All language subtitles for Sirens.2014.S01E07.Part1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.x264-RCVR_track3_eng

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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,936 --> 00:00:05,039 - SO YOU'RE DATING SOMEONE AT THE HOSPITAL? 2 00:00:05,073 --> 00:00:07,475 - WHICH HOSPITAL? 3 00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:10,244 - YOU'RE DATING PEOPLE AT MORE THAN ONE HOSPITAL? 4 00:00:10,278 --> 00:00:13,347 - I'M DATING MULTIPLE PEOPLE AT MULTIPLE HOSPITALS. 5 00:00:13,381 --> 00:00:15,216 - HOW DO YOU DO THAT? 6 00:00:15,249 --> 00:00:18,486 - SPEND A LOT OF TIME IN HOSPITALS, MAN. 7 00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:20,020 - DO THEY ALL KNOW ABOUT EACH OTHER? 8 00:00:20,054 --> 00:00:21,822 - OF COURSE, I'M PROMISCUOUS, NOT DISHONEST. 9 00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:25,025 - HEY, HEY, YOU BOYS NEED TO CLEAN OUT THOSE MAILBOXES. 10 00:00:25,059 --> 00:00:26,527 THEY ARE OVERFLOWING WITH DETRITUS. 11 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:28,429 IT'S SLOVENLY. 12 00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:30,998 HANK, THERE'S A JET MAGAZINE IN YOUR SLOT 13 00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:33,101 WITH SKINNY OPRAH ON THE COVER. 14 00:00:33,134 --> 00:00:34,702 SHE AIN'T BEEN SKINNY SINCE '09. 15 00:00:34,735 --> 00:00:36,337 - I DON'T GET JET MAGAZINE. 16 00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:38,906 - I DON'T GET SKINNY OPRAH. I LIKE HER PLUMP. 17 00:00:38,939 --> 00:00:40,541 GO ON, CLEAN 'EM OUT NOW. 18 00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:42,543 - IT'D BE GREAT IF YOU COULD DO IT SOON. 19 00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:44,345 THE WHOLE THING'S REALLY KICKING OFF STATS' COUNTING DISORDER. 20 00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:47,281 - 64, 65, 66, 67. 21 00:00:47,315 --> 00:00:50,218 THERE ARE 67 PIECES OF MAIL IN YOUR SLOT, HENRY. 22 00:00:50,251 --> 00:00:51,452 - OKAY, DAMN. DAMN, GIRL. 23 00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:52,753 LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK. 24 00:00:52,786 --> 00:00:54,054 - SO THAT'S-- THAT'S DONE. 25 00:00:54,088 --> 00:00:55,689 - HEY, YOU HAPPY? 26 00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:57,291 - OKAY, YEAH, THAT'S GOOD. THANK YOU, HENRY. 27 00:00:57,325 --> 00:00:58,559 - MM-HMM. 28 00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:00,094 - WELL, LOOK AT THIS. 29 00:01:00,128 --> 00:01:02,730 THIS IS FANCY. 30 00:01:02,763 --> 00:01:05,032 PERSONAL AND HAND-LETTERED, HENRY ST. CLARE. 31 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,468 - HMM, CALLIGRAPHY. - YEAH. 32 00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:09,403 - SOMEONE'S GETTING MARRIED. - WHO? 33 00:01:09,437 --> 00:01:11,605 - OH, SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T HAVE MY CURRENT HOME ADDRESS 34 00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:13,374 OR CELL NUMBER. 35 00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:15,776 SOMEONE WHO CHEATED ON ME WITH THAT BUSBOY. 36 00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:17,778 SOMEONE WHO I COULD CARE ABSOLUTELY LESS ABOUT. 37 00:01:17,811 --> 00:01:19,647 - JEFF THE CHEF, HOLY SH--. - MM-HMM. 38 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:21,149 - IS HE MARRYING THE BUSBOY? 39 00:01:21,182 --> 00:01:24,985 - NO, HE'S MARRYING ALEJANDRO. 40 00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:26,620 - OH, MY GOD, HE'S MARRYING YOUR BROTHER? 41 00:01:26,654 --> 00:01:28,489 - NO. 42 00:01:28,522 --> 00:01:31,459 - YOUR COUSIN? THAT'S SO-- 43 00:01:31,492 --> 00:01:33,294 OH, MY. 44 00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:34,628 - BRIAN, COULD YOU GIVE ME A HAND 45 00:01:34,662 --> 00:01:35,763 IN THE SUPPLY CLOSET PLEASE? 46 00:01:35,796 --> 00:01:37,064 - I KINDA WANT TO BE HERE 47 00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,299 TO OFFER HANK SOME EMOTIONAL SUPPORT. 48 00:01:38,332 --> 00:01:40,234 - BRIAN, SUPPLY CLOSET, NOW. 49 00:01:40,268 --> 00:01:41,502 - IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION, I THINK THAT YOUR EYES 50 00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:44,172 ARE WAY MORE SOULFUL THAN ALEJANDRO'S. 51 00:01:44,205 --> 00:01:47,408 - AND YOUR MAILBOX IS CLEAN, SO THERE'S THAT. 52 00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:49,443 - LOOK, I KNOW THIS STINGS RIGHT NOW, 53 00:01:49,477 --> 00:01:51,245 BUT THIS TOO SHALL PASS. 54 00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:53,647 - DEUCE. - WHAT? 55 00:01:53,681 --> 00:01:55,683 - CAN I CALL YOU "SON"? - NO. 56 00:01:55,716 --> 00:01:57,418 - WELL, I'M DOING IT ANYWAY 57 00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,119 'CAUSE THIS IS A FATHER-SON TYPE TALK. 58 00:01:59,153 --> 00:02:00,621 SON, THIS GUY ALE-WHAT'S-HIS-FACE 59 00:02:00,654 --> 00:02:02,690 MAY LOOK LIKE YOU, 60 00:02:02,723 --> 00:02:04,958 BUT WHOEVER THE HELL HE IS HE AIN'T GOT WHAT YOU GOT. 61 00:02:04,992 --> 00:02:07,161 - WHICH IS? - YOUR FREEDOM. 62 00:02:07,195 --> 00:02:10,264 YOU CAN DATE ALL THE BOYS IN BOYSTOWN IF YOU WANT. 63 00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:12,433 YOU'D BE EXHAUSTED, BUT YOU COULD DO IT. 64 00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:14,302 - THIS IS YOUR TOUCHING, IMPORTANT 65 00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:15,769 FATHER-SON TYPE MESSAGE? 66 00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:17,438 - GOD DAMN IT, I'M NEW TO THIS SH--. 67 00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:19,440 AND I'M NOT FINISHED YET. 68 00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:22,276 THIS JUST GOES TO SHOW HOW GREAT YOU ARE, 69 00:02:22,310 --> 00:02:24,812 THAT THIS CHEF ASSHOLE IS MARRYING A GUY 70 00:02:24,845 --> 00:02:26,514 WHO'S THE SPITTING IMAGE OF YOU. 71 00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:29,116 I MEAN, YOU ARE SUCH A PRIZE 72 00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:30,718 THAT HE WENT AND FOUND HISSELF 73 00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:33,487 A GODDAMN HANK ST. CLARE CLONE. 74 00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:35,789 HOW WAS THAT? - NOT BAD. 75 00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:37,291 - YOU KNOW WHAT, CASH? YOU'RE RIGHT. 76 00:02:37,325 --> 00:02:38,826 - YOU CAN CALL ME "POPS." 77 00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:40,228 - JEFF IS MARRYING THE DISCOUNT VERSION OF ME. 78 00:02:40,261 --> 00:02:42,296 - MM-HMM. - OR BIG PAPI. 79 00:02:42,330 --> 00:02:44,832 - AND DO YOU REMEMBER HOW PRETENTIOUS JEFF COULD BE? 80 00:02:44,865 --> 00:02:45,699 - OH, WITH HIS FRENCH FUSION CUISINE 81 00:02:45,733 --> 00:02:47,301 - OH, BARF. 82 00:02:47,335 --> 00:02:48,969 - AND GODDAMN ASIAN OPERA BULLSH--. 