All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s05e25

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."

Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Hey, Pickles.

You ought to see the way they fixed up this office

for the Alan Brady documentary.

Yeah.

Looks classier than your sister's bathroom.

No.

Rob and Sally aren't here yet.

Boy, I can't wait to see their expressions.

Oh, here comes an expression.

It's Rob.

He looks like he thinks he's in the wrong room.

I think I am in the wrong room.

BUDDY: Hey, look, Pickles.

I got to hang up.

What?

You're cooking dinner?

Thanks for the warning.

I'll grab a bite on the way home.

Goodbye.

Hey, they ought to do a documentary on Alan

Brady's life more often.

We'd live better, you know it?

Good morning.

Hey, who stole the piano?

The same people who decorated the office.

You mean to say they're going to let us work here?

- Yeah. - Wow.

I better go cancel my breakfast order.

I can't bring a bagel into a place like this.

[chuckles]

Even my prune danish looks shabby.

What's behind here?

I think it's our old office.

Yep.

Hey, what are we saving that junk for?

Till tomorrow at 3 o'clock when they

reconvert us back into a slum.

Blegh.

Boy, Alan's really going all out for this film.

Hey, wait till you see the way they

fixed up the Accounting Office.

Looks like a place in Las Vegas.

Alan even bought a new dress for Fat Irma.

Listen.

Isn't this film supposed to show Alan--

what he's really like?

Well, he's just like this office.

He's a fake.

Come on.

Everybody wants to make a good impression.

Look at you.

You're wearing a new jacket.

Well, you don't exactly look like little Annie

Rooney yourself, you know?

Well, I always dress like a Russian princess

when I know I'm going to be on television.

Buddy's the only one that didn't go overboard.

Well, you know--

Hold it.

Man overboard.

He's wearing makeup.

Are you wearing makeup?

Well, just a touch so I'd look better.

Well, you need more than a touch to make you look better.

You need a wallop.

Look, you guys.

Before we go up to that meeting, let's make

a pact between the three of us.

This film on Alan could be tasteless and very dishonest.

Let's try to get out of it with at least a shred of dignity.

Yeah.

You're right.

I'll start by wiping off the makeup.

Good morning.

What are you doing sitting on that?

Up, up, up.

It's rented.

Mel, we were just on our way up to the meeting.

Oh, well, the meeting's been canceled.

Is he wearing makeup?

I have a blemish.

You are a blemish.

Mel, what-- what happened to the meeting?

Hey, Buddy, you gonna let him get away with that?

When a man is wearing pancake and lipstick,

you can't be too pushy.

Lipstick?

Just a little bit to hide a cold sore.

Mel, why did they cancel the meeting?

Oh, they didn't cancel it.

They just postpone it until tomorrow,

and we'll have it on Alan's yacht.

BOTH: Alan's yacht?

Where did Alan get a yacht?

From the rent a yacht people.

10 o'clock tomorrow morning, right?

Anything else?

Oh, yes.

He wants to be photographed surrounded by all his friends.

Oh, well, that should only take place in a phone booth.

Look.

For a man who wears makeup--

I wiped it off.

So watch it.

Alan's asked the Friars Club to give them

a testimonial dinner on Saturday.

Wait a minute.

He asked them to honor him?

Oh, well, he's going to pay for it.

But now, he's got a better idea.

He wants to be seen with the little people.

So he's rented the enchanted forest.

Yeah.

Well, he's willing to cancel the banquet,

but he wanted to clear it through you.

Why me?

Well, he wanted to set up something at your house.

My house?

Yes, he wants to have you, and Laura, and Alan

all drinking coffee together.

What do you say, Rob?

Well, gee.

I'm just kinda surprised that Alan picked me.

Sure.

He could have called the rent a friend people.

Well, what do you say, Rob?

He wants to know tonight, because he

has to shoot it on Friday.

Well, it might be fun.

You tell Alan to consider himself invited.

He does, Rob.

Oh, wait a minute.

I'd like to thank you, Mel.

For what?

For leaving.

Lipstick.

