?
- No, no, no, I mean the real-life counterpart.
175
00:11:43,552 --> 00:11:45,042
Oh.
176
00:11:45,220 --> 00:11:48,190
All right, let's try a different tactic.
177
00:11:48,356 --> 00:11:50,381
You have no recollection
of your parents either?
178
00:11:52,694 --> 00:11:56,324
- No other relatives?
- I'm sorry.
179
00:11:57,699 --> 00:11:59,497
Uh...
180
00:12:00,535 --> 00:12:02,435
- What about"?
- Mr. Solo?
181
00:12:02,604 --> 00:12:04,971
- Napoleon.
- Napoleon.
182
00:12:05,140 --> 00:12:07,438
Uh, how long are you gonna keep me
cooped up in here?
183
00:12:07,609 --> 00:12:10,374
- Well, Miss Midcult, you see--
- Jacqueline.
184
00:12:10,545 --> 00:12:12,035
- Jacqueline.
- Jacqueline, okay.
185
00:12:12,214 --> 00:12:13,773
It's for your own protection, you see--
186
00:12:13,949 --> 00:12:15,007
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
187
00:12:15,183 --> 00:12:16,173
Come in.
188
00:12:16,351 --> 00:12:17,682
[DOOR OPENS]
189
00:12:17,853 --> 00:12:19,617
Good morning.
190
00:12:19,788 --> 00:12:23,122
ILLYA: A letter for you at the desk.
- Oh, for me?
191
00:12:23,291 --> 00:12:25,817
- Anything?
- I just spoke with headquarters.
192
00:12:25,994 --> 00:12:28,224
Intelligence has pinpointed
Miss Midcult's whereabouts...
193
00:12:28,396 --> 00:12:30,023
...ever since she came out of college.
194
00:12:30,198 --> 00:12:31,723
Hm. Well, that's promising.
195
00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:36,133
Except for a five-month period last year,
when she posted the manuscript.
196
00:12:36,304 --> 00:12:39,467
Well, doesn't the publisher have any idea
where she posted it from?
197
00:12:40,375 --> 00:12:44,209
Well, one of the mail clerks
seem to think it had an Ohio postmark.
198
00:12:44,379 --> 00:12:46,575
- Oh, I--
SOLO: What is it?
199
00:12:46,748 --> 00:12:49,718
I'm invited to a literary cocktail party.
What am I gonna wear?
200
00:12:49,885 --> 00:12:52,582
I've never been invited
to a literary cocktail party and it's for me.
201
00:12:52,754 --> 00:12:54,950
Uh, Jacqueline,
I'm afraid you can't go to this.
202
00:12:55,123 --> 00:12:56,249
Why not?
203
00:12:56,424 --> 00:12:58,893
- Napoleon, could I have a word with you?
- Okay.
204
00:12:59,060 --> 00:13:00,459
Wait a minute.
205
00:13:02,397 --> 00:13:05,423
I think we should let her go.
It might awaken old memories.
206
00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:09,230
No, it's too dangerous. You can bet
that it she goes, Thrush will be there.
207
00:13:09,404 --> 00:13:10,769
That might help us.
208
00:13:10,939 --> 00:13:14,967
They're bound to be further on
in their pursuit of the diaries than we are.
209
00:13:17,546 --> 00:13:20,914
Jacqueline, you can go
to the cocktail party on one condition.
210
00:13:21,082 --> 00:13:22,072
What's that?
211
00:13:22,250 --> 00:13:25,811
That you have two escorts.
212
00:13:30,926 --> 00:13:35,295
[PIANO PLAYING SOFT MUSIC]
213
00:13:35,463 --> 00:13:38,296
Well, I heard she was a schoolteacher
in Indianapolis.
214
00:13:38,466 --> 00:13:40,935
[CROWD CHATTERING]
215
00:13:43,738 --> 00:13:45,001
MAN 1:
So I said to him, I said:
216
00:13:45,173 --> 00:13:46,766
“What do you mean
that serious problem...
217
00:13:46,942 --> 00:13:49,274
...about the death
01a carrier pigeon wouldn't sell?“
218
00:14:10,298 --> 00:14:12,494
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
219
00:14:15,904 --> 00:14:18,168
I'm so pleased you came early.
220
00:14:18,340 --> 00:14:22,334
Most novelists like to assert
their individuality by coming late.
221
00:14:22,510 --> 00:14:25,502
I'm Napoleon Solo,
I'm Ms. Midcult's new literary agent.
222
00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:29,207
- And this is my associate, Mr. Kuryakin.
- Judith Merle.
223
00:14:29,384 --> 00:14:34,550
Judith, yes, I've read your reviews.
Very incisive.
224
00:14:36,291 --> 00:14:42,594
A synonym for incisive is nasty,
but thank you, in any case, Mr. Solo.
225
00:14:43,431 --> 00:14:46,366
Jacqueline, don't you remember me?
226
00:14:47,135 --> 00:14:52,073
Judith? I gave you that rave review
in the Morning Standard?
227
00:14:55,577 --> 00:14:56,840
Uh, Ms. Merle...
228
00:14:57,646 --> 00:15:02,015
...Ms. Midcult has partial amnesia due to
the unpleasantness of the Joe White show.
229
00:15:02,183 --> 00:15:05,551
It's not permanent,
but, uh, you understand.
230
00:15:07,555 --> 00:15:11,514
Oh, what a terrible thing.
I'm dreadfully sorry.
231
00:15:11,693 --> 00:15:13,127
Oh, thank you.
232
00:15:14,229 --> 00:15:17,563
Poor darling.
why don't you all go in and mingle?
233
00:15:17,732 --> 00:15:20,030
I'll join you in a moment.
234
00:15:40,288 --> 00:15:42,916
U.N.C.L.E. agents, probably two of them.
235
00:15:43,091 --> 00:15:47,324
We'll have to get her away from them.
But she mustn't be hurt.
236
00:15:47,495 --> 00:15:49,361
Can I have a drink?
237
00:15:50,331 --> 00:15:54,393
You can have a lap in the mouth
if you don't shape up.
238
00:15:59,374 --> 00:16:02,833
Darling, you simply must come
and meet Rahj Singh...
239
00:16:03,011 --> 00:16:06,003
...the psychedelic poet.
240
00:16:06,548 --> 00:16:08,880
Basically, I think Camus is a fraud.
