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# Have I the right to hold you?
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00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:11,880
# You know I've always told you
3
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# I've loved you from the very start
4
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# Ah, come right back
5
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# I just can't bear it
6
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# I got some love
7
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# And I long to share it
8
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# Come right back
9
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# Right back where you belong
10
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# Oh, yeah, you belong! #
11
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Look, right from the start,
I made it clear
12
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that the thing that mattered most
13
00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:41,760
to me was getting a quick sale.
14
00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:43,560
I'm afraid the market's
going through
15
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a bit of a sluggish patch.
Not much we can do about that!
16
00:00:46,160 --> 00:00:48,320
Well, I mean, look at this brochure.
17
00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:52,160
"Versatile, highly desirable,
larger than average."
18
00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:53,880
Well, what is average? I mean...
19
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"Boasts a back garden." Boasts?
20
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"Deceptively spacious."
21
00:00:57,880 --> 00:00:59,520
I mean, what does it mean?!
22
00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:02,560
I would have thought it rather spoke
for itself. I think it means that
23
00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:04,440
if we happen to be looking for
a small house,
24
00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:06,920
it's not bad news that
it's deceptively spacious
25
00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:09,360
because it is, in fact, small. Phil.
26
00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:11,920
Whereas, if we're looking for
a large house,
27
00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:14,240
then "deceptively spacious"
means that
28
00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:16,640
if we think it's big enough,
it's not.
29
00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:18,240
Uh...
30
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I wonder if the time has come for us
to reconsider my original proposal?
31
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:26,240
What proposal?
For an open-house day. Quite.
32
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What did I say?
33
00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:29,960
You said you'd rather be
publicly disembowelled
34
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:32,480
than have strangers
tramping all over your house. Did I?
35
00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:37,040
Oh, it seemed such a good idea
to me. And you'd be there as host,
36
00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:40,520
to greet everyone,
and it's something you do so well.
37
00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:42,160
Yes, well, why not?
38
00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:44,440
Ah, as to that... What?
39
00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:47,640
I'm afraid it's never a good idea
for the owner to be present
40
00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:51,000
on these occasions. Never. Never?
41
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:53,440
Ever. Most ill-advised.
42
00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:55,600
Well, what could happen?
43
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:00,640
Come on, Edith.
44
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No open house.
EDITH SIGHS
45
00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:05,640
We'll think about it. Ha-ha!
46
00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:15,600
I'm not sure about this, Bob.
47
00:02:18,280 --> 00:02:19,760
It's a bit early for it...
48
00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:21,240
Listen, don't start!
49
00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:24,400
Well, I like to sing at night,
after midnight,
50
00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:27,160
when my voice is more relaxed. Huh?
51
00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:28,800
Like Frank Sinatra...
52
00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:30,200
Do you want to go back in the box?
53
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:31,960
Will you two shut up?!
54
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:33,960
Sorry. Sometimes,
my fellow performer's
55
00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:36,200
a wee bit of a problem, you know?
It's not me, it's him...
56
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:37,520
Rubbish!
57
00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:43,080
Right, now, I know you're wondering,
how can a man with a prosthetic arm
58
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:44,720
play the guitar?
59
00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:47,000
Well, I'm here to tell you.
60
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,280
It is possible, yes!
61
00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:50,800
It is possible!
WOMAN GIGGLES
62
00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:54,680
I've never done it myself
and I don't intend to try.
63
00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:56,400
LAUGHTER
No, no, this, erm,
64
00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:59,040
cavernous guitar
case is just here
65
00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:00,920
for you
generous people
66
00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:03,400
to put your donations in, right?
67
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:04,880
"Is it too big?", I ask myself.
68
00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:06,600
I sincerely hope not!
LAUGHTER
69
00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:07,720
Right, let's go!
70
00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:09,440
HE PLAYS NOTE
71
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:10,840
Ahem...
72
00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:14,720
# Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do! #
73
00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:16,280
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
74
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:18,440
HE COUGHS
75
00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:19,880
# La, la, la, la... #
76
00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:22,240
It's too early,
too early for my voice!
77
00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:24,280
Yeah, I know you folk
are looking for serious,
78
00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:26,720
high-quality entertainment.