Well, I guess I better call Laura.

Yeah.

She might have another documentary scheduled.

Listen.

How can you say yes without checking?

I always do that.

SALLY: And she doesn't mind?

Oh, yeah.

But it makes the marriage exciting and dangerous.

Honey, hi.

It's me.

Hey, we're going to be on TV.

You and me, and Ritchie, and the house.

Well, they're doing a TV documentary

on the life of Alan Brady, and they're going to do

a scene of him visiting us.

It's Friday night.

Friday night's what?

Well, honey, why didn't you tell me?

No, you didn't.

No, you didn't.

No-- boy, you did.

Yeah.

Well, I'll-- I'll--

I'll, uh-- I'll-- listen, just--

just, just hang up.

Hang up.

I got a problem now.

Promised to take your wife out to dinner, huh?

ROB: Worse.

Promised to take my wife out to dinner?

We're having an anniversary party for Jerry and Millie

on Friday night.

Oh.

Well, we invited them first.

Alan's just out.

That's all.

How do you say something like that to Alan Brady?

On your knees.

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Mel, Mel, I've been trying to get you for hours.

But we can't use my house.

Well, you'll just have to go back to the banquet thing.

That's all.

Well, can't you set it up again?

Mel, look I am having an anniversary

party for Millie and Jerry at our house Friday night.

No, I cannot postpone it.

I am sorry, Mel.

That's too bad, but the waters do not

part at Alan Brady's command.

Mel's hair did.

Look.

Mel, wait just a second.

Nobody's that important, not even Alan Brady.

What are you breathing so heavily for?

You're not.

Well, who's on the extension?

Alan?

(NERVOUSLY) Nnnnn.

[chuckles]

Alan, hi.

I, uh-- what thumping?

Oh, they're fixing the street outside.

That's all.

Uh, Alan, look.

I just-- I knew it was you.

Well, I know you're breathing-- yeah.

Alan, look.

I'm sorry that you canceled out the banquet thing, but I--

I guess you heard what I said about the anniversary party.

Go ahead with it?

Well, Alan, you're a sport.

You'll come.

Well, listen.

I-- it can be arranged.

No, I-- I can probably work it out.

Listen.

Alan, anybody be crazy-- happy to have you around.

Sure.

You bet, Alan.

We'll fix it.

Yeah.

It'll be a ball--

a cannonball.

You sure handled that beautifully, Rob.

Well, what was I supposed to do?

He thinks an anniversary party is great.

Real human touch.

Well, does Alan at least know Millie and Jerry?

Well, he knows that he's met them.

Yeah. - Yeah.

Well, how well does he know them?

Jerry makes him sick.

GERARD (ON TV): My darling dearest, as much as I love you,

I can never leave Edna, not now that she needs me.

Hi.

Hi

WOMAN (ON TV): But Gerard, what of me?

It's I who need you, and I'm your wife.

What's all that?

It's a new soap opera, "A Town Called Passion."

Mm.

Any good?

Trash, pure unadulterated trash.

Well, it's almost over, dear.

GERARD (ON TV): I'll stay.

WOMAN (ON TV): Too late.

Hmph.

Trash.

Boy, Millie's going to come over.

You want to have dinner now or wait?

No, I'll wait.

Did you straighten everything out with Alan?

Well, yeah.

In a manner of speaking.

Well, how did you straighten it out in a manner of speaking?

Sort of rotten.

You didn't tell him.

No, I told him.

Well?

Well, I'm half afraid to tell you.

OK.

Tell me the half you're not afraid to tell.

Well, I told Alan we weren't going

to cancel out the anniversary party on his account.

Well, that-- that's fine, darling.

Now, tell me the bad half.

Alan's coming.

He is?

Yeah.

With a film crew and everything.

- Oh, come on. - Yeah.

He thinks an anniversary party is more

human than even you and me.

Rob, that's crazy.

Millie and Jerry are--

They'll love it probably.

They'll get a film record.

LAURA: Of a disaster.

That Alan Brady has all the nerve in the world.

Rob, why don't you say no?