241
00:16:09,050 --> 00:16:10,814
Now I'll tell you why I think he's a fraud.
242
00:16:20,495 --> 00:16:22,725
His problem was
he liked to lecture people.
243
00:16:22,897 --> 00:16:25,628
There's one thing you can't do,
you can't lecture people.
244
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:27,564
I'll tell you why
you can't lecture people...
245
00:16:27,736 --> 00:16:31,104
...because when you do,
you assert your will on theirs...
246
00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:48,018
I've got a gun in your back.
247
00:16:48,189 --> 00:16:50,624
Has he got a gun in my back?
248
00:16:51,626 --> 00:16:55,062
- He has a gun in your back.
- Out.
249
00:16:55,230 --> 00:16:56,959
[SOLO CLEARS THROAT]
250
00:17:00,635 --> 00:17:01,659
[MUFFLED SCREAMING]
251
00:17:01,836 --> 00:17:02,894
Ow!
252
00:17:03,071 --> 00:17:04,402
[SCREAMS]
253
00:17:05,507 --> 00:17:08,807
Get her to the car.
Use the service elevator.
254
00:17:08,977 --> 00:17:11,071
Take her to Zark.
255
00:17:18,019 --> 00:17:22,354
Ms. Merle said to get rid of you.
I'll show her I ain't an idiot.
256
00:17:42,076 --> 00:17:46,638
Gee, you'll like it down there. Dark.
257
00:17:53,254 --> 00:17:55,848
Maybe today, or maybe tomorrow...
258
00:17:56,024 --> 00:17:59,892
...comes down about 10 tons
of nice, black coal.
259
00:18:00,061 --> 00:18:02,029
Bye-bye.
260
00:18:14,409 --> 00:18:19,347
Oh, this ludicrous pretext of amnesia
simply won't work, Ms. Midcult.
261
00:18:19,514 --> 00:18:22,950
We here at Thrush find it offensive
when our intelligence is insulted.
262
00:18:23,117 --> 00:18:24,107
But it's true.
263
00:18:24,285 --> 00:18:28,813
And I suppose Solo and Kuryakin
really were your literary agents?
264
00:18:28,990 --> 00:18:30,480
Huh?
265
00:18:32,427 --> 00:18:34,452
Has Obelisk reported in yet?
266
00:18:34,629 --> 00:18:39,760
The U.N.C.L.E. men
had been put out of the way permanently.
267
00:18:41,135 --> 00:18:43,103
So you see, Ms. Midcult...
268
00:18:43,271 --> 00:18:46,866
...obfuscation and dissembling
will avail you little.
269
00:18:51,479 --> 00:18:53,880
All right, get me the hypo.
270
00:18:56,951 --> 00:18:59,318
Well, we're not dead yet.
271
00:19:00,255 --> 00:19:04,021
I'm overcome with awe
at your grasp of the situation.
272
00:19:04,192 --> 00:19:09,221
We could be dead though, very soon,
if they drop that load of coal.
273
00:19:09,731 --> 00:19:11,995
How did you get your gag off?
274
00:19:18,006 --> 00:19:19,132
[GASPS]
275
00:19:19,307 --> 00:19:24,211
It's extraordinary how complicated even
the most simple situations become.
276
00:19:24,545 --> 00:19:26,639
I think it would be advisable
to get out of here...
277
00:19:26,814 --> 00:19:29,146
...before they drop
that load of coal on us.
278
00:19:29,317 --> 00:19:32,912
What's the rush? It's the first--
First solitude I've had in weeks.
279
00:19:33,087 --> 00:19:34,680
Well, the rush is that...
280
00:19:34,856 --> 00:19:39,293
...I think if 10 tons of coal comes down
on us, it's gonna muss up my hair a little.
281
00:19:39,460 --> 00:19:41,292
It's unlikely.
282
00:19:41,596 --> 00:19:44,793
All right, I'll go along
with your little game. Why is it unlikely?
283
00:19:44,966 --> 00:19:48,994
Well, if you listen carefully,
you'll hear the sounds of an oil furnace.
284
00:19:49,170 --> 00:19:51,730
This place doesn't use coal anymore.
285
00:19:51,906 --> 00:19:54,204
[FURNACE HUMMING]
286
00:20:15,063 --> 00:20:17,828
Well, if it is amnesia,
we have to break the block.
287
00:20:18,733 --> 00:20:22,101
We have to probe deeply
into her unconscious.
288
00:20:22,270 --> 00:20:25,001
We have to plumb her libido,
draw out her id.
289
00:20:29,677 --> 00:20:32,271
Jacqueline.
290
00:20:32,447 --> 00:20:35,576
Yes?
291
00:20:36,417 --> 00:20:39,409
Now you repeat after me.
292
00:20:39,721 --> 00:20:44,215
I will tell the nice Mr. Ellipsis Zark
everything.
293
00:20:44,792 --> 00:20:47,523
Now, repeat after me.
294
00:20:47,695 --> 00:20:51,757
I will tell the nice Mr...
295
00:20:52,734 --> 00:20:57,934
- EIIipsis.
JACQUELINE: Ellipsis Zark everything.
296
00:20:58,106 --> 00:20:59,403
ZARK: Good.
JACQUELINE: Good.
297
00:20:59,574 --> 00:21:02,509
Now only speak when you're spoken to.
298
00:21:03,945 --> 00:21:05,470
Tell me, Jacqueline.
299
00:21:05,646 --> 00:21:09,480
Did you write a novel
called Pieces of Fate?
300
00:21:09,650 --> 00:21:11,049
- No.
- No?
301
00:21:11,219 --> 00:21:13,415
Oh, but you wanna know something?
302
00:21:13,588 --> 00:21:18,150
I wrote--
I wrote a story about a day at the zoo.
303
00:21:18,326 --> 00:21:20,886
And I colored it with my crayons.
304
00:21:21,062 --> 00:21:24,362
In pink and blue.
305
00:21:25,033 --> 00:21:27,798
ZARK:
Now, um, tell me your name.
306
00:21:27,969 --> 00:21:30,461
[JACQUELINE GIGGLES]
307
00:21:30,638 --> 00:21:35,974
Jacqueline Susie-Q Midcult,
and I'm 7 years old.
308
00:21:36,144 --> 00:21:40,274
- Good heavens, we've gone too far.
