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MUSIC: Have I The Right?
by The Honeycombs
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Yes, I know. You've said that.
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You've said it 50 times!
Oh, Joan! Listen...
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..Roger is a lovely boy,
he's got a kind heart.
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Yes, well, you shouldn't have
left it on the landi...
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Look...not everyone knows
how to cook kippers, Joan.
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Not... Joan, I'm going to have
to go. We'll speak later, bye.
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FRUSTRATED SCREAM
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SHE LAUGHS
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Something's happened.
Something's happened.
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Tell me!
Dugdale's made an offer.
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Oh, Phil!
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Oh!
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I hoped he would, I thought he
might. Well, that's wonderful!
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You'll accept?
Oh, I have.
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Yes. Oh, yes.
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It's a big house for one.
What's he going to do with it?
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Lucky dogs! Yes...
So... ..finally.
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No more tricks, please, God.
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Nothing more from your
practical jokes department, hm?
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You're having doubts.
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Why do you say that?
Aren't you?
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Well, I'm...
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I'm worried, but not about me.
I'm worried about you.
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I mean, I'm dragging you along
in all this stuff, and...
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Well, you are. Well, supposing your
dreadful sister is right.
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I mean, supposing we get there,
and find we don't like it,
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or that we can't stand
the sight of each other.
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Well we won't know till we
give it a try, will we?
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God, you're brave.
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Where's your list? Oh!
Er, yes.. Well, number one is...
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There we are. Here - number one,
we get married.
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Number two, get married.
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Number three, GET married.
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Four, sell house - tick!
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Number five, decide on destination.
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Well, we'd better get going
on those marriages.
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Got a particular date?
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Friday the 13th?
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Oh, clever! That'll be a slow day!
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THEY LAUGH
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Ah! A stitch! I've got a stitch.
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It happens. Oh, I haven't had
a stitch since I was a kid.
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Sandra?
I'm going to lie down, you go on.
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Wake me up on the way back.
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Will you marry me?
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What?!
Ah!
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Perhaps I should have asked
your mum first.
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00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:54,120
No-go there. Mum's already fixed up
to be married to Phil.
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00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:55,400
For her consent, obviously.
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Obviously.
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She'd say you were crackers.
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What about you?
Do you think I'm crackers?
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I'll have to get back to you
on that.
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This has come as a bit of surprise,
hasn't it?
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Not entirely, no. Really?
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You seemed a bit...taken aback.
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Well, I had to look like that,
didn't I? I wouldn't want
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you to think I was taking
it for granted.
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Were you? Did you?
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Frankly, yes. When?
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When what? Our wedding.
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Ah...
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Any Monday afternoon,
half-day closing.
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00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:33,520
Preferably, before Mum and Phil
get married.
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Mum won't mind us beating them to
it, but Phil...
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Phil will go bananas! Ooh.
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00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:39,520
Do we want him to go bananas?
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00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:41,920
I like to get him going!
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And...
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..our age difference.
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Is that a problem?
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Hell, no. I won't have to wait
so long to inherit.
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00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:51,120
Well, I could always
make it worth your while.
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00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:53,520
And what with being with you...
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..makes me young.
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Keeps me going.
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Drat, I hadn't thought about that.
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I've put an offer in
on Phil's house.
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00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:08,000
What?!
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00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:10,520
Oh, good grief!
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Is that...is that an inducement?
If you like.
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00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:18,320
I like that house very much.
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I had no idea you were so rich.
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I'm not.
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00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:24,120
I'm relying on you.
Oh, my God.
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00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:28,200
Barking...and wildly optimistic.
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Is that a yes, then?
89
00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:07,000
Oh! I see you've bought a copy of
the prize-winning Lemming Family.
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00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:09,600
Yeah. Yes, we heard it was good.
91
00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:13,240
I'm in it. Really?
92
00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:14,200
I am. Are you?
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00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:17,800
Queenie Lemming, the cleaning lady,
is based on me,
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00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:20,720
Queenie Gale, the cleaning lady.
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Oh...
NERVOUS CHUCKLE
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00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:25,440
Would you like my autograph?
I could sign it for you.
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00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:26,200
Yes, please.
98
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:37,840
# Goodnight Vienna
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VIOLIN AND KAZOO ACCOMPANIMENT
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# You city of a million melodies
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00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:46,800
# Our hearts are thrilling
to the strains that you play
102
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:52,240
# From dawn till the daylight dies
103
00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:56,920
# Enchanted city of Columbine
and Pierrot
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# We know the magic of your spell
COINS CLINK
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# Of our romances, you're the hero
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00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:09,720
# Now is the time to say farewell. #
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Yes, now is the time to say
farewell, thank you very much.
