Original subtitles

Contrary to popular belief, the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo

wasn't racist.

It was racial.

There's a difference.

Mr. Aquino,

passing notes and giggling?

Not on my watch.

"Could the postcolonial reconstruction

of the American Southwest be any cooler?"

How dare you be sarcastic with me!

Mr. Wallace, it's sincere.

I'm that nerdy.

How's this for sincere?

Extra reading tonight.

On Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.

Oh, man!

MR. WALLACE: Dissect the Rosenbergs' timeline

and see how it lines up with the show The Americans.

Passing notes is a slippery slope.

Hi, Teach.

You bored me to death!

Oh, God! Ahh!

Oh, God! Ahh! Oh, God.

Oh, my God. That was so cool.

I'm your sub, Mr. Boner, and I'm hard for history.

I don't-- I don't deserve to die.

Oh, God! Oh, God! - Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

We still good to try that new WWE-themed ice cream place,

Stone Cold Creamery?

Gimme a hell yeah!

Hey. Chrissy, right?

Arabella, don't hurt us!

One of us could be the person to solve global warming.

You know my name?

That skeleton thing you did was so dank.

Like, such a subversion of Western hegemony.

Oh, yeah, that's, uh,

my least favorite kind of hegemony.

We're protesting fast fashion at Camry's later.

You should come. - Uh, yeah.

Okay, I'll be there.

TTYL, Chrissy.

We have to stop at Forever 21.

I'm gonna hang out with Arabella and her friends today?

Sure, she's popular, but what's the big deal?

They're somebody. People remember their names.

They're not just "new girl." Oh, God.

What do I wear to protest fast fashion?

What's slow? A turtleneck?

You mean after we get ice cream, right?

The flavors will put you in a suplex.

- Cool if we reschedule? - Totally.

TTYL.

LOL, NP...

if "LOL, NP" stood for

"Losing one's laughter. Nihilism, pain."

So, uh, don't forget it's our weekly deer skinning tonight.

Gonna show you how to remove soft tissue from the hide.

Ugh, vom.

Okay, can you just put down that book

and eat your breakfast?

It's the novelization of Parasite.

And breakfast is a social construct.

Last week, you wanted dinosaur-shaped pancakes,

and now you're protesting the idea of breakfast?

Some of us are interested in growth,

not just being a shill.

I literally support anarchy.

That outfit is anarchy.

All right, Chrissy, what has gotten into you?

Stop calling me that.

My girlfriends call me Skelli-Trash Bride.

Wait a minute--you don't have any friends that are girls.

I have more of a life outside of this house than you think.

Coming from the girl who took Erwin to the fall dance?

- I'm right here. - Whatever!

I'm gonna be late. Bye.

Wait a minute. Who is driving you to school?

Are they old enough? - My friend Camry.

And she repeated eighth grade three times, so yeah.

Maybe your new friends like your shitty attitude,

but I don't.

Don't touch me.

I wanna hang out with people my own age,

not skin deer with some ancient, dried out hag.

Oh, by the way, Chrissy took one of your Wiccan tools

earlier. - What?

Why the fuck didn't you say something sooner?

Maybe don't shit on me

for being someone's fall dance date.

That little fucking brat.

And where does she get off calling me a hag?

I am 34.

Thank you very much.

Haruch vas divinite!

Hey, Laura, I'm joining a rec softball team.

You in? Oh, God. What's this?

I'm borrowing youth from this baby.

So you're taking this hag thing hard, huh?

Chrissy took a Wiccan tool

that can conjure the darkest evils,

and it's all because of those popular girls.

She's only listening to them,

so I have to transform myself into an actual tween

to get through to her. - Oh.

Well, when you put it like that,

this kidnapping is actually cool and normal.

Oh, grow up.

They're in a state of deep slumber.

They might as well be in a spa right now.

This is gonna be painful for me.

Lock the garage door.

No matter how much I beg you, do not open it.

All right, but later,

I get to do one weird thing in the garage.

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ!

Erwin, this wasn't worth it! I'll Let Chrissy die!

Please open the garage!

Would it kill you to smile?

I promised Chrissy a weekend

of gambling and smoking cigars.