Because he's got all the nerve in the world, including mine.

It's a little bizarre, but it may work out all right.

You can't possibly believe that.

Well, it's your duty to help me try.

We'll be all right if we can just hold Millie down

to a small anniversary party.

Rob, you tell Millie she has to have a small party,

you'll have to hold her down.

She wants a big affair?

She wants a coronation.

She would.

Hi.

Hi.

We were just talking about you.

Ooh, you said something good, I hope.

Bad?

No, don't be silly.

Of course, it was good.

Listen, Laura.

I've been thinking about how many couples I could invite.

And remember, you said no limit?

Yeah.

Well, I was thinking of inviting 15 couples.

LAURA: 15 couples? - Yeah.

Or 20.

20?

Yeah, and then I started thinking it over,

and I thought, well, I'd really rather have a small affair,

you know, just you and us.

BOTH: You would?

What'd I say?

Well, nothing.

We're just surprised you changed your mind.

You wanted 20 couples?

Oh, no, Mill.

I mean, it's whatever you want.

It's your party-- partly.

Well, you know how it is.

I mean you start inviting so-and-so,

and then you got to invite so and so.

Well, there's a lot of so-and-sos we don't want.

Yeah.

It's almost always that way, isn't it?

Yeah.

Like the Brodys, and the McFarlands, and Hi and Blanche.

Hi and Blanche?

MILLIE: Yeah.

She's a big flirt, you know?

And he drinks.

And they're always fighting, and every other month

they have a separation.

So who needs them? - Yeah.

Well, I know exactly what you mean, Mill?

Actually, we're just as happy you're having a small party.

[clears throat] I had a little mix up with Alan Brady today.

Oh, don't tell me that rat wants you to work that night.

Oh, no.

Well, yeah, in a way.

You see, he had us involved in something

the same night as your party.

Oh, the rat.

Why do you keep calling him a rat?

Well, he was pretty nasty to Jerry that night he was here.

LAURA: He was?

I don't remember that.

Well, sure.

You know, he was telling that old joke,

and Jerry said the punch line.

Oh, that.

Well, I don't think Alan even remembers that, Millie.

Well, listen, I do.

Nobody's got the right to call Jerry Dumbo but me.

You mean he really wants you to work on my anniversary?

Well, it's not exactly working, Millie.

Well, Rob, don't tell me you're not going to be here?

Oh, no.

It's not that.

I'm trying to tell you Millie that Alan's going to be here.

Alan Brady wants to come to my party?

It's true.

Well, that's crazy.

Why?

He wants to shoot a scene from a TV documentary that night.

Now, it's is to be tough to work it out, but I think I can.

Alan Brady wants to put my anniversary party on TV?

Well, it's not exactly your anniversary.

Millie, it won't really be that bad.

Now, I know that you don't want to have someone you consider

a rat at your anniversary.

A famous rat, I do.

Listen.

This is terrific.

Ooh, lis-- do I get paid?

No, no, never mind.

Who cares?

I got to go tell Dumbo.

Listen.

There going to be 20 couples.

Maybe more.

Well, I thought you just decided

you wanted a small affair.

Not if it's going to be on television.

You want America to think the Helpers are friendless?

Let her go.

Problem solved.

She's happy.

Yeah, but you're not.

I'm not?

Honey, 20 couples and a camera crew?

They'll wreck the house.

You're right.

I'm not happy.

Yeah, well, Alan won't be either.

He wanted a nice little informal party instead of a parade.

Millie wants a lot of people here because Alan's

going to be here.

When Alan finds out how many people are going to be here,

he won't be here.

Well, then, we'll just have to tell Millie she'll have

to hold the guest list down. - Good.

You do that.

Oh, Rob, I can't.

You just have to tell Alan to expect a crowd.

I can't.

Well, somebody's going to have to tell somebody something.

I'll tell you something, Friday night, we're

going to see more destruction here than when

Godzilla ate up Tokyo.

Uh, Mill, listen.

I'll call you back.

Rob just came in.

Bye bye.

Hi.