83 00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:50,804 YOU JUST KNOW JEFF AND HIS LITTLE FAKE-ASS HANK HUSBAND 84 00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:52,640 GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE ANNOYING COUPLES 85 00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:55,042 THAT ADOPTS, LIKE, SIX KIDS FROM DIFFERENT COUNTRIES, 86 00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:57,511 NAMES 'EM SH-- LIKE BRYCE AND TRISTAN. 87 00:02:57,545 --> 00:03:00,414 - IN KENYA THE FATHER FIGURE IS CALLED "BABA." 88 00:03:00,448 --> 00:03:02,416 BIG BABA. 89 00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:03,751 TRY IT ON. 90 00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:05,018 - I DID, DON'T FIT. 91 00:03:05,052 --> 00:03:06,587 - HEY. 92 00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:08,722 - GUESS WHO I JUST GOT A WEDDING INVITATION FROM. 93 00:03:08,756 --> 00:03:10,591 - OH, UH, LET ME GUESS. 94 00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:13,361 UH, YOUR COLLEGE ROOMMATE WHO YOU JUST HAD TO SET UP 95 00:03:13,394 --> 00:03:14,762 WITH MY BEST FRIEND, HANK, WHO THEN CHEATED ON HIM, 96 00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:16,364 BROKE HIS HEART, AND BASICALLY RUINED LAST SUMMER? 97 00:03:16,397 --> 00:03:18,332 - YOU GOT AN INVITE TOO? - NO, HANK DID. 98 00:03:18,366 --> 00:03:20,868 - SH--! THAT IS WHAT I WAS AFRAID OF. 99 00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:22,169 I MEAN, HE'S BASICALLY MARRYING HANK, 100 00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:23,704 IF HANK HAD A PRETTIER NAME. 101 00:03:23,737 --> 00:03:25,506 - I KNOW. - IS HE OKAY? 102 00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:27,040 - I MEAN, IF THE WEDDING IS THIS WEEKEND, 103 00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:29,377 HOW TACKY IS THAT? - DAMN TACKY, SON. 104 00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:30,611 - AND LOOK AT THIS INVITATION. 105 00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:32,045 REALLY, BITCH, CALLIGRAPHY? 106 00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:33,247 SH-- AIN'T EVEN GOT PROPER MARGINS. 107 00:03:33,281 --> 00:03:34,682 LOOK AT THAT. - UH, SO-SO. 108 00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:36,216 IT COULD GO EITHER WAY. 109 00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:37,851 HEY, DO ME A FAVOR. 110 00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:39,353 IF WE EVER BREAK UP FOR REAL SOME DAY, 111 00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:40,621 AND YOU MEET MY DEAD RINGER AND MARRY HIM, 112 00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:42,022 WILL YOU INVITE ME TO THE WEDDING? 113 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,391 I WANNA SEE WHAT I LOOK LIKE IN A TUX. 114 00:03:43,424 --> 00:03:44,625 - THERE IS NO WAY I'D WASTE 50 BUCKS 115 00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:45,693 ON A STEAK DINNER FOR YOU. 116 00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:47,194 - I'LL ORDER THE CHICKEN. 117 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:50,130 [hip-hop music] 118 00:03:50,163 --> 00:03:58,238 * 119 00:04:07,315 --> 00:04:09,650 [static crackling] 120 00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:12,586 [laughter and chatter] 121 00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:14,087 - I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND 122 00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:16,924 WHY GAY GUYS WANT TO GET MARRIED. 123 00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:18,125 I MEAN, WE HAD A SWEET DEAL IN THE OLD DAYS. 124 00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:20,060 DANCE, DRINK, SCREW. 125 00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:21,995 SHOP, EAT, SCREW SOMEONE ELSE. 126 00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:24,164 DRINK, DANCE, GO SEE MADONNA. 127 00:04:24,197 --> 00:04:26,233 SCREW SOME BACKUP DANCER FOR MADONNA. 128 00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:27,601 NO KIDS, NO RINGS, NO DIVORCE. 129 00:04:27,635 --> 00:04:29,437 IT WAS PERFECT. 130 00:04:29,470 --> 00:04:32,139 - OTHER THAN THE MADONNA STUFF, IT SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD. 131 00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:35,409 - ON TOP OF WHICH, I WON THIS BATTLE. 132 00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:36,844 BITCH IS MARRYING A BROTHER LOOK JUST LIKE ME. 133 00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:38,312 WHO THE HELL MISSES WHO HERE? 134 00:04:38,346 --> 00:04:39,813 AM I RIGHT? - YEAH. 135 00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:41,649 - YOU ARE GORGEOUS. 136 00:04:41,682 --> 00:04:42,783 AND UNLIKE YOUR PARTNER OVER HERE, 137 00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:44,418 A GREAT DANCER. 138 00:04:44,452 --> 00:04:45,753 - AND A FREE MAN. 139 00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:47,421 - YOU'RE A REAL CATCH, HANK. - YEAH. 140 00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:48,822 - YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU RIGHT. - MM-HMM. 141 00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:50,257 - I'M THE GODDAMN CATCH OF THE COUNTY, 142 00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:51,592 AND I'M TAKING THIS FINE BLACK ASS 143 00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:52,826 TO MY FAVORITE PICKUP JOINT. 144 00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:54,495 - GAY BAR DOWN THE STREET. 145 00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:55,696 - YEP, CALLED THE HOSPITAL. 146 00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:57,130 DONNIE, THE CUTE PUERTO RICAN DOCTOR, 147 00:04:57,164 --> 00:04:58,699 GETS OFF AT 11:00. 148 00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:00,133 AND I'M GONNA MAKE HIM MY PATIENT TONIGHT. 149 00:05:00,167 --> 00:05:01,335 - OOH. 150 00:05:01,369 --> 00:05:03,003 - OR VICE VERSA. - NICE. 151 00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:04,505 - AND YOU GUYS ARE COMING BACK FROM THAT WEDDING 152 00:05:04,538 --> 00:05:06,006 WITH A FULL REPORT ON ALEJANDRO, 153 00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:07,708 WHO I'M BETTING WILL BE A VERY SISSIFIED, 154 00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:10,310 PRISSY VERSION OF MOI. 155 00:05:10,344 --> 00:05:12,646 - OOH. 156 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:15,182 - AU REVOIR. 157 00:05:15,215 --> 00:05:17,485 - HEY, YOU CANNOT GO TO THAT WEDDING. 