All language subtitles for Sirens.2014.S01E01.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.x264-RCVR_track3_eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,381 --> 00:00:03,496 - YOU KNOW WHO I GOT A THING FOR? 2 00:00:03,520 --> 00:00:04,935 THE NEW ANCHOR ON ACTION NEWS. 3 00:00:04,970 --> 00:00:06,765 - OH, LITTLE BLONDE GIRL. SHE'S CUTE. 4 00:00:06,799 --> 00:00:08,432 - YEAH, PLUS I GET AN IDEA THAT SHE'D BE NICE BEHIND THE SCENES. 5 00:00:08,456 --> 00:00:09,778 LIKE, THE CREW WOULD LOVE HER. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 6 00:00:09,802 --> 00:00:11,252 - DO YOU KNOW WHO I GOT A THING FOR? 7 00:00:11,287 --> 00:00:13,254 - WHO? - THE NEW SPORTS GUY ON WGN. 8 00:00:13,289 --> 00:00:16,706 - THAT GUY? I DON'T THINK HE'S GAY, DUDE. 9 00:00:16,740 --> 00:00:19,088 - OH, HE'S GAY. 10 00:00:19,122 --> 00:00:20,606 - HOW DO YOU KNOW? - HE KNOWS. 11 00:00:20,641 --> 00:00:22,263 HE'S THE DICK WHISPERER. 12 00:00:22,298 --> 00:00:23,540 YES, I AM. 13 00:00:23,575 --> 00:00:25,232 BESIDES, I SLEPT WITH HIM LAST WEEK. 14 00:00:25,266 --> 00:00:27,027 - SHUT UP! 15 00:00:27,061 --> 00:00:28,349 - ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO. I NEED YOU TO GO DOWN TO HEADQUARTERS. 16 00:00:28,373 --> 00:00:29,960 YOU GOT A NEW GUY COMING ON THE RIG. 17 00:00:29,995 --> 00:00:31,203 - AND YOU BEST BE ON TIME. 18 00:00:31,238 --> 00:00:33,171 I HEAR HE'S AN EX-NAVY SEAL. 19 00:00:33,205 --> 00:00:34,689 - NO. - OH, NO, COME ON. 20 00:00:34,724 --> 00:00:36,381 - THIS GUY'S GONNA BE A PAIN IN THE ASS. 21 00:00:36,415 --> 00:00:37,427 - WE NEED A LITTLE DISCIPLINE AROUND HERE. 22 00:00:37,451 --> 00:00:39,453 - STEP UP YOUR GAME A LITTLE BIT. 23 00:00:39,487 --> 00:00:40,775 - OH, MAN, MY GAME IS GREAT. I WAS ALREADY IN THE MILITARY. 24 00:00:40,799 --> 00:00:42,559 - YEAH, WELL, WHATEVER. THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY. 25 00:00:42,594 --> 00:00:44,399 - TEACH YOU SOMETHING. WE NEED A LITTLE DISCIPLINE AROUND HERE. 26 00:00:44,423 --> 00:00:46,425 - IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE CALLING IT THESE DAYS? 27 00:00:46,460 --> 00:00:49,394 - YOU GUYS WANT A TOOTSIE ROLL, EH? 28 00:00:49,428 --> 00:00:53,536 OH, TOOTSIE ROLL, TOOTSIE ROLL. YOU ARE DELICIOUS AND TIMELESS. 29 00:00:53,570 --> 00:00:55,617 - I THOUGHT I HEARD THAT YOU WERE WITH THE NAVY SEALS. 30 00:00:55,641 --> 00:00:58,299 - NAVY? NO, NO. EASTER SEALS. 31 00:00:58,334 --> 00:01:00,922 I VOLUNTEERED. THIS IS SO COOL. 32 00:01:00,957 --> 00:01:03,615 FIRST DAY ON THE JOB. DO YOU GUYS FACEBOOK? 33 00:01:03,649 --> 00:01:06,445 - NO. NO, I DON'T FACEBOOK. I DON'T DO REGULAR BOOKS. 34 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:07,733 I EAT, AND I SLEEP, AND I SAVE LIVES. 35 00:01:07,757 --> 00:01:09,897 - HE'S A VERY COMPLICATED MAN. 36 00:01:09,931 --> 00:01:11,485 - HEY, I CONTROL TECHNOLOGY. 37 00:01:11,519 --> 00:01:13,107 I DON'T LET TECHNOLOGY CONTROL ME. 38 00:01:13,142 --> 00:01:15,144 - OH, THAT MEANS THAT HE CAN ACCESS ONLINE PORN 39 00:01:15,178 --> 00:01:16,328 FROM HIS PHONE WHILE HE'S DRIVING. 40 00:01:16,352 --> 00:01:17,663 - YEAH, THERE'S GOTTA BE 41 00:01:17,698 --> 00:01:19,734 SOME KIND OF FANCY NAME FOR THAT, RIGHT? 42 00:01:19,769 --> 00:01:21,091 - LAST TIME I CHECKED, IT WAS STILL CALLED "JERKING OFF." 43 00:01:21,115 --> 00:01:22,748 - CHICAGO NORTH 115, REPORT OF POSSIBLE HEART ATTACK, 44 00:01:22,772 --> 00:01:24,463 CORNER OF LINCOLN, JEFFERSON. 45 00:01:24,498 --> 00:01:26,165 - AMBULANCE 14 RESPONDING. - HERE, HOLD THAT. 46 00:01:26,189 --> 00:01:27,615 HANG ON, EASTER SEAL. I KNOW A SHORTCUT. 47 00:01:27,639 --> 00:01:28,778 OOH. 48 00:01:30,331 --> 00:01:31,643 - LOOK OUT, TOW TRUCK, TOW TRUCK! 49 00:01:33,196 --> 00:01:34,956 WOW. 50 00:01:34,991 --> 00:01:36,865 - HERE, GIVE ME THE COFFEE. MIGHT WANT TO SAY A ROSARY TOO. 51 00:01:36,889 --> 00:01:38,660 - THIS COMING FROM THE GUY WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE IN GOD. 52 00:01:38,684 --> 00:01:40,110 - I DIDN'T SAY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD. 53 00:01:40,134 --> 00:01:41,929 I SAID I BELIEVE THAT MICHAEL JORDAN IS GOD. 54 00:01:41,963 --> 00:01:43,493 - OH, THEN WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING A SCOTTIE PIPPIN MEDAL 55 00:01:43,517 --> 00:01:44,873 AROUND YOUR NECK INSTEAD OF ST. JUDE? 56 00:01:44,897 --> 00:01:46,457 - RIGHT. WHO'S COMPLICATED NOW, ASSHOLE? 57 00:01:47,314 --> 00:01:48,936 - VICTIM APPEARS NOT TO BE BREATHING. 58 00:01:48,970 --> 00:01:50,500 - LIKE YOU DON'T DOWNLOAD PORN TO YOUR PHONE. 59 00:01:50,524 --> 00:01:52,260 - OH, I TRY TO KEEP MY PHONE AWAY FROM MY DICK. 60 00:01:52,284 --> 00:01:53,484 HE ALWAYS WANTS TO CALL MY EX. 61 00:02:01,569 --> 00:02:02,363 - HE JUST FELL DOWN LIKE HE WAS HAVING A HEART ATTACK! 62 00:02:02,398 --> 00:02:03,709 - IS HE CONSCIOUS? 63 00:02:03,744 --> 00:02:05,504 - NO. HE HIT HIS HEAD WHEN HE FELL. 64 00:02:05,539 --> 00:02:07,137 - UH-HUH. MAKE A HOLE! LET'S MOVE, MOVE, MOVE. 65 00:02:07,161 --> 00:02:08,207 GIVE HIM SOME SPACE. - HE'S BEEN MAKING WEIRD NOISES. 66 00:02:08,231 --> 00:02:09,612 - HOW YOU DOING, BUDDY? 67 00:02:09,646 --> 00:02:11,200 BUDDY, YOU AWAKE? 68 00:02:11,234 --> 00:02:12,511 FIRE UP THE TOASTER, BRIAN. 69 00:02:12,546 --> 00:02:14,203 YEAH, HE DOESN'T HAVE A PULSE. 70 00:02:14,237 --> 00:02:17,206 - HEY. FULL CHARGE. 