- Ah, hold up, hold up.

I'm getting a text.

"Hey, Dad.

"Can't make this weekend.

Have a crazy school project."

Grimacing emoji.

"Working at Bennigan's." What?

I'm being upstaged by the fucking yo-yo kid?

Son of a bitch, pulling the ol'

"school project" routine on me?

It's code for butt stuff.

Snake with Arms, cadaver.

Oh, God! I killed an armadillo!

Fucking stairs...

All right, you sick fuck.

Ahh! Zombie armadillo!

It's me, the Devil, in a dead armadillo.

Wait, what do you want from me?

Are--are we friends now? - Where is she?

I heard about your "school project," perv.

Your pee-pee's getting the guillotine.

I guess that was her cover.

I haven't seen Chrissy in days.

Ever since she got popular.

What the f--

When did this happen?

Tell me everything you know, now!

This week! What's wrong?

Popular people are a menace to society.

And this is me talking.

I've seen this crap play out for hundreds of years.

First, she's popular in middle school.

Then she joins a middle tier sorority in college.

Before you know it, she's married

to some dick-nose named Trent

who works in mergers and acquisitions.

She'll be so wrapped up in that kind of shit,

she'll lose sight of what's really important in life.

- Her real friends-- - Universal supremacy!

There's gotta be something we can do, right?

Nah. We can't do shit.

Chrissy's popular now.

She won't listen to anyone except...

a more popular kid.

You're gonna possess someone more popular and get her back?

You kidding? If I possess,

Chrissy will sniff me out.

I got it! You.

- What? - Only you can help her.

No, no, no. I can't become popular.

I'm more of a wallflower.

Not just popular,

the kind of kid she doesn't use as a cover story.

Plus, she seems to like you.

Or she did, at least.

You know what?

Let's make me the coolest gosh-darn kid

this town has ever seen.

Now you're talkin', Benny!

All right, Laura.

You're wiser and hotter than these morons.

I'll have Chrissy back before lunch.

Just a reminder,

Principal Dawkins is holding a safety assembly

in the theater this afternoon

on the new dangers of teenager-ness.

Attendance is mandatory.

Hi. Where can I find Chrissy Feinberg?

I'm her lab partner.

Why don't you just text her?

Uh, because cell phones are brain poison.

Read a book, you dumb idiot.

Whoa, uncool. Weaponizing intelligence?

Not a behavior I wanna see normalized.

- Are you all right? - I just feel so gaslit.

Get away from us, toxic new girl.

Aw, wait, come on, come on.

I--I didn't mean...

Wait a minute, why do I give a shit?

Stupid fuckin' teen spell,

making me all hormonal and emotional.

- You vape? - Sometimes.

You know it gives you popcorn lung.

- What are you, my mom? - Uh, me? No--

I'm Abigail Carter-Lange, new in town,

no discernible past, so don't bother looking me up.

- Okay? - So what's the haps, huh?

Where do the, uh, cool kids go to let loose

and play with otherworldly artifacts?

Are you confused?

Is toxic new girl bothering you?

No, she just, like--

Who made those braces, Amtrak?

Those shoes should come with a Content Warning.

Let's leave before toxic new girl

tries to red-pill us.

Well, who made your shoes, huh?

Amtrak?

Damn it.

"Slimm Timm"?

Who the hell is Slimm Timm?

All right, first step in making you cool as shit

was getting you this cool-as-shit hat.

I will agree with you, sir, on this.

This hat is super cool. - Keep it on.

I'm gonna pull your hair to control you.

Ooh, like Ratatouille.

If you don't shut up, you're gonna fuck up my whole plan.

Oh, and--and what is your plan, sir?

Let's just say you're about to look

like the biggest badass in middle school history.

Now mush.

Whoa, wait. H-how?

I started a credible rumor that you're banging

the hottest teacher in school.

Wait. You what?

Miss Rainy, you are utterly depraved!

How could you? - Principal Dawkins,

I swear those photos aren't real.

Bennigan, please. Tell the truth.

Of course. The truth is...

That I nailed Ms. Rainy

in ways that would make God cry.

Oh, God.

