Original subtitles

Now where's this guy with the pills?

Hey, what the hell are you doing?!

I was saving you.

This is your best bet for a new identity.

This needs to last you the rest of your life.

You need a real person -- young, single...

Dead. Dead.

I found a Gertrude Fronch.

Uh-huh. No, no. Not happening.

I can't give you your job back.

I don't work here anymore?

I said I would try with her, and I will.

You thought my dad was a psycho intruder.

We almost shot him.

Oh, I live here permanently now.

You think Gertrude's what I should do?

I think so.Then that's what I'll do.

♪

[ Line ringing]

Patty: What? [ Beep]

Patty?

Everything's ready.

I need you here. I'm --

I'm leaving tonight.

[Knock on door]

Allison.

[Screams]

[Gasps and pants]

♪

[Indistinct announcements over P.A.]

God, he could be sleeping.

He's not. He's in a critical coma.

Now let's get outta here before some nosy nurse comes in.

Oh, I need a minute.

Kevin heard from one of his cop friends

that he moved a finger.

Oh.

Well, we can't let him wake up.

Let him? We --

We -- We're not here -- We're not gonna --

No! No, no, no.

Just needed to see with my own eyes

that he was still in a coma.

I keep having these dreams.

Well, here he is.

Okay.

Yeah, it'll be fine when I leave.

Neil can get drunk, say whatever he wants.

He can wake up screaming my name,

and they'll just be ruining the life of a dead woman, so...

Be like none of this ever happened.

Still nothing from your PI?

No. I gave him Gertrude's name and information,

but he hasn't returned my calls.

I think Chuck's got him in hiding.

Maybe you can... call him?

What?Well, he loved you, you charmer.

I feel like maybe he'd return yourcalls.

Sure.

Tammy's still asking questions about the last favor

I did for you, but, yeah.

Use me as bait, I guess.[Door opens]

Oh, sh--

Hi...Cindy.

Patty.

Um...

We were, uh -- We were just --

This is Allison.

I'm Allison.

Patty wanted to come by and check on Nick.

We heard he was getting a little bit better.

Oh, not really.

I mean, you can tell 'cause the cops

stopped handcuffing him to the bed.

Ah.

Even they don't believe he's gonna get up.

Ah, well...

We will... leave you to it, then.

Mm-hmm. Oh, and happy birthday.

Birthday?

Thank you, Cindy.

It's your birthday?Tomorrow.

Well, how come she knew and I didn't?

I dealt to Cindy.

We have, like, a bond.

Youhave a bond?

We broke into her house together.

Did she get you off the hook for selling oxys to old ladies?

The more times you bring up the one nice thing

you ever did for me, the less nice it gets.

I have done more than one nice --

Name anything else.

See?

But, yeah, I will go ahead and call your PI for you, sure.

You don't have to do that.

No, no, it's fine.

'Cause soon you'll be gone,

and it'll be like none of this ever happened, right?

♪♪

We're planning a surprise party for Patty.

You are? Weare.

I need it turned around quickly,

and you are the expert in partying.

Ah. Where'd you hear that?

You had it printed on business cards.

[ Laughter]

Only took 10 years of marriage,

but you're finally useful to me.

Excuse me?!

[Person laughing obnoxiously]

What was that?

Did a demon just achieve its final,

most powerful form in our kitchen?

No, my dad has a new girlfriend.

And the girlfriend has... a laugh.

[Obnoxious laughing continues]

Wait. When did Pete get a new girlfriend?

I haven't heard him talk about another woman

since your mother had the good sense to die.

I was trying to get him out of the house,

so I signed him up for some dance classes.

That sounds thoughtful.

I figured, you know, he might fall down,

break a hip, have to go live in a home.

It's a win-win!

There it is.

But instead, he's got a girlfriend.

And the girlfriend has that laugh.

[Obnoxious laughing continues]

Pete's not even funny.

I know. A laugh like that --

you keep that hidden until after marriage.

And here she is, just showing it off

like it's a cool barbed-wire tattoo.

[Obnoxious laughing continues]

Okay. Well, hey, you can distract yourself

by helping me plan this party.

You really planning on surprising Patty?

Yes.Patricia O'Connor?

How many Pattys do you know?

In Worcester? Like 18.

Fair enough.

But I need money. I need you to get booze.

I need this party to be incredible,

one-of-a-kind, special.

