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1
00:00:02,936 --> 00:00:05,039
- SO YOU'RE DATING
SOMEONE AT THE HOSPITAL?
2
00:00:05,073 --> 00:00:07,475
- WHICH HOSPITAL?
3
00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:10,244
- YOU'RE DATING PEOPLE
AT MORE THAN ONE HOSPITAL?
4
00:00:10,278 --> 00:00:13,347
- I'M DATING MULTIPLE PEOPLE
AT MULTIPLE HOSPITALS.
5
00:00:13,381 --> 00:00:15,216
- HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
6
00:00:15,249 --> 00:00:18,486
- SPEND A LOT OF TIME
IN HOSPITALS, MAN.
7
00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:20,020
- DO THEY ALL KNOW
ABOUT EACH OTHER?
8
00:00:20,054 --> 00:00:21,822
- OF COURSE, I'M PROMISCUOUS,
NOT DISHONEST.
9
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:25,025
- HEY, HEY, YOU BOYS NEED
TO CLEAN OUT THOSE MAILBOXES.
10
00:00:25,059 --> 00:00:26,527
THEY ARE OVERFLOWING
WITH DETRITUS.
11
00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:28,429
IT'S SLOVENLY.
12
00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:30,998
HANK, THERE'S A JET MAGAZINE
IN YOUR SLOT
13
00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:33,101
WITH SKINNY OPRAH
ON THE COVER.
14
00:00:33,134 --> 00:00:34,702
SHE AIN'T BEEN SKINNY
SINCE '09.
15
00:00:34,735 --> 00:00:36,337
- I DON'T GET JET MAGAZINE.
16
00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:38,906
- I DON'T GET SKINNY OPRAH.
I LIKE HER PLUMP.
17
00:00:38,939 --> 00:00:40,541
GO ON, CLEAN 'EM OUT NOW.
18
00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:42,543
- IT'D BE GREAT
IF YOU COULD DO IT SOON.
19
00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:44,345
THE WHOLE THING'S REALLY KICKING
OFF STATS' COUNTING DISORDER.
20
00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:47,281
- 64, 65, 66, 67.
21
00:00:47,315 --> 00:00:50,218
THERE ARE 67 PIECES OF MAIL
IN YOUR SLOT, HENRY.
22
00:00:50,251 --> 00:00:51,452
- OKAY, DAMN.
DAMN, GIRL.
23
00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:52,753
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
24
00:00:52,786 --> 00:00:54,054
- SO THAT'S--
THAT'S DONE.
25
00:00:54,088 --> 00:00:55,689
- HEY, YOU HAPPY?
26
00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:57,291
- OKAY, YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.
THANK YOU, HENRY.
27
00:00:57,325 --> 00:00:58,559
- MM-HMM.
28
00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:00,094
- WELL, LOOK AT THIS.
29
00:01:00,128 --> 00:01:02,730
THIS IS FANCY.
30
00:01:02,763 --> 00:01:05,032
PERSONAL AND HAND-LETTERED,
HENRY ST. CLARE.
31
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,468
- HMM, CALLIGRAPHY.
- YEAH.
32
00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:09,403
- SOMEONE'S GETTING MARRIED.
- WHO?
33
00:01:09,437 --> 00:01:11,605
- OH, SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T HAVE
MY CURRENT HOME ADDRESS
34
00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:13,374
OR CELL NUMBER.
35
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:15,776
SOMEONE WHO CHEATED ON ME
WITH THAT BUSBOY.
36
00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:17,778
SOMEONE WHO I COULD CARE
ABSOLUTELY LESS ABOUT.
37
00:01:17,811 --> 00:01:19,647
- JEFF THE CHEF, HOLY SH--.
- MM-HMM.
38
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:21,149
- IS HE MARRYING
THE BUSBOY?
39
00:01:21,182 --> 00:01:24,985
- NO, HE'S MARRYING
ALEJANDRO.
40
00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:26,620
- OH, MY GOD,
HE'S MARRYING YOUR BROTHER?
41
00:01:26,654 --> 00:01:28,489
- NO.
42
00:01:28,522 --> 00:01:31,459
- YOUR COUSIN?
THAT'S SO--
43
00:01:31,492 --> 00:01:33,294
OH, MY.
44
00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:34,628
- BRIAN, COULD YOU
GIVE ME A HAND
45
00:01:34,662 --> 00:01:35,763
IN THE SUPPLY CLOSET PLEASE?
46
00:01:35,796 --> 00:01:37,064
- I KINDA WANT TO BE HERE
47
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,299
TO OFFER HANK
SOME EMOTIONAL SUPPORT.
48
00:01:38,332 --> 00:01:40,234
- BRIAN, SUPPLY CLOSET, NOW.
49
00:01:40,268 --> 00:01:41,502
- IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION,
I THINK THAT YOUR EYES
50
00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:44,172
ARE WAY MORE SOULFUL
THAN ALEJANDRO'S.
51
00:01:44,205 --> 00:01:47,408
- AND YOUR MAILBOX IS CLEAN,
SO THERE'S THAT.
52
00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:49,443
- LOOK, I KNOW THIS STINGS
RIGHT NOW,
53
00:01:49,477 --> 00:01:51,245
BUT THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
54
00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:53,647
- DEUCE.
- WHAT?
55
00:01:53,681 --> 00:01:55,683
- CAN I CALL YOU "SON"?
- NO.
56
00:01:55,716 --> 00:01:57,418
- WELL, I'M DOING IT ANYWAY
57
00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,119
'CAUSE THIS IS A FATHER-SON
TYPE TALK.
58
00:01:59,153 --> 00:02:00,621
SON, THIS GUY
ALE-WHAT'S-HIS-FACE
59
00:02:00,654 --> 00:02:02,690
MAY LOOK LIKE YOU,
60
00:02:02,723 --> 00:02:04,958
BUT WHOEVER THE HELL HE IS
HE AIN'T GOT WHAT YOU GOT.
61
00:02:04,992 --> 00:02:07,161
- WHICH IS?
- YOUR FREEDOM.
62
00:02:07,195 --> 00:02:10,264
YOU CAN DATE ALL THE BOYS
IN BOYSTOWN IF YOU WANT.
63
00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:12,433
YOU'D BE EXHAUSTED,
BUT YOU COULD DO IT.
64
00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:14,302
- THIS IS YOUR
TOUCHING, IMPORTANT
65
00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:15,769
FATHER-SON TYPE MESSAGE?
66
00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:17,438
- GOD DAMN IT,
I'M NEW TO THIS SH--.
67
00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:19,440
AND I'M NOT FINISHED YET.
68
00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:22,276
THIS JUST GOES TO SHOW
HOW GREAT YOU ARE,
69
00:02:22,310 --> 00:02:24,812
THAT THIS CHEF ASSHOLE
IS MARRYING A GUY
70
00:02:24,845 --> 00:02:26,514
WHO'S THE SPITTING IMAGE
OF YOU.
71
00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:29,116
I MEAN, YOU ARE SUCH
A PRIZE
72
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:30,718
THAT HE WENT
AND FOUND HISSELF
73
00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:33,487
A GODDAMN
HANK ST. CLARE CLONE.
74
00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:35,789
HOW WAS THAT?
- NOT BAD.
75
00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:37,291
- YOU KNOW WHAT, CASH?
