All language subtitles for Brassic s04e04 Exotic Zoo.eng

(SCREECH)

The Psychic Vine. What the fuck does
he want to meet us here for, eh?

Fuck knows.

Did you not ask him?

Did you not ask him?

No. It was fucking via text.
Via text, he says,

as if it's not possible,

as if it's not possible,

to propose a question through
the medium of the typed word.

It is fucking hard to propose
a medium through a...

I'm fucking bad, I'm dyslexic,
aren't I? You are. You are.

I'm fucking bad, I'm dyslexic,
aren't I? You are. You are.

Do you know what I mean?
That predictive text shit.

Does my fucking... Does my head in.

It's like when you...you messaged
me. "Been to see Tyler and Erin.

It's like when you...you messaged
me. "Been to see Tyler and Erin.

So glad to see their smiling
faeces." (LAUGHTER)

Oh, fucking hell, here he is.

Oh, fucking hell, here he is.

Shit!
Vincent. Thomas.

You all right, Davey?
You brought the weed?

Yeah. Ask him, then.
No, YOU fucking ask him.

Yeah. Ask him, then.
No, YOU fucking ask him.

Ask him. Why are we meeting
outside a crystal bollocks shop?

Clara Marie. My clairvoyant.

Clairvoy...?
Clairvoyant? Clairvoyant.

Clairvoy...?
Clairvoyant? Clairvoyant.

The best things in life are free

But you can give them
to the birds and bees

But you can give them
to the birds and bees

I need money
(That's what I want)

(HUMS AND MURMURS)

(EXHALES AND SNIFFS)

(EXHALES AND SNIFFS)

Aw. yes I am seeing...
a fruitful partnership.

I'm seeing wealth and prosperity.

I'm seeing wealth and prosperity.

your business interests are
getting stronger.

Oh, but wait.
There's betrayal from...

Oh, but wait.
There's betrayal from...

..a bald man.

(INHALES)

Hm... Oh, wait. It's fading.

Hm... Oh, wait. It's fading.

Ooh... No. It's not strong.

Wait. Oh, where are you going,
you shit?

Wait. Oh, where are you going,
you shit?

No, come back... Hang on.

Wait.

Oh, sorry. No, it's fucked off.

Oh, sorry. No, it's fucked off.

Did you not get anything?

Well, there was a man, on the floor.
Possibly the bald man.

And it felt like...it was
the last day of his life.

Did it?
Thank you, Clara. As always.

Did it?
Thank you, Clara. As always.

Right, Vincent, you're up next.
No, no. No, thank you.

I appreciate that, but I'd rather
my future be a surprise.

I appreciate that, but I'd rather
my future be a surprise.

We're both good. Thank you.
I'll go. No. No.

Be my guest. Thinning a bit
up on top there, Vincent.

Right. OK.

Right. OK.

Fucking hell!
Good God, man! That's disgusting.

(DAVE AND ANSELL COLLINS PLAYS)

That's good. That's very, very good.

That's good. That's very, very good.

Nice one. Thank you very much.

I don't want to patronise you,
just take your time on it, love.

it's pretty fucking strong stuff,
to be honest with you. Calm down.

So, tell the boys the plan.

So, tell the boys the plan.

The plan. The plan? Oh, the plan!

My partner's best friend
- Manolito Calvo -

My partner's best friend
- Manolito Calvo -

is having a party tomorrow night
at his marvellously stupid house,

and he is looking for a new supplier
for his online weed operation

and he is looking for a new supplier
for his online weed operation

that's currently turning over
two million a year.

Fucking hell.
I propose... (SNIFFS)

I propose...

I propose...

See what I mean?
Do you see what I mean?

No-one ever listens to a fucking
word I say. Vincent!

No-one ever listens to a fucking
word I say. Vincent!

WE are gonna go to this party
- all three of us -

so cancel your plans
and dress flamboyantly.

so cancel your plans
and dress flamboyantly.

Is there any other way?
(CHUCKLES) Beware of the bald man.

Just get her a Calippo or
something, she's in a bad way.

Come on.
Still got half a brew.

Come on.
Still got half a brew.

Put the fucking brew down.
(WINDCHIMES TINKLE)

Balding, not baldy.

Oi! What the fuck is going on here?

You know full well!

The council wrote to you.
When was this? Months back.

The council wrote to you.
When was this? Months back.

Shite, shite, shite, shite.

Farms have to adapt.
We're like sharks,

we've got to keep moving forward
to survive.

we've got to keep moving forward
to survive.

Just fucking talk normal.
What are you building?

Petting zoo. And cafeteria.

A fucking petting zoo?
And cafeteria.

Google it - children, alpacas,
bouncy castle, cake.

And Google this - "Farm owners
rolling around in money."

And Google this - "Farm owners
rolling around in money."

£2 for a bucket of carrots.

They'll be paying ME
to feed the animals!

You can't just fucking...
What?

You can't just fucking...
What?

We share a road.

I don't want it clogged up
with four-by-fours

and pony-faced fucking cunts
bringing their fucking kids

and pony-faced fucking cunts
bringing their fucking kids

to stroke bastard guinea pigs.

Jealousy, jealousy.
You should have thought of it first.

While I'm lounging around
on my yacht, you'll be over there,

While I'm lounging around
on my yacht, you'll be over there,

shovelling cow shit.

Oi! Paslowski!
Are them immigrants?

Oi! Paslowski!
Are them immigrants?

We fucking left!
You lot shouldn't even be here!

Carry on, lads.

Come on. Oh, get on with it.

Come on. Oh, get on with it.

Ohhh!
(ALL CHEER AND GO WILD)

They wanted flamboyant, and fuck me,
did we give 'em flamboyant.

They wanted flamboyant, and fuck me,
did we give 'em flamboyant.

I like it.
I think you'd suit that, JJ.

I'd rather fucking die.

Well, sweetheart, before you do,
grab your car keys, cos you're driving us there.

Well, sweetheart, before you do,
grab your car keys, cos you're driving us there.

I feel like a complete fucking dick.
Have I overdone it?

Do you want an honest answer?
Not really, no.

Do you want an honest answer?
Not really, no.

Right, well, you look great, then.
You're a knobhead! Dick!

Avante!
Fuck!

Vin?
What, love? Be careful.

Vin?
What, love? Be careful.

I'm not happy with you
getting into bed with those idiots.

Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.
Well, I... You're gorgeous.

Bugger off. What the fuck?
No. No, not you.

Bugger off. What the fuck?
No. No, not you.

What you got there, Cardi?

This is a present for you.
For us.

Present? Mighty. What is it?

Present? Mighty. What is it?

Well, now that we are married,
of course,

and I know we got the dog
and a pigeon and a llama and that,

but I saw this on eBay and I thought
it would be good p-practice

but I saw this on eBay and I thought
it would be good p-practice

for when we...
For when we what?