71 00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:18,207 HERE, BRIAN. - HERE. 72 00:02:18,241 --> 00:02:20,381 - OKAY. 73 00:02:20,416 --> 00:02:23,177 - BRIAN. I NEED THE PADS. 74 00:02:23,212 --> 00:02:25,283 - HERE. - COME ON, GOD DAMN... 75 00:02:25,317 --> 00:02:29,218 - OKAY. 76 00:02:29,252 --> 00:02:32,807 BRIAN? 77 00:02:32,842 --> 00:02:34,740 WE'RE WAITING ON YOU, BRI. 78 00:02:34,775 --> 00:02:35,845 - OKAY. 79 00:02:35,879 --> 00:02:37,674 - CLEAR. - KILL THE TOASTER. 80 00:02:37,709 --> 00:02:40,332 - JOHN? - JUST GIVE ME A SECOND, BUDDY. 81 00:02:46,614 --> 00:02:50,273 COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON. 82 00:02:51,964 --> 00:02:54,312 OH! 83 00:02:54,346 --> 00:02:55,727 - OOH. - HEY. 84 00:02:57,763 --> 00:03:00,559 HOLY SH... 85 00:03:00,594 --> 00:03:02,078 HOW YOU DOING? 86 00:03:02,112 --> 00:03:04,322 - HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT THAT WAS A FOOD ALLERGY? 87 00:03:04,356 --> 00:03:06,703 - GO. GO. - OH. 88 00:03:06,738 --> 00:03:10,569 UH, WELL, THE... THE SWELLING IN THE LIPS. 89 00:03:10,604 --> 00:03:12,882 AND HE HAD THIS RASH. 90 00:03:12,916 --> 00:03:14,504 MY DAD HAD FOOD ALLERGIES. 91 00:03:14,539 --> 00:03:16,782 HE WAS ALLERGIC TO SHELLFISH AND PEANUTS 92 00:03:16,817 --> 00:03:19,026 AND MARRIAGE, APPARENTLY. 93 00:03:19,060 --> 00:03:20,348 - OH, THIS IS MY NEW PARTNER, DANNY. 94 00:03:20,372 --> 00:03:22,236 - HOW YOU DOING? - GOOD. HOW YOU DOING? 95 00:03:22,271 --> 00:03:23,582 THIS IS OUR NEW GUY. BRIAN. 96 00:03:23,617 --> 00:03:24,583 - HEY. HOW'S IT HANGING, BRI? 97 00:03:24,618 --> 00:03:26,896 - IT'S, UH... 98 00:03:26,930 --> 00:03:28,794 - AH! - GOOD. 99 00:03:28,829 --> 00:03:32,281 - LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S TELLING YOU ABOUT ME, BUT... 100 00:03:32,315 --> 00:03:34,766 - NOT A LOT. - REALLY? 101 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:36,285 - GREAT EMT. 102 00:03:36,319 --> 00:03:37,710 - SHE REALLY HASN'T SAID ANYTHING... 103 00:03:37,734 --> 00:03:40,220 NOTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT ME AT ALL? COME ON. 104 00:03:40,254 --> 00:03:41,911 - SHE MENTIONED THE CAR CRASH LAST WEEK, 105 00:03:41,945 --> 00:03:43,153 WHERE YOU RESCUED THE DRIVER 106 00:03:43,188 --> 00:03:43,982 JUST SECONDS BEFORE THE CAR EXPLODED. 107 00:03:44,016 --> 00:03:45,570 - WHICH WAS AMAZING. 108 00:03:45,604 --> 00:03:47,157 AND WHAT'S EVEN MORE AMAZING IS THAT 109 00:03:47,192 --> 00:03:49,470 HE CAN INSTANTANEOUSLY DIVE INTO A BURNING WRECK 110 00:03:49,505 --> 00:03:51,265 TO SAVE THE LIFE OF A COMPLETE STRANGER. 111 00:03:51,300 --> 00:03:53,060 BUT WHEN IT COMES TO MOVING IN 112 00:03:53,094 --> 00:03:55,407 WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND OF THREE YEARS, HE REMAINS UNDECIDED. 113 00:03:55,442 --> 00:03:57,098 WE'RE ON A BREAK. 114 00:03:58,859 --> 00:04:00,999 - UH, WELL, WE NEED A STATEMENT FROM SECURITY. 115 00:04:01,033 --> 00:04:02,483 - NICE MEETING YOU, JOHNNY. 116 00:04:02,518 --> 00:04:04,416 - YOU TOO, DONNY. 117 00:04:04,451 --> 00:04:05,831 - DANNY. 118 00:04:05,866 --> 00:04:08,765 - SO, UH... 119 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:10,077 HI. - HI. 120 00:04:12,700 --> 00:04:15,979 - YOUR VEST LOOKS NICE TODAY. 121 00:04:16,014 --> 00:04:18,016 - OH, YEAH, THANK YOU. 122 00:04:20,984 --> 00:04:24,298 - SO ARE YOU, UH, DOING OKAY? 123 00:04:24,333 --> 00:04:27,025 - I'M... YEAH, I'M GOOD. - GOOD. 124 00:04:27,059 --> 00:04:29,165 - YOU? 125 00:04:29,199 --> 00:04:32,686 - WHAT IF I WAS TO SAY... NO? 126 00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:34,998 NO. 127 00:04:37,829 --> 00:04:39,013 - PLEASE TELL ME I'M NOT AN IDIOT. 128 00:04:39,037 --> 00:04:40,832 - YOU'RE NOT AN IDIOT. 129 00:04:43,869 --> 00:04:51,869 ♪ 130 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:06,029 - SHE... SHE WOULDN'T HAVE SAID ALL THAT STUFF 131 00:05:06,064 --> 00:05:07,686 ABOUT ME TO WHAT'S-HIS-FACE 132 00:05:07,721 --> 00:05:09,895 IF SHE DIDN'T STILL CARE ABOUT ME, OBVIOUSLY. 133 00:05:09,930 --> 00:05:11,311 - ALTERNATIVE THEORY. 134 00:05:11,345 --> 00:05:12,829 IT'S PART OF HER SECRET EVIL PLAN 135 00:05:12,864 --> 00:05:14,220 TO GET IN HER NEW PARTNER DENZEL'S PANTS. 136 00:05:14,244 --> 00:05:16,074 - UH, DANNY. PRETTY SURE IT WAS DANNY. 137 00:05:16,108 --> 00:05:17,627 - OH, DENZEL TO ME. 138 00:05:17,662 --> 00:05:19,215 HOT, MO' BETTER BLUESDENZEL, 139 00:05:19,249 --> 00:05:20,803 WITH JUST A TOUCH OF TERRENCE HOWARD. 140 00:05:20,837 --> 00:05:22,805 - YOU REALLY THINK HE LOOKED LIKE DENZEL? 141 00:05:22,839 --> 00:05:24,714 - DEVIL IN A BLUE DRESS, DEAD RINGER, BRO. BANDAGES. 142 00:05:24,738 --> 00:05:26,878 WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SIR? - PETE. 143 00:05:26,912 --> 00:05:28,328 - OKAY, PETE. YOU'RE DOING GREAT. 144 00:05:28,362 --> 00:05:29,329 WE'RE GONNA PATCH YOU UP REAL GOOD NOW. 145 00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:30,571 I GOT YOUR CELL PHONE HERE. 146 00:05:30,606 --> 00:05:32,031 WHO DO YOU CALL IN CASE OF EMERGENCY? 147 00:05:32,055 --> 00:05:34,472 - MY BROTHER. HE'S LISTED UNDER I.C.E. 148 00:05:34,506 --> 00:05:37,233 - "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY." NICELY DONE, PETE. 149 00:05:37,267 --> 00:05:38,579 SAFETY GOLD STAR FOR YOU. 150 00:05:38,614 --> 00:05:40,098 - I DON'T THINK HE LOOKED LIKE DENZEL. 151 00:05:40,132 --> 00:05:41,893 I THINK HE LOOKED LIKE DENNIS RODMAN, MAYBE. 