YOU'RE RIGHT.
76
00:02:37,325 --> 00:02:38,826
- YOU CAN CALL ME "POPS."
77
00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:40,228
- JEFF IS MARRYING
THE DISCOUNT VERSION OF ME.
78
00:02:40,261 --> 00:02:42,296
- MM-HMM.
- OR BIG PAPI.
79
00:02:42,330 --> 00:02:44,832
- AND DO YOU REMEMBER
HOW PRETENTIOUS JEFF COULD BE?
80
00:02:44,865 --> 00:02:45,699
- OH, WITH HIS
FRENCH FUSION CUISINE
81
00:02:45,733 --> 00:02:47,301
- OH, BARF.
82
00:02:47,335 --> 00:02:48,969
- AND GODDAMN
ASIAN OPERA BULLSH--.
83
00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:50,804
YOU JUST KNOW JEFF AND HIS
LITTLE FAKE-ASS HANK HUSBAND
84
00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:52,640
GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE
ANNOYING COUPLES
85
00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:55,042
THAT ADOPTS, LIKE, SIX KIDS
FROM DIFFERENT COUNTRIES,
86
00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:57,511
NAMES 'EM SH-- LIKE BRYCE
AND TRISTAN.
87
00:02:57,545 --> 00:03:00,414
- IN KENYA THE FATHER FIGURE
IS CALLED "BABA."
88
00:03:00,448 --> 00:03:02,416
BIG BABA.
89
00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:03,751
TRY IT ON.
90
00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:05,018
- I DID, DON'T FIT.
91
00:03:05,052 --> 00:03:06,587
- HEY.
92
00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:08,722
- GUESS WHO I JUST GOT
A WEDDING INVITATION FROM.
93
00:03:08,756 --> 00:03:10,591
- OH, UH, LET ME GUESS.
94
00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:13,361
UH, YOUR COLLEGE ROOMMATE
WHO YOU JUST HAD TO SET UP
95
00:03:13,394 --> 00:03:14,762
WITH MY BEST FRIEND, HANK,
WHO THEN CHEATED ON HIM,
96
00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:16,364
BROKE HIS HEART, AND BASICALLY
RUINED LAST SUMMER?
97
00:03:16,397 --> 00:03:18,332
- YOU GOT AN INVITE TOO?
- NO, HANK DID.
98
00:03:18,366 --> 00:03:20,868
- SH--!
THAT IS WHAT I WAS AFRAID OF.
99
00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:22,169
I MEAN, HE'S BASICALLY
MARRYING HANK,
100
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:23,704
IF HANK HAD
A PRETTIER NAME.
101
00:03:23,737 --> 00:03:25,506
- I KNOW.
- IS HE OKAY?
102
00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:27,040
- I MEAN, IF THE WEDDING
IS THIS WEEKEND,
103
00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:29,377
HOW TACKY IS THAT?
- DAMN TACKY, SON.
104
00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:30,611
- AND LOOK AT
THIS INVITATION.
105
00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:32,045
REALLY, BITCH,
CALLIGRAPHY?
106
00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:33,247
SH-- AIN'T EVEN GOT
PROPER MARGINS.
107
00:03:33,281 --> 00:03:34,682
LOOK AT THAT.
- UH, SO-SO.
108
00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:36,216
IT COULD GO EITHER WAY.
109
00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:37,851
HEY, DO ME A FAVOR.
110
00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:39,353
IF WE EVER BREAK UP
FOR REAL SOME DAY,
111
00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:40,621
AND YOU MEET MY DEAD RINGER
AND MARRY HIM,
112
00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:42,022
WILL YOU INVITE ME
TO THE WEDDING?
113
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,391
I WANNA SEE WHAT I LOOK LIKE
IN A TUX.
114
00:03:43,424 --> 00:03:44,625
- THERE IS NO WAY
I'D WASTE 50 BUCKS
115
00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:45,693
ON A STEAK DINNER FOR YOU.
116
00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:47,194
- I'LL ORDER THE CHICKEN.
117
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:50,130
[hip-hop music]
118
00:03:50,163 --> 00:03:58,238
*
119
00:04:07,315 --> 00:04:09,650
[static crackling]
120
00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:12,586
[laughter and chatter]
121
00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:14,087
- I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND
122
00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:16,924
WHY GAY GUYS
WANT TO GET MARRIED.
123
00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:18,125
I MEAN, WE HAD A SWEET DEAL
IN THE OLD DAYS.
124
00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:20,060
DANCE, DRINK, SCREW.
125
00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:21,995
SHOP, EAT,
SCREW SOMEONE ELSE.
126
00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:24,164
DRINK, DANCE,
GO SEE MADONNA.
127
00:04:24,197 --> 00:04:26,233
SCREW SOME BACKUP DANCER
FOR MADONNA.
128
00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:27,601
NO KIDS, NO RINGS,
NO DIVORCE.
129
00:04:27,635 --> 00:04:29,437
IT WAS PERFECT.
130
00:04:29,470 --> 00:04:32,139
- OTHER THAN THE MADONNA STUFF,
IT SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD.
131
00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:35,409
- ON TOP OF WHICH,
I WON THIS BATTLE.
132
00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:36,844
BITCH IS MARRYING A BROTHER
LOOK JUST LIKE ME.
133
00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:38,312
WHO THE HELL
MISSES WHO HERE?
134
00:04:38,346 --> 00:04:39,813
AM I RIGHT?
- YEAH.
135
00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:41,649
- YOU ARE GORGEOUS.
136
00:04:41,682 --> 00:04:42,783
AND UNLIKE
YOUR PARTNER OVER HERE,
137
00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:44,418
A GREAT DANCER.
138
00:04:44,452 --> 00:04:45,753
- AND A FREE MAN.
139
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:47,421
- YOU'RE A REAL CATCH, HANK.
- YEAH.
140
00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:48,822
- YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU RIGHT.
- MM-HMM.
141
00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:50,257
- I'M THE GODDAMN
CATCH OF THE COUNTY,
142
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:51,592
AND I'M TAKING
THIS FINE BLACK ASS
143
00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:52,826
TO MY FAVORITE PICKUP JOINT.
144
00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:54,495
- GAY BAR DOWN THE STREET.
145
00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:55,696
- YEP, CALLED THE HOSPITAL.
146
00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:57,130
DONNIE, THE CUTE
PUERTO RICAN DOCTOR,
147
00:04:57,164 --> 00:04:58,699
GETS OFF AT 11:00.
148
00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:00,133
AND I'M GONNA MAKE HIM
MY PATIENT TONIGHT.
149
00:05:00,167 --> 00:05:01,335
- OOH.
150
00:05:01,369 --> 00:05:03,003
- OR VICE VERSA.
- NICE.
151
00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:04,505
- AND YOU GUYS ARE COMING BACK
FROM THAT WEDDING
152
00:05:04,538 --> 00:05:06,006
WITH A FULL REPORT
ON ALEJANDRO,
153
00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:07,708
WHO I'M BETTING WILL BE
A VERY SISSIFIED,
154
00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:10,310
PRISSY VERSION OF MOI.
155
00:05:10,344 --> 00:05:12,646
- OOH.
156
00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:15,182
- AU REVOIR.