You see, when you find some,
79
00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:28,320
would you let me know?!
WOMAN CHUCKLES
80
00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:31,840
Right, once again...
One, two. One, two, three.
81
00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:33,920
HE PLAYS NOTE
82
00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:36,920
# Cherry ripe, cherry ripe
83
00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:40,120
# Ripe, I cry
84
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:42,320
# Full and fair ones
85
00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:44,720
# Come and buy... #
86
00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:47,920
You look so much better
than when you came in!
87
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:50,480
Ziggy, um...
88
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,120
SHE MOUTHS
89
00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:59,720
I love coming to your salon
and chatting to all your customers.
90
00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:02,160
I've only got time for
a quick coffee today, Wendy.
91
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:05,920
Fridays are hell.
Where are we going?
92
00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:07,200
It's not far. Oh.
93
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:12,880
I thought we'd go here today.
94
00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:15,920
Here? Mmm.
95
00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:23,360
Hello, there.
96
00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:24,720
Ooh, dominoes!
97
00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:27,360
Ooh, I used to love dominoes...
Ha-ha-ha!
98
00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:29,120
..when I was a child. Ha-ha!
99
00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:30,920
Ooh, I wouldn't have
put this down as
100
00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:32,760
your sort of place at all, Sandra.
101
00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:36,040
Oh, I often pop in here. There's
always something going on. Really?
102
00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:39,680
Yes, they've got great courses. I've
done quite a few of them myself.
103
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:43,240
Have you? Yes, I'd like to do more,
if I had the time.
104
00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:46,680
You always meet
such interesting people. Yoga.
105
00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:49,240
Hmm, I tried that once.
It wasn't really my sort of thing.
106
00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:50,400
Mindfulness.
107
00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:53,520
Well, I'd say I was a pretty
mindful sort of person anyway.
108
00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:56,360
It's in my nature.
What you need is something
109
00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:58,800
that's going to make the most of
your natural talents.
110
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:01,560
Music and movement. Mmm...
111
00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:04,320
Counselling. Actually, I'd be
112
00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:07,440
a really good counsellor,
wouldn't I?
113
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:11,240
Well, you could certainly
give it a try. Yes, I will!
114
00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:14,720
Oh, I would never, ever have thought
of this, Sandra. Thank you.
115
00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:17,280
Mmm. Since the divorce,
it's just been so...
116
00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:18,840
SHE SIGHS
Mmm.
117
00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:23,560
It's almost impossible to believe
that Roger is your brother.
118
00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:25,560
Mmm.
119
00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:28,840
# Greensleeves was my heart of gold
120
00:05:28,840 --> 00:05:30,760
# And who but my lady... #
121
00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:33,840
Oh, what's going on here?! Ha!
122
00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:36,440
# ..Alas, my love
123
00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:38,240
# That you should own
124
00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:41,480
# A heart of wanton vanity... #
Huh?
125
00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:42,600
Ha-ha!
126
00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:44,080
Roger... What? Look.
127
00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:45,160
There's your mum...
128
00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:46,760
Oh, my God!
129
00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:48,040
It's Roger...
130
00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:49,840
and Bob!
131
00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:51,080
Good grief!
132
00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:52,920
Hello, Mrs Stevens! Ha-ha!
133
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:55,000
Shh, you'll embarrass her!
134
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:58,960
Ah, and the kidnapper.
Yeah, the tall stalker!
135
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,840
Hello, tall stalker!
EDITH LAUGHS
136
00:06:01,840 --> 00:06:04,000
Very determined tall stalker.
137
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:07,160
You've got to tell your son
to let me sing at night,
138
00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:08,880
like Frank Sinatra!
139
00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:11,840
Well, I would,
but he never listens to me!
140
00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:13,720
LAUGHTER
141
00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:15,480
Let's go. What?!
142
00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:18,440
It's only a bit of fun!
Yeah, but people are looking, right?
143
00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:21,280
Let's go. No, you go. I'm staying.
144
00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:24,960
What for? Because he's having a go,
he's doing his best.
145
00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:26,480
Like when he was third camel
146
00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:29,720
in the nativity play, right?
Yes, exactly like that, yes.
147
00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:31,720
Right, well, I'm off.
148
00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:34,560
Come on, Phil, come and join us!
