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MUSIC: Have I The Right?
by The Honeycombs
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So, you still haven't sold yet?
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No, no. No. How come?
4
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Well, it's cursed.
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Simple as that. It's a nice house,
good location, wonderful garden.
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You've made inquiries?
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Yes. You might be interested?
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Hmm...I could be, yes, I could be.
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Good. Well, it's a big house,
you know? I mean, er...
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And if you mind my saying so, erm...
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..you're no spring chicken.
Well, precisely.
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Most of my friends are downsizing,
which makes it impossible to resist
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going in the opposite direction.
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Mm, well, if it's perversity
you're after...
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..I could always double the price?
Splendid! Very decent of you.
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Yeah, and there's lots of stairs
for when you get old and doddery.
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That's the sort of thing.
And when you're in a wheelchair,
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it'll be a nightmare. Now you're
really whetting my appetite.
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Oh, me too. So, do you want, erm...
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..to inspect the premises?
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Ah, yes, I'd love to, but perhaps
later in the week, is that OK?
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Yeah, yeah, sure. Give me a call.
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I wouldn't, er...wouldn't like you
to think you were getting a bargain.
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DUGDALE CHUCKLES
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Phil? Hm?
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It's nice to have you back.
PHIL CHUCKLES
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Any sign of Joan?
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I heard her go in the bathroom
about half an hour ago.
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Yes, she's awfully fond of
the bathroom.
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She blames it on the war.
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She says she spent it looking
for a "comfortable lavatory".
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What rubbish!
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She was three when the war ended.
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And they were living with Gran in
a very comfortable house in Fife.
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Oh, that's what she said.
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I think it's what's known as
a false memory, or as we say,
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a load of old cobblers.
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I think I should tell you, she's
changing her will...
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..and leaving everything to me.
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EDITH SIGHS
I've lost track of the number of
people she's changed her will for.
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Morning, Queenie.
Morning, Phil.
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BOTH: M-m-mwah!
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Do you want me to stay in the
kitchen and get on your nerves?
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Or shall I make a start
in the sitting room?
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The latter, please.
Righty-ho!
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Just so we have a frank and open
understanding about it.
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Always helpful.
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I discovered that when I was in
marriage counselling in Tasmania.
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Ah, that was a turning point
in world history, wasn't it?
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Mm, well, I'm glad you're better.
Better?
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Oh, you're referring to my little
bout of temporary, prolonged,
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inexplicable memory loss, right?
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Yes, I'd forgotten all about that.
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Thank you. Thank you for reminding
me. Yes, I am better.
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Better than I think I was, erm...
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..what was your name again? See,
that's what I like about Phil...
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He's always got a sense of humour!
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Even in adversity.
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Like now.
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At least she clears off these days.
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Got something right.
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Yes, I pay her extra to do that.
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THEY LAUGH
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So, where's Joan?
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In the bathroom. Well, that gives
us a couple of hours on our own.
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Now, the good news....
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Dugdale...is interested.
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In the house?! Yes!
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Really? Did he say that?! Really!
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Hee-hee!
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Ah, now, what's the bad news?
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The bad news is the surveyor's
report - we've got dry rot
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in the roof timbers.
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Oh, Phil!
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Dry rot.
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That was quick. What was?
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Never mind.
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Oh, dear... Dry rot - that's not
a good sign, is it?
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No, you could say that. No mention
of death-watch beetle?
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Very hard to spot.
81
00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:03,720
Well, that's probably why
there's no mention of it.
82
00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:06,440
You're never going to sell that
house, are you? It's jinxed.
83
00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:09,200
No, you're right.
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And I think that you and your coven
put a curse on it.
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Tea? Toast?
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Are there any kippers?
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Kippers? You don't like kippers.
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I love kippers!
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When we went to Whitby, we all had
kippers every day. Except you.
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Well, one's tastes change as one
gets older, don't they?
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Yes. Yes, they do.
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When I was young, I used to love raw
whale blubber and apricot jam,
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and now I can't even THINK of it
without wanting to throw up.
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PHIL MAKES RETCHING NOISE
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Phil! Hm?
