All language subtitles for The Happy Hooker 1975

(PUT YOURSELF IN MY HANDS
PLAYING)

* I can make you happy

* I can turn you on

* Bring me all your troubles

* Soon they'll be gone

* Just put yourself
in my hands, baby

* Whatever you want me to do

* I'll do

* Just put yourself
in my hands, baby

* I'll know how to handle you

* Life can be so good, baby

* Let me prove it to you

* You don't have to
worry about anything

* All you have to do
is just let yourself go

* Yesterday is a memory

* Tomorrow is far away

* All we've got is now

* Live for today

* Just put yourself
in my hands, baby

* Whatever you want me to do

* I'll do

* Just put yourself
in my hands, baby

* I'll know how to handle you

* Put yourself
in my hands, baby

* Whatever you want me to do

* I'll do

* Just put yourself
in my hands, baby

* I'll know how
to handle you *

And the charge?

Sales and possession.
Heroin and cocaine.

Okay, take him over.

TAGGART:
Okay, everybody, line it up
in front of the desk.

Smile.
SERGEANT: You look
gorgeous, Lieutenant.

Thank you.
Must have been some party.

It was.

All right. Who's first?

Name?

April Jones.

Address?

328 West 80th Street.

Charge?
Pros.

Next.

Name?
May Smith.

Address?

328 West 80th.

Charge?
Pros.

Next.

You, miss.

Come on.

Name?

June?

Aurora.

Aurora, how refreshing.

Last name?

Goldberg.
328 West 80th. Pros.

Thank you very much.

All right, hidden beauty,
what's your name?

This way, honey, this way.

Come on, come on, come on.

Name?

Nadine Sartain.

Address?

Your address, miss?

1139 Farthinghill Road,

White Plains.

Okay, Little Red Riding Hood,
what's your name?

Relax, Chris.

Xaviera Hollander.

Hollander? A handy name
for a Dutch girl.

(LAUGHING)

First time in America?

Yes, it is.

Are you here on a visit
or a business trip?

Oh, business with pleasure.

I'm here to get married.

Well, congratulations,
and I do hope
you enjoy your stay.

Thank you very much. I will.

XAVIERA: Long before
they could call me "Madam,"

I was just a girl
who crossed the ocean
for a man.

I'd met my fiance
in South Africa

while he was on
a business trip

and I was visiting my sister.

And every minute we had
spent together was
fantastically exciting.

I was certain that he was
the beginning of my life.

Hey!

Hey!

Oh, Carl! Oh!

Oh, my God, is it really you?

I can't believe it.
I'm sorry.

I was beginning to feel
like unclaimed baggage.

I thought all European
flights were always late.

I was way out
at the end of the island
with Arthur and Shirl.

My God.

You are gorgeous.

(GIGGLES)

Hey, if we hurry,
we can manage to make
the last bus to New York.

Oh, God. My luggage.
What?

There.
Oh!

Listen,
the flight was terrific.

I had three martinis,
a bottle of champagne...

Champagne?

That means
you came first-class.

Oh!

That's a lot of money.

I know.

Oh, is that your baggage?

Yeah, sure.
All my earthly possessions.

Oh, do we need a skycap?

Oh, no, no, no.
We can manage together.

I can't wait
to meet your parents.

What did they say?

I... I thought I'd
break it to them gradually.

Oh, sure.

You know how parents are.

I am the only child.
Shirl is getting old.

I understand.

Besides,
we have loads of time.

Here you are.

I guess this is
the heavy one.

Oh, you smell so good.
What is that?

Oil of musk.

Oh, I love it, I love it.

Oh, don't stop.

You like that, you like that.

(TAPPING ON WALL)

Excuse me.

What was that?

My mother.

Shirl and Arthur, they have
the apartment next door.

How convenient.

(GIGGLING)

You're crazy.

(LAUGHING)
You're really crazy, baby.

(TAPPING ON WALL)

(DRYER WHIRRING)

I got your
Tiger's Milk and yeast.

What?

Got your Tiger's
Milk and yeast.

It's got a funny taste.

XAVIERA: I soon realized
that Carl was not the same
person I had known.

The passion
he once shared with me

was replaced by his growing
passion for himself.

(INHALING)

Here, let me help
you on with that.

Okay.

Aren't you hungry?
I prepared your breakfast.

No, I never eat
that stuff anymore.

I'm on Dr. Wilburt's
all meat diet.

What time do you
usually get back?

Uh, about 7:00.

I'll be ready.

Give me a call
during the day.

If I can.

No, Xaviera. Xaviera.

I'm gonna be late.

I'll be ready.

Carl?

You just wake up?

I beg your pardon?

Carl just leave?

He just went to work.

10:00 already.
He gets later every day.

You needn't bother.
I can make it.

Carl likes a neat bed,
but I only change
the sheets once a week,

so try to keep it clean.

How long are you staying?

I am...
I am Mr. Gordon's fiancee.

Is that your
luggage over there?
Yeah.

That's a lot of luggage.

I don't know
where you're gonna put it.

I'm sure I'll manage.

You'll have the beige towel.

You'll get a new one
when I change the sheets.

Well, I'll try to make sure
I'm clean when I use it.

You have an accent.
Where are you from?

Holland.

Well, if you make
any long-distance

telephone calls,
keep a record.

Carl's telephone bill
is ridiculous.

Have you been
with Mr. Gordon long?

All his life.
I'm his mother.

Shirl Gordon.

How do you do?
Xaviera Hollander.

How do you do?
I have to leave now.

I've got a patient waiting.

We'll have a little
chat some other time.

Yeah.

Some other time.

Want some more steak,
darling?

No, thank you, Shirl.

Oh, come on,
have a little more steak.

I bet you skipped
lunch again today.

(LAUGHS)

How did you know that?

I know.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Where is she?

(SNORES)

Yeah, what do you want now?

Carl would like
another helping, Rosita.

Xaviera, darling,
what's the matter?

No appetite?

Naturally, it's better
not to eat too much
when you're sedentary.

Otherwise, you'll find
the calories just pile up.

Carl was practically
raised on goat's milk,
weren't you, Carl?

Oh, Mother.

It didn't hurt you.

(LAUGHING)

You will see, Xaviera,

when you finally get a job,

your appetite will
come back to you.