Patty deserves it.

When is it?

Tomorrow.

Sounds realspecial.

Oh, shut up.

[ Laughter]

Okay. Well, just, you know, call Diane,

tell her to stock your booze from the store.

Well, she's in South Carolina.

No, she isn't.

Chuck tracked her down, went to go see her,

reminded her what she was missing.

And that worked? Ish.

She's "taking some time"

over at the extended stay over on Shadyside.

Hmm. I don't know what's more depressing --

life with Chuck or life without him.

[ Laughter]

♪♪

♪♪

[Muffled television playing through wall]

♪♪

[Sighs]

[ Laughter]

[ Noisemakers blowing]

[ Laughter continues]

[Fanny's ♪ I put awaye Lover" those suitcase dreams ♪

♪ Smiled a little sultry smile ♪

You got my hair products andlotion?

Yeah.

That was a nice surprise.

And there's literally nothing better

you can do for a woman of color.

That stuff was half off, most of it, so...

really not a big deal.

Of course not.

And what about you?

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

What about me?

I mean, if I was to get you a nice surprise,

what would it be?

I hate surprises.

Okay, but I'm sure there's something that you want

for yourself.

♪ Time has passed, I'm playing my guitar ♪

Ugh! Whatever.

I know that your birthday is tomorrow.

Why do you know that?

Because I knew you would never tell me, so I...

looked you up a little bit.

Okay, that's... s-sweet?

And I found out you got caught shoplifting

a pink thong when you were 16.

I learned my lesson.

I never tried to wear pink again.

I'm glad you turned your life around.

[Chuckles]

So what do you want to do for your birthday?

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Ah, uh...

Probably nothing.

Neil sometimes takes me ice skating,

but, um, he's been a real ass lately, so...

More than usual?

Yeah, I guess we're not --

um, we're not really even talking,

so family ice skating is definitely off.

Well, if you want to go to the rink, I can take you.

N-No.

T-Thanks, but --

And Allison can come, too.

Allison?

Yeah, I'm sure she'd want to come.

And you're friends.

See how I say that with no visible eye-roll?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Well, don't hurt yourself.

Uh, yeah, I just -- it --

Hey, I don't want a fuss about it, you know?

And I -- I -- [exhales]

I just -- I want a quiet day alone to myself.

Self-care or some shit.

If you're sure.

I am, yeah, so can we please go grab dinner?

Yes. Okay.

Yes. Um, just give me a minute.

Um, yeah, just give me one minute.

Oh, boy.

[ Line ringing]

Patty: What?[ Beep]

Patty, did the PI get back to you yet?

'Cause I have to --[Knock on door]

I have to go.

♪♪

Tammy.

Hi.

Um, Patty's not here.

I know. I, um...

actually came to talk to you.

Ah.

Can I...?

Uh, yeah. Mm-hmm.

Okay.

♪♪

Mm. Just...

Well, I'll sit --Okay.

[Chuckles nervously]

[Clears throat]

So, how -- how can I help you?

So, I'm sure you know that it's Patty's birthday tomorrow.

And she doesn't want to do anything,

and I thought maybe together

we could force her to go to a bar or something.

Ah. Actually, I, um --

I'm planning a surprise party for her tomorrow.

A surprise party? Yes.

For Patty? Yes.

Have you thought this through?

Uh, yes, I have.

And she's gonna -- she's gonna love it.

Were you gonna tell me about it?

Yes. I wa-- yeah.

Um, it was just all last-minute, and I was actually,

um, gonna ask you if you would help me plan it.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

O-Okay.

Okay?

Okay. Ah.

I'll come tomorrow morning and help you out with errands.

We can do it... together.

Okay. Alright.

So I'll see you tomorrow?

Yeah. Um...

You should probably get some more decorations.

Well, y-yeah.

Yes, that's the -- that's the plan, so...

Okay. Well... All --

Thanks. Bye. Bye.

♪♪

[Up-tempo music plays]

Hey, make sure to leave me a breathing hole.

Remember, the character's name is the Incredible Tape Man.

Hey, Kevin, weren't you supposed to be helping Allison

throw that party that sounds like a terrible idea?

Was I?

And, Neil, aren't you supposed to be distracting Patty,

keeping her away from here?

Am I?

Two against one. I guess I'm wrong.