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If you're going out for kippers,
we need some lavatory paper,
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preferably not the kind
impregnated with lanolin.
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It brings me out in a rash.
Right, I'm off.
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Bye!
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Edith, are you sure about Phil?
What do you mean?
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Well, I mean, selling up
and going away and all that.
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Is it wise? Is he a reliable man?
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Phil is the most reliable man
i've ever met.
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The ones who convince you of that
are usually the most untrustworthy.
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Not Phil. What if you change
your mind when you get there,
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wherever it is you're going,
and you've burnt all your boats?
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What if you decide you can't stand
the sight of each other?
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Joan, you're envious!
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No way! He's not my type at all.
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I just want you to think
carefully before it's too late.
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You know i've always looked after
you, Edith. News to me!
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I'm going to see my solicitor
next week.
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I intend to change my will
and leave you everything...
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Joan, please, not again!
..before I die.
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I don't want you to leave me
anything!
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I don't need it, I don't want it,
and nobody's dying!
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Have it your way, you always do,
but remember, you can
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always change your mind.
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If I'm spared.
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00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:02,480
EDITH SIGHS
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So this is the only way on to it?
What about cars? Oh, you're kidding!
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It's just a bunch of artists
and hippies
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and I'm in somebody's garden.
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Wow! This is great!
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Much better than your last place.
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Oh, bags better.
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He's going to be
back at the end of the month,
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so I'll be moving along again.
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I could be really happy
if I lived in a place like this.
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What's up, Roger?
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Do you think Georgie's
ever coming back?
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I mean, she just disappeared.
That's Georgie for you.
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Oh, you're not sweet on her,
are you? No.
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She's a great kid, but you know,
you'd be better off taking up
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00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:03,720
skydiving without a parachute,
trust me!
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Phil's got dry rot.
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Is it itchy?
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No, no, in his roof.
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The surveyor's report, yeah.
He's never going to sell it now.
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I could give him
a bit of advice on that, you know,
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for a consideration,
save him a few bob.
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I don't think he's going to
listen to you, Bob. You tell him.
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Tell him what? He hasn't got dry
rot. The surveyor wants a bribe.
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You're telling me
there's no such thing as dry rot?
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Well, it's very rare these days.
Unlike bribery and corruption.
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So you think that Phil should give
the surveyor a bribe?
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If he wants to get over
this particular hurdle
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and sell his house, aye!
149
00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:47,840
But what if this is one of these
rare occasions
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when there actually is dry rot
and Phil offers him a bribe?
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What's the problem? He's going
to get into trouble, isn't he?
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I don't believe it.
Don't believe what?
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That it's all a trick
and the surveyor wants a bribe.
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How much do you want to bet?
A fiver.
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See, you don't look very confident.
Let's make it 20.
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How can we tell, anyway,
one way or the other?
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Just go and have a look. What?
In Phil's roof?! You're kidding!
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I don't even know what dry rot
looks like. Do you?
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Aye, the timber gets all crumbly
and anyway, you won't find any.
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And then, you just go and tell Phil
that it's a bribery situation
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and he rewards you
handsomely for saving him a packet.
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You always make it sound so easy.
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It is, Roger,
if you've got the confidence!
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Joan, how are you?
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Trying to make the best I can of it.
You look well to me.
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Then you need your eyes tested.
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Is Edith here?
She just popped round to the shops.
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She'll be back in a minute.
Well, I am a bit early.
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You're looking so much better
since you left Roger.
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00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:03,800
Oh, well, he left me actually.
But yes, um, now we're divorced,
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yes, things are better.
I always felt so sorry for you.
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Oh? Being married to that
little twerp. Yes, well...
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How can you have failed
to notice within two
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minutes of meeting him that
he was a total train wreck?
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Are you saying that
I have no one to blame but myself?
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I am constantly amazed by what women
are prepared to put up with
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00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:27,120
by way of husbands.
Roger was scarcely house-trained!
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00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:30,920
Yes, well, he wasn't perfect,
but it wasn't all bad.
