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1
00:00:11,033 --> 00:00:12,914
- So what's this called?
- Let me guess...
2
00:00:12,939 --> 00:00:14,649
Burnt figgy pudding left in the oven.
3
00:00:14,674 --> 00:00:16,997
1970s Christmas-era
lights short-circuited
4
00:00:17,022 --> 00:00:19,381
and burst into flames.
Call 'em Ho-Ho-Homewreckers.
5
00:00:19,406 --> 00:00:21,873
Guy tries to climb down the chimney,
gets stuck.
6
00:00:21,909 --> 00:00:23,376
I bet that's the most common one.
7
00:00:23,401 --> 00:00:25,302
It's a classic.
8
00:00:25,327 --> 00:00:27,042
Take it out of your mouth! Take it out!
9
00:00:27,067 --> 00:00:28,686
- Whoa.
- Be cool!
10
00:00:28,711 --> 00:00:30,037
Hey, how's...
11
00:00:30,507 --> 00:00:32,094
- Season's greetings.
- How are ya?
12
00:00:32,119 --> 00:00:33,891
- Everything okay?
- Did you call the fire d...
13
00:00:33,915 --> 00:00:35,860
- I called, I called, yeah.
- Mrs. Santa called.
14
00:00:35,885 --> 00:00:37,763
- Is there's an emergency?
- There's an emergency.
15
00:00:37,787 --> 00:00:39,476
- What happened?
- Yuletide stuff... you know.
16
00:00:39,500 --> 00:00:40,675
- Yuletide?
- You know, celebrating
17
00:00:40,699 --> 00:00:42,811
- the season.
- You want us to come in, sir?
18
00:00:42,836 --> 00:00:44,394
Please come in.
Welcome to Santa's workshop.
19
00:00:44,418 --> 00:00:46,022
All righty. What do we got here?
20
00:00:46,047 --> 00:00:47,534
Having a little party, huh?
21
00:00:47,559 --> 00:00:49,524
Welcome to our humble
Christmas cottage...
22
00:00:49,549 --> 00:00:51,947
- The land of magic and dreams.
- Got an emergency call.
23
00:00:51,972 --> 00:00:53,920
- What's the problem?
- That would be about Norman.
24
00:00:53,944 --> 00:00:55,877
- Is that Norman?
- No, that's J.P.
25
00:00:55,902 --> 00:00:58,725
- He's just chillaxin'.
- Then... where's Norman?
26
00:00:58,750 --> 00:01:02,118
Ho ho! Wasted!
27
00:01:05,352 --> 00:01:08,097
He had too much fondue. We think he...
28
00:01:08,122 --> 00:01:09,254
O.D.ed.
29
00:01:09,279 --> 00:01:11,691
- What was in the fondue?
- Oh, Swiss cheese,
30
00:01:11,716 --> 00:01:13,470
white wine, garlic,
31
00:01:13,495 --> 00:01:16,371
uh... 25 hits of ecstasy.
32
00:01:16,396 --> 00:01:19,531
That is a molly jolly
Christmas right there!
33
00:01:20,169 --> 00:01:21,733
Let me catch... Norman.
34
00:01:21,769 --> 00:01:23,061
Thanks, Granny.
35
00:01:24,140 --> 00:01:26,615
Hey, man, come here. Come here!
36
00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:27,868
What kinda party is this?
37
00:01:27,893 --> 00:01:30,719
It's a Santa-themed swinger's party.
38
00:01:31,443 --> 00:01:32,633
This is a Christmas orgy?
39
00:01:32,658 --> 00:01:35,057
We drink eggnog and have sex.
40
00:01:35,082 --> 00:01:36,527
Okay.
41
00:01:36,552 --> 00:01:38,076
Do you like my wreath? My mom made it.
42
00:01:38,101 --> 00:01:39,936
You know what? Norman's fine.
43
00:01:39,961 --> 00:01:42,756
You know, just, uh,
make sure he's not dehydrated
44
00:01:42,781 --> 00:01:44,392
and no more fondue!
45
00:01:44,417 --> 00:01:47,552
Well, you're all welcome to
stick around for a while.
46
00:01:47,577 --> 00:01:49,972
Why don't we mingle our ho-ho-hos
47
00:01:49,997 --> 00:01:51,765
with your hose, hose, hose?
48
00:01:51,790 --> 00:01:54,308
No, no, no. Dash away, all!
49
00:01:54,333 --> 00:01:55,904
Everybody's welcome, you guys.
50
00:01:55,929 --> 00:01:57,609
I'll stuff your stockings!
51
00:01:57,837 --> 00:01:59,846
I think you came on a little too strong.
52
00:02:15,696 --> 00:02:19,450
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com
53
00:02:21,112 --> 00:02:22,694
Hey!
54
00:02:23,841 --> 00:02:25,801
♪ Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
55
00:02:25,826 --> 00:02:27,476
♪ Jingle all the balls ♪
56
00:02:27,501 --> 00:02:30,380
Ho ho ho, huh?
Another year and it still fits.
57
00:02:30,405 --> 00:02:32,032
It's a Christmas miracle!
58
00:02:32,683 --> 00:02:34,677
- Merry Christmas, everybody.
- Merry Christmas!
59
00:02:34,702 --> 00:02:36,615
Ho ho ho ho!
60
00:02:38,849 --> 00:02:40,269
- Oh... whoa!
- Hey!
61
00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:41,643
God's sakes, will you people
62
00:02:41,668 --> 00:02:43,733
give this Christmas bullshit a rest?
63
00:02:43,758 --> 00:02:45,758
I'm trying to do your
year-end evaluations,
64
00:02:45,783 --> 00:02:47,883
and I can't hear myself think!
65
00:02:47,908 --> 00:02:51,076
- Okay.
- Ho ho ho, boy, huh?
66
00:02:51,101 --> 00:02:52,575
Who pissed in his Cheerios?
67
00:02:54,282 --> 00:02:55,371
Noice!
68
00:02:55,396 --> 00:02:57,660
I'm in favor of the music,
guys, just so you know.
69
00:02:57,685 --> 00:02:59,843
Hey, Chief, you ever consider
giving him this week off?
70
00:02:59,867 --> 00:03:01,992
He's always a wet
blanket on the holidays.
71
00:03:02,017 --> 00:03:03,384
Yeah. He's always in a bad mood,
72
00:03:03,409 --> 00:03:05,414
and it's always when he
does our year-end reviews.
73
00:03:05,439 --> 00:03:08,061
Every December,
we get Scrooged on the write-up.
74
00:03:08,086 --> 00:03:10,220
We gotta do something about it.
75
00:03:12,945 --> 00:03:14,813
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
76
00:03:14,848 --> 00:03:16,414
♪ Bubba-dubba-doo buh-doo-boo-boo ♪
77
00:03:16,450 --> 00:03:18,250
♪ Leigh Weigh sings
the Christmas tunes ♪
78
00:03:18,285 --> 00:03:20,129
♪ Zubba-dubba-dah bah-doo-buh-boo ♪
79
00:03:20,684 --> 00:03:21,987
Eddie! Hey, Eddie, come here.