158 00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:18,986 HE'S HURTING INSIDE. 159 00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:20,521 - I KNOW, I GOTTA STAY AND KEEP WATCH, 160 00:05:20,554 --> 00:05:21,889 BUT THAT'S WHY YOU'VE GOTTA GO 161 00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:24,492 AND REPORT BACK THAT THIS ALEJANDRO CHARACTER 162 00:05:24,525 --> 00:05:26,026 IS A SH-- DANCER, FIVE-FEET TALL, 163 00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:27,361 AND BASICALLY A CHICK WITH A DICK. 164 00:05:27,395 --> 00:05:29,129 - FINE. 165 00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:30,464 - HEY, THERESA, IF YOU NEED A PLUS-ONE FOR THE WEDDING, 166 00:05:30,498 --> 00:05:31,899 I'D BE HAPPY TO JOIN YOU. 167 00:05:31,932 --> 00:05:33,534 - WHATEVER. - BOOM. 168 00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:34,668 - THAT OKAY WITH YOU, VOO? 169 00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:36,737 - YEAH, OF COURSE. 170 00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:38,506 - ARE YOU GUYS DATING? 171 00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:40,340 both: NO. 172 00:05:40,374 --> 00:05:41,375 - BRIAN LOVES WEDDINGS. 173 00:05:41,409 --> 00:05:43,010 - I STUDY THEM. 174 00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:44,712 SEEN ALL THE MOVIES. - [whispering] EVERY ONE. 175 00:05:44,745 --> 00:05:46,880 - MY ONLY PROBLEM WITH FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL 176 00:05:46,914 --> 00:05:49,917 WAS THAT IT WASN'T CALLED FIVE WEDDINGS AND NO FUNERAL. 177 00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:52,920 PLUS I KNOW HOW TO DO THE FOXTROT. 178 00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:55,923 - WELL, THIS IS GONNA BE A HIP GAY WEDDING. 179 00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:57,991 YOU KNOW, THEY'RE NOT GONNA BE DANCING 180 00:05:58,025 --> 00:06:00,260 TO ROLL OUT THE BARREL, SO... 181 00:06:00,293 --> 00:06:02,362 - ACTUALLY, THAT'S A POLKA. 182 00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:03,864 BUT I KNOW HOW TO DO THAT TOO. 183 00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:05,899 SO WE ARE COVERED. 184 00:06:05,933 --> 00:06:07,435 I HAVE SURPRISINGLY STRONG CALVES. 185 00:06:07,468 --> 00:06:09,770 I CAN DANCE ALL NIGHT. - COOL. 186 00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:10,771 - I'LL BE YOUR DANCE INSURANCE. 187 00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:12,506 - OOH. [laughter] 188 00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:14,341 - NO, HONESTLY, HE MAKES YOU SIGN SOMETHING. 189 00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:15,743 - I WILL. - IT'S REALLY INTIMIDATING. 190 00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:17,377 - A WAIVER? - JUST FOR JUST BOTH OUR SAFETY. 191 00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:23,617 - SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? 192 00:06:23,651 --> 00:06:25,519 - FANTASTIC. - GOOD. 193 00:06:25,553 --> 00:06:27,921 - DOCTOR HAD A PUERTO RICAN FLAG TATTOO ON HIS ASS. 194 00:06:27,955 --> 00:06:29,623 WAY WE WERE GOING, I HALF EXPECTED 195 00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:32,526 TO FIND PUERTO RICO JUST OFF THE COAST OF NEW JERSEY. 196 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:33,594 - [laughing] WELL, I'M GLAD YOU'RE DOING WELL. 197 00:06:33,627 --> 00:06:34,895 - NEVER BEEN BETTER, MAN. 198 00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:36,930 NEVER BEEN BETTER. 199 00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:38,699 WHAT THE NAME OF THE GUY JEFF'S MARRYING AGAIN? 200 00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:40,801 - OH, ALEJANDRO. - ALEJANDRO. 201 00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:42,402 - ALEJANDRO. 202 00:06:42,436 --> 00:06:44,104 SATURDAY, YOU AND ME, BRO. 203 00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:45,906 TWO SEATS ON THE GLASS, BLACKHAWKS/BRUINS. 204 00:06:45,939 --> 00:06:48,108 - YEAH, WAY BETTER THAN GOING TO A DUMB WEDDING. 205 00:06:48,141 --> 00:06:50,410 - IS THAT THE SAME DAY AS THE WEDDING? 206 00:06:50,444 --> 00:06:51,912 OH, I HAD NO IDEA. 207 00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:53,747 WOW, I'M SO SHALLOW. 208 00:06:53,781 --> 00:06:57,585 - WELL, HE SENT YOU AN INVITATION. 209 00:06:57,618 --> 00:07:00,420 - CHICAGO NORTH AMBULANCE NEEDED, LINCOLN PARK. 210 00:07:00,454 --> 00:07:02,289 - AMBULANCE 14 RESPONDING. 211 00:07:02,322 --> 00:07:04,057 I KNEW WHEN THE DAMN WEDDING WAS. 212 00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:05,993 - I'M JUST SAYING, HE SENT YOU AN INVITATION. 213 00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:07,828 - HIT ME FLUSH. 214 00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:09,630 GODDAMN DIRECT HIT. 215 00:07:09,663 --> 00:07:11,465 - AND JUST TO BE CLEAR, IT WAS A SOFTBALL, CORRECT? 216 00:07:11,499 --> 00:07:13,467 - YEAH, AND MY NUTS FEEL LIKE THEY'RE 217 00:07:13,501 --> 00:07:14,802 ABOUT A MILLION DEGREES RIGHT NOW. 218 00:07:14,835 --> 00:07:16,436 - I'M SORRY. 219 00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:18,305 - WHAT KIND OF A PITCH WAS THAT, GREG? 220 00:07:18,338 --> 00:07:19,773 IT'S SLOW PITCH, MAN. 221 00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:21,308 THAT WAS A FREAKING LASER BEAM. 222 00:07:21,341 --> 00:07:22,676 - ALL RIGHT, SIR. 223 00:07:22,710 --> 00:07:24,244 DROP YOUR PANTS. LET ME EXAMINE THE INJURY. 224 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,613 - RIGHT HERE? - THE SOONER YOU DROP 'EM, 225 00:07:25,646 --> 00:07:27,515 THE SOONER WE CAN GET YOU FIXED UP. 226 00:07:27,548 --> 00:07:28,682 - NO NEED TO WORRY, SIR. IT'S A COMMON SPORTS INJURY. 227 00:07:28,716 --> 00:07:30,450 IT HURTS LIKE HELL, BUT NINE TIMES OUTTA TEN 228 00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:31,919 IT'S JUST A LITTLE-- OH, MY GOD. 229 00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,587 - WHAT? 230 00:07:33,621 --> 00:07:35,523 - OH, MY GOD, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS. 231 00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:37,625 - WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY BALLS? - I CAN'T DO THIS. 232 00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:39,159 - WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY BALLS? 233 00:07:39,192 --> 00:07:41,094 AM I GONNA LOSE MY BALLS? OH, MY GOD! 234 00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:42,596 - JUST CALM DOWN. - WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? 