152 00:05:41,927 --> 00:05:43,180 - THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE LOOKING AT HIM THROUGH 153 00:05:43,204 --> 00:05:44,896 ANGRY EX-BOYFRIEND COCK GOGGLES. 154 00:05:44,930 --> 00:05:46,252 TAKE IT FROM ME AS YOUR BEST FRIEND 155 00:05:46,276 --> 00:05:47,726 WHO'S LOOKING AT HIM THROUGH SINGLE, 156 00:05:47,761 --> 00:05:49,728 HE'S HOT. 157 00:05:49,763 --> 00:05:51,385 DENZEL-BANGING-HOLLYWOOD-BITCHES HOT. 158 00:05:51,420 --> 00:05:52,904 I'M GAY, BY THE WAY. 159 00:05:52,938 --> 00:05:54,181 - OH. 160 00:05:54,215 --> 00:05:54,906 - YOU SEEM SURPRISED. 161 00:05:54,940 --> 00:05:56,908 NO. 162 00:05:56,942 --> 00:05:58,496 YES. 163 00:05:58,530 --> 00:06:00,877 THERESA'S STILL YOUR I.C.E., ISN'T SHE? 164 00:06:00,912 --> 00:06:02,638 STUPID GODDAMN QUESTION. 165 00:06:02,672 --> 00:06:04,881 - YOU KNOW WHO I THINK IS A GOOD-LOOKING GUY? 166 00:06:04,916 --> 00:06:05,986 TIM TEBOW. 167 00:06:06,020 --> 00:06:08,540 PLUS HE SEEMS SO NICE. 168 00:06:08,575 --> 00:06:09,990 - WHO'S YOUR I.C.E., BRIAN? 169 00:06:10,024 --> 00:06:12,648 - MY MOM. - YOUR MOM? 170 00:06:12,682 --> 00:06:14,270 - WELL, SHE LIVES RIGHT UPSTAIRS. 171 00:06:14,304 --> 00:06:15,489 - YOU STILL LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS? 172 00:06:15,513 --> 00:06:16,859 NO. 173 00:06:16,893 --> 00:06:19,171 NAH, THEY LIVE UPSTAIRS, I LIVE DOWNSTAIRS. 174 00:06:19,206 --> 00:06:20,656 IT'S A WHOLE SEPARATE FLOOR. 175 00:06:20,690 --> 00:06:23,175 - YOU GOT A GIRLFRIEND? - I HAD ONE. 176 00:06:23,210 --> 00:06:24,867 WE JUST BROKE UP. SHE, UH... 177 00:06:24,901 --> 00:06:26,765 SHE GOT TOO CLINGY. 178 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:30,942 - YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S TOO CLINGY, TIM TEBOW IS HANDSOME, 179 00:06:30,976 --> 00:06:32,771 YOU SPORT... LET ME GUESS... 180 00:06:32,806 --> 00:06:33,531 SOMETHING FROM THE CALVIN KLEIN FAMILY OF COLOGNES? 181 00:06:33,565 --> 00:06:35,740 - RAMPAGE. 182 00:06:35,774 --> 00:06:37,200 - I GOT A BETTER SHOT OF GETTING SOME PUSSY TONIGHT THAN YOU, 183 00:06:37,224 --> 00:06:39,019 AND ALL I'M THINKING ABOUT IS DENZEL'S LIPS. 184 00:06:39,053 --> 00:06:40,020 - AH, CAN WE STOP CALLING HIM DENZEL? 185 00:06:40,054 --> 00:06:41,366 - I THOUGHT HE LOOKED LIKE 186 00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:44,714 A YOUNG, MORE MUSCLEY HARRY BELAFONTE. 187 00:06:44,749 --> 00:06:46,278 - HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO HARRY BELAFONTE IS? 188 00:06:46,302 --> 00:06:48,891 - 'CAUSE HE'S WATCHING TV WITH HIS PARENTS. 189 00:06:57,831 --> 00:07:00,937 - YOU REALLY THINK HE LOOKED LIKE DENZEL? 190 00:07:00,972 --> 00:07:02,629 - BRIAN, GET US SOME GATORADES. 191 00:07:02,663 --> 00:07:04,054 - GATORADE PRIME, GATORADE PERFORMANCE, 192 00:07:04,078 --> 00:07:06,046 OR GATORADE RECOVER? 193 00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:06,909 - LET'S GO WITH YELLOW. 194 00:07:06,943 --> 00:07:09,118 - I LIKE YELLOW. 195 00:07:09,152 --> 00:07:10,568 - 'KAY. 196 00:07:10,602 --> 00:07:12,604 I KNOW, I KNOW. 197 00:07:12,639 --> 00:07:14,434 YOU KNOW, DON'T JUDGE ME. 198 00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:16,584 DO YOU REMEMBER HOW LONG IT TOOK YOU TO GET OVER JEFF THE CHEF? 199 00:07:16,608 --> 00:07:18,748 - TWO DAYS AND A WEEKEND TRIP TO MIAMI. 200 00:07:18,783 --> 00:07:20,899 - WHICH, IN GAY MAN'S TIME, IS LIKE SIX GODDAMN MONTHS. 201 00:07:20,923 --> 00:07:23,615 - SO NOT COOL, BRO. TRUE, BUT NOT COOL. 202 00:07:23,650 --> 00:07:26,722 - IT'S JUST... SHE WAS MY EVERYTHING. 203 00:07:26,756 --> 00:07:28,551 AND YEAH, SHE'S STILL MY I.C.E. 204 00:07:28,586 --> 00:07:29,794 - WHICH IS RIDICULOUS. 205 00:07:29,828 --> 00:07:31,554 I CHUCKED JEFF THE CHEF AS MY I.C.E. 206 00:07:31,589 --> 00:07:33,763 A WEEK BEFORE I KICKED HIS PRETTY ASS OUT. 207 00:07:33,798 --> 00:07:35,834 - WHO'S YOUR I.C.E. NOW? - I HAVEN'T DECIDED. 208 00:07:35,869 --> 00:07:37,767 - YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO IS WE SHOULD FORGET 209 00:07:37,802 --> 00:07:39,469 ABOUT THESE GIRLFRIENDS AND THESE BOYFRIENDS, 210 00:07:39,493 --> 00:07:40,815 AND WE SHOULD BE EACH OTHER'S I.C.E. 211 00:07:40,839 --> 00:07:42,254 THAT'S FUNNY. 212 00:07:42,289 --> 00:07:43,117 - WHAT? I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? 213 00:07:43,152 --> 00:07:44,981 - OH, LISTEN, LOOK. 214 00:07:45,016 --> 00:07:46,856 I WANT THE PERSON I CALL IN A LIFE-AND-DEATH SITUATION 215 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:48,433 TO BE SOMEONE SPECIAL. 216 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:51,091 NOT JEFF THE CHEF, WHO CHEATED ON ME WITH A BUSBOY. 217 00:07:51,125 --> 00:07:52,920 SOMEONE HONEST AND TRUE. 218 00:07:52,955 --> 00:07:55,647 SOMEONE WHO IS GOING TO SIT THERE AND TAKE MY HAND, 219 00:07:55,682 --> 00:07:57,960 LEAD ME THROUGH TO THE OTHER SIDE 220 00:07:57,994 --> 00:08:00,928 BY LEANING DOWN AND WHISPERING INTO MY EAR, 221 00:08:00,963 --> 00:08:04,276 TELLING ME HOW MUCH THEY FEEL AND CARE ABOUT ME. 222 00:08:04,311 --> 00:08:06,934 WHEN I LEAVE THIS EARTH, 223 00:08:06,969 --> 00:08:10,144 I WANT TO FEEL HIS LOVING LIPS BRUSHING UP AGAINST MY CHEEK, 224 00:08:10,179 --> 00:08:12,146 SAYING EVER SO SOFTLY, 225 00:08:12,181 --> 00:08:15,287 "I LOVE YOU, HENRY. 226 00:08:15,322 --> 00:08:19,015 AND I SHALL CONTINUE TO LOVE YOU, ALWAYS AND FOREVER." 