I've always heard

that the Dutch were
such hardworking people,

but then they say
the French make great lovers.

Arthur's mother was French.

Hey. You want this or not?

Put it down, Rosita.

I suppose
the apartment rentals are
quite high in Amsterdam.

Oh, and why do you say that?

It seems to me that
unmarried Dutch girls

have a habit of moving in
with their boyfriends.

I thought perhaps
it was a tradition
in your country.

Oh, listen, Mrs. Gordon,

so far this whole Dutch treat
has been on me,

and you may recall that Carl
proposed to me officially

in front of my parents.

Carl has always
been too sentimental
for his own good...

Mrs. Gordon,
if you can't find it in
your papier-mache heart

to accept me as your future
daughter-in-law,

you might at least
show a little respect
for my feelings.

In my mother's house,
she couldn't do enough

to make her guests
feel at home,

and you can't even
lift your fingers

to put the peanuts
on the table.

Xaviera, please.

It's all right, darling,
it's all right.

But I do think
that in the future,

you might bring back
teapots from your
travels as you used to.

Shirl, please.
Teapots!

My God, no wonder
your own husband
hasn't slept with you

since the day Carl was born.

I never said a word
about that, Mother.

And you have the hide
to criticize my background.

Let me give you some advice,
Dr. Shirl Gordon.

You might be
a lot happier if you'd
stop trying to compete

with younger women
and learned to live

as the dried up,
old egg that you are!

Arthur, Arthur?

Oh.

No more, thank you, dear.

All right, quit it.
I heard you the first time.

Are you coming
with me or not?

Carl.

Carl, don't you dare
move from this table.

Okay, Shirl.

Occupation?
Housewife.

Look, I'm off the shift
in 10 minutes,

so don't give me
a hard time, okay?

I told you, I'm a housewife.

What about a husband?

Where's it written
a housewife's gotta
have a husband?

Housewife.

Write that down. H-O-U...

All right, ladies,

looks like we won't get
your records down in time
for night court.

But never fear,
you'll be our guests
for tonight, free of charge,

and we'll take you downtown
in the morning.

You can take the food
with you if you like.

Okay, Petulia,
they're all yours.

All right,
on your feet, move it.

Hey, I said move your ass.

You come with me, Aurora.

All right, let's go.

Let's go.

WOMAN: Well, well, well.
What we got here, y'all?

(WOMAN CHATTERING)

Welcome to your cell, girls.
Welcome.

Hi, I'm Lo-La.

(ALL CLAMORING)

XAVIERA: In leaving Carl,
I took the first step
towards finding myself again.

I managed to get a job
at the Dutch consulate

and I took an apartment
on my own.

This is your bell.

Okay.

When the horn
outside is triggered,
this goes off automatically.

You can even use it
when you're out in the garden

by activating
the bypass switch.

Here's your standby
and your master.

She's all set to go.

That's nice.

Oh, and, uh, I gave you
another switch by the door.

Mmm-hmm.

And an extra switch
by the bed.

No charge for that.

Well, this way you can
turn your system on or off
from any location.

Will I feel a lot
more confident now.

Good, old Eterna Guard.

Now, if I can have
the check, please.

I have a sticky
situation in a duplex
on, uh, 79th Street.

Sure you don't
want to have a drink?

Uh, no. Thank you.

That's too bad,
you would've been
my first guest.

Well, here you are.
Thanks very much.

I feel completely
burgle-proof now.

Oh, good, good.

You have my card.
Mmm-hmm.

Oh, and it's a 12 months'
guarantee for parts
and servicing.

I'll remember that.

(STAMMERS) I did show you...

I showed you
the standby switch, didn't I?

You showed me
almost everything,
Mr. Ruffleson.

Maybe I'll have that drink.

Oh, really?
What about the duplex?

That can wait.

Okay.

Well, Scotch?

Okay.

Okay. On the rocks?

Okay. Taste it.

Hey, baby.
I knew this was
going to happen.

I knew, I knew it.

You wanted this ever
since the bypass switch,
didn't you?

Now look, honey...
Can we sit down?

You must get lonesome here.
Listen.

Oh, it must get lonely here.

You must gotta
want a guy pretty bad.
Listen. Listen, baby...

You must miss
a guy pretty bad.

Listen, don't do that.
Aren't you glad I came along?

Stop, baby.
Stop it, will you?

Will you... Will you stop it?

What's wrong with you?

Jesus.

I don't need this.

I told you
I had an appointment

and you said,
"Come on, come on, stay."

I tell you, I do not
need this. Who needs it!

I've got lots
of appointments!

I do not need this.

Hey, look,
if you got any problems,
you call the office.

(ALARM RINGING)

XAVIERA:
I was finally encouraged
to get into the social swim

by a girl I knew from work,

who became
my traveling companion

as we started paddling
our way through
the New York singles bars,

where the men come at you
sideways like fish.

It was a time
when I really needed
warmth and reassurance,

and an obvious,
easy way to get it

was to have men
praise me as a lover.

Well, I'd never been
what you'd call shy,
and I loved sex,

so I figured why fool around?
Go to it.

And for the next six months,
I did it with any Tom,
Dick or Harry

who had a pleasant face
and a tolerable manner.

(INAUDIBLE)

(CLATTERING)

It sure was a pleasure,
Assissia.

Xaviera.

Hey, what time is it?

Oh, my God, it's 5:00.

5:00?
And you gotta go so early?

Yeah, I gotta
get home and change.

Early bird and the worm,
you know.

Look, I left my card here
in case you want to call me.

Thanks.

So long.
So long.

Hey, I hope that
worm doesn't give you

too much trouble for
staying out all night.

Worm?

Your wife.

You're married, aren't you?

Sort of.

Sort of?

Well, it's kind of shaky.

I mean,
it could blow up any minute.

Well, I hope you find
a place for shelter.

Thanks.
Don't mention it.

I'll see you.

MAN 1: You come here often?
MAN 2: Um, hey,
aren't you with the airlines?

MAN 3: Hey, I haven't met
a girl like you in days.

MAN 2: No, my wife lets
me do what I want.

MAN 4: Ever been on a safari?
MAN 5: You'd love it.

MAN 1: Yeah, I thought I'd
spend a week in St. Thomas.