149
00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:36,600
He was Choirboy of the Year,
you know.
150
00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:39,000
Aye, until they found out
where the noise was coming from!
151
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:40,760
LAUGHTER
152
00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:45,560
# ..Greensleeves was all my joy
153
00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:50,000
# Greensleeves was my delight
154
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:53,480
# Greensleeves was my heart of gold
155
00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:58,520
# Oh, my lady Greensleeves... #
156
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:10,880
Oh! Ha! Ah, Bertie!
157
00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:12,360
He seems to be
fascinated
158
00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:14,680
by your feet. Well,
now, this is new.
159
00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:16,000
Oh, very smart,
look at it!
160
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,520
Ah, yes, Sandra
turned up with it
161
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:21,280
for him. Yeah,
very Sandra too.
162
00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:22,880
Yes, they've become
great friends.
163
00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:26,240
She's always bringing him some sort
of treat or other. Nothing that's
164
00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:28,720
actually any good for him,
of course. Well, of course not.
165
00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:30,440
So, where are you off to, then?
166
00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:32,640
Oh, somewhere in the sun.
167
00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:34,640
You know, somewhere defensible.
168
00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:38,960
Defensible? Well, with a moat
and drawbridge.
169
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:41,200
Roger! Mmm.
170
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:44,960
Yes, I saw him in town
the other day, singing.
171
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:49,800
You don't think he's certifiable,
do you? No, I don't think so.
172
00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:52,560
Do you?
In optimistic moments, yes.
173
00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:56,240
You know we're leaving him here,
I mean, in charge of Edith's house?
174
00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:59,760
Well, whatever is wrong with him,
and I'm not sure what that is,
175
00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:02,520
perhaps leaving him in charge
of the house on his own terms
176
00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:05,360
might help sort himself out a bit.
177
00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:08,280
I'm going to miss you, Jack.
178
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,560
Ah, I'll miss you too, Phil.
179
00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:12,680
You must visit, bring the hound.
180
00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:14,200
Well, I don't think being in the sun
181
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:15,720
would be too much good for this one.
182
00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:19,200
I think a damp English spring
is more his mark. Ah.
183
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:22,920
Anyway, he'd only insist on
flying first class!
184
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:24,720
Well, quite right too!
185
00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:35,960
You know, I've been thinking,
maybe it's a sign. Ha!
186
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:39,360
A sign?! Phil's house not shifting.
187
00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:42,640
Maybe it's not meant to be.
188
00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:44,280
Not the right time.
189
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:46,760
When would be the right time?
SHE CHUCKLES
190
00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:49,800
Well, for a start, there's Roger.
191
00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:53,880
He's not what you'd call normal,
is he? Well, he's better.
192
00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:55,400
A bit better.
193
00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:58,240
And then there's Sandra.
194
00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:00,840
She works so hard.
195
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:02,200
She's a clever girl...
196
00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:05,760
..but she's not as strong as
she makes out.
197
00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:08,440
She needs you
more than you realise, Edith.
198
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:11,240
Yes, I do worry about Sandra.
199
00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:14,960
It's not as if you even know
where you're off to, is it?
200
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,120
Yeah, but that's part of
the big adventure! Mmm,
201
00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:21,120
Phil's big adventure. Hey, mine too!
202
00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:24,440
Think of all the places
you've lived over the years.
203
00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:26,520
Well, now it's my turn.
204
00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:30,840
The truth is, I've been so happy,
205
00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:34,600
coming here, feeling
I'm part of a family again.
206
00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:40,720
I'm going to miss you so much,
Edith. I'll miss you too, Queenie,
207
00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:42,640
but it's not as if
we'll be gone forever.
208
00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:45,640
Well, as far as Phil's concerned,
it's forever.
209
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:50,000
Why don't you tell him
you just need a bit more time,
210
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:53,720
to get things settled? I can't.
211
00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:55,360
He says it's now or never.
212
00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:10,480
Queenie! Oh, hello, Sandra. Ha-ha!
213
00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:13,720
Long day?
Oh, no, this is our usual time.
214
00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:15,400
No rest for the wicked, eh?
215
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,360
I've just been past
the estate agent.
216
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:20,760
I see they've dropped the price
of Phil's house. Have they?!