- She thinks she's a child.
309
00:21:40,448 --> 00:21:44,681
She is a child. Personality regression.
310
00:21:45,353 --> 00:21:47,185
I'm 7 years old. And you know what?
311
00:21:47,355 --> 00:21:51,292
Next summer,
I get to go visit with my Uncle Charlie.
312
00:21:51,459 --> 00:21:56,659
And my Auntie Jessica
in a big old house...
313
00:21:57,899 --> 00:22:01,460
...in Mainsville, Ohio.
314
00:22:01,636 --> 00:22:02,660
[CHUCKLES]
315
00:22:02,837 --> 00:22:06,705
Ohio. She has relatives
in Mainsville, Ohio.
316
00:22:06,874 --> 00:22:09,366
MERLE:
And the manuscript came from Ohio.
317
00:22:09,544 --> 00:22:11,171
ZARK:
Then the diaries might be there.
318
00:22:11,345 --> 00:22:14,246
MERLE: And when the drugs wear off,
she'll take us right to them.
319
00:22:14,415 --> 00:22:17,248
ZARK [ON RADIO]: New, hopefully she'll remember.
320
00:22:17,418 --> 00:22:20,911
MERLE:
Then we'll tear the town apart.
321
00:22:21,089 --> 00:22:24,525
JACQUELINE: This little old piggy
went, "wee, wee, wee" all the way home.
322
00:22:24,692 --> 00:22:27,184
It was very clever of you
to bug her earring.
323
00:22:27,361 --> 00:22:28,795
It may save our jobs.
324
00:22:28,963 --> 00:22:32,422
Mr. Waverly isn't going to be happy
about our losing her in the first place.
325
00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:35,194
- Well, I won't tell if you don't tell.
- Yeah.
326
00:22:35,369 --> 00:22:37,895
Well, let's just save her, comedian.
327
00:22:38,072 --> 00:22:41,667
Humor is the gadfly
on the corpse of tragedy.
328
00:22:41,943 --> 00:22:45,538
- Pushkin?
- My grandmother.
329
00:22:49,984 --> 00:22:51,679
[DEVICE BEEPING]
330
00:22:51,853 --> 00:22:53,912
Beeps are getting closer.
331
00:22:54,088 --> 00:22:56,056
They're bringing her this way.
332
00:22:56,224 --> 00:22:58,192
[VEHICLE APPROACHING]
333
00:22:58,359 --> 00:23:00,453
[BEEPS INTENSIFYING]
334
00:23:01,429 --> 00:23:02,453
Here they come.
335
00:23:15,543 --> 00:23:16,874
[GRUNTING]
336
00:23:38,933 --> 00:23:41,061
[SCREAMS]
337
00:24:49,470 --> 00:24:50,960
[CRYING]
338
00:24:51,138 --> 00:24:53,903
SOLO: Are you all right?
- Where's Mommy?
339
00:24:54,075 --> 00:24:59,775
I want my mommy. Mama, I want Mama.
340
00:25:00,748 --> 00:25:02,716
- I don't wanna take a pill.
- Come on now, take it.
341
00:25:02,883 --> 00:25:03,907
- No, no.
- Come on, take it.
342
00:25:04,085 --> 00:25:05,849
You take it,
and then you can have this.
343
00:25:09,390 --> 00:25:11,950
- Promise?
SOLO: Scout's honor.
344
00:25:15,396 --> 00:25:17,387
Do you think it'll work, sir?
345
00:25:17,565 --> 00:25:20,364
Our medical people assure me it will.
346
00:25:20,801 --> 00:25:23,202
We can't say
when her memory will return.
347
00:25:23,371 --> 00:25:26,341
But she won't be a 7-year-old
much longer.
348
00:25:27,241 --> 00:25:28,868
Oh, thank you.
349
00:25:29,510 --> 00:25:31,478
- Here are your tickets for Ohio.
- No!
350
00:25:32,513 --> 00:25:35,005
And gentlemen,
please don't lose her this time.
351
00:25:35,182 --> 00:25:37,651
SOLO:
We'll do our best, sir.
352
00:25:38,686 --> 00:25:42,645
But I don't want to go to Ohio.
People keep tying me up.
353
00:25:42,823 --> 00:25:44,723
Well, nobody's gonna tie you up,
sweetheart.
354
00:25:46,394 --> 00:25:49,455
We're gonna see your Uncle Charlie
and your Aunt Jessie.
355
00:25:49,630 --> 00:25:52,691
- In Mainsville?
- In Mainsville.
356
00:25:52,867 --> 00:25:56,599
Oh! I wanna go now.
Come on, come on, I wanna go now.
357
00:25:56,771 --> 00:26:00,105
SOLO: If she doesn't come back from being
a 7-year-old, we'll never find the diaries.
358
00:26:00,274 --> 00:26:01,503
ILLYA:
Look on the bright side.
359
00:26:01,676 --> 00:26:04,202
With a mentality like that,
she could really write a bestseller.
360
00:26:05,146 --> 00:26:08,309
[TRAIN HORN BLARING]
361
00:26:10,918 --> 00:26:12,477
[JACQUELINE GRUNTS]
362
00:26:23,864 --> 00:26:24,854
Where am I?
363
00:26:25,700 --> 00:26:30,160
Don't you remember?
You're on a train nearing Mainsville, Ohio.
364
00:26:30,338 --> 00:26:32,773
Mainsville, Ohio?
365
00:26:32,940 --> 00:26:35,807
Oh, I remember you.
You're the two U.N.C.L.E. agents.
366
00:26:35,976 --> 00:26:38,445
You're Napoleon and you're Mr. Kuryakin.
367
00:26:38,612 --> 00:26:41,206
Do you remember Mainsville?
368
00:26:42,917 --> 00:26:46,376
Mm. Dimly.
369
00:26:46,921 --> 00:26:48,116
That's where I wrote the book.
370
00:26:49,056 --> 00:26:52,993
Right. With the aid of certain diaries.
371
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:55,595
Do you remember
where those diaries are?
372
00:26:55,763 --> 00:26:57,128
Mm.
373
00:26:57,298 --> 00:26:59,892
SOLO:
Come on, now. Try, think hard.
374
00:27:00,067 --> 00:27:01,330
[SIGHS]
375
00:27:03,104 --> 00:27:04,094
It's no use.