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00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:14,640
SPECTATORS PROTEST
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Oh, buzz off! We're listening.
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Listen, that's it,
it's finished now.
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What's the matter, you got out of
bed the wrong side this morning?
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We've had complaints.
Who's complained?
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Shopkeepers.
Name two.
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Move along now, please. Thank you.
115
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Oh, it's pathetic!
Absolutely pathetic.
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Why don't you go and
catch some proper crims,
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instead of hanging around here,
spoiling people's fun?
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We were enjoying that!
CROWD AGREE
119
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Move along now, please, guys.
120
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:41,720
And that means you too, madam.
121
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I'm not going anywhere,
I'm staying here.
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We're not causing an obstruction.
123
00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:49,400
The only thing that's going on here
is people feeling happy.
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Is that a crime now?
125
00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:52,240
There's no need to
make things difficult.
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You're the one that's
making it difficult.
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There's not enough fun
to go around as it is.
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00:06:57,200 --> 00:06:58,920
CROWD AGREE
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We could charge you.
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00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:02,720
Ha-ha! Not a chance.
131
00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:03,400
No?
Never.
132
00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:06,520
I wouldn't be so sure, love.
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You're not going to charge me.
134
00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:11,200
How's that?
Bureaucracy.
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00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:13,840
You don't want to spend long,
tedious hours down at the station
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00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:15,840
filling in a charge sheet.
137
00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:21,400
Wasting all this time - and
taxpayers' money - on a harmless
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00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:25,720
frail, little old lady like me.
139
00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:28,240
You like a bit of trouble,
don't you?
140
00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:30,000
Mm, in moderation.
141
00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:31,120
SPECTATORS LAUGH
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00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:33,240
All right.
143
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# Goodnight Vienna... #
KAZOO PLAYS
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CROWD CLAP
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Queenie's some girl.
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Aye, sure is.
147
00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:51,600
They've really got it in for us,
those two coppers.
148
00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:55,440
Aye, they aren't making it
any easier for us, are they?
149
00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:57,920
And I've still got all this alimony
to pay to Wendy.
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00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:00,440
The dreaded alimony.
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00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:04,840
You'll be all right. You can go back
to caring for your Auntie Joan, eh?
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00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:05,720
She gave me the sack.
No!
153
00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:08,920
I was doing my best, I really was.
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She's a tyrant! "Don't do this,
don't do that," nonstop.
155
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:15,240
And moaning on and on about
there not being any sheepdogs
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00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:19,720
on the telly. And she took a dislike
to Methuselah. She didn't!
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00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:22,440
AS PUPPET: She did.
It was very hurtful.
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00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:24,200
So, you're out of a job?
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00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:26,000
Yeah, with all this alimony to pay.
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00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:30,800
I know someone that does these...
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..little shows at kids' parties.
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Maybe we could do something there?
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PUPPET VOICE: Oh, I'm up for that!
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Yeah, sounds interesting.
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Not you.
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What?!
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Well, you'd be a liability.
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I'm great with kids!
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I make them laugh. Kids love me.
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PUPPET VOICE: Let's do it.
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00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:51,120
Oh, no, we've got this
family confab...
172
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Erm, it's about Wendy's book.
The book?
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00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:54,640
Yeah, Phil thinks it's
about damage limitation.
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00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:56,920
But I'm in the book.
I should be there!
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Baz The Burglar Lemming?
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Aye, and I'm badly damaged!
177
00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:02,840
Well, you're not invited.
178
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:03,320
Well, invite me!
179
00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:14,920
So, let's get all our ducks
in a row before Wendy arrives.
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00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:15,720
The Lemming Family,
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00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:21,120
Roger's wife's extremely
badly-written children's story.
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00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:21,840
Ex-wife, ex.
I've got nothing to do with it.
183
00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:23,720
Roger, listen to Phil.
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00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:27,000
The malice, the vitriol,
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the venom gushing out of this book,
it has no source?
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I'm just an innocent bystander.
187
00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:32,600
Oh, typical!
188
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It won a top literary prize.
How can it be badly written?
189
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:41,800
I do not know, but it is,
believe me.
190
00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:42,120
And unfortunately...
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..it is based, absolutely
shamelessly, on all of us.
192
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:49,800
It's just a bit of a laugh.
193
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:51,720
I get discounts everywhere.
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Discount? Mm!