What's the matter?

You look terrible.

I am seasick.

How'd you get seasick?

From having a staff meeting on a boat in the middle

of the Hudson River.

Did you tell Alan about the 40 people?

Oh yeah. I told him.

All right.

He blew his top.

Sailor hat and all.

He said that if 40 people were going to be here,

he wasn't coming.

Rob, if he's not coming, Millie will die.

He is coming, and Millie will die.

LAURA: What do you mean?

He wants her to cancel out 28 people.

Well, he has no right.

With him might makes right.

He might not even come.

He might fire me.

Oh, he wouldn't.

He might.

Rob, what am I going to tell Millie?

Say, hello, Millie.

And then say how you like this dress.

Will it show up good on TV?

Millie, you're not going to wear that to the party?

No, silly.

My niece Cynthia is going to wear

it when she does her number.

Her number?

Yeah, she does a dance to the tune of "Some of These Days."

She does?

Yeah.

At every family affair.

What?

Alan Brady won't like it, I suppose.

I don't think so, Millie.

See, Alan kind of likes to be the center of attention.

Boy, what a guy.

Horns in on my party, takes it over.

He won't let my niece do her number.

Whose party is this anyway?

Now, what do you want to say?

What?

Well, when I came in, Laura said what'll we tell Millie.

Now, what are you going to tell me?

Oh.

[clears throat] Mill, you and Jerry have been friends of ours

for too long for me to see you get pushed around.

Who's pushing me?

Millie, Alan wants you to uninvite 28 people.

What?

He only want you to have 12 people at your party.

Well-- how come-- why--

he-- well, what did you say?

Those exact words.

Well, who does he think he is?

You're absolutely right, Millie.

Who needs him, Rob?

Call him up and tell him he can have

his documentary somewhere else.

Right.

I'm going to call him up and tell him not to come.

What?

No Alan Brady!

What kind of a cheesy party you giving us?

Millie, Rob is just doing this for you.

Yeah.

Well, of course, he is.

I'm not good enough to be on television.

He's ashamed of his neighbors.

That's what he is.

The Helpers aren't good enough to wipe

the shoes of his big deal boss.

Yes, you are too, Millie.

I just want to see Alan Brady pushing you around.

Let him push.

Millie, that filming is going to overshadow--

Let him overshadow.

Let him push, overshadow, and kill.

I want him.

I promised all those people they're going to be

on television with Alan Brady.

Now, what I'm going to tell all those people I invited?

Well, you're going to have to tell most of them not to come.

Well, we'll compromise.

We'll chop off all of Jerry's cousins.

I mean, except Hi and Blanche, because they

give good presents.

Who?

Hi and Blanche, the drunk and the flirt.

You know, I mean, she's promised not

to flirt if he doesn't drink.

That brings it down to 20.

He said 12.

Well, we'll hide some in the kitchen.

You really want Alan at the party?

Oh, boy. Listen.

You bet.

And the cameras and the whole bit.

Rob Petrie, if Alan Brady doesn't come to my party,

I'll never speak to you again.

You realize, of course, this cannot work.

Well, I-- it could work.

You know, you know what this party needs?

Canceling.

Which we can't seem to do.

It needs a director.

Well, ready when you are, CB.

Folks, folks, can I have your attention

up here just a second?

Now, I'm sure we've all been to our anniversary parties before,

but this one is a little bit unusual.

Can you people in the kitchen hear me?

JERRY: No!

Jerry is that you?

What are you doing in the kitchen?

You put me here.

I didn't put-- you're not one of the kitchen people.

You said eight people in the kitchen.

I didn't think I was.

No, Jerry.

I said Terry, your cousin.

Get-- will you get out here?

Oh.

Hey, Terry, you stay.

I'm out. Thanks.

OK.

Now, I want everybody just to enjoy themselves and have fun.

Just forget that it's a documentary,

and the fact that this thing is on TV

shouldn't change your behavior in any way.

This is Jerry and Millie's anniversary party.

That's all.

And you should act just the way you did at the last one.

I wasn't invited to the last one.