376
00:27:06,741 --> 00:27:10,302
Do you remember your Uncle Charlie
and Aunt Jessie?
377
00:27:10,478 --> 00:27:12,572
My Uncle Charlie and Aunt Jessie?
378
00:27:12,747 --> 00:27:15,273
- That's right.
- No.
379
00:27:19,286 --> 00:27:21,254
Well, she's not 7 years old anymore.
380
00:27:22,390 --> 00:27:27,055
- We're right back where we started.
- Well, a little more than that.
381
00:27:27,228 --> 00:27:29,663
She does remember Mainsville.
382
00:27:30,765 --> 00:27:35,635
I have a hunch it'll come back fast now.
383
00:27:37,071 --> 00:27:39,870
[TRAIN HORN BLARING]
384
00:28:03,831 --> 00:28:06,698
We would like to leave this somewhere
till we get settled.
385
00:28:06,867 --> 00:28:08,699
Oh, you bet you.
386
00:28:09,437 --> 00:28:12,372
- Nice little town you got here.
PORTER: Mm-hm.
387
00:28:12,540 --> 00:28:15,566
SOLO: Tell you, we're looking for
a fellow named Charlie and his wife Jessie.
388
00:28:15,743 --> 00:28:17,871
- Does that ring any bells with you?
- Nope.
389
00:28:18,045 --> 00:28:19,809
- But I'm new around here.
- Oh.
390
00:28:19,980 --> 00:28:22,642
PORTER: Just moved in from Cincinnati.
SOLO: Oh, yeah.
391
00:28:22,817 --> 00:28:24,911
There's no Midcult listed.
392
00:28:25,085 --> 00:28:27,019
Must be an uncle on your mother's side.
393
00:28:27,188 --> 00:28:29,020
- The bookstore.
- I beg your pardon?
394
00:28:29,190 --> 00:28:30,351
I remember the bookstore.
395
00:28:30,524 --> 00:28:32,356
Don't ask me why,
but the name's Buck's.
396
00:28:32,526 --> 00:28:34,051
- Buck's.
- Buck's?
397
00:28:34,228 --> 00:28:37,459
Oh, Buck's. Yeah, that's right across
the town square. I know that much.
398
00:28:37,631 --> 00:28:39,463
All right, good, good.
Let's try it, thank you.
399
00:28:39,633 --> 00:28:41,294
Oh, your stubs. Here are your stubs.
400
00:28:41,469 --> 00:28:42,994
Thank you.
401
00:28:49,076 --> 00:28:51,340
Where did you come from?
402
00:28:58,018 --> 00:29:02,421
They're on their way to the bookstore.
You know what to do?
403
00:29:13,834 --> 00:29:15,029
JACQUELINE:
It's really creepy.
404
00:29:15,202 --> 00:29:19,696
I remember Mainsville, or some of it.
And I know I wrote the book here.
405
00:29:20,407 --> 00:29:23,104
But it's like
I'm seeing it all through a fog.
406
00:29:23,277 --> 00:29:25,075
I just can't remember everything.
407
00:29:25,246 --> 00:29:27,681
Well, after that crack on the head
and what Zark did to you...
408
00:29:27,848 --> 00:29:29,316
...it's lucky you have a mind at all.
409
00:29:29,483 --> 00:29:31,918
Um, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to prowl around a bit.
410
00:29:32,086 --> 00:29:33,076
Where are you going?
411
00:29:33,254 --> 00:29:35,780
If Thrush knows about this place,
they're here.
412
00:29:35,956 --> 00:29:38,152
I'll see it I can divert
some of the attention from you.
413
00:29:38,325 --> 00:29:41,022
Oh, you plenty smart guy.
414
00:29:42,663 --> 00:29:44,859
He's nice.
415
00:29:45,266 --> 00:29:46,995
- Oh, he's all right.
- Ha, ha.
416
00:30:00,347 --> 00:30:03,146
Oh, Miss Midcult. Oh, ho, ho.
417
00:30:03,317 --> 00:30:06,446
Welcome to my shop,
welcome to Mainsville.
418
00:30:06,620 --> 00:30:08,554
Now you have a very nice place here,
Mr. Buck.
419
00:30:08,722 --> 00:30:13,319
- Oh, thank you, Mr...?
- Solo. I'm Miss Midcult's literary agent.
420
00:30:13,494 --> 00:30:18,432
Oh, Mr. Solo,
you are a fortunate man indeed...
421
00:30:18,599 --> 00:30:21,159
...to work with this delightful
young lady...
422
00:30:21,335 --> 00:30:26,398
...whose book has become the scintillance
of tomorrow's wonder.
423
00:30:26,574 --> 00:30:27,837
The what? Oh, the scin--
424
00:30:28,008 --> 00:30:29,066
Oh, of course, yes.
425
00:30:29,243 --> 00:30:31,371
Oh, that's very kind of you, Mr. Buck.
426
00:30:31,545 --> 00:30:35,413
Do you know that we have sold
16 copies herein Mainsville?
427
00:30:35,583 --> 00:30:38,109
- Right here in this store.
- Mm. Remarkable.
428
00:30:38,285 --> 00:30:41,255
Yes, it is, Mr. Solo. Veritably.
429
00:30:41,422 --> 00:30:43,720
Would you like some jasmine tea?
430
00:30:43,891 --> 00:30:46,883
Uh, I'd love some, Mr. Buck.
I'd just love some.
431
00:30:47,061 --> 00:30:49,155
Please, do call me Oedipus.
432
00:30:49,330 --> 00:30:51,230
- Please sit down.
- Oedipus. Ha.
433
00:30:56,403 --> 00:30:59,839
- Bring anything back?
- I remember the store.
434
00:31:00,007 --> 00:31:02,738
I think I spent a lot of time
writing the book here.
435
00:31:02,910 --> 00:31:06,369
- And Buck?
- Oh, I think he's cute.
436
00:31:06,547 --> 00:31:08,743
That's lovely.
but you think we can trust him?
437
00:31:08,916 --> 00:31:13,080
- We're going to need an ally.
- Oh, I think so, he's a little bird.
438
00:31:14,788 --> 00:31:17,223
ML, uh... Mr. Buck...
439
00:31:17,391 --> 00:31:22,261
...can we trust you
with some privileged information?
440
00:31:22,596 --> 00:31:24,792
- Trust?
