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1
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# Have I the right to hold you?
2
00:00:08,280 --> 00:00:12,280
# You know I've always told you
3
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# I've loved you from the very start
4
00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:19,360
# Come right back
5
00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:21,880
# I just can't bear it
6
00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:25,960
# I've got some love
and I long to share it
7
00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:29,880
# Come right back
Right back where you belong
8
00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:34,240
# Oh, yeah, you belong. #
9
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:44,360
So, he's sold, has he? Nope.
10
00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:47,600
Well, why are you
taking the sign down?
11
00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:49,600
It's on the NWTT list. The what?
12
00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:51,880
NWTT - Not Worth The Trouble.
13
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:54,360
He's a...
14
00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:56,480
..bit of a nutter, apparently.
A nutter?
15
00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:57,160
No, no, not at all. No, no, no, no.
16
00:00:57,240 --> 00:00:58,960
Quite the contrary.
Yeah? Mmm. Oh, well.
17
00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:03,000
We never get the whole story.
18
00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:04,200
I'm sure he's a lovely man. Ha-ha!
19
00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:05,240
I wouldn't go that far!
20
00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:11,760
SHE SIGHS
I wonder where he is.
21
00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:14,760
I put a lot of hard work
into that fiasco!
22
00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:15,360
He's not been himself
since it happened.
23
00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:19,480
He's probably too ashamed
to show his face.
24
00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:20,760
Sandra, he loves that house!
25
00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:24,200
It's where he's lived
for most of his life.
26
00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:27,280
With Celia? Yes, with Celia.
27
00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:28,200
He's sensitive.
28
00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:31,560
It's easy to overlook that.
29
00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:32,480
He's so big.
30
00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:37,160
People... Well, some people
think because he's large,
31
00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:37,480
he lacks feelings.
32
00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:43,040
Oh, come on! Let's go round there,
see what's going on. Yes.
33
00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:00,960
AS PUPPET: How are you feeling now?
34
00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:02,360
Would you pack it in?!
35
00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:06,480
A wee bit of that thing goes
a long way. I'm not a thing.
36
00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:10,480
I want to get out of here now.
37
00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:11,280
Yeah, me too.
I've got to get organised.
38
00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:13,080
AS PUPPET: He's got guests coming.
Guests?
39
00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:16,080
Mmm, yeah. Two, Americans,
for three nights. B&B.
40
00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:19,080
What, you signed up online?
That was my idea.
41
00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:21,080
AS PUPPET: No, it wasn't.
Yes, it was.
42
00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:24,160
How much are you charging?
60 quid a night.
43
00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:28,160
Each? No, no, for a double.
And breakfast.
44
00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:30,360
Well, that's horribly cheap.
And it was my idea to tell you
45
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:32,280
to make the best of that spare room.
Did you tell your mum?
46
00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:34,760
No! Good man, well done.
47
00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:36,880
I'm just going to tell her
that they're friends.
48
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,880
10% will do, eh?
No way, I've got alimony to pay!
49
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:40,360
Oh, aye. Wendy.
50
00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:43,080
Nippy sweetie, eh?
51
00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:44,960
AS PUPPET: You have to say,
he had it coming.
52
00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:46,480
Oh, do shut up! Aye, shut up!
53
00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:49,680
The pair of you!
54
00:02:51,640 --> 00:02:53,600
I'm warning you!
55
00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:56,000
I know you think I'm being silly,
and I probably am, but...
56
00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:57,880
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Oh! Oh, thank God!
57
00:02:57,960 --> 00:02:59,480
Oh!
58
00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:02,760
SHE SIGHS
59
00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:04,760
Joan?
60
00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:08,360
Oh, dear, that does sound bad.
61
00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:12,800
Joan, stop it! You...
62
00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:15,360
You're welcome.
63
00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:18,600
It's fine,
the spare room's all yours.
64
00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:20,000
Yes, OK. See you later, then.
65
00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:22,480
That is all you need!
Just for a few days.
66
00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:25,600
What, like last time?
The builders are getting her down.
67
00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:27,600
Didn't she have
the builders last year?
68
00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:28,960
Well, it's next door's builders.
69
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:33,000
She thinks the neighbours
are trying to drive her out.
70
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,840
I'm with them!