217
00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:23,000
A lot. Really?!
218
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:26,480
And they haven't even had
one of those open-house days.
219
00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:27,960
No, they haven't, have they?
220
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:31,200
Why not? Phil refused. Oh!
221
00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:33,800
They can really work, those. Yeah.
222
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:37,120
And it's the sort of thing
you'd do brilliantly, Sandra.
223
00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:39,960
I know how much store
you set by presentation.
224
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:42,240
Everything, Queenie.
It is everything.
225
00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:45,920
Who's it with now? Percy and Noble.
226
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:48,040
Oh, Roland Percy.
I was at school with him.
227
00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:50,480
I can imagine the sort of
viewing day he'd put on.
228
00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:53,080
He has the imagination of
a used tea bag!
229
00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:57,880
Still, seems criminal to throw away
an opportunity like this.
230
00:10:57,880 --> 00:11:01,000
Yeah. It does, doesn't it?
231
00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:06,520
That was our best
early-morning session so far.
232
00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:08,400
Listen... Boop!
233
00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:12,200
Ha-ha! We could be huge!
234
00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:14,600
We could go on the X Factor.
We could.
235
00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:17,120
Whatever that is.
236
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:21,760
Are you sure about this pitch, Bob?
237
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:24,000
The naked ladies? Why?
238
00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:26,800
Well, isn't it, sort of,
private property?
239
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:29,840
Roger, we are artists.
240
00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:32,280
Art knows no bounds.
241
00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:34,880
Anyway, I love the naked ladies.
242
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:37,840
Eh? Ha!
243
00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:58,960
# Daisy, Daisy
244
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:02,320
# Give me your heart to do
245
00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:05,720
# I'm half crazy
246
00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:09,120
# Oh, but I love you
247
00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:12,520
# It won't be a stylish marriage
248
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:16,320
# I can't afford a carriage
249
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:19,520
# But you look sweet upon the street
250
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:23,160
# On a bicycle made for two! #
251
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:25,280
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
252
00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:26,440
More! More!
253
00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:31,320
Once more, by popular demand.
This time, let's hear you properly!
254
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:33,320
One, two, three...
255
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:37,240
# Daisy, Daisy
256
00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:40,560
# Give me your heart to do
257
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:45,560
# I'm half crazy... #
258
00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:47,360
Oh, here we go, here we go!
259
00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:51,800
We'll be back! Agh!
Never fear, we'll be back! Oh, yes.
260
00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:57,400
No, stop...
THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER
261
00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:04,280
HE PANTS
262
00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:08,080
Ah... Ah...
263
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:11,480
Oh!
264
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,480
Agh! Bob?
265
00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:17,640
Bob, are you all right?
266
00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:19,080
Bob?
267
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:20,320
Oh, my God!
268
00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:24,000
HELP! HELP!
269
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:26,400
Mr Dugdale, look!
Something's happened to him.
270
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:28,240
I think he's fallen over.
271
00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:34,120
Call an ambulance.
272
00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:39,440
Er... 999! 999.
273
00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:48,360
Yes, hello. Er, yeah, er...
274
00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:49,640
What?
275
00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:51,280
Er, ambulance.
276
00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:55,920
Phil, these open-house days
always work. Always. Always.
277
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:57,680
They create a sense of competition.
278
00:13:57,680 --> 00:13:59,360
Exactly what I told him!
279
00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:03,520
And you know that your house is
seriously undervalued now? Is it?
280
00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:06,240
Phil! Yeah, he could get
a lot more for it.
281
00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:08,840
I'd no idea.
Phil, we should have discussed this.
282
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:11,640
You know, what I don't quite get
is why everyone has
283
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:13,720
such a strong opinion
about my house,
284
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:15,840
because, after all, it is my house
285
00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:17,920
and if I want to make
a hash of selling it,
286
00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:21,160
that's my business.
Well, mine and Edith's.
287
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:23,120
I'm her daughter, her next of kin.
288
00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:25,560
All right, you can have
a very little say.
289
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:27,560
And I'm her guardian angel.
290
00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:31,680
And what exactly does that entail?
Well, you wouldn't want me
291
00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:34,000
not to have a guardian angel,
would you?