MAN 3: $600 dresses
for only $37.50.

MAN 4: Listen,
I'd like to see you again.
MAN 1: Just let me...

MAN 3: Then I'll go right
home, I promise.

MAN 4: Immigration? You need
help with immigration?

MAN 5: She left me last March
and won't even let me

see the kids,
you know that?

MAN 3: I really think
I'm in love.

The 63rd Precinct
will never be the same!

Come on. Inside.

(WOMEN CLAMORING)

You're gonna get it, lady!
I'm gonna get you!

(ALL CHATTERING)

Dinner is served.

(ALL CHEERING)

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

Oh!

Jesus. God.

Oh, Christ!

Better, isn't it?

You seem to be in trouble.

Yeah, sometimes
I can't understand
a word he says.

Sometimes it's good
just to pull out the plug.

Yeah, I guess you're right,
actually, monsieur.

St. Jacques.
Yves St. Jacques.

Xaviera Hollander.

Xaviera.

I'm feeling better already.

See?

Oh, is there anything
I can help you with?

I hope so.

You wouldn't by any chance
be acquainted

with this damnable language,
would you?

Let's see.

Oh, yeah, sure.
This is my language.

Oh, really?
You must forgive me,

but Dutch is
all Chinese to me.

The man has the audacity
to answer me
in his native tongue.

Could you be kind enough
to tell me what he says?

Oh, yeah, sure.
That's part of my job.

How delightful.

Yeah, he says,
"Dear Monsieur
St. Jacques..."

Skip the details.

It takes him a whole day
to say good morning.

Okay.

"Regarding plans
for the organization,
you will do well to recall

"that we are in the business
of manufacturing engines,

"not elevating
the spirits of our workers,

a job more properly
suited to the clergy."

Splendid.

"And furthermore,
your costly study,
while admittedly original,

"ignores the central issue
of productivity for
the goal of profit,

"and is a concept better kept
in the land of Oz

"than on the premises
of Holtsman Motors."

How marvelous.

"And so we reject
your proposal.
Sincerely..." That's it.

(STAMMERS)
Perfect. Absolutely perfect.

It is?

A whole week in New York
with nothing to do,

but follow whatever
fancy guides us.

Us?

That's what I said.

You mean me?

You can't spit in the eye
of the Fates, you know.

They don't like it.

I'll get my coat.

Oh, no hurry.

I can wait until 6:00.

Can't spit in
the eye of the Fates.

(STAMMERS) Perfect.
Absolutely perfect.

Oh, it's very simple,
actually.

You see, I have no home,
no permanent possessions.

All I have is provided
by whatever corporation
hires me

to tell them
what they want to hear,

or not to hear
as the case may be.

I'm boring you.

No. No, please, no.
I like to hear about it.

Now you tell me
exactly what you do.

Well, for an indecent
sum of money,

I try to convince them
that a happy man
working less hours

produces more
than an unhappy man
working many hours.

And they pay you
for telling them that?

More or less. Mmm.

Of course,
they don't always agree,
but they still pay,

content with the knowledge
they were right all along.

It all works out in the end.

So you're really paid
to make people happy.

I suppose
you could say that, yes.

That's the best
kind of work, I think.

Also the most difficult.

Now where shall our
fancy take us next?

Uh, the museum, the theater,
Grant's Tomb, the zoo, the...

How about your place?

My... My place?

Why not?

Splendid,
absolutely splendid.

Damn, damn, damn.

What an...

Can I help you?

...addiction.

Yes, you can help me
if you know a short man

bested by a miller's daughter
in 15 letters across.

A short man? Um, hang on.

Oh, yeah.
How about Rumpelstiltskin?

R-U-M-P...

E-L-S-T-I-L-T...

S-K-I-N! Amazing!
Yeah.

For this,

you deserve a reward.

Well, what had you in mind?

Not that.

Oh, God.

A trip to a beautiful
island aboard a ship.

Terrific.

But first that.

To the sailor's life!
The sailors!

Hup!
Hup!

Excuse me, sir,
but Mr. Knowlton wonders

if you would like to
join the company inside.

How nice. Shall we?
Oh, sure.

XAVIERA:
Yves always made me feel
I was on the verge

of beginning something
exciting and different.

And sometimes
it was quite different
from what I expected.

HENRY: If the kids want to
keep it, let them buy it.

Junior's got more money
than l do, anyway.

You'll never sell it, Henry.

Suzy, I wish I could.

I can't afford
to run this boat,

and I can't afford
to find a buyer.

Why don't you take it
off our hands, Yves?

Well, you know the old story.

(STAMMERS) If you have to ask
how much it costs to run it,

you can't afford to own it.

Why should he buy it?

He's got himself
an open invitation.

Thank you.

You got magic fingers,
Madeleine. Magic.

(EXCLAIMS)

A sensuous woman.

Not many around anymore.

With certain exceptions,
sweetheart.

Madeleine,
you may have found a rival.

Xaviera can massage a man
into margarine.

Well, I've always preferred
the expensive spread myself.

Do me next,
will you, Madeleine?

I think I'll check
your grandchildren.

Well, Suzy,
it's only my toes.

Don't flatter yourself, Henry.

If you can find it,
you can pull it.

Relax, Henry.

With a boat like this,
you don't need anything else.

Thanks a lot, Yves,
thanks a lot.

These two know each other?

Well...

We are all becoming
fast friends.

What do you do...

Xaviera.

Xaviera.

Beautiful name she's got.

I work at the Dutch consulate

to catalog
technical prospectuses
for American companies.

I'm sorry I asked.

Fred, stop squirming.

Well, it tickles.

It's useless.
It's like rubbing a squid.

How about you, love?
Foot massage?

Sure. I'd love one.

I've got this thing for feet.

Like Mary Magdalene.

Let's see.

This little piggy
went to market.

(STAMMERS) And this little...

Oh, the hell with it.

I have to wake her.
Meet me downstairs.

Hi.

Oh, you're all dressed.

What time is it? Is it late?

No, it's not late,
but I have an early
plane to catch.

Plane? Where?
Where are you going?

Well, there's a certain king

in a very dusty country
in the Middle East

whose personal fortune
equals roughly

$100,000 for each
of his several
million subjects.

Well, what's that
got to do with you?