71
00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:44,560
DOORBELL RINGS
72
00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:51,880
PIANO PLAYING
73
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,960
He can't hear the bell
because of the music!
74
00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:56,080
Now I am going to kill him!
75
00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,240
Join the queue!
76
00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:03,160
Phil?
77
00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:07,640
Phil?
78
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:17,360
Queenie? Oh, Edith!
79
00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:20,560
What are you doing here?
80
00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:23,760
Phil asked me to come round,
tidy the kitchen. When?
81
00:04:23,840 --> 00:04:27,160
When did he say that? Yesterday.
82
00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:28,200
After the estate agent left.
83
00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:30,760
I thought it was the least
I could do. Where is he?
84
00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:36,000
Well, isn't he with you?
Well, no, he hasn't turned up.
85
00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:37,800
Oh. Well, you know how he is.
86
00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:42,480
He always comes round at 11,
and if he can't, he lets me know.
87
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:44,200
I mean, it's not like him
to just... Disappear, no, it's not.
88
00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:47,080
He's not the disappearing type.
Have you...
89
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:50,680
been upstairs?
90
00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:19,360
I had a life-changing dream
last night.
91
00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:23,360
They don't keep you in long
these days, do they?
92
00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:26,160
It's a dream that
explains everything.
93
00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:26,360
Don't know why I'm still here.
94
00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:30,360
Bob, this is important!
95
00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,200
Hey, I'm the patient
in this scenario.
96
00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:34,200
You're just the visitor.
You wouldn't even be here
97
00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:37,280
if it wasn't for me.
98
00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:39,800
I dreamt...
99
00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:41,080
that I was supposed to have
a twin brother...
100
00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:46,280
Eh?! ..but he died at birth.
And I woke up knowing, for certain,
101
00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:48,200
that that was true.
And that's why I've always felt
102
00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:52,560
there was something missing,
because there IS something missing.
103
00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:55,360
My twin brother.
104
00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:56,480
And your mum never
said anything? No.
105
00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:59,680
You never asked? Well, why would
I ask? I didn't know till now!
106
00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:04,200
That's why you've
substituted that thing!
107
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,560
What?
108
00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:08,960
Methuselah!
109
00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:13,240
It's a substitute
for your missing twin.
110
00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:24,840
Georgie! Hello, Da.
111
00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:28,960
I'm the daughter, Georgie.
112
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:31,600
Yeah, I'm the son, Roger.
113
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:33,080
Oh, Jesus!
114
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:39,160
No, sorry. No, I mean,
I'm his friend, Roger.
115
00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:42,760
Shame, I've always wanted
a brother. Oh, dear God!
116
00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:43,200
I didn't know you had a daughter.
117
00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:45,680
I don't!
118
00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:48,200
She disowned me. Rubbish!
He's ashamed of me.
119
00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:51,200
I'm not!
120
00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:55,480
I see you're still going for the
day-release-from-the-asylum look!
121
00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:57,480
There you go.
When it comes right down to it,
122
00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:58,280
my walk-on-the-wild-side Pa
123
00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:01,600
is about as unconventional
as a black pudding!
124
00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:03,960
ROGER CHUCKLES
How did you know I was here?
125
00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:06,840
Nobody has secrets any more,
Dad, not even you.
126
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:12,080
Are you OK? Aye, I'm fine!
127
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:15,960
They just put in this wee stent
thing. Nothing to fuss about.
128
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:23,760
Are you going to stay a wee while?
129
00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:24,600
For a bit, Dad, but... Oof.
130
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:27,400
..I've not found anywhere
to stay yet.
131
00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:31,760
Well, stay with him! He's got a B&B!
132
00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:31,880
£60 a night.
133
00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:34,200
I'm a bit full.
134
00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:35,560
AS PUPPET: You can sleep
in his room.
135
00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:38,000
No, thanks.
I'll move out, it'll be fine.
136
00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:42,000
Erm, you won't have to pay anything.
What about your...friend?
137
00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:45,360
AS PUPPET: Oh, where he goes, I go.
138
00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:46,680
Georgie loves animals.
139
00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:51,600
Not too keen on reptiles, though.
I'm not a real crocodile!
140
00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:52,960
You'd make a nice handbag.