- Mm-hm.
441
00:31:25,733 --> 00:31:28,600
I am the silence that infests the grave.
442
00:31:29,570 --> 00:31:34,235
I am the hush to be found
at the bottom of the Cayman Trench.
443
00:31:34,408 --> 00:31:38,208
I am the sealed Iippedness
of the eternal--
444
00:31:38,379 --> 00:31:39,540
Right. Got it.
445
00:31:39,713 --> 00:31:40,771
Now here's the problem.
446
00:31:40,948 --> 00:31:43,508
There are some diaries
that Jacqueline used for notes...
447
00:31:43,684 --> 00:31:45,118
...when she was working on her book.
448
00:31:45,285 --> 00:31:48,311
There were 10 of them
in brown leather bindings.
449
00:31:48,489 --> 00:31:50,651
Hey, I remembered.
450
00:31:51,125 --> 00:31:53,253
Now, these diaries are vastly important.
451
00:31:53,427 --> 00:31:55,919
You see, there's a plagiarism suit
pending in New York.
452
00:31:56,096 --> 00:31:57,655
And we need to use them as evidence.
453
00:31:57,831 --> 00:32:03,827
Yes, even the dullest eye could perceive
to ascertain their necessity.
454
00:32:04,004 --> 00:32:05,369
Why don't you get them?
455
00:32:06,306 --> 00:32:09,298
Uh... I misplaced them.
456
00:32:11,211 --> 00:32:13,441
Well, I don't know where they are.
457
00:32:13,614 --> 00:32:17,380
We know that, Mr. Buck. We were hoping
that you could help us find them.
458
00:32:17,551 --> 00:32:21,351
Well, did you ask Miss Midcult's
uncle and aunt at the house?
459
00:32:21,522 --> 00:32:23,547
Well, as you may have guessed...
460
00:32:23,724 --> 00:32:26,785
...uh, Ms. Midcult
has suffered a partial loss of memory.
461
00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:30,794
I don't even remember
my own relative's address.
462
00:32:30,964 --> 00:32:32,329
Charlie and Jessie?
463
00:32:33,767 --> 00:32:36,702
Oh, my poor child.
464
00:32:38,205 --> 00:32:43,609
Well, they live at 312 Pine Street.
465
00:32:43,777 --> 00:32:45,802
312 Pine. Thank you.
466
00:32:45,979 --> 00:32:48,778
- But you haven't touched your tea.
- Perhaps some other time, Mr. Buck.
467
00:32:48,949 --> 00:32:50,815
- Thank you very much.
- Oh, pleased, to be sure.
468
00:32:50,984 --> 00:32:55,888
Come back, I'm so looking forward
to seeing all of you again.
469
00:33:10,204 --> 00:33:11,729
Looking for something?
470
00:33:11,905 --> 00:33:15,466
If you'll raise your hands, Mr. Kuryakin.
471
00:33:17,544 --> 00:33:19,103
[GRUNTING]
472
00:33:19,279 --> 00:33:20,713
ILLYA:
Aah!
473
00:33:22,449 --> 00:33:24,713
I'd have killed him
if you hadn't interfered.
474
00:33:24,885 --> 00:33:26,512
They would have heard the shot.
475
00:33:26,687 --> 00:33:30,055
Excuse me, Ms. Merle,
but I think it's better to keep him alive.
476
00:33:30,224 --> 00:33:33,057
If his partner should learn too much,
we have a hostage.
477
00:33:34,161 --> 00:33:35,925
You may be right.
478
00:33:36,330 --> 00:33:40,460
I'll hide him away.
My car's right around the comer.
479
00:33:40,634 --> 00:33:42,932
But I haven't seen you before.
480
00:33:43,103 --> 00:33:46,937
I just came in this morning.
I'm with reserve unit X-14.
481
00:33:48,142 --> 00:33:51,601
Very good. Remind me to put in a word
with your unit commander.
482
00:33:51,779 --> 00:33:53,474
Thank you.
483
00:34:10,130 --> 00:34:12,929
- Wuthering Heights.
- Hey, I remember.
484
00:34:13,100 --> 00:34:15,432
That's where I wrote my book.
485
00:34:15,602 --> 00:34:19,505
And I remember Uncle Charlie
and Aunt Jessie.
486
00:34:20,174 --> 00:34:22,666
Ah, go on.
487
00:34:22,843 --> 00:34:26,074
Oh, it's really coming back fast now.
488
00:34:28,448 --> 00:34:31,816
Last summer, I was pretty, uh--
Pretty disillusioned.
489
00:34:31,985 --> 00:34:34,249
It was right after
a whole flock of rejection slips.
490
00:34:34,421 --> 00:34:39,359
And I came back here to rest up
and son of take stock, you know?
491
00:34:41,495 --> 00:34:45,898
It was the first time I'd come back here
to visit my aunt and uncle...
492
00:34:46,066 --> 00:34:48,398
...since I've been 7 years old.
493
00:34:48,569 --> 00:34:50,537
And I wasn't gonna write a word.
494
00:34:50,704 --> 00:34:52,172
And then I found these diaries.
495
00:34:52,339 --> 00:34:54,535
You found them here?
496
00:34:54,708 --> 00:34:56,335
Yeah, they were in a big trunk.
497
00:34:56,510 --> 00:34:59,741
Uncle Charlie said he bought them
from the railroad.
498
00:34:59,913 --> 00:35:04,009
At one of those unclaimed baggage,
luggage sales or something.
499
00:35:04,184 --> 00:35:06,152
MAN:
Jackie.
500
00:35:14,194 --> 00:35:16,629
JACQUELINE: Uncle Charlie.
CHARLIE: Hey.
501
00:35:17,331 --> 00:35:19,322
- Jackie.
- Oh, Uncle Charlie.
502
00:35:19,499 --> 00:35:21,763
It's so good to be here.
And it's so good to see you.
503
00:35:21,935 --> 00:35:24,165
You still smell like
that old nasty pipe tobacco.
504
00:35:24,338 --> 00:35:25,499
[LAUGHS]
505
00:35:25,672 --> 00:35:28,505
CHARLIE: You just passing by,
or are you gonna stay for a spell?
506
00:35:28,675 --> 00:35:30,905
Oh, we'd like to stay around for a spell,
if it's okay?