Oh, Jesus Christ!
What the fuck is that?

Oh, Jesus Christ!
What the fuck is that?

Is that a baby simulator?

It burps, it cries, it pisses,
it even shits itself.

It's amazing.
You've gotta wear one of these,

so that when it cries, you know
which thing it is that needs attending to.

so that when it cries, you know
which thing it is that needs attending to.

But you can turn it off,
if you don't want to be -

No, no you, can't turn it off.
It stays on.

It's got a chip in its head and it's
designed to act like a real baby.

It's got a chip in its head and it's
designed to act like a real baby.

We get a report at the end of
month, telling us what to improve on

for when we do it for real. Oh, my
God, I love it. Can I hold him?

for when we do it for real. Oh, my
God, I love it. Can I hold him?

Course you can. Be my guest, Sugar.

Be careful with the head.

Asian. Asian baby.

Asian. Asian baby.

You couldn't have brought me
a fucking handbag or something?

You look delightful.
Overdone it.

You look delightful.
Overdone it.

Look at this bullshit here.

That's er, a gay icon. Is it fuck!
That's fucking Vladimir Putin!

Vladimir Putin,

Vladimir Putin,

bare-chested, on horseback
in the Siberian wilderness,

has brought plenty of men
to completion.

That's a fucking carton.
Betty Boo's a cartoon!

Betty Boo. Betty Boo.

Betty Boo. Betty Boo.

Jazz Age lesbian.
Look at these here.

Vincent. Thomas. You made it, then.

Don't you look marvellous.

Don't you look marvellous.

You fucking tricked me, man!
I look like a knobhead.

You're wanted.

Holy fuck, dude,
check this fucking place out, man.

Holy fuck, dude,
check this fucking place out, man.

He's got his own pool.
He's got a fucking maze.

He's got a maze!
What kind of man has a maze?

Here they are. You all right, lads.

Come in. Welcome, please...

Come in. Welcome, please...

do join me. It's wet and it's warm.
That's how I like it.

I'm just gonna have a minute.
Just gonna take it all in.

I'm just gonna have a minute.
Just gonna take it all in.

Get in the tub.
I assume you've brought the sample.

Yes, I have, yeah.

But just go easy on it when you
smoke it. It's fucking strong stuff.

But just go easy on it when you
smoke it. It's fucking strong stuff.

Clara tells me it's the finest weed
she ever smoked.

Well, you know.
Let's not oversell it.

It's excellent, Manolito.

It's excellent, Manolito.

What you saying, then?
Willies in or out?

As nature intended.
Why even ask?

You don't have to ask me twice.

How much of this can you supply?

We do a reasonable amount already.
It's just fucking space.

As much as you need.
Whatever.

I need a LOT. Then a lot is what
we will give you.

I need a LOT. Then a lot is what
we will give you.

Isn't that right, Vincent?
Yeah... Yeah, yeah.

This is very very good.

I'm certain
we can do some business together.

Fantastident.
This calls for a top-up.

Oh... Oh-ho-ho!

Oh... Oh-ho-ho!

Fucking, your garden, mate. It's
unreal, you've got a maze, man!

I have a man that looks after it.

I have a man that looks after it.

What about them outhouses down
there? What's in them?

That's my zoo.
You haven't got a zoo?

Absolutely zoo.
It's my special exotic animal zoo.

Absolutely zoo.
It's my special exotic animal zoo.

You want to see it?
Fucking hell, we gotta see it. Fucking right we do.

We'll go.
Jason! Tyler! Bring me the robes.

We'll go.
Jason! Tyler! Bring me the robes.

I call her Carol Basking.
Cos she like to bask in the sun.

(LAUGHS)
I'm a bit like Dr Doolittle,

(LAUGHS)
I'm a bit like Dr Doolittle,

I talk with the animals,
walk with the animals,

grunt and squeak with the animals.

This is amazing. If people ask us,
can you speak Rhinoceros,

This is amazing. If people ask us,
can you speak Rhinoceros,

we'd say 'Of courserous!"
Can't you? (LAUGHTER)

I like this guy.

I like this guy.

These are my pride and joy.

See this guy? Horatio.
My personal favourite.

Is he happy in there?
Shouldn't he be out, you know,

Is he happy in there?
Shouldn't he be out, you know,

swinging about with the wildebeest
or so on?

They love it here. Love it!

They demand a lot of attention
and I give it to them.

They demand a lot of attention
and I give it to them.

Here. Watch.
You're gonna get him out?

Horatio?

Come on. Very good boy.
Isn't he a cutie, uh?

Bloody hell! See, he does as daddy
tells him to do.

Bloody hell! See, he does as daddy
tells him to do.

(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

Oh, dude!

It's a good look.
Is it? Does it suit me?

It's a good look.
Is it? Does it suit me?

I'll tell you what, you look regal.
Ah, he likes you1

I fucking like him, man.
He's so fucking cool. Fantastic.

I fucking like him, man.
He's so fucking cool. Fantastic.

They are, uh, like my children,
and I love every last one of them.

There is one animal
I would like to show Vinnie, alone.

There is one animal
I would like to show Vinnie, alone.

How about me and you
go for a little drink, Thomas?

How about me and you
go for a little drink, Thomas?

Come on. Where's this animal?

I like a man with tattoos, Vincent.

I find it, er, very erotic.

I find it, er, very erotic.

And I think your face is
very, very cute. Oh!

I know you're not gay,
I am not gay...

I know you're not gay,
I am not gay...

I go left, I go right.
Animal, mineral, vegetable...

I like what I like.

Deep inside,
every man is a little bit gay.

Deep inside,
every man is a little bit gay.

Er...

Do you know, I'm inclined
to agree with you, actually.

Do you know, I'm inclined
to agree with you, actually.

I reckon you're right.
Good.

Woah. Where you going?

Mate, listen, we can't be sucking
each other off, bruv.

Do you not think it's just better,
just keep this,

Do you not think it's just better,
just keep this,

just keep this strictly business?

No. No.
I don't.

You don't wanna do that? OK.
Tom?

You don't wanna do that? OK.
Tom?

(BRASH MUSIC)

(BRASH MUSIC)

(GUNSHOT)
Fuck!

(GUNSHOT)
Fuck!

Who's there?
(GUNSHOT)

Fuck. Come out or I'll have no
option but to carry on shooting.

Fuck. Come out or I'll have no
option but to carry on shooting.

Fucking hell.
What the fuck are you doing here?

Stopping you
and all your immigrant pals

Stopping you
and all your immigrant pals

from building a fucking
illegal petting zoo. And cafeteria!

And fuck...cafeteria.

And it's not illegal.
Permission was sought and granted.

And it's not illegal.
Permission was sought and granted.

So dance, monkey boy, dance.
(FIRES SHOT)

Stupid blonde arsehole!

Argh! Argh! Me foot!
Jim? Call an ambulance!