141
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:54,280
Raargh!
142
00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:58,480
He was there last night,
but he hasn't taken
143
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:03,600
his car or his mobile,
that's it? Yeah, that's it.
144
00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:05,760
Well, it's not midday yet.
You're not listening properly!
145
00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:11,080
They set Big Ben by this man,
he's like one of them robots!
146
00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:13,280
Has there been a very
stressful event recently
147
00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:15,000
that might have upset him? Er, yes.
148
00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:17,360
He's, um, had trouble
selling his house.
149
00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:19,480
HE SIGHS
All right, well,
150
00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:22,400
maybe you could drop by
the station with a recent photo,
151
00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,680
if it turns out that Mr Parton
is still late for his lunch.
152
00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:38,080
Hi, yeah!
153
00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:39,600
Hi, hi! Ha-ha!
154
00:08:39,680 --> 00:08:41,080
Eric and Sue? Yes. Yeah.
155
00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:46,960
I'm Roger. Sorry, have you been
waiting ages? Er, no, just got here.
156
00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:48,600
Ahem... Did you ring the bell?
A few times. Great.
157
00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:52,560
That means that Mummy's not in,
which is incredibly lucky!
158
00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:53,680
Ahem...
159
00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:56,200
Erm... Oh, er, this is Methuselah.
160
00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:59,480
AS PUPPET: Hello. Hello.
Huh, cute.
161
00:08:59,560 --> 00:09:00,360
ROGER CHUCKLES
162
00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:04,440
AS PUPPET: You're too kind!
163
00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:15,080
Er, tea, coffee?
Ooh, cranberry juice?
164
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,880
Er... Hmm...
165
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,680
The icebox, maybe? Ahem...
166
00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:27,480
Er, water would be great! Yes.
167
00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:32,080
AS PUPPET: Water...! Raargh!
168
00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:36,400
Ahem... Now, my mother.
Yes, er, my mother,
169
00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:40,480
who might be here any minute.
Now, the thing is...
170
00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:42,680
Well, she's in denial. Thanks.
171
00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:43,200
Denial?
AS PUPPET: Denial...
172
00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:47,560
Yes. Now, so, we have to pretend -
just for Mum's sake -
173
00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:49,880
that you're not here for, er... Ha!
174
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:52,080
..online B&B.
175
00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:53,600
We do?
AS PUPPET: Yeah.
176
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:56,160
Mmm, mmm. She's very proud.
177
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:59,560
OK. See, last year, Uncle, erm...
178
00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:00,200
Olaf...
AS PUPPET: Huh?
179
00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:04,160
..he went bankrupt overnight.
Lost everything, the lot,
180
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:07,760
and Mum had to bail him out.
Oh, God, that's terrible!
181
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:08,960
Yeah, it was a real surprise,
you know? What was his business?
182
00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:11,080
AS PUPPET: Oh...
183
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:13,880
Apres-ski, er, sweaters.
184
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:15,480
Hmm. Oh. Yeah, very good sweaters.
185
00:10:15,560 --> 00:10:17,960
Yeah, very warm. Like, too warm!
And, what, with a warmer climate
186
00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:20,760
and, er, no snow,
nobody bought them.
187
00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,480
AS PUPPET: Oh...
What a shame!
188
00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:26,760
Yeah, yeah. So, er, now, Mum is
broke too and she can't face it.
189
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:29,160
So, if you don't mind,
190
00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:32,600
could you pretend to be old friends
of mine who've come to stay?
191
00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:34,200
That's fine by us.
192
00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:37,880
Isn't it, Rick? Sure.
AS PUPPET: Ooh!
193
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:40,600
Er, where did we meet? What?
194
00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:44,080
Erm, when and where
did we become friends?
195
00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:47,960
if your mom asks any questions,
we need a backstory,
196
00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:49,080
er, to make it more convincing.
We don't want to say
197
00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:52,880
the wrong thing. No, listen, look,
198
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:54,040
she isn't going to ask
too many probing questions.
199
00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:57,960
Just stay away from the subject
of online B&B. OK, got it!
200
00:10:58,040 --> 00:10:59,160
Er...
201
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:01,360
We're kind of jet-lagged,
202
00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:03,800
so we thought we might just lay down
for a couple of hours before...
