All language subtitles for Michael Everyday s01e11 Failure.eng

[Michael] "Miguel is so crippled with fear

as to be laughably unsympathetic."

-Laughably unsympathetic?
-Yes, that's upsetting.

I'm so unsympathetic it's laughable?

-This review isn't about you.
-Well, it's about you too.

He calls you an Oliver Sacks wannabe.

This reviewer has a lot of anger.

Perhaps he was beaten as a child,

or has a physical deformity--

a hump, perhaps.

Honestly, I pity him.

It's just that I want to give
a speech at the campaign launch,

but I'm afraid people will laugh
because I'm unsympathetic.

You're giving far too much power
to this review,

which is really nothing more
than the rantings of an angry,

possibly hunchbacked man.

I have an exercise that will
help take its power away.

-Are you up for an exposure next session?
-Yeah.

-God, this is so humiliating.
-You have to remember

that many great books
were harshly reviewed.

For some, the criticism came
before they were published.

The author of Confederacy of Dunces,

he couldn't even get it
published in his lifetime.

Didn't he kill himself?

I... I believe he did, yes.

-Because of the humiliation.
-I'm sure he had...

underlying issues.

-["Gotta Get Up" by Harry Nilsson plays]
-[alarm clock buzzing]

♪ Gotta get up, gotta get out ♪

♪ Gotta get home
Before the morning comes ♪

♪ What if I'm late?
Got a big day ♪

♪ Gotta get home
Before the sun comes up ♪

♪ Up and away
Got a big day ♪

♪ Sorry can't stay ♪

♪ I gotta run, run, yeah ♪

♪ Gotta get home
Pick up the phone ♪

♪ Gotta let the people know
I'm gonna be late ♪

-What?
-That review killed us.

But... isn't this the type
of thing that will pass?

I mean, how many people
actually read the Ottawa--

CP picked it up.

They reprinted it internationally.

The book could have limped along
with one scathing review,

but people are reading it in Africa.

It's a bit of a bullet to the head.

-Africa?
-Don't take it personally.

You were a scapegoat,
representing all bad writers--

non-writers, new writers,
you know what I mean.

But maybe the book tour will
stir up some interest.

-Cancelled. Sorry.
-Cancelled?

Book stores are starting
to send the books back.

But it's just been out a week!

Like I said,
a bit of a bullet to the head.

You're not gonna kill yourself, are you?
Tell me the truth.

No, I'm not.

Because I'm late for a lunch meeting,
but if you're gonna kill yourself,

I will cancel it.

-No, I'm fine.
-Good.

I'm sorry, David, and if I wasn't so busy,
I'd be even sorrier.

[phone beeps]

-[Claire] Mr. Ackerman's here.
-Um...

-Dr. Storper?
-I need a few minutes.

-He just needs a few minutes.
-[Claire pushing buttons]

Wait, what? Sorr--

Do you want a hug?

No.

-Is that inappropriate?
-Yes.

-Do you want it anyway?
-No, Claire, thank you.

The hug is out here if you want it later.

[door closing]

Failure is a necessary part

of the human development process.

When a baby takes its first steps,

it falls on its backside, gets up,
and tries again.

Failures are quickly forgotten
when you're a baby.

As adults, the acrid stench
of failure lingers.

[Carlos] Brutal, cowboy.

-What?
-Brutal, cowboy. The review.

-Humiliating.
-What, you've read it?

It's pinned on the bulletin board in
the break room, so I had to read it.

It was in my face when
I was making my cup of soup.

-Who put it on the bulletin board?
-I did, bro.

-Why would you do that?
-So that people lay off you today.

Cut you some slack.
You see, I got your back--

[Mr. Renn's wheelchair whirring]

Carlos, walk with me.

Someone pinned a review--
Miguel Tuesdays and Thursdays--

-on the bulletin board.
-What?

Carlos, I believe you're the culprit.