235 00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:43,797 - YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE. JUST CALM DOWN. 236 00:07:43,831 --> 00:07:45,966 - HE SAID--WHAT DID HE MEAN? 237 00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:47,801 - IT'S A BRUISE. YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE. 238 00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:49,269 NOW WE COULD TAKE YOU TO THE UROLOGIST, 239 00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:51,171 BUT BETWEEN THE DOCTOR AND THE NURSE 240 00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:52,640 THAT'S JUST TWO MORE PEOPLE THAT ARE GONNA SEE YOUR JUNK. 241 00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:53,941 YOUR BEST BET IS TO ICE IT DOWN FOR 20 MINUTES 242 00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:55,475 AND WALK IT OFF. 243 00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:56,977 BRIAN, HANDLE THIS. 244 00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:59,613 - BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN ONE OF THESE BEFORE. 245 00:07:59,647 --> 00:08:02,349 HI. 246 00:08:02,382 --> 00:08:04,317 WHAT I MEANT WAS I'VE NEVER DEALT 247 00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:05,819 WITH THIS PARTICULAR INJURY. 248 00:08:05,853 --> 00:08:09,990 I'VE OBVIOUSLY SEEN PENISES BEFORE. 249 00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:12,826 NOT A LOT. MOSTLY MINE. 250 00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:15,128 AND OLD GUYS AT THE GYM. 251 00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:16,830 WHAT IS IT WITH OLD GUYS AND NUDITY? 252 00:08:16,864 --> 00:08:18,732 - YEAH, RIGHT? - EXACTLY. 253 00:08:18,766 --> 00:08:21,969 - SHUT UP, GREG! 254 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,905 - OKAY, I'M JUST GONNA-- RIGHT. 255 00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:27,374 - THAT GUY'S PENIS. 256 00:08:27,407 --> 00:08:28,709 - YEAH? 257 00:08:28,742 --> 00:08:31,011 - GOD, THIS IS SO STUPID. 258 00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:32,846 - TELL ME, BRO. 259 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:36,584 - THAT GUY HAD THE EXACT SAME PENIS AS JEFF THE CHEF. 260 00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:38,586 THE EXACT SAME ONE. 261 00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:40,588 WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? 262 00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:42,155 - DON'T THEY ALL PRETTY MUCH LOOK THE SAME? 263 00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:43,857 - SOMETIMES IF THERE'S A LOT OF GUYS INVOLVED 264 00:08:43,891 --> 00:08:45,893 AND I'M DRUNK, YEAH. 265 00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:48,228 BUT JEFF'S, HIS WAS SPECIAL. 266 00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:51,765 I COULD PICK HIS DICK OUT OF A ROOM FULL OF DICKS. 267 00:08:51,799 --> 00:08:54,034 - WE'RE A LITTLE OUTSIDE OF MY AREA OF EXPERTISE HERE. 268 00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:56,036 - I JUST WASN'T EXPECTING TO SEE MY PAST 269 00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:57,738 STARING ME IN THE FACE LIKE THAT, JOHN. 270 00:08:57,771 --> 00:09:00,040 GOD, SH--. 271 00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:02,075 WHAT AM I DOING? WHERE AM I GOING? 272 00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:03,711 WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME? 273 00:09:03,744 --> 00:09:06,413 THAT INVITATION REALLY MESSED ME UP, BRO. 274 00:09:06,446 --> 00:09:08,749 - I KNOW. 275 00:09:08,782 --> 00:09:12,620 I KNOW. 276 00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:14,622 THINK THERESA COULD PICK MY DICK OUT OF A ROOM FULL OF DICKS? 277 00:09:14,655 --> 00:09:17,090 - HANK, WE GOT A CALL FROM YOUR MOM. 278 00:09:17,124 --> 00:09:18,558 SHE NEEDS HELP AT THE HOUSE. 279 00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:20,794 - GOTTA BE KIDDING ME. - WE'RE ON IT. 280 00:09:20,828 --> 00:09:22,730 - REMIND HER THAT DISPATCH 281 00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:24,197 ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE USED FOR PERSONAL CALLS. 282 00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:26,433 - OKAY, ROGER THAT. WE GOT IT. 283 00:09:26,466 --> 00:09:27,868 LISTEN, YOU GOT THIS. 284 00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:29,637 LOOK AT ME. YOU GOT THIS. 285 00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:31,705 - IT'S JUST THAT SHE-- - OKAY, WE GOT IT! 286 00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:33,306 BRIAN, LET'S ROLL. WE'RE WHEELS UP. 287 00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:34,875 STOP PLAYING WITH THAT GUY'S BALLS. 288 00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:37,077 - THERE'S MY BABY. 289 00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:39,412 - HEY, MAMA. - HEY, MAMA SAINT. 290 00:09:39,446 --> 00:09:41,448 - HI, JOHNNY. - WE CAN'T STAY LONG. 291 00:09:41,481 --> 00:09:42,916 - YOU NEED SOMETHING FIXED, MAMA SAINT? 292 00:09:42,950 --> 00:09:44,484 - OH, NO, I DON'T NEED YOU BOYS 293 00:09:44,517 --> 00:09:45,753 TO DO ANY CHORES FOR ME TODAY. 294 00:09:45,786 --> 00:09:47,120 BUT A LITTLE BIRD JUST TOLD ME 295 00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:48,822 ABOUT JEFF THE CHEF, 296 00:09:48,856 --> 00:09:50,423 AND I HAD TO CHECK IN WITH MY BABY. 297 00:09:50,457 --> 00:09:52,159 - WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT? 298 00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:54,161 - SORRY, DEUCE, YOUR MOM GAVE ME SOME WINE. 299 00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:56,897 I JUST STARTED KINDA RUNNING OFF AT THE MOUTH. 300 00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:59,066 - CASSIUS TOLD ME THAT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING. 301 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:01,401 IS THAT TRUE? - YES. 302 00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:03,170 - HENRY ST. CLARE, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY 303 00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:04,738 GOING TO THAT WEDDING. 304 00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:07,007 YOU WILL NOT HANG YOUR HEAD IN SHAME. 305 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,842 THIS IS A PROUD FAMILY. 306 00:10:08,876 --> 00:10:10,778 AND YOU ARE A PROUD BLACK MAN. 307 00:10:10,811 --> 00:10:13,747 YOU DO NOT RUN AWAY FROM SITUATIONS SUCH AS THIS. 308 00:10:13,781 --> 00:10:15,615 YOU'RE GONNA WALK IN THERE WITH YOUR HEAD HELD HIGH, 309 00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:18,085 AND YOU'RE GONNA SHINE LIKE A PRECIOUS STONE. 310 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,920 SIT IN THE FRONT, SMILE THE BIGGEST, 311 00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:21,254 SING THE LOUDEST. 