He wanted to distribute
a small amount of it

to keep from being overthrown.

You're not leaving now?

Well, the king
has summoned me.

For a hefty cut, I might add.

Hey, I don't want you to go.

There's nowhere in the world
I'd rather be than with you,

but I have to work, you know.

I'll miss you.

Oh, God damn it!
That is not fair!

I mean, you're
the only Prince Charming
that I've ever had.

I bet that crummy king
has got thousands of princes.

239 to be exact.

Now, really, I have to go.

So, when are you coming back?

Well, as soon as I can.

No.

Xaviera, I wanted to
leave this on the desk,

but since you're awake,

I bet. A goodbye note?
I open it?

Well, if you like.

What... What's this?

Currency.

USA.

Money?

What's wrong with that?
You're giving me money?

For the pleasure
you have given me.

Splendid.

Absolutely splendid.

You make me feel
like a whore.

Xaviera,

listen to me.

You are intelligent.
You are beautiful.

You are witty.
You are good company.

A girl like you
should let men spoil her.

Now, my chauffeur
will show you out

when he comes back
from the airport.

You don't have to hurry.

By the way, why don't you give
Madeleine a call sometime?

Don't worry, darling.

I know everything
will be perfect.

Absolutely.

Yves!

XAVIERA: After the shock
and hurt wore off,

I remembered how nicely
he had treated me that week,

how generous he had been,
giving me all sorts
of expensive gifts.

And it occurred to me
that it wouldn't be

so bad to have that
happen more often.

Oh, shit, you got...
Merry Christmas, honey.

Well, well, well...
Give me back my things,
please.

You been doing...

You watch it, queen bee,
or you're gonna get

more than what you're after.

XAVIERA:
I never saw Yves again,

but I did see
a lot of his friends.

He'd obviously supplied them

with my phone number
and other information.

Well, one thing led to another
and before I knew it,

I had made the transition from
office girl to working girl.

MAN: Miss Hollander?
Yes?

They're waiting for you
in the penthouse suite.

You did tell her?

Tell her what?
You made the call.

You were supposed
to follow-up.

Follow-up?

I've got six division heads

and the U.S.
Deputy Attorney General
in my office,

and I've got to explain
how to do a strip?

You've got to follow through
on these things, Steve.

You leave too much to chance.

Look, Chet,
I'm a corporate officer,
not a pimp.

Pimping may sound good to you
if this one fails.

The weeds will grow
over your tennis court

before he'll
talk to you again.

You overreact, Chet.
You always have.

Gentlemen, shall we have
pleasure before business?

All right, honey.

You know who's in that room?

I'll tell you
who's in that room.

J. Arthur Conrad,
the chief officer
of Conrad International...

Skip it...
I said...

...and one of
the most powerful men
in the United States.

If J. Arthur were to
call the White House
the same time as the hotline,

the President would
put Russia on hold, okay?

ARTHUR: And where the hell
have you two been?

My wife's
expecting me for dinner.

Sorry, J.
Sorry, J.

You.
Sir.

You keep away from me.

I got reports you botched it
this afternoon.

Yes, sir.

You work the gramophone.

Yes, sir.

What are you
grinning for, Chet?

I read your quarterly
reports this morning.

Briefcase.

I understand
you're new to this game.

Yes, I am.

Good. In your business,
I prefer dedicated newcomers.

Let me outline
the following procedure.

As soon as the music starts,

you'll begin to
remove your clothing.

As you remove each article,
I will throw on this table

a bill of the denomination
of one, five, ten, or 20,

depending entirely
on my fancy,

which you will not
bother to calculate.

You follow me?

I do.

On the table, miss.

On the table.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

Thank you very much.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Hey, just wait a minute.

You sit right down
where you are.

I mean,
what do you think I am?

Some kind of
an organ grinder's monkey?

You put on some music
a lady can move to.

Well, play something.

Here, you do it.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

Keeping abreast of the market
on Wall Street,

the Dutch guilder
surged upward again

to a newer and higher high.

The biggest extension
since June.

And the breakup
of IBM and the SEC

caused Rockward Computers
to jerk to life again.

Texas Instruments pulled out
of a sinking spell
and spurted 12.2%.

The bullion boom is sweet,

and penetrating a whole
new consumer market,

as private gold ownership

rises to an all time high

and topless interest rates
jump 2%

in a bottomless market.

And Detroit took
a new beating today

when General Motors

plunged at the news
of stiffer emission controls

a full five points

to a new low.

As sugar futures
floated up and down,

Superior Oil's
chances flowed freely

at 1,168.

To stimulate
the aviation field,

Rolls Royce is in
for a big, thick,

fat government contract

to sell jet engines
to the Arabs.

And Lockheed is
moving up a stiff,

well-positioned nine points,

and reinserting its dividend

to wipe out a very bad year.

It's an uphill battle
of big versus little.

And on Wall Street today,

everyone is buzzing
with the unconfirmed rumor

that little Getty Oil

is being absorbed by the giant
J. Arthur Conrad Organization

to corner a full 10%
of the world market.

Would one of you guys
like to scoop up the table?

Leave it.

Call my wife
and tell her I'll be late.

Yes, sir.

You can get out. Both of you.

Yes, sir.

Will you say that again?

Sure. Where do you
want me to start?

The beginning.

Start at the beginning.

AT&T was wiped out today.

Polaroid dived,

and the whole market sunk
right down to the bottom.

XAVIERA:
I discovered that New York
is a small town in many ways.

The word spread
about a healthy,
active, Dutch girl,

who loved her work.

And I got so busy,
I bought myself

a bicycle to
peddle around faster.

I loved the excitement
of meeting new people

and seeing
different faces every day.

It is true,
I had gotten into a business

that wasn't considered
very romantic,

but I was able to bring
something special to it

simply because I loved it.

(ALARM RINGING)

My talents were so in demand
and the pay scale so fantastic

that in just a few months,

my personal savings account
had grown by leaps and bounds.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Police! Open up.

As you can see, it's open.

Can I help you
or are you going
to help yourself?

Watch it, sister.
I got complaints about you.

Oh, really, from whom?

Your neighbors.

I hear you got
some action here.

A lot of studs
coming and going.

Is this an official visit
or a social call?

'Cause if it's the former,
then I want to see
a search warrant.