-Uh, Mr. Renn, I--
-I'm not likely to promote

an employee who engages
in cruel and petty behavior.

Honestly, Mr. Renn,

-I am not the one who did this--
-In this book, there is a character, Carl,

an ambitious clerk who torments Miguel.

This book is a mirror.

Take a look, see yourself, and change.

It's not too late.

[Dr. Wasserman] You failed.

Did I? I-- I don't know.
I have one bad review--

The tour is cancelled,

book stores are sending back your books--

you're a failure by any definition.

-How is this helpful?
-Say it, Duncan! "I am a failure."

-I don't, I don't want to--
-Say it!

-I'm a failure.
-Good. Now believe it.

You failed.

But you've succeeded
in many other endeavors.

You've got three wonderful children.

No, I don't, act--
I don't have any children.

Well, you have a strong marriage.

No, I'm divorced.

There, there must be something...

Ah! Yeah, you, you wrote a boo--

[Dr. Wasserman mumbling]

Help me out here.

Uh... I graduated medical school.

There you go! Yeah, and I'm sure
there's several other areas as well.

So what you're saying is that my successes
and failures balance themselves out.

Ehhh... In your case

there seems to be an imbalance.

You have to embrace your failure.

Learn from it. Success leads to nothing
because it's so difficult to duplicate.

But failure is a great teacher.

That's why you have learned today

that you are a terrible writer.

[birds chirping outside]

You're tired, Daschle.

Yes, well, I haven't been sleeping.

Well, I could give you
something to put you out.

So, I'm... I'm a failure.

Yes.

And you find it difficult to accept that

because of your persistent delusion

that life has any meaning.

One at bedtime, maybe two,

five, you'll never wake up.

You used to be scared of dogs.
Remember how we treated that?

Yeah, I sat with a dog
for a few minutes every day

until eventually
I wasn't scared of it anymore.

With more contact you realized
that dogs are not a threat.

They're kind of dumb, actually.

We're gonna do
the same thing with the review.

You're gonna read the review over and over
again until you realize it's not a threat.

Go ahead.

What, in front of everybody?

Why not?

Show these strangers
that you are not afraid of this review.

Go on.

"Living in fear that this man
will write another book."

Yeah.

"As a book reviewer, I am rarely
in a position to choose what I read,

and though I have eclectic tastes,
there is one genre I absolutely abhor:

the pop-psychology self-help book.

Tuesdays with Miguel
is a classic example of a genre

that is as far from literature
as reality television is

from Italian neo-realist cinema."

Oh, that's just pretentious.

I'm reading a review of a book
that's based on me,

-and I'm realizing the guy's a jerk.
-C-continue.

"This is a terrible piece of writing,

as weak an example
of an anemic genre as one can find."

This is a terrible piece of writing!

"As weak an example of an
anemic genre as one can find.

The thinly-drawn Miguel
is so crippled with fear

as to be laughably unsympathetic."

That's me-- he's talking about me.
Am I laughably unsympathetic?

-[spectators] No.
-Ha-ha!

"I can only assume that Dr. Storper wrote
this self-help book to help himself,

as a way of battling
his own personal demons,

which, judging by the self-indulgent,
turgid musings contained herein,

are a multitude." The end.

-[spectators applauding]
-Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You know what? That totally worked.

Good.

-I feel better.
-Good.

First of all, this is not
a critique of me as a person.

And clearly he hates self-help books.
That's why he wrote this.

He's just using our book
as a sacrificial lamb.

-Exactly.
-It totally worked.

I feel a thousand times better.
Now what do we do?

How about a ritual crumpling?

I'm free. Yay!

Um, do you wanna...?

Oh, no, I'm gonna finish my beer.
It's such a nice day.

Okay. Um, oh, I was gonna ask you:

I don't know if this is appropriate,

but the elder abuse campaign
is launching tomorrow.

-Do you want to come?
-Sure, yeah, I'll come.