[ Laughter]

Ah-ha! [Laughs obnoxiously]

Look at your face!

I can see you boys are just gonna have me in stitches.

[Laughs obnoxiously]

Neil, this is my girlfriend, Lorraine.

She's got both her original hips,

and she uses them.

[Both groan]

Come on!

I'm a dance instructor at the senior center.

And it makes me very good at sex.

[Both laugh]

Get in there. Oh!

Get in there! [Laughs]

Oh, Kevin, I think you got a dying animal in your chimney.

I just heard the most unholy sound from outside.

[Lorraine laughing obnoxiously]

Never mind.

Diane, don't even bother

bringing that booze to the kitchen.

Right in front of me is just fine.

[Lorraine laughing obnoxiously]Ugh, God.

I can't live like this.

Oh, yeah, the laugh is rough, but, uh, I don't know,

kinda miss having a little noise in my life, you know?

Ah, still not back with Chuck, huh?

Well...

Uh...

[ Laughter]

Phew. Uh, absolutely not.

You know, I don't exactly miss his one-bean salad, but...

you know, it -- it might beat the sadness

of the Worcester View Suites.

Worcester has a view?

No.

A man-free home, huh?

Sounds joyless, scary,

and free from the kind of smells

that remind you that you're alive.

I guess.

Anyway, I-I'll see you boys later at the party.

Alright, we'll see ya, Diane.

Bye-bye.

Neil, buddy, I figured out

how we're gonna break up my dad's relationship.

I just got to "Parent Trap" him with my aunt by marriage.

Do I look like the smartest person in the world?

You're gonna have to spell it out a little bit more

for me, pal.

We're gonna set up Pete with Diane.

But we got to do it ASAP at the party,

which now needs to be perfect.

So I need you to go and distract Patty like Allison said,

and I will lay some groundwork, alright?

This is now priority number one!

Okay, well, can you at least help me de-tape my face first?

Nope, no time, no time.

Go! No time.

Oh, God.

There is absolutely no time at all.

[ Laughter]

Of course.[Knock on door]

Come in.

Ah.

Are you burnin' something?

No.

Yes, maybe. Whatever.

What are you doing here?I'm taking you to the rink.

Did you forget?

No, I... I didn't forget.

I-I just thought that you...

Nothing. I'll get ready.

Get moving, then.

Shut up. Be five minutes.

Alright.

♪♪

[Coughs]

The pancakes are delicious.

♪♪

Allison.

[Screams and pants]

[Door opens]

Sorry.

Well, the doorbell works, just for future reference.

I just came to the back so Patty wouldn't see.

Excuse me.

Just, uh -- Just lettin' ya know.

Just trying to preserve the surprise.

Eh, it's fine.

But you're sure it's a good idea?

Yes, it is a -- a nice thing that I'm --

we are doing, and she's gonna love it.

She said yesterday that she hates surprises.

Well, whenever Patty says she hates something,

that means she really wants it.

Did you invite your people?

Just a few friends from work and some of her clients.

Okay, well, uh, so I'm gonna have to get a cake

and some apps and her gift,

and, um, want to get some more streamers.

Yeah, looks like there's still some work

that needs to be done in here.

Yep.

Yep, that's why we're getting an early start.

So, let's -- let's go.

♪♪

♪♪

[Door closes]

♪♪

[Indistinct music playing in background]

♪♪

Think after several decades of coming here for your birthday

you'd be just a little bit better at this.

Nobody wants to be great at ice skating.

It's like karaoke.

Being good at it is just annoying

to the people you go with.

Ah. Aah!

[Laughs]

Yeah.

I stand by what I said.

Could you help?

Neil?

♪♪

♪♪

[Mellow music playing on radio]

[Clears throat]

So, how's work?

It's fine.

Do you know anything more about the --

the guy who broke into my place?

Um, I can't discuss an active investigation.

Active.

How active?

Where are you from?

Uh, from here.

Same.

Any brothers or sisters?

Nope. [Chuckles]

Only child. Shocking.

What do you mean?

It just seems like you're someone who never had to share.

Uh, turn here.

Patty's gift is in an alley?

Yeah.

Okay, whyis Patty's t in an alley?

Because I-I wanted to get her menthols,

and apparently, they're illegal.

Well, they should be. They're disgusting.

Yeah, but now she just smokes regular ones and sucks on mints,

which is worse.

