All language subtitles for Sirens.2014.S01E02.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.x264-RCVR_track3_eng

[thunder]

[sirens blaring]

- LIGHTNING STRIKE. 24.
TWO CARS ON SITE.

- MY MOTHER, SHE WAS HIT.

- SHE WAS HOLDING
MR. JOHNSON'S HAND

AND LEADING HIM IN
A SALVATION PRAYER FOR HIS SOUL

WHEN WE HEARD
THIS LOUD BOOM.

- VOODOO AND STATS,
WE GOT THE MOM.

DEUCE AND MOUSSE,
TAKE MR. JOHNSON.

- THERE ARE 25 MILLION
LIGHTNING STRIKES A YEAR

IN THE UNITED STATES,

400 OF WHICH
INCLUDE HUMAN CONTACT,

ONLY 10% OF WHICH
INCUR FATALITY.

- IS THIS TRUE?

- MA'AM,
IF IT COMES OUT OF HER MOUTH,

YOU CAN TAKE IT TO THE BANK.
- OKAY.

- GET THEM ON THE STRETCHERS
AND IN THE RIGS, FAST.

- HEY, DRESS THAT BURN,
BRIAN.

- STATS, A.E.D.

- THE SYMPATHETIC NERVOUS SYSTEM
MAY RESPOND

WITH MASSIVE VASOCONSTRICTION
PRODUCING HYPERTENSION.

- HOW YOU DOING OVER THERE,
MOUSSE?

- ALMOST READY, CASH.
OW!

HELLO!
SIR, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

THIS ONE'S COMING AROUND.
LET'S GET HIM IN THE RIG.

- LACK OF AN ENTRY WOUND
INDICATES SIDE SPLASH.

- GOOD EYES, STATS.

BOUNCED RIGHT
OFF THE STEEPLE AND INTO THEM.

- I'M GONNA TAKE A QUICK LOOK.
FLATLINE.

[monitor flatlining]
SHE'S GONE.

- [gasps]

- OKAY, FOLKS.
CLEAR A PATH, PLEASE.

- SIR, WE'RE HERE TO HELP YOU.

MY GUT SAYS
TEMPORARY HEARING LOSS.

[camera snaps]

- SHOULD I BE
TAKING PICTURES?

- NO, YOU KNOW HOW MOST PEOPLE
SAY THEY AIN'T IN THIS JOB

FOR THE BLOOD AND THE GUTS?

VOODOO'S IN THIS JOB
FOR THE BLOOD AND THE GUTS.

SHE TAKES PICTURES
OF WEIRD SH--.

YOU SHOULD SEE
HER SEVERED LIMB SERIES.

BUT DON'T DO IT AFTER LUNCH.

- MY GOLD CHAIN IS MISSING.
I HAD A GOLD CHAIN.

OH, MAN, I CAN'T HEAR.
I'M DEAF.

I SHOULD HAVE NEVER
LET THAT BITCH GRAB MY HAND.

- IT'S A COMMON SIDE EFFECT
FROM LIGHTNING STRIKES, SIR.

- WHAT?
- IT'LL PASS, IT'S TEMPORARY.

LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.
AT LEAST YOU'RE ALIVE.

- I'M SUING HER, AND I'M SUING
THIS GODDAMN CHURCH!

AND I'M SUING YOUR MONKEY ASS.
I'M SUING HIM AND HIM.

- PLEASE CALM DOWN, SIR.
PLEASE CALM DOWN.

- YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM,
DO YOU?

- I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BABY.
YOU A FAT, UNGRATEFUL RIM JOB.

- WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
- UH-HUH.

- WHY WAS CASH CALLING YOU GUYS
MOUSSE AND DEUCE?

- OH, HE'S MOUSSE
BECAUSE CASH THINKS

HE USES TOO MUCH MOUSSE
IN HIS HAIR.

- IT'S A PASTE.
IT'S A CONDITIONING PASTE.

- AND I'M DEUCE
BECAUSE I'M THE SECOND BLACK GUY

TO WORK IN HIS UNIT.

- THIS DAMN GURNEY!
THIS SH--'S TOO SMALL, MAN.

- SU-- ON SATAN'S NUT SACK, SIR.
- WHAT?

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

- HE SAID,
FELCH A WET FART

FROM A RED MONKEY'S ASS.

[sirens blaring]

YOU COMFORTABLE, KING BITCHTITS?
- HUH?

- YOUR BREATH
SMELLS LIKE BALL SWEAT.

- SO VAL'S "VOODOO"
BECAUSE OF THE BLOOD AND GUTS.