507
00:35:31,078 --> 00:35:34,275
- Okay, I'll fix up a room for you right now.
- Oh, where's Aunt Jessie?
508
00:35:34,448 --> 00:35:37,349
Oh, uh, she's fine, she's not here now.
509
00:35:37,517 --> 00:35:41,750
- She-- She had to go to a funeral in Akron.
- Oh.
510
00:35:41,922 --> 00:35:45,916
Oh, uh, Uncle Charlie this is Napoleon Solo.
511
00:35:46,093 --> 00:35:47,583
A very, very, dear friend of mine.
512
00:35:47,761 --> 00:35:51,061
Uh, he's with my, uh, publisher.
513
00:35:51,231 --> 00:35:54,861
And he's gonna stay with me
during the promotional campaign.
514
00:35:55,035 --> 00:35:56,594
- Glad to have you around, Mr. Solo.
- Hi.
515
00:35:56,770 --> 00:35:58,602
It's nice to have some news
from the big city.
516
00:35:59,806 --> 00:36:03,242
SOLO: You've got a friendly town here,
and a lovely home.
517
00:36:03,543 --> 00:36:08,276
CHARLIE: It ain't much
but we call it our, uh, blue heaven.
518
00:36:08,448 --> 00:36:10,678
Heaven, Mr. Solo.
519
00:36:11,351 --> 00:36:14,514
Or possibly hell.
520
00:36:25,832 --> 00:36:27,800
Open Channel D. Scramble, please.
521
00:36:27,968 --> 00:36:31,131
Channel D, open and scrambled.
Go ahead, Napoleon.
522
00:36:31,305 --> 00:36:32,966
SOLO:
Have you heard from "Iva?
523
00:36:33,140 --> 00:36:36,735
Not since your last regular check-in.
Has something happened?
524
00:36:37,477 --> 00:36:39,809
No, uh, maybe not. I'm not sure yet.
525
00:36:39,980 --> 00:36:41,243
Put me through to Mr. Waverly.
526
00:36:41,415 --> 00:36:43,406
I can't, he isn't here.
527
00:36:43,583 --> 00:36:47,281
He hasn't been for the last two days.
Some special assignment.
528
00:36:47,754 --> 00:36:51,520
- Is it important?
- No, forget it, Channel D out.
529
00:36:52,125 --> 00:36:55,356
- Mr. Solo, soup's on.
SOLO: Thank you.
530
00:36:55,529 --> 00:36:57,156
Be right down.
531
00:36:58,498 --> 00:37:00,023
Nice young fellow, Jackie.
532
00:37:00,200 --> 00:37:01,861
[GRUNTS]
533
00:37:02,035 --> 00:37:05,994
- Got any cuddling ideas about him?
- Oh, Uncle Charlie.
534
00:37:06,173 --> 00:37:11,441
Well, now, sweetheart, you're more
than old enough to have a husband.
535
00:37:13,280 --> 00:37:16,716
CHARLIE [ON RADIO]: Yes, sir,
[gotta have a talk with that Mr. Sula...
536
00:37:16,883 --> 00:37:19,352
---about his intentions with you,
young missy.
537
00:37:19,519 --> 00:37:22,614
SOLO: Good evening.
- Good evening, Mr. Solo.
538
00:37:22,789 --> 00:37:26,521
I ain't as good a cook as my better half
but I hope it ain't too bad.
539
00:37:26,693 --> 00:37:28,593
Oh, I'm sure
it would be a gourmet's delight.
540
00:37:28,762 --> 00:37:32,198
Uh, tell me, Mr. Solo.
You're in the publishing world.
541
00:37:32,366 --> 00:37:37,133
Have we really, honest-to-goodness got us
a best selling authoress on our hands here?
542
00:37:37,304 --> 00:37:41,571
Well, Jacqueline's book Pieces of Fate
has gone into six editions in three months.
543
00:37:41,742 --> 00:37:44,302
Now, that's 250,000 copies in hardcover.
544
00:37:44,478 --> 00:37:46,378
I would say
that we have a runaway winner.
545
00:37:46,546 --> 00:37:48,378
And I'm sure the sequel
will be even better.
546
00:37:48,548 --> 00:37:49,572
Sequel?
547
00:37:49,750 --> 00:37:51,718
SOLO: Hasn't Jacqueline told"?
Of course not.
548
00:37:51,885 --> 00:37:54,718
SOLO: How could she?
We've been so busy getting reacquainted.
549
00:37:54,888 --> 00:37:57,016
JACQUELINE: Napoleon's just being kind,
Uncle Charlie.
550
00:37:57,190 --> 00:37:58,954
You're gonna be starting it soon, Jackie?
551
00:37:59,126 --> 00:38:02,118
- Mm. As soon as I get some notes together.
- Notes?
552
00:38:02,696 --> 00:38:04,687
I've got some notebooks
filled with ideas--
553
00:38:04,865 --> 00:38:08,426
Jackie, let's not talk about it right now.
Shall we...?
554
00:38:08,602 --> 00:38:14,564
Why don't you just sit, relax, and
get a little taste of hospitality and home?
555
00:38:22,082 --> 00:38:24,517
Try to escape, young man.
556
00:38:42,302 --> 00:38:45,101
It's not supposed to be this easy.
557
00:38:54,247 --> 00:38:56,648
This is where I wrote the book.
558
00:38:57,017 --> 00:38:58,576
Is this where you kept the diaries?
559
00:39:01,021 --> 00:39:04,252
Yes, at first,
but then I put them somewhere.
560
00:39:04,424 --> 00:39:06,791
Do you, uh, remember where?
561
00:39:07,160 --> 00:39:08,218
[JACQUELINE SIGHS]
562
00:39:08,395 --> 00:39:10,261
Oh, I'm sorry, Napoleon.
563
00:39:10,430 --> 00:39:13,058
I'm really sorry.
564
00:39:13,467 --> 00:39:16,801
But everything's coming back
so quickly now, I'm sure I'll remember.
565
00:39:17,604 --> 00:39:20,301
[RADIO BEEPING]
566
00:39:23,810 --> 00:39:26,302
- Solo here.
- Uh, good evening, Napoleon.
567
00:39:26,480 --> 00:39:28,812
Did anything of consequence happen
while I was gone?
568
00:39:28,982 --> 00:39:30,245
Where have you been?