I know a guy who sells them.

Youknow a guy?

Well, I worked at a liquor store.

Ah, yes, the underworld.

So you just, uh, roll down the window,

do the exchange, don't get out of the car.

You do know I'm a police officer, right?

They're just menthol cigarettes.

Uh, and I think cops get a discount, so...

thank you.

You're welcome.

Uh...uh...

Uh, what the hell?

That's gonna be $75.

[Cellphone rings]

Who's that?Oh, uh, no one.

You said $50.

Nope. $75.

[Sighs] Okay, well, um...

I -- can you just -- 'cause I have to get this call.

Sorry.

Okay, so now I'm not just witnessing illegal activity,

I'm participating? Hello?

Hey, the PI guy called me back.

Really? That's great.

What's great?

Who's that?

Nothing. It's no one.

Um, so what did he say?

He says you need to get Gertrude's death certificate

from City Hall, and you need to do it fast.

Uh, and why is that?

Pleasure.

Thank you, Craig.

What are you doing?Nothing!

So, just tell me what -- what were you saying?

He said you need to move because something about it

being logged into the system at the end of the month.

I think. He was eating soup when he said it.

Okay, well, um, I know -- I-I-I think

I know someone who could help us with this.

Allison, how are we gonna steal something from City Hall?

Isn't that, like, a felony?

[Laughs] I don't know.

[Laughs]

W-- I was nice enough to be bait for you, and what, you don't --

you don't have any time to talk to me now?

Uh, yeah, okay. [Chuckles]

Okay, I'll talk to you later.

Bye.

Oh, yes. It is my birthday.

Thank you so much for remembering.

Uh, we need to make a new stop.

If it's holding up a liquor store

to get Patty a case of beer,

I'll pass on the additional crime.

[Laughs]

Good one.

Ah!Hey!

Move.

[Grunts]

-Hey, guys. Whoa! -Hey, watch it!

-Hey, guys. -You okay? You alright?

[Indistinct music playing in background]

You don't have to come inside. I'll be quick.

People are showing up in like an hour.

Maybe we just skip --I will just be a minute.

Allison.

You don't have to do this.

Do what?

Patty doesn't know we're planning this party,

and I'm still not even convinced she wants it,

so maybe we just forget about it

and get her a gift card to a nail salon --

No, no! We have to do this.

It just seems like it's becoming a lot.

Well, it's not.

I got this.

Excuse me.

♪♪

I'll be back for that.

There's your sauces.

[MBGPM's "Bring Your Love Back Home"plays in background]

What do you need, Allison?

I know. I know.

This is -- This is the last thing, okay?

I need you to let me deliver the standing order

to the board of Alderman this week.

I, uh -- Well, it's --

you know, basically, it's doing you a favor, right?

Why?

Um, I need something from City Hall after hours,

and I delivered the order before, so I know,

you know, it's basically a ghost town after 6:00.

Oh, and I need a cake.

God, are you robbing City Hall?

No, no, no, no, no.

I just need a death certificate.

[Door opens]

You said you'd just be a minute.

Hey.

Um, Tam, this is Sammy.

Sa-- Sam, this is Tammy.

When people see a cop in a car,

they come up to ask if there's a bust going on.

It's very annoying.

You're a cop?Uh, yeah.

Helping Allison? Really?

Hel-- Helping me plan a party, okay?

So, are you guys catching up,

or are you trying to make my life harder for some reason?

Oh, no, we're done.

We're done?

We're done.

I'll get your cake.

♪ Turn around and bring your love back home to me ♪

So... Yeah.

How long have you and that guy been having an affair?

What?

Sam.

You fooled around.

[Scoffs] No!

[Chuckles] No.

Okay, yeah.

It was one moment -- one moment --

and it's done. Mm.

That explains why he's so pissed.

I already feel terrible about it, so yeah,

just -- just pile it on.

Hey, I've met your husband.

I get it.

Really?

I mean, what else are you supposed to do?

Uh, a lot of people would say I should get a divorce.

[Scoffs] Right.

Like that's easy.

I know guys like Kevin. They're just...

Mm. You remember my partner Bram?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

He asked me to plant evidence for him once.

He beat the hell out of some guy.

Known drug dealer, all-around scumbag,

but his place was clean.

Bram messed up and I fixed it,

and everybody knew.

I don't even know how he got me to do it.