Shit.
Stupid Polish cunt! Ow!

Shit.
Stupid Polish cunt! Ow!

Bang out of line, this.
Bang out of line.

See you, then.

See you, then.

Nice lads.
What ha... What happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

He says...

"Let me suck you off. Deal done."
That's what he says to me.

"Let me suck you off. Deal done."
That's what he says to me.

Can you believe that
fucking shit there?

Did you not let him?
Course I f...

Course I didn't let him
suck me off!

Why the fuck not, Vinnie?

Why the fuck not, Vinnie?

Two million quid?
Are you fucking joking?

Couldn't you just let him
get on with it?

Think what you're saying.

You having a fucking laugh, man!

You shouldn't have to let
someone suck you off

You shouldn't have to let
someone suck you off

to get a fucking deal done.
Gay, straight or otherwise.

Violated in an exotic zoo.

Violated in an exotic zoo.

Fair point. Yeah.
Come on.

We're fucked now, aren't we, eh?
MacDonagh's gonna flip his lid.

How the fuck are we even
gonna get home?

How the fuck are we even
gonna get home?

I tell you what,
if he's fucking stupid

to turn down our high-grade weed,
then that's on him. On him!

to turn down our high-grade weed,
then that's on him. On him!

And I'll tell you
something else an' all.

I'm nicking that fucking zoo!
You what?

I'm nicking the fucking zoo.
I'm nicking it!

Fucking flip flops!
What's the point?

Fucking Polish prick
shot me in cold blood.

This is the thanks you get
for letting 'em come here

This is the thanks you get
for letting 'em come here

for making 'em welcome
in our green and pleasant land.

They take up arms and shoot you
through the metatarsical.

They take up arms and shoot you
through the metatarsical.

You didn't exactly welcome him,
did you?

Anyway, he was born in Barnsley.
Not the fucking point.

I'll tell you what the fucking point
is, Captain Haddock.

I'll tell you what the fucking point
is, Captain Haddock.

You fucking knocked over
his petting zoo, you knob.

And cafeteria.
And his cafeteria, you fuckwit.

And now he's put a fucking hole
through your foot.

And now he's put a fucking hole
through your foot.

How long's it gonna be before
that's sorted out?

Six weeks.
Fuck me.

Who's gonna milk the cows?
Who's gonna feed the pigs?

Who's gonna milk the cows?
Who's gonna feed the pigs?

I'll be destitute, and he'll be
living it up on cunt's carrot cash.

We could help out, couldn't we?
Ooh...

It's a kind offer,
but it's hard work, man's work.

It's a kind offer,
but it's hard work, man's work.

Is it?
Listen to him.

The fucking asthma wizard
of the north.

The fucking asthma wizard
of the north.

Giving it big licks like
it's a fucking hard job.

We can do it, can't we?
If you can do it, WE can do it!

(VIRTUAL BABY STARTS CRYING)

She needs changing. Excuse me.

Right. Well, that counts him out.
But the rest of you -

Hang on, hang on. I mean, I'd love
to, obviously, Jim,

Hang on, hang on. I mean, I'd love
to, obviously, Jim,

but, er, I am in fact the proprietor
of a mobile erotic parlour

and I mean business is, phwoar,
oooh... (LAUGHS) It's booming.

and I mean business is, phwoar,
oooh... (LAUGHS) It's booming.

Yeah, and I'm running a garage.
I'm in the pub most days.

Yeah. I... have to go...move...
Help move some cloth. over at...

Yeah. I... have to go...move...
Help move some cloth. over at...

It'll take all my strength
to move that there.

Fucking hell!

Fucking hell!

Honestly, I can believe his

and I can believe his
and I can believe his.

But yours just went on and on,
with zero fucking commitment.

But yours just went on and on,
with zero fucking commitment.

You don't even believe your lie!

You're all fucking doing it,
everyone of you.

Man, woman or tiny plastic foetus
covered in fucking weird hair,

Man, woman or tiny plastic foetus
covered in fucking weird hair,

we're in it together. Now you,
tell me what's involved, come on.

You'd do that for me?
Yeah, I would.

I don't want to do that for you.
I'm touched. You're good friends.

I don't want to do that for you.
I'm touched. You're good friends.

Just keep your hands off my food

and don't be looking in my bedroom
drawers.

All right. Now, I do have to look up
your urethra.

All right. Now, I do have to look up
your urethra.

Because the nurse...
I promised the nurse.

I just gotta get through the pubes.

SAM COOKE: Chain Gang

That's the style of the man

(BABY BAWLING)

Hey!

Hey!

For fuck sake, can you look at it?

It says on Jim's shitty
instructions, do it firmly!

It says on Jim's shitty
instructions, do it firmly!

JJ, I'm doing it firmly!

I don't wanna fucking hurt
her boobs, man. You know?

Here you are, check this out.
(GIRLS SQUEAL)

Cardi... Cardi, are you gonna
help us or what?

Dude, she needs feeding.
And then she needs winding.

Dude, she needs feeding.
And then she needs winding.

Where's Carol, can't Carol do it?

Carol did the fucking night,
she's exhausted.

(SNORING)

It's just a fucking doll!
I'm gonna throttle him!

It's just a fucking doll!
I'm gonna throttle him!

I'm gonna throttle him, Dylan!

Huh uh uh uh-uh uh

My work is so hard...

(ALL SHOUT AT CATTLE)

(ALL SHOUT AT CATTLE)

Lord God, Jesus Christ,

it's fucking hard work, innit?
Eh?

it's fucking hard work, innit?
Eh?

I've got new-found respect for that
skinny little twat.

He does this all on his own.

I can't do this anymore.
Me neither lads, I'm exhausted.

I can't do this anymore.
Me neither lads, I'm exhausted.

I think I've got an idea.

Didn't Jim say Shirley was
building a petting zoo? And a cafeteria.

Fuck me. And cafeteria.

And?
Back in half an hour.

And?
Back in half an hour.

Shall we put a brew on?
We'll get a brew.

Cardi, come and have a brew with me,
love. Fuck me.

I'll take her.
No, I've got her.

No it's all right.
I've got her! All right...

Oh aye. Watch out, JJ, look like
Sugar's getting some ideas there.

We're having unprotected sex
actually, twice a week.

We're having unprotected sex
actually, twice a week.

It's a bit like Russian roulette,
but no gun.

Just a penis and a vagina.

This is Manolito's massive
stupid house.

This is his massive stupid garden.
Guess what? It's got a fucking maze.

A-maze-ing.
Dickhead.

A-maze-ing.
Dickhead.

Now, THAT'S the zoo.
That's where the crettings are kept.

But how are you gonna get
a dozen animals out of there?

It's not a problem - boxes, cages,
that kind of shit.

It's not a problem - boxes, cages,
that kind of shit.

This is my problem.
I don't know how the fuck to get in

this massive perimeter
bloody hedge fence thing.