157
00:05:15,215 --> 00:05:17,485
- HEY, YOU CANNOT
GO TO THAT WEDDING.
158
00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:18,986
HE'S HURTING INSIDE.
159
00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:20,521
- I KNOW, I GOTTA STAY
AND KEEP WATCH,
160
00:05:20,554 --> 00:05:21,889
BUT THAT'S WHY
YOU'VE GOTTA GO
161
00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:24,492
AND REPORT BACK THAT
THIS ALEJANDRO CHARACTER
162
00:05:24,525 --> 00:05:26,026
IS A SH-- DANCER,
FIVE-FEET TALL,
163
00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:27,361
AND BASICALLY
A CHICK WITH A DICK.
164
00:05:27,395 --> 00:05:29,129
- FINE.
165
00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:30,464
- HEY, THERESA, IF YOU NEED
A PLUS-ONE FOR THE WEDDING,
166
00:05:30,498 --> 00:05:31,899
I'D BE HAPPY TO JOIN YOU.
167
00:05:31,932 --> 00:05:33,534
- WHATEVER.
- BOOM.
168
00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:34,668
- THAT OKAY
WITH YOU, VOO?
169
00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:36,737
- YEAH, OF COURSE.
170
00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:38,506
- ARE YOU GUYS DATING?
171
00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:40,340
both: NO.
172
00:05:40,374 --> 00:05:41,375
- BRIAN LOVES WEDDINGS.
173
00:05:41,409 --> 00:05:43,010
- I STUDY THEM.
174
00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:44,712
SEEN ALL THE MOVIES.
- [whispering] EVERY ONE.
175
00:05:44,745 --> 00:05:46,880
- MY ONLY PROBLEM WITH
FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL
176
00:05:46,914 --> 00:05:49,917
WAS THAT IT WASN'T CALLED
FIVE WEDDINGS AND NO FUNERAL.
177
00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:52,920
PLUS I KNOW HOW
TO DO THE FOXTROT.
178
00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:55,923
- WELL, THIS IS GONNA BE
A HIP GAY WEDDING.
179
00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:57,991
YOU KNOW,
THEY'RE NOT GONNA BE DANCING
180
00:05:58,025 --> 00:06:00,260
TO ROLL OUT THE BARREL,
SO...
181
00:06:00,293 --> 00:06:02,362
- ACTUALLY,
THAT'S A POLKA.
182
00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:03,864
BUT I KNOW
HOW TO DO THAT TOO.
183
00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:05,899
SO WE ARE COVERED.
184
00:06:05,933 --> 00:06:07,435
I HAVE SURPRISINGLY
STRONG CALVES.
185
00:06:07,468 --> 00:06:09,770
I CAN DANCE ALL NIGHT.
- COOL.
186
00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:10,771
- I'LL BE YOUR
DANCE INSURANCE.
187
00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:12,506
- OOH.
[laughter]
188
00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:14,341
- NO, HONESTLY,
HE MAKES YOU SIGN SOMETHING.
189
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:15,743
- I WILL.
- IT'S REALLY INTIMIDATING.
190
00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:17,377
- A WAIVER?
- JUST FOR JUST BOTH OUR SAFETY.
191
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:23,617
- SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT?
192
00:06:23,651 --> 00:06:25,519
- FANTASTIC.
- GOOD.
193
00:06:25,553 --> 00:06:27,921
- DOCTOR HAD A PUERTO RICAN
FLAG TATTOO ON HIS ASS.
194
00:06:27,955 --> 00:06:29,623
WAY WE WERE GOING,
I HALF EXPECTED
195
00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:32,526
TO FIND PUERTO RICO JUST OFF
THE COAST OF NEW JERSEY.
196
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:33,594
- [laughing] WELL,
I'M GLAD YOU'RE DOING WELL.
197
00:06:33,627 --> 00:06:34,895
- NEVER BEEN BETTER, MAN.
198
00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:36,930
NEVER BEEN BETTER.
199
00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:38,699
WHAT THE NAME OF THE GUY
JEFF'S MARRYING AGAIN?
200
00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:40,801
- OH, ALEJANDRO.
- ALEJANDRO.
201
00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:42,402
- ALEJANDRO.
202
00:06:42,436 --> 00:06:44,104
SATURDAY,
YOU AND ME, BRO.
203
00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:45,906
TWO SEATS ON THE GLASS,
BLACKHAWKS/BRUINS.
204
00:06:45,939 --> 00:06:48,108
- YEAH, WAY BETTER THAN
GOING TO A DUMB WEDDING.
205
00:06:48,141 --> 00:06:50,410
- IS THAT THE SAME DAY
AS THE WEDDING?
206
00:06:50,444 --> 00:06:51,912
OH, I HAD NO IDEA.
207
00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:53,747
WOW, I'M SO SHALLOW.
208
00:06:53,781 --> 00:06:57,585
- WELL, HE SENT YOU
AN INVITATION.
209
00:06:57,618 --> 00:07:00,420
- CHICAGO NORTH AMBULANCE
NEEDED, LINCOLN PARK.
210
00:07:00,454 --> 00:07:02,289
- AMBULANCE 14 RESPONDING.
211
00:07:02,322 --> 00:07:04,057
I KNEW WHEN
THE DAMN WEDDING WAS.
212
00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:05,993
- I'M JUST SAYING,
HE SENT YOU AN INVITATION.
213
00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:07,828
- HIT ME FLUSH.
214
00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:09,630
GODDAMN DIRECT HIT.
215
00:07:09,663 --> 00:07:11,465
- AND JUST TO BE CLEAR,
IT WAS A SOFTBALL, CORRECT?
216
00:07:11,499 --> 00:07:13,467
- YEAH, AND MY NUTS
FEEL LIKE THEY'RE
217
00:07:13,501 --> 00:07:14,802
ABOUT A MILLION DEGREES
RIGHT NOW.
218
00:07:14,835 --> 00:07:16,436
- I'M SORRY.
219
00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:18,305
- WHAT KIND OF A PITCH
WAS THAT, GREG?
220
00:07:18,338 --> 00:07:19,773
IT'S SLOW PITCH, MAN.
221
00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:21,308
THAT WAS A FREAKING
LASER BEAM.
222
00:07:21,341 --> 00:07:22,676
- ALL RIGHT, SIR.
223
00:07:22,710 --> 00:07:24,244
DROP YOUR PANTS.
LET ME EXAMINE THE INJURY.
224
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,613
- RIGHT HERE?
- THE SOONER YOU DROP 'EM,
225
00:07:25,646 --> 00:07:27,515
THE SOONER WE CAN GET YOU
FIXED UP.
226
00:07:27,548 --> 00:07:28,682
- NO NEED TO WORRY, SIR.
IT'S A COMMON SPORTS INJURY.
227
00:07:28,716 --> 00:07:30,450
IT HURTS LIKE HELL,
BUT NINE TIMES OUTTA TEN
228
00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:31,919
IT'S JUST A LITTLE--
OH, MY GOD.
229
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,587
- WHAT?
230
00:07:33,621 --> 00:07:35,523
- OH, MY GOD,
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
231
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:37,625
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY BALLS?
- I CAN'T DO THIS.
232
00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:39,159
- WHAT'S WRONG
WITH MY BALLS?
233
00:07:39,192 --> 00:07:41,094
AM I GONNA LOSE MY BALLS?