So, yeah.

I don't think you're a bad person

for cheating on Kevin McRoberts.

[Cellphone rings]

Um, you gonna pick that up? It's Patty.

Oh, I just told you --

everybody knew I planted that shit.

I'm a terrible liar.

This is Tammy. Leave a message.

[ Beep]Hey, you.

Uh, it's -- it's me.

Just -- Just calling to see what you're up to today.

On this day.

Uh...

Bye.

[Indistinct music playing in background]

You can't cool it for like two hours?

I'm mixin', aren't I?

You went to the snack stand.

Where are my nachos?

You always just burn your mouth and complain all day.

Yeah. You buy 'em for me and I complain.

On my birthday, we come to the rink,

you show off on the ice, I fall, you make fun of me,

and then you buy me the nachos with the cheese that's too hot.

It's the one thing that you or any--

anybody does for me.

It's what we've done every other year.

Well, it's not every other year, is it?

You really thought that it was?

Come on!

Then why are we even here?

Good question.

No![Bottle shatters]

♪♪

Shit.

[Up-tempo music plays]

Oh! You're home.

Wow! This place looks like a real party.

Minus the people.

Alexa, turn down the lights.

Alexa: Okay.

Now you can't see that there's nobody here.

Kevin, are you actually helping?

You say that like I never do.

I say that like every time I ask you,

you pretend to be hard of hearing.

What's that?

[ Laughter]

You know, I-I don't understand why we're working so hard

on this thing that Patty's gonna hate anyway.

Dad, today is not about Patty!

It's her birthday.It's her birthday.

So? I have a birthday, too!

That doesn't mean that we just give up!

We can't let those people win!

People whose birthday it is?

[Laughing obnoxiously]

Never surrender!

Alright, I pre-gamed with a power hour

and this party is all I have in my life.

Who's it for again?

Patty.Oh, that is a bad idea.

[ Laughter]

Oh-ho, Diane's here! [Laughs]

Diane's here, everybody.

Yeah.How are you, Diane?

Ah, well, tell you the truth, Kev,

I'm a little, uh, "ugh," you know?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.It's been a rough couple of months.

Fantastic. How about this.

How about you come on into the kitchen.

That way you can be closer to the good booze, right?

And Dad, I know how you love drinking.

I really do!

So much in common, you two.

Let's take a quick trip into the kitchen, yeah?

[Indistinct conversations]

That woman's laugh is bad.

Hmm?

Oh, yeah, yeah. [Chuckles]

Um, so, who did you invite?

Fitz and Parker from the station.

My friend Rochelle, who Patty seems to like -- mostly.

And then I just dug through her client book.

Her client book?

So these are all -- these are all clients?

It's a surprise party. The whole thing's invasive.

And I just found the ladies that've been going

to the salon for years.

Hmm. I recognize her.

Just, um, through Patty, or...

Through work.[Cellphone dings]

Oh, that's Neil. They're on their way.

I'll get everybody together.

Okay.

For life.

We're banned for life.

Mom took me there.

Why don't you get me banned from the gazebo

behind the library where I had my first cigarette?

You know, ruin every good childhood memory I have.

They made me pick up glass off the ice.

Do you know how hard that is?

I would've done it.

You would've, but you're so drunk you can't bend over

without cracking your head open.

Where are you going?

We need to pick something up at Kevin's.

I need your help.

Of course that's where we're spending tonight --

at Kevin's.

Just ask for one -- just one day, Neil.

But I guess that's too much to ask for

from a goddamn violent drunk.

All: Surprise!

[ Laughter]

Jesus, Allison.

Okay, so it was a bad idea.

[ Laughter]

[Laughing obnoxiously]

[Laughing obnoxiously]

That was the worst surprise I ever seen.

[Chuckles] She's so honest.

Alexa, lights up.

Alexa: Okay.

Now Patty can see all the old ladies who came to her party.

What the hell is this?

This is a party.

Try to have fun.

Oh, I'm so glad you're finally here.

Oh, Kevin, that's --

[ Laughter]

That's exactly right.

Neil, buddy, I'm in need of some backup ASAP.

I don't know, Kevin, I've -- I've had a day.

Neil, now is not the time to get selfish.

Patty's birthday is about me and my plan.

And right now, it's in need of some serious mouth-to-mouth.

Alright, fine, you kiss Pete, I take Diane?

