All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s05e27

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Honey, have we got any aspirin?

I've got a terrible headache.

Rob, when are you going to take off that hat?

You've been wearing it all day long.

OK.

Boy, you're in a giddy mood today.

Why shouldn't I be?

I'm a man blessed with a three day weekend

after a tough week's worth.

I want to do something wild and abandoned.

- I've got a great plan for you. - What?

Go put all the shoe trees back in your shoes.

Why be in a good mood when nobody can be in it with me?

I am, darling.

I am.

I just want to finish this article.

Hey, honey, I want to try an experiment.

Hmm?

Listen.

I want to try the Polish Air Force equilibrium test on you.

What will it do?

Nothing.

Just come.

Put your hands out.

Well, now turn them over. Like that.

That's it. - What are you doing?

OK.

That's it.

Just balance them on both hands like that.

There.

There what?

Well, I mean, you're trapped You can't do anything now.

Wait.

[laughing]

That's very good, darling.

OK.

Take them off for me now.

[laughing]

Because, Rob, see, I can't take them off.

I--

You love me?

Yes.

Now, Rob, would you t-- t-- take them off?

I know.

I'll go put my shoe trees in, OK?

Rob, I'll drop them.

I'll drop them right on this floor.

Now take them off. - No, you won't.

Those are the ones your mom gave us.

[doorbell ringing] - OK, Rob.

Look, the game's over. I've got to go answer the door.

Come on. - Oh, that's right.

You do. - Take them off.

Well, listen.

I'll answer the door.

Don't go away.

OK, Rob, from now on, I'm going to starch your underwear.

Well, I-- oh--

hmm-- oh-- oh, Rob.

Honey.

[mumbling]

There's no time for that now.

What are you doing?

What's the matter with you?

Honey, there's a G-man in the living room.

And there's a nut in the kitchen.

I'm not kidding you.

That man in the living room is a government agent.

What does he want?

Us.

A government agent here?

Well, what for?

I don't know yet.

Rob, did you pay the traffic tickets?

Sure, I did.

We've got nothing to hide, honey.

Come on.

Hey, did you-- did you mail my income tax return?

Yeah.

Well, then we're clean.

Come on.

[coughing]

Hello.

Just admiring the view.

Oh.

Mr. Phillips, this is my wife, Laura.

Laura, honey, this is Mr. Phillips, the United

States government agent.

You make me sound so impressive, Mr. Petrie.

Yeah, well, I guess you are to us.

Won't you sit down, Mr. Phillips?

- Yeah. - Thank you.

Is this all right?

Yeah, that's-- that's our government agent chair there.

[laughing]

Have, uh, we done something wrong?

No, no, no.

I guess it's kind of, uh, natural to feel

guilty around a law officer.

Well, I'll come right to the point.

What we want is your house.

Our house did something wrong?

No.

My department would like to use your house

as a base for observation of the house across the street.

Jerry Helper?

He's my best friend.

What did he do?

No, no.

Not Mr. Helper's house.

A Mr. Gerard-- Wendell P Gerard.

Do you know him?

ROB: Well, not exactly.

Has Mr. Gerard done something wrong?

He seems like such a nice man.

Just last week, he gave Ritchie some candy.

Did Ritchie eat the candy?

I don't know.

We had a dog poisoned a few years ago.

And you think Mr. Gerard did it?

No, he didn't live here then.

Wait a minute, folks.

Look, I'm not really interested in Mr. Gerard.

We're looking for one of his relatives, a Lewis Darniet,

a nephew of Mr. Gerard.

I don't think we know him.

Darniet was deported three years ago.

LAURA: For what?

For certain nefarious activities.

Nefarious activities? What, spying?

Dope and--

No.

No, more like just gambling.

And he sneaked back into the country illegally, huh?

Well, then you think his nephew

might try to come to his house?

Well, it's possible.

This Darniet has several relatives on the East Coast.

He might try hiding out with them.

That's why we're asking you for the use of your house.

Well, have other people let you use

their houses as peeking places?

Uh, he means--

she means observation.

Yes, they have.

We're talking about a stakeout, aren't we?

As a matter of fact, yes.

Stakeout?

In our living room?