227 00:08:22,260 --> 00:08:25,953 - WAS IT THAT PUERTO RICAN BUSBOY WITH THE DREADLOCKS? 228 00:08:25,988 --> 00:08:28,300 - I HATE YOU. - YOU LOVE ME. 229 00:08:28,335 --> 00:08:31,545 - THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL, HANK. 230 00:08:31,580 --> 00:08:36,895 REALLY, REALLY TOUCHING STUFF. 231 00:08:36,930 --> 00:08:41,417 THEY ONLY HAD PURPLE. 232 00:08:41,451 --> 00:08:43,868 - DO YOU WANT TO TELL HIM? - WE'RE MEN, BRI. WE DON'T CRY. 233 00:08:43,902 --> 00:08:46,146 FIRSTBORN KID, 234 00:08:46,180 --> 00:08:47,641 THE END OF FIELD OF DREAMS, AND THE DAY MIKE DITKA DIES. 235 00:08:47,665 --> 00:08:49,425 - IF THAT EVER HAPPENS, GOD FORBID. 236 00:08:49,459 --> 00:08:50,575 - IT'S OKAY TO GET MISTY, RIGHT? 237 00:08:50,599 --> 00:08:52,359 - NO. - NO. 238 00:08:52,393 --> 00:08:54,982 - YOU CAN GET MISTY IF DITKA'S WIFE DIES BEFORE HE DOES 239 00:08:55,017 --> 00:08:57,813 AND YOU SEE HIM TALKING ABOUT HER ON ESPN. 240 00:08:57,847 --> 00:09:00,229 OTHERWISE, "MISTY" 241 00:09:00,263 --> 00:09:03,577 SOUNDS REALLY, REALLY GAY. 242 00:09:03,612 --> 00:09:06,856 - NOW, WHO IS DITKA? 243 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,586 - HOW'S THE FIRST DAY, BRIAN? LEARNING ANYTHING? 244 00:09:12,621 --> 00:09:13,736 - I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I LEARNED. 245 00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:16,107 HE'S NOT A NAVY SEAL, AND... 246 00:09:16,141 --> 00:09:17,349 HE LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS. 247 00:09:17,384 --> 00:09:19,869 - OH, REALLY? - HEY. 248 00:09:19,904 --> 00:09:22,423 SEPARATE FLOOR, SEPARATE MAILBOX, GUYS. 249 00:09:22,458 --> 00:09:24,840 TOTALLY DIFFERENT SITUATION. - MM-HMM. 250 00:09:24,874 --> 00:09:27,359 - AMBULANCE NEEDED. 742 EAST DIVERSEY. 251 00:09:27,394 --> 00:09:28,716 - HEY, BRI, YOU WANT TO RUN POINT ON THIS CALL? 252 00:09:28,740 --> 00:09:30,604 - YOU THINK I'M READY? - WHY NOT? 253 00:09:30,639 --> 00:09:32,951 YOU'RE BRAVE ENOUGH TO BEAT OFF IN YOUR PARENTS' BASEMENT. 254 00:09:38,923 --> 00:09:40,476 - FIRST TIME OUT, GUYS RARELY BEGIN 255 00:09:40,510 --> 00:09:42,109 BY STICKING AN ENTIRE SODA BOTTLE UP THEIR ASS. 256 00:09:42,133 --> 00:09:43,489 - YEAH, USUALLY GUYS START WITH SOMETHING SMALLER. 257 00:09:43,513 --> 00:09:44,939 YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY ZUCCHINI OR CARROTS? 258 00:09:44,963 --> 00:09:47,069 - I HAVE BOTH, ACTUALLY, IT'S JUST... 259 00:09:47,103 --> 00:09:48,311 - IT'S JUST WHAT? 260 00:09:48,346 --> 00:09:50,037 - I WAS PLANNING ON MAKING SOME SOUP. 261 00:09:50,072 --> 00:09:51,970 Both: OH. 262 00:09:52,005 --> 00:09:53,075 - UH, BRIAN. 263 00:09:53,109 --> 00:09:54,076 EXAMINE THE INJURY. 264 00:09:54,110 --> 00:09:55,491 - WHAT? 265 00:09:55,525 --> 00:09:57,217 - YOU WANTED TO RUN POINT. - TAKE A LOOK. 266 00:10:09,678 --> 00:10:12,922 OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH. 267 00:10:16,029 --> 00:10:21,137 - UH, BRIAN, HOW'S IT LOOK? 268 00:10:21,172 --> 00:10:23,346 - IT'S UP THERE. 269 00:10:23,381 --> 00:10:25,314 IT'S REALLY UP THERE. 270 00:10:25,348 --> 00:10:26,936 - I COULD'VE TOLD YOU THAT. 271 00:10:26,971 --> 00:10:28,489 CAN YOU GET IT OUT? 272 00:10:28,524 --> 00:10:30,088 LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL, GUYS. 273 00:10:30,112 --> 00:10:32,079 - OH, NOT A PROBLEM, SIR. 274 00:10:32,114 --> 00:10:34,841 UH, BRI, RUN DOWN TO THE RIG AND GET THE COLO-VAC 5,000. 275 00:10:34,875 --> 00:10:35,842 IT'S IN THE SIDE STORAGE TANK. - AH. 276 00:10:35,876 --> 00:10:38,914 - COLO-VAC 5,000. 277 00:10:38,948 --> 00:10:42,469 - WOW. COLO-VAC 5,000. THAT SOUNDS POWERFUL. 278 00:10:42,503 --> 00:10:43,435 IS THAT... IS IT GONNA HURT? 279 00:10:43,470 --> 00:10:45,541 - IT'S GONNA HURT A LOT. 280 00:10:45,575 --> 00:10:46,991 MAINLY BECAUSE IT DOESN'T EXIST. 281 00:10:47,025 --> 00:10:48,544 - WELL, HE RAN LIKE A BAT OUTTA HELL 282 00:10:48,578 --> 00:10:50,270 AS SOON AS YOU SAID THE NAME. - HE'S NEW. 283 00:10:50,304 --> 00:10:52,030 AND WE ARE PARAMEDICS, SIR. 284 00:10:52,065 --> 00:10:54,274 EVEN IF THERE WAS A DEVICE THAT SUCKED SODA BOTTLES 285 00:10:54,308 --> 00:10:57,311 OUT OF THE PLACE WE DARE NOT GO, OUR BUDGET WOULDN'T COVER IT. 286 00:10:57,346 --> 00:10:58,761 - WE BARELY GET DENTAL, 287 00:10:58,796 --> 00:11:00,556 LET ALONE ANAL. 288 00:11:00,590 --> 00:11:03,214 - WE'RE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL. - OH, MAN. 289 00:11:03,248 --> 00:11:06,355 - GUYS, LOOK, I'LL GIVE YOU 2 GRAND IF YOU TRY TO GET IT OUT. 290 00:11:06,389 --> 00:11:08,391 3 GRAND IF YOU HAVE THE TWINK DO IT. 291 00:11:08,426 --> 00:11:11,325 SLOWER. PLEASE, SLOWER. 292 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:13,880 JUST A LITTLE... SLOWER. 293 00:11:13,914 --> 00:11:15,191 - ALL RIGHT. 294 00:11:15,226 --> 00:11:16,158 YEAH. - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, 295 00:11:16,192 --> 00:11:17,469 PLEASE, SLOWER. 296 00:11:17,504 --> 00:11:18,470 JUST A... LITTLE BIT SLOWER. 297 00:11:18,505 --> 00:11:20,334 - OKAY. 298 00:11:20,369 --> 00:11:24,787 - SLOW DOWN. PLEASE. JUST SLOW DOWN. HAVE A HEART. 299 00:11:24,822 --> 00:11:27,376 AAH! 300 00:11:27,410 --> 00:11:29,067 IT'S OUT! - HEY! 301 00:11:29,102 --> 00:11:30,310 - NICE DRIVING, BRO. 302 00:11:30,344 --> 00:11:31,691 - LAWS OF GRAVITY. 