OH, MY GOD!
234
00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:42,596
- JUST CALM DOWN.
- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
235
00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:43,797
- YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.
JUST CALM DOWN.
236
00:07:43,831 --> 00:07:45,966
- HE SAID--WHAT DID HE MEAN?
237
00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:47,801
- IT'S A BRUISE.
YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.
238
00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:49,269
NOW WE COULD TAKE YOU
TO THE UROLOGIST,
239
00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:51,171
BUT BETWEEN
THE DOCTOR AND THE NURSE
240
00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:52,640
THAT'S JUST TWO MORE PEOPLE
THAT ARE GONNA SEE YOUR JUNK.
241
00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:53,941
YOUR BEST BET IS TO ICE IT DOWN
FOR 20 MINUTES
242
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:55,475
AND WALK IT OFF.
243
00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:56,977
BRIAN, HANDLE THIS.
244
00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:59,613
- BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN
ONE OF THESE BEFORE.
245
00:07:59,647 --> 00:08:02,349
HI.
246
00:08:02,382 --> 00:08:04,317
WHAT I MEANT WAS
I'VE NEVER DEALT
247
00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:05,819
WITH THIS
PARTICULAR INJURY.
248
00:08:05,853 --> 00:08:09,990
I'VE OBVIOUSLY
SEEN PENISES BEFORE.
249
00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:12,826
NOT A LOT.
MOSTLY MINE.
250
00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:15,128
AND OLD GUYS
AT THE GYM.
251
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:16,830
WHAT IS IT WITH OLD GUYS
AND NUDITY?
252
00:08:16,864 --> 00:08:18,732
- YEAH, RIGHT?
- EXACTLY.
253
00:08:18,766 --> 00:08:21,969
- SHUT UP, GREG!
254
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,905
- OKAY, I'M JUST GONNA--
RIGHT.
255
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:27,374
- THAT GUY'S PENIS.
256
00:08:27,407 --> 00:08:28,709
- YEAH?
257
00:08:28,742 --> 00:08:31,011
- GOD, THIS IS SO STUPID.
258
00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:32,846
- TELL ME, BRO.
259
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:36,584
- THAT GUY HAD THE EXACT
SAME PENIS AS JEFF THE CHEF.
260
00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:38,586
THE EXACT SAME ONE.
261
00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:40,588
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
262
00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:42,155
- DON'T THEY ALL PRETTY MUCH
LOOK THE SAME?
263
00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:43,857
- SOMETIMES IF THERE'S
A LOT OF GUYS INVOLVED
264
00:08:43,891 --> 00:08:45,893
AND I'M DRUNK, YEAH.
265
00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:48,228
BUT JEFF'S,
HIS WAS SPECIAL.
266
00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:51,765
I COULD PICK HIS DICK OUT OF
A ROOM FULL OF DICKS.
267
00:08:51,799 --> 00:08:54,034
- WE'RE A LITTLE OUTSIDE
OF MY AREA OF EXPERTISE HERE.
268
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:56,036
- I JUST WASN'T EXPECTING
TO SEE MY PAST
269
00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:57,738
STARING ME IN THE FACE
LIKE THAT, JOHN.
270
00:08:57,771 --> 00:09:00,040
GOD, SH--.
271
00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:02,075
WHAT AM I DOING?
WHERE AM I GOING?
272
00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:03,711
WHAT THE HELL
IS HAPPENING TO ME?
273
00:09:03,744 --> 00:09:06,413
THAT INVITATION
REALLY MESSED ME UP, BRO.
274
00:09:06,446 --> 00:09:08,749
- I KNOW.
275
00:09:08,782 --> 00:09:12,620
I KNOW.
276
00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:14,622
THINK THERESA COULD PICK MY DICK
OUT OF A ROOM FULL OF DICKS?
277
00:09:14,655 --> 00:09:17,090
- HANK, WE GOT A CALL
FROM YOUR MOM.
278
00:09:17,124 --> 00:09:18,558
SHE NEEDS HELP
AT THE HOUSE.
279
00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:20,794
- GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.
- WE'RE ON IT.
280
00:09:20,828 --> 00:09:22,730
- REMIND HER THAT DISPATCH
281
00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:24,197
ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE USED
FOR PERSONAL CALLS.
282
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:26,433
- OKAY, ROGER THAT.
WE GOT IT.
283
00:09:26,466 --> 00:09:27,868
LISTEN, YOU GOT THIS.
284
00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:29,637
LOOK AT ME.
YOU GOT THIS.
285
00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:31,705
- IT'S JUST THAT SHE--
- OKAY, WE GOT IT!
286
00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:33,306
BRIAN, LET'S ROLL.
WE'RE WHEELS UP.
287
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:34,875
STOP PLAYING
WITH THAT GUY'S BALLS.
288
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:37,077
- THERE'S MY BABY.
289
00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:39,412
- HEY, MAMA.
- HEY, MAMA SAINT.
290
00:09:39,446 --> 00:09:41,448
- HI, JOHNNY.
- WE CAN'T STAY LONG.
291
00:09:41,481 --> 00:09:42,916
- YOU NEED SOMETHING FIXED,
MAMA SAINT?
292
00:09:42,950 --> 00:09:44,484
- OH, NO,
I DON'T NEED YOU BOYS
293
00:09:44,517 --> 00:09:45,753
TO DO ANY CHORES FOR ME TODAY.
294
00:09:45,786 --> 00:09:47,120
BUT A LITTLE BIRD
JUST TOLD ME
295
00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:48,822
ABOUT JEFF THE CHEF,
296
00:09:48,856 --> 00:09:50,423
AND I HAD TO CHECK IN
WITH MY BABY.
297
00:09:50,457 --> 00:09:52,159
- WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT?
298
00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:54,161
- SORRY, DEUCE, YOUR MOM
GAVE ME SOME WINE.
299
00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:56,897
I JUST STARTED KINDA
RUNNING OFF AT THE MOUTH.
300
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:59,066
- CASSIUS TOLD ME THAT YOU'RE
NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING.
301
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:01,401
IS THAT TRUE?
- YES.
302
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:03,170
- HENRY ST. CLARE,
YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY
303
00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:04,738
GOING TO THAT WEDDING.
304
00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:07,007
YOU WILL NOT HANG
YOUR HEAD IN SHAME.
305
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,842
THIS IS A PROUD FAMILY.
306
00:10:08,876 --> 00:10:10,778
AND YOU ARE
A PROUD BLACK MAN.
307
00:10:10,811 --> 00:10:13,747
YOU DO NOT RUN AWAY
FROM SITUATIONS SUCH AS THIS.
308
00:10:13,781 --> 00:10:15,615
YOU'RE GONNA WALK IN THERE
WITH YOUR HEAD HELD HIGH,
309
00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:18,085
AND YOU'RE GONNA SHINE
LIKE A PRECIOUS STONE.
310
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,920
SIT IN THE FRONT,
SMILE THE BIGGEST,
311
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:21,254
SING THE LOUDEST.
312
00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:22,690
AND IF THE PREACHER ASKS,
313
00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:24,792
"DOES ANYONE OBJECT
TO THIS WEDDING?"
314
00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:29,429
YOU'RE GONNA STAND UP AND SAY,
"HELL, NO, I DON'T."