292
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:38,880
Once again, I feel myself
slowly sinking out of my depth.
293
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:41,160
I've got a proposition.
Oh, there's a surprise!
294
00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:43,520
What is the lowest
that you'd be happy with?
295
00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:45,560
1.3, if it's a quick sale.
296
00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:49,640
But you'd be even happier with 1.8?
And I'd be even happier with nine!
297
00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:54,800
Quick sale, anything over 1.3,
you give me 20%.
298
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:56,560
And why would I do that?
299
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:59,560
Because unlike your
unimaginative estate agent,
300
00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:02,640
I will create
an unforgettable viewing day.
301
00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:05,640
Wine, flowers, music.
302
00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:08,560
Nibbles from Patisserie de Lyon.
303
00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:12,960
And...people really fall for that?
304
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:14,000
ALL: Yes!
305
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:17,640
You've got it all figured out,
haven't you?
306
00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:24,640
Bob!
307
00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:27,040
We need you, Bob!
308
00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:30,760
For God's sake, will you get
that thing out of here?!
309
00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:32,320
He can't.
I've got a mind of my own!
310
00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:35,160
Thank God you were there,
you being a doctor and everything.
311
00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:36,680
A long retired doctor.
312
00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:38,360
Yes, but he might have died.
313
00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:40,760
That would have really
freaked me out. It would.
314
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,560
I wouldn't have been
too happy, either.
315
00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:44,880
I would have blamed myself
for the rest of my life.
316
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:46,200
I'd never have got over it.
317
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:47,240
Well, me neither!
318
00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:49,760
Well, you'd be dead, you wouldn't
have to get over anything.
319
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:51,200
Oh, that's very consoling!
320
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,120
Right. Well, I'll leave
you two to it.
321
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:54,200
Goodbye, Methuselah!
322
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:55,240
METHUSELAH SQUAWKS
323
00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:11,920
So, we're all pitching in,
so they can be off as soon as poss.
324
00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:15,000
I'm all for that.
I know.
325
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:18,600
That's why I was thinking
you might like to help out
326
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:19,760
on the day.
327
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:20,800
Help?
328
00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:24,080
Would there be any..?
329
00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:25,400
Payment?
330
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,080
Oh, Roger!
331
00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:29,880
This is called helping someone out.
332
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:31,320
Doing them a favour.
333
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:32,520
Oh.
334
00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:36,280
There'll be a lot of people there,
so I was thinking it might be nice
335
00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:38,800
if there was a bit
of background music.
336
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:41,080
Well, Methuselah could do music.
337
00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:42,480
AS METHUSELAH: Yes, I could.
338
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:45,520
Oh, Roger, what a good idea!
339
00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:47,600
Yeah!
340
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:04,000
You're already
a practising counsellor?
341
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:06,280
Well, in a way, yes, I am.
342
00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:08,040
Um, you see...
343
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:12,200
I've been through a great deal
myself, one way and another,
344
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:14,600
so I understand pain and loss.
345
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:17,440
But no actual qualifications?
346
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:21,000
I'd say I'm more qualified
than most, with all my experience.
347
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:23,560
I'm always giving people advice.
Are you?
348
00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:25,400
Oh, all the time.
349
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:33,840
..we find ourselves
at downward dog.
350
00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:37,200
Downward dog, right leg up.
351
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,440
Three-legged dog.
352
00:17:44,120 --> 00:17:46,040
SEWING MACHINES HUM LOUDLY
353
00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:53,400
SHE SIGHS
354
00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:58,400
LAUGHTER FROM WITHIN
355
00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:04,760
The thing is, I find the people who
come to creative writing classes
356
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:06,560
tend to not be very...
357
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:10,160
Not very good at confrontation.
358
00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:12,040
I'm sorry, I've forgotten
your name already.
359
00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:13,960
Wendy. Oh, yes, Wendy.
360
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,320
Why don't you come and sit here?
361
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,120
Thank you.
362
00:18:17,120 --> 00:18:19,000
I think we all know that feeling.
363
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:20,080
I certainly do.
364
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:22,680
Vicky.
365
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:24,480
Confrontation.
366
00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:26,440
What's your experience?
367
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:27,480
My ex-husband!
368
00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:30,920
Rebecca?