If we do manage it,
at the back there's a gate.

If we do manage it,
at the back there's a gate.

That'll only open from the inside,
yeah, that's our way out.

Can I just say, for the record,
and I wnt it put in the minutes,

I do not approve of the
aforementioned exotic zoo heist.

I do not approve of the
aforementioned exotic zoo heist.

Yes, me neither.
Stealing fucking zoo animals

never ended well for us. I'll tell
you the reason we're doing it.

never ended well for us. I'll tell
you the reason we're doing it.

Is because, A, these animals
are worth a fucking fortune.

Because, he's a knob.
He is.

And three...
C!

It's fucking C. A, B, C, in't it?

It's fucking C. A, B, C, in't it?

Not A, B, Three. Can no-one
stick to a simple fucking system?

It's A, B, C, in't it?
Well, fucking three, then!

C!
C, then!

C!
C, then!

Fucking C, C! C!

Just fucking C. I've just forgotten
everything! (BABY CRIES)

What the mucky fuck is up
with that thing? Christ!

What the mucky fuck is up
with that thing? Christ!

Cardi, give it here,
let me change it. No, Tommo...

Hey Cardi, Cardi? Cardi? Cardigan?

I'm very good with children,
aren't I?

Come on. There we go, lovely. Aww!

Come on. There we go, lovely. Aww!

Get the head. Get the head.
I've got it. Don't worry.

Then you just go..
(CRYING CONTINUES) Tommo!

Then you just go..
(CRYING CONTINUES) Tommo!

Avante. What is wrong with you,
you fucking monster?

Given it something to cry about,
haven't I?

Given it something to cry about,
haven't I?

He's learning to parent, you dick!
Hang the fuck on a minute.

Am I in a fucking parallel universe?

Am I the only one who can see the
massive fucking elephant in the room,

sitting here
drinking a cup of tea with us?

Carol is nearly 50. Who the
fuck's he gonna have a baby with?

Shut up, you dickhead!
What do you...

You've just slam-dunked his Asian
baby on a fucking ammo crate!

You've just slam-dunked his Asian
baby on a fucking ammo crate!

He's trying to be a dad

and we have to break the shit
to him gentle.

and we have to break the shit
to him gentle.

Honesty is the best policy.

He's got more chance conceiving
with Alison, the fucking sex doll.

All right, just shush.
What kind of a maze is it?

All right, just shush.
What kind of a maze is it?

What do you mean,
what kind of a fucking ma...?

What is it made out of?
don't know what it's fucking...

trees, bushes, fucking hedges.
It's a maze!

trees, bushes, fucking hedges.
It's a maze!

That's a-maze-ing stuff!

Fuck dude. Shit!
Well, dude, there's your answer.

Over the hedge and into the maze.
As luck would have it.

Over the hedge and into the maze.
As luck would have it.

I'm fixing this contractor's van,
the one that fixes street lights,

I can let you lot up and over.
'Ey up! (ALL AGREE)

Oh. He's very good. Very good.

Oh. He's very good. Very good.

(SINGS) Very, very sexual. Very,
very sexual. Very, very sexual.

Very, very sexual.

Very, very sexual.

Very, very sexual.
Voila. Problem solved.

Who are they? What? Hired help.
Say hello to Codrin and his mates.

Who are they? What? Hired help.
Say hello to Codrin and his mates.

You all right, Codrin?
Hi. Jim'll lose his mind.

What Jim doesn't know
won't hurt him.

Where have you got the money,
though?

Where have you got the money,
though?

How're you gonna pay 'em?

Profits from the intended
sale of the exotic animals?

Hold on. Who the fuck is gonna buy
these buggers anyway?

Exotic animals?
Yeah. Exotic animals.

Do I look like a bloke that
deals in exotic animals?

No, you look like the walking
embodiment of gout. (LAUGHS)

No, you look like the walking
embodiment of gout. (LAUGHS)

What are they?

Different types.
Bloody monkey thing.

There's a massive emu.
There's a bleedin' skunk.

There's a massive emu.
There's a bleedin' skunk.

When was the last time you seen
a skunk? I'm looking at one.

Fucker. They're worth a fucking
fortune is what I'm saying.

And if you can find a buyer,
you'll get a cut.

And if you can find a buyer,
you'll get a cut.

How's them apples?
50-50.

5-50?
Are you out of your fucking mind?

10% is what you can have!

10%? That hurts, Vincent.
Have you heard this, Calvin?

10%? That hurts, Vincent.
Have you heard this, Calvin?

That hurts.
All right, then. 15. 15%.

That hurts.
All right, then. 15. 15%.

I think it's angina.
I fucking wish it was.

Shall I call an ambulance?
Pain's going down m arm.

All right, give over.
20% That's fair.

All right, give over.
20% That's fair.

Fuck off, Dan! 25.

I'm not going lower than 25,
you cunt.

Oh, mummy. Daddy.

Are you dead?
(GROANS)

Oh, no,
whatever will we do, Calvin?

He's finally passed
away from being an horrible cunt.

He's finally passed
away from being an horrible cunt.

30%, and that's me going out
on a limb. Fuck!

(TAPS PHONE KEYS)

(RINGING TONE)

Cardi, what's up? 'He's leaving
now.' Right, roger that.

He's wearing s-snake skin shoes.

He's wearing s-snake skin shoes.

Is that fucking relevant?

No, not really, no.
They're nice, though.

Jesus Christ!
Right, you lot, let's get going.

Jesus Christ!
Right, you lot, let's get going.

(PLATFORM WHIRS)

Hey. Hey. Hey. Jogger.
Jogger. Jogger.

Pretend you're like doing something.
Doing something? Doing what?

Pretend you're like doing something.
Doing something? Doing what?

Hello, you all right?

Evening.
How's it going? You all right?

How are you?
It's looking good.

Right, that'll do.
It's a bit high.

Hurry up, will you? You do it!
You're bigger than me.

And you're already up there!

And you're already up there!

Be careful now, man.

I can't believe we're lobbing
ourselves off an 'edge.

Just shut up,
it's the only way in, dude!

Just shut up,
it's the only way in, dude!

(GROANS, THUD)

You all right? Brambles just break
the shite out of my undercarriage!

He's not selling it, is he?
Fuck me.

He's not selling it, is he?
Fuck me.

(CLANK)

You all right?
Yeah.

Urgh! Shut the fuck up.

The secret to finding your way
out of a maze

is to put your hand on the right
side, keep touching it

is to put your hand on the right
side, keep touching it

and choose a direction.

Which way?
Left.

What? Left.
Go right.

Fucking brilliant. Tommo?
Fucking left.

Fucking brilliant. Tommo?
Fucking left.

Left it is.
We'll go left, then.

This isn't left. This is right.
Fuck me!

I'll just give Carol a call,
see how baby's getting on.

(DIALS)
(RINGING)

(DIALS)
(RINGING)

Fuck sake.