Well, actually your, uh, son's, uh,

room has the best view.

And since he's away at the Cub Scouts--

How'd you know that?

Honey, they know about these things.

Well, what difference would it make if our son is here or--

is there-- you think there would be some kind of danger?

No, that's not very likely, ma'am.

It's just that small boys--

they don't keep secrets very well.

Oh, I-- this will probably be classified, right?

In a way.

Now, look, folks, we can't order you to let us use your house.

Well, I don't know.

What do you think, honey?

Gee, I don't know.

Well, I'd like to put a man in here as soon as possible.

Look.

If you'd like to talk things over,

I'd be glad to step outside.

Well, you don't have to do that.

We'll step in the kitchen.

We usually discuss our problems in the kitchen.

Excuse us.

What do you think?

Gee, I don't know, Rob.

Having somebody like that in our living room, I--

just-- I'd feel like a peeping Tom.

Honey, this is like our government.

I know.

But I just--

I don't like the idea of prying into somebody

else's private affairs.

When is the last time you were asked to be

a responsible adult citizen?

Well, you are talking like a responsible adult citizen,

but I have a feeling that inside there's a little boy jumping

up and down saying, oh, goody, goody, goody, cops and robbers.

That is ridiculous.

Is it?

How many grown men still have their Captain

Midnight decoder rings?

I don't still have it.

It just happens to be in an old shoe box out there.

Yeah, well, I don't notice you throwing it away.

Well, there's a lot of things I don't do you don't notice.

All right.

All right, honey.

I will leave it entirely up to you.

But remember one thing.

If a gambling casino or a strip joint opens across the street,

it's our fault.

You're right.

I am?

I mean, about being an adult citizen.

We'll let them use the house.

Swell.

I mean, uh, good decision.

Rob.

Huh?

I just happened to think of something.

How do we know that man out there

is really from the government?

He showed me his identification.

Well, did you get a good look at it?

I mean, you saw his picture and everything?

I mean, he just held it up like that for a second.

Well, Rob, I'll agree to let them come in and use the house,

but only if we check his credentials.

Gosh, that's so embarrassing.

Not half as embarrassing as inviting someone

into your home to mug you.

Well, all right.

Well, what have you folks decided?

Uh, well, Mr. Phillips, there is one thing.

What is that?

Uh, well, you can put a guy here, all right.

Fine.

I'm glad you'll cooperate.

Well, Mr. Phillips, there's one other thing.

Uh, I know you showed me your credentials and everything.

But my wife-- I mean, she wanted to be sure.

You flipped it so fast there, I--

well, she's-- you know how women are.

Look.

I respect your precautions.

Most people don't even look at them when we do show them.

Well, it's just that my mother always told me

that when you get into a cab, always

check the picture on the back of the seat to make sure

it matches the driver.

I don't know what good it does, but you

do things for your mother.

Well, that's fine.

Fine, fine, fine.

That's not it.

There it is.

Oh.

[doorbell ringing]

Hello?

May I come in?

Well, yeah-- uh, you a TV repairman?

No.

I believe Mr. Phillips told you to expect me.

Phillips-- I don't believe I know any--

oh, my government man.

Mine, too.

Oh, come in. You're a government man.

I thought you were a TV repairman.

Well, I didn't want to attract any attention.

Yeah, it's the fine tuner.

I think fine tuner's out of whack.

Mr. Petrie, shouting attracts attention.

I'll keep it down.

By the way, uh, here's my identification.

Mr. Phillips said you were a careful checker.

Oh.

[laughing]

Well, not me so much.

My wife, you know-- she wants to know who you are-- who you are.

I know who you are.

Well, could I see it?

Oh.

All right.

Bond.

Harry Bond.

Hey, you got the same last name--

Yeah, uh, please, no jokes.

I'm not 007.

Well, where shall I set up?

Oh, I'll take you to the boy's room.

I beg your pardon.

Well, I mean, Ritchie, my son.

Oh.

It's right down here.

I hope this will be all right for the stakeout.

I mean, you know, for observing.

Put your things on the bed there.

It's fine.

Fine.

LAURA: Rob.

In the bedroom, honey.

Rob, there's a television repair

truck out in the driveway.