What? No.

God! How drunk are you?

Very.

[ Laughter]

This is... A lot.

Yeah.Yeah, I'm sorry.

Drink up. It'll go faster.

Uh, yeah, uh, thanks, but would --

would you get me a beer?

Because vodka is also...

A lot. Yeah.

I thought I was making some progress on you, but fine.

Beer it is.

Try to have some fun.

Sure thing.

Allison, why is every person I sell pills to here?

Tammy -- [clears throat] --

Tammy handled the -- the invites

and, you know, found your client book,

and I guess it was the bad one.

Oh, God.

Also, the investigation into Nick

and the drug stuff, it's, um --

it's not entirely -- it's not entirely closed.

What?You're dating her.

I feel like you should've known this already.

Why the hell would you let her plan a party

with you in the first place?

Because if I didn't, she would hate me more

than she already does.

Oh, God forbid.

Okay, well, we'll just clear the ladies out

before they talk to her or the other cops, okay?

You just deal with Tammy and I will --

I will deal with this.Mm-hmm.

Okay. Yeah.

Hey. What?

Happy birthday.

Okay.

And Lorraine went to nursing school for a couple of years,

so she can check everyone's moles for free!

Yeah, I mean... she sounds okay.

But, Dad, don't you think a man like you should be out there,

you know, playing the field?

I get out of breath if I sit up too fast.

If I play the field, I'll end up under it.

Well, uh, what about that Diane, huh? Huh?

I've known her for 16 years.

Maybeshe's been the one right under your nose all along.

I-I mean, she was with Chuck, you know?

Were you really lookin'?

[ Laughter]

I'm lookin' at her now.

She's, uh, fresh on the market, Dad.

Very vulnerable.

Yeah. H-Hey, Diane.

Come on over here.

Wipe your face first, but then come on over here.

[ Laughter]

Yeah, Diane, we were just saying, uh,

how great you look tonight.

Oh, well, that's sweet.

I've been alternating eating spoonfuls

of peanut butter and chocolate sauce.

No carbs that way.

That's cute.

Yeah, i-it's basically cooking.

[Scoffs] Cooking? Me?

No. I burn water.

Oh, uh, come on, I've had your water

at one of your game-day parties.

Oh. Yeah.

Gotta love a girl who loves football, huh?

Uh, yeah, I really did those for Chuck, you know?

The only foot ball I care about is the huge bunion

that started pulsating on my foot yesterday.

[ Laughter]

You had that looked at?

Oh, yeah.

But not by a doctor.

No, uh, see, uh, I can't afford foot insurance

on my budget, you know?

[Chuckles]

So you're also in debt?

Oh, yeah. [Scoffs] A lot.

[Laughs]

Yeah, but -- but -- but I have been investing

in essential oils, uh...

Let me ask you something -- you boys ever think

about being your own boss?

Okay, that's it. Alright, son, look,

I appreciate you trying to help me

sow my wild oats, but no.

I do not want to sleep with Diane.

Oh, excuse me?

Who said you were gonna sleep with me?

Geez, Diane, you couldn't give me anything to work with there?

W-What were we working on?

[ Laughter]

I'll stick with what I have, thank you.

And thank you, Diane.

I guess I see now it actually could be worse than Lorraine.

[ Laughter]

You know, I think that worked out pretty well in the end.

Indeed. What do you say we, uh,

blow this lame shindig and hit the bar?

Great idea!

We can celebrate Patty's birthday without her.

Wait. What about Lorraine?

Oh, she'll find us.

[ Laughter]

♪♪

Okay.

Yeah, bye.

Tammy: How do you know Patty?

Cindy: Oh, s-something like two and a half years

I've been coming to Patty.

Not so much recently.

I-I stopped carrying the hair dye she likes.

[Laughs]

Okay, can I borrow you for just a sec?

Cindy, uh, it -- it was so nice of you to have come.

Uh, but you might want to get out of here,

because Tammy's friends...

Yeah, I remember who she is.

Y-You're dating cops now?

She's also a woman.

Can you be shitty about that instead?

You really think it's a good idea with what you do?

I don't do it anymore.

Yeah, that's kind of selfish.

Selfish?

Cindy, it was illegal.

Yeah, so -- so's crossing the street on a Sunday.

These are your people.

W-What, were you just gonna leave them out in the cold

because, what, you're so high and mighty now?