Great. Claire will give you the details.

And, uh, thanks again.
This was a good one.

[David] It is important
to acknowledge our failures,

but not obsess on them.

Our failures must be seen
for what they are:

the inevitable result

of stretching ourselves,

testing our limits,

growing as human beings.

Congratulations!

-What is this?
-This is what you do

when you have something to celebrate--

like the birth of a child, or a promotion,

or selling 100 books in a day!

-It's true. Jasmina called.
-One hundred.

And maybe one
of those one hundred people

will be a blogger, and maybe
they will write a glowing review,

and then maybe that will get
reprinted all over the world too.

Maybe.

Uh, when we're done celebrating,
can I take one of those home for Sophie?

Of course, yes.

-Wow! That took work.
-Mmm, not really.

Skinning the rabbit's the hardest part.

Well, it looks great.

Uh... are you apologizing for something?

Oh, damn it, am I that easy to read?

No, no. My mother is the same way.
She cooked out of guilt.

She made a suckling pig once.
That's how my dad found out

-she was screwing the mailman.
-Are you screwing the mailman?

No, no, I just, you know,
I wasn't there for you

when all this nastiness happened
with the review, so--

Oh, that's okay.

No, it's not. I was avoiding you,
I thought you might blame me.

For the review? I'm not that petty.

No, for everything. I was your editor,

I was your guide
through this entire process.

Anyway, I know that it must have...
must have hurt.

Oh, it hurt, but it's, you know,
one man's opinion,

one barely literate man.

-Okay.
-Let's have sex.

-What?
-Yes.

-Yes. Celebration sex.
-Now?

-Let's go.
-Okay. All right.

-Oh, the rabbit.
-Oh, yeah, rabbit... okay.

You know what? Screw the rabbit.

Let's go. This cockeyed optimism
of yours is very sexy.

Well...

we sold a hundred books today.
That's why I'm happy and horny.

You know, let's...
not have sex in the bed.

Let's... do it on the couch.

But the couch almost killed us last time.

How about the floor?

You got the mailman in there?

What--

-Are those...?
-No, it's nothing. It, um...

Oh, my God.

You, you bought the books.

Yes. I did.

I bought a hundred copies.

I just thought I'd give
sales a little kick-start.

I'm really proud of it, David.
I'll give it away to friends.

-You don't have 100 friends.
-Well, not real ones-- Facebook friends.

-I can't believe you did this to me.
-Did what? What did I do to you?

-You told me it was a good book.
-It is a good book, David.

This whole thing is your fault!
The whole debacle is your fault!

Oh, I'm sorry, and what ever
happened to not being petty?

If you had let me write the book
that I wanted to write in the beginning,

instead of forcing me to make it
about Michael,

none of this would have happened!
The review, Michael's breakdown--

Okay, you think you would have
had a better review

had we published David Storper's
rambling stream of consciousness memoir?

What is this, another review?

-You know what? We're finished!
-David, come on.

-It's over!
-David. Stop it.

-Don't call me!
-Come on, come on.

[sighs]

[applause]

Hello, everyone.

Bienvenue.

So nice of you to come for the unveiling

of our new elder abuse campaign.

Notre nouvelle campagne
contre l'abus des aînés.

Before I reveal the powerful
and moving images,

the author of this campaign, Michael Dyer,

would like to say a few words. Michael?

[clears throat] Thanks.

Um, I'm not, uh,

very comfortable with speaking--

at all, really-- um, but...

I just want to thank two people:

my partner, Carlos, who did the layout,

and, uh, Dr. David Storper.

We went through some hard times recently.

He wrote a book about me, I got angry--

but, anyway, that's all behind us now.

But I just wanted to say thank you to him

because he inspired this campaign.

[applause]

Thank you, Michael.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the new campaign!

La nouvelle campagne!

[applause]

[applause continues]

And now, please feel free
to take a closer look.