And there's a TV repairman in here.

Is something wrong?

Good cover.

Your cover's holding.

Mrs. Petrie, I'm, uh, Mr. Phillips' partner.

The agent.

Oh.

How do you do?

Hi.

Well, then that television repair truck is a--

Is a repair truck.

Uh, one of our men is inside with a walkie-talkie.

He'll station himself a few blocks from here.

In case there's any contact, right?

Right.

Uh, Mrs. Petrie, here's my identification.

I already checked it, honey.

Oh, Bond.

Isn't that the name of the--

Honey, honey, honey.

Oh, uh, Mr. Bond, I've cleaned the window so that you could

see the house very clearly.

I noticed that, Mrs. Petrie.

Uh, it looks a little funny from outside.

Cleaner than all the others, you know.

You shouldn't have done that, honey.

It draws attention to this room.

[beeping]

Oh.

Excuse me.

Yeah, Marvin?

MARVIN (ON WALKIE-TALKIE): Hi, Harry.

We just got a report down here at headquarters

that Darniet was seen in sector six an hour ago.

Sector six, that's us!

MARVIN (ON WALKIE-TALKIE): Yep.

Looks like New Rochelle is it.

New Rochelle.

We're it.

Well, I better get busy watching.

Is there anything we can do, Mr. Bond?

You haven't had dinner yet, have you?

No.

Why don't you have dinner?

Right.

Come on, honey.

It's a dinner break.

Uh, Petrie.

Huh?

You're blocking me.

Oh, sorry.

Think he'll show up?

He might.

Oh, my wife made some nut chewies.

Would you like one?

Hey, thanks.

Uh, oh, uh, no, thank you.

I got a sort of a toothache.

I know.

I've had those.

Hmm.

But thank you, anyway.

It was a nice thought.

It's OK.

Boy, oh, boy.

Have you got a lot of great gadgets in your business.

You folks pay for them.

Walkie-talkie, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

My son's got one just exactly like it.

This, uh-- is that anything?

It is.

Don't take the cap off.

Oh, uh, got you.

It won't explode.

It's a simple homing device.

Oh, you mean--

[beeping] Yeah, sure.

Hey, boy.

Is that a beautiful camera.

BOND: It's got infrared film in it.

Oh, yeah, of course.

[whistling]

A tape recorder?

BOND: Yeah.

Yeah.

Compact, nice.

BOND: Mhm.

Uh, banana?

Boy.

Exceptionally good, uh, specimen here, nicely flat.

This is a winner.

[laughing]

I hope you'll excuse me for being a little silly.

This is my first stakeout.

That's all right.

Hey, somebody's going by the Gerard house.

I see them.

What are you going to do?

Nothing.

It looks like just the paper boy.

Yeah, it is.

It's not the regular paper boy, though.

He's not?

No.

That's the kid who comes on weekends.

Oh.

Well, this is the weekend.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You don't have to report that, huh?

No.

Uh, but, uh, thanks for reminding me I

should report in.

Oh, that's what I'm here for.

Hello, headquarters, hello.

MARVIN (ON WALKIE-TALKIE): Hello, Harry.

How's everything?

It's quiet here, Marvin.

Look, nobody's passed the house, except the paper boy.

The, uh, weekend paperboy.

Anything to report there?

MARVIN (ON WALKIE-TALKIE): No, nothing.

Hey, uh, how's your junior G-man?

Is he still--

Uh, Marvin, this isn't, uh, classified, is it?

Uh, Mr. Petrie is in the room with me.

MARVIN (ON WALKIE-TALKIE): Oh, uh, yes.

Yes, it is.

Oh. [laughing]

Go ahead.

I'll leave so you can finish your report there.

[laughing]

Tell-- tell Marvin I'm gone.

Rob, what are you doing?

Huh?

Well, the paperboy came.

I ought to get the paper.

But should you be going out there?

Honey, they said to act natural.

If we leave the paper out there all night long,

they'll know-- naturally, they'll

know something is wrong.

I better get the paper.

[whistling]

Boy, it's weird out there.

There's nobody out there.

I can feel Harry Bond looking at me, though.

Did you see me almost blow it?

No, what happened?