569
00:39:30,417 --> 00:39:32,579
Well, it's a long story
and an embarrassing one.
570
00:39:32,752 --> 00:39:34,948
Among the other things, I was, uh...
571
00:39:35,122 --> 00:39:37,056
...overpowered by an old man with a cane.
572
00:39:37,224 --> 00:39:39,556
- An old man?
- Yeah, with a cane.
573
00:39:40,227 --> 00:39:43,663
And when things like that happen
I wonder if I'm not in the wrong business.
574
00:39:43,830 --> 00:39:44,888
Are you all right now?
575
00:39:45,065 --> 00:39:47,659
Yes, and eager to atone
for my misadventures.
576
00:39:48,201 --> 00:39:51,603
Good, I'm at Uncle Charlie's place.
That's 312 Pine.
577
00:39:51,771 --> 00:39:53,500
I suggest that you get right over here...
578
00:39:53,673 --> 00:39:56,768
...and sneak in
and help us try to find the diaries.
579
00:39:59,279 --> 00:40:00,508
All right.
580
00:40:00,680 --> 00:40:02,944
Now there's an intelligent way
of going about this.
581
00:40:03,116 --> 00:40:05,210
There are only
so many rooms in this house.
582
00:40:05,385 --> 00:40:06,511
That means that--
583
00:40:06,686 --> 00:40:08,586
[RADIO BEEPING]
584
00:40:12,092 --> 00:40:14,151
- Did you forget something?
- I beg your pardon.
585
00:40:14,327 --> 00:40:17,297
Oh, Wanda- I'm sorry- Uh, what's new?
586
00:40:17,464 --> 00:40:19,455
Well, we ran that make on Uncle Charlie.
587
00:40:20,433 --> 00:40:23,266
- What make?
- The one you asked for.
588
00:40:23,436 --> 00:40:26,201
- I didn't ask for any make.
- Well, somebody did.
589
00:40:26,806 --> 00:40:29,070
Anyway, here it is.
590
00:40:29,576 --> 00:40:32,204
Uh, full name, Charles Coltrane.
591
00:40:32,379 --> 00:40:34,905
He was a member of Thrush for 28 years.
592
00:40:35,081 --> 00:40:36,810
Supposedly killed three years ago.
593
00:40:36,983 --> 00:40:39,850
His dossier was in the closed file.
594
00:40:40,487 --> 00:40:42,148
You're certain the make is absolute?
595
00:40:42,322 --> 00:40:45,314
We ran it through two computers.
No doubt at all.
596
00:40:46,326 --> 00:40:47,760
Thank you.
597
00:40:51,164 --> 00:40:52,632
Jackie?
598
00:40:54,868 --> 00:40:59,169
The diaries, they were your uncle's.
599
00:41:00,307 --> 00:41:02,469
He's with Thrush.
600
00:41:34,407 --> 00:41:38,640
Hi, Mr. Solo. Do you know anything about
automobile engines?
601
00:41:38,812 --> 00:41:40,780
Yeah, a little. Uh...
602
00:41:40,947 --> 00:41:42,745
You know anything about Thrush?
603
00:41:43,783 --> 00:41:44,875
Uh...
604
00:41:45,385 --> 00:41:47,319
I don't know what you're talking about.
605
00:41:47,721 --> 00:41:50,418
Forget it, Charlie. I know all about you.
606
00:41:50,590 --> 00:41:54,993
I just thought you might want to fill me in
on some of the details.
607
00:41:55,829 --> 00:41:57,354
All right.
608
00:41:58,098 --> 00:42:01,432
When I escaped from Thrush,
I came back here.
609
00:42:02,736 --> 00:42:06,070
I lived here all along, you know.
They never knew anything about it.
610
00:42:06,239 --> 00:42:08,606
- About your double life?
- That's right.
611
00:42:08,775 --> 00:42:10,436
When did they find out?
612
00:42:10,610 --> 00:42:12,408
The other day.
when they sent their people in.
613
00:42:12,579 --> 00:42:15,014
They would have killed me then, but I--
614
00:42:15,448 --> 00:42:17,883
I guess they wanted to keep
everything normal to Jacqueline.
615
00:42:18,685 --> 00:42:21,382
You do put on a pretty good show
for your niece.
616
00:42:21,554 --> 00:42:24,819
Uncle Charlie, small town bumpkin.
617
00:42:24,991 --> 00:42:28,791
So warm, lovable. Gemutlichkeit.
618
00:42:29,596 --> 00:42:31,792
I-- I had to act like that.
619
00:42:31,965 --> 00:42:34,400
They're watching me.
They've got the house bugged.
620
00:42:34,567 --> 00:42:37,628
- One wrong move on my part--
- Goodbye, Charlie.
621
00:42:37,804 --> 00:42:40,705
It's not me I'm worried about, Mr. Solo.
622
00:42:41,841 --> 00:42:43,775
It's not me at all.
623
00:42:49,316 --> 00:42:53,253
[WOMAN WHIMPERING]
624
00:43:03,863 --> 00:43:05,558
Well, who are you?
625
00:43:06,433 --> 00:43:09,562
Jessie Coltrane. Who are you, boy?
626
00:43:09,736 --> 00:43:11,966
My name is IIIya Kuryakin.
I'm a friend of Jacqueline.
627
00:43:12,138 --> 00:43:15,301
Well, it's about time
you legged it in here, boy.
628
00:43:16,109 --> 00:43:20,046
I've been trussed up
in this basement for days.
629
00:43:20,213 --> 00:43:21,681
Who put you down here?
630
00:43:22,282 --> 00:43:24,910
That man, that woman.
631
00:43:25,085 --> 00:43:26,109
What man?
632
00:43:26,286 --> 00:43:28,755
The man with the hand.
633
00:43:31,091 --> 00:43:32,456
We better get upstairs, as quick--
634
00:43:32,625 --> 00:43:33,615
[THUD UPSTAIRS]
635
00:43:33,793 --> 00:43:35,022
Shh.
636
00:43:35,195 --> 00:43:37,289
[WHISPERS]
Don't make a noise.
637
00:44:29,182 --> 00:44:30,274
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
638
00:44:30,450 --> 00:44:32,544
SOLO: Come in.
- Napoleon, it's me.
639
00:44:32,719 --> 00:44:35,586
Napoleon, I remember everything.
I remember where I left the diaries.