- HER NAME
IS VALENTINA DUNACCI,

SO THERE'S
A LITTLE WORDPLAY TO IT.

- AND STATS HAS WHAT,
ASPERGER'S?

- OH, YEAH.

O.C.D., A.D.D., G.A.D.S.
ALL THE "D"s.

- SHE'S A GENIUS,

BUT JUST DON'T HAND HER
AN ODD NUMBER OF GRAPES.

THAT WAS A BAD DAY.

- I THOUGHT THERE WERE 12.

- SHOULD HAVE NEVER LET
THAT BITCH TOUCH MY HAND.

- WOULD YOU LIKE A HOT CUP
OF CUM BUBBLES, MR. DILDO?

- LITTLE CUM BUBBLE?

- YEAH. YEAH.
- OKAY.

[sirens blaring]

- BOY, I'D LOVE
TO HAVE A NICKNAME.

- CASH IS IN CHARGE
OF ALL NICKNAMES.

- HE'S CASH,
AS IN CASH MONEY?

- CASH AS IN
CASSIUS CLAY O'NEAL.

- YEAH, WHEN CASSIUS CLAY

CHANGED HIS NAME
TO MUHAMMAD ALI,

CASH BECAME CASSIUS CLAY.

- WHY?

- I ASKED HIM WHY ONCE.
YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID?

"BLOW ME, THAT'S WHY."

- THIS THING
DRIVES LIKE A DUMP TRUCK.

I'M SUING YOUR COMPANY TOO.
DON'T THINK YOU'RE SAFE.

YOUR MONKEY ASS AIN'T SAFE.

- SAY SOMETHING MEAN
TO HIM, BRI.

- I DON'T KNOW.
- COME ON, MAN.

HE'S A LOUD, MALODOROUS,
TWAT WAFFLE...

- [chuckles]

- ATTACHED TO THE ANUS
OF THE EARTH.

COME ON, HE DEAF
AS A DOORJAMB.

- I CAN'T. I CAN'T.
I CAN'T.

OKAY.
UH, HEY.

[clears throat]

I DON'T LIKE YOUR SHOES.

- HEY,
THESE ARE ITALIAN LEATHER.

WHAT YOUR MONKEY ASS
KNOW ABOUT SHOES?

- OH, NOT THE MAN'S SHOES.

- I TAKE IT BACK.
NO, I LIKE YOUR SHOES.

- BRAD PITT WORE THESE MOTHERS

IN OCEAN'S ELEVEN.

[funky music]

*

[static, sweeping frequencies]

[indistinct P.A. announcement]

- I JUST--I DON'T SEE
WHY A SWEET, CHARITABLE,

UNSELFISH SOUL
LIKE THAT LADY HAS TO DIE,

WHILE THAT JAG BAG,

TAINT-LICKING...
- DICK.

- DICK THAT WE HAVE
GETS TO LIVE.

IT REALLY THROWS MY FAITH IN GOD
FOR A LOOP.

- 'CAUSE YOU'RE LOOKING AT IT
THE WRONG WAY, SON.

GOD DELIVERED HER
INTO HIS KINGDOM

AND LEFT
THE OTHER ASSHOLE TRAPPED

IN AN EARTHLY PRISON
OF VANITY AND GREED.

IF YOU WERE IN HEAVEN,

WOULDN'T YOU WANT TO BE
SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE YOU LIKE?

- YES.
- AND GIANT 3-D PLASMA TVs.

- GOD SMITES THE GOOD
TO FULFILL THEIR WISHES

TO BE DELIVERED
UNTO HIM.

- I'M TOTALLY DOWN WITH BEING
DELIVERED UNTO HIM,

I JUST HOPE IT HAPPENS

WITH A BIG OLD PAIR
OF TITTIES IN MY FACE.

- BOY, YOU BETTER
START BANKING SOME KARMA,

OTHERWISE
YOU'RE GONNA BE STUCK

WITH THE ASSHOLES
FOR ETERNITY.

GIVE UNTO OTHERS,
THAT'S THE KEY.

- WHAT DO YOU DO, CASSIUS?
- FRESH AIR FUND.

EVERY SUMMER,
I TAKE A BUNCH OF CITY KIDS

OUT TO A CAMP ON THE LAKE.

TWO WEEKS OF PURE HEAVEN.

- YOU'RE A CAMP COUNSELOR?

- HELL, NO.
I GO FISHING.

DROP THEM KIDS OFF
AND SPEND TWO WEEKS ALONE.