369
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:31,960
My ex-husband!
370
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:34,520
Norman?
371
00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:35,560
My ex-husband!
372
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:40,640
Wendy?
373
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:41,880
My ex-husband!
374
00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:53,560
Oh!
375
00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:55,640
Mr Percy!
376
00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:57,760
Quick snifter before the off?
377
00:18:57,760 --> 00:19:00,000
A what?
Hello, Roland.
378
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:01,800
Sandra!
379
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:03,840
What is all this?
What's going on?
380
00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:07,040
This is to help your open day to go
with a swing and zing.
381
00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:08,120
Swing and zing?
382
00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:10,440
Who authorised all this?
383
00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:12,120
The owner of the house.
384
00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:25,200
# This old house
once knew his children
385
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:27,960
# This old house once knew his wife
386
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,800
# This old house was home
and comfort
387
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:33,360
# As they fought the storms of life
388
00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:36,200
# This old house once rang with
laughter
389
00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:38,520
# This old house heard many shouts
390
00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:41,200
# Now he trembles in the darkness
391
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:43,920
# When the lightnin' walks about
392
00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:46,280
# Ain't gonna need this house
no longer
393
00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:48,560
# Ain't gonna need this house
no more... #
394
00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:51,400
Hello, again!
395
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:55,720
Smoked salmon?
396
00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:57,680
Oh, thank you.
397
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:03,600
Oh, thank you.
398
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:05,000
These are delicious.
399
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:08,040
It's a super house, isn't it?
Oh, yes, it is.
400
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,440
It's so quiet and peaceful.
401
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:11,560
Very peaceful.
402
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:12,920
Magical.
403
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:14,360
Oh, have another? Oh.
404
00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:16,680
There's a lovely aroma everywhere.
405
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:17,960
I can't quite think what it is.
406
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:20,240
That will be the potpourri.
407
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:23,800
Home-made from flowers
in the garden.
408
00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:25,640
Oh, do go and have
a look at the garden.
409
00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:27,680
It really is quite special.
410
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,840
We've got them in every room.
411
00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:34,880
How lovely.
412
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:39,520
And they really do the job,
thank goodness. The job?
413
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:42,800
They cut right through
the usual smell.
414
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:43,920
Smell?
415
00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:45,040
The damp.
416
00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:46,720
They've had it for years.
417
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:49,280
And you just can't shift
it when you've got it,
418
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:50,960
can you?
419
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:52,000
No.
420
00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:54,760
No, I don't suppose you can.
421
00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:03,160
Oh.
422
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:06,320
Would you care for a glass
of quality tipple?
423
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:07,560
Thank you.
424
00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:16,080
Mmm, first-rate.
425
00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:21,080
Yes, pity you can't say
the same about the house. Oh?
426
00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:24,320
Oh, don't get me wrong,
it's a lovely house,
427
00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:28,320
but it's just its past,
its tragic history.
428
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:30,360
What's that?
429
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:31,720
Oh, I'm sorry.
430
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:35,640
Call me superstitious,
but I wouldn't want to live here.
431
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,200
No.
432
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:40,600
Oh, dear.
433
00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:51,240
Oh!
434
00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:54,120
Ooh! Don't worry,
we're not here for long.
435
00:21:54,120 --> 00:21:56,320
Any offers?
Offers?
436
00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:58,920
On the house?
The house!
437
00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:02,320
SLURRED: Oh, it's all going
swimming...swimmingly.
438
00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:20,280
They got them all over the place,
the whole house.
439
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:23,080
It's got this terrible smell
they can't get rid of.
440
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:26,120
Terrible smell?!
441
00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:29,720
There's never been any kind
of bad smell in this house, ever.
442
00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:31,280
It's what I was told.
443
00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:34,640
MUSIC: TO THE TUNE OF
HOUSE OF THE RISING SUN
444
00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:39,760
# There is a house in
Twickenham... #
445
00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:45,080
Phil! Phil, no!
446
00:22:45,080 --> 00:22:46,760
AS METHUSELAH: Run!
447
00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:58,960
INDISTINCT CHATTER
448
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:01,960
I'd say this is one of the best,
wouldn't you? I think so.
449
00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:06,720
Hello!
Come and join us.