What am I supposed to do?

Shut up, or they'll put you in the kitchen.

All right.

Everybody start milling around now like it's a normal party.

Just mill-- wait.

Hold it, folks.

Stop the milling, will you?

Just act plain.

That was a very nice speech, but where is he?

I bet he's not coming.

You know those show business people are so undependable.

Millie, calm down.

Wait till he doesn't come, and then go crazy.

Oh, he's not coming.

I know he's not coming.

They don't even have the lights, or the cameras, or anything.

Millie, all that stuff is with Alan.

They've been filming all day, Mill.

Oh, for your sake, I hope you're not lying.

Millie, will you stop worrying and start mingling.

Come on. - OK.

I know who you are.

[giggles] You're Rob Petrie.

We've been introduced before, but I bet

you can't remember who I am.

I bet I can.

You're Blanche the fli--

you're Millie's cousin.

How did you remember?

I-- you just-- fit-- fit the description.

Well, where's your husband?

Where's the bar?

Oh.

Oh, is that your husband sitting over there?

Oh, yes, that's him, the distiller's dream.

OK, Blanche. I see you.

I'm starting.

You're a-- so you're a comedy writer, huh?

Say, I'm just nuts about comedy writers.

I mean, just nuts.

I used to be engaged to one.

Oh, is that right?

Who's that?

Oh, Lou somebody or other.

Hey, Rob. How's it going?

Oh, Buddy. This is Blanche.

Hello, Blanche.

Blanche, this is Buddy.

Hey, you're cute.

Well, you have good taste.

Buddy used to-- is a comedy writer,

too, on "The Alan Brady Show."

Hey, tell me.

What is Alan Brady really like?

I don't think he really likes anything.

You know something?

Alan Brady just knocks me out.

I mean, he just knocks me out.

Oh, does he ever play the trumpet?

What?

The trumpet.

You know, he has those wonderful-- mmm--

curly lips.

Ooh. Ooh.

This is nice.

Oh, it's luscious.

What do you call it?

Mine.

Oh, she's cute.

Oh, this is awfully nice too.

This is very luscious.

I just love fabric.

What do you call it?

Yours.

Hey, you want to feel my necktie?

- Oh, yes. - All right.

Take your hands off my wife, Buddy.

Faster than the speed of light.

Hello there.

You must be Hi.

I'm getting there.

I'm Rob Petrie, Hi.

I'll drink to that.

Rum pot.

He's coming. He's coming.

Oh.

Should I be with Jerry or what?

Just stay calm, Millie.

All right, everybody.

Now, Alan Brady is here.

Oh.

Come on.

Let's go wait at the door.

Wait, wait.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait a minute.

Everybody, get back to your original spots.

Please.

OK, right.

Obviously, I made that whole speech for nothing.

Do you call that acting natural?

Well, there's nothing more natural than answering

a doorbell.

It didn't ring yet, Millie.

And when it does, we don't need 50 people to answer it.

Now, Millie and-- no, Laura, you answer the door.

- I'll be right here with her. - All right.

All right. You answer with her.

Now, the rest of you, I want you all

to stay in your original positions please and act--

and I repeat, act as if Alan Brady is just

another one of the relatives.

If there's any recurrence of what happened before here,

you're going to be plenty sorry.

I'm not kidding.

I'll drink to that.

Lush.

[doorbell rings]

OK, now.

Everybody maintain your positions.

Open the door, Laura.

Rolling.

Oh, here we go, Mr. Brady.

We're rolling.

Hello, Alan.

- Laura, how are you? - Fine.

Thank you.

How are you?

Wonderful.

Hey, the place looks wonderful.

Well, we try.

Here's uh-- - Millie!

Yes.

Congratulations, Millie!

Thanks.

Hey, everybody.

Here's my old friend, Alan Brady.

Hi, gang.

It's the Alan Brady, my old friend the television star.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Hold it. Cut.

What are we playing here?

Living statues?

And I said cut. I said cut.

Cut!

Cut!

Rob, don't these people own television sets?

Of course.