80
00:03:22,298 --> 00:03:23,298
You get a present yet
81
00:03:23,323 --> 00:03:24,656
- for the Yankee Swap?
- Yeah.
82
00:03:24,692 --> 00:03:26,992
I found a half-empty
bottle of dandruff shampoo
83
00:03:27,017 --> 00:03:28,933
in my locker... I'm gonna
pop an ugly green bow on it.
84
00:03:28,957 --> 00:03:30,189
Okay. Well, you know what?
85
00:03:30,214 --> 00:03:31,692
I'm gonna at lunchtime and get a gift.
86
00:03:31,716 --> 00:03:32,801
I can get two and say one's from you.
87
00:03:32,825 --> 00:03:34,923
Oh, cool... you can wrap
mine and hand it out for me too.
88
00:03:34,947 --> 00:03:37,624
Ha ha. You don't hand out
a gift at the Yankee Swap.
89
00:03:37,649 --> 00:03:39,949
Each person picks a number,
then they pick a gift.
90
00:03:39,974 --> 00:03:41,913
So let's say I go first
and you go second.
91
00:03:41,938 --> 00:03:44,216
I open my gift, then you open yours.
92
00:03:44,241 --> 00:03:46,809
You have the option of
deciding to keep your gift
93
00:03:46,834 --> 00:03:48,557
or stealing mine, but look out...
94
00:03:48,582 --> 00:03:50,694
Anyone who hasn't picked
behind us can pick a gift
95
00:03:50,719 --> 00:03:51,736
of the person in front of them.
96
00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:54,562
So interestingly,
the last pick is often the best pick,
97
00:03:54,587 --> 00:03:56,165
and the first pick is the worst pick.
98
00:03:56,190 --> 00:03:57,618
Are you listening to me?
99
00:03:58,358 --> 00:04:00,125
You're especially humbuggy this year.
100
00:04:00,150 --> 00:04:02,244
- What's wrong?
- Look at these Christmas cards
101
00:04:02,269 --> 00:04:03,868
from my ex-girlfriends.
102
00:04:04,575 --> 00:04:06,476
Look how happy they are
with their happy husbands
103
00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:08,631
- and their happy kids.
- Oh, yeah, Carla,
104
00:04:08,656 --> 00:04:10,554
the comptroller's office... I like her.
105
00:04:10,579 --> 00:04:12,437
Oh... Jasmine. She was too good for you.
106
00:04:12,462 --> 00:04:13,749
I don't know why you're
getting so worked up.
107
00:04:13,773 --> 00:04:14,995
Half these kids aren't even yours.
108
00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:18,300
That's very funny, Terry.
109
00:04:18,325 --> 00:04:20,817
The fact is, all these women
asked me to marry them,
110
00:04:20,842 --> 00:04:21,965
but I turned them all down.
111
00:04:21,990 --> 00:04:23,196
- Yeah, sure you did.
- I did.
112
00:04:23,221 --> 00:04:25,151
And every year on Christmas,
they send me these cards
113
00:04:25,175 --> 00:04:26,755
to remind me of what I don't have.
114
00:04:26,780 --> 00:04:29,408
You know what? You have
a bad case of the holiday blues.
115
00:04:29,433 --> 00:04:31,856
Maybe I do have
the holiday blues, Terry.
116
00:04:32,460 --> 00:04:35,923
Or maybe it's that the more
obnoxiously jolly you become,
117
00:04:35,948 --> 00:04:37,881
the more obnoxiously crusty I have to be
118
00:04:37,906 --> 00:04:39,426
to create balance in the universe.
119
00:04:39,950 --> 00:04:42,111
- Like Batman and the Joker.
- Exactly.
120
00:04:42,136 --> 00:04:43,779
- Wait... which one am I?
- The Joker, of course.
121
00:04:43,803 --> 00:04:45,695
- But he's the jolly one.
- No, he's the bad guy...
122
00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:46,909
- Like you.
- You think Batman
123
00:04:46,934 --> 00:04:48,094
is jollier than the Joker?
124
00:04:48,119 --> 00:04:49,630
When's the last time
you saw Batman smile?
125
00:04:49,654 --> 00:04:51,567
I don't hang out with Batman,
so I can't tell you.
126
00:04:51,591 --> 00:04:53,657
Maybe it was at The
Super Friends Yankee Swap
127
00:04:53,682 --> 00:04:55,849
because he had the last pick!
128
00:04:55,874 --> 00:04:58,627
Okay, great. Go do your evaluations,
129
00:04:58,652 --> 00:05:01,073
- and go easy on my crew.
- They're my crew too.
130
00:05:01,098 --> 00:05:03,132
- Merry Christmas, Eddie!
- Eh!
131
00:05:05,325 --> 00:05:08,015
♪ O, holy night ♪
132
00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:11,606
♪ Leigh Weigh has a great voice ♪
133
00:05:11,631 --> 00:05:13,408
- Oh!
- Look at all this stuff.
134
00:05:13,433 --> 00:05:14,766
The kids're gonna go nuts!
135
00:05:14,791 --> 00:05:16,657
And we might just beat
our Toy Drive record.
136
00:05:16,682 --> 00:05:17,955
Whoa! Let me see that.
137
00:05:17,980 --> 00:05:19,713
Oh, I forgot. Andy likes dolls.
138
00:05:19,738 --> 00:05:21,817
No! I mean, yes, but...
139
00:05:21,842 --> 00:05:23,510
- look at this one.
- "Public defender Darla."
140
00:05:23,534 --> 00:05:24,963
- So what?
- Look closer.
141
00:05:24,988 --> 00:05:27,021
It's supposed to say
Public Defender Darla,
142
00:05:27,046 --> 00:05:29,358
but thanks to a disgruntled
print shop employee,
143
00:05:29,383 --> 00:05:30,985
a handful of these babies made it out
144
00:05:31,010 --> 00:05:32,415
with the box misspelled.
145
00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:35,140
Oh, pubic defender Darla!
146
00:05:35,165 --> 00:05:37,095
Ha ha ha! That's awesome!
147
00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:39,453
It also makes her tag
line especially naughty.
148
00:05:39,478 --> 00:05:41,202
Oh, dude... "She'll get you off!"
149
00:05:41,572 --> 00:05:43,338
Whoever dropped that off had no idea
150
00:05:43,363 --> 00:05:45,241
- how valuable it was.
- Why, how valuable is it?
151
00:05:45,265 --> 00:05:47,492
We're talking this valuable, baby.
152
00:05:47,517 --> 00:05:49,167
$15,000?
153
00:05:49,203 --> 00:05:50,568
- Wait... what?
- 15 grand?
154
00:05:50,604 --> 00:05:52,244
- We're selling it, right?
- No, you guys.
155
00:05:52,269 --> 00:05:53,968
It's not ours to sell. Someone gave this
156
00:05:53,993 --> 00:05:55,636
as a donation for a child.