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When I tell them I'm the
real Queenie Lemming.
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00:09:57,280 --> 00:10:00,000
I got a free pizza the other day.
197
00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:01,600
I don't want a free pizza.
198
00:10:01,680 --> 00:10:04,720
With a nice Coke
thrown in for good measure.
199
00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:08,800
See, Queenie's right -
this could work to our advantage.
200
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:10,520
Who exactly are you?
201
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:13,000
I'm Baz Lemming. I'm famous too.
202
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,640
Excuse me.
SANDRA CLEARS THROAT
203
00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:16,840
Jack...
204
00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:19,920
..has asked me to marry him.
205
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:21,000
Jack?!
206
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:22,400
Dugdale?
207
00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:25,120
This morning.
208
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:25,640
Sandra!
209
00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:27,520
Well, I never!
210
00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:30,040
How long has this been brewing?
211
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:31,920
Years, apparently.
212
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:33,720
Although I've only recently
been let in on the secret.
213
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:37,120
And what did you say?
Yes.
214
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:40,720
You sound very sure.
I am!
215
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:43,440
I think. Total fantasy. She's done
this before, you know.
216
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,400
Oh, that's wonderful!
217
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:49,200
Lovely! Blimey, he's a dark horse.
218
00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:50,920
Yes, congratulations.
219
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:53,720
Yes, I'm very, very happy for you.
220
00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:56,120
Very happy indeed.
221
00:10:56,200 --> 00:11:00,120
But if we could return
to a more pressing issue...
222
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:01,640
Oh, Phil, it's too late!
223
00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:05,240
It's happened.
It's already out there.
224
00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:08,200
No, it's not too late. We can change
the names in later editions,
225
00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:12,800
AND we can insist the publisher puts
a slip in this edition saying...
226
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:15,640
Wendy's a vampire.
227
00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:18,120
What? Look, won't it just make
for more publicity?
228
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:19,800
Of course it will.
229
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:20,920
Sandra, do you really want
to be a lemming?
230
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:24,640
Oh, I got off quite lightly.
231
00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:27,600
Anyway, I shall be Sandra Dugdale
by October, so I don't really care.
232
00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:30,600
October?
233
00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:32,200
The first Saturday in October.
234
00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:36,000
Well, we're getting married
the second Saturday in October.
235
00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:37,840
You can't do that.
Why not?
236
00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:41,200
Well, we've been waiting for ages.
I mean, you've only just arrived.
237
00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:44,800
Phil, it doesn't matter.
It does matter.
238
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:45,920
It does matter! It's not fair.
239
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:50,240
SANDRA GIGGLES
240
00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:51,280
It's not funny!
241
00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:55,640
Oh, they were meant to be here
by noon!
242
00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:57,720
I really can't wait
very much longer.
243
00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:01,240
Well, off you go, then!
244
00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:04,840
Yes, we mustn't hold you back
from your big life.
245
00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:06,840
I'll fill you in later.
Yes!
246
00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:08,200
SANDRA GIGGLES
247
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:41,120
Well?
248
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:43,800
Well, what?
249
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:50,320
At first, they were astonished,
and then they were...
250
00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:53,120
Yes?
251
00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:56,520
..horrified.
Horrified?
252
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:57,800
Horrified. Especially Phil,
he went volcanic.
253
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:01,600
What about Edith?
254
00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:02,240
She cried.
255
00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:04,520
Wept her heart out.
256
00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:12,640
HEARTY CHUCKLE
257
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:15,120
You know, I hope you don't regard
this as an appealing side
258
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:16,080
to your character.
SANDRA CONTINUES LAUGHING
259
00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:20,720
Oh, three cheers for Wendy!
260
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:25,280
Hip-hip, hooray!
261
00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:27,040
Hip-hip, hooray...
WENDY LAUGHS
262
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:27,600
Hello, everyone.
263
00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:30,720
Oh, hello, Bob.
264
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:32,920
This is Terry, my literary agent.
Good to meet you all.
265
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:37,000
The Lemming Family
is literature, is it?
266
00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:39,840
You know, sentences with verbs,
that sort of thing?
267
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:40,920
Phil.
Mm-hm.
268
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,640
Well, let's make a start.
269
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:45,120
What are you proposing?
270
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:46,840
Er...proposing?
271
00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:50,120
Well, I mean, The Lemming Family
is a naked act of piracy, isn't it?
272
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:55,920
I mean, every one of us here
has been represented or exploited,
273
00:13:56,000 --> 00:14:00,240
and the least we expect
is a proper public apology.