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00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,040
I mean,
he had some good points and, well,
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00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:37,800
we were young and inexperienced.
Yes, and he took advantage of you.
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We were happy for a few years,
really happy.
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Well, I suppose you had to lie to
yourself. Sometimes, it was fun.
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Until it wasn't.
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I'm going to have to go.
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00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:51,400
Well, I'm seeing my solicitor
next week. Oh?
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00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:55,200
Mm, I'm going
to leave you something in my will.
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00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:57,520
Oh, Joan, um, that's really
kind of you, but I don't...
188
00:09:57,600 --> 00:10:02,520
No, it's only right,
under the circumstances.
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Finally! Oh! Better late than never!
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Sorry. Got stuck in a queue.
191
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I've just got here.
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Kippers!
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Right, Wendy, good to see you,
194
00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:19,080
finally looking happy!
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00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:22,040
Cuppa?
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00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:25,000
Oh, Wendy!
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00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:29,520
I've just been remembering some good
times with Roger. Oh, really?
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00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:33,800
Yeah, took me by surprise, too!
199
00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:36,400
How are you, Edith? Oh,
I'm very well. And what about you?
200
00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:40,920
Sandra tells me you're writing
a children's book. Trying to, yes!
201
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:46,400
And you're visiting the zoo a lot?
Yes, for research. What's it about?
202
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:49,920
Um, well, I'm not entirely sure yet,
but I think it's going to be
203
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:53,240
about a family of animals that
are struggling to make their way
204
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,000
through life and trying to make
sense of everything,
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00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:58,800
but realising that they haven't
got a clue and never will!
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00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:01,720
Sounds a bit like us!
207
00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:05,800
Does it? Oh, no!
No, no, no, not at all.
208
00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:08,520
Gosh, no!
209
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:15,400
Wendy has no business
bothering you about me.
210
00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:15,640
Is that why she came round?
211
00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:20,800
No. She still pops in now and again.
212
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:23,320
And we were just talking about
this and that and it came up.
213
00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:27,600
What did? The fact that she's
a bit worried about you.
214
00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:31,640
And now she's got you worried about
me! Well, that's what mums are for.
215
00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:34,920
She is a pest! I've been bending
over backwards to help her.
216
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:39,600
And she's very grateful.
But now, she wants to help you.
217
00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:42,240
She says you've got
a permanent cough
218
00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:45,920
and that you look miserable
and exhausted.
219
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:51,440
And late one night, she found
you in the salon, crying. Snoring!
220
00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:52,040
I was asleep! And I was snoring.
221
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:55,920
I don't think Wendy knows
how bloody hard I work!
222
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:57,720
Nor, it seems, the difference
between crying and snoring!
223
00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:58,800
Sandra, stop.
224
00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:03,400
It's not just Wendy.
Give me some credit.
225
00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:04,520
Something's making you unhappy.
226
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:11,720
I'm thinking about getting a dog.
227
00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:14,200
A dog?
228
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:14,640
For company.
229
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:18,120
Isn't that a bit...second best?
230
00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:19,320
Yes, it is.
231
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:21,400
But I haven't got room for a horse.
232
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:26,520
Another slice? No, thank you.
233
00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:29,320
Well, I'm going to.
It's rather good.
234
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:31,280
And that's another thing. What is?
235
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:35,200
Nothing.
236
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:35,640
Mum,
237
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I'm keeping up my weight
238
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:41,280
so that there's no need for you
to worry about me getting too thin.
239
00:12:56,880 --> 00:13:01,200
I'm not worried.
Things will sort themselves out.
240
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:04,600
I just want you to be happy,
that's all. I know.
241
00:13:04,680 --> 00:13:07,120
Oh, hello, Jack! Hi, Edith, Sandra.
242
00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:10,440
Wow! Bertie has grown
since I last saw him.
243
00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:13,800
He has and he's still at it.
I can hardly get him in the car now.
244
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:16,920
I'm on the lookout for a small bus!
245
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:21,720
He's a gorgeous woofer, aren't you?
Beautiful woofer!
246
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,920
Sandra's thinking of getting a dog.