KIDS GET FRESH AIR.
I GET FRESHWATER TROUT.

- I DO A LOT
OF VOLUNTEER WORK.

- OH, THAT'S VERY NICE, KEVIN.

- MY NAME'S BRIAN.

- YOU LOOK LIKE A KEVIN.

- WELL, I WOULD LOVE
TO HAVE A NICKNAME,

THEN YOU COULD
JUST CALL ME BY THAT.

- OKAY,
YOUR NICKNAME IS KEVIN.

YOU--
- LOOK, KID.

YOU LOOK LIKE A KEVIN.

I'M GOING TO BE
CALLING YOU KEVIN BY MISTAKE

HALF THE TIME...
- RIGHT.

- SO IT MAKES
MORE GODDAMN SENSE

TO NICKNAME YOU KEVIN
AND CALL YOU GODDAMN KEVIN.

- YEAH, IT'S JUST THAT,
YOU KNOW,

MY COUSIN'S NAME'S KEVIN,
SO IT COULD GET

A LITTLE CONFUSING,
SO MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST--

- GO GET MY SLEEPING MASK
OUT OF MY LOCKER,

TOP SHELF, KEVIN!
- OKAY.

- I TELL YOU SUCKERS ONE THING
I CAN PERSONALLY GUARANTEE.

YOU WANT SOME BAD KARMA?

TRY TAKING ONE OF MY TWIXES.

EXACTLY 13 CHILLY ONES LEFT.

- YOU GOT A CHARITY, VOO?

- I JUST TRY TO SEND OUT
A LOT OF POSITIVE VIBES

INTO THE WORLD
EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I'M DOING IT RIGHT NOW.

- YES, YOU ARE.

- THOSE ARE GOGGLES, ASSHOLE.

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME
YOU SAW SOMEBODY

TAKING A NAP UNDERWATER,
DENNIS?

- IT'S KEVIN.

- I DON'T BELIEVE
IN ANY OF THIS KARMA,

POSITIVE ENERGY BULLSH--.

- NO?
- NO.

I'M OLD SCHOOL,
OLD TESTAMENT OLD SCHOOL.

- WHICH MEANS
YOU BELIEVE IN WHAT?

- VENGEANCE.

PURE, UNADULTERATED,
BIBLICAL VENGEANCE.

- AN EYE FOR AN EYE?

- EYE FOR AN EYE'S
FOR PUSSIES.

YOU TAKE MY EYE,
I'M TAKING BOTH OF YOURS.

- THAT'S SOME HARD-CORE SH--.
- IT'S COMMON SENSE.

- WHAT DO YOU DO TO GIVE BACK?

- I WORK WITH THE BLIND.

HOW ABOUT YOU, STATS?
YOU DO ANY CHARITY WORK?

- FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN--

I WORK WITH SPECIAL NEEDS.
EIGHT.

- WHAT DO YOU TWO DO
TO GIVE BACK?

- I'M HELPING TO PROVIDE
CLEAN DRINKING WATER

TO THE IMPOVERISHED PEOPLE
OF MYSORE

IN THE KARNATAKA DISTRICT
OF INDIA.

- WOW.

- THAT'S A BUNCH OF BULLSH--.
- WHAT?

- HE LIKED THE BOURNE SUPREMACY
SO MUCH,

HE WENT ONLINE
AFTER HE WATCHED IT

AND DONATED 20 BUCKS
TO MATT DAMON'S WATER WEBSITE.

- YOU DID?
- YEAH.

I'M GONNA.

IT WAS TWO WEEKS
BEFORE CHRISTMAS.

I WAS STRAPPED FOR CASH.

THERESA'S GOT, LIKE,
NINE NIECES AND NEPHEWS.

BESIDES, WHAT DO YOU DO
TO GIVE BACK?

- MEALS ON WHEELS.
- DON'T SAY "MEALS ON WHEELS."

HIS EX, JEFF THE CHEF,

ASKED HIM TO HELP OUT
WITH MEALS ON WHEELS,

DO A LITTLE DRIVING.
GUESS WHAT, HE WAS TOO BUSY.

- IT WAS DURING THE PLAYOFFS.

IT IS NOT MY FAULT THE
BLACKHAWKS WON THE STANLEY CUP.

BESIDES, YOU DIDN'T
DO THE DOG RESCUE THING

THERESA ASKED YOU TO DO.
- I DROVE HER DOWN THERE.

- AND YOU COULDN'T DROP OFF
SOME FOOD

TO POOR PEOPLE
ON YOUR WAY BACK?