315
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:32,700
HENRY, PROMISE ME YOU'LL
GO TO THE WEDDING.
316
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:34,301
- MOM, I'M NOT GOING!
317
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:36,336
- HANK, YOUR MAMA ASKED YOU
TO MAKE A PROMISE.
318
00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:37,705
NOW I KNOW
I'M NOT YOUR DADDY,
319
00:10:37,738 --> 00:10:39,707
BUT I DO SIT AT
THE HEAD OF THE TABLE,
320
00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:42,109
AND I DO GET THE EXTRA PIECE
OF MEAT WHEN THERE IS ONE.
321
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,944
WE'RE WATCHING
OUR CHOLESTEROL.
322
00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:46,513
MINE'S SUPPOSED TO BE UP
OVER 200 OR SOMETHING.
323
00:10:46,546 --> 00:10:49,983
HALF THE PROGRAMS ON
THE DVR ARE MY PROGRAMS.
324
00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:52,052
I GOT ABOUT SIX PAIRS
OF DRAWERS IN THE DRYER.
325
00:10:52,085 --> 00:10:53,120
WHERE WAS I GOING
WITH THIS?
326
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,888
HELP ME OUT.
327
00:10:54,922 --> 00:10:56,790
- YOU WERE TELLING HIM
TO GO TO THE WEDDING.
328
00:10:56,824 --> 00:10:58,358
- YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
DO WHAT YOUR MAMA SAID.
329
00:10:58,391 --> 00:11:02,295
GO TO THAT WEDDING TOMORROW
AND SHINE LIKE A GEM.
330
00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:05,032
JUST MAKE THE PROMISE, SON,
AND MAKE IT NOW.
331
00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:06,867
- FINE, I'LL GO.
BYE, MAMA.
332
00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:09,002
- SEE?
333
00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:11,171
WHAT'D I TELL YOU?
FATHER FIGURE.
334
00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:13,040
- OH, HE'S NOT GOING, PADRE.
335
00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:15,175
HE'S JUST SAYING THAT
TO SHUT YOU UP.
336
00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:16,977
- YOU ARE?
- YEP.
337
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,146
WE'RE GOING TO
THE BLACKHAWKS-BRUINS GAME.
338
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,714
BYE, MAMA.
339
00:11:20,748 --> 00:11:22,215
- DAMN!
340
00:11:22,249 --> 00:11:24,184
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THESE KIDS TODAY?
341
00:11:24,217 --> 00:11:27,354
- OH, SHUT UP AND LET'S HAVE
OURSELVES A GOOD DAY.
342
00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:29,589
- THAT'S WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.
343
00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:35,328
- DAMN GREAT DAY
FOR A GAME.
344
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:36,596
- OH, YEAH, BEERS.
- FIGHTS.
345
00:11:36,629 --> 00:11:37,865
- BODY CHECKS.
- JONATHAN TOEWS.
346
00:11:37,898 --> 00:11:39,199
- PATRICK KANE.
347
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:41,101
- PATRICK KANE'S
EYES AND HIS ASS.
348
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:42,836
- OKAY.
OKAY, JUST THIS ONCE
349
00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:45,038
I WILL TALK TO YOU ABOUT
PATRICK KANE'S EYES AND HIS ASS,
350
00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:47,674
BECAUSE TODAY I'M GONNA BE THE
GREATEST WINGMAN OF ALL TIME.
351
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:49,910
AND TONIGHT,
I'M GONNA GET YOU LAID.
352
00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:51,444
NOT THAT YOU
NEED ANY HELP,
353
00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:52,946
'CAUSE YOU CAN BASICALLY
SNAP YOUR FINGERS
354
00:11:52,980 --> 00:11:54,882
AND THEN 20 BLOWJOBS
APPEAR OUT OF THIN AIR.
355
00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:57,217
WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE
TO HAVE YOUR LIFE.
356
00:11:57,250 --> 00:11:59,586
I MEAN, JUST ALL
THE ONE-NIGHT STANDS
357
00:11:59,619 --> 00:12:00,954
AND CASUAL SEX.
358
00:12:00,988 --> 00:12:02,555
I MEAN, SEX IS NEVER
CASUAL FOR ME, EVER.
359
00:12:02,589 --> 00:12:06,093
LIKE, LIKE EVER.
360
00:12:06,126 --> 00:12:07,060
WHOA!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
361
00:12:07,094 --> 00:12:08,528
WHERE WE GOING?
362
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:09,897
- WEDDING.
I CHANGED MY MIND.
363
00:12:09,930 --> 00:12:11,198
- I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M SAYING THIS,
364
00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:12,532
BUT IT IS AN EMERGENCY.
365
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,267
THREE WORDS:
PATRICK KANE'S ASS.
366
00:12:14,301 --> 00:12:16,269
- I FEEL LIKE SUCH A PUSSY
FOR RUNNING AWAY FROM THIS.
367
00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:18,205
I'M 6'5", 220,
368
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:19,807
AND LIKE MY MAMA SAY,
WE DON'T RUN FROM SH--.
369
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,108
- WEDDING STARTS AT 1:00.
370
00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:22,475
- WE CAN STILL
MAKE THE RECEPTION.
371
00:12:22,509 --> 00:12:24,111
- I'M WEARING
A STAN MIKITA T-SHIRT.
372
00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:26,046
- I GOT ONE OF JEFF'S OLD SUITS
BACK AT THE HOUSE.
373
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:27,647
- YOU KNOW THIS THING'S WORTH,
LIKE, 50 BUCKS ON EBAY, RIGHT?
374
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:30,150
- THE SUIT I'M GIVING YOU
IS WORTH A THOUSAND.
375
00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:31,985
- I COULD USE A NEW SUIT.
376
00:12:32,019 --> 00:12:34,788
[upbeat music]
377
00:12:34,822 --> 00:12:37,757
*
378
00:12:37,791 --> 00:12:39,592
- HOW DO I LOOK?
- HOW DO YOU WANNA LOOK?
379
00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:41,895
- CROSS BETWEEN SIDNEY POITIER
AND SHAFT.
380
00:12:41,929 --> 00:12:43,630
- OKAY.
OKAY, I GET THAT.
381
00:12:43,663 --> 00:12:45,232
THROW IN A LITTLE
DENZEL STROLL TOO.
382
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:46,800
- MM.
383
00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:48,902
- AGH, I WISH I WAS BLACK
RIGHT NOW.
384
00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:50,971
- HANK!
385
00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:52,605
YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
386
00:12:52,639 --> 00:12:54,307
- HOLY SH--,
THAT DRESS IS BANGIN'.
387
00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:56,243
- THANK YOU.
MY DATE BRIAN CHOSE IT.
388
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:57,945
- I GAVE HER A FEW LOOKS.
389
00:12:57,978 --> 00:13:00,280
- HOW DO I LOOK?
- VERY, VERY HANDSOME.
390
00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:01,781
- HOW WAS THE CEREMONY?
391
00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:03,283
- EH, I'D GIVE IT A "B".
392
00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:04,617
THEY READ FROM CORINTHIANS,
393
00:13:04,651 --> 00:13:06,353
WHICH COULDN'T
BE MORE CLICHE.
394
00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:08,255
THE ORCHESTRA WAS WAY TOO
UP TEMPO ON THE PROCESSIONAL.