247
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:25,440
Oh, really?
248
00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:27,600
Well, it's just a thought.
249
00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:28,520
What sort of breed?
250
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:32,600
I haven't quite decided.
251
00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:34,520
All I know is that I'm not awfully
keen on the type that
252
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,520
wave their tails in the air,
you know, and display their bums.
253
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:39,120
Don't they all do that?!
254
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:42,240
Yes, well, you're eliminating
quite a few there.
255
00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:45,600
Well, I must be off.
Phil's expecting me. Ooh! Come on.
256
00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:47,240
Come on now.
257
00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:51,640
Sit down. I'll leave you two to
discuss woofers! Bye! Bye, Edith.
258
00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:51,920
Mum?
259
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:53,480
I'll call you.
260
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:03,800
God, I must... I must get going,
too.
261
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:05,640
Yes, you must be busy.
262
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:06,600
In the swim.
263
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:09,640
Unlike me. Man of leisure.
264
00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:11,520
Don't you miss it, medicine?
265
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:13,000
Making a real difference?
266
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:14,640
Saving lives?
267
00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:17,000
I suppose when I first retired,
I did a bit, but...
268
00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:18,600
yes, and sometimes I miss it now,
269
00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:21,640
but, you know, it didn't take me
long to realise
270
00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:24,920
that my contribution
to the nation's welfare
271
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:29,600
was very limited. Aw!
You're being modest. Not at all, no.
272
00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:32,520
I think that most people get ill
273
00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:37,440
because they're either
lonely or unhappy. Oh.
274
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:39,520
Well, how do you fix that, then?
275
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:40,280
That's a good question.
276
00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:48,200
Make sure they've got a bit of cash.
Hope that the sun comes out.
277
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:52,600
I mean, there are no easy answers,
are there? Pet therapy.
278
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:56,680
Ah, well, now you're talking.
Yes, pet therapy.
279
00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:00,040
Well, um,
we're usually here about this time,
280
00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:02,800
if you happen to be passing.
If you fancy a bit of pet therapy,
281
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:07,640
I'm sure that Bertie will be
delighted to see you.
282
00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:10,440
Great.
283
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:12,800
Well, um, see you.
284
00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:16,520
In the meantime, I'll make
a list of those breeds that, um,
285
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,920
don't go around with
their tails in the air.
286
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:22,040
Thank you very much!
287
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:24,640
THEY CHUCKLE
288
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:27,640
Bertie, what are you doing?
289
00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:29,520
You go back to Jack.
290
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:32,040
I think he's taken
a shine to you. Come on.
291
00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:35,120
Come on now, there's a good boy.
Bye.
292
00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:52,320
SHE SIGHS
293
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:55,400
No.
294
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:34,520
Your sister tells me
she's going to change her will
295
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:38,640
and leave everything to me.
And what did you say? Well, nothing.
296
00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:42,920
Do you think
I should have resisted a bit?
297
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,440
You know, shilly-shallied for a
while for the sake of decorum?
298
00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:46,400
No.
299
00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:50,440
I assume she's already promised it
to Roger and Sandra? And Queenie?
300
00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:54,200
Queenie?! She's not even a member
of the family!
301
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:54,800
You'll have to challenge
that in the courts.
302
00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:59,440
I'm seeing my solicitor tomorrow.
Good.
303
00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:01,840
DOORBELL RINGS
Who the hell's that?
304
00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:03,440
It's Ann Renfrew. Who?
305
00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:06,720
She's a debt collector.
306
00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:08,800
Debt collector?
307
00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:12,400
Are we in debt? Not that...
It's that bloody Roger!
308
00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:13,040
DOORBELL RINGS
309
00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:16,120
Round my way, we hide
when the debt collector comes
310
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:20,120
and pretend we're out.
Not for Roger, we don't.
311
00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:31,400
I'm sorry to disturb you, but is
Mrs Joan Allen living here? Joan?
312
00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:33,320
Oh, dear!
313
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:45,280
Are you sure he's not here?
Yeah, yeah. He's at Mum's.