- WELL, EXCUSE ME,
SAINT FRANCIS OF ASSISI,

BUT SOME PEOPLE WORK
FOR A LIVING.

- YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHO THAT IS.

- RELAX,
I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU.

CITY'S BEEN AFTER ME
TO DONATE DUMMIES,

TEACH KIDS CPR.

YOU TWO AGREE TO TAKE OUT A RIG
ON YOUR DAY OFF,

I'LL LET THE PARKS DEPARTMENT
KNOW YOU'RE COMING.

LITTLE KIDS GET TO LEARN
HOW TO BE LIFESAVERS,

YOU GUYS GET TO LEARN
HOW TO BE CHARITABLE,

AND MY BOSS LOVES MY ASS.

THAT'S A GOOD KARMA
GRAND SLAM.

- OH, YEAH, WE CAN DO THAT.
- OH, DONE DEAL.

ABSOLUTELY.
- SOUNDS GREAT.

- HEY, WE GOT THIS.
- GOOD.

- HOW MANY KIDS SIGNED UP?
- PARK DIRECTOR SAID AROUND 15.

- OH, THIS IS SO COOL.

15 KIDS WHO WILL POTENTIALLY
BE ABLE TO SAVE A LIFE SOMEDAY.

I'M SO GLAD
WE'RE DOING THIS.

- MAN, WE REALLY GONNA
MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

WE SHOULD DO THIS,
LIKE, ONCE A MONTH.

- MM-HMM, MAYBE TWICE A MONTH.
- HELLO.

- JUST SAYING, YOU NEVER KNOW.
- HUH, WH--

WHAT?

- I'M JUST SO PROUD
OF YOU GUYS.

- THIS CAME FOR YOU, HANK.

SOME FANCY-LOOKING GUY
IN A TOWN CAR DROPPED IT OFF.

GUYS, KEEP A CLOSE WATCH
ON THESE DUMMIES.

THEY COST 800 BUCKS APIECE.

YOU'LL HAVE TO START
YOUR OWN CHARITY TO PAY ME BACK

IF A COUPLE OF THEM
GO SOUTH.

- WE'LL HAVE THEM BACK
SAFE AND SOUND

IN FIVE HOURS' TIME, BOSS.

[exhales]

WHAT?

- THE GUY WE SAVED YESTERDAY.

- YOU MEAN THE GUARANTEED
FIRST BALLOT MEMBER

OF THE DOUCHE BAG
HALL OF FAME?

- HE JUST SENT US TWO TICKETS
TO TODAY'S BEARS-PACKERS GAME.

- PEOPLE CHANGE.
- 50-YARD LINE.

VIP SUITE.
- [gasps]

THEY GOT GOAT CHEESE
UP THERE.

IT'S NOT DOUCHEY
IF IT'S FREE.

- THE GAME STARTS
AT NOON, THOUGH.

- [groans]
WHAT A BUMMER, GUYS.

CLASS ISN'T OVER
TILL AFTER THE GAME.

- I KNOW.

SO WHEN YOU'RE DONE
TEACHING THE CLASS,

BE SURE TO BRING
THE DUMMIES BACK HERE,

WASH THEM DOWN, POLISH THEM UP,
THERE'S THE KEYS. THANKS.

- WE'LL BRING YOU BACK
A JAY CUTLER T-SHIRT.

- MM-HMM.
- HEY, OKAY.

YOU WANT TO TALK
ABOUT BAD KARMA,

THIS IS GENUINELY
TERRIBLE KARMA.

WE ORGANIZED THIS EVENT
TO GIVE BACK TO THE COMMUNITY,

TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE,
TO INCREASE PUBLIC SAFETY,

AND SAVE LIVES.

AND NOW YOU'RE WILLING
TO PROSTITUTE IT

FOR PERSONAL GAIN?

THAT'S RIGHT.

I USED THE WORD "PROSTITUTE"
AS A VERB.

- HE'S RIGHT, JOHN.
THE KIDS.

- I KNOW.
THE KIDS, WE OWE THEM.

- WE MOST CERTAINLY DO.

- WHICH IS WHY WE'RE GONNA
HAUL ASS DOWN TO DOUGLAS PARK,

CUT THE CLASS
DOWN TO 15 MINUTES,

HAUL ASS BACK HERE,

WE'LL HAVE VIP PRETZELS
WITH GOAT CHEESE ON THEM

BY KICKOFF, BOY.
- WHAT? NO.

THIS IS SO WRONG, GUYS.
- WHAT'S SO WRONG ABOUT IT?