She's fine. How many
times are you gonna call me?

She's fine. How many
times are you gonna call me?

Is she sleeping?

She is.
I put her down about an hour ago

and then I took the dog out
for a walk. I'm fucking exhausted.

and then I took the dog out
for a walk. I'm fucking exhausted.

Wait. You put her down
and you left her in the house

while you took the dog out?
That's right. She was fast asleep.

Carol, you can't leave a baby
unattended in the house.

Carol, you can't leave a baby
unattended in the house.

What if something had happened?
Like what?

Like...

Like a fucking fire...
or someone stealing her...

Like a fucking fire...
or someone stealing her...

I don't know, Carol.
But that's one of the rules.

I'm back now
and she's fine there.

I have a nice of wine on the go.

I have a nice of wine on the go.

(LAUGHTER)

W-What's that noise?
What noise?

You're in the pub, aren't you?
No, no. I'm at home, I swear,

That's the telly that
you hear in the background.

No, no, no. Carol,
you can't be getting wasted.

No, no, no. Carol,
you can't be getting wasted.

I'm coming home.
What?

I-I-I'm coming back.
She needs her fucking father.

Fuck sake, he's coming back,
get them into you.

Fuck sake, he's coming back,
get them into you.

Shit!

OK? I'm going home, mate.

What?
I'm going home.

What?
I'm going home.

Mate, you can't just fucking bail.
We need your van for the animals.

Yeah, well, they can travel in the
transit, can't they?

Yeah, well, they can travel in the
transit, can't they?

I've got responsibilities, JJ.

Something you lot can't seem to get
your heads round.

Cardi, you can't...
Are you being fucking serious?

Wrong way. Go back. Go back.

Go on, get down there.

(GROANS)
Vinnie?

What the fuck are you doing?

(JAZZY MUSIC)

Right. This is it, then.

This is how we die, in't it?
In a fucking hedge.

They'll find our dishevelled
corpses over there by some cages

They'll find our dishevelled
corpses over there by some cages

and a fucking stun gun.

It's an ornamental maze, innit?

In a sex maniac's garden.
We can get out of this.

In a sex maniac's garden.
We can get out of this.

Oi, you, get the fuck up there.
Go and see if you can find the exit.

Why me?
Cos you're the lightest one.

Get the fuck up there, dude.

Get the fuck up there, dude.

Fine. But I want it taken down
in the notes

I'm not fucking happy about it.

He's gonna have to go on someone's
shoulders. He's ever so small.

He's gonna have to go on someone's
shoulders. He's ever so small.

Just lift him up!
(MOBILE RINGS)

JJ.
Where the fuck are you?

You just listen to me.
Get them fucking vans ready.

I've gone hedge blind over here.

Can you see the fucking way out?

Can you see the fucking way out?

I just need to get a little bit...
Argh! (CLATTER)

You got a light?
I'm trapped in brambles and thorns.

Help me, then!
Help me, you dickheads.

Help me, then!
Help me, you dickheads.

Now someone's gonna
have to save the saviour.

(GROANS)

Ow, you're fucking
right up my arsehole.

(GROANS AND GRUNTS)

(MOANS)

(MOANS)

(CRUNCH)
You all right?

Fuck me.
Look the exit's only two turns away.

Quick!

I Want Candy

(ANIMALS SQUEAKING)

(ANIMALS SQUEAKING)

Fuck me, look at the size of him.

(SCREECHING AND SQUEALING)

(SCREECHING AND SQUEALING)

(MOBILE RINGS)

Fucking Calvin. Knobhead.

Fucking Calvin. Knobhead.

Come on,
let's get the fuck out of here.

(ANIMAL CHITTERING)

Ash, Dildo, you go with JJ.
Tommy, get in the fucking van.

I want candy

I want candy

(SQUAWKING AND FLAPPING)
Fucking hell!

Wanted one fucking night off.

Wanted one fucking night off.

One night I just wanted to feel
free. Is that too much to ask?

You're a mother now, Carol.
No-one said it was gonna be easy.

You're a mother now, Carol.
No-one said it was gonna be easy.

It's all about self-sacrifice.

(BABY CRIES)

You see what you made me do?
Is it dead?

It's not fucking dead. It's...

It's not fucking dead. It's...

(FARTS)
Whack her in there, she'll be fine.

And now it's shit itself.
Well done, Carol.

Fucking hell.
It's not the fucking only one.

(BUZZER)

What do you want?
What do you mean, what do I want?

What do you want?
What do you mean, what do I want?

I've got the animals
for you and Dan?

He's not here.
What do you.... I tried calling you.

What the fuck do you mean
he's not here? Where is he?

What the fuck do you mean
he's not here? Where is he?

He's gone home. Buyer pulled out.

What the fuck?
Calvin, what did he say?

I tried calling you,
you didn't answer!

Because I was fucking stealing 'em,
Calvin!

Because I was fucking stealing 'em,
Calvin!

If you'd answered your phone,
you would've known that we didn't want 'em.

I couldn't fucking answer the phone,

because I was stealing
the shagging animals.

because I was stealing
the shagging animals.

Why couldn't have just left
a fucking message, like a normal human being?

Because I don't speak to machines.
Course not. Why would you?

You fucking...

(CRIES OUT) Back in, back inside.
(DOOR SLAMS)

(CRIES OUT) Back in, back inside.
(DOOR SLAMS)

All right, Tommo?

Are we done, then?

Get these dickheads out of the van.

We can't
because Chinese Dan has gone home

We can't
because Chinese Dan has gone home

and the fucking buyer's pulled out.

Calvin.
Did you not think to tell us?

Because I have had
the night from hell!

Because I have had
the night from hell!

I called him, he didn't answer.

Did you try leaving a message?
I don't speak to machines.

They're all recorded.
Them messages are on the system.

(FURIOUS) Don't speak to machines!

Now my trainers are wet, you cunt.

What we gonna do now, then? Cos
I've got a van load of exotic,

and going by their behaviour,

and going by their behaviour,

extremely fucking sexually charged
animals in there.

It's not my problem.

But if you wanna get out of them
torn clothes, you can come inside...

But if you wanna get out of them
torn clothes, you can come inside...

But it's not the moment for it,
is it, Calvin?

Will you knob off! Go on, get gone.
Get out of it, you pig.

Sexual predator.
He is a fucking predator.

Sexual predator.
He is a fucking predator.

(PHONE RINGS)
Shit!

Fuck me, it's Davey MacDonaugh.
Argh! Fuck! They're gonna know.

How the fuck would they know?
Just settle down a bit.

How the fuck would they know?
Just settle down a bit.

Answer it, then. Maybe YOU
answer it. It's your phone!

Just chill out! Just chill out!

Hello?
Vincent.

Despite the fact that you fucked
the whole thing backwards,

I've managed to save the deal.
What do you mean? Sorry?