157
00:05:55,661 --> 00:05:57,037
Are you kidding me? We're gonna give it
158
00:05:57,061 --> 00:05:59,461
to some drooling kid so he
can give it a dumb haircut?
159
00:05:59,486 --> 00:06:02,257
Hey, we can just take that
money and replace that one.
160
00:06:02,282 --> 00:06:03,715
- Ooh!
- That is not happening.
161
00:06:03,751 --> 00:06:05,766
How 'bout this...
We put it with the other toys.
162
00:06:05,791 --> 00:06:07,662
If no kid picks it up, then we sell it,
163
00:06:07,687 --> 00:06:10,406
and the proceeds go towards
upgrading the station.
164
00:06:10,431 --> 00:06:12,137
Like with a Christmas party.
165
00:06:12,162 --> 00:06:14,489
- Hey, sounds good!
- I don't know, guys.
166
00:06:14,514 --> 00:06:16,446
- I'll take that, Luce.
- Give me the doll, Andy!
167
00:06:16,471 --> 00:06:17,874
- We'll sell it!
- It's worth 15 grand!
168
00:06:17,898 --> 00:06:18,994
Give it back!
169
00:06:19,019 --> 00:06:20,831
- It's for the...
- Give me the doll!
170
00:06:20,856 --> 00:06:22,911
Just look at yourselves.
171
00:06:23,154 --> 00:06:25,914
You are everything that's
wrong with Christmas.
172
00:06:25,939 --> 00:06:27,839
Fighting over a doll.
173
00:06:27,995 --> 00:06:29,507
Who's not even that hot.
174
00:06:29,543 --> 00:06:32,310
I'll remember this when I
fill out your evaluations.
175
00:06:32,346 --> 00:06:34,146
Hope you all enjoy getting lumps of coal
176
00:06:34,181 --> 00:06:35,782
in your stockings.
177
00:06:36,984 --> 00:06:38,950
Whew! Tell you what,
178
00:06:38,975 --> 00:06:41,002
if we don't inject some
comfort and joy into Cap,
179
00:06:41,027 --> 00:06:43,227
we're all gonna take it
up the chimney this year.
180
00:06:43,252 --> 00:06:45,100
We need a Christmas miracle.
181
00:06:45,125 --> 00:06:46,746
You said it.
182
00:06:48,095 --> 00:06:50,139
Things were lookin' mighty grim
183
00:06:50,164 --> 00:06:51,894
for our firefighters.
184
00:06:51,919 --> 00:06:52,936
They needed to lift
185
00:06:52,961 --> 00:06:56,745
Captain Penisi's holiday spirits...
and fast.
186
00:06:56,770 --> 00:06:59,259
And what about that valuable doll?
187
00:06:59,284 --> 00:07:02,885
I mean, shit,
talk about an ethnical conundrum.
188
00:07:02,910 --> 00:07:07,312
Ha. I don't envy Andy,
Lucy, Ike, or Granny.
189
00:07:07,337 --> 00:07:10,239
I wonder how it'll all work out.
190
00:07:15,055 --> 00:07:18,922
You know, guys, $15,000 split three ways
191
00:07:18,947 --> 00:07:21,035
is a lotta money!
192
00:07:21,060 --> 00:07:23,419
It's like 4 grand a guy.
193
00:07:23,444 --> 00:07:25,607
No, it's exactly $5,000.
194
00:07:25,632 --> 00:07:27,647
- Whatever.
- Can you not do math?
195
00:07:27,672 --> 00:07:28,791
Yes, I can do math.
196
00:07:28,816 --> 00:07:30,540
I just can't do math and
wink at the same time.
197
00:07:30,564 --> 00:07:32,097
- What are you winkin' for?
- Just sayin'...
198
00:07:32,121 --> 00:07:34,002
It's a lotta money,
boys, it's almost like
199
00:07:34,027 --> 00:07:35,360
between 4 and 5 grand apiece.
200
00:07:35,385 --> 00:07:38,332
- It's not between that.
- It's $5,000 exactly.
201
00:07:38,357 --> 00:07:40,355
Spilt three ways, evenly.
202
00:07:40,380 --> 00:07:42,813
We'll figure out the
exact numbers later.
203
00:07:42,838 --> 00:07:44,426
- Guys.
- Hey!
204
00:07:44,451 --> 00:07:45,824
What are we gonna do about Cap?
205
00:07:45,849 --> 00:07:47,228
How do you inject the Christmas spirit
206
00:07:47,252 --> 00:07:48,885
into someone who hates Christmas?
207
00:07:48,910 --> 00:07:51,322
We need to remind him what
Christmas is really all about.
208
00:07:51,347 --> 00:07:52,596
Hey, how we lookin'? Are we gonna break
209
00:07:52,620 --> 00:07:54,113
- the Toy Drive record this year?
- I bet we get
210
00:07:54,137 --> 00:07:56,137
- 300 families this year.
- That's why we do it.
211
00:07:56,162 --> 00:07:57,641
Spreading the Christmas spirit, right?
212
00:07:57,665 --> 00:07:59,283
- Yeah!
- Speaking of which,
213
00:07:59,308 --> 00:08:00,774
we got a family coming over here.
214
00:08:01,021 --> 00:08:02,366
Their Christmas tree caught on fire.
215
00:08:02,390 --> 00:08:04,123
- Burnt down half their house.
- Oh...
216
00:08:04,148 --> 00:08:05,727
Burnt up all the presents for their kid.
217
00:08:05,751 --> 00:08:07,683
So we're gonna let the
little fellow come over here
218
00:08:07,707 --> 00:08:08,874
and pick out some toys.
219
00:08:09,090 --> 00:08:10,257
It's gonna be a beautiful moment.
220
00:08:10,281 --> 00:08:11,916
That sounds really Christmassy.
221
00:08:11,941 --> 00:08:13,639
Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?
222
00:08:13,664 --> 00:08:15,014
I think... so?
223
00:08:15,792 --> 00:08:18,794
- Oh, shh, here he is.
- Okay. What do you want?
224
00:08:18,819 --> 00:08:20,018
We know you're busy,
225
00:08:20,054 --> 00:08:21,553
but we wanted you to witness
226
00:08:21,578 --> 00:08:24,700
this beautiful display
of Yuletide generosity.
227
00:08:24,725 --> 00:08:26,686
And goodwill to the less fortunate.
228
00:08:26,711 --> 00:08:28,735
And tidings of great joy.
229
00:08:28,795 --> 00:08:30,629
And tidings...
230
00:08:32,863 --> 00:08:35,063
Shepherds flocked to...
231
00:08:35,273 --> 00:08:36,638
Okay.
232
00:08:36,663 --> 00:08:38,413
- Here we go, guys.
- Ooh!
233
00:08:38,823 --> 00:08:40,654
Oh, for the less fortunate, you said.
234
00:08:40,679 --> 00:08:42,178
Maybe it's a rental.