- I BEG YOUR PARDON.
I DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND.

- LOOK, IF, GOD FORBID, THEY
HAVE TO PERFORM CPR ON SOMEONE,

IT MEANS THAT SOMEONE
IS EITHER DEAD OR DYING,

SO THEY NEED TO DO IT FAST
ANYWAYS.

- WE'RE NOT TEACHING CPR,
WE'RE TEACHING SPEED-PR.

[mimics explosion]
- WAIT, SPEED--

OH, SPEED-PR!
THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?
- YES, ABSOLUTELY.

- I THINK
THIS IS VERY BAD KARMA.

- BEARS-PACKERS,
50-YARD LINE,

CHEESE FROM A GOAT.
- HMM.

- THIS IS NOT BAD KARMA,

IT'S A DIRECT MESSAGE
FROM THE SON OF GOD HIMSELF.

- MAYBE WE SHOULD BE
ASKING OURSELVES

THAT QUESTION, HMM?

WHAT WOULD JESUS DO
IN THIS PARTICULAR CIRCUMSTANCE?

- HE'D REHIRE DITKA AND PASS
AROUND A BOTTOMLESS JUG OF BEER.

LET'S GO.
- GIVE ME THE KEYS.

GET IN THE RIG.

- [sighs]

- OKAY, KIDS, LISTEN UP,
WE'RE GONNA BE TEACHING YOU

A NEW TYPE OF CPR
CALLED "SPEED-PR."

WE DON'T HAVE A LOT OF TIME,

SO WE'RE GONNA REALLY
ROLL THROUGH THIS, OKAY?

SO LET'S GET ROLLING.

YES, DEION.

- WHY DON'T WE HAVE ANY TIME?

- OH, WELL,
'CAUSE WHEN YOU DO SPEED-PR,

IT'S LIFE AND DEATH,
IT'S SCARY, AND IT'S FAST.

AND IT TAKES
A LOT OF SPLIT-SECOND DECIS--

UH, DEYONDRE?

- ISN'T THAT ALL THE MORE REASON
WE SHOULD TAKE OUR TIME

WHEN DEALING,
EVEN HYPOTHETICALLY,

WITH SUCH
A SERIOUS MEDICAL SITUATION?

- HOW OLD ARE YOU?
- HOW OLD ARE YOU?

- YES, DEVONDRE.
- WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

- I AM EMT JOHN FARRELL.

- YES, DESHONDRE.

- WHAT'S AN EMT?

- IT STANDS FOR
"EMERGENCY MEDICAL TECHNICIAN."

NOW I THINK THE FIRST--

UH, DEION.

- ARE YOU IN THE ARMY?

- YEAH,
IT'S A LOT LIKE THE ARMY,

EXCEPT WE'RE SAVING LIVES
RIGHT HERE IN CHICAGO.

SO LISTEN UP, GUY--
YES, DEVONDRE?

- ARE YOU A CAPTAIN?
- YEAH.

YEAH.
I'M A CAPTAIN, WHATEVER.

FIRST THINGS FIRST.

- WHY DO YOU GET TO BE
A CAPTAIN?

- WHAT?

- WHY DO YOU GET TO BE
A CAPTAIN?

- WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES IT MAKE?

- IT MAKES A HUGE DIFFERENCE
TO ME.

WE STARTED AT THE SAME TIME.
- OH!

- AND I'M A BLACK MAN
IN A POOR NEIGHBORHOOD,

STANDING IN FRONT OF A GROUP
OF PREDOMINANTLY BLACK--

I AM COLONEL HENRY ST. CLARE.

AND AS CAPTAIN FARRELL'S
COMMANDING OFFICER,

I THINK THE FIRST THING
WE SHOULD DO--

- WHY YOU DON'T
GOT NO EPILEP?

- WHY DON'T YOU HAVE
NO EPILEPS, SIR?

- WHAT THE HELL
IS AN EPILEP?

- MICHAEL JACKSON HAD EPILEPS
ON ALL HIS JACKETS.

WHY YOU DON'T?

- MICHAEL JACKSON DIED
FROM EPILEPS, HAD A SEIZURE.

- ACTUALLY, NO. HE--
- UH, WHO ARE YOU?

- WELL, "CLAREN-SAY"--

- UH, IT'S CLARENCE.

- CLARENCE, I AM A...

SERGEANT.

- [chuckles]
SERGEANT KEVIN.

- BRIAN.

- KEVIN BRIAN?

THAT'S THE WHITEST NAME
I EVER HEARD.