I'm not. That's right.

You're not.

But you're trying to be.

When you're ready to kick this phase

and help us out again, give me a call.

See ya later.

[Door opens and closes]

Oh, oh. [Chuckles] Just...

right there.

Not sure this required two people.

Well, I wanted to include you.No, I know.

That's my way of saying thank you.

Well... can't wait to tell Patty

that we got out of this actually liking each other.

I don't likeyou.

That is -- That's very rude.

No, it's not. It's true.

And you don't like me. It's fine.

People don't have to like each other.

No, I li-- I like you.

[Chuckling] No, you don't.

You don't like that I'm around all the time,

and I don't like that you are.

It's fine, really.

But here's the thing.

I shouldbe around all the time.

Me and Patty are together, and that's the point.

And I don't know exactly what it is you want from her,

but maybe you should just back off a little.

♪♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Patty ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Okay.

[Cheers and applause]

♪♪

[Door opens]

[Party music playing faintly in house]

[Clears throat]

♪♪

Is this okay or should I go somewhere else to smoke?

No, it's fine.

[Sighs]

Oh, don't do that.

I, um -- I got you a carton of menthols.

Huh? [Sighs] It was your birthday gift,

but it's more for me because this --

this just bums me out.

Oh, thanks.

Thank you.

At least I did one thing right.

[Sighs] Everyone told me you'd hate a surprise party,

but I thought that...

Whatever. I'm sorry about all this.

[Sighs]

It was bad. [Chuckles]

Top to bottom.

I know.

Oh.

But nobody's ever thrown me a surprise party before.

Nobody's ever thrown me a party before.

Of course, youdid it, so it was a disaster.

But normally, I would've...

really liked it.

It was nice.

Thank you.

So that's two nice things I've done for you?

Okay. [Laughs]

Now we're tallying 'em?

[Laughs]

Well, I am determined that you are gonna

look back on your insane neighbor

Allison McRoberts and miss her.

♪♪

♪♪

[Exhales]

Hey.

Jesus.

[Sighs] Goddamn. I'm not a goblin.

I'm just sitting here and over 40.

Yeah, but you're, like --

like, in the shadows.

That's how you're supposed to drink alone.

Well, here.

Ah.

You're not drinking alone.

What's your excuse?

Didn't feel like staying at the bar with the guys.

Is that enough?

[Scoffs]

Not when I've just been insulted and rejected

by a man who I always thought of as my creepy uncle.

Him and Kevin were joking.

To who?

That, on top of all the Chuck mishegasmeans...

I can drink this until peach-like flavor

is coming out of my pores.

[Party music playing faintly in house]

Ah.

But you moved out.

That's something.

Mm-hmm.

I went back home again this afternoon.

I tried.

But it was...too hard.

Yeah.

♪♪

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Exhales softly]

Sam. What are you --

Your plan was terrible, and I can't do it.

Okay?

This is someone I know at City Hall

who helped me get my liquor license.

It wasn't exactly above board,

but I'm sure if you're willing to pay,

they'll get you whatever you need.

This is it, okay? After this, I'm done.

Whatever you're into, I'm not interested.

No, Sam, you don't understand.

I-I need --

You need to what?

Well...

Allison, you're stealing a death certificate.

That's some serious scam-artist shit.

I know you need money, but...

never thought you'd do something like this.

Sam, no, I-I'm not --

I'm not stealing anything except for a piece of paper.

I'm not trying to scam anyone.

I'm in trouble.

I'm leaving.

I-I have to, or I'll...

When I leave,

Kevin can't be able to find me.

I need to be gone for good.

So, um...

I'm faking my own death.

♪♪

[Chuckles]

[Cellphone buzzes]

Hey.

It's the security footage from Vermont, right?

11-21-20?

No, no, no, send it over.

I've been waiting for it.

Yeah.

Thanks.

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

You're not gonna tell anyone, are you? I'm not gonna tell anyone.

[Electricity crackles]

♪♪

I realized that this empty diner

is the perfect spot to spend a blackout.

You're leaving me?

[Mocks crying]

Sam got me the number of the shady guy at city hall.

I'm getting the death certificate.

Okay.

[Knock on door]Police!

[Siren wails]

Shouldn't we stop and talk about this?

Where has that ever gotten us?

Oh.

♪♪

♪

♪♪

♪♪