235
00:08:42,983 --> 00:08:44,816
Oh, boy. The kid from the well.
236
00:08:44,841 --> 00:08:47,050
- It's Hunter.
- What's up, losers?
237
00:08:47,075 --> 00:08:48,974
No such things as Santa, tubby.
238
00:08:51,130 --> 00:08:53,279
- Sorry about the fire.
- Oh, thank you.
239
00:08:53,304 --> 00:08:55,137
You know, it's been so hard on Hunter
240
00:08:55,162 --> 00:08:57,362
commuting to the lake
house these last few days.
241
00:08:57,387 --> 00:08:58,754
Lake house.
242
00:08:59,059 --> 00:09:00,370
Do they know how the fire started?
243
00:09:00,394 --> 00:09:01,565
Oh, it was Hunter.
244
00:09:01,590 --> 00:09:03,806
Yeah, he put an M-80
in a decorative angel.
245
00:09:03,831 --> 00:09:05,731
Whew! Kids!
246
00:09:06,338 --> 00:09:07,588
- It's gonna get hard.
- Yeah.
247
00:09:07,613 --> 00:09:08,676
'Sup, troll doll?
248
00:09:08,701 --> 00:09:09,709
You wanna fight?
249
00:09:09,734 --> 00:09:11,552
I... don't wanna fight a child.
250
00:09:11,577 --> 00:09:13,189
- These toys suck.
- Well, I didn't make 'em.
251
00:09:13,213 --> 00:09:14,625
I guess I could wrap this in tinfoil
252
00:09:14,649 --> 00:09:16,286
- and throw it in the microwave.
- No, no, no, no.
253
00:09:16,310 --> 00:09:17,320
Look how stupid it is.
254
00:09:17,345 --> 00:09:18,704
It's worthless on
the collectible circuit.
255
00:09:18,728 --> 00:09:20,634
Don't crush the box!
Please don't crush the box!
256
00:09:20,659 --> 00:09:22,532
Hey, this baby cries,
so you could take it
257
00:09:22,557 --> 00:09:25,503
and you could set it on fire or
throw it off a roof or eat it.
258
00:09:25,528 --> 00:09:26,599
Whatevs.
259
00:09:26,624 --> 00:09:28,063
I'm out. Peace!
260
00:09:28,363 --> 00:09:30,422
Come on, Mom! I'm hungry!
261
00:09:30,447 --> 00:09:31,600
Now!
262
00:09:31,625 --> 00:09:32,657
Okay, honey!
263
00:09:32,682 --> 00:09:34,248
Thank you for your generosity!
264
00:09:34,273 --> 00:09:35,473
- Hey.
- You're welcome, ma'am.
265
00:09:35,498 --> 00:09:37,539
Wow, you guys, that was beautiful.
266
00:09:37,674 --> 00:09:39,629
Warms the cockles of my heart.
267
00:09:39,852 --> 00:09:41,510
Don't bother me again.
268
00:09:46,981 --> 00:09:49,551
Knock, knock. Hey, I need your finger.
269
00:09:49,576 --> 00:09:50,821
Why, you gonna try and make me fart?
270
00:09:50,845 --> 00:09:52,454
Ha ha, good one. Come on, let's go.
271
00:09:52,479 --> 00:09:54,236
Oh, I see. I have to stop what I'm doing
272
00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:56,726
to help you wrap a gag gift
for your dumb Yankee Swap?
273
00:09:56,751 --> 00:09:58,789
It's not a gag gift.
It's an awesome gift.
274
00:09:58,814 --> 00:10:00,134
And don't ask me to tell you what it is,
275
00:10:00,158 --> 00:10:01,690
'cause I'm not gonna do it.
276
00:10:02,198 --> 00:10:03,230
It's a bidet.
277
00:10:03,255 --> 00:10:05,113
- It shoots water up your butt?
- Yeah.
278
00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:06,891
It's a Sunny Tunnel Bidet.
279
00:10:06,916 --> 00:10:09,227
Vicky got me one last month...
Changed my life.
280
00:10:09,263 --> 00:10:10,699
There is nothing more soothing
281
00:10:10,724 --> 00:10:12,811
that shooting warm
water up your hoo-hoo.
282
00:10:12,836 --> 00:10:15,210
And my toilet paper
bills? Never been lower.
283
00:10:15,235 --> 00:10:16,468
This baby pays for itself.
284
00:10:16,493 --> 00:10:18,183
What are you,
in the pocket of Big Bidet?
285
00:10:18,208 --> 00:10:19,811
I started out at 85 degrees
286
00:10:19,836 --> 00:10:22,243
and then I lowered it
to a nice 82 degrees.
287
00:10:22,268 --> 00:10:23,885
Mmm. That's the sweet spot.
288
00:10:23,910 --> 00:10:26,244
That's absurd...
the human rectum cannot differentiate
289
00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:28,193
between 85 and 82 degrees.
290
00:10:28,218 --> 00:10:29,530
My rectum can tell the different.
291
00:10:29,554 --> 00:10:30,559
No, it can't!
292
00:10:30,584 --> 00:10:32,494
Assholes don't have feelings.
293
00:10:32,519 --> 00:10:33,857
Get out of my office.
294
00:10:33,882 --> 00:10:36,074
Merry Christmas, Edward Penisi.
295
00:10:36,099 --> 00:10:38,866
There's glitter everywhere
from your Goddamn ribbon!
296
00:10:40,427 --> 00:10:42,812
We have to find a way to help Cap.
297
00:10:43,022 --> 00:10:44,647
Hey, how 'bout this?
298
00:10:44,672 --> 00:10:46,428
20 years ago at Christmas,
299
00:10:46,453 --> 00:10:49,048
Cap delivered a baby when a
woman was stuck in traffic.
300
00:10:49,073 --> 00:10:52,122
What if we found that kid,
brought him to the station,
301
00:10:52,147 --> 00:10:54,992
then we have a heartwarming
Christmas reunion.
302
00:10:55,017 --> 00:10:56,618
That's a really good idea.
303
00:10:56,643 --> 00:10:57,668
I bet you anything
304
00:10:57,693 --> 00:10:59,631
Granny's trying to cut
Lucy in on a two-way deal
305
00:10:59,656 --> 00:11:01,891
- to get that Darla doll.
- You're being paranoid, man.
306
00:11:01,916 --> 00:11:04,149
- That's not what they're...
- Wait a sec.
307
00:11:04,184 --> 00:11:05,693
Are you teaming up with them?
308
00:11:05,718 --> 00:11:07,276
Are you trying to cut
me outta the score?
309
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:09,145
- You need to calm down.
- No, you need to calm down.
310
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:10,938
You're jumpier than a Pepper
Jack's whore right now.
311
00:11:10,962 --> 00:11:12,601
- You need to reel it in!
- Hey, guys.
312
00:11:12,626 --> 00:11:14,241
- Granny has a great idea.