Please, no! Please, no! That is so messed up.

She was my favorite teacher, and now she's a perv.

I don't get it.

Why aren't people worshipping you?

You told people that I slept with a teacher.

- That's cool. - That's not cool!

It's a heinous crime!

Poor Miss Rainy.

What are they gonna do to her?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

All press is good press.

As long as people are talking.

- "Slimm Timm."

W-w-w-w-w-wowy kazowee,

shizbags!

Aye! Aye!

Kamerickle Spurkles

with all the latest tea

on the cray and creepy.

Hold onto yer tables and piss on this!

Slimm Timm.

Teens across the world posted stories

of a slender man who roams the globe

in search of young hearts to devour.

How the hell don't I know this freak?

It's my whole thing.

The more you believe in him,

the more real he becomes.

A tulpa. Fuck. Of course.

Acolytes will often offer him

their weakest member in exchange

for his eternal love and admiration.

Don't forget to smash Subscribe

for more sick vids and dank memes.

Those bitches are gonna sacrifice Chrissy.

Hey, you, where in this school

do kids go to do dark shit, huh?

Tell me now. Come on.

That depends who you're referring to.

Manga girls read guro under the bleachers.

Then you got the art kids, total smackheads.

Okay, okay. Well, what about the popular girls?

Always something new with them.

Just look at their ShitSta page.

They'll post all their dark shit there.

The fuck is...

Look, if that's some social media bullshit,

there's no way Chrissy has one of those.

Chrissy Feinberg?

Uh, yes, she does.

Her page is growing in numbers as we speak.

Climbing to the top ten student body influencers

in just under three days, and--

Save it for your podcast, loser, and show me.

She likes free jazz?

Since when?

Hey, guys, sorry I haven't posted in forever.

Laura's been sucking the life out of me.

Can't wait to get out of the hag's prison

and into my happy place, hangin' with my girlies.

Hey, where is this?

The old boiler room.

It's the tragic and haunted site

where they take kids to get bullied.

Nearly 40 years ago, they went too far--

Oh, my God, I'm gonna turn your ribcage into a lampshade.

Shut up and tell me where the fuck it is.

Look, I want to get popular

and talk some sense into Chrissy

just as much as you do, sir--

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah.

But we can't hurt anyone. Deal?

This idea's harmless.

See those cool kids over there cutting class?

Yeah. We're gonna

do one of those viral pranks

that kids love to make you look like a fuckin' stud.

Okay. And we're gonna do this by...

On my signal, a team of Beast Guards

are gonna beat the shit out of that cool kid.

I mean, really decimate the guy.

Then I figure you jump out, strip to your undies,

dive into a kiddie pool of tapioca pudding,

and you will yell "swag" or "kazooie."

Wha--no!

H-how is that a prank to you?

Beating someone within an inch of their life?

Holy shit, kid.

You are fuckin' hopeless.

First, it's, "Ew, sex with teachers is a crime."

- It is. - Now you're against pranks.

This isn't the '80s, Mr. Satan, sir, okay?

Why can't we just get popular by being like a decent person?

All right, you don't wanna listen to me?

Try it. Be decent.

Let's watch you crash and burn, dipshit.

Fine. Respectfully, I will.

What do you want? We're ditching class.

Beat it. - Hey, I've been there.

Skipping class is just a way to say,

"Hey. I'm so, so scared,

and in my life, this is the one thing I can control."

But Brian, hey.

Look at me, bud. Look at me.

You. Are. Valid.

I'm so afraid of the future.

Sometimes I feel invisible, and this is the only way

I feel seen. - Shh, shh, shh. I gotcha.

Ol' Benny Boy Superstar's gotcha.

You are the single coolest kid I've ever met.

Welcome, king.

STUDENT 1: Yeah! No, he is cool.

STUDENT 2: Emotional maturity is the tits.

- Holy shit. - That worked? That worked!

I never thought to just talk to the popular people.

Big deal, "kazooie" would've accomplished the same thing,

but with more sex appeal.

Now for phase two.

You ever see someone and think, man,

that looks just like the child version

of somebody I used to nail?

I--I never thought that.