395
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:10,290
IT'S LIKE,
LET THE THING BREATHE.
396
00:13:10,323 --> 00:13:12,125
AM I RIGHT?
- YOU CAN TELL ME THE TRUTH.
397
00:13:12,159 --> 00:13:13,626
- OH, MY GOD,
THE WHOLE THING WAS AMAZING.
398
00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:14,962
A-PLUS-PLUS.
399
00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:16,196
I GOT THE NAME
OF THE COORDINATOR.
400
00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:17,197
- BRIAN.
- HIS NAME IS DARREN.
401
00:13:17,230 --> 00:13:20,267
- THERE HE IS.
402
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,635
- YOU OKAY?
403
00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:24,204
- NEVER BEEN BETTER.
LET'S DANCE.
404
00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:25,805
- WHOA, I DON'T DANCE.
405
00:13:25,839 --> 00:13:27,174
- YOU ARE MY DATE.
YOU DANCIN'.
406
00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:30,043
- NO, COME--
NO--NO, I DON'T DANCE.
407
00:13:30,077 --> 00:13:31,378
I DON'T--
408
00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:33,813
- ANOTHER DRINK, MILADY?
409
00:13:33,847 --> 00:13:38,986
*
410
00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:40,653
THIS IS MY FIRST
GAY WEDDING.
411
00:13:40,687 --> 00:13:42,990
- CONGRATULATIONS.
- THANK YOU.
412
00:13:43,023 --> 00:13:45,225
FIRST GAY WEDDING.
- YEAH, I HEARD.
413
00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:47,360
- I HAVE TO SAY, IT'S BEEN
AN ABSOLUTE PLEASURE.
414
00:13:47,394 --> 00:13:48,996
- THAT'S GREAT.
415
00:13:49,029 --> 00:13:51,064
- I MEAN, STRAIGHT WEDDINGS
ARE FUN TOO,
416
00:13:51,098 --> 00:13:52,499
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING EXTRA
SPECIAL GOING ON HERE TODAY.
417
00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:54,334
- YEAH, IT'S CALLED
AN OPEN BAR.
418
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:55,302
- [chuckles]
AWESOME!
419
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:56,870
FIRST GAY WEDDING JOKE.
420
00:13:56,904 --> 00:13:59,539
- UGH, CAN WE STOP
DANCING NOW?
421
00:13:59,572 --> 00:14:01,741
- HEY, LOOK, I WANNA BE
HAVING FUN WHEN JEFF SEES ME.
422
00:14:01,774 --> 00:14:03,410
AND I'M GONNA BE DANCING
LIKE A FREAK
423
00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:05,345
WHEN HE POINTS ME OUT
TO LITTLE HANK JR.
424
00:14:05,378 --> 00:14:07,680
RELAX. JUST DANCE TO THE BEAT.
DON'T DANCE TO THE WORDS.
425
00:14:07,714 --> 00:14:08,982
- THAT'S WHAT
I'VE BEEN DOING,
426
00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:10,417
AND I STILL
LOOK LIKE THIS.
427
00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:11,885
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
TO DO WITH MY HANDS.
428
00:14:11,919 --> 00:14:13,653
- OKAY, MAYBE JUST TRY
STANDING STILL.
429
00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:15,255
- I'M NOT GONNA BE
THE ASSHOLE
430
00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:17,557
STANDING STILL IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE DANCE FLOOR.
431
00:14:17,590 --> 00:14:18,892
YOU KNOW YOU'RE THE ONLY GUY
I'D DO THIS FOR, RIGHT?
432
00:14:18,926 --> 00:14:20,327
- YES, YES, YES.
- OKAY.
433
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:21,995
- COME TO FERNANDO.
434
00:14:22,029 --> 00:14:23,763
- [chuckles]
435
00:14:23,796 --> 00:14:26,233
- UH, I'M NOT REALLY
A DANCER.
436
00:14:26,266 --> 00:14:27,901
- NONSENSE.
437
00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:29,102
OPEN YOUR HIPS.
438
00:14:29,136 --> 00:14:30,770
- WHAT?
439
00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:33,006
- OPEN YOUR HIPS.
LIKE THIS.
440
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:34,541
- EH.
441
00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:38,111
- RELEASE YOUR BODY
TO THE MUSIC.
442
00:14:38,145 --> 00:14:39,712
- [laughs]
443
00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:42,082
- UM, I'M NOT REAL--
444
00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:43,383
WHAT, YOU MEAN LIKE THAT?
445
00:14:43,416 --> 00:14:45,418
- YES, YES, YES, YES.
446
00:14:45,452 --> 00:14:47,054
SET YOUR HIPS FREE,
447
00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:49,289
LET THEM FLY,
LET THEM SOAR.
448
00:14:49,322 --> 00:14:53,126
- JUST, UH...OKAY.
449
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:56,263
OKAY, THAT KINDA
FEELS RIGHT.
450
00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:57,730
I OPEN MY HIPS.
- OPEN YOUR HIPS.
451
00:14:57,764 --> 00:15:00,367
- OKAY, OKAY.
- [laughs]
452
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,634
- HOLY SH--,
I'M DANCING.
453
00:15:01,668 --> 00:15:02,902
- HOLY SH--,
HE'S DANCING.
454
00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:04,371
- [laughs]
455
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:06,739
- THERESA, THIS IS KEITH.
- HI, KEITH.
456
00:15:06,773 --> 00:15:08,075
- HELLO.
- HOW YOU DOING?
457
00:15:08,108 --> 00:15:09,476
- KEITH'S HERE ALONE.
458
00:15:09,509 --> 00:15:10,743
HIS BOYFRIEND'S AT HOME
WATCHING THE KIDS,
459
00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:12,279
RUFUS AND MONTE.
460
00:15:12,312 --> 00:15:13,981
THEY'RE BEAGLES,
AND THEY'RE ADORABLE.
461
00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:16,283
SO CHECK THIS OUT, THERESA.
KEITH IS ALSO A COP.
462
00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:18,151
- OH, REALLY?
463
00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:19,286
- THIS WAS THE COP FRIEND
YOU WERE TELLING ME ABOUT?
464
00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:21,054
- THERESA'S THE BEST COP
IN CHICAGO.
465
00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:22,789
- OH, COME ON, BRI.
- WELL, I DOUBT THAT.
466
00:15:22,822 --> 00:15:24,091
- EXCUSE ME?
467
00:15:24,124 --> 00:15:25,758
- SWEETHEART...
468
00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:27,227
YOU KNOW WHAT,
WE'RE AT A WEDDING.
469
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:28,962
LET'S NOT GET INTO IT.
470
00:15:28,996 --> 00:15:30,230
- NO, DON'T HOLD BACK
ON MY ACCOUNT.
471
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:31,931
GO ON.
472
00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:34,267
- BEING A COP IS A MAN'S JOB.
- OH.
473
00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:35,568
- I MEAN, YOU GIRLS ARE GREAT
474
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:37,904
FOR CERTAIN
POLICE PROCEDURAL WORK.
475
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:39,672
BUT FOR EVERYDAY,
BOOTS-ON-THE-GROUND,
476
00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:41,141
FRONT-LINES-OF-CRIME STUFF,
477
00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:43,610
YOU'RE A LIABILITY.