Well, I started to wave at him,

and I turned it into one of these.

Well, he said that Darniet has been

reported in the neighborhood for hours now.

Yeah, I'd think if he were going to show up here to hide

out, he'd have arrived by now.

Yeah.

I hope nothing's happened to him.

Rob, he's a gangster.

Well, I-- I don't mean that, honey.

It's just that you get all excited

and keyed up and then nothing.

Well, you talk like you want trouble.

Well, I don't.

A little excitement maybe.

What is it to have a government agent in your house

who just sits around and eats bananas?

Did he like the nut chewies?

Oh, he couldn't eat it, honey.

He's got a bad tooth.

Well, how can he spy with a bad tooth?

Honey, those guys are trained to spy with bamboo shoots

under their fingernails.

Rob, maybe we ought to get out of the house,

go to a movie or something.

Honey, we got to stay here in case he needs us for something.

Like what?

Well, like the nut chewies you made for him.

Well, he didn't eat them.

Well, he might need a glass of milk or a banana or something.

We've got to stay around here and act natural.

Well, boy, I sure don't feel very natural.

You don't look it, either.

Hey, why don't we go visit someone?

Honey, Darniet is in sector six.

I know.

So let's go visit someone in sector seven.

We can't.

We got to stay around here and try to act natural, honey.

Well, boy, I sure wish we could think of something.

Hey.

What do you do at 7 o'clock if you haven't already done it?

- Eat. - Yeah.

Right.

I didn't serve you dinner.

Well, not since yesterday.

Rob, I'm sorry.

What-- what would you like?

Well, uh, make something very light, honey.

I might have to, you know, move.

Oh, Rob, don't talk that way.

Just lettuce--

Golly.

Or something, energy food.

What happened?

The lights, Mr. Petrie.

Oh.

They can see you from across the street.

They can see me from Denver.

Oh, I'm really sorry.

I, uh-- I couldn't sleep, and I thought I'd

see if anything had developed.

It has.

What, what?

My little toothache has developed into a great big one.

I couldn't resist those darn nut chewies.

Hey, listen.

My next door neighbor is a dentist.

I could call him.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Oh, that's right.

His wife is a blabber-- well, you've got that in your report.

Yeah.

My replacement is due in about an hour.

I think I can hold out till then.

OK.

Well, you know what?

That looks awfully swollen.

The pain--

Is it real hurt?

The pain goes shooting right through my eyes.

I mean, I can hardly see straight.

Oh.

Uh, listen, uh, maybe you'd feel better if you

lay down for a little while.

Well, I probably would, but I can't.

I-- I can watch the window for you.

No. I don't think so.

No, really.

You could lay right there, and I'd be right here.

I'm good with binoculars.

Well, I don't know.

Oh, please.

I mean, you know, you'd feel better.

And you'd be laying right there.

You know, with all that pain, you might

miss something out that window.

You may be right, but--

I know I'm right.

Hey, I know.

Go in the bathroom, rinse out your mouth

with some good warm water.

There's some aspirin in the medicine cabinet.

Put a couple on the tooth.

It always helps me.

Mr. Bond?

What?

Can I have the binos?

The what?

The binocs.

Oh, the binoculars.

Yeah, check.

Sure.

Should I, uh, log in here or anything?

No.

Just look.

Go ahead and rinse out.

How's it going?

Well, the baby aspirin are kind of weak.

Well, it's, uh--

it's only been about 20 minutes.

[whistling quietly]

BOND: What happened?

Huh? Nothing.

Nothing.

It's all quiet out there.

Hey, Mr. Bond, uh, I took a picture

with this infrared camera.

Of what?

Well, of you sleeping.

Mr. Petrie, why did you do that?

An accident.

It was just an accident.

Uh, I thought I better tell you.

You know, if the government saw it,

they might dock your base pay or something.

Oh, don't worry about it.

Thanks for telling me.

Gerard's door is open.

You want these?

No, no. Keep looking.

Keep looking, and tell me what happens.

OK.

Well, it's Gerard. - Hello, Marvin?

Marvin.

Come in, Marvin.

Gerard's coming out the front door.

This darn thing doesn't work.

He's coming down the steps.