Skelli-Trash Bride, hurry up

and sit your sacrificial ass on that pentagram.

You got it... Bish.

You don't call her bish!

Sorry. Sage Dragomire.

I can't believe she chose dungeons and dipshits over me.

And as your principal, I am obligated to speak up

about the latest trend I'm seeing,

worshipping the occult.

You are not "the daughters of the witches

they could not burn," all right?

You're 12. - Whoo-ey.

Wow, popularity really is a trip.

So what's the plan?

Do I pull Chrissy aside and we do a heart-to-heart

about how, popular or not,

true friends will-- - No, no.

Get up on stage and read this speech I wrote.

"Friends, as the new popular kid,

"I must warn you about the scourge

"that is Chrissy Feinberg.

"Her impression of Charles Barkley

is the most racist thing I've ever seen"?

Wait, wait, no.

You want to cancel your own daughter?

It's for her own good.

But what about being kind?

That's how we got cool in the first place.

I did opiates with Rasputin. Don't lecture me about "cool."

Now get up there and read the damn speech.

- She'll be a pariah. - Good.

All the more reason for her to ditch the mortal bullshit

and make chaos reign with me. - Wow.

You're so insecure that she has other people in her life

you'd rather she be totally alone.

Which means I make you insecure

because I have a real connection with her,

and you don't. - You little fuckin'...

All right, all right. Look.

I'm not gonna mince words here.

Read the speech, or I'll murder

your whole family.

Hey, everybody.

The new cool kid Bennigan should give a speech.

Speech! Speech!

Oh, Slimm Timm, hear my plea.

We call you forth as witches three.

With tainted blood, we sacrifice,

to hear your call as cold as ice.

Please accept this mortal coil,

bone to dust, and soul to soil.

Deus mar varicht. Deus mar varicht.

Ugh! God, these girls are amateurs.

Deus mar varicht.

Oh, shit, it's working.

Yippee-ki-yi-yay...

Here I come. Here comes Slimm Timm.

Tumm Timmy Tumm.

I can growl too, bitch.

- Whoa! Hey.

Hey, guys.

Crazy seeing you all round here.

Got lost looking for the bathroom.

Whazzup?

What the-- where is he, Chrissy?

It didn't work.

We rehearsed your fake sacrifice all week.

Fake? You said

your Wiccan tools could help us summon Slimm Timm

so we could finally hold him accountable

for all those young girls he preyed on.

I know, I'm sorry.

I-I used my powers to make me look half-dead.

It should have lured him to me.

The only thing it lured was that toxic new girl.

What a waste.

See you never, Chrissy.

Hey.

So Arabella ditched you, huh?

I guess she really sucks.

Sorry, who are you?

Abigail, from earlier?

I just wanna be alone right now.

And I'm the one that sucks.

I screwed up.

That's not true.

Plus, who cares what they think?

I thought I raised you--I...

I thought you'd be cooler than trying to impress bullies.

Maybe this sounds stupid,

but I moved around so much growing up

that I never had girlfriends my own age.

So I guess when they noticed me,

it felt like it might be my only chance to have friends.

See ya.

I really am a fuckin' hag.

Store-bought cloves? Come on.

No one even bothers to forage their own shit anymore.

Bunch of posers.

It's like, are we trying to be real witches

or make a fucking pie?

Hmm?

Oh, fuck.

Where the hell did he go?

Fuck. Fuck. Chrissy!

Uh... what's up, guys?

We love you, Bennigan!

Hmm. I...I just, uh... wanted to say...

Stay on the script, you--

I...I...

Think about your mother.

Think about your father.

I'm gonna kill your family.

I can't do it. Ah!

Can't do what? I've had a crazy 48.

I used to think I was a pretty good person,

that I used to be someone who cared about his friends.

I was ready to throw that all away.

Well, I'm done being a pushover.

I'm done lying.

STUDENT 1: You just revealed an armadillo.

STUDENT 2: Yeah, that doesn't mean anything to us.

I'm done taking orders from you.

I'd rather Chrissy blow me off until the end of time

than say those mean things.

Huh. What are you gonna do, twerp?

You're still the same nerdy bitch, Bennigan.