314
00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:04,440
Now, Bob, you just stay down there.
You're still meant to be taking
315
00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:10,400
things easy. Just, um,
leave it to me. OK, Captain!
316
00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:14,520
Oh, what you doing?
317
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:22,040
Ah! No Bertie? Not a huge fan
of the house tour. Ah, okey-doke.
318
00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:23,880
Come on in.
319
00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:27,920
See? Nothing.
320
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:29,520
Absolutely nothing.
321
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:34,280
Wait a minute.
What's that dark patch over there?
322
00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:38,640
Oh, a bit of wet rot from way back.
323
00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:42,200
Nothing to worry about.
They fixed that years ago.
324
00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:43,200
Another enormous room.
325
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:47,800
Vital for the ballooning
heating bill.
326
00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:50,920
You'll have to take a new job.
327
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,520
I would.
It could be the making of me.
328
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:55,400
Thank you.
329
00:18:55,480 --> 00:19:01,640
Now, that's Deirdre.
She comes with the house. Ah!
330
00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:07,400
In fact, the buyer will have to
sign a contract agreeing to keep
331
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,800
her here for the rest of her life
332
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:12,320
and in the style to which
she has become accustomed.
333
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:16,040
Oh. In fact,
the asking price is for the cat.
334
00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:20,920
The house comes free with it.
Sounds very reasonable. Mm. Now...
335
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:24,680
..your dog. Ah!
336
00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:29,840
I'm sure he'll be in awe of her,
but if she condescends occasionally
337
00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:32,400
to be nice to him,
even gives him modicum of respect,
338
00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:35,720
I'm sure they'll
get on very well indeed.
339
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:38,840
Now, she likes prawns
with surprisingly large
340
00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:41,400
quantities of mayonnaise.
PURRING
341
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:46,200
Right, I'll give you
a tour of the upstairs now.
342
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:52,600
Ah, what's that?
CREAKING
343
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:54,320
Watch where you're
putting your feet!
344
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:56,600
Like a crab, not like
a prima ballerina!
345
00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:03,520
Here's one more not very cosy
and rather pokey bedroom.
346
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:03,640
Sshh!
347
00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:06,240
What?
348
00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:09,320
It's Phil. Argh!
349
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:12,120
How many is that?
I've lost count. Downstairs.
350
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:17,280
This is what estate agents insist
on calling the master bedroom.
351
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:21,520
Good God!
352
00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:23,440
Oh, Roger!
353
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:26,520
You numpty!
354
00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:36,800
And there's a very good view of
the road over there, obviously,
355
00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:39,320
number 32. Lovely.
356
00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:44,600
And this...is a very
interesting feature.
357
00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:48,320
Yes, yes, and a perfect opportunity
for me to introduce you to my
358
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:51,040
future stepson.
359
00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:53,000
Morning, Roger!
360
00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:56,280
BADLY DISGUISED VOICE: There's
no-one up here called Roger.
361
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:01,520
Really? No-one!
362
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,320
I'm a workman.
363
00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:03,640
Methuselah!
364
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:05,520
Who's up there with you?
365
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:10,040
Methuselah?
366
00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:12,480
Someone who says he's
definitely not a Roger.
367
00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:20,640
Promise me you won't tell Mum?
368
00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:22,840
Yes, yes. Thank you.
369
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:24,720
You know what this
means, don't you? Mm?
370
00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:28,200
I'm going to have to
raise the price.
371
00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:30,680
Oh, that seems more than reasonable.
Do the legs come with the house?
372
00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:50,400
Your mum seems a bit worried about
you. Mum worries for England!
373
00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:55,200
What did she say about me? Nothing,
truly, just an impression. Right.
374
00:21:57,520 --> 00:21:59,680
She's an exceptionally good
woman, your mum. Mm, I know.
375
00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:03,800
Do you see each other often?
Once or twice a week.
376
00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:06,480
Speak on the phone most days.
377
00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:11,200
And how do you feel about her going?
378
00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:11,720
Well, whatever makes her happy.
379
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:15,720
You'll miss her.
380
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:19,840
I will.