If it's the latter,
then I'm going to
ask you to leave.

I'll ask the questions, baby.

You got a lot of booze here
for a single girl.

Mmm. And I almost
never get a hangover.

Are you going
to take all day?

I want to fix my bicycle
and I'd like to
get it finished.

I don't get an awful lot
of time during the week.

Oh, I bet you don't, baby.
I bet you don't.

What you got here? Marijuana?

Tulip tree.

A tulip tree.

How many tricks you figure
you turn a week?

15? 20?

What do you get?
Twenty-five a piece?

50? A hundred?

You know, I got a wife
and two kids at home.

One more due in
a couple of weeks.

You broads make more in a week
than I get in a whole month.

Tell me,
how many of these jerks
give you any satisfaction?

How many, hot pants?
You tell me.

(ALARM RINGING)
Police! Help! Help me! Help!

What the hell? What the hell?

Are you crazy?
What did you do that for?
Get out.

You get out of my house.

All right, all right,
all right. I'm going.

But I'll be back.

'Cause you think
you got it all,

but you ain't got one thing
and that's protection,

and I wanna
give you protection

'cause you're gonna need it.

You can mark my words.

XAVIERA:
My first brush with the law,
if you can call him that,

cost me every cent I had.

He'd convinced me that
I did need protection,

all right, but from him.

So, I decided to
try the number
Yves had given me.

Oh, hi. Madeleine?

MADELEINE: Who is it?

Xaviera Hollander.

Come straight up, love.

XAVIERA: I never expected
a brothel to look like
a Park Avenue cocktail party.

Well, at last.
I knew we'd meet again.

Oh, yeah? Well, then,
you knew something
I didn't know.

Did you bring
your famous bicycle?
Not tonight.

Come on,
I'll buy you a drink.
Okay.

Heard from Yves lately?

No, only through his friends.

A real womanizer, that one.

Madeleine.

Linda Jo is at it again.

Cunt.
Got a prima donna
up there

thinks her ass is
cast in platinum.

Carlos'll fix you a drink.
I'll be right back.

Buenas noches, Carlos.

Scotch on the rocks.

WOMAN: Look, if you ask me,
reality sucks.

I mean, it really sucks.

Tell your boss for me,
if that's what he calls
reality, it sucks.

That's what I'd tell him
if I were you.

MAN 1: What are you
talking about?

Are you stoned or something?

MAN 2: I knew
that bastard was there.

So, I took the old
penny horn fly that
my dad gave me as a kid

and then I just let the breeze
carry it out over the water.

No kidding.

Well, I don't know
exactly how.

It's like...
I've had over 30 jobs
in the last two years.

Waitressing, typing.
All that.

Like, everything made me
nervous, you know.

So, I'd mess up,
get fired, or quit.

It's sort of like
this is the only thing

I ever did that
doesn't make me nervous.

When they took Mother away,
I went to Maine

to live with my uncles
in an old house.

It was a big old house.
Kind of scary.

How old were you then?

Oh, 15. And my uncles,

they took turns.

You know.

You mean, they...

At dinner, sometimes,
we had this long table.

They'd pull me down,
make me sit on their laps.

I could feel them
getting excited.

You mean, they behaved
that way at the table?

When we went on picnics,
we'd all have to
squeeze into one car.

That's why I don't ever like
to go on picnics now.

This is upsetting.

It's very upsetting.
Poor child.

Well, shall we...

Shall we go upstairs now?

Sure.

And, when we get there,

will you sit on my lap?

Sure.

Finish your drink?

Oh, I'm not really thirsty.

Come on,
I'll show you the house.

Okay.

FINCH: Madeleine.

Hi, sorry I'm late.

Mr. Brim, he's here.

Okay.
Where the hell you been?

I said 9:00 sharp.

I'm sorry.
Sorry? Who needs it.

I don't like to
be kept waiting.

How can I make it up to you?

I can. I know I can.

I'll take what I deserve.

Damn right you will.

(GROANS)

On your feet.
I said, on your feet!

And march upstairs.

Finch comes in special
for a few of the clients.

Yeah,
she's special all right.

You intend to move in
or keep your own place?

Oh, I think I'll keep my own.

Fine. You can come
and go as you like.

I'll give you a key, okay?

Cynthia.

Xaviera, this is Cynthia.

How do you do?

Cynthia keeps the records
of who goes with whom
and how often.

And, normally,
the time is half an hour.

Some of the girls
make it sooner,

but the man is
entitled to half an hour.

If he goes more than
once during that time,
another charge.

I keep track
and I take the money.

Then she gives it to me.

Nice to meet you, Xaviera.

Nice to meet you, too.

(WOMAN MOANING)

(CACKLING)

Oh, chocolate's my favorite!

Peach Melba.

(CACKLING)

When do we eat?

And this is my study.

Xaviera, do you
usually dress that way?

Oh, no, I just thought
when in Rome, you know.

Well, you don't dress
like a hooker in a whorehouse.

And, anyway,
it's not your style.

Let's see.
Here, how about this?

Oh, that's beautiful.
It is.

Fred bought it for me
to get married in.

So far, he's bought me
six wedding dresses,
all the wrong size,

and no wedding.

It will fit you better anyway.
Go on. Try it.

What? Your wedding dress?

Well, I told you,
it doesn't fit. Like Fred.

Go on.

Now, the split here is 50-50.

At Georgette's place,
she gets sixty-forty,

but I don't see
how she keeps the girls.

Frankly,
I don't know how long
I can hold the line.

The price of food went up
seven percent last month.

It's just terrible.

Well, look,
when you're dressed,
come on downstairs.

You can start tonight.

Oh, the market
went down today,

and the Irish brokers
will be here in an hour,
drunk as lords.

They'd rather
drink than screw,

so get them away from the bar
as soon as you can.

Incidentally,
the rule of the house

is the Madam
gets first choice

of the clients, always.

Especially if she's horny.

And Madam is horny tonight.

Get ready,
I'll see you downstairs.

Okay.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Yeah, what?

I've got a man in a hurry
and everyone's busy.
Can you see him?

Yeah, sure. Send him in.

I'm sorry. My wife took
the kids to Lincoln Center

and I have to pick them up
in a half hour.

Well, then, let's get going.