203
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,880
Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure,
I'll show you to your room, yeah.
204
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:09,160
AS PUPPET: Er, don't forget
to give them their key
205
00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:10,480
and tell them about breakfast!
206
00:11:10,560 --> 00:11:11,000
So cute! Yeah, not always.
207
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:13,160
AS PUPPET: Roger's a moron!
208
00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:18,240
HE TAPS DOOR
209
00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:36,360
CAR DOOR SLAMS
210
00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:46,560
Oh, no!
211
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:51,960
No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
212
00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:53,680
Auntie Joan!
213
00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:57,080
Oh, hello, Roger.
You look like you've come to stay!
214
00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:59,400
Be a good lad, help me get
this stuff in, will you?
215
00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:03,560
No, no, wait, don't send him away!
What?! Er, you can't stay.
216
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:06,760
Erm, there's no room.
Oh, what are you talking about?!
217
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:08,880
Well, we're full. Erm, I've got
friends staying. Don't be silly!
218
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:11,680
I didn't know you were coming!
219
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:15,080
I spoke to your mother this morning.
She's expecting me. Oh, well,
220
00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:18,400
That doesn't stop her
expecting me, does it?!
221
00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:19,840
Stupid boy!
222
00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:34,000
Er, you'll have to sleep
in here. Here?
223
00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:35,080
On the sofa?
224
00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:37,880
Well, I'm not doing that.
Well, why not?!
225
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:41,160
Because I've got a bad back.
226
00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:42,600
And anyway, I'm just not.
Well, it's very comfortable.
227
00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:45,600
Um, I was going to sleep here,
but since I'm a gentleman,
228
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:48,880
I'm prepared to let you have it
229
00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:50,880
while I sleep in the
very uncomfortable shed.
230
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:53,000
What's wrong with your room?
231
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:54,880
Well... Someone else
is sleeping there. Who?
232
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:58,000
Another friend.
Who are all these friends?
233
00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:02,160
Well, it doesn't matter, anyway,
234
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:02,360
because I will be sleeping
where I always sleep -
235
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:05,680
in the spare room.
Now, perhaps you'd like to take
236
00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:08,880
my bags up, Roger? I've told you...
237
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:09,680
Someone else is in there.
238
00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:14,160
Now, this very minute? Yeah,
they're sleeping off the jet lag.
239
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,880
Roger...
240
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:18,480
I have worked in a psychiatric
hospital for 25 years.
241
00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:20,360
I have seen all sorts.
242
00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:25,880
Things that you would never believe.
243
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:29,160
But I have never come across
anyone as strange,
244
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:31,360
or as unaccountable as you.
245
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:34,880
Now, where is your mother?
I don't know.
246
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:36,400
Gallivanting, as usual, I suppose.
247
00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:38,080
She knew I was coming!
248
00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:43,160
A cup of tea wouldn't go amiss.
249
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:03,280
SHE KNOCKS ON DOOR
250
00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:08,240
What? What is it?
251
00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:09,680
Excuse me.
252
00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:12,360
Is Roger charging you
for the use of this room?
253
00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:14,200
No, absolutely not.
254
00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:16,080
We're friends.
255
00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:18,400
He wouldn't charge us.
256
00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:23,160
We offered to pay but, Rog,
he refused to take it.
257
00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:26,080
That's right.
258
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:29,680
Sorry to disturb you. No problem.
259
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:35,760
This is all getting
a little bit too weird for me.
260
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:36,680
Hey, this is England!
261
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:44,880
Ew!
262
00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:53,200
June! What are you doing?!
263
00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:56,000
I thought it smelt
a bit manky. Manky?!
264
00:14:56,080 --> 00:15:01,000
Queenie cleans it regularly.
And thoroughly.
265
00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:05,600
Well, I'm on antibiotics, so it
makes me hypersensitive to smells.
266
00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:07,680
EDITH SIGHS
Oh!
267
00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:11,400
Oh, Edith!
268
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:13,280
It'll be all right.
269
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:16,200
Oh, for goodness' sake,
I'm only wiping down the cooker!
270
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:18,600
There's no need to get so worked up!
271
00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:22,600
It's Phil. He's disappeared.
272
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:23,160
Disappeared?
273
00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:26,000
Since when? Last night.