312 00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:22,690 AND IF THE PREACHER ASKS, 313 00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:24,792 "DOES ANYONE OBJECT TO THIS WEDDING?" 314 00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:29,429 YOU'RE GONNA STAND UP AND SAY, "HELL, NO, I DON'T." 315 00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:32,700 HENRY, PROMISE ME YOU'LL GO TO THE WEDDING. 316 00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:34,301 - MOM, I'M NOT GOING! 317 00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:36,336 - HANK, YOUR MAMA ASKED YOU TO MAKE A PROMISE. 318 00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:37,705 NOW I KNOW I'M NOT YOUR DADDY, 319 00:10:37,738 --> 00:10:39,707 BUT I DO SIT AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE, 320 00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:42,109 AND I DO GET THE EXTRA PIECE OF MEAT WHEN THERE IS ONE. 321 00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,944 WE'RE WATCHING OUR CHOLESTEROL. 322 00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:46,513 MINE'S SUPPOSED TO BE UP OVER 200 OR SOMETHING. 323 00:10:46,546 --> 00:10:49,983 HALF THE PROGRAMS ON THE DVR ARE MY PROGRAMS. 324 00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:52,052 I GOT ABOUT SIX PAIRS OF DRAWERS IN THE DRYER. 325 00:10:52,085 --> 00:10:53,120 WHERE WAS I GOING WITH THIS? 326 00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,888 HELP ME OUT. 327 00:10:54,922 --> 00:10:56,790 - YOU WERE TELLING HIM TO GO TO THE WEDDING. 328 00:10:56,824 --> 00:10:58,358 - YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. DO WHAT YOUR MAMA SAID. 329 00:10:58,391 --> 00:11:02,295 GO TO THAT WEDDING TOMORROW AND SHINE LIKE A GEM. 330 00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:05,032 JUST MAKE THE PROMISE, SON, AND MAKE IT NOW. 331 00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:06,867 - FINE, I'LL GO. BYE, MAMA. 332 00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:09,002 - SEE? 333 00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:11,171 WHAT'D I TELL YOU? FATHER FIGURE. 334 00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:13,040 - OH, HE'S NOT GOING, PADRE. 335 00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:15,175 HE'S JUST SAYING THAT TO SHUT YOU UP. 336 00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:16,977 - YOU ARE? - YEP. 337 00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,146 WE'RE GOING TO THE BLACKHAWKS-BRUINS GAME. 338 00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,714 BYE, MAMA. 339 00:11:20,748 --> 00:11:22,215 - DAMN! 340 00:11:22,249 --> 00:11:24,184 WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY? 341 00:11:24,217 --> 00:11:27,354 - OH, SHUT UP AND LET'S HAVE OURSELVES A GOOD DAY. 342 00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:29,589 - THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. 343 00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:35,328 - DAMN GREAT DAY FOR A GAME. 344 00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:36,596 - OH, YEAH, BEERS. - FIGHTS. 345 00:11:36,629 --> 00:11:37,865 - BODY CHECKS. - JONATHAN TOEWS. 346 00:11:37,898 --> 00:11:39,199 - PATRICK KANE. 347 00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:41,101 - PATRICK KANE'S EYES AND HIS ASS. 348 00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:42,836 - OKAY. OKAY, JUST THIS ONCE 349 00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:45,038 I WILL TALK TO YOU ABOUT PATRICK KANE'S EYES AND HIS ASS, 350 00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:47,674 BECAUSE TODAY I'M GONNA BE THE GREATEST WINGMAN OF ALL TIME. 351 00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:49,910 AND TONIGHT, I'M GONNA GET YOU LAID. 352 00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:51,444 NOT THAT YOU NEED ANY HELP, 353 00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:52,946 'CAUSE YOU CAN BASICALLY SNAP YOUR FINGERS 354 00:11:52,980 --> 00:11:54,882 AND THEN 20 BLOWJOBS APPEAR OUT OF THIN AIR. 355 00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:57,217 WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE TO HAVE YOUR LIFE. 356 00:11:57,250 --> 00:11:59,586 I MEAN, JUST ALL THE ONE-NIGHT STANDS 357 00:11:59,619 --> 00:12:00,954 AND CASUAL SEX. 358 00:12:00,988 --> 00:12:02,555 I MEAN, SEX IS NEVER CASUAL FOR ME, EVER. 359 00:12:02,589 --> 00:12:06,093 LIKE, LIKE EVER. 360 00:12:06,126 --> 00:12:07,060 WHOA! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. 361 00:12:07,094 --> 00:12:08,528 WHERE WE GOING? 362 00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:09,897 - WEDDING. I CHANGED MY MIND. 363 00:12:09,930 --> 00:12:11,198 - I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS, 364 00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:12,532 BUT IT IS AN EMERGENCY. 365 00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,267 THREE WORDS: PATRICK KANE'S ASS. 366 00:12:14,301 --> 00:12:16,269 - I FEEL LIKE SUCH A PUSSY FOR RUNNING AWAY FROM THIS. 367 00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:18,205 I'M 6'5", 220, 368 00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:19,807 AND LIKE MY MAMA SAY, WE DON'T RUN FROM SH--. 369 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,108 - WEDDING STARTS AT 1:00. 370 00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:22,475 - WE CAN STILL MAKE THE RECEPTION. 371 00:12:22,509 --> 00:12:24,111 - I'M WEARING A STAN MIKITA T-SHIRT. 372 00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:26,046 - I GOT ONE OF JEFF'S OLD SUITS BACK AT THE HOUSE. 373 00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:27,647 - YOU KNOW THIS THING'S WORTH, LIKE, 50 BUCKS ON EBAY, RIGHT? 374 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:30,150 - THE SUIT I'M GIVING YOU IS WORTH A THOUSAND. 375 00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:31,985 - I COULD USE A NEW SUIT. 376 00:12:32,019 --> 00:12:34,788 [upbeat music] 377 00:12:34,822 --> 00:12:37,757 * 378 00:12:37,791 --> 00:12:39,592 - HOW DO I LOOK? - HOW DO YOU WANNA LOOK? 379 00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:41,895 - CROSS BETWEEN SIDNEY POITIER AND SHAFT. 380 00:12:41,929 --> 00:12:43,630 - OKAY. OKAY, I GET THAT. 381 00:12:43,663 --> 00:12:45,232 THROW IN A LITTLE DENZEL STROLL TOO. 382 00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:46,800 - MM. 383 00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:48,902 - AGH, I WISH I WAS BLACK RIGHT NOW. 384 00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:50,971 - HANK! 385 00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:52,605 YOU LOOK FANTASTIC. 386 00:12:52,639 --> 00:12:54,307 - HOLY SH--, THAT DRESS IS BANGIN'. 387 00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:56,243 - THANK YOU. MY DATE BRIAN CHOSE IT. 388 00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:57,945 - I GAVE HER A FEW LOOKS. 