Darn thing, what's the matter with this thing?

It's out of batteries.

That's my son's.

Where's mine?

Uh, here.

I had it in case Marvin checked in.

He's almost to the sidewalk.

Hello, Marvin?

Come in, Marvin.

MARVIN (ON WALKIE-TALKIE): Yes, Harry.

Gerard just left the house.

He's coming across the street.

Hey, he's coming up our path.

He's at our front door.

He's at our front door.

He's at the front door, Marvin.

Hey, what does he want?

What do I do now? [doorbell ringing]

MARVIN (ON WALKIE-TALKIE): I'll send a car over.

Play it safe until you find out if Darniet is there.

Check. [doorbell ringing]

What does he want?

What do we do?

We'll find out.

Just go to the door.

Act normal.

I'll be right with you so there won't be any trouble.

OK.

What's the gun for?

So there won't be any trouble.

Which way's the living room?

That way.

Oh.

I hope he didn't find out we were spying.

I don't think so.

Act like nothing is wrong.

I'll cover you from the kitchen.

OK.

And Mr. Petrie.

Huh?

I'm a marksman.

Good.

Hello?

Hello, I'm Mr. Gerard from across the street.

Well, I hate to disturb you this late,

but my privacy has been invaded.

Uh, may I come in, please?

Uh, yeah.

Come in, please.

I'm sorry your privacy was invaded, Mr--

Rob, I heard you--

Mr. Gerard.

Everything is all right, honey.

Nothing is all right.

My privacy has been invaded.

Well, where's--

He's in the kitchen, honey.

Our puppy.

We have a puppy in the kitchen.

[gasping]

Anything wrong?

Uh, no, no.

We just tripped. - Smoke?

No.

No, thank-- I-- I don't--

[clearing throat]

Mr. Gerard, did you want something?

Mr. and Mrs. Petrie, in every human life,

unpleasantness comes.

It is my unfortunate pleasure to bring you unpleasantness.

Tonight, there is no peace in my heart.

There isn't?

No, no.

Because I am upset.

I must do something I do not want to do.

Mr. Bond!

(SINGING) Mr. Bond, that's our puppy.

Mr. Bond, Mr. Puppy.

May I use your telephone?

- Yeah, go ahead. - I must.

I must.

I must.

No.

Look--

Get down, honey.

Take it.

All right.

Put your hands up.

No, not you.

No, you up.

No, not me up.

You, up.

All right.

Now what's going on here?

Please, I need my hands to explain.

Go ahead.

Thank you.

You see, my nephew is a-- he is a wanted criminal.

He's invaded my privacy.

He's right down in my bed asleep,

and this gun-- this was in the bed.

I found there waiting.

I am afraid.

He's a terrible person.

I must call the police.

He's-- what's the number of the police?

You won't need that. Come on.

Let's go get your nephew.

Who is he?

He is a special agent of our government.

Already here?

How?

I'll explain later, Mr. Gerard.

In this country is everything going so fast.

Can I have the phone?

No, I-- I brought it home.

Thank you.

Rob, where are you going?

Honey, I-- I want to see them make the capture.

Well, Rob, it's damp out.

You're in your pajamas.

Harry Bond is a marksman, honey.

But, Rob, it's dangerous.

I'll be back in a minute, honey.

You'll catch cold, Rob.

They'll never even notice me.

They don't--

Come on.

Don't play with their equipment.

Well, it's all right with him, honey.

He let me.

I was using the camera and the walkie-talkie and everything.

I was his assistant.

Hello, Thrush.

This is agent 0009.

If you do not release our agents immediately,

we will activate our atomic deactivator,

and we will blow up your tonsils.

You read me there, Thrush?

BOND (ON WALKIE-TALKIE): This is Thrush.

Hi, Thrush.

BOND (ON WALKIE-TALKIE): We read you,

and we'll release all your agents if you just stop

playing with our equipment.

Mr. Bond, I'm sorry.

I thought this was my son's.

BOND (ON WALKIE-TALKIE): It's all right, 0009.

We'll be right in.

OK.

Over-- over and out.

Happy now?

Well, yeah.

They're releasing our agents, aren't they?

[laughing]

[music playing]