274
00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:01,040
No, we don't!
275
00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:03,840
Yes, we do. We don't want to be
turned into lemmings and marketed.
276
00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:07,720
I'm with you, Phil.
Always a pleasure.
277
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:10,040
The characters in my book
bear no relation to actual people,
278
00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:13,800
living or dead,
and are entirely fictional.
279
00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:14,040
It says so on the first page.
280
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,240
Oh, come on! It's all about us,
from beginning to end.
281
00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:20,440
This is about an entirely
fictional family.
282
00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:22,600
Look, it conveys universal truths...
283
00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:24,520
Tosh! ..which is why grown ups,
as well as children,
284
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:27,320
find it so touching and appealing.
285
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:30,720
And that's just one of
many impressive reviews.
286
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:35,720
But look, erm, I really came here
to say something else.
287
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:39,000
Look... All this...
288
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:41,240
..it's changed my life, totally.
289
00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:44,000
I'm no longer afraid of bills
arriving that I can't pay,
290
00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:45,800
and landing on the mat.
291
00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:48,240
I don't have to worry about
every penny when I'm out shopping.
292
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:49,240
I don't have to wear the same
clothes that I've been wearing
293
00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:52,040
for the past ten years.
294
00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:55,240
For the first time ever,
I've got enough money to be what...
295
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:57,920
..I've always wanted to be.
296
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:01,000
Generous.
ROGER SNORTS
297
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:06,040
Roger, I don't need your alimony
any more.
298
00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:09,800
What?
You can keep it.
299
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:10,400
Are you serious?
I've written a letter to the court,
300
00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:14,400
it's all been taken care of.
Oh, Wendy!
301
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:15,040
I don't believe it.
302
00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:17,240
Well, it's true.
303
00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:18,040
Wendy...
304
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:20,640
Oh, Wendy, all is forgiven!
305
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:23,640
Well, I wouldn't go that far!
306
00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:27,120
But I want to make everyone happy,
so I'm giving everybody here
307
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,920
who feels that, for whatever reason
or another, they have some
308
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:33,720
connection to one of the FICTIONAL
characters in my book... Terry?
309
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:39,400
A one-off, without prejudice,
payment of £3,000 each.
310
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:42,800
If you could just sign and date
at the bottom.
311
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:44,640
Oh, Wendy!
312
00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:45,440
Wendy...
313
00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:48,640
..you don't have to do this,
you know?
314
00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:49,600
Yes, she does!
315
00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:51,800
Well...
316
00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:53,920
This is more than generous of you,
isn't it, Phil?
317
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:57,240
So we're being bought off, are we?
318
00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:58,200
Well, I'm happy with that.
319
00:15:58,280 --> 00:15:59,400
Yes, so am I. Wendy?
320
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:01,000
Yes, Roger?
321
00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:03,920
Will you remarry me?
322
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,600
Sorry, Roger, but as it happens,
323
00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:07,880
I'm getting married to someone else.
324
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:11,920
Terry and I are engaged.
325
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:14,720
Oh, congratulations!
Congratulations.
326
00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:19,640
QUEENIE: Ooh, a lovely ring!
327
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:21,280
Have you set a date for the wedding?
328
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:29,640
This is it, I think.
329
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:32,800
ROGER AS PUPPET: This is for you,
Georgie, now that Roger's rich.
330
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:34,480
You tell Roger, it won't last long.
331
00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:38,240
KNOCKS ON DOOR
332
00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:41,320
CHILDREN SCREAMING
Hello, I'm Georgina. We're a bit...
333
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:42,400
Thank goodness!
334
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:44,800
We're a wee bit early.
Oh, the sooner the better.
335
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:48,600
Come in. It's totes an uprising,
they've already trashed the kitchen.
336
00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:50,320
KIDS SCREAM
337
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,600
Are you the giant?
338
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:56,720
Pathetic! Totally pathetic!
339
00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:59,600
CHILDREN CHANT "PATHETIC"
340
00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:03,240
HE MAKES SCARY NOISES
341
00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:04,120
CHILDREN SCREAM
342
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:07,440
I'm afraid they're all rather
high-spirited.
343
00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:08,720
That's how we like them.
344
00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:14,080
Yes, they taste better then.
345
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:19,720
We've moved everything
out of the room.
346
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:23,320
As I said,
they're a pretty rowdy bunch!
347
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:25,920
And spoilt rotten, of course!
348
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:28,000
But I imagine you've had
lots of experience?