303 00:11:31,725 --> 00:11:33,082 - SO SHOULD WE DROP YOU BACK AT HOME, 304 00:11:33,106 --> 00:11:35,384 OR WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO THE SUPERMARKET? 305 00:11:35,418 --> 00:11:37,524 - SUPERMARKET. WHY? 306 00:11:37,558 --> 00:11:39,215 - TO GET YOUR DEPOSIT BACK. 307 00:11:42,253 --> 00:11:45,083 - THAT'S NOT THAT FUNNY, DRIVER. - PRETTY GOOD. 308 00:11:49,639 --> 00:11:52,194 - WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DRINK? - NOT SODA. NOT SODA. 309 00:11:52,228 --> 00:11:53,505 - OKAY. - ANYTHING BUT SODA. 310 00:11:53,540 --> 00:11:55,162 - OKAY. - OH, HEY, GUYS, 311 00:11:55,197 --> 00:11:56,336 DENZEL APPROACHING. 312 00:11:56,370 --> 00:11:58,269 - MAYBE HE SHOULD BE YOUR I.C.E. 313 00:11:58,303 --> 00:12:01,755 - I'D GLADLY STRIP DOWN AND JUMP IN MY DEATHBED RIGHT NOW. MMM. 314 00:12:01,790 --> 00:12:03,515 - HEY, GUYS. 315 00:12:03,550 --> 00:12:05,759 JOHNNY, THERESA WANTS TO SEE YOU OUTSIDE FOR A SEC. 316 00:12:05,794 --> 00:12:06,760 - YOU AIN'T BACK IN FIVE MINUTES, 317 00:12:06,795 --> 00:12:09,211 I'M EATING YOUR SANDWICH. 318 00:12:09,245 --> 00:12:11,834 - HEY. - HEY. 319 00:12:11,869 --> 00:12:13,733 - WHAT'S UP? - I JUST WANTED TO CHAT. 320 00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:17,184 YOU KNOW, YOU WERE SAYING BEFORE THAT YOU WERE, UM... 321 00:12:17,219 --> 00:12:21,016 I MEAN, IT JUST FEELS LIKE FOREVER SINCE WE TALKED. 322 00:12:21,050 --> 00:12:22,362 - YOUR IDEA, WHAT'D YOU CALL IT? 323 00:12:22,396 --> 00:12:24,985 - PHONE TRUCE. - PHONE TRUCE. RIGHT. 324 00:12:27,470 --> 00:12:29,610 ARE YOU REALLY OKAY? 325 00:12:29,645 --> 00:12:31,934 'CAUSE I'VE BEEN WONDERING HOW YOU'VE BEEN HANDLING THE WHOLE... 326 00:12:31,958 --> 00:12:35,099 WOW, YOU SMELL INCREDIBLY SEXY. 327 00:12:35,133 --> 00:12:36,203 - THANK YOU. 328 00:12:36,238 --> 00:12:37,860 - A NEW PERFUME? - UH-HUH. 329 00:12:37,895 --> 00:12:41,139 - IT'S NICE. IT'S, UH... 330 00:12:41,174 --> 00:12:44,798 WELL, IT'S VERY PROVOCATIVE. 331 00:12:44,833 --> 00:12:46,282 - I'VE BEEN TRYING NEW THINGS. 332 00:12:46,317 --> 00:12:48,112 WHERE DID YOU EVEN HEAR THAT WORD? 333 00:12:48,146 --> 00:12:49,596 - PROVOCATIVE? SCRABBLE. 334 00:12:49,630 --> 00:12:51,391 HANK PLAYED IT. GOT, LIKE, A MILLION POINTS. 335 00:12:51,425 --> 00:12:52,633 - YOU'RE PLAYING SCRABBLE? 336 00:12:52,668 --> 00:12:55,257 - OH, I'M LIKE A NEW GUY NOW. 337 00:12:55,291 --> 00:12:58,743 SCRABBLE, FRENCH DOUGHNUTS, YOGA... 338 00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,514 - YOU'RE DOING YOGA? - I'M SIGNING UP FOR IT. 339 00:13:00,538 --> 00:13:02,402 - I WANTED YOU TO DO YOGA. 340 00:13:02,436 --> 00:13:05,301 - SEE, I'M SHOWING YOU. I CAN CHANGE. 341 00:13:05,336 --> 00:13:07,579 - HEY, JOHNNY, THEY HAVE TAPENADE IN HERE, 342 00:13:07,614 --> 00:13:09,236 WHICH I LOVE. 343 00:13:09,271 --> 00:13:10,651 I'M GETTING SOME ON MY SANDWICH. 344 00:13:10,686 --> 00:13:12,826 DO YOU WANT SOME ON YOURS? 345 00:13:12,861 --> 00:13:15,484 - YES, I DO. 346 00:13:15,518 --> 00:13:17,106 HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO? - WHAT? 347 00:13:17,141 --> 00:13:18,832 - WE SHOULD GO BACK TO YOUR PLACE TONIGHT. 348 00:13:18,867 --> 00:13:22,077 WATCH SOME DVDs... - I CAN'T. 349 00:13:22,111 --> 00:13:23,561 - WHY NOT? - I'M BUSY. 350 00:13:23,595 --> 00:13:24,458 - WELL, MAKE A CALL. GET UN-BUSY. 351 00:13:24,493 --> 00:13:28,497 - I HAVE A DATE. - OH. 352 00:13:28,531 --> 00:13:29,646 - I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING, RIGHT? 353 00:13:29,670 --> 00:13:30,948 TAKING A BREAK? - YEAH. 354 00:13:30,982 --> 00:13:33,260 - SEEING OTHER PEOPLE. - RIGHT. YEAH. 355 00:13:33,295 --> 00:13:35,066 HOW MANY DATES YOU BEEN ON? - THIS IS MY FIRST ONE. 356 00:13:35,090 --> 00:13:36,056 - AH. - YOU? 357 00:13:36,091 --> 00:13:37,747 - NONE. - OH. 358 00:13:37,782 --> 00:13:41,441 - BUT I'VE BEEN GOING OUT A LOT WITH HANK AND THE GUYS. 359 00:13:41,475 --> 00:13:42,649 WE ATE SUSHI. 360 00:13:42,683 --> 00:13:44,444 WE TALKED TO THESE GIRLS... 361 00:13:44,478 --> 00:13:46,284 I TALKED TO THIS ONE GIRL FOR, LIKE, AN HOUR AND A HALF. 362 00:13:46,308 --> 00:13:48,103 WHO'S YOUR DATE WITH? 363 00:13:48,137 --> 00:13:49,701 - NO ONE YOU KNOW. YOU'VE BEEN EATING SUSHI? 364 00:13:49,725 --> 00:13:51,416 - TWICE. I ATE IT TWICE. IS IT WITH DENZEL? 365 00:13:51,451 --> 00:13:52,590 - WHO? - YOUR PARTNER. 366 00:13:52,624 --> 00:13:53,636 - NO. - DID HE ASK YOU OUT? 367 00:13:53,660 --> 00:13:54,626 - OH, GOD, DON'T DO THIS. 368 00:13:54,661 --> 00:13:56,145 - DID YOU ASK HIM OUT? 369 00:13:56,180 --> 00:13:57,329 - OH, MY GOD, YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED AT ALL. 370 00:13:57,353 --> 00:13:58,320 - FRENCH DOUGHNUTS. 371 00:13:58,354 --> 00:14:00,770 - MOVE IN WITH ME. 372 00:14:00,805 --> 00:14:04,429 - YOU... YOU KNOW MY MATH ON THIS. - OH, YEAH, I KNOW IT WELL. 373 00:14:04,464 --> 00:14:06,200 WE MOVE IN TOGETHER, IT DOESN'T WORK, WE BREAK UP. 374 00:14:06,224 --> 00:14:08,330 HOW IS THAT ANY DIFFERENT TO WHERE WE ARE NOW? 375 00:14:08,364 --> 00:14:10,608 - WE STILL LIKE EACH OTHER NOW. - OH, MY GOD. 376 00:14:10,642 --> 00:14:12,368 - WHAT AM I MISSING HERE? 377 00:14:12,403 --> 00:14:13,128 - HERE IS ANOTHER MATHEMATICAL POSSIBILITY. 