I certainly appreciate this.

You know, you have
gorgeous brown eyes.

Thank you.

(WOMAN LAUGHING)

Well, well, well,
what are you
doing sweetheart?

Checking his pulse?

Hello, darling.

Where have you been
the last six days?

Don't you call?
Your finger's broken?
Excuse me.

Where are you going, honey?
Take him with you.

Go on, Fred.
Tonight she's on the house

'cause tomorrow,
she's on the street.

Madeleine, please.
We were just talking.

With your hands?

Come on now, Madeleine.
Don't get mad.

Mad? Who's mad?
Remember, we were going to
Key West for a vacation.

I was in Chicago.
I don't want to
know about it.

Go pack your things.

Madeleine,
what are you talking about?
I've been here nine years.

Nine years and ten seconds,
and that's ten seconds
too long.

Get out of my sight, okay?

Madeleine, come on.
We were just talking.

Out! Go.

Madeleine,
what did you do that for?
I just told her a joke.

Mmm-hmm. Some joke.

Sir.
Oh, sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. I'm late.

Here, is that enough? Good.

MADELEINE: Cynthia.

What are they doing up there?
Having a religious retreat?

I mean, where is everybody?

I got a party of six
coming any minute.

What should I do?

Get them down here.

Do your sound effects.

Look, Madeleine,
I kept trying to call you

and I kept getting
the intercept operator.

So, why didn't you take her
to Key West, baby?

Honey, it was only business.

I got back here
as soon as I could.

How was business? Good?

(CYNTHIA MOANING)

Well, hi.
Nice to see you again.

Nice to see you again.

Take a good look,
'cause he may not
be here much longer.

That's a very pretty dress.

Don't you recognize it, Fred?

No, should I?

Christ,
I think I'll have a drink.

Excuse me.

Thanks for helping.

I thought he'd take forever.

Well, if you haven't
fished the Navesink,
it's really quite a treat.

Hey, listen.
I'll tell you what.

I'll call Dad
and we'll set it up
for Saturday.

I can pick you up
at your place.

Have you got waders?
Yeah.

Cynthia.

Cynthia,
put on some music, will you?

This funeral parlor
is turning into a morgue.

Uh, Madeleine.

Yeah, Benson?

Can I have a word
with you a minute,
please, ma'am?

Well, sure, Benson.
What is it?

(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

As you know, I called you
all the way from Atlanta

to advise you
exactly what I wanted.
Yeah.

Well, this young lady
is refusing to participate.

She what?
That's right.

She refuses to participate.

Is this true Linda Jo?

You're giving Mr. Garfield
a hard time?

No, ma'am. I'm not giving
Mr. Garfield a hard time.

But I'm not doing any scenes
with any nigger.

Go upstairs.
I'll talk to you later.

A whole house full of girls,
and you got to
pick Scarlett O'Hara.

Everyone else was busy.

XAVIERA: Atlanta is
a long way, isn't it?

Well, I think
that Mr. Garfield has come
too far to be disappointed.

Don't you, Mr. Garfield?

(ONE TO ONE PLAYING ON STEREO)

(TURNS UP VOLUME)

* Only you and me

* One to one

* You are all I can see

* A special world
full of loving

* Leaving others behind

* I won't miss them

* You're the only one

* On my mind

* Let me fill your life

* We can find the things
we have been missing

* One to one

* It's the only way

* One to one

* And the sun lights the day

* What's done is done

* Now I love you

* There's no turnin' around

* You could hurt me

* But I'm not stepping down

* It's too late

* Let me hold you close

* We can't wait

* Let's share that sunshine

* One to all is nothing

* But one to one

* Is all

Gentlemen, I think
we're gonna have a party.

Shit!

(ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)

XAVIERA:
While working at Madeleine's,

I always took on the most
challenging assignments

in and out of the house.

Some of our clients
found in me the answer
to special needs

that they couldn't satisfy
with wives or girlfriends.

(WHIMPERING)

(DOG BARKING)

Get back!

Hey!

Stop it, you!

Shut up!

Watch those fast moves.
You better sit down.

Sit down!

Buddy here is vicious.

Why, just the other day,
he attacked this Doberman

and went right
for his jugular.

Well, that's nice.

Yeah. Couple of months ago,
he went after this doctor.

The stupid fellow
waved his bag at him.

It was all I could do
to keep Buddy from
just tearing him apart.

Here, Buddy. Here, Buddy.
Come on here, nice doggie.

See, see?
Dogs are my friends.

See, they're my friends.

Oh, Buddy, Buddy. See?

I had a German shepherd
in South Africa once.

He must be sick or something.

Something he ate.

Some preservatives
in his chow, maybe.

Well, down to business.

Ready when you are, Harry.

Come on.

Wait till she gets this,
I swear to God.

I hope I bust your balls.
I'll bust your balls.

You don't know how many times
she's called me.

Alimony this. Alimony that.

This time, it's my turn.

Hi, Agnes. It's me, Harry.

Well, I'm fine. How are you?

(LAUGHS)

Hey, you got any secrets? Huh?

Well, I got a secret,
and it's a hot one.

Guess what it is?
No, you gotta guess.

(DOG WHIMPERS)

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

Yeah.

And guess what I'm doing now?

(LAUGHING)

Attaboy, Buddy. Attaboy!

Yeah, I'll give you
three guesses
what we're doing.

Bow-wow, Harry. Bow-wow.

You got that, Agnes?

(IMITATES DOG BARKING)
Take that, Agnes! Bow-wow!

Okay?
Yeah, terrific.

How much I owe you?

XAVIERA: As my experience
grew at Madeleine's,

I got more ambitious.
I wanted to be independent.

So, during my free hours,
I searched for
and I finally found

an apartment to
open my own house.

Xaviera.

Yeah.

I found it under the bed.

Oh, thank you.

Well, so long.

I wish you weren't going,
Xaviera.

I'll only be ten blocks away.
You come and visit.

Of all the girls leaving,
I wish you'd stay.

That's nice of you
to say that.

I'll miss you.
I'll miss you so much.

Give you a call.

Okay.

XAVIERA:
I took with me some of
Madeleine's best girls.

The clients followed,
and I was on my way.

Hey, big-shit Madam bitch,

bet you ain't got
no black ass

turning tricks in your
high-class fucking house.