349
00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:30,320
Oh, yes.
350
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:31,520
Ex-SAS, me.
351
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:34,400
Really?
352
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:34,640
Jolly good!
353
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:36,600
KIDS CONTINUE SCREAMING
354
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:39,040
Erm, I was thinking along the lines
of a nice fairy tale,
355
00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:41,120
with some wholesome,
traditional values?
356
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,640
Something that might
calm them down a bit,
357
00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:46,640
and leave a warm,
gentle impression.
358
00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:48,240
Make them a bit calmer.
359
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:52,800
Exactly what we aim to do.
Oh, yes.
360
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:54,120
AS PUPPET: I'll try not to bite
too hard.
361
00:17:58,200 --> 00:17:59,600
PUPPET: Hello!
362
00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:02,520
My name is Methu-u-u-u-uselah.
363
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:05,200
KIDS CHEER
364
00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:06,120
And this is Methuselah!
365
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,640
I've just said that,
you don't need to say it again.
366
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:13,800
He's a crocodile! Yes, he is.
And he's a very nice crocodile...
367
00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:14,600
..most of the time.
What?
368
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:18,240
But sometimes,
he gets into a terrible temper.
369
00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:19,600
I don't.
Yes, you do.
370
00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:20,000
I don't, I don't!
371
00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:22,800
I do-o-o-o-o-a-a-a-a-agh!
372
00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:24,120
See what I mean?
373
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:27,520
KIDS: Yeah!
374
00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:32,520
Now, the wicked giant is hiding
here somewhere...
375
00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:32,720
Ooh...
376
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:36,440
His name's Bob!
377
00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:39,120
ROARING AND CLATTERING
Shh!
378
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:41,240
Do you know what that is?
379
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:44,120
That's the sound...
380
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:45,920
..of Bob the Giant eating something.
381
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:50,000
Oh! He's always eating something!
382
00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:53,840
Sometimes, he eats crocodi-i-i-les.
383
00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:56,680
OFFSTAGE: Yum! Yum! Yum!
384
00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:01,720
GEORGIE GASPS
385
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:03,200
RASPY BREATHING
386
00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:03,720
I...
387
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:08,640
..am starving!
388
00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:10,720
Sta-a-a-a-arving!
389
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:13,120
LONG LIVE GIANTS!
390
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:15,040
PIERCING SCREAM
391
00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:18,640
CHAOTIC COMMOTION
392
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:20,120
Calm down! No...
393
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:21,440
Ah!
394
00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:23,320
Argh!
395
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:23,680
Dad!
396
00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:31,200
Oh, well...
397
00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:34,800
..there goes another
potential revenue stream.
398
00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:35,120
You're not suggesting giving up?
399
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:37,720
Hell, yeah!
Even I'm not that stupid.
400
00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:41,000
AS PUPPET: Oh, yes, you are..
401
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,400
Pay us anything? Amazingly, yeah,
the full whack.
402
00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:45,240
As long as we left quickly.
403
00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:49,120
That's great!
You're not getting any.
404
00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:50,320
You're awful like your mother
sometimes.
405
00:19:56,680 --> 00:20:00,720
Ah! Dugdale.
406
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:03,640
Congratulations.
Thank you!
407
00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:03,800
You've got a bargain.
408
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:04,720
The house, the cat, or Sandra?
409
00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:09,240
Well...the lot - a bumper bargain.
410
00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:10,040
You're right!
Yes.
411
00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:13,840
But, erm...I have a little bone
to pick with you.
412
00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:15,240
Tell me. Well...
413
00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:19,520
..Edith and I will be getting
married the second week of October,
414
00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:20,800
and you and Sandra are getting
hitched on the first week.
415
00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:23,800
I mean, it's not really
very good form, is it?
416
00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:27,120
You're quite wrong.
No, no. No, I'm right.
417
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:29,000
I mean, we've been planning this
for a long time.
418
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:31,520
Can't you wait a bit?
It's not true.
419
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:33,520
No?
We haven't booked a date yet.
420
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:36,320
It's Sandra winding you up.
421
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:40,000
Is it? I thought you'd recognise
the signs by now.
422
00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:45,640
How extraordinary.
Why would she do that?
423
00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:46,600
I can't imagine!
424
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:47,000
Well, erm...
425
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:49,840
..let me just warn you.
426
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:51,000
What about? I've...
427
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:56,600
..been in this family for some time
now, and you're just about to...
428
00:20:56,680 --> 00:21:01,840
I have to tell you,
it's not always plain sailing.