Oh, yeah? Well, you forgot

the most important part of being a nerd.

What's that?

Always carry a writing utensil.

STUDENT 3: Armadillo murderer!

STUDENT 4: Not cool!

Wait, no, no, no.

I can explain.

That Armadillo did a Charles Barkley impression,

and it's the most racist thing I've ever seen.

STUDENT 5: Hell yeah! STUDENT 6: Very cool!

STUDENT 7: That's my Bennigan!

We should get Sasquatch next.

I've never seen him wear pants.

OMG!

I totally just screamed.

It's Slimm Timm.

I thought it was Pete Davidson.

Run!

Strong women don't avoid

tough challenges, Skelli-Trash.

Get in formation, girls.

It's time to hold him accountable.

Whatever. Hey, Slimm Timm, over here!

It's me you want. - Slimm Timm?

More like Dimm Timm.

You're an ageless being who exploits tweens.

Literally grow up.

Piggybacking off that, Slimm Timm,

have you ever heard of toxic parasocial

sexual power dynamics?

Now you die.

Enough talk.

Time to take action.

Can someone please help?

This is a contemplative think piece

for Vulture

that not only enumerates your crimes,

but puts the media on trial for their complicit--

Whoa, nice hit.

If we somehow survive this,

I'm gonna be a social pariah.

When I was your age, I had the same fears.

But if you're true to yourself,

the right friends will come along.

Wait, aren't we both 13?

Uh, no. I'm 14.

I shall devour you all.

Hey. No heavy petting.

Mortal tools cannot kill Slimm Timm.

Wait. Y'all manifested him, right?

It's like that Stephen King miniseries.

Just stop believing in him.

I don't believe. I don't believe.

Ahh, I fucked up!

He's not Tinkerbell.

The only way to destroy him...

Is with the tool that summoned him.

Was about to say that.

Shit. Shit!

What the phrase? What was it?

Um, "revi", or, uh, "rembi--"

- Reverterte. - Reverterte unde venisti.

That was fucking awesome.

Accountability does not equal violence.

Not cool, Chrissy.

In some ways, you're worse than Slimm Timm.

You're welcome.

You, uh... you okay?

I'm fine.

Except I nearly got us both killed

so I could have somewhere to sit at lunch.

You think that's bad?

At Matt Levy's bar mitzvah,

I once drank my own pee on a dare.

Hey, um, have you ever been to Jake's Pizza?

They have the best breadsticks.

We should, uh, go sometime.

Yeah, that would be...

Oh, shit.

- Where are you going? - I forgot!

I'm, uh, babysitting tonight.

And every night! I'm a teen mom!

Don't look for me.

Bye.

Damn, she's fast.

Oh, wow, I feel like I've been asleep for 6,000 years.

I feel fucking great.

Hey, Bennigan, way to hold that racist accountable.

Bennigan, yo. Yeesh. You okay?

Yeah. Long story. You?

Yeah, same.

Hey, so, uh, normally I wouldn't say anything,

but you blew me off all last week,

and that wasn't cool.

I'm sorry. I just got so caught up

in being popular and-- - No, I get it.

You're trying so hard to become popular

that before you know it,

you're slaughtering an armadillo

in front of a group of your peers.

Huh.

I know we couldn't go earlier,

so I managed to sneak your favorite.

The Macho Man Candy Savage flavor?

Ooh, yeah.

Bennigan wrecked my shit.

What, so Chrissy could ice me out of Armageddon?

Pass.

That weirdo cares more about her

than I realized.

That might be, as the kids say...

problematic.

Look, before you can say anything, I'm sorry.

You were right. Those girls were just trouble.

We could spend the weekend

skinning that deer like you wanted.

Eh, you should be with your friends, you know?

Go see a movie with Bennigan

or get breadsticks from Jake's Pizza.

Does this mean I'm not grounded?

Get out of here before I change my mind.

Oh, my gosh. Thanks, Mom.

I'll be back later.

At least we still have each o...

Whatever.

"Hey, Erwin, how was your whole

heartwarming comeback saga with your rec softball league?"

"Good, thanks for asking."

Dick.