OH, AND MY NAME'S ASHLEY.

- WHY ARE
ALL THE DUMMIES WHITE?

- WHITE PEOPLE DIE TOO.
- NOT IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.

- OH, DESHONDRE,
WHY ARE YOU KISSING THE DUMMY?

- 'CAUSE I NEVER KISSED
A WHITE BOY BEFORE.

- AIN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO KISS
THE DEAD PERSON

AND BRING THEM BACK TO LIFE?
- SOMETIMES--

- WHY AIN'T THERE
NO GIRL DUMMIES?

- WHY THEY AIN'T GOT
NO TITTIES?

- OH.
- UH, WITH THE LANGUAGE.

- WHAT ARE YOU DRAWING
ON THAT, HUH?

- NIPPLES.
- NO!

NO, DON'T DRAW ON THE DUMMIES.
- DON'T DRAW NO NIPPLES.

COME ON, GUYS.
LISTEN UP, NOW, LISTEN UP.

- WHO DREW A PENIS
ON THIS ONE?

- CAN WE GO FOR A RIDE
IN THE AMBULANCE?

- YEAH, YEAH.
LOOK, NO NIPPLES, NO PENISES.

ALTHOUGH THIS IS VERY QUALITY
WORK, YOU'RE VERY TALENTED.

- WHY DIDN'T YOU SAVE
MICHAEL JACKSON?

- BECAUSE HE LIVES
IN CALIFORNIA.

- BUT YOU SAID
YOU WAS THE ARMY.

- ARMY CAN INVADE IRAQ,

BUT IT CAN'T SAVE A BLACK MAN
IN CALIFORNIA?

DAMN SHAME.
- YEAH, COLONEL.

WHY COULDN'T YOU SAVE
A BLACK MAN IN CALIFORNIA?

NO, HEY!
- HOLY SH--!

- YOU SAID THEY COULD
GO FOR A RIDE.

- OH, SH--.

I'M CALLING THERESA.
SHE'S IN LAWNDALE TODAY.

- LOOK, TELL HER TO KEEP IT
ON THE D.L., BECAUSE IF WE MAKE

AN OFFICIAL REPORT, WE GOTTA
GO DOWN THERE AND FILE AND--

SH--!

IF WE GET THE RIG BACK FAST,
WE CAN STILL MAKE THE GAME.

- IS TIGER WOODS
REALLY BLACK?

- NO.
- YES.

- GUYS, THIS IS
MY NEW PARTNER BILLY.

- I'M BILLY CEPEDA, Y'ALL.
- JOHNNY, HANK, BRIAN.

- WHAT HAPPENED TO DENZEL?

- [laughs] THEY CALL DANNY
"DENZEL WASHINGTON."

HE GOT TRANSFERRED
TO ANOTHER PRECINCT,

AND SO NOW I'M WORKING

WITH PUERTO RICAN MATT DILLON
LOOK-ALIKE OVER HERE.

- I DO NOT LOOK
LIKE MATT DILLON.

GUYS, DO I LOOK
LIKE MATT DILLON?

- NO.
- YES.

- GUYS, WE SHOULD REALLY
CALL THIS IN.

- NO! NO, NO, NO.
- NO!

IT'LL LEAD TO HOURS AND HOURS
OF PAPERWORK.

- LOOK, HEAD DOWN
WEST ROOSEVELT.

THEY'RE FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

THEY'RE PROBABLY
JUST ON A JOYRIDE.

- HOW DID THEY GET AWAY
WITH THE RIG ANYWAY?

- WE WERE LEADING A CPR CLASS
IN THE PARK--

- AND WHILE WE WERE FOCUSED
ON ACTUAL CPR TRAINING,

THEY GOT IN THE RIG
AND TOOK OFF.

- HOW DOES AN 11-YEAR-OLD
EVEN KNOW HOW TO DRIVE?

- I SAW A FIVE-YEAR-OLD MONKEY
DRIVING A LITTLE MOTORIZED CAR

ONE TIME ON YOUTUBE,
IN CHINA, MAN,

AND BEHIND HIM
WAS THIS BEAR ON A UNICYCLE.

BEAR LOOKED LIKE HE WAS,
LIKE, AT LEAST...

HE WAS PROBABLY,
LIKE, EIGHT, RIGHT?

SO THE MONKEY
CRASHES THE CAR,

AND THEN THE BEAR
GETS OFF THE UNICYCLE,

AND THEN THE BEAR
EATS THE MONKEY!

[laughs]

HEY, YOU GUYS HUNGRY?