450
00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:08,720
Yes, do sit down. Ah, thank you.
451
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:10,520
I'm off for more.
Can I get you anything?
452
00:23:10,520 --> 00:23:12,120
No, no. I've already
eaten, thank you.
453
00:23:12,120 --> 00:23:13,960
The prawns are lovely.
454
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:15,440
Ah, good, good.
455
00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:18,760
So...
456
00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:19,920
What do you think of it?
457
00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:21,760
Delicious, a real cut above.
458
00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:23,880
The ham's a bit salty.
459
00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:26,160
Oh, I'm so sorry.
460
00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:28,000
What do you think about the house?
461
00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:29,280
Oh, the house.
462
00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:32,000
Oh, well... Not for me.
463
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:33,360
Funny atmosphere.
464
00:23:33,360 --> 00:23:35,760
Really?
My wife picks things up.
465
00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:38,240
Well, funny in what way?
466
00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:39,960
Daphne finds it a bit, um...
467
00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:43,240
Cold?
No, no, um...
468
00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:44,280
Spooky.
469
00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:47,600
Spooky?!
And then there's the smell.
470
00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:48,880
What smell?
471
00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:51,320
I think there was a death.
472
00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:54,160
As I said, Daphne
picks these things up.
473
00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:56,240
What smell?
The damp.
474
00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:57,440
There's no smell of damp!
475
00:23:57,440 --> 00:23:59,040
That's because of all these.
476
00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:00,960
The a smell of damp's
coming from those?!
477
00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:02,840
No, that's why you don't smell it!
478
00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:04,720
Would anyone like a prawn?
479
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:10,560
Actually, I think the smell is...
480
00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:13,120
Is probably the dead body.
481
00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:14,800
You see!
Well done, Daphne.
482
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:16,520
Mind you, it is eight years ago.
483
00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:17,840
What happened? Tragic.
484
00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:19,480
It was a middle-aged woman.
485
00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:20,760
Wardrobe.
486
00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:23,520
Fell on her. Oh!
Oh, what a mess.
487
00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:24,880
Took us a month to clean it up.
488
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:27,680
You seem to know a lot about it.
489
00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:29,960
Well, I was there.
You were there? Yes.
490
00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:31,840
I pushed the wardrobe.
491
00:24:34,360 --> 00:24:35,680
I was her husband!
492
00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:40,480
So, Phil Parton, hello,
I'm the owner of the house.
493
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:41,800
Now!
494
00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:44,480
That's why the house
is haunted, quite right.
495
00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:47,000
So, let me get you some dessert.
496
00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:48,520
What would... Who would like what?
497
00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:52,400
I sense there are many levels
of sorrow to this story.
498
00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:53,720
No, no, there aren't.
499
00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:55,200
No, I hated the bitch.
500
00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:57,920
And all's well now
because now she's dead,
501
00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:03,520
you see, I've been able to turn
it into a RESTAURANT!
502
00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:05,200
Oh, anyone for dessert?
503
00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:06,760
Hello?! Anyone for DESSERT?!
504
00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:11,560
# Good-bye-ee! Good-bye-ee!
505
00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:14,960
# Wipe a tear, baby dear,
from your eye-ee
506
00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:19,680
# Tho' it's hard to part, I know
507
00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:21,760
# I'll be tickled to death
when you go
508
00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:24,040
# Good-bye-ee! Good-bye-ee!
509
00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:26,280
# There's a silver lining in the
sky-ee... #
510
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:45,320
You know, sometimes these things
turn out for the best.
511
00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:47,080
What the hell's that
supposed to mean?
512
00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:49,480
It's just not meant to be.
513
00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:51,280
Kismet.
514
00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:52,360
You never know. I mean...
515
00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:56,440
Someone might come back
and make an offer.
516
00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:58,680
Oh, yeah, that's
really going to happen(!)
517
00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:01,640
You must admit,
they were a strange bunch.
518
00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:05,120
I mean, going on about
the smell and the damp, and...
519
00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:07,760
I mean, where did they
get that from?
520
00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:11,600
That's people for you, isn't it?
521
00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:14,720
And Roger, what was he doing?
522
00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:18,280
Wait till I get my hands on his...
523
00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:55,120
Where's Phil?
37381
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