640
00:44:35,755 --> 00:44:37,780
Shh, shh, shh.
641
00:44:38,124 --> 00:44:40,616
[WHISPERING]
They're in the attic, at least they were.
642
00:44:40,794 --> 00:44:42,660
All right, let's go.
643
00:45:16,162 --> 00:45:18,290
Where were you when I needed you?
644
00:45:18,465 --> 00:45:20,991
Come on, we have to get upstairs.
645
00:45:43,490 --> 00:45:45,083
[JACQUELINE SHRIEKS]
646
00:45:46,993 --> 00:45:49,860
Well, to coin a phrase, Mr. Zark,
“We meet again.“
647
00:45:50,029 --> 00:45:52,157
It's been too long, Mr. Solo.
648
00:45:52,332 --> 00:45:56,963
- Not since that affair in Tannu-Tuva, huh?
- Right.
649
00:45:57,136 --> 00:45:58,228
Stop it, Mr. Solo.
650
00:45:58,404 --> 00:46:01,339
Desist this very instant.
651
00:46:02,141 --> 00:46:06,772
You've, uh--
You've met Mr. Buck, I assume.
652
00:46:09,482 --> 00:46:12,315
Well, Mr. Solo, I'm afraid you're checked.
653
00:46:13,119 --> 00:46:15,349
He's unchecked now, Mr. Zark.
654
00:46:15,622 --> 00:46:16,987
[SIGHS]
655
00:46:17,156 --> 00:46:20,421
- Aunt Jessie.
- Oh, Jacqueline, my child.
656
00:46:20,593 --> 00:46:24,530
Thank heaven you're all right.
657
00:46:24,964 --> 00:46:27,456
It's about time you got here,
what took you so long?
658
00:46:28,601 --> 00:46:31,536
One of these days,
I'm going to leave you on your own.
659
00:46:31,704 --> 00:46:33,468
Just to see how you manage.
660
00:46:33,640 --> 00:46:36,132
Well, into each life, a little rain must fall.
661
00:46:38,878 --> 00:46:40,403
Yes, Mr. Solo.
662
00:46:40,580 --> 00:46:43,481
But are you prepared for a deluge?
663
00:46:43,650 --> 00:46:45,209
MAN:
I'm sorry, Miss Merle.
664
00:46:45,385 --> 00:46:48,616
I've always enjoyed your book reviews.
665
00:46:49,556 --> 00:46:51,217
[MERLE GRUNTS]
666
00:46:57,764 --> 00:47:01,394
We're very grateful, sir.
But, uh, what are you doing here?
667
00:47:01,568 --> 00:47:05,061
I gave myself a special assignment,
Mr. Solo.
668
00:47:05,238 --> 00:47:09,300
I couldn't run the risk of another mistake,
like losing Miss Midcult the first time.
669
00:47:09,475 --> 00:47:12,376
But how did you get into
our infiltration group?
670
00:47:13,680 --> 00:47:17,207
I, uh, infiltrated.
671
00:47:18,751 --> 00:47:20,185
Where are the diaries?
672
00:47:20,353 --> 00:47:21,343
JESSICA:
Diaries?
673
00:47:21,521 --> 00:47:23,888
Yes, Aunt Jessie,
the diaries Uncle Charlie wrote.
674
00:47:24,057 --> 00:47:25,991
- There were 10 of them.
- That filth?
675
00:47:26,159 --> 00:47:30,027
Hound them up here.
Weren't fit to be in a decent home.
676
00:47:30,196 --> 00:47:31,493
ALL [IN UNISON]:
Where are they?
677
00:47:31,664 --> 00:47:33,564
I burned them.
678
00:47:38,938 --> 00:47:40,337
[GROANS]
679
00:47:45,445 --> 00:47:47,846
Aunt Jessie says
she's forgiven him for everything.
680
00:47:48,014 --> 00:47:49,004
Oh, yes, thank you.
681
00:47:49,182 --> 00:47:52,049
And they really like living in Florida.
682
00:47:52,352 --> 00:47:55,049
Well, uh, in view of Thrush's
continuing interest in Charlie...
683
00:47:55,221 --> 00:47:57,315
...I trust they're living
under assumed names.
684
00:47:57,490 --> 00:48:01,791
Oh, yes. They won't even allow me
to tell you what they are.
685
00:48:02,095 --> 00:48:05,963
I hate to interrupt this happy scene,
but I wish to register a complaint.
686
00:48:06,132 --> 00:48:09,966
Was it necessary for you
to hit me quite so hard with your cane?
687
00:48:10,637 --> 00:48:13,629
Oh, yes. I'm sorry about that,
Mr. Kuryakin.
688
00:48:13,806 --> 00:48:18,471
But, uh, well, I did have to gain
their confidence, didn't I?
689
00:48:18,645 --> 00:48:20,545
Of course, but I still have the lump.
690
00:48:20,713 --> 00:48:24,513
And on balance,
I think things have turned out very well.
691
00:48:25,018 --> 00:48:27,282
With our new method
of atomic adhesion...
692
00:48:27,453 --> 00:48:30,912
...we can restore the ashes of the diaries.
693
00:48:31,090 --> 00:48:33,491
May take us a couple of months in all
but we can do it.
694
00:48:33,660 --> 00:48:35,924
Word has already gotten out
on that, sir, and Thrush...
695
00:48:36,095 --> 00:48:39,463
...has cancelled all operations
referred to in the book.
696
00:48:39,632 --> 00:48:41,259
Oh, speaking of books, Miss Midcult.
697
00:48:43,503 --> 00:48:48,805
I hope your experiences of the last few days
haven't dampened your literary zeal.
698
00:48:48,975 --> 00:48:51,603
Oh, no.
I've already started a new book.
699
00:48:51,778 --> 00:48:53,177
It's gonna be another bestseller.
700
00:48:53,946 --> 00:48:55,937
- Is it?
- Uh-huh.
701
00:48:56,115 --> 00:48:59,745
It's about a schoolteacher
who finds a set of diaries.
702
00:48:59,919 --> 00:49:04,220
And she gets mixed up
with a couple of secret agents.
703
00:49:04,390 --> 00:49:07,189
And she gets amnesia.
704
00:49:07,360 --> 00:49:10,728
And they take her to...
705
00:50:01,247 --> 00:50:03,238
[ENGLISH SDH]56618
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