274
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:28,040
Well, he's probably just
sleeping it off somewhere.
275
00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:32,360
Edith, why didn't you tell me
there was no room?
276
00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:35,400
I packed, brought my bags
and everything,
277
00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:39,000
and I'm not going back now. What
are you talking about, no room?!
278
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:42,800
The place is full of
Roger's friends.
279
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:45,680
Of course it isn't! What friends?
280
00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:49,880
There's two of them
in the spare room, as I speak,
281
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,480
in my bed, at this time of day!
282
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:55,360
Joan... Ask Roger.
He's in the shed, right now,
283
00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:58,080
getting it ready for
another charabanc-load of chums
284
00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:01,800
to come rolling up any minute,
I expect!
285
00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:03,400
You're being ridiculous.
286
00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:05,160
DOOR OPENS
287
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:07,960
Oh, hello, Mum. You're looking glum.
288
00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:10,880
What's up? It's Phil.
289
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:13,960
He's disappeared.
Vanished, without a trace!
290
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:16,800
The police are on the job.
291
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:19,080
What, trawling the river? Roger!
292
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:19,960
Did he leave a note?
No, he didn't leave a note!
293
00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:23,080
And Joan tells me you've put
someone in the spare room.
294
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:27,360
Well, it's only for three nights.
What, without telling me?!
295
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:28,960
Well, they're friends of mine.
Americans. Yeah, from America.
296
00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:34,080
What friends from America? Well, I
met them when I was on my gap year,
297
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:34,760
er, in Patagonia.
298
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:38,400
Patagonia? Patagonia?
Yeah, near Patagonia...
299
00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:39,960
Near Patagonia! Roger,
you never had a gap year.
300
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:42,080
You went straight into the bank.
301
00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:44,080
And I'm the one making things up?!
302
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:46,360
Well, wherever you met them,
they'll have to go.
303
00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:49,600
I've promised the room
to Auntie Joan.
304
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:51,680
Well, I can't just
throw them out! Roger!
305
00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:54,360
This is my home!
306
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:56,360
You can't just invite people to stay
307
00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:59,880
without talking to me first!
What were you thinking?!
308
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:00,960
Well, I'm sorry, Mum,
you know, it was just
309
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:02,080
a bit of a surprise. I wasn't
really expecting them so soon.
310
00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:05,000
And with Wendy's alimony
and everything else...
311
00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:07,200
They're paying guests!
312
00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:10,080
Only expenses! I knew it. I knew it!
313
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:13,640
The photo! I'll get it.
314
00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:17,040
DOORBELL RINGS
315
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:22,480
Is this Roger's house?
316
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:28,200
Roger's B&B? That's it.
Matter of debate right now,
317
00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:29,880
but come in, anyway!
318
00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:34,040
Anybody else?
319
00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:38,000
Hey, Roger. Hi.
320
00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:39,880
Good Lord!
321
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:42,960
Hi, everybody, I'm Georgie. Georgie
is Bob the Burglar's daughter.
322
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:45,880
Bob the Burglar?! Yeah, she's
come all the way from Glasgow
323
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:48,600
just to see her dad in hospital,
and now she's homeless.
324
00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:52,680
I wouldn't say homeless.
Hello, Georgie. I'm Edith.
325
00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:54,960
My sister, Joan. My son, Roger,
326
00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:58,000
who seems to be under the impression
that this is his house.
327
00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:02,600
I'm sorry to hear about your dad,
and you're welcome to stay,
328
00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:04,480
but I've no idea where,
329
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:07,200
since even the tool shed
seems to be spoken for!
330
00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:09,800
Er, this is Queenie.
Hang on, I'll come with you.
331
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:13,040
Er, no, I'd rather you stayed
and sorted this lot out.
332
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:17,160
Hi, er, we're heading out now, so...
333
00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:17,360
I told you!
334
00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:21,280
It's very good of you to put us
up like this, Mrs Stevens.
335
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:24,000
Oh, no, no, this is my mum!
336
00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:28,760
These are my friends, Rick and Sue.
In my room, in my bed!
337
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:30,000
This is my Auntie Joan,
this is my friend, Queenie.
338
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:32,800
Oh, and this is Georgie.
She's from Scotland!