Bet your midget-dick
white johns can't buy

no licorice
in you candy store.

Oh, she afraid the black
gonna rub off all over

her beautiful white sheets.

Ain't you, honey?

Aurora's black.

Oh, shit, man,
that mixed rat ain't black.

She half white.

The scumbag don't know
what the fuck she is.

Kick her ass.

Now, cut that out,
you hear me?

Cut it!

You girls are aging me
before my time.

XAVIERA: Pretty soon,
I was running
a tight little business

with girls for
men of all tastes,

who needed
the opportunity to drop

their respectability
with their trousers.

XAVIERA: No, Max. No.

No, come on, now.
Come off it, will you?

Don't be so silly.
Now look...

Will you listen to me, Max?

Now look, it's the whole...
It's the whole thing
that was no good.

It was... I mean,
having the girls there
was just absolutely...

It's not you that
I object to, Max.

It's those two
goon buddies of yours.

Yeah. Well,
they got their wooden legs
and their rubber... What?

No, no, I was
conscious to the bitter end,
so my word is just...

All right, Max.
Yeah, you got your time
as always. You know that.

Yeah. Okay.

Bye-bye.

I think they're fags.

Who?

Bert and Ernie
on Sesame Street.

That stuff won't
bring the swelling down.

I'm not drinking for my face.

I'm drinking for my head.

Won't help your head, either.

Crummy bastard.

If I was strong as he,
I might've killed him.

Did he ask you
for those uppers?

No.

Then you shouldn't have
given them to him.

I wanted to see him turn red.

You succeeded all right.

WOMAN: Xaviera.
Yeah?

Thank you.
What time is it?

Almost your bedtime again.

Hello, Cynthia, baby. What?

How are you?

What? What do you mean?
What sort of proposition?

You sure? Oh, come on,
don't believe it.

No, I can't come at 12:00,
I've got a client coming.

No. All right.
Tell her I'll be there.

All right? Okay, bye.

That was Cynthia.

Madeleine wants to sell out.

Lucille,
Uh, Long Branch is
coming at 12:00

and you take
care of him, okay?

Sure. Him and his oil rig.

Chris,
you take care of the calls,

and there's more
hot chocolate on the stove.

$50,000 cash,
plus 10% of the net receipts
for the next two years.

I don't believe it.

You want it or not?

You took six
of my best girls already.

What do you think
I am, a blood bank?

When did you find out?
It's not possible.

It's nature,
that's what it is.

I mean,
that's what sex is for,
isn't it? Maybe.

Yeah, but I...

$35,000 and no percentage,
and you shut up.

Was it Fred?

Yeah, Fred.
I can't believe it myself.

Four husbands,
a thousand times
as many clients,

and a meat-packer
from Chicago knocks me up.

Well, I'm sure
you'll love Chicago.

I don't care
if it's Jersey City,

I'm going to have a baby.

$20,000, no percentage,
plus the rent, of course.

You are some bitch.

Five now,
and the rest in three months.

You'd do that
to an expectant mother?

And that is providing
that the clients
in your book are living,

so I'm not buying
a god damn cemetery,

and that the lease is held
in my lawyer's name.

Cash.

Cash.

How do you like my dress?

Oh, beautiful.

Fred bought it for me.

And you know what? It fits.

Madeleine,
John Burden is here

and there's nobody
to take care of him.

Well, then, you do it.

Me?

Go ahead,
pretend you're just watching.

Oh, no, Madeleine,
I couldn't.

I said, you do it

'cause I'm going
out of business.

Mr. Burden.

No one's available, huh?

I am.

You?

What's so funny?

Well, uh,
you're the bookkeeper,
aren't you?

Yes.

Well, I was just
looking for someone

with a little more experience,
that's all.

Give me your hand,
Mr. Burden.

What?

You're hand, give it to me.

Now, squeeze.

There. Can you get
yours as hard as that?

What do you think, Xaviera?

Do you think and old whore
can be a good mother?

You were never a whore,
you were a madam.

Remember,
the rest in three months.
Fred'll pick it up.

Good luck.

You know what?

I told Fred
since he knocked me up,
he had to marry me.

I just hope the real
reason is my money.

Just wouldn't want
the father of my child
to be a sucker.

Mmm. I'm sure
it was the money.

I hope so.

The longer I live,
the less I know.

(WOMAN MOANING)

XAVIERA: Within three months,

I had paid off Madeleine
and had so many clients

that the demands of
my professional life
started to get to me.

Though I serviced
a few regular
customers myself,

the enormous cash flow
and the job of keeping

everything in shape
required nearly all
my time and attention.

I had become
the most successful
madam in New York,

but managing
the business at all hours
made it almost impossible

for me to take an active part
in the life of my house.

I didn't even have
the time or energy

to enjoy my own
Christmas party.

WOMAN: Listen,
it'll only take a second.

I spent a lot of money
on this demo.

You said I needed
a gimmick, right?

Right. Gotta have a gimmick.

Well, have I got a gimmick.

Now listen. Here it goes.

(HAPPY HOOKER PLAYING ON TAPE)

Carlos. Carlos!

* I'm the happy hooker
Queen of your life

* All you could handle
My price is always right

(SINGING)
* If you're feeling stronger
and you want me longer

* I'll always be
ready to ball

* I'm the happy hooker
Happy and gay

* For due consideration
per hour I play

* You could have
a queer streak

* Crazy or a whip freak

* Come over
or give me a call

* Your date is cold

* Your mate is old

* So come and taste this box
of treats I've got to sell

* Life goes on, boy

* I'll give you joy

* The many pleasures of
my house will ring your bell

* I'm the happy hooker
Joy of your life

* Leave me delighted
Go back to your wife

* Keep your own life steady

* I am always ready

* My house never
closes at all

* You're low on cash

* You want to bash?

(LINDA JO CACKLING)

Carlos.

Oh, Xaviera,
I need some more
whipped cream.

Could you get Carlos for me?

Oh, I love this dress.

Mmm. You're fabulous.

Fabulous.

(HUMMING)

Oh, Carlos, you get Linda Jo
whatever she wants, okay?

(WOMAN MOANS)

(CACKLING)

Yes, darling, yes.

Mommy's coming home
right away.