381
00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:21,800
It's beginning to get
you down, isn't it,
382
00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:25,280
the thought of her not being here?
383
00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:30,880
Yes, it is.
384
00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:36,000
Bertie? There.
385
00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:40,520
Pet therapy.
386
00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:46,800
Oh, Bertie!
387
00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:56,640
Such a fuss about nothing.
388
00:22:56,720 --> 00:23:01,200
Is £4,327 nothing?
389
00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:01,920
In the general scheme of things.
390
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:06,200
In the general scheme of
things, it wasn't your money.
391
00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:08,040
Well, i've paid it now. No,
no. I've paid it now.
392
00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:11,120
Joan, you got us really worried.
393
00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:15,640
How can you go for a whole year
without opening any of your post?
394
00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:17,240
Well, most of it's junk.
395
00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:21,120
And I like to keep my house tidy.
What? By chucking it all away?!
396
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:25,720
It just got mixed up.
It's a horrible job. What is?
397
00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:27,040
Debt collecting.
398
00:23:27,120 --> 00:23:32,440
I tried it once. In Tasmania?
Yeah, how did you guess?
399
00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:37,200
I lasted ten days. I couldn't
get the threat level right.
400
00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:40,040
That's what they call it -
the threat level.
401
00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:42,400
I was trained, it was all very
clever, psychological, but
402
00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:49,600
then I'd go round and threaten some
poor unfortunate and they'd
403
00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:50,920
just laugh at me.
LAUGHTER
404
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:53,800
After a bit, I started
laughing, too.
405
00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:54,200
They gave me the sack.
406
00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:58,600
Lots of sunshine in Tasmania.
407
00:23:58,680 --> 00:23:59,000
Absolutely no! No one's
going to Tasmania!
408
00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:04,920
Roger! What's happened?
409
00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:08,440
A road accident. I got knocked
over on a zebra crossing.
410
00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:13,920
You've been to the hospital? Yes.
Yes, it's nothing serious.
411
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,040
Did anyone call the
police? I don't think so.
412
00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:21,200
So, nothing serious,
but being knocked over
413
00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:23,800
on a zebra crossing sounds serious.
It was a milk float. A milk float?
414
00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:27,240
Oh!
415
00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:28,040
Got its number? No.
416
00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:29,400
Oh. Why not?
417
00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:33,120
It was too fast.
418
00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:34,520
It was going too fast. Yeah,
it was a runaway milk float.
419
00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:37,840
Ah! A hit and run milk float!
420
00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:40,320
Oh, I see. Any witnesses?
421
00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:43,880
Could I have a cup of tea, please,
Mum? Yes. Queenie? Oh, sit down.
422
00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:50,600
So, no witnesses and where was this?
I was somewhere in town.
423
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:54,400
Somewhere in town where all the
witnesses had been poisoned
424
00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:56,520
by Russian holidaymakers?
425
00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:59,600
Phil!
Phil, he's in shock! Look at him!
426
00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:02,920
Yes, they said I had to
go straight to bed.
427
00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:12,200
Phil! You could see the state he was
in. You were a bit rough with him.
428
00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:16,920
Edith, erm, something happened today
that I didn't tell you about.
429
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:22,800
Um, Roger fell through
my bedroom ceiling.
430
00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:25,640
Why would he do that? Oh, i've
no idea. Perhaps he got lost.
431
00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:29,040
Maybe he was hiding
from the men in white coats.
432
00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:34,840
Or perhaps it was his expression
of his existentialist freedom in
433
00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:38,840
the context of the absurdity of
mankind's place in a
434
00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:41,400
meaningless universe.
435
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:45,600
Or he's completely lost it!
Or, perhaps, he just lost it.
436
00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:53,640
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH ON TV: Now
the lemmings' coats have finally
437
00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:57,800
turned white, a new upper layer has
been added to the lemming maze.
438
00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:02,520
In fact, a male has to put up with
a lot of feminine hostility,
439
00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:07,720
but since it also takes males
to make babies, the male's job
440
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:11,520
is simply to ignore the
abuse and persist. Yes!
35036
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