- Does it involve
313
00:11:14,265 --> 00:11:15,370
waiting until I fall asleep
314
00:11:15,395 --> 00:11:16,784
and then smothering me with a pillow
315
00:11:16,808 --> 00:11:18,840
- to take that Darla doll?
- Damn it, Andy, no!
316
00:11:18,865 --> 00:11:20,605
Granny thinks that if
we can find the baby
317
00:11:20,630 --> 00:11:21,996
that Cap delivered 20 years ago,
318
00:11:22,021 --> 00:11:23,744
it might just warm his icy little heart.
319
00:11:23,769 --> 00:11:26,468
- That's a great idea!
- It was a good idea.
320
00:11:26,493 --> 00:11:27,749
Turns out the kid got nailed
321
00:11:27,774 --> 00:11:29,441
on various narcotic charges
322
00:11:29,466 --> 00:11:31,950
and then fled to Sweden
to join a doomsday cult.
323
00:11:31,975 --> 00:11:34,884
Look at that... in Sweden
they call it a "duumsdoy kolt."
324
00:11:34,909 --> 00:11:36,394
Cap wouldn't know
what the kid looked like
325
00:11:36,418 --> 00:11:38,340
20 years from now...
We could just get any dude
326
00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:39,996
to come in here and
pretend to be that baby.
327
00:11:40,020 --> 00:11:42,454
Lucy McConky. That's a good idea.
328
00:11:42,479 --> 00:11:44,734
Lucy McConky's biggest fault
329
00:11:44,759 --> 00:11:47,817
is her refusal to show proper respect
330
00:11:47,842 --> 00:11:49,992
when addressing her captain.
331
00:11:50,017 --> 00:11:52,364
Uncle Eddie! Get your ass down here.
332
00:11:52,389 --> 00:11:54,224
It's a Christmas miracle!
333
00:12:01,876 --> 00:12:04,068
- Here he is.
- Who? Who he?
334
00:12:04,093 --> 00:12:06,373
Him! He who you delivered as a baby
335
00:12:06,398 --> 00:12:08,058
when his mom was stuck
in traffic, remember?
336
00:12:08,082 --> 00:12:10,496
Captain Penisi, great to see you again.
337
00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:11,650
Mark Budmartin.
338
00:12:11,675 --> 00:12:14,310
You're the... little Budmartin baby?
339
00:12:20,334 --> 00:12:22,239
Well, look at you. You're all grown up!
340
00:12:22,264 --> 00:12:23,463
My God!
341
00:12:23,488 --> 00:12:25,274
- What are you doin' here?
- Well,
342
00:12:25,299 --> 00:12:27,432
sometimes I... get into a real bad funk
343
00:12:27,468 --> 00:12:29,397
- during the holidays.
- I do too.
344
00:12:29,422 --> 00:12:31,319
This morning, I found myself
345
00:12:31,344 --> 00:12:33,442
standing on the edge of
the Tacoma Narrows Bridge
346
00:12:33,467 --> 00:12:35,774
looking down, thinking about cashing in.
347
00:12:35,810 --> 00:12:37,419
- Oh...
- But then I thought,
348
00:12:37,444 --> 00:12:39,526
"Firefighter Penisi risked his life
349
00:12:39,551 --> 00:12:42,534
"in the middle of traffic
to bring me into this world.
350
00:12:42,559 --> 00:12:43,563
I can't let him down!"
351
00:12:43,588 --> 00:12:45,227
So I got off that bridge,
352
00:12:45,252 --> 00:12:46,272
and the first thing I did
353
00:12:46,297 --> 00:12:47,885
was buy a scratch-off lottery ticket,
354
00:12:47,910 --> 00:12:49,375
- and guess what.
- What?
355
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:51,833
I won $100,000,
356
00:12:51,858 --> 00:12:54,098
which I'm going to use
to go to astronaut school
357
00:12:54,123 --> 00:12:55,931
and be the first man on Mars!
358
00:12:55,956 --> 00:12:57,791
- Oh!
- I wrote that part.
359
00:12:57,816 --> 00:12:58,857
Yeah, no shit.
360
00:12:58,882 --> 00:13:00,848
Seeing you here today
361
00:13:00,873 --> 00:13:03,073
makes me truly believe
362
00:13:03,098 --> 00:13:06,166
that you made a huge mistake.
363
00:13:06,847 --> 00:13:09,169
A... what's that now?
364
00:13:09,194 --> 00:13:12,903
Yeah. You really should have jumped.
365
00:13:13,432 --> 00:13:14,556
Wha...
366
00:13:14,581 --> 00:13:17,483
Get lost... loser.
367
00:13:19,475 --> 00:13:21,407
Son of a bitch, Cap.
368
00:13:21,722 --> 00:13:23,582
How could you do that?
369
00:13:23,836 --> 00:13:25,463
That was the boy you brought
into this world,
370
00:13:25,487 --> 00:13:28,103
- as far as you know!
- Do you really think I wouldn't know
371
00:13:28,128 --> 00:13:29,955
that the baby I delivered fled to Sweden
372
00:13:29,980 --> 00:13:32,107
and joined a "duumsdoy kolt"?
373
00:13:32,132 --> 00:13:33,909
- Oops.
- I was gonna let you off easy
374
00:13:33,934 --> 00:13:35,109
on those evaluations.
375
00:13:35,134 --> 00:13:37,679
But after that,
I'm cranking it up full blast.
376
00:13:37,704 --> 00:13:39,629
- No!
- Cap...
377
00:13:40,307 --> 00:13:42,241
Astronaut school, dude?
378
00:13:44,872 --> 00:13:47,072
Who knew that he would
keep such close tabs
379
00:13:47,097 --> 00:13:48,597
on the baby he delivered?
380
00:13:48,622 --> 00:13:50,492
Huh. Hey, guys.
381
00:13:50,517 --> 00:13:52,551
Where's the Darla doll?
382
00:13:52,586 --> 00:13:54,018
- What do you mean?
- What?
383
00:13:54,043 --> 00:13:57,152
We put it right here, and now it's gone.
384
00:13:57,177 --> 00:13:58,801
- So which one of you took it?
- Don't look at me.
385
00:13:58,825 --> 00:14:00,602
I'm the one that wanted to give it away.
386
00:14:00,627 --> 00:14:03,004
So that means one of you took the doll.
387
00:14:03,029 --> 00:14:06,364
That's exactly what the real
doll thief would say, Granny.
388
00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:10,254
Which is precisely what the
actual doll thief would say,
389
00:14:10,279 --> 00:14:11,843
- Andy!
- What?
390
00:14:11,868 --> 00:14:14,006
Which is undoubtedly
what the true doll thief
391
00:14:14,031 --> 00:14:15,885
- would say, Ike.
- Me?!
392
00:14:15,910 --> 00:14:17,048
- Yeah, you.
- Obviously!
393
00:14:17,073 --> 00:14:18,612
- No, it ain't!
- You guys!
394
00:14:18,637 --> 00:14:20,738
What happened to the Christmas spirit?