478
00:15:43,643 --> 00:15:46,479
- OH.
I SEE WHAT HAPPENED.
479
00:15:46,513 --> 00:15:48,181
YOU MISUNDERSTOOD.
480
00:15:48,215 --> 00:15:49,983
I SAID THAT THERESA
WAS A GOOD COP.
481
00:15:50,017 --> 00:15:52,319
NOT A TERRIBLE COP.
YOU SWITCHED 'EM.
482
00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:53,953
- SO WHAT'S YOUR DEAL?
483
00:15:53,987 --> 00:15:55,322
YOU'RE A MISOGYNISTIC
GAY COP?
484
00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:58,125
- NOPE, I'M A REALIST.
485
00:15:58,158 --> 00:15:59,859
- HUH.
486
00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:03,196
- HOW GREAT
ARE FIREMEN THOUGH?
487
00:16:03,230 --> 00:16:06,266
- [laughs]
488
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:09,502
[Latin music]
489
00:16:09,536 --> 00:16:10,937
HEY, YOU DOING OKAY?
490
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:12,772
- I'M DOING GREAT.
I'M DOING GREAT.
491
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:14,007
- I'LL BE BACK.
- THIS GUY'S GREAT.
492
00:16:14,041 --> 00:16:16,109
WHOA!
493
00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:18,345
[laughs]
OH, OKAY.
494
00:16:18,378 --> 00:16:21,114
- AS A GAY MAN WHO FOUGHT
AGAINST PREJUDICE,
495
00:16:21,148 --> 00:16:23,516
HOW CAN YOU HONESTLY ESPOUSE
SUCH OUTDATED VIEWS?
496
00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:25,185
- BECAUSE AS A GAY COP,
497
00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:27,487
I REALIZE NOT EVERYBODY
CAN PLAY THE GAME.
498
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,322
IT'S LIKE BRIAN URLACHER.
499
00:16:29,356 --> 00:16:31,624
THERE WASN'T A CHICK
THAT COULD DO HIS JOB,
500
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:34,827
BECAUSE HE'S A VERY LARGE MAN
IN A VERY VIOLENT GAME.
501
00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:37,230
THIS ISN'T TENNIS,
BILLY JEAN KING.
502
00:16:37,264 --> 00:16:39,066
IT'S LIFE OR DEATH.
503
00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:43,203
AND YOU GOTTA HAVE
A BIG BRASS SET OF HUGE COJONES.
504
00:16:43,236 --> 00:16:46,239
- GUYS, GUYS,
THIS IS A WEDDING.
505
00:16:46,273 --> 00:16:47,874
A GAY WEDDING.
506
00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:49,409
MY FIRST GAY WEDDING.
507
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:51,344
AND THE ONLY FIGHTING
SHOULD BE US
508
00:16:51,378 --> 00:16:54,547
FIGHTING FOR OUR RIGHT
TO PARTY.
509
00:16:54,581 --> 00:16:56,383
- YOU'RE RIGHT, BRIAN.
510
00:16:56,416 --> 00:16:58,318
LET'S DANCE.
511
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:00,353
- DON'T GET ANYONE KILLED
OUT ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
512
00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:02,322
- NO.
513
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:04,557
- I SHOULD REALLY KICK
YOUR ASS FOR SAYING THAT.
514
00:17:04,591 --> 00:17:06,559
- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,
YOU GONNA KICK ME IN THE NUTS?
515
00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:11,431
- AGHH!
516
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:14,234
YOU KICKED ME IN MY NUTS.
517
00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:16,336
- IT'S OKAY.
I KNOW WHAT TO DO.
518
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:18,838
ONE, DON'T PANIC.
TWO, KNOW THAT YOUR TESTICLES
519
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:20,507
WILL EVENTUALLY RETURN
TO THEIR NORMAL SIZE.
520
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,842
AND THREE IS...ICE.
521
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,043
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- [groans]
522
00:17:28,081 --> 00:17:30,183
- HEY.
HANK.
523
00:17:30,217 --> 00:17:32,085
ALEJANDRO, THIS IS--
524
00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:33,686
- THE BIGGER, BLACKER
VERSION OF ME.
525
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,888
HI, I'VE HEARD
SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.
526
00:17:35,922 --> 00:17:37,224
GOD, YOU ARE GORGEOUS,
527
00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:38,725
WHICH OF COURSE
MEANS SO AM I.
528
00:17:38,758 --> 00:17:40,127
- YES, YOU ARE.
- THANK YOU FOR COMING, HANK.
529
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:41,794
I KNOW IT WAS SHORT NOTICE,
530
00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:43,096
BUT I THINK IT CAME TOGETHER
PRETTY WELL, DIDN'T IT?
531
00:17:43,130 --> 00:17:44,597
WHO NEEDS A YEAR
TO PLAN A WEDDING?
532
00:17:44,631 --> 00:17:47,134
- STRAIGHT PEOPLE.
[laughter]
533
00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:49,202
- SO, UM--
534
00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:52,205
- LISTEN, SWEETIE, LET'S PUT IT
ALL OUT ON THE TABLE HERE.
535
00:17:52,239 --> 00:17:54,073
WHEN I FIRST SAW A PICTURE
OF YOU IN JEFF'S PHONE,
536
00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:56,209
I THOUGHT, OH, MY GOD,
537
00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:58,645
AM I JUST A STAND-IN HERE
WHEN I WANTED TO BE THE STAR?
538
00:17:58,678 --> 00:18:01,648
BUT THEN I REMEMBERED
IT'S ALL ABOUT TIMING, BABY.
539
00:18:01,681 --> 00:18:04,984
HE LOVED YOU, BUT YOU WEREN'T
READY TO SETTLE DOWN.
540
00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:07,086
I WAS, SO TO US,
TO ME ESPECIALLY,
541
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:08,821
YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE
A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART.
542
00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:11,991
BECAUSE OTHERWISE,
I NEVER WOULD HAVE FOUND HIM.
543
00:18:15,328 --> 00:18:18,131
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
I WASN'T READY.
544
00:18:18,165 --> 00:18:21,234
- AND I WAS--
TO GET MARRIED, TO HAVE KIDS.
545
00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:23,436
WE JUST ADOPTED
A LITTLE CHINESE BABY, A GIRL.
546
00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:24,837
- OH, SWEET,
WHAT'S HER NAME?
547
00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:26,105
- WE WANNA CALL HER
BY HER GIVEN NAME,
548
00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:27,974
WHICH IS HO-WAN-HO.
549
00:18:28,007 --> 00:18:29,442
[coughs]
550
00:18:29,476 --> 00:18:30,843
- COOL.
551
00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:32,078
YOU KNOW WHAT'S
A GOOD GIRL'S NAME?
552
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,580
COLLEEN.
553
00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,582
- OH, I LIKE THAT.
IT'S EASY TO PRONOUNCE.
554
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:38,017
EVERY TIME I TRY TO SAY
HER NAME, I GET A HAIRBALL.
555
00:18:38,050 --> 00:18:39,452
- [chuckles]
556
00:18:39,486 --> 00:18:42,455
LOOK, I CAME HERE TODAY
TO HOLD MY HEAD UP HIGH.