389 00:12:57,978 --> 00:13:00,280 - HOW DO I LOOK? - VERY, VERY HANDSOME. 390 00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:01,781 - HOW WAS THE CEREMONY? 391 00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:03,283 - EH, I'D GIVE IT A "B". 392 00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:04,617 THEY READ FROM CORINTHIANS, 393 00:13:04,651 --> 00:13:06,353 WHICH COULDN'T BE MORE CLICHE. 394 00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:08,255 THE ORCHESTRA WAS WAY TOO UP TEMPO ON THE PROCESSIONAL. 395 00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:10,290 IT'S LIKE, LET THE THING BREATHE. 396 00:13:10,323 --> 00:13:12,125 AM I RIGHT? - YOU CAN TELL ME THE TRUTH. 397 00:13:12,159 --> 00:13:13,626 - OH, MY GOD, THE WHOLE THING WAS AMAZING. 398 00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:14,962 A-PLUS-PLUS. 399 00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:16,196 I GOT THE NAME OF THE COORDINATOR. 400 00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:17,197 - BRIAN. - HIS NAME IS DARREN. 401 00:13:17,230 --> 00:13:20,267 - THERE HE IS. 402 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,635 - YOU OKAY? 403 00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:24,204 - NEVER BEEN BETTER. LET'S DANCE. 404 00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:25,805 - WHOA, I DON'T DANCE. 405 00:13:25,839 --> 00:13:27,174 - YOU ARE MY DATE. YOU DANCIN'. 406 00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:30,043 - NO, COME-- NO--NO, I DON'T DANCE. 407 00:13:30,077 --> 00:13:31,378 I DON'T-- 408 00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:33,813 - ANOTHER DRINK, MILADY? 409 00:13:33,847 --> 00:13:38,986 * 410 00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:40,653 THIS IS MY FIRST GAY WEDDING. 411 00:13:40,687 --> 00:13:42,990 - CONGRATULATIONS. - THANK YOU. 412 00:13:43,023 --> 00:13:45,225 FIRST GAY WEDDING. - YEAH, I HEARD. 413 00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:47,360 - I HAVE TO SAY, IT'S BEEN AN ABSOLUTE PLEASURE. 414 00:13:47,394 --> 00:13:48,996 - THAT'S GREAT. 415 00:13:49,029 --> 00:13:51,064 - I MEAN, STRAIGHT WEDDINGS ARE FUN TOO, 416 00:13:51,098 --> 00:13:52,499 BUT THERE'S SOMETHING EXTRA SPECIAL GOING ON HERE TODAY. 417 00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:54,334 - YEAH, IT'S CALLED AN OPEN BAR. 418 00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:55,302 - [chuckles] AWESOME! 419 00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:56,870 FIRST GAY WEDDING JOKE. 420 00:13:56,904 --> 00:13:59,539 - UGH, CAN WE STOP DANCING NOW? 421 00:13:59,572 --> 00:14:01,741 - HEY, LOOK, I WANNA BE HAVING FUN WHEN JEFF SEES ME. 422 00:14:01,774 --> 00:14:03,410 AND I'M GONNA BE DANCING LIKE A FREAK 423 00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:05,345 WHEN HE POINTS ME OUT TO LITTLE HANK JR. 424 00:14:05,378 --> 00:14:07,680 RELAX. JUST DANCE TO THE BEAT. DON'T DANCE TO THE WORDS. 425 00:14:07,714 --> 00:14:08,982 - THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING, 426 00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:10,417 AND I STILL LOOK LIKE THIS. 427 00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:11,885 I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS. 428 00:14:11,919 --> 00:14:13,653 - OKAY, MAYBE JUST TRY STANDING STILL. 429 00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:15,255 - I'M NOT GONNA BE THE ASSHOLE 430 00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:17,557 STANDING STILL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DANCE FLOOR. 431 00:14:17,590 --> 00:14:18,892 YOU KNOW YOU'RE THE ONLY GUY I'D DO THIS FOR, RIGHT? 432 00:14:18,926 --> 00:14:20,327 - YES, YES, YES. - OKAY. 433 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:21,995 - COME TO FERNANDO. 434 00:14:22,029 --> 00:14:23,763 - [chuckles] 435 00:14:23,796 --> 00:14:26,233 - UH, I'M NOT REALLY A DANCER. 436 00:14:26,266 --> 00:14:27,901 - NONSENSE. 437 00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:29,102 OPEN YOUR HIPS. 438 00:14:29,136 --> 00:14:30,770 - WHAT? 439 00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:33,006 - OPEN YOUR HIPS. LIKE THIS. 440 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:34,541 - EH. 441 00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:38,111 - RELEASE YOUR BODY TO THE MUSIC. 442 00:14:38,145 --> 00:14:39,712 - [laughs] 443 00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:42,082 - UM, I'M NOT REAL-- 444 00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:43,383 WHAT, YOU MEAN LIKE THAT? 445 00:14:43,416 --> 00:14:45,418 - YES, YES, YES, YES. 446 00:14:45,452 --> 00:14:47,054 SET YOUR HIPS FREE, 447 00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:49,289 LET THEM FLY, LET THEM SOAR. 448 00:14:49,322 --> 00:14:53,126 - JUST, UH...OKAY. 449 00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:56,263 OKAY, THAT KINDA FEELS RIGHT. 450 00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:57,730 I OPEN MY HIPS. - OPEN YOUR HIPS. 451 00:14:57,764 --> 00:15:00,367 - OKAY, OKAY. - [laughs] 452 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,634 - HOLY SH--, I'M DANCING. 453 00:15:01,668 --> 00:15:02,902 - HOLY SH--, HE'S DANCING. 454 00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:04,371 - [laughs] 455 00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:06,739 - THERESA, THIS IS KEITH. - HI, KEITH. 456 00:15:06,773 --> 00:15:08,075 - HELLO. - HOW YOU DOING? 457 00:15:08,108 --> 00:15:09,476 - KEITH'S HERE ALONE. 458 00:15:09,509 --> 00:15:10,743 HIS BOYFRIEND'S AT HOME WATCHING THE KIDS, 459 00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:12,279 RUFUS AND MONTE. 460 00:15:12,312 --> 00:15:13,981 THEY'RE BEAGLES, AND THEY'RE ADORABLE. 461 00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:16,283 SO CHECK THIS OUT, THERESA. KEITH IS ALSO A COP. 462 00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:18,151 - OH, REALLY? 463 00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:19,286 - THIS WAS THE COP FRIEND YOU WERE TELLING ME ABOUT? 464 00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:21,054 - THERESA'S THE BEST COP IN CHICAGO. 465 00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:22,789 - OH, COME ON, BRI. - WELL, I DOUBT THAT. 466 00:15:22,822 --> 00:15:24,091 - EXCUSE ME? 467 00:15:24,124 --> 00:15:25,758 - SWEETHEART... 468 00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:27,227 YOU KNOW WHAT, WE'RE AT A WEDDING. 469 00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:28,962 LET'S NOT GET INTO IT. 470 00:15:28,996 --> 00:15:30,230 - NO, DON'T HOLD BACK ON MY ACCOUNT. 