395
00:14:22,983 --> 00:14:25,784
The deal was we were gonna
split that doll three ways!
396
00:14:25,820 --> 00:14:27,431
That's over 4 grand each!
397
00:14:27,456 --> 00:14:29,654
- 5 grand.
- I want that doll on the table
398
00:14:29,690 --> 00:14:32,032
- in three minutes.
- I want it in 30 seconds.
399
00:14:32,057 --> 00:14:34,915
- Damn it, I didn't take it!
- I didn't take it either!
400
00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:36,272
Liar!
401
00:14:38,622 --> 00:14:41,486
Well, if that ain't a heapin'
pile of humbug stew,
402
00:14:41,511 --> 00:14:43,044
I don't know what is.
403
00:14:43,179 --> 00:14:44,846
What are the odds that the Eddie
404
00:14:44,871 --> 00:14:46,841
and the Darla doll situations
405
00:14:46,866 --> 00:14:50,734
would hit their lowest points
at the exact same time?
406
00:14:51,087 --> 00:14:52,920
Ah, what a world.
407
00:14:52,945 --> 00:14:55,546
I sure hope they can still fix this.
408
00:15:01,729 --> 00:15:03,398
Hey, guys. Time for the Yankee Swap.
409
00:15:03,423 --> 00:15:05,664
- But what about Uncle Eddie?
- Look, I have been trying
410
00:15:05,689 --> 00:15:07,337
to shove Christmas cheer
down that guy's throat
411
00:15:07,361 --> 00:15:09,862
for 25 years... He's too far gone.
412
00:15:11,379 --> 00:15:13,685
Come on, it's Christmas Eve!
413
00:15:13,710 --> 00:15:15,378
How 'bout I read
"'Twas the Night Before Christmas"?
414
00:15:15,402 --> 00:15:17,413
- You love when I do that.
- It just doesn't feel right
415
00:15:17,437 --> 00:15:19,113
- without Uncle Eddie here.
- You're right.
416
00:15:19,137 --> 00:15:20,670
But what else can we do?
417
00:15:51,664 --> 00:15:53,904
Yeah. Here we are.
418
00:15:54,327 --> 00:15:56,980
Ohh. Here we go.
419
00:16:01,949 --> 00:16:06,311
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
420
00:16:06,336 --> 00:16:10,889
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
421
00:16:10,924 --> 00:16:15,211
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
422
00:16:15,236 --> 00:16:19,160
♪ Hark the harald angels sing ♪
423
00:16:19,185 --> 00:16:23,045
♪ Glory to the newborn king ♪
424
00:16:23,070 --> 00:16:26,969
♪ Peace on Earth and mercy mild ♪
425
00:16:26,994 --> 00:16:30,775
♪ God and sinners reconciled ♪
426
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:32,566
- ♪ Joy ♪
- Shut up, you dorks!
427
00:16:32,591 --> 00:16:34,657
Cap, we know you hate Christmas,
428
00:16:34,682 --> 00:16:36,525
but we want you to join
us for the Gift Swap.
429
00:16:36,550 --> 00:16:38,673
You think that'll get
you a good evaluation?
430
00:16:38,698 --> 00:16:40,463
- Bah!
- Eddie, the Yankee Swap
431
00:16:40,488 --> 00:16:42,554
is a station event,
and you're gonna join us.
432
00:16:42,590 --> 00:16:43,799
And that's an order!
433
00:16:45,554 --> 00:16:47,223
Let the swap begin!
434
00:16:47,248 --> 00:16:48,597
- I got number one.
- Ah!
435
00:16:48,622 --> 00:16:50,439
- Oh!
- Yeah!
436
00:16:50,464 --> 00:16:51,918
You know what, sometimes that's good.
437
00:16:51,942 --> 00:16:53,474
He briefed me. First is worst.
438
00:16:53,499 --> 00:16:54,943
- Ah...
- Not all the time.
439
00:16:54,968 --> 00:16:57,397
Uh... whoa.
440
00:16:57,422 --> 00:17:00,816
Two tickets to Seattle/Arizona,
50-yard line.
441
00:17:00,841 --> 00:17:02,031
- Whoa!
- Wow.
442
00:17:02,056 --> 00:17:03,240
Whose gift is this? Who did this?
443
00:17:03,264 --> 00:17:05,217
I danced this corporate
gig and I hit it off
444
00:17:05,242 --> 00:17:07,164
- with the owner's wife, so...
- I can't wait
445
00:17:07,189 --> 00:17:08,929
for one of you guys to
snag these away from me.
446
00:17:08,953 --> 00:17:10,715
Hey, you never know, though... I'm next!
447
00:17:10,740 --> 00:17:13,446
Yoink! Cool!
448
00:17:13,471 --> 00:17:14,971
Chubby's Exotic Dance Emporium...
449
00:17:14,996 --> 00:17:16,665
One VIP lap dance.
450
00:17:16,690 --> 00:17:19,651
Not sure I need this, but...
No, no, it's good for research.
451
00:17:19,687 --> 00:17:20,814
I know how this works, Ike.
452
00:17:20,839 --> 00:17:22,687
No, I'm keepin' it.
453
00:17:23,130 --> 00:17:24,634
- Okay.
- Oh, look, I'm next.
454
00:17:24,659 --> 00:17:26,308
This one looks fun.
455
00:17:26,333 --> 00:17:30,598
"One free depilation at
Alohair Beauty Salon."
456
00:17:30,623 --> 00:17:32,397
Get it over with, then.
That's your family business.
457
00:17:32,421 --> 00:17:33,413
What're you talking about?
458
00:17:33,437 --> 00:17:35,073
Merry Christmas. Who's next?
459
00:17:35,108 --> 00:17:37,452
Let me show you dum-dums
how to pick a real gift.
460
00:17:37,477 --> 00:17:39,677
- That's a good one.
- A Nightmare Manor
461
00:17:39,713 --> 00:17:40,727
Annual Pass.
462
00:17:41,593 --> 00:17:42,657
I was banned from
463
00:17:42,682 --> 00:17:46,057
the premises for two years,
but it's still a good gift.
464
00:17:46,082 --> 00:17:47,479
- Okay, okay.
- I'm gonna go with
465
00:17:47,504 --> 00:17:50,633
this red box. Sweet... moustache wax.
466
00:17:50,658 --> 00:17:52,418
This'll be great for
when I have a boyfriend
467
00:17:52,443 --> 00:17:55,051
- with a moustache.
- Okay, thank you, guys.
468
00:17:55,076 --> 00:17:56,443
I know what you're doin' here.
469
00:17:56,468 --> 00:17:58,387
- Thank you.
- Yay!
470
00:17:58,412 --> 00:17:59,762
Hold on.
471
00:17:59,787 --> 00:18:01,566
Santa has not yet had his turn.
472
00:18:01,591 --> 00:18:04,021
If I were to survey the other gifts
473
00:18:04,046 --> 00:18:06,443
that were available to me,
474
00:18:06,468 --> 00:18:09,351
I'm... going to take...