557
00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:44,691
AND TRUTHFULLY TO SEE
IF YOU WERE MARRYING ALEJANDRO
558
00:18:44,724 --> 00:18:46,693
AS A REPLACEMENT FOR ME.
559
00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:48,027
I CAME HERE WITH ALL
THIS ATTITUDE,
560
00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:50,263
AS IF THIS WAS ALL ABOUT ME.
561
00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:54,133
WHICH, CLEARLY, IT WASN'T.
562
00:18:54,167 --> 00:18:56,336
I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER
FOR THE TWO OF YOU.
563
00:18:56,369 --> 00:18:59,839
[upbeat music]
564
00:18:59,872 --> 00:19:02,609
- THIS IS OUR SONG, BUT IT'S
SO NICE TO MEET YOU, HANK.
565
00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:04,444
- YOU TOO.
- COME SAY HI TO HO-WAN-HO.
566
00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:07,180
- YES, I WILL.
567
00:19:07,214 --> 00:19:13,220
*
568
00:19:13,253 --> 00:19:14,687
- YO!
569
00:19:14,721 --> 00:19:16,155
LOST YOU THERE
FOR A BIT.
570
00:19:16,189 --> 00:19:17,557
YOU ALL RIGHT?
- YEAH, BRO, I'M GOOD.
571
00:19:17,590 --> 00:19:18,625
- YOU SURE?
- YEAH, MAN, I'M GOOD.
572
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:20,126
- OKAY.
- I'M GOOD.
573
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:22,161
- [groans]
574
00:19:22,195 --> 00:19:24,897
- HEY, GUYS,
I'M USING MY NEW SKILL.
575
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:26,833
[both chuckle]
- HEY, JOHN.
576
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:28,301
FERNANDO WAS LOOKING
FOR YOU.
577
00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:31,070
TURNS OUT YOU MADE
QUITE THE IMPRESSION.
578
00:19:31,103 --> 00:19:32,205
HE WANTED TO GIVE YOU
HIS NUMBER.
579
00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:33,840
- OOH.
580
00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:35,074
- HOW 'BOUT THAT?
I GOT DIGITS.
581
00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:36,543
- YOU GOT DIGITS.
582
00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:37,977
- AND I THINK HE'S
PRETTIER THAN ME.
583
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,679
- NOT A CHANCE.
- OKAY, SO APPLY ICE AS NEEDED.
584
00:19:39,712 --> 00:19:42,081
AVOID STRENUOUS ACTIVITY
FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS.
585
00:19:42,114 --> 00:19:43,516
MAYBE STOP
UNDERESTIMATING WOMEN
586
00:19:43,550 --> 00:19:45,051
OR WEAR A CUP.
587
00:19:45,084 --> 00:19:46,686
IT'S YOUR CALL.
588
00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:48,221
- HOW'S HE DOING?
589
00:19:48,255 --> 00:19:49,522
- NOT GONNA BE
PATROLLING THE STREETS
590
00:19:49,556 --> 00:19:50,490
ON HIS BIKE
ANYTIME SOON.
591
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:52,659
- HE'S A BIKE COP?
592
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:55,428
- YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY GLAD
I CAME TO THIS WITH YOU GUYS.
593
00:19:55,462 --> 00:19:57,597
JEFF ISN'T MARRYING
THE KNOCK-OFF VERSION OF ME.
594
00:19:57,630 --> 00:19:59,266
HE'S MARRYING
A BETTER VERSION OF ME.
595
00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:01,000
- WHAT? THAT DUDE?
NO WAY.
596
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,702
- IT'S OKAY, BRO.
IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME, HONESTLY.
597
00:20:02,735 --> 00:20:04,604
I REALIZE NOW
I REALLY AM OVER JEFF.
598
00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:06,906
I DON'T WANT HIM.
I JUST WANT WHAT HE HAS.
599
00:20:06,939 --> 00:20:08,741
HE FOUND HIS SOUL MATE.
HE FOUND THE ONE.
600
00:20:08,775 --> 00:20:11,578
THAT'S WHAT I WANT.
601
00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:13,446
I'M DONE WITH RANDOM HOOKUPS,
CHASING TAIL.
602
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:15,248
DONE WITH IT.
603
00:20:15,282 --> 00:20:17,049
I WANT SOMETHING MEANINGFUL,
SOMETHING PERMANENT.
604
00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:19,352
- I'M FEELING
SOME GROWTH HERE TODAY.
605
00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:21,254
- I DO WANNA GET MARRIED,
HAVE A COUPLE KIDS,
606
00:20:21,288 --> 00:20:23,956
AND I WANT THE GUY
THAT I CAN STAND UP WITH
607
00:20:23,990 --> 00:20:25,725
IN FRONT OF ALL
MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY
608
00:20:25,758 --> 00:20:29,296
AND SAY, "THIS IS MY MAN.
MY SOUL MATE."
609
00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:31,631
THAT'S WHY GOD
PUT US ON THIS EARTH.
610
00:20:31,664 --> 00:20:35,101
I AM A CHANGED MAN.
THIS WEDDING HAS CHANGED ME.
611
00:20:35,134 --> 00:20:37,470
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED
TO ME TODAY.
612
00:20:37,504 --> 00:20:40,106
HOLY SH--, LOOK AT THAT ASS.
I'LL SEE Y'ALL LATER.
613
00:20:40,139 --> 00:20:41,808
- WHOA, WHAT ABOUT
THE SPEECH YOU JUST GAVE
614
00:20:41,841 --> 00:20:43,410
AND FINDING YOUR SOUL MATE?
615
00:20:43,443 --> 00:20:45,144
- LOOK, MAYBE THIS IS HIM.
616
00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:47,480
I GOTTA START
THE SEARCH SOMEWHERE.
617
00:20:47,514 --> 00:20:49,482
[upbeat music]
HEY, BUDDY, HOW ARE YOU?
618
00:20:49,516 --> 00:20:51,451
- I LOVE THIS SONG.
619
00:20:51,484 --> 00:20:54,654
- WELL, THEN TAKE MY HAND,
MY DEAR.
620
00:20:54,687 --> 00:20:55,788
- YEAH?
- YEAH.
621
00:20:55,822 --> 00:20:57,657
- OOH.
622
00:20:57,690 --> 00:20:59,959
- YOU KNOW, SINCE I LEARNED
TO DANCE A LITTLE BIT,
623
00:20:59,992 --> 00:21:01,761
I'M, LIKE, 20% LESS SCARED
TO GET MARRIED.
624
00:21:01,794 --> 00:21:03,396
- HOW DRUNK
ARE YOU EXACTLY?
625
00:21:03,430 --> 00:21:05,632
- UH, JUST ABOUT THE RIGHT
EXACT AMOUNT, I THINK.
626
00:21:05,665 --> 00:21:07,667
- WHOO-HOO!
627
00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:09,669
- LOOK AT THIS.
628
00:21:09,702 --> 00:21:12,339
*
629
00:21:12,372 --> 00:21:14,441
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
BRIAN?
630
00:21:14,474 --> 00:21:15,508
- THE FOXTROT.
631
00:21:15,542 --> 00:21:17,577
NOBODY PUTS BABY
IN A CORNER.
632
00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:25,652
*
633
00:21:34,794 --> 00:21:37,697
[hip-hop music]
634
00:21:37,730 --> 00:21:45,805
*
45387
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