339
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:36,000
Hi there.
BOTH: Nice to meet you all!
340
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:38,600
But this isn't actually a
bed-and-breakfast place.
341
00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:40,880
Indeed, not. Er, we know that.
No, we never thought it was.
342
00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:43,000
We're just friends with Roger.
343
00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:46,200
Mmm, they met in Patagonia.
Wow! Really?
344
00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:49,200
Erm...
345
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:51,360
We're not paying anything
to stay here.
346
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:53,080
Oh, I am. I'm paying.
347
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:57,400
I knew things had got bad, but I
didn't realise they were THIS bad.
348
00:18:57,480 --> 00:19:01,080
Oh, this is nothing compared with
what usually goes on, Joan!
349
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:01,360
Nothing at all!
350
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:04,360
OK, I'm off!
351
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:05,000
See you all later...
352
00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:07,160
or not!
353
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:11,280
Er, Mum, Mum...
354
00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:15,880
Did I ever have
a twin brother? What?!
355
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:17,560
Or sister? No!
356
00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:20,960
Are you sure? Absolutely sure!
357
00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:23,480
It's just that I've had
this dream... Look, Roger,
358
00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:25,600
I've got to get this to
the police station, right now!
359
00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:30,440
Don't worry about Phil!
Look, he'll be OK. Oh!
360
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:35,560
And I'm so glad you've got some
friends nearer your own age now.
361
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:39,440
Hmm...
362
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:46,680
It's difficult for Edith.
363
00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:49,080
It must have been hard
for you too, Joan?
364
00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:51,360
Oh, it was, it was...
365
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:53,600
What was? Uncle Olaf?
366
00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:55,400
Uncle Olaf?
And the sweater business.
367
00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:57,680
Tough break!
We don't really talk about it.
368
00:19:57,760 --> 00:19:59,200
These are beautiful. Oh.
369
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:02,760
Will you still be here when
we get back? I have no idea.
370
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:06,080
I know. Hope to see you later!
371
00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:06,960
Nice kids.
372
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:10,360
For Americans!
373
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:12,160
Georgie, do you want to
come outside and see my shed?
374
00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:13,960
SHE LAUGHS
375
00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:16,880
Oh.
376
00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:27,880
Jack, Phil's gone missing!
I know, Sandra called me.
377
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:32,200
I know everyone thinks
I'm overreacting, but...
378
00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:34,200
But it's not at all like him.
379
00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:36,960
I think you've got every reason
to be worried. Oh, Jack!
380
00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:41,200
It's very strange,
and completely out of character.
381
00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:44,160
But I've had an idea
which might help us find him.
382
00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:46,560
It's a bit of a long shot,
but let's give it a try.
383
00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:51,480
BERTIE BARKS
384
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:54,000
There we are. Out you get.
Come on, then.
385
00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:55,760
Good boy! There's a good...
Where's Mum?
386
00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,760
She's looking for Phil's slippers.
387
00:20:58,840 --> 00:20:59,160
Hello, Bertie!
388
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:01,080
There you are! Hello!
389
00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:01,200
Bertie loves you, Sandra.
390
00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:04,160
I couldn't find his slippers,
391
00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:07,080
but these were in
the laundry basket.
392
00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:07,760
Oh, perfect!
393
00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:11,160
Edith, I think it's better if
394
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:13,160
you stay with Sandra. In case
you find something unpleasant?
395
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:15,800
Oh, Mum... I'm coming with you!
396
00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:16,760
Well, they'll be going at
quite a pace.
397
00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:20,080
BERTIE BARKS
398
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:35,280
Sniff! What's that?
399
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:36,480
Which way?
BERTIE BARKS
400
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:38,880
Come on, Bertie!
401
00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:43,080
CRICKET COMMENTARY BLARES ON RADIO
402
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:45,360
Ooh... Oh... Ah...
403
00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:46,560
BERTIE BARKS
Oh...
404
00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:48,280
Ooh... Ah...
405
00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:48,960
Ah... Oh...
406
00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:51,360
Hey! Hello, Phil!
407
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:52,960
Duggers, what are you doing here?
Do you know,
408
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:56,680
I was just about to ask you
the same question. I thought
409
00:21:56,760 --> 00:21:59,880
you'd sold up, moved away?