We also have small, triangular sandwiches

and juice available over there.

Please feel--

I am, uh, Carlos Costa, team leader,

and I would like to thank Mr. Renn
for his leadership and wisdom,

and I would also like
to thank Michael Dyer

for his wonderful abuse slogans.

Michael, um...

is a very... special man.

Which is why it's so terrible
that someone posted

this review on the bulletin board
of the break room.

I want to apologize...

-You're that a-hole.
-What?

You're the a-hole that wrote that book.

The shrink.

That book was awful.
How could you have done that?

Well, I, uh--

I couldn't get through ten pages of it.
Your writing's terrible.

Imagine our poor Michael
having to read this.

-Carlos. Thank you.
-In the break room with his coworkers.

For those of you who don't know,
some doctor wrote a book about Michael.

-[Mr. Renn] Carlos, thank you.
-I wasted 45 minutes reading that crap.

I'm 87!

Do you think I have 45 minutes to spare?

-Well, I'm sorry.
-[person] Shh!

It took 45 minutes
to read ten pages? [chuckles]

-I'm practically blind.
-Ah-ha.

Is that funny to you?

Well, uh, it was nice meeting you--

I want my money back. Give it to me.

Give me $29.95 plus tax.

Excuse me. I just--

-[screams]
-Oh, my-- Oh!

-I hope you feel better now.
-Can I have the mic?

-Get your hands off me!
-You've fallen sir. I'm helping you.

[man] You're hurting me!

-Thank you, Carlos.
-[applause]

You're hurting me!

[woman] You're hurting him!
Leave him alone!

-You're hurting me!
-Please enjoy the sandwiches.

-He started it!
-You're a hack!

Oh!

Oh, man, I'm so proud of you.
Are you free tonight?

-Can I take you out to celebrate?
-Yeah, yeah, sure!

Congratulations.

-Thank you for all your hard work.
-Did Dr. Storper leave?

Well done, sir. Well done.

Congratulations. Good work.

[booming rock music]

Oh-ho-ho! You were doing so good!

-Woo!
-You almost made it through

the whole song that time.

I could totally do a whole song
if that guy wasn't coughing.

-Five minute break?
-Another one.

-Let's go.
-Do you think that Dr. Storper

liked my work today?
'Cause he got out of there pretty quickly.

-Well, I just...
-You know, I thought that maybe

it's like when you can't fake that you
like something, so, you know, you dash.

I know, I do it all the time.

No, he had Ackerman at two.

I'm sure he's SO proud of you.
I am so proud of you.

I love you.

Oh.

I love...

you, Michael Dyer.

Do you have a problem with that?

Yes, actually.

-Explain.
-Well, no, it's just that

I wanted to say it first, but I thought
that you'd judge me, or scream "rape."

But, anyway, you said it first,
so now I have to say it second,

and if I say it second,
you're gonna assume that

I'm saying it just because you said it.

And if I don't say it,
you'll think that I don't love you--

which I do, obviously,
so now I don't know what to say.

I was waiting a long time
for you to say those words.

[song playing inside ends]

[applause and cheering]

Do you want to go back inside?

Nope.

[David] Failure must be embraced
because identity is forged

both through success and failure.

But, whereas our successes motivate us,

our failures can stop us cold.

[car honking]

And the defensive mechanism that
kicks in can spawn more failures.

[slurring] I just, I just want to talk
to you about this like an adult.

I know I am drunk,
and that is not appealing,

but I am still capable
of talking like an adult.

[thunder rumbling]

The fact is, being objective
about your failures,

building on them, and moving forward,
requires great effort.

It is tempting to take the easier route--

to simply give up.

To allow your failures to define you.

That's a mistake, of course.

It's not good. No.

Maybe you best send ambulance.

Is he what?

Breathing?

Maybe. I don't know.

I no hear good.

Best send ambulance.

Okay? Mm.

[whimsical music playing]

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