I've managed to save the deal.
What do you mean? Sorry?

I've been with Manolito for dinner

and I've smoothed out
your fucking mess.

The weed deal's back on.
So DON'T fuck it up again.

The weed deal's back on.
So DON'T fuck it up again.

Toodle-oo.
Toodle...

He's gone. He's gone. Fuck!

What does that mean?
How much cocaine have you done?

What does that mean?
How much cocaine have you done?

Get in the shagging van. Come on.

Can't we just un-steal them?

What, go back through that maze?
Are you joking?

Thanks for bailing, by the way.

Thanks for bailing, by the way.

The baby needed me.
The baby was fine.

The baby wasn't fine, Erin, she was
in an uns-suitable environment.

She didn't cry once.

Look, why don't we just
take 'em back to Manolito's, yeah,

Look, why don't we just
take 'em back to Manolito's, yeah,

hold our hands up and be like,
"I'm sorry for the aggravation"?

hold our hands up and be like,
"I'm sorry for the aggravation"?

Shit idea. Fucking terrible idea.

What you talking about?
Fucking idiot.

Think about what you're saying.
Sorry.

We've stolen all of
his exotic fucking monkey children!

We've stolen all of
his exotic fucking monkey children!

He won't want to go into business
with us now.

No. We need to just get shut and
pretend none of this ever happened.

Can we not just find a new buyer?

Can we not just find a new buyer?

Plenty of people
must want an emu, an iguana,

a skunk, a bunch of doves and a tiny
monkey with a horrible attitude.

Hang on. Shirley is trying to create
a petting zoo. And cafeteria.

Hang on. Shirley is trying to create
a petting zoo. And cafeteria.

And a cafeteria.

But there's loads of petting zoos.
Why don't we make it more exotic?

Ooh.
What, like with tits and that?

Ooh.
What, like with tits and that?

Oh, animals, yeah.

Voila! Eh?
Fucking hell.

Voila! Eh?
Fucking hell.

It's impressive, innit?

Robbed, are they?
Where've you lifted 'em from?

Listen here. I fucking resent that.

We have just lost a very near
and dear friend.

We have just lost a very near
and dear friend.

Well, friend of a friend.
Yeah, an acquaintance.

From a long illness drawn out.
Gastric. Gastric.

Issues. Intestinal. Yeah.
Gangrene.

Issues. Intestinal. Yeah.
Gangrene.

Stop! Stop making fucking words.

Now, his family didn't know what
to do with all these tropical cunts.

So I've been a good lad
and I've taken 'em on.

So I've been a good lad
and I've taken 'em on.

How much?
Some rare animals in there, Shirley.

I'm not messing around with you,
and that's a fucking skunk, right?

I'm not messing around with you,
and that's a fucking skunk, right?

I don't want that monkey.
Reminds me of ye Uncle Cyril.

Just fuck the monkey, then.

Everything in there, bar the monkey,
best offer, dig deep.

Everything in there, bar the monkey,
best offer, dig deep.

Two grand.
Two fucking grand?

Fucking hell.
What are them numbers?

What are them numbers, eh?

What are them numbers, eh?

After the impassioned speech
I just give you about dying fucking boys and that.

All right, all right...

Three.
Three!

I could put them online and get
15 bags all in for that shit.

I could put them online and get
15 bags all in for that shit.

Go on, then.
I fucking well will!

Woah. Wait.
Get him. Get him. Get him.

NO. Shirley. Shirley, don't.
Just come back here a minute.

NO. Shirley. Shirley, don't.
Just come back here a minute.

I'm sorry. I'll sort you out.
15, that's fair.

Four.
Four? You dick.

Four.
Four? You dick.

Fucking...12!

Four.
Nine and a half.

Four. And that's my final offer.

Four. And that's my final offer.

Five and that's..
Six. And that's my final.

Five.
Fuck!

Nailed it.
(PHONE RINGS)

What does this fucking old cunt
want here? Shit!

What does this fucking old cunt
want here? Shit!

Jimbo?

Hey. All right, lads?

What the fuck have you brought
a monkey for?

Brought him to cheer you up.

Keep the fucking stupid thing.
Ow! I've been out two seconds

Keep the fucking stupid thing.
Ow! I've been out two seconds

and I've nearly dislocated
my fucking hip.

Listen to me now. Seriously.

You're not going back to the farm
today.

You're not going back to the farm
today.

Shirley's up there
with his petting zoo.

And fucking cafeteria.
And the cafeteria, dude.

You can't go back,
it's too stressful.

You can't go back,
it's too stressful.

Tell him, will you?

You need to convalesce, Jim.
Do you know what I mean?

You need to conva...conva...
Convalesce.

You need to convalesce, Jim.
Come stay with me for a bit in shack love.

You need to convalesce, Jim.
Come stay with me for a bit in shack love.

In that shit shack?
There's no shower!

I'm not sharing a bed with you, Vin.
I don't wanna share a bed with you!

I'm not sharing a bed with you, Vin.
I don't wanna share a bed with you!

With yer shit pube face,
you do my fucking head in. Ow!

Get in the fucking van.

Hey, it's not that bad in here, is
it? It's quite cosy on the inside.

Hey, it's not that bad in here, is
it? It's quite cosy on the inside.

Cosy on the inside. Like a womb.
It's nothing like a womb.

Cosy on the inside. Like a womb.
It's nothing like a womb.

A womb is full of amniotic fluid,
basically, six parts baby piss.

Shut the fuck up. Listen, it's good
for you in the woods.

Shut the fuck up. Listen, it's good
for you in the woods.

It's gonna take your mind off
Shirley and that petting zoo for a bit.

Yeah, and cafeteria.
And the cafeteria also.

Now, have you got everything
you need, you?

What's the wifi code?
Listen to him. What's the wifi?

What's the wifi code?
Listen to him. What's the wifi?

You think you're in a Travelodge
or summat, this one, do you know what I mean?

Come on. Good lad. Yeah.

Come on. Good lad. Yeah.

And bring back a change of clothes.

And don't be rooting
in my bedroom drawers!

No-one's going in your bedroom
drawers, you fucking old turd.

No-one's going in your bedroom
drawers, you fucking old turd.

I wonder what's in them.

I dread to think.
The mind boggles. Ooh!

Hey, lad, who's this?
That's Davey and Barry MacDonagh.

They've got that weird cunt
with the animals.

They've got that weird cunt
with the animals.

Go and hide the monkey.
Hide it where?

Go and fucking hide it...

The laundry basket or some shit
like that.

How's it going?
Vincent...

Hey. It's nice to see you.

Hey. It's nice to see you.

I'm really sorry
about the other night.

What do you know about my animals,
Vinnie?

Yeah. You showed us
the other night, didn't you?

There's been a theft, Vincent.

There's been a theft, Vincent.

Ooh! Of the fucking animals?

Which ones?
All of them! Oh!