378 00:14:13,162 --> 00:14:14,612 - OKAY. 379 00:14:14,646 --> 00:14:15,658 - WE MOVE IN TOGETHER... - UH-HUH. 380 00:14:15,682 --> 00:14:16,925 - IT GOES GREAT. - MM-HMM. 381 00:14:16,959 --> 00:14:18,478 - WE FALL EVEN MORE DEEPLY IN LOVE 382 00:14:18,512 --> 00:14:20,007 AND REALIZE THAT WE WANT TO GET MARRIED 383 00:14:20,031 --> 00:14:21,895 AND HAVE KIDS. - THAT'S... 384 00:14:21,930 --> 00:14:23,552 - REALLY? THE KIDS THING SCARES YOU? 385 00:14:23,586 --> 00:14:24,978 - YOU HAVE EIGHT BROTHERS AND SISTERS. 386 00:14:25,002 --> 00:14:26,462 WHEN YOU SAY "KIDS," IT MAKES ME THINK ABOUT 387 00:14:26,486 --> 00:14:28,050 LIVING WITH THE ENTIRE CUBS PITCHING STAFF. 388 00:14:28,074 --> 00:14:30,179 - WITH ONE MAJOR DIFFERENCE. 389 00:14:30,214 --> 00:14:31,734 MY KIDS COULD HOLD A LEAD IN THE NINTH. 390 00:14:36,358 --> 00:14:39,913 SEE, THAT'S WHY I LOVE YOU. - THEN MOVE IN WITH ME. 391 00:14:39,948 --> 00:14:42,433 OR MOVE ON. 392 00:14:55,101 --> 00:14:58,242 - HEY, YOU LEFT YOUR PHONE. 393 00:15:08,528 --> 00:15:10,023 - HEY, CONGRATULATIONS ON MAKING IT THROUGH YOUR FIRST DAY. 394 00:15:10,047 --> 00:15:11,841 - THANKS, GUYS. - WELL DONE, BUDDY. 395 00:15:11,876 --> 00:15:15,190 - TO THE EASTER SEAL. - EASTER SEAL. 396 00:15:15,224 --> 00:15:17,088 - EW. - WHAT IS THIS? 397 00:15:17,123 --> 00:15:18,745 - IT'S A PEACH COBBLER. I INVENTED IT. 398 00:15:18,779 --> 00:15:21,196 GINGER ALE, LEMON ZEST, AND A DASH OF PEACH SCHNAPPS. 399 00:15:21,230 --> 00:15:22,783 - KEEP DRINKING THESE, 400 00:15:22,818 --> 00:15:24,244 PRETTY SOON YOUR TITS WILL BE BIGGER THAN MINE. 401 00:15:24,268 --> 00:15:26,339 HEY, GO OVER TO THE BAR 402 00:15:26,373 --> 00:15:28,858 AND GET SIX BEERS AND SIX SHOTS OF WHISKEY. 403 00:15:28,893 --> 00:15:30,895 - OH, NOT SUPPOSED TO DRINK WHISKEY. 404 00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,449 - WHY NOT? - MAKES ME WANNA DANCE... 405 00:15:33,484 --> 00:15:35,106 NAKED. 406 00:15:35,141 --> 00:15:37,937 - DOUBLES. GET SIX DOUBLES. - OOH, YEAH. 407 00:15:37,971 --> 00:15:40,042 - I GOT MY CAMERA PHONE. - BETTER GET THAT WHISKEY. 408 00:15:40,077 --> 00:15:41,123 - DANCE, DANCE, DANCE, MONKEY. 409 00:15:41,147 --> 00:15:42,286 - OH, WE GOTTA GO. - WHY? 410 00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:44,391 - I GPS'D THERESA'S CELL PHONE, 411 00:15:44,426 --> 00:15:45,610 AND SHE'S LEAVING HER APARTMENT RIGHT NOW TO GO ON HER DATE. 412 00:15:45,634 --> 00:15:47,118 - OH, WHICH YOU DID WHEN YOU AND HER 413 00:15:47,153 --> 00:15:48,889 WERE FOOLING AROUND OUTSIDE THE SANDWICH SHOP? 414 00:15:48,913 --> 00:15:50,193 - WHAT? - SHE WEARS CHANEL NO. 5. 415 00:15:50,225 --> 00:15:51,640 YOU CAME BACK INSIDE REEKING 416 00:15:51,674 --> 00:15:53,193 LIKE YOU JUST GUEST-HOSTED THE VIEW. 417 00:15:53,228 --> 00:15:54,446 - I PICKED A GAY GUY TO BE MY BEST FRIEND. 418 00:15:54,470 --> 00:15:55,989 - OH, WITH SUPER GAY SMELLING POWER. 419 00:15:56,024 --> 00:15:57,818 - SMUG IS NOT A GOOD LOOK ON YOU, SIR. 420 00:15:57,853 --> 00:15:59,589 - PRETTY GOOD LOOK. GOES WITH MY EYES AND MY COCK. 421 00:15:59,613 --> 00:16:00,925 - SHE'S GONNA RECOGNIZE MY TRUCK 422 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,454 AND YOUR CAR, SO WE NEED TO TAKE BRIAN'S. 423 00:16:02,478 --> 00:16:03,928 - BRIAN'S NEVER GONNA GO FOR THAT. 424 00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:05,492 - WHY NOT? - BECAUSE UNLIKE YOU MISCREANTS, 425 00:16:05,516 --> 00:16:08,484 HE'S A DECENT, MORAL, CIVILIZED HUMAN BEING, 426 00:16:08,519 --> 00:16:10,590 WHO RESPECTS THE PRIVACY OF OTHERS. 427 00:16:10,624 --> 00:16:12,212 - EXACTLY, WHICH IS WHY 428 00:16:12,247 --> 00:16:13,213 WE GOTTA GET HIM REALLY, REALLY SH... FACED. 429 00:16:13,248 --> 00:16:14,904 - YES. 430 00:16:14,939 --> 00:16:16,227 - HE'S NOT GONNA LIKE THE TASTE OF THAT WHISKEY, THOUGH. 431 00:16:16,251 --> 00:16:18,149 BRIAN. 432 00:16:18,184 --> 00:16:21,049 ADD SIX PEACH COBBLERS. 433 00:16:21,083 --> 00:16:22,567 - YOU'VE BEEN WARNED. 434 00:16:22,602 --> 00:16:25,501 YOU'RE GETTING CRAZY TONIGHT. 435 00:16:25,536 --> 00:16:27,572 - A '94 SUBARU, BRIAN. 436 00:16:27,607 --> 00:16:29,343 COULD'VE HITCHED A RIDE ON THE BACK OF A RICKSHAW 437 00:16:29,367 --> 00:16:30,644 AND GOT THERE FASTER. 438 00:16:30,679 --> 00:16:32,336 AND PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON. 439 00:16:32,370 --> 00:16:36,478 - OH, YOU GUYS HOT? HEY, LET'S GO SWIMMING, HUH? 440 00:16:36,512 --> 00:16:38,870 - LAST TIME I SAW THIS MUCH WHITE WAS AT A COLDPLAY CONCERT. 441 00:16:38,894 --> 00:16:40,665 - 35 MILES PER HOUR. - IT WON'T GO ANY FASTER. 442 00:16:40,689 --> 00:16:42,415 - IF IT HITS 40, IT STARTS TO SHAKE. 443 00:16:42,449 --> 00:16:43,830 - IT'S SHAKING RIGHT NOW. 444 00:16:43,864 --> 00:16:45,625 - THIS IS NOT A SHAKE, THIS IS A SHIMMY. 445 00:16:45,659 --> 00:16:48,697 HEY, HOW AWESOME IS MICHAEL PHELPS, GUYS? 446 00:16:48,731 --> 00:16:50,768 - GOD, ALL HE'S WEARING IS A SPEEDO NOW. 447 00:16:50,802 --> 00:16:52,701 - THIS AIN'T GONNA WORK. 448 00:16:52,735 --> 00:16:54,644 IF THEY HEAD OUT THAT RESTAURANT HEADING BACK TO HIS PLACE, 449 00:16:54,668 --> 00:16:56,060 THE ONLY WAY WE'RE KEEPING UP IS IF THEY'RE RIDING ON A BICYCLE. 450 00:16:56,084 --> 00:16:57,268 - SHE'S NOT GOING BACK TO HIS PLACE. 451 00:16:57,292 --> 00:16:58,707 - WHAT HE LOOK LIKE? 452 00:16:58,741 --> 00:17:01,606 - SHE SAID HE LOOKED LIKE, UH, MATT DAMON. 453 00:17:01,641 --> 00:17:04,299 - WE'RE GONNA NEED A FASTER CAR. - GOD. 454 00:17:04,333 --> 00:17:07,060 - DUDE'S FREAKING TAKING HER TO DAUPHINEA? 