No, no.

Now, you go right back to bed
and you won't see
any more gorillas.

They're all in the zoo.

Yes, darling.
Now, let me speak to Daddy.

Jeff, it's just breaking up.

Why, you should've come.

But you know how
you hate my sister.

If it gets too late,
I'll sleep on the couch
and take the morning train.

All right.

All right. Bye.

Love you, too.

I should have
gone home hours ago.

You better keep
your life straight.

I've got one more,
then I'll catch the 1:37.

CHRIS: I only had
two joints in my purse.

And only 15 years old.

Then the Turks took us
back from the border.
Put us on trial.

Couldn't your parents help?
I mean, after all...

Um, my father sent a telegram
from Beverly Hills.

Told them to keep me.
It'd do me good.

I wish I would've known,
I might've helped.

The Turks used to
come by my cell,
once, maybe twice a day.

Give me what they called
an examination.

As if we could get
dope into that place.

Barbarians.

My brother finally got me out.

He bribed everybody.

No wonder you didn't want
to go home after all that.

I sure didn't want to
see my parents again.
No.

When they examined you,
what was the procedure?

Well, at first they...

Not yet.

Wait till we get upstairs.

Okay.

Goodnight, Aurora.

Goodnight, Cynthia.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(RINGING)

Hello. What?

No, sorry, I don't know
anybody called Taggart.

What? You were
recommended by who?

Oh. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, well,
we're kind of busy tonight.

Oh, how many?

Okay, yeah,
what do you like to drink?

Oh, Scotch. Yeah,
I love the taste of Scotch.

Okay. Bye.

Fellow of the name Taggart.
Party of three. Scotch.

You don't need any more.

What do you mean?
I always need more.

Hi, I'm Chris.

Hello.

I'm Mr. Taggart.
Hi.

This is Mr. Ryan,
Mr. Wilkins.

Hello.

Where's the mistress
of the house?

Oh, she's upstairs,
she'll be down in a minute.

Would you like a drink?

Sure, I'll have
Scotch and soda.

None for me.
Yeah, me either.

Make it a beer.
Two.

Oh, okay.
Um, why don't you sit down?

Thanks.

Mr. Taggart's party of three?

Evening.
You must be Xaviera.

Yeah, Chris getting you
the drinks?

Yes, but drinks
aren't what we came for.

Not everything you drink
comes out of a bottle.

I see old Joe
didn't steer us wrong.
No.

Out of town boys, are you?

No, no, no. New Yorkers.
Oh, yeah.

We get together
once a month for dinner.
We went to school together.

Oh, really, where?
Fordham.

You all in the same class?

Ryan and me were.
Wilkins was a year behind.

Ah, poor baby.

Well, listen, I told you
we were big spenders
and we wanted Scotch,

but this may be
too big for us.

I mean, like, wow!
Out of our league.

I mean, like,
we're family men, you know.

Well, have your drinks
and enjoy the hospitality
of the house.

No, no, no.
I mean, what's the...

What's the... You know.

I mean, like,
how much for, you know?

No, I don't know.

Well, like, how much is it?

How much is what?

For a French.

How much for a French?

What do we get for our money?

Well, why don't you just
drink up, gentlemen.

It's been awful
nice meeting you.

French. Did you say French?
Yeah.

Well, let's see,
we got French.

We got Greek.

We can take you
around the world.

Police, you're under arrest.

All right, you guys.
Come on up.

I guess I said
something wrong, huh?

Wilkins, get in here.
Borrelli, check the kitchen.

The rest of you men,
check the rooms upstairs.
All of them.

So, here we are again.

I told you so, baby.

You've done pretty
well for yourself, huh?

TAGGART:
Get out and watch the front.

Did you hear me?

I'll be seeing you.

Give this girl a seat.

Give this girl a seat y'all.

(ALL SHOUTING)

Find the lady a seat.

(ALL SHOUTING)

You stop it!

They're here, you girls.

The man's going
to see you now.

(WOMEN CONTINUE SHOUTING)

You're full of shit, Alex.

Maybe, but I'm a good lawyer.

What, two grand a piece
sounds good to you?

You'd prefer
six months in jail?

I'm cold.

Come on.
I'll give you a ride home.

Home? What home?

I got you a hotel.

No, thanks.
I'll walk a while.

I'll be in the office
later if you need me.

Okay.

Oh, Xaviera,

I got a Canadian bigwig
coming in from Montreal.

I was wondering...

When I find a bed,
you send him by.

Come on.

XAVIERA:
When things get rough,
I just move on.

Get my girls together again.

Let my clients know
where to find me.

Like I said,
I love this business.

What're you doing?
Get out of here!

Excuse me, miss,
he's just a boy.

I know, you're all boys.

(BOYS CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)

She likes you!
She likes you!

She likes you.

* I can make you happy

* I can turn you on

* Bring me all your troubles

* Soon they'll be gone

* Just put yourself
in my hands, baby

* Whatever you want me to do

* I'll do

* Just put yourself
in my hands, baby

* I'll know how to handle you

* Life can be so good, baby

* Let me prove it to you

* You don't have to
worry about anything

* All you have to do
is just let yourself go

* Yesterday is a memory

* Tomorrow is far away

* All we've got is now

* Live for today

* Just put yourself
in my hands, baby

* Whatever you want me to do

* I'll do

* Just put yourself
in my hands, baby

* I'll know how to handle you

* Feeling blue, baby?

* Has life got you down?

* Why don't you come to me?

* Let me make it all right

* I know exactly what to do

* We don't have to hurry

* We can take it slow

* Let this thing between us

* Take time to grow

* Just put yourself
in my hands, baby

* If you're looking
for help from a friend

* Try me

* Just put yourself
in my hands, baby

* Pleasing you, my specialty

* Put yourself
in my hands, baby

* Whatever you want me to do

* I'll do

* Just put yourself
in my hands, baby

* I'll know how

* To handle you

* All you have to do is

* Just turn
yourself over to me, baby

* You know what I'm gonna do?

* I'm gonna make
you feel so good

* Why don't we take
a trip together?

* Baby, just put yourself
in my hands

* Baby, you won't be sorry,
I promise you

* Yeah, baby, you're gonna
have a very good time

* Baby, just put yourself
in my hands

* Come on