475
00:18:09,683 --> 00:18:10,683
this one.
476
00:18:11,414 --> 00:18:12,487
You kidding me?
477
00:18:12,512 --> 00:18:14,920
50-hard line! Hee hee hee hee!
478
00:18:14,945 --> 00:18:16,177
- Chief.
- Dad.
479
00:18:16,202 --> 00:18:18,066
Well, Merry Christmas, buddy.
480
00:18:18,091 --> 00:18:20,529
- Okay, well...
- Wait, wait, Cap.
481
00:18:20,554 --> 00:18:22,390
- Shouldn't you open your gift?
- I know what it is.
482
00:18:22,414 --> 00:18:24,916
It's a bidet...
because Christmas is all about
483
00:18:24,941 --> 00:18:26,606
taking it in the pooper.
484
00:18:26,631 --> 00:18:28,228
Some Santa you are.
485
00:18:30,248 --> 00:18:31,653
Cap, I'm sorry.
486
00:18:31,678 --> 00:18:34,442
- Dad, why did you do that?
- 50-yard line!
487
00:18:35,565 --> 00:18:38,316
I mean, really, it's a Yankee
Swap... get over it.
488
00:18:40,116 --> 00:18:41,559
Man...
489
00:18:45,745 --> 00:18:49,075
The nicest thing I can
say about Granfield Smith
490
00:18:49,100 --> 00:18:51,500
is that he wraps hose with the grace
491
00:18:51,525 --> 00:18:54,319
and speed of a pregnant water buffalo.
492
00:18:56,767 --> 00:18:59,484
And that... finishes it.
493
00:19:09,310 --> 00:19:10,895
"Clean in comfort."
494
00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:12,699
Sunny Tunnel Bidet.
495
00:19:12,724 --> 00:19:14,232
Hmm.
496
00:19:15,075 --> 00:19:16,708
Eh, why not?
497
00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:19,046
Here goes nothing.
498
00:19:21,136 --> 00:19:22,580
Ooh!
499
00:19:23,801 --> 00:19:27,136
Ooh hoo hoo hoo ooh!
500
00:19:31,751 --> 00:19:33,594
And in that moment,
501
00:19:33,619 --> 00:19:37,221
feeling the soothing rush
of 82-degree toilet water
502
00:19:37,246 --> 00:19:39,579
on his bitter and hardened anus,
503
00:19:39,604 --> 00:19:44,279
Eddie Penisi's heart
grew 20 sizes that night.
504
00:19:45,545 --> 00:19:46,623
I love it!
505
00:19:46,648 --> 00:19:48,767
I'm too old for this shit.
506
00:19:49,460 --> 00:19:51,166
What was I thinking?
507
00:19:51,500 --> 00:19:53,632
These people are my family.
508
00:19:54,202 --> 00:19:57,213
But there's no time to do
those evaluations over again.
509
00:19:57,238 --> 00:19:58,953
Is there?
510
00:20:03,416 --> 00:20:05,723
You there, boy, what time is it?
511
00:20:05,748 --> 00:20:07,526
Almost 5:00 in the morning!
512
00:20:07,551 --> 00:20:10,718
5:00? There might just be enough time!
513
00:20:10,743 --> 00:20:12,252
What are you doing running around
514
00:20:12,277 --> 00:20:13,909
at 5:00 on Christmas morning?
515
00:20:13,934 --> 00:20:16,034
Stealing packages
off people's doorsteps!
516
00:20:16,069 --> 00:20:17,679
Wait... Hunter, is that you?
517
00:20:17,704 --> 00:20:19,937
- Ah, fuck off!
- Ha ha ha.
518
00:20:19,962 --> 00:20:21,761
Merry Christmas, Hunter.
519
00:20:21,866 --> 00:20:23,470
Merry Christmas.
520
00:20:23,495 --> 00:20:24,795
Whatever.
521
00:20:27,515 --> 00:20:29,598
Oh, something smells good.
522
00:20:29,623 --> 00:20:31,003
It smells like Christmas.
523
00:20:31,028 --> 00:20:33,862
- It is Christmas, dummy.
- Merry Christmas.
524
00:20:33,887 --> 00:20:35,787
Merry Christmas, guys.
525
00:20:38,076 --> 00:20:39,775
Whoa!
526
00:20:39,887 --> 00:20:42,642
- It looks amazing!
- Holy...
527
00:20:45,265 --> 00:20:47,259
Merry Christmas, everyone.
528
00:20:47,284 --> 00:20:49,344
Whoa! What happened here?
529
00:20:49,369 --> 00:20:50,846
A Christmas miracle.
530
00:20:50,871 --> 00:20:52,925
And here's the cherry
on top of the yule log.
531
00:20:52,950 --> 00:20:54,401
Check out your stockings.
532
00:20:55,288 --> 00:20:56,513
Aw, man!
533
00:20:56,538 --> 00:20:58,253
Did you do all this?
534
00:20:58,278 --> 00:20:59,978
- I did.
- Our evaluations!
535
00:21:00,013 --> 00:21:01,679
"Granfield Smith wraps hose
536
00:21:01,715 --> 00:21:04,059
with the speed and grace of a gazelle"?
537
00:21:04,084 --> 00:21:08,220
"Andy Myawani... more like dandy guy
with two Mommies"?
538
00:21:08,255 --> 00:21:10,239
- It was 5:00 in the morning.
- Ike Crystal.
539
00:21:10,264 --> 00:21:11,574
"Satisfactory.
540
00:21:11,599 --> 00:21:13,186
Satisfactory..."
541
00:21:13,211 --> 00:21:15,015
Satisfactory on every one!
542
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:17,007
Thanks, Cap!
543
00:21:17,032 --> 00:21:18,564
What caused the change of heart, Cap?
544
00:21:18,589 --> 00:21:20,455
Well, Lucy,
I realized it was selfish of me
545
00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:22,689
to tarnish your records because
I had the holiday blues.
546
00:21:22,714 --> 00:21:25,147
Or maybe somebody used
his new Christmas gift.
547
00:21:25,172 --> 00:21:26,654
You're right, Chief.
548
00:21:27,341 --> 00:21:29,241
Your gift taught me a lot last night.
549
00:21:29,276 --> 00:21:32,263
Turns out, assholes do have feelings.
550
00:21:32,288 --> 00:21:33,859
I know this asshole does.
551
00:21:33,884 --> 00:21:35,452
- Aw...
- Aw ha ha ha.
552
00:21:35,477 --> 00:21:37,526
Wait a minute. Did you know the bidet
553
00:21:37,551 --> 00:21:39,636
was gonna have this effect on Cap?
554
00:21:41,297 --> 00:21:43,481
It looks like there's a new
Santa Claus around here.
555
00:21:43,506 --> 00:21:45,340
Or should I say...
556
00:21:47,308 --> 00:21:48,871
Old Taint Nick?