471 00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:31,931 GO ON. 472 00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:34,267 - BEING A COP IS A MAN'S JOB. - OH. 473 00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:35,568 - I MEAN, YOU GIRLS ARE GREAT 474 00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:37,904 FOR CERTAIN POLICE PROCEDURAL WORK. 475 00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:39,672 BUT FOR EVERYDAY, BOOTS-ON-THE-GROUND, 476 00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:41,141 FRONT-LINES-OF-CRIME STUFF, 477 00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:43,610 YOU'RE A LIABILITY. 478 00:15:43,643 --> 00:15:46,479 - OH. I SEE WHAT HAPPENED. 479 00:15:46,513 --> 00:15:48,181 YOU MISUNDERSTOOD. 480 00:15:48,215 --> 00:15:49,983 I SAID THAT THERESA WAS A GOOD COP. 481 00:15:50,017 --> 00:15:52,319 NOT A TERRIBLE COP. YOU SWITCHED 'EM. 482 00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:53,953 - SO WHAT'S YOUR DEAL? 483 00:15:53,987 --> 00:15:55,322 YOU'RE A MISOGYNISTIC GAY COP? 484 00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:58,125 - NOPE, I'M A REALIST. 485 00:15:58,158 --> 00:15:59,859 - HUH. 486 00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:03,196 - HOW GREAT ARE FIREMEN THOUGH? 487 00:16:03,230 --> 00:16:06,266 - [laughs] 488 00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:09,502 [Latin music] 489 00:16:09,536 --> 00:16:10,937 HEY, YOU DOING OKAY? 490 00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:12,772 - I'M DOING GREAT. I'M DOING GREAT. 491 00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:14,007 - I'LL BE BACK. - THIS GUY'S GREAT. 492 00:16:14,041 --> 00:16:16,109 WHOA! 493 00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:18,345 [laughs] OH, OKAY. 494 00:16:18,378 --> 00:16:21,114 - AS A GAY MAN WHO FOUGHT AGAINST PREJUDICE, 495 00:16:21,148 --> 00:16:23,516 HOW CAN YOU HONESTLY ESPOUSE SUCH OUTDATED VIEWS? 496 00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:25,185 - BECAUSE AS A GAY COP, 497 00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:27,487 I REALIZE NOT EVERYBODY CAN PLAY THE GAME. 498 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,322 IT'S LIKE BRIAN URLACHER. 499 00:16:29,356 --> 00:16:31,624 THERE WASN'T A CHICK THAT COULD DO HIS JOB, 500 00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:34,827 BECAUSE HE'S A VERY LARGE MAN IN A VERY VIOLENT GAME. 501 00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:37,230 THIS ISN'T TENNIS, BILLY JEAN KING. 502 00:16:37,264 --> 00:16:39,066 IT'S LIFE OR DEATH. 503 00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:43,203 AND YOU GOTTA HAVE A BIG BRASS SET OF HUGE COJONES. 504 00:16:43,236 --> 00:16:46,239 - GUYS, GUYS, THIS IS A WEDDING. 505 00:16:46,273 --> 00:16:47,874 A GAY WEDDING. 506 00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:49,409 MY FIRST GAY WEDDING. 507 00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:51,344 AND THE ONLY FIGHTING SHOULD BE US 508 00:16:51,378 --> 00:16:54,547 FIGHTING FOR OUR RIGHT TO PARTY. 509 00:16:54,581 --> 00:16:56,383 - YOU'RE RIGHT, BRIAN. 510 00:16:56,416 --> 00:16:58,318 LET'S DANCE. 511 00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:00,353 - DON'T GET ANYONE KILLED OUT ON THE DANCE FLOOR. 512 00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:02,322 - NO. 513 00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:04,557 - I SHOULD REALLY KICK YOUR ASS FOR SAYING THAT. 514 00:17:04,591 --> 00:17:06,559 - WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, YOU GONNA KICK ME IN THE NUTS? 515 00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:11,431 - AGHH! 516 00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:14,234 YOU KICKED ME IN MY NUTS. 517 00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:16,336 - IT'S OKAY. I KNOW WHAT TO DO. 518 00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:18,838 ONE, DON'T PANIC. TWO, KNOW THAT YOUR TESTICLES 519 00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:20,507 WILL EVENTUALLY RETURN TO THEIR NORMAL SIZE. 520 00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,842 AND THREE IS...ICE. 521 00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,043 I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. - [groans] 522 00:17:28,081 --> 00:17:30,183 - HEY. HANK. 523 00:17:30,217 --> 00:17:32,085 ALEJANDRO, THIS IS-- 524 00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:33,686 - THE BIGGER, BLACKER VERSION OF ME. 525 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,888 HI, I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU. 526 00:17:35,922 --> 00:17:37,224 GOD, YOU ARE GORGEOUS, 527 00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:38,725 WHICH OF COURSE MEANS SO AM I. 528 00:17:38,758 --> 00:17:40,127 - YES, YOU ARE. - THANK YOU FOR COMING, HANK. 529 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:41,794 I KNOW IT WAS SHORT NOTICE, 530 00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:43,096 BUT I THINK IT CAME TOGETHER PRETTY WELL, DIDN'T IT? 531 00:17:43,130 --> 00:17:44,597 WHO NEEDS A YEAR TO PLAN A WEDDING? 532 00:17:44,631 --> 00:17:47,134 - STRAIGHT PEOPLE. [laughter] 533 00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:49,202 - SO, UM-- 534 00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:52,205 - LISTEN, SWEETIE, LET'S PUT IT ALL OUT ON THE TABLE HERE. 535 00:17:52,239 --> 00:17:54,073 WHEN I FIRST SAW A PICTURE OF YOU IN JEFF'S PHONE, 536 00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:56,209 I THOUGHT, OH, MY GOD, 537 00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:58,645 AM I JUST A STAND-IN HERE WHEN I WANTED TO BE THE STAR? 538 00:17:58,678 --> 00:18:01,648 BUT THEN I REMEMBERED IT'S ALL ABOUT TIMING, BABY. 539 00:18:01,681 --> 00:18:04,984 HE LOVED YOU, BUT YOU WEREN'T READY TO SETTLE DOWN. 540 00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:07,086 I WAS, SO TO US, TO ME ESPECIALLY, 541 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:08,821 YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART. 542 00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:11,991 BECAUSE OTHERWISE, I NEVER WOULD HAVE FOUND HIM. 543 00:18:15,328 --> 00:18:18,131 - YOU'RE RIGHT. I WASN'T READY. 544 00:18:18,165 --> 00:18:21,234 - AND I WAS-- TO GET MARRIED, TO HAVE KIDS. 545 00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:23,436 WE JUST ADOPTED A LITTLE CHINESE BABY, A GIRL. 546 00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:24,837 - OH, SWEET, WHAT'S HER NAME? 547 00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:26,105 - WE WANNA CALL HER BY HER GIVEN NAME, 548 00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:27,974 WHICH IS HO-WAN-HO. 549 00:18:28,007 --> 00:18:29,442 [coughs] 550 00:18:29,476 --> 00:18:30,843 - COOL. 551 00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:32,078 YOU KNOW WHAT'S A GOOD GIRL'S NAME? 552 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,580 COLLEEN. 