455 00:17:07,095 --> 00:17:09,166 THEY SERVE A CHOCOLATE GALETTE HERE 456 00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:10,822 DRIZZLED IN LIQUID GOLD. 457 00:17:10,857 --> 00:17:12,479 YOU SURE IT'S NOT THE REAL MATT DAMON? 458 00:17:12,514 --> 00:17:14,078 - WHAT'S A GALETTE? - IT'S LIKE A PUDDING. 459 00:17:14,102 --> 00:17:15,448 - IT'S A CAKE. 460 00:17:15,482 --> 00:17:17,898 A FLAT, FREE-FORM, EXPENSIVE GODDAMN CAKE. 461 00:17:17,933 --> 00:17:20,867 I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW, SHE'S SLEEPING WITH THIS DUDE TONIGHT. 462 00:17:20,901 --> 00:17:22,696 THIS THE KIND OF PLACE YOU TAKE A CHICK IN, 463 00:17:22,731 --> 00:17:24,146 LET HER SMELL A NAPKIN, 464 00:17:24,181 --> 00:17:25,537 SHE'LL BLOW YOU RIGHT THERE AT THE TABLE. 465 00:17:25,561 --> 00:17:27,022 SHE MIGHT BE BLOWING THE GUY RIGHT NOW, 466 00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,092 BETWEEN THE APPETIZER AND THE MAIN COURSE. 467 00:17:28,116 --> 00:17:29,082 I KNOW I WOULD. 468 00:17:29,117 --> 00:17:30,394 - BRIAN, STOP. 469 00:17:30,428 --> 00:17:31,395 - YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HELPING ME. 470 00:17:31,429 --> 00:17:32,475 - I AM HELPING YOU, BROTHER. 471 00:17:32,499 --> 00:17:33,638 I'M TELLING YOU THE TRUTH. 472 00:17:33,673 --> 00:17:35,399 NONE OF THIS WOULD'VE HAPPENED 473 00:17:35,433 --> 00:17:36,365 IF YOU HAD PAID THE RIGHT KIND OF ATTENTION TO HER 474 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:37,746 INSTEAD OF LAYING AROUND THE HOUSE 475 00:17:37,780 --> 00:17:39,506 PLAYING MADDEN ON THE XBOX ALL DAY. 476 00:17:39,541 --> 00:17:41,001 BRIAN, STOP IT. - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 477 00:17:41,025 --> 00:17:43,510 YOU WERE WITH ME HALF THE TIME, PLAYING XBOX. 478 00:17:43,545 --> 00:17:46,341 - SO I COULD SABOTAGE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH JEFF THE CHEF. 479 00:17:46,375 --> 00:17:48,343 I HAD A MASTER PLAN. I KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING. 480 00:17:48,377 --> 00:17:50,517 - IF YOU EAT GOLD, DOES THAT MEAN YOU SH... GOLD? 481 00:17:50,552 --> 00:17:51,863 BRIAN, SHUT UP. 482 00:17:51,898 --> 00:17:53,486 WHY ARE YOU TAKING IT OUT ON BRIAN? 483 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:55,557 - I'M NOT TAKING IT OUT ON BRI... YOU STARTED THIS. 484 00:17:55,591 --> 00:17:58,007 - MAYBE THAT'S WHAT THEY MEAN BY "SH... TING BRICKS." 485 00:17:58,042 --> 00:17:59,595 I SWEAR TO GOD, BUDDY. 486 00:17:59,630 --> 00:18:01,332 HEY, YOU STARTED THIS BY NOT LISTENING TO YOUR CHICK. 487 00:18:01,356 --> 00:18:03,392 AND NOW SHE'S GIVING HUMMERS TO MOVIE STARS 488 00:18:03,427 --> 00:18:05,784 IN PLACES WHERE THEY WON'T LET YOU DO THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER IN. 489 00:18:05,808 --> 00:18:07,845 YOU HAPPY? - OH, MY GOD. 490 00:18:07,879 --> 00:18:09,743 - WHAT? - IS THAT THE GUY? 491 00:18:09,778 --> 00:18:12,436 - OH, MY GOD. - OH. 492 00:18:12,470 --> 00:18:15,887 I WOULD CONSIDER HAVING ORAL SEX WITH THAT MAN. 493 00:18:15,922 --> 00:18:18,683 - MY GIRLFRIEND'S GONNA HAVE SEX WITH JASON BOURNE. 494 00:18:18,718 --> 00:18:21,100 - SHE'S LOOKING THIS WAY! - OH! 495 00:18:21,134 --> 00:18:24,793 - DID YOU SEE THAT NEW JASON BOURNE MOVIE WITH JEREMY RENNER 496 00:18:24,827 --> 00:18:27,623 WHERE IT'S LIKE HE'S NOT JASON BOURNE, 497 00:18:27,658 --> 00:18:32,145 BUT THERE'S A WHOLE PROGRAM? 498 00:18:32,180 --> 00:18:34,423 I DIDN'T THINK THAT YOU HAD. 499 00:18:34,458 --> 00:18:36,563 - THIS IS SO BAD. THIS IS SO BAD. 500 00:18:36,598 --> 00:18:37,816 DID I TELL YOU THAT SHE SH... CANNED ME AS HER I.C.E. 501 00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:39,601 AND PUT IN HER SISTER? 502 00:18:39,635 --> 00:18:41,775 - SHE DESPISES HER SISTER. - I KNOW. 503 00:18:41,810 --> 00:18:43,708 - WHAT THE HELL ARE WE EVEN DOING HERE? 504 00:18:43,743 --> 00:18:46,159 YOU SHOULD'VE MENTIONED THAT UP FRONT. IT'S OVER, MAN. 505 00:18:46,194 --> 00:18:47,816 HER USING HER SISTER AS HER I.C.E. 506 00:18:47,850 --> 00:18:51,475 IS LIKE ME USING ANN GODDAMN COULTER. 507 00:18:51,509 --> 00:18:53,373 OH, MY GOD. Both: OH. 508 00:18:53,408 --> 00:18:55,064 - WOW. 509 00:18:55,099 --> 00:18:58,102 - THE GUY DRIVES A LAMBORGHINI? - LORD, PLEASE. 510 00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:00,069 PLEASE, LORD, DON'T LET HER SLEEP WITH THIS GUY. 511 00:19:00,104 --> 00:19:02,186 - PLEASE, LORD, IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, LET THIS GUY BE GAY. 512 00:19:02,210 --> 00:19:03,625 - HEY, THEY'RE MAKING OUT. 513 00:19:03,659 --> 00:19:05,282 - OKAY, FORGET GAY. LET HIM BE BI. 514 00:19:05,316 --> 00:19:08,181 - SHE'S PUSHING HIM AWAY. - MM. 515 00:19:08,216 --> 00:19:09,458 WAIT, IS SHE... 516 00:19:09,493 --> 00:19:10,908 - YEAH, SHE'S GIVING HIM A TICKET. 517 00:19:10,942 --> 00:19:12,910 - MUST HAVE BEEN A TERRIBLE KISS. 518 00:19:12,944 --> 00:19:14,291 - BRIAN. - I KNOW. I'LL STOP. 519 00:19:14,325 --> 00:19:17,017 OH, HEY! 520 00:19:17,052 --> 00:19:19,088 SHE'S WALKING AWAY. - YEAH! OF COURSE SHE IS. 521 00:19:19,123 --> 00:19:20,825 SEE, 'CAUSE SHE'S TOO SMART TO FALL FOR AMERICAN PSYCHO... 522 00:19:20,849 --> 00:19:22,264 - HEY! - HI. 523 00:19:22,299 --> 00:19:25,440 - HI, THERESA. - WHY DO YOU SMELL LIKE PEACHES? 524 00:19:25,474 --> 00:19:28,305 - 'CAUSE I'M DRUNK. OH, YOU LOOK SO PRETTY. 525 00:19:28,339 --> 00:19:30,238 - DID YOU JUST GIVE THAT GUY A TICKET? 