557
00:21:51,421 --> 00:21:53,676
Man, the only thing
that'd make this day better
558
00:21:53,701 --> 00:21:56,434
is if one of you admitted
to stealing that Darla doll.
559
00:21:56,459 --> 00:21:58,528
- I didn't take it, Andy!
- No worries, gentlemen.
560
00:21:58,553 --> 00:22:01,354
- 'Cause I know who did it.
- What? Who?
561
00:22:01,682 --> 00:22:03,641
- Seriously?
- Follow me.
562
00:22:03,666 --> 00:22:05,177
Why can't you just tell us now?
563
00:22:05,408 --> 00:22:07,045
Go...
564
00:22:07,070 --> 00:22:09,170
- boom.
- Whoa!
565
00:22:09,195 --> 00:22:11,439
So this whole time it's
been Mark Budmartin?
566
00:22:11,464 --> 00:22:13,226
The actor who played Mark Budmartin.
567
00:22:13,251 --> 00:22:14,960
I knew that guy was a phony!
568
00:22:14,985 --> 00:22:16,603
I'm sorry for accusing you.
569
00:22:16,628 --> 00:22:18,176
Aw, man, it's okay.
570
00:22:18,669 --> 00:22:20,903
- I'm sorry too, fellas.
- Take it in.
571
00:22:20,928 --> 00:22:24,362
Are you guys ready for the
genuine Christmas miracle?
572
00:22:24,398 --> 00:22:26,498
That is not the real Darla doll.
573
00:22:26,534 --> 00:22:29,163
- I think it is.
- This is the real
574
00:22:29,188 --> 00:22:30,395
Pubic Defender Darla.
575
00:22:30,420 --> 00:22:32,329
When I saw how weird you
guys were being about it,
576
00:22:32,353 --> 00:22:33,954
I swapped her out for another Darla.
577
00:22:33,979 --> 00:22:37,242
Merry $15,000 Christmas to us!
578
00:22:37,267 --> 00:22:39,888
- You're kidding, right?
- What? I saved Christmas.
579
00:22:39,913 --> 00:22:41,901
- Why don't you read this?
- Right here.
580
00:22:41,926 --> 00:22:44,007
What does it say?
"Pubic Defender Darla doll.
581
00:22:44,032 --> 00:22:46,142
M-I-P." What's MIP mean?
582
00:22:46,167 --> 00:22:48,330
Mint In Package.
It means it's an untouched doll
583
00:22:48,355 --> 00:22:49,543
in the original package.
584
00:22:49,568 --> 00:22:52,855
That doll right there is
without original package.
585
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:54,818
How much is it worth W-O-O-P?
586
00:22:54,843 --> 00:22:57,059
$122.
587
00:22:57,084 --> 00:22:59,117
Well, then we're gonna spend that $122
588
00:22:59,142 --> 00:23:00,738
on sugar plums and peppermint bark.
589
00:23:00,763 --> 00:23:02,717
- Yay!
- Good for you, Cap!
590
00:23:02,742 --> 00:23:04,336
Merry Christmas, Cap.
591
00:23:04,361 --> 00:23:06,795
And God bless us... every one.
592
00:23:06,820 --> 00:23:09,032
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
593
00:23:10,714 --> 00:23:12,489
Merry Christmas, ho ho ho.
594
00:23:12,514 --> 00:23:14,483
- Who's been good this year?
- Merry Christmas.
595
00:23:14,507 --> 00:23:16,412
Merry Christmas. I like you guys.
596
00:23:16,437 --> 00:23:18,327
Happy holidays. Merry Christmas.
597
00:23:18,352 --> 00:23:20,896
Hey... 314 families.
That's a new record!
598
00:23:20,921 --> 00:23:23,077
- Awesome!
- Hey guys, come on over.
599
00:23:23,102 --> 00:23:25,803
- Chief's gonna read his poem.
- Yay!
600
00:23:26,093 --> 00:23:27,368
Yeah!
601
00:23:27,393 --> 00:23:28,927
Okay, guys.
602
00:23:29,338 --> 00:23:32,293
"'Twas the night before
Christmas at Tacoma FD.
603
00:23:32,318 --> 00:23:35,312
"What a year it has been,
filled with whimsy and glee.
604
00:23:35,337 --> 00:23:38,436
Chief Terry banned gambling,
but it went on, however."
605
00:23:38,463 --> 00:23:39,980
- No it did not, no it did not.
- Not really.
606
00:23:40,004 --> 00:23:42,985
"While a fire in Dildo Town
brought enemies together.
607
00:23:43,010 --> 00:23:46,230
"Eddie's dad paid a visit
and was nice only to Lucy.
608
00:23:46,255 --> 00:23:48,884
"The guys on the C team
turned out to be douchey.
609
00:23:48,909 --> 00:23:50,993
- Big time.
- "Cap joined the Fire Choir
610
00:23:51,018 --> 00:23:53,254
by using his lips, and Nightmare Manor
611
00:23:53,279 --> 00:23:55,217
"gave Granny a case of the yips.
612
00:23:55,242 --> 00:23:58,045
- Ha, that was so funny!
- Man, I had to lawyer up.
613
00:23:58,070 --> 00:24:00,292
"Low voice Lucy
sounded like Barry White.
614
00:24:00,317 --> 00:24:01,593
"And Ike's brother needed help
615
00:24:01,629 --> 00:24:03,176
"'cause his sperm count was light.
616
00:24:03,201 --> 00:24:04,744
He was havin' a tough time.
617
00:24:04,769 --> 00:24:07,198
"Cap grew his hair an incredible length
618
00:24:07,223 --> 00:24:08,622
"while a stray bolt of lightning
619
00:24:08,647 --> 00:24:10,079
gave Andy super strength."
620
00:24:10,104 --> 00:24:11,781
Wait, wait, wait...
When did that happen?
621
00:24:11,806 --> 00:24:13,125
I'm just making sure you're awake.
622
00:24:13,149 --> 00:24:15,817
- Ha ha, that didn't happen!
- "At the Firemen's Ball
623
00:24:15,842 --> 00:24:17,907
- the elevator was stuck."
- I don't remember that.
624
00:24:17,932 --> 00:24:19,256
"And this holiday season,
625
00:24:19,281 --> 00:24:21,247
Eddie learned to give a fuck."
626
00:24:21,272 --> 00:24:23,031
- Thanks to you guys.
- That's right.
627
00:24:23,056 --> 00:24:26,257
So as we wrap up our tale
and we ride out of sight...
628
00:24:26,282 --> 00:24:28,393
Merry Christmas to all,
629
00:24:28,418 --> 00:24:30,783
and to all a good night.
630
00:24:30,808 --> 00:24:32,427
Ain't that right, Darla?
631
00:24:32,452 --> 00:24:34,518
You said it, Snowman!
632
00:24:35,114 --> 00:24:37,806
Station 24, man stuck in chimney.
633
00:24:37,831 --> 00:24:39,831
- Please respond.
- All right, here we go guys!
46896
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