410
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:00,880
No, no, that's you, Phil.
You're the one that's doing that.
411
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:03,480
Oh, Phil!
412
00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:07,600
Oh, Phil, thank God! Oh, Edith!
413
00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:08,760
Sandra. Hello, Phil. Hi.
414
00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:12,200
Are you all right?
Well, why wouldn't I be?
415
00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:14,800
I mean, Surrey just lost
another wicket, but...
416
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:16,560
I've been so worried.
417
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:19,760
Oh, don't, don't. We've only
got another...57 to make. Oh!
418
00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:25,600
I'm so happy to see you!
Well, I'm pleased to see you too.
419
00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:26,240
Only thing is...
420
00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:32,080
..can't seem to remember
why I came here.
421
00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:36,160
Phil, why don't we go home? OK!
422
00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:37,000
Um, I think a quick check-up first
423
00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:39,360
might be in order. OK!
424
00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:42,160
Here we are.
425
00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:44,480
Oh...
426
00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:49,240
Oh... There you are.
427
00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:53,800
He's getting some rest now,
with the aid of a light sedative,
428
00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:56,960
so let's see how he is
in the morning, eh?
429
00:22:57,040 --> 00:23:01,360
Oh, don't thank me, thank Bertie.
Oh, my hero!
430
00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:05,400
You take Edith home now, Sandra.
Get a good night's sleep
431
00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:10,000
and, tomorrow,
you'll find he's a new man. Ooh!
432
00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:11,680
Think of it, Mum!
Underneath the ancient,
433
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:15,360
soup-stained dressing gown
and those very strange pyjamas,
434
00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:18,280
George Clooney!
THEY LAUGH
435
00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:51,000
BURGLAR!
436
00:23:51,080 --> 00:23:53,160
No, no! No, no...
437
00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:55,760
Retired! BURGLAR!
NURSE SCREAMS
438
00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:56,280
Lapsed! I've relented!
439
00:23:56,360 --> 00:24:00,040
It's OK! BURGLAR! Shush!
440
00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:10,880
RADIO: ..Philip Parton, 77,
last seen in dressing gown,
441
00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:16,160
leaving Parkrise Hospital
at 19:00 hours today.
442
00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:17,080
Parton?
443
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:20,160
That's your bloke from this morning.
444
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:21,880
What did you call those two women?
Bloody hell!
445
00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:31,080
SIREN WAILS
446
00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:48,880
HE WHISTLES SOFTLY
447
00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:54,960
ANIMATED CHATTER
448
00:24:57,240 --> 00:24:59,600
Georgie, have I done enough
with his hair, do you think?
449
00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:04,360
LAUGHTER
Georgie, is this good enough, here?
450
00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:05,200
A bit more ruffled. Yeah?
451
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:09,440
Yeah, that's good! Shh!
452
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:16,040
Queenie says he'll not be back
till tomorrow.
453
00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:25,600
LAUGHTER AND CHATTER RESUMES
454
00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:29,160
Ooh!
LAUGHTER
455
00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:31,600
Look a little bit to your left...
456
00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:32,000
Grr!
457
00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:36,600
Grr! Grr!
458
00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:37,880
Grr!
459
00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:43,960
Grr... Grr...
460
00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:45,280
Rargh!
461
00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:54,240
Woo...
462
00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:26,760
RADIO: ..What could be
a remarkable match
463
00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:29,480
and a fairy-tale
victory for Surrey.
464
00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:31,880
It's a beautiful
afternoon here.
465
00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:33,480
The bowler's coming in for,
oh, a very fast bowl,
466
00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:38,080
and he's dropped that
right behind him...
467
00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:45,000
Mr Parton... You've had quite a day!
How are you doing?
468
00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:45,280
Ah, there you are!
469
00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:51,600
Good, well, this is my house,
and it's being burgled by zombies!
470
00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:52,680
Zombies? Mm-hmm.
471
00:26:53,560 --> 00:26:55,760
Right. So, you'd better
call for backup,
472
00:26:55,840 --> 00:27:00,080
because, er, there's
a whole pack of 'em in there.
473
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:02,160
Zombies, everywhere!
474
00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:04,400
But...
475
00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:06,160
Surrey only need two more wickets.
35474
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