526 00:19:30,272 --> 00:19:32,999 - YES. HIS REGISTRATION WAS EXPIRED. 527 00:19:33,033 --> 00:19:35,450 WHICH I'D NORMALLY LET GO WHEN ON A DATE WITH SUCH 528 00:19:35,484 --> 00:19:38,453 AN INCREDIBLY HANDSOME, SEXY, SHOCKINGLY WEALTHY DUDE, 529 00:19:38,487 --> 00:19:40,144 EXCEPT FOR TWO THINGS: 530 00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:42,698 NUMBER ONE, HE WOULDN'T STOP TALKING ABOUT HIMSELF. 531 00:19:42,733 --> 00:19:45,460 HE WAS A COCKY, ARROGANT, SELF-INVOLVED ASSHOLE, 532 00:19:45,494 --> 00:19:48,048 WHICH APPARENTLY I SEEM TO BE ATTRACTED TO. 533 00:19:48,083 --> 00:19:49,716 SO I WAS STILL GONNA LET HIM MAKE OUT WITH ME 534 00:19:49,740 --> 00:19:53,122 RIGHT THERE IN THE CAR FOR HOPEFULLY ABOUT 15 MINUTES. 535 00:19:53,157 --> 00:19:54,710 - BECAUSE HE DRIVES A LAMBORGHINI? 536 00:19:54,745 --> 00:19:56,298 - THAT AND THE FACT THAT I KNEW 537 00:19:56,333 --> 00:19:57,817 YOU GUYS WERE OUT HERE WATCHING ME. 538 00:19:57,851 --> 00:19:59,508 HOW? 539 00:19:59,543 --> 00:20:01,452 - BECAUSE I GPS'D YOUR PHONE ABOUT TWO MONTHS AGO. 540 00:20:01,476 --> 00:20:03,788 All: OH. 541 00:20:03,823 --> 00:20:05,204 - YOU KNOW WHAT? 542 00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:07,275 I SHOULD NEVER HAVE DELETED YOU AS MY I.C.E. 543 00:20:07,309 --> 00:20:09,449 BECAUSE WHO BETTER TO CALL 544 00:20:09,484 --> 00:20:11,037 IN CASE OF EMERGENCY THAN SOMEONE 545 00:20:11,071 --> 00:20:13,488 WHO IS ALREADY PARKED RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET? 546 00:20:13,522 --> 00:20:16,145 MY GOD, JOHNNY. 547 00:20:16,180 --> 00:20:18,665 IF ONLY YOU WOULD PUT THIS MUCH THOUGHT AND ENERGY 548 00:20:18,700 --> 00:20:20,529 INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP. 549 00:20:20,564 --> 00:20:22,704 IT COULD'VE ENDED WITH US WALKING HOME TONIGHT 550 00:20:22,738 --> 00:20:25,051 ARM IN ARM, TOTALLY IN LOVE. 551 00:20:25,085 --> 00:20:29,262 INSTEAD, I'LL BE TAKING A TAXI BY MYSELF. 552 00:20:29,297 --> 00:20:30,850 GOOD NIGHT, GENTLEMEN. 553 00:20:30,884 --> 00:20:32,334 JOHNNY. 554 00:20:37,270 --> 00:20:41,550 - WELL, WHO'S GLAD WE CAME? 555 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:45,071 - WASH 'EM DOWN QUICK, PEACH FUZZ. 556 00:20:45,105 --> 00:20:46,807 HANK'S GOT THE RIG LOADED AND READY TO ROLL. 557 00:20:46,831 --> 00:20:48,143 HE'S FUELING IT UP AS WE SPEAK. 558 00:20:48,177 --> 00:20:49,524 ALL JOBS THE NEW KID... 559 00:20:49,558 --> 00:20:51,042 IS SUPPOSED TO DO... 560 00:20:51,077 --> 00:20:52,458 EVEN WITH... 561 00:20:52,492 --> 00:20:54,080 A MASSIVE HANGOVER. 562 00:20:54,114 --> 00:20:56,300 - BEST CURE I KNOW FOR A HANGOVER IS JUMPING IN THE LAKE. 563 00:20:56,324 --> 00:20:58,326 NAKED. - MM. 564 00:21:01,708 --> 00:21:04,746 - I NEED SOMETHING TO DRINK. SOMETHING WITHOUT ALCOHOL. 565 00:21:04,780 --> 00:21:07,058 - HERE. 566 00:21:07,093 --> 00:21:08,474 - I THINK I'M OFF PEACHES. 567 00:21:08,508 --> 00:21:10,821 AND BARS. AND SWIMMING. 568 00:21:10,855 --> 00:21:12,512 - I'M SORRY FOR PUTTING YOU 569 00:21:12,547 --> 00:21:13,903 IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WHOLE THERESA THING, 570 00:21:13,927 --> 00:21:16,275 EASTER SEAL, IT WAS UNFAIR AND IRRESPONSIBLE. 571 00:21:16,309 --> 00:21:17,724 - NO, THAT PART WAS AWESOME. 572 00:21:17,759 --> 00:21:19,554 I'VE NEVER BEEN ON A SPY MISSION BEFORE. 573 00:21:19,588 --> 00:21:21,556 - YEAH? 574 00:21:21,590 --> 00:21:22,522 WELL, IN THAT CASE, YOU CAN JOIN US TONIGHT IF YOU WANT. 575 00:21:22,557 --> 00:21:24,213 SHE'S GOT ANOTHER DATE. 576 00:21:24,248 --> 00:21:25,915 BUT SHE UN-GPS'D HER PHONE, SO WE NEED TO RENT A CAR 577 00:21:25,939 --> 00:21:27,538 AND BE OUT IN FRONT OF HER APARTMENT BY 6:00 TO FOLLOW HER 578 00:21:27,562 --> 00:21:29,091 AND WHOEVER THE HELL'S COMING TO PICK HER UP, 579 00:21:29,115 --> 00:21:32,705 WHICH I'M PRETTY SURE IS GONNA BE DENZEL. 580 00:21:32,739 --> 00:21:34,258 WHAT? 581 00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:36,743 - DRUNK AS I WAS, I CLEARLY RECALL THERESA SAYING 582 00:21:36,778 --> 00:21:38,952 THAT SHE WANTED TO SEE SOME NEW BEHAVIOR FROM YOU. 583 00:21:38,987 --> 00:21:40,713 - WHAT'D I SAY? NO PHONE. RENTAL CAR. 584 00:21:40,747 --> 00:21:44,406 - THOSE ARE NOT NEW. 585 00:21:44,441 --> 00:21:45,442 THIS SODA TASTES FUNNY. 586 00:21:45,476 --> 00:21:46,753 - REALLY? - IT SHOULD. 587 00:21:46,788 --> 00:21:48,548 - SEEING AS HOW THE BOTTLE IT'S IN 588 00:21:48,583 --> 00:21:51,482 SPENT MOST OF YESTERDAY UP SOME FAT GUY'S ASS. 589 00:21:56,384 --> 00:21:57,626 I SWALLOWED IT. 590 00:21:57,661 --> 00:21:58,903 AAH! 591 00:21:58,938 --> 00:22:01,596 NO! NO! 592 00:22:01,630 --> 00:22:03,322 - SECOND BEST CURE FOR A HANGOVER. 593 00:22:05,841 --> 00:22:07,084 - WHAT AN A-HOLE. 594 00:22:07,118 --> 00:22:09,086 - I... HEY. 595 00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:11,916 - DID HE DRINK IT? - ALMOST THE WHOLE BOTTLE. 596 00:22:11,951 --> 00:22:13,584 - I TAKE IT YOU DIDN'T TELL HIM IT WASN'T THE ACTUAL BOTTLE YET. 597 00:22:13,608 --> 00:22:14,930 - NO, I WAS GONNA WAIT A LITTLE WHILE FOR THAT. 598 00:22:14,954 --> 00:22:15,817 LIKE, MAYBE A MONTH. 599 00:22:15,851 --> 00:22:16,990 - AH. 600 00:22:17,025 --> 00:22:18,371 - I'LL SEE YOU IN FIVE. 601 00:22:18,406 --> 00:22:20,408 - SEE YOU IN A BIT. 602 00:22:26,966 --> 00:22:34,966 ♪ 44244

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