- SO IS THIS CPR CLASS
A NEW THING?

- UH, YEAH, IT'S CHARITY.

WE'RE GIVING BACK
TO THE COMMUNITY.

- MM-HMM.

- THAT'S REALLY SWEET.
- YEAH.

- WHOSE IDEA WAS IT?
- IT WAS MINE.

- MINE.
- MAC'S.

- TOGETHER.
- MAC'S.

- TOGETHER WE CAME UP WITH IT.
- MAC'S IDEA.

- YOU KNOW, I WAS REFLECTING
ON ALL THAT GOOD WORK YOU DO

WITH THE HOMELESS DOGS,
AND IT REALLY SUNK IN.

- ABANDONED AND ABUSED DOGS.

- EXACTLY, ABANDONED
AND ABUSED AND NO HOMES,

AND IT IS TRAGIC.

I'M GOING TO, UM,
START DOING THAT WITH YOU AGAIN.

WHAT NIGHT OF THE WEEK
DO YOU DO THAT?

- MONDAY, WEDNESDAY, THURSDAY,
AND SUNDAY AFTERNOON.

- THAT'S A LOT OF DOGS.

- I'M DOING THAT WITH HER NOW.
- OH! YOU ARE?

- HE IS.
- YEAH, MAN, IT'S THE BEST.

IT'S SO...
[snaps]

OH, MY--WHAT'S THE WORD
I'M TRYING TO THINK OF?

- UH...
- COMFORTING?

- NO, THAT'S CLOSE.
STARTS WITH A "C," THOUGH.

- COURAGEOUS?
- ALL RIGHT.

- COOL.
IT IS SO COOL, YOU KNOW?

- SURE.

- I'M ACTUALLY WORKING
ON MY OWN CHARITY IDEA.

GET THIS,
REALLY GOOD SANDWICHES

THAT I WOULD DELIVER
TO POOR PEOPLE

AND, LIKE...
UH, CRIPPLES.

- THEY ALREADY HAVE THAT.
IT'S CALLED MEALS ON WHEELS.

- OH, DAMN.
THAT IS WAY BETTER THAN MY NAME.

- WHICH WAS?

- REALLY GOOD SANDWICHES
FOR POOR PEOPLE AND CRIPPLES.

- OKAY.
- DO YOU SEE THE RIG?

- * AMBULANCE, AMBULANCE,
AMBULANCE *

* WHERE, OH,
WHERE IS MY AMBULANCE? *

- ISN'T HE CUTE?
- OH, GOD.

JUST KEEP HEADING DOWN HERE.

IF WE HURRY UP
AND GET THIS THING BACK,

WE CAN STILL MAKE
THE SECOND HALF.

- SECOND HALF OF WHAT?
- OF THE CPR CLASS.

- YEAH, YEAH,
WE JUST TRYING TO, YOU KNOW,

TEACH THE KIDS A LESSON.

- YEAH, IT'S ALL ABOUT THE KIDS.
- I BET.

HANG ON, EVERYONE.
[siren blares]

- WHOA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- WE NEED TO FIND THE RIG.

- IT'LL TAKE TWO SECONDS.

TONY PEPPERONI.
HOMELESS VETERAN.

TERRIBLE DRINKING PROBLEM.
GIVE ME A HAND.

- WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.
- OH, COME ON.

- OH!

TONY PEPPERONI,
MORE LIKE TONY PISS-ARONI.

- HEY, THIS IS THE SMELL

OF HELPING SOMEONE
LESS WELL OFF.

THIS IS THE BOUQUET
OF BROTHERLY LOVE,

THE ESSENCE OF HUMANITY.

- I TOOK HUMANITY
IN COLLEGE.

- I THINK YOU MEAN
"HUMANITIES."

- NO, IT WAS JUST
THAT ONE CLASS, BRO.

- THERESA.
- HEY, TONY, HOW YOU DOING?

- I'M FINE.
IT'S THE WEEKEND.

- WE'RE GONNA GET YOU SOME HELP.
- OKAY.

- ALL RIGHT, GUYS.
HELP HIM UP.

- WHAT?

- GO ON.

- HEY, TONY.
HOW YOU FEELING?

- TONY, I WANT YOU
TO EAT SOMETHING.

all: WHOA.

- SO WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PART
OF THE JOB SO FAR, BILLY?

- MY FAVORITE PART
OF THE JOB?

UM, I GOTTA THINK ABOUT IT.

I WOULD PROBABLY HAVE
TO GO WITH THE BULLETS.

THEY'RE PRETTY AWESOME, MAN.