553 00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,582 - OH, I LIKE THAT. IT'S EASY TO PRONOUNCE. 554 00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:38,017 EVERY TIME I TRY TO SAY HER NAME, I GET A HAIRBALL. 555 00:18:38,050 --> 00:18:39,452 - [chuckles] 556 00:18:39,486 --> 00:18:42,455 LOOK, I CAME HERE TODAY TO HOLD MY HEAD UP HIGH. 557 00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:44,691 AND TRUTHFULLY TO SEE IF YOU WERE MARRYING ALEJANDRO 558 00:18:44,724 --> 00:18:46,693 AS A REPLACEMENT FOR ME. 559 00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:48,027 I CAME HERE WITH ALL THIS ATTITUDE, 560 00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:50,263 AS IF THIS WAS ALL ABOUT ME. 561 00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:54,133 WHICH, CLEARLY, IT WASN'T. 562 00:18:54,167 --> 00:18:56,336 I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER FOR THE TWO OF YOU. 563 00:18:56,369 --> 00:18:59,839 [upbeat music] 564 00:18:59,872 --> 00:19:02,609 - THIS IS OUR SONG, BUT IT'S SO NICE TO MEET YOU, HANK. 565 00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:04,444 - YOU TOO. - COME SAY HI TO HO-WAN-HO. 566 00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:07,180 - YES, I WILL. 567 00:19:07,214 --> 00:19:13,220 * 568 00:19:13,253 --> 00:19:14,687 - YO! 569 00:19:14,721 --> 00:19:16,155 LOST YOU THERE FOR A BIT. 570 00:19:16,189 --> 00:19:17,557 YOU ALL RIGHT? - YEAH, BRO, I'M GOOD. 571 00:19:17,590 --> 00:19:18,625 - YOU SURE? - YEAH, MAN, I'M GOOD. 572 00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:20,126 - OKAY. - I'M GOOD. 573 00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:22,161 - [groans] 574 00:19:22,195 --> 00:19:24,897 - HEY, GUYS, I'M USING MY NEW SKILL. 575 00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:26,833 [both chuckle] - HEY, JOHN. 576 00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:28,301 FERNANDO WAS LOOKING FOR YOU. 577 00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:31,070 TURNS OUT YOU MADE QUITE THE IMPRESSION. 578 00:19:31,103 --> 00:19:32,205 HE WANTED TO GIVE YOU HIS NUMBER. 579 00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:33,840 - OOH. 580 00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:35,074 - HOW 'BOUT THAT? I GOT DIGITS. 581 00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:36,543 - YOU GOT DIGITS. 582 00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:37,977 - AND I THINK HE'S PRETTIER THAN ME. 583 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,679 - NOT A CHANCE. - OKAY, SO APPLY ICE AS NEEDED. 584 00:19:39,712 --> 00:19:42,081 AVOID STRENUOUS ACTIVITY FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS. 585 00:19:42,114 --> 00:19:43,516 MAYBE STOP UNDERESTIMATING WOMEN 586 00:19:43,550 --> 00:19:45,051 OR WEAR A CUP. 587 00:19:45,084 --> 00:19:46,686 IT'S YOUR CALL. 588 00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:48,221 - HOW'S HE DOING? 589 00:19:48,255 --> 00:19:49,522 - NOT GONNA BE PATROLLING THE STREETS 590 00:19:49,556 --> 00:19:50,490 ON HIS BIKE ANYTIME SOON. 591 00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:52,659 - HE'S A BIKE COP? 592 00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:55,428 - YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY GLAD I CAME TO THIS WITH YOU GUYS. 593 00:19:55,462 --> 00:19:57,597 JEFF ISN'T MARRYING THE KNOCK-OFF VERSION OF ME. 594 00:19:57,630 --> 00:19:59,266 HE'S MARRYING A BETTER VERSION OF ME. 595 00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:01,000 - WHAT? THAT DUDE? NO WAY. 596 00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,702 - IT'S OKAY, BRO. IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME, HONESTLY. 597 00:20:02,735 --> 00:20:04,604 I REALIZE NOW I REALLY AM OVER JEFF. 598 00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:06,906 I DON'T WANT HIM. I JUST WANT WHAT HE HAS. 599 00:20:06,939 --> 00:20:08,741 HE FOUND HIS SOUL MATE. HE FOUND THE ONE. 600 00:20:08,775 --> 00:20:11,578 THAT'S WHAT I WANT. 601 00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:13,446 I'M DONE WITH RANDOM HOOKUPS, CHASING TAIL. 602 00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:15,248 DONE WITH IT. 603 00:20:15,282 --> 00:20:17,049 I WANT SOMETHING MEANINGFUL, SOMETHING PERMANENT. 604 00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:19,352 - I'M FEELING SOME GROWTH HERE TODAY. 605 00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:21,254 - I DO WANNA GET MARRIED, HAVE A COUPLE KIDS, 606 00:20:21,288 --> 00:20:23,956 AND I WANT THE GUY THAT I CAN STAND UP WITH 607 00:20:23,990 --> 00:20:25,725 IN FRONT OF ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY 608 00:20:25,758 --> 00:20:29,296 AND SAY, "THIS IS MY MAN. MY SOUL MATE." 609 00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:31,631 THAT'S WHY GOD PUT US ON THIS EARTH. 610 00:20:31,664 --> 00:20:35,101 I AM A CHANGED MAN. THIS WEDDING HAS CHANGED ME. 611 00:20:35,134 --> 00:20:37,470 THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME TODAY. 612 00:20:37,504 --> 00:20:40,106 HOLY SH--, LOOK AT THAT ASS. I'LL SEE Y'ALL LATER. 613 00:20:40,139 --> 00:20:41,808 - WHOA, WHAT ABOUT THE SPEECH YOU JUST GAVE 614 00:20:41,841 --> 00:20:43,410 AND FINDING YOUR SOUL MATE? 615 00:20:43,443 --> 00:20:45,144 - LOOK, MAYBE THIS IS HIM. 616 00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:47,480 I GOTTA START THE SEARCH SOMEWHERE. 617 00:20:47,514 --> 00:20:49,482 [upbeat music] HEY, BUDDY, HOW ARE YOU? 618 00:20:49,516 --> 00:20:51,451 - I LOVE THIS SONG. 619 00:20:51,484 --> 00:20:54,654 - WELL, THEN TAKE MY HAND, MY DEAR. 620 00:20:54,687 --> 00:20:55,788 - YEAH? - YEAH. 621 00:20:55,822 --> 00:20:57,657 - OOH. 622 00:20:57,690 --> 00:20:59,959 - YOU KNOW, SINCE I LEARNED TO DANCE A LITTLE BIT, 623 00:20:59,992 --> 00:21:01,761 I'M, LIKE, 20% LESS SCARED TO GET MARRIED. 624 00:21:01,794 --> 00:21:03,396 - HOW DRUNK ARE YOU EXACTLY? 625 00:21:03,430 --> 00:21:05,632 - UH, JUST ABOUT THE RIGHT EXACT AMOUNT, I THINK. 626 00:21:05,665 --> 00:21:07,667 - WHOO-HOO! 627 00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:09,669 - LOOK AT THIS. 628 00:21:09,702 --> 00:21:12,339 * 629 00:21:12,372 --> 00:21:14,441 - WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BRIAN? 630 00:21:14,474 --> 00:21:15,508 - THE FOXTROT. 631 00:21:15,542 --> 00:21:17,577 NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER. 632 00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:25,652 * 633 00:21:34,794 --> 00:21:37,697 [hip-hop music] 634 00:21:37,730 --> 00:21:45,805 * 45387

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