Well, where's the adoration that usually greets me

when I run into a room?

Well, Alan, we thought-- I felt--

These people are supposed to be my friends,

the little people who love me.

Why don't you rush to the door and love me?

Rob told us not to.

That a boy, Benedict.

You told them all to ignore me?

You told them to turn their back when I

give them my famous "Hi, gang"?

- Hi. - Yeah, see.

That's the idea. That's what I mean.

Hi.

Alan, I wanted it to look natural.

You think it's natural for a roomful of Americans

to turn their back on a beloved star?

Now, let's take it again with a little excitement this time.

And all the love you got, just throw it at me.

Love me. Love me.

Love me. - That don't me you, Blanche.

It means everybody. Now, love it up.

Let's take it from the doorbell.

[interposing voices]

Is the lapel mic picking it up?

What about the sound?

Everyone be warm and charming.

Rob, this is so embarrassing.

It needn't be.

I've got a great idea. - What?

[doorbell rings]

Don't answer the door.

- Oh. - Rolling.

All right. Here we go.

Rolling the camera.

Oh, put your hat on. ALAN: Oh.

All right.

Let's try it again.

Oh, ding dong.

Here we go.

Come on, Mr. Alan.

Oh, Laura.

Hello, Alan.

- It's good to see you. - How's your hat?

- Fine. - I'll take your--

Thank you very much.

Alan, you're so funny, just like on television.

Yes.

Congratulations, Millie.

Hey, everybody.

Look who's here.

[clamoring]

How are you?

Oh.

Oh, it's good, good, good day to be back with my old friends.

Hiya, baby. How you been?

Oh, it's so wonderful of you to come, Mr. Brady.

Well, I wouldn't miss Millie and Gary's anniversary.

Jerry's.

It's Jerry.

Hi, Gary, how are you?

Oh, tell me, Alan.

Did you ever play the trumpet?

Well, yeah, a little.

Oh, I knew it.

I knew it.

[laughs] Oh, this is where I want to be.

This is where I belong.

Oh, yes.

I always feel such warmth here, and friendship, and love.

Oh, indeed. Yes, and love.

Love.

Hi.

Hi there.

Take your hands off my wife.

I'll hit you in the gut.

[laughs] He's kidding, isn't he?

Oh yeah?

Ah!

[shouting]

Cut!

I didn't do anything.

[singing]

Wait a minute.

Well, folks.

That's been my day from the early morning run

in the park, the visit with mom, relaxing on my boat

with my trusted friends, and best

of all, a little informal entertainment

we staged for you here.

Rob, you did a great job of that little impromptu scene you

did here with Hi and Blanche.

[chuckles] I'd like you to meet Hi and Blanche.

This is Blanche, and she's not really a flirt.

[chuckles]

And-- and that's her husband, Hi.

And he's not really a drunk.

I'll drink to that.

[laughs]

Well, Rob, it's really, really been a pleasure.

I'm so glad you invited me.

Thanks a lot.

Anything you'd like to say before I go?

Well, nothing, Alan, except that whenever you come

to our house, we can always expect

something exciting and unusual.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

Good night, Lana.

See ya.

Good night, everybody.

Mike, Fred, Jerry, Laura, Jim.

- Good night. - Fred.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

And cut!

Wait a minute.

What cut?

I'm not out the door yet.

I want a dramatic exit.

I want a warm delightful, friendly, ending, you dummy.

Get that drunk up.

We'll take it again.

We did it five times already, Alan.

We did it five times, and we'll do it 500 times

till we get it right, Rob.

We'll be here for the next anniversary.

Well, that's up to you, Rob.

I want a warm, friendly ending.

She's the only one who knows how to do it.

All right now.

Warm and friendly, everybody please.

And you people in the kitchen keep it down.

Is the lapel mic picking up out there?

OK.

Let's go, warm and friendly.

Here's the hat.

Warm and friendly this time please.

All right. Roll it.

MAN: Rolling.

Well, folks.

That's been my day from the early morning trot in the park,

to the little breakfast with my wife--

[theme music]