AND THEY'RE REALLY,
REALLY SHINY.

HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU.
- OH, YOU DON'T--

- HERE, CHECK THIS OUT.
- THE RIG, THE RIG!

THE RIG, THE RIG, THE RIG!
[overlapping chatter]

[sirens blaring]

[sniffing]

- YOU DECIDED TO COME, TONY.

- IS THAT A PROBLEM?
- NOPE.

- HEY, CAN I TELL THEM
TO PULL OVER?

- YES.
- [clears throat]

PULL OVER!
IT'S THE POLICE!

- HEY, WE SPOKE
ABOUT THIS, BILLY.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL
INTO THE LOUDSPEAKER.

- I KNOW.
I'M SORRY, T.

DO YOU WANT ME
TO SHOOT OUT THE TIRES?

all: NO!
- WE NEED THE TIRES.

- DO NOT SHOOT THE TIRES OUT,
BILLY.

- OKAY.

- SO YOU WERE
IN VIETNAM, HUH?

- VIETNAM?

HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM,
BITCH?

I WAS IN THE GULF WAR.

NOT THE FIRST ONE,
THE SECOND ONE.

THE GOOD ONE!
HOW OLD DO I LOOK TO YOU?

- OLD ENOUGH TO BATHE
ONCE A WEEK.

- I DON'T SMELL THAT BAD.
THERESA?

DO I SMELL BAD
TO YOU, THERESA?

- NO.
NOT AT ALL.

- KIDS STEALING AMBULANCES,

KILLING EACH OTHER
IN THE STREETS.

WHAT'S HAPPENING
TO THIS COUNTRY?

WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE OLD CHICAGO, MAN?

THIS IS WHAT I FOUGHT FOR?

- WHERE ARE THESE ASSHOLES
HEADED?

- IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE HEADED
FOR THE HOSPITAL.

- WHY THE HELL
WOULD THEY BE GOING THERE?

- ALL RIGHT.
HOLD ON, EVERYONE.

[all shout]

- [coughs, gags]

- OH, MY GOD.

- I GUESS I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD
THAT SECOND BOTTLE OF WINE.

- [groans]

[sirens wailing]

- [coughing, gagging]
- COME ON!

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT RUNNING.

- WE GOT TO HURRY,
CAPTAIN FARRELL.

THERE'S A PATIENT IN THE BACK.
- WHAT?

- I'M SORRY, COLONEL HANK.

WE WAS JUST GONNA
GO FOR A RIDE, AS A JOKE,

BUT THEN WE SAW THIS DUDE
COLLAPSE IN THE STREET.

- LET'S GET YOU INSIDE.
COME ON, BUDDY.

- SO THAT CPR CLASS
YOU DID TODAY...

ACTUALLY TURNED YOU
INTO HEROES.

- HELL NO.

THESE TWO WAS PREACHING
SOME SPEED-PR BULLSH--.

COULDN'T UNDERSTAND
ANY OF IT.

WE LEARNED CPR
AT A CAMP LAST SUMMER

FROM THIS BIG GUY
NAMED CASSIUS CLAY.

- YO! THESE ARE PRIME SEATS,
VIP, FOR THE BEARS-PACKERS GAME.

YO, MAN.
Y'ALL BETTER HURRY UP.

YOU'RE ABOUT TO MISS KICKOFF.

- ARE WE GONNA GO TO JAIL?

- YES.
- NO.

YOU GUYS ARE GOING
TO A BEARS GAME.

GET IN THE CRUISER,
I'LL GIVE YOU A RIDE.

TONY.

YOU RIDE WITH CAPTAIN JOHN
AND THE COLONEL OVER HERE.

[laughs]

SPEED-PR.

HA!

KARMA CAN BE SUCH A BITCH.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES
SHE GIVES YOU A HAND,

AND THEN SOMETIMES SHE PISSES
RIGHT DOWN YOUR LEG.

GOD.

- [laughing]
PISSING...

- [sighs]
GET IN THE CAR, SWEETIE.

- RIGHT.

- GET IN THE RIG.

- [chuckling]

MAC IS NOT GONNA LIKE THIS.

I HOPE YOU FELLAS LEARNED
A VALUABLE LESSON TODAY.

YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW,
MY FRIENDS.

YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW.

- WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?

- FRIDGE AT THE DEPOT.
- MM.

- BIG BAG OF 'EM IN THERE.

WHAT?
- MM-MM.

- MMM.

THESE ARE WAY BETTER COLD.

MMM, THIS IS ICE-COLD.