Let's just stay calm, shall we?
I very much doubt that Vincent

Let's just stay calm, shall we?
I very much doubt that Vincent

would be stupid enough to steal
your exotic animals.

Isn't that right, Vincent?
Yes, that is right.

I would never be stupid enough
to do such a thing.

I would never be stupid enough
to do such a thing.

I'm heartbroken.
They're my children.

Especially Horatio.
He's my favourite.

You were the last person to see them

You were the last person to see them

and you left my party
in pretty unhappy circumstances.

Really, guys,
I'm not that type of lad.

I'm not a type of person
that'd come back and steal

I'm not a type of person
that'd come back and steal

all your lovely animals, just
as petty revenge, for fuck sake.

Check his home.
You'll only find a pissed-up old farmer in there...

Now, see what I mean?

Afternoon.

Where are my animals?
Animals?

We're just sitting here chilling,
watching YouTube videos.

We're just sitting here chilling,
watching YouTube videos.

There's a lovely Brazilian hip hop
version of Haddaway, What Is Love...

(BOTH CHATTER) You better not have
them, Vincent. I don't, I swear it.

(BOTH CHATTER) You better not have
them, Vincent. I don't, I swear it.

(MANOLITO WHISTLES)

(WHISTLES)

(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

(WHISTLES)

(REPEATS IN ITALIAN)
You've got the wrong guy.

I just wanna do business with you,
that's fucking it.

I don't wanna nick
your bloody animals. Christ.

I don't wanna nick
your bloody animals. Christ.

OK... But can I trust you?

Fucking yeah, you can trust me.
Ask anyone round here.

I'm not anyone...
Christ.

I'm not anyone...
Christ.

I wouldn't trust him in my house
on his own, not near my drawers.

He's a right nosy bastard.

Syphilis. It's fucked his head up.
Don't listen. Ask anyone normal.

Syphilis. It's fucked his head up.
Don't listen. Ask anyone normal.

Not anyone.
Fuck's wrong with you?

Alas...
Alas, guys, come on.

Alas...
Alas, guys, come on.

We got a deal here or what?

OK.
See!

(MONKEY SQUEALS)
Oh, fuck!

(MONKEY SQUEALS)
Oh, fuck!

Go!

(BLAST OF HORN)

(BLAST OF HORN)

(HORN)

Shirley? Shirley?!
What?

Shirley? Shirley?!
What?

Fuck. Shirley?

Shirley, I'm fucking sorry, man,
I'm gonna have to ask for them animals back.

Too late, I've sold 'em.
What the fuck do you mean? When?

Too late, I've sold 'em.
What the fuck do you mean? When?

Just now, he's just left.
Fuck!

I thought you wanted them
for your dickhead petting zoo thing.

Went online. You were right.
Collector he is.

Went online. You were right.
Collector he is.

Earned a nice little profit.

"Earned a nice little profit"?
You shit dickhead.!

Ashley?
Always me hair. Always me hair!

Ashley?
Always me hair. Always me hair!

We need to follow that van!

SCISSOR SISTERS: Laura

Here we go!

Here we go!

(SCREECH)

(BABY CRIES)
Don't fucking kill us, Vin!

(BABY CRIES)
Don't fucking kill us, Vin!

Fucking hell, was it Cardi, that?
Yeah, it was.

Hurry up, they're getting away!

(BABY CRYING)
The fucking baby, Carol,

you didn't strap her in!
Oh, I got distracted!

you didn't strap her in!
Oh, I got distracted!

You're a terrible mother!
Oh, really?

Well, I mother you, don't I?

You're like a grown baby man, Cardi.

You're like a grown baby man, Cardi.

Well, you'll be better off
without us, then, won't you?

Yeah, I fucking would.

Sh'mon, sh'mon

Sh'mon, sh'mon

Where is your love?

Don't you give me your love...

Here we go. Here we go.
Tell 'em.

Here we go. Here we go.
Tell 'em.

It's an emergency!
Pull over.

(SCREECH)

Fuck me! No, no, no.
Get in here, you big, you big shit.

Listen, we just go easy on 'em.

They've done nothing wrong.
We're not gonna hurt 'em.

They've done nothing wrong.
We're not gonna hurt 'em.

They've bought the animals
in...in good faith.

Yeah, just be reasonable.
Just be fucking reasonable dude.

Be reasonable.

All right, lads, I'm ever so sorry.

All right, lads, I'm ever so sorry.

What the fuck are you doing,
you goons? I know, I'm sorry.

You nearly had us
off the fucking road.

What about that chat we just had?
They were rude.

Why do...
Why do I get the big one, dude?

Right, you get in, rascal...
What you doing, dude?

Right, you get in, rascal...
What you doing, dude?

Making them bum.
Don't make 'em...

Don't make 'em bum. Get in the
fucking van. Not this van!

Don't make 'em bum. Get in the
fucking van. Not this van!

That van there!

Driving side, Ashley!

Shit! Fuck sake, dude.

FONTAINES DC: Liberty Belle

FONTAINES DC: Liberty Belle

That violence
that you get around here

That kind of ready-steady violence

That violent "How do you do?"

That violent "How do you do?"

Cheers, mate!

Ladies.

Oh shit.

Who the fuck are they? Ow!

Who the fuck are they? Ow!

Just like you
Man is on the nod, yeah

What you gonna do about it?

Now then, Bredrin. Super scary dude.
It's mental.

Now then, Bredrin. Super scary dude.
It's mental.

Get the fucking animals up, quick!
Don't let anyone see you.

What the fuck are them gloves, bruv?
What you mean?

Got to be protected, man.
Got that? Yeah.

Got to be protected, man.
Got that? Yeah.

(SQUEAKS) Fucking hell.
They can't stay here, Vin.

(SQUEAKS) Fucking hell.
They can't stay here, Vin.

Obviously they can't!

This isn't a permanent solution,
is it. (PHONE RINGS)

It's Davey MacDonaugh.
We are so fucked.

It's Davey MacDonaugh.
We are so fucked.

"W2"?

This was your fucking idea.

I am just a single bystander
in this fucking bullshit.

You're involved is what you were.

You're involved is what you were.

You helped us break in, you dick.

Woah, woah, woah!

What did I say about
stealing animals?

It always fucking goes wrong!
You did say that. You're right.

It always fucking goes wrong!
You did say that. You're right.

You're fucking right. Shit!

It's a learning curve.

But right now, what are we gonna
fucking do with all these?

But right now, what are we gonna
fucking do with all these?

Can I keep Horatio's twin brother?
No.

Wait, right, he knows you've taken
'em, so the deal is fucked anyway.

Show him your honour. Just take 'em
back, just tell 'em

Show him your honour. Just take 'em
back, just tell 'em

you only nicked 'em
because of how he treated you.

Be honest is basically
what you're saying? Yes!

It's not a bad idea.
Thank you

I'm just gonna suggest...leverage.