429
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:04,400
Ah. Are you referring to Roger?
Well, that's part of the problem.
430
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:09,040
Only part? Well, why do you think
Edith and I are running...
431
00:21:09,120 --> 00:21:09,840
..erm, moving away?
432
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:14,800
Look, let me be blunt...
Mm?
433
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:17,400
Change the locks, bar the windows,
reinforce the gate.
434
00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:22,120
Trade in this overly-friendly
animal with some creature
435
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,280
with serious deterrent capabilities.
436
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:26,600
What I'm going to do... Uh-huh?
..I'm going to go out,
437
00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:31,120
buy a book on how to build a moat...
438
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:32,440
..then I'm going to buy a dragon.
439
00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:32,600
Terrific!
440
00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:34,720
Get a big one.
441
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:41,720
I thought he'd enjoy that.
442
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:46,800
I can't believe you kept
all this to yourself.
443
00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:52,520
This HUGE thing.
I wasn't keeping it to myself!
444
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:53,200
I always thought...
445
00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:56,240
Well, you and I have always
been able to talk about everything.
446
00:21:56,320 --> 00:22:00,320
And for a long time, there was
nothing to talk about.
447
00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:02,840
And then...
448
00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:03,240
..something happened.
449
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:05,800
What?
450
00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:08,320
It changed.
451
00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:11,720
When I wasn't looking,
from nothing to...
452
00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:14,240
..everything.
453
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:16,240
Oh, Sandra!
454
00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:20,640
I'm so happy for you.
SANDRA CHUCKLES
455
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:24,680
He's such a lovely man!
Mm.
456
00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:27,120
And a bloody lucky one.
457
00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:29,480
Yes, bloody lucky.
458
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:34,600
But...this has nothing to do
with my...?
459
00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:40,720
You banging on and on
about me being on my own?
460
00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:43,000
Nothing at all.
461
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:44,720
Trust me.
462
00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:46,840
I have been worrying...
463
00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:48,240
..a bit. Mum...
464
00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:50,920
..what else would you be doing...
465
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:51,840
..but worrying?
466
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:54,920
THEY LAUGH
467
00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:22,400
ROGER AS PUPPET: Georgie?
468
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:24,680
What?
Do you like Roger?
469
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:27,440
He's OK.
470
00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:30,480
Oh. Just OK?
471
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:34,000
He likes you a lot.
472
00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:37,000
Does he?
473
00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:40,000
I think he fancies yo-o-ou...
474
00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:40,720
Uh-huh.
475
00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:45,200
I'm sure he does.
476
00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:46,120
What makes you think that?
477
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,720
He told me.
478
00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:52,720
Mm. He said,
479
00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:55,240
"I REALLY fancy Georgie.
480
00:23:55,320 --> 00:23:59,000
"I think she's lovely."
481
00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:01,520
Oh.
482
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:03,600
I mean, that's pretty
straightforward, isn't it?
483
00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:06,640
Ha...unambiguous.
484
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:08,520
Well, he's not said anything to me.
485
00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:12,920
He's shy.
486
00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:17,120
And what does that make you?
487
00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:19,920
The go-between?
488
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:23,400
It does.
489
00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:24,840
And how did he manage before you?
490
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:28,320
What?
With Wendy.
491
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:30,520
Oh!
492
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:31,520
Er, Mr Spongy!
493
00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:33,880
Mr Spongy?
494
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:38,120
Well, he's, er...
He's self-explanatory.
495
00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:43,720
And Mr Spongy was the go-between?
496
00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:47,240
In those days, he was.
497
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:47,800
And what happened to him?
498
00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:48,600
He...
499
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:51,280
..retired.
500
00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:57,400
It's all just a wee bit weird,
isn't it?
501
00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:01,400
Yes, I suppose it is.
502
00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:03,840
The thing is, Methuselah....
503
00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:05,800
..I think I prefer you.
504
00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:07,720
What?
GASPS
505
00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:12,800
GEORGIE SIGHS
506
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:14,240
NORMAL VOICE: What do you think
that means?
507
00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:16,400
PUPPET VOICE: Er, it means,
I think,
508
00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:20,800
you've bitten off
more than you can chew.
509
00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:21,320
NORMAL VOICE: Hm.
510
00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:23,320
What should I do?
511
00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:23,600
PUPPET VOICE: Head for the hills.
512
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:26,600
NORMAL VOICE: What are you doing?
513
00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:29,800
PUPPET VOICE: I'm staying...
514
00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:30,320
..right here! Ha-ha-ha!
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