Fuck Vin!
We need a fucking dealer,

and he wants his exotic animals
back, do you know what I mean?

and he wants his exotic animals
back, do you know what I mean?

Let's just cut the bugger a deal.
Or they might cut your balls off.

He called them his children.

People will do anything to get
their fucking kids back.

People will do anything to get
their fucking kids back.

Look at, um, Liam Neeson in Taken.
And Taken two. And Taken Three.

JJ: How many fucking films
are there? Too many Takens.

This guy's a bit bloody unlucky.
First it's his fucking daughter, then his wife.

This guy's a bit bloody unlucky.
First it's his fucking daughter, then his wife.

I haven't even seen
the third one.

Both of them with the third one.
Christ!

You forget that these are deeply
implausible Hollywood films

You forget that these are deeply
implausible Hollywood films

and Davey's gonna kill us!

Fuck me. You're right, he's right.
As per fucking usual. Dylan's right.

We're doing leverage?
Leverage! Leverage!

We're doing leverage, fuckers.

Right, milking's done.
Cleaning's done.

Right, milking's done.
Cleaning's done.

And all your cattle
are in the field.

And we've organised
your bottling shed. Yeah.

This place is in a better state
than what you left it in, Jim.

That doesn't make it right.

That doesn't make it right.

I left my farm in your English
hands,

and from your manicured
English hands,

YOU have handed it across
to all and sundry -

YOU have handed it across
to all and sundry -

They're just people, Jim.
From a different country.

And they're hard-working.

They're prepared to do your shit
for low wages

They're prepared to do your shit
for low wages

while you're incapable.

Codrin.
Ah, Codrin, Danut, Livue.

This is Jim.
Hello, Jim. Cozonac?

This is Jim.
Hello, Jim. Cozonac?

Where are you from?
Fucking...Transylvania?

Yes.
But not worry, we're not Dracula.

Yes.
But not worry, we're not Dracula.

(HISSES)
(CHUCKLES)

Where's that prick O'Neil?

What do you want,
you foot-shooting twat?

What do you want,
you foot-shooting twat?

What are they doing here?
What's it to you?

They're MY workers.

They're part of the team
on my petting zoo.

And cafeteria.
And cafeteria.

And cafeteria.
And cafeteria.

Well,
they're MY fucking workers now.

So take your stupid blonde hair
and get fucked.

YOUR fucking workers?
MY fucking workers.

They're MY workers.
My fucking workers.

Oh yeah, yeah.
You'll be here for a while.

MY fucking workers!

MY fucking workers!

(BLEEPS)

Come through.

He wants to see us in the maze. Why
does he wanna meet in a maze, man?

He wants to see us in the maze. Why
does he wanna meet in a maze, man?

That's a shite place for a meeting.
Not an a-maze-ing place to meet!

I do not like this.
I do not like this one bit.

I do not like this.
I do not like this one bit.

It's all right. Chill.

Just remember how to find your way
out again.

Cos that worked so well last time.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

Well, well, well...

if it isn't the exotic
animal thieves.

We're fucking sorry about that.
Give over Dyl, you tart.

We're fucking sorry about that.
Give over Dyl, you tart.

Now, honestly, we did. We stole your
fucking animals, in part of revenge,

because you were a bit of a knob.
But, look, look, look.

If you want a deal, you can have
every single one of them back.

And you can have them back
this very evening.

That sounds fair to me.
That does sound fair.

That sounds fair to me.
That does sound fair.

And who's going to suck my dick?
Are you?

Uh, no!
How about you?

It's not the weather for it.

Can we not just park the dick
sucking and talk about business?

Can we not just park the dick
sucking and talk about business?

Come on, man. The business end of
things has been taken care of.

Isn't that right, gentlemen?
What's he on about?

Isn't that right, gentlemen?
What's he on about?

Fucking hell!
Beware the bald man.

(GROANS) You've broken
my fucking trust, Vincent,

(GROANS) You've broken
my fucking trust, Vincent,

and that is a cardinal fucking sin.

You give him the animals back
and you grow the weed,

but let there be no doubt,
you are a FUCKING marked man.

but let there be no doubt,
you are a FUCKING marked man.

Sometimes in life, metaphorically,

and actually,

and actually,

you have to suck a dick.
(THUNDER RUMBLES)

MESADORM: Easy

Nothing in the middle
but a bare knuckle fight

You're dizzy all day,
looking side to side

You're dizzy all day,
looking side to side

And they've shouted all your life

No, it's not easy, kid

No, it's not easy

We're all living day to day

Trying to get along together...

So I got the, er, report back.

So I got the, er, report back.

And, er,

it says we are unfit parents.

But...I think...

..if it were a real baby,
we would have treated it better,

..if it were a real baby,
we would have treated it better,

like, if it were real.

I don't think Tommo would chucked
it across the barn, do you?

I don't think Tommo would chucked
it across the barn, do you?

Unlikely.

I'm sorry...for saying
you're a terrible mother.

I'm sorry...for saying
you're a terrible mother.

I'd not slept and I were g-grouchy.

But I've been thinking, right,

But I've been thinking, right,

and I think...
when we have our own...

..when we have our own...

..when we have our own...

..we'll be much better than we have
been with Matilda, no?

Matilda?
Matil...

That's just the name I gave her
in my head.

That's just the name I gave her
in my head.

You know, Cardi,

erm...

erm...

..I'm not the spring chicken
that I used to be.

And time... Time is not as kind
to a woman.

Right.

Right.

What I'm trying to say to you
is, Cardi, that...

if you want to be a father, right...

If it's something that you...

If it's something
that you truly want to be...

then maybe you're not with
the right woman.

No, I only want one with you.

What if I can't?

What if I can't?

(SNIFFS)

We've always got the d-dog.

And the pigeon. And the llama.
And the pigeon. And the llama.

And the pigeon. And the llama.
And the pigeon. And the llama.

I don't need a baby.

I need you.

I need you.

(BABY FALLS ON FLOOR, CRYING STARTS)
Oh, fuck!

(BABY FALLS ON FLOOR, CRYING STARTS)
Oh, fuck!

(CHUCKLES)

Barry? Barry?

What?

What?

Where the fuck have you been?

(GROANS)

Your man said it was a stupid idea.
That's a stupid idea.

(WAILS)

(WAILS)

Oh, no! Masked invaders!

You know Erin Croft, right? Who's
asking? I think she's my sister.

To shit dads!

(BOTH GIGGLING)
Go go go!

One stem can fetch up to five grand.

Waargh!

Watch this...
(WOMAN GROANS)

It's going down.
No, no, no!

It's going down.
No, no, no!

(CLATTER)

I got so much trouble in my mind

I got so much trouble in my mind

I got so much trouble in my mind

I got so much trouble in my mind

I got so much trouble in my mind

I got so much trouble in my mind

Give me the strength to carry on

Give me the strength

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