All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s05e23

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

[whistling]

[humming]

Good evening.

Friend of the groom, right this way.

Friend of the bride, right here.

I'm a friend of the usher.

Would you do me up, please?

Oh, OK.

Gee, Rob, I hate going to the wedding all alone.

I feel so silly.

I told you I'll be there right after I watch the show.

Yeah, but Edabeth wants everything to go just right.

It already did.

She got a guy, didn't she?

All right, Rob.

I know you're not too fond of cousin Edabeth,

but she liked us enough to make me matron of honor

and you an usher.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Yeah, operator, Rob Petrie.

Oh, hi, Alan.

Yeah.

Alan, don't worry.

I'll watch it.

There's no use threatening me, Alan.

Yeah, I know.

Look, I'll-- if I don't think it's the right

girl for the show, I'll call you and tell you.

It doesn't make any difference if I watch

it here in Albany or at home.

It's the same show.

Right.

I'll call you as soon as it's over.

Yeah, bye.

How many times is he going to call you?

Well, it's important.

This might be the right girl to be Alan's partner.

Oh.

Rob, are you sure you know how to find St. Bartholomew's?

You might get lost.

You might not even get there at all.

Honey, the show will be over at 8:30.

I'll be there by 9:00.

OK.

What am I going to tell Edabeth, anyway?

Tell her the truth.

Well, it just sounds so silly.

Rob will be a little late.

He had to stay home and watch a fashion show on TV.

It really doesn't sound important next to a wedding.

You tell her that if I don't watch it, I'll lose my job.

That sounds important next to anything.

Hey, why wouldn't you come with me and watch

the show at St. Bartholomew's?

At a church?

Oh, yeah, I guess they wouldn't have a television set

there, would they?

Boy, if they did, they'd get fantastic reception, though.

I've got to get going.

Like that?

What's wrong?

Well, honey, at a wedding, everybody's

supposed to look at the bride. It isn't fair.

They'll all be staring at you.

Oh, you're just saying that to make up for not going with me.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Well, it worked.

I've got to get going. It's almost seven.

Yeah, the show's on in a half hour.

I'd better warm up the set with the news.

All right. Don't be late.

Don't worry.

I'll be there before the groom, if he shows up.

Rob!

I'm kidding.

Laura, I'm kidding.

[door closing]

[coughing]

[AIRPLANE RUMBLING ON TELEVISION]

Oh, gosh.

A little awkward, but I guess I'll get used to it.

That's ridiculous.

I can't go wrinkled over to Saint--

Saint-- what's the name of the church?

Saint-- oh, I just said it--

Saint--

[snapping]

It's named after some famous kid actor.

Oh, Saint, uh, Coogan--

Saint Rudy-- oh, boy.

Desk?

Did a bridesmaid just go out the door?

Well, I mean in a long dress.

Well, it was, uh, peach--

never mind.

Look.

Do you happen to know the name of a church in town here

that is named after a famous kid actor?

Forget it!

Saint Withers.

Saint, uh, [inaudible].

Shirley Temple.

They wouldn't name a church Temple.

S-- oh!

If I see it, I'll recognize it.

Saints, Saints-- no, churches.

[loud boom]

Oh!

I--

[inaudible] fix the set.

This show is really important to me.

Oh, I can see that.

You're wearing a tuxedo just to watch it.

[inaudible].

Class.

Class, you got class. - No.

You-- I'm going someplace later.

That-- oh, that reminds me.

What are you going to do now?

I've got to look up a church.

Oh, look, I know this set's in bad shape,

but praying is not going to help it.

No.

I-- I wasn't--

Say, I was only funning you.

Around the hotel here, they call me Funny Forrest.

Well, nice to know you, Forrest.

Hi.

Ah, here, churches.

St. Andrews, St. Bartholomew--

that's it!

Freddie Bartholomew.

Did they make him a saint?

No, no.

I-- you're funning me again, Forrest.

Not that time.

He made some wonderful pictures.

Yeah, he did.

All right.

He was great.

I hope you can fix that by 7:30.

Yeah, I'll have it.

I-- look, do you suppose there's any

other TV set available?

Maybe in another room or something.

Oh, no, the hotel is all sold out.

The Seals convention is here, you know.

Seals?

The joint's full of Seals.

But I'll get this thing fixed for you,

and I'll be back in a jiffy.

Hey, where are you going?

I'm going to get a sandwich.

What?

What--

You see, I was only funning you again.

Oh.

I've got to go get one of these.

See, this blew out.

It's no good, see? - Yeah.

So I got to go and get a new one.

Because if I put this one back in there,

and you turn the set on, you can watch it for hours.

You wouldn't see anything. - I wouldn't.

I'm going to get you a new one of these.

This is no good. - Yeah.

This is no good.

Oh.

Uh, desk?

This is Mr. Petrie in room 110.

Would it be possible to get another TV set?

Well, no, the one in my room is broke--

yeah, I'll hold on.

Hello?

This is 110.

Look, my TV set's--

Forrest?

No, this is Mr. Petrie in 110, Forrest.

No, I'm not, uh, checking on you.

No, I just-- I wanted--

I was checking to see if there's another TV set available.

Good.

I'm glad you buy that.

Yeah.

Rockets going into space.

Men walking around in space.

I can't even get a TV set to watch in my hotel room.

Hi.

They made me an honorary Seal.

Big deal.

If I don't wear this, they squirt seltzer on me.

Look.

I'm having a little problem.

The clerk said all the rooms are full, huh?

They're full of Seals.

This ain't a hotel anymore.

It's a zoo.

Look.

I was wondering if maybe some of the Seals

were out of their rooms right now.

Why?

Oh, I thought maybe I could go in there

and watch their television set.

Oh, yeah?

No, I'm not a thief.

Well, you can even watch me.

Look, mister, I've got to turn down 100 beds.

I got no time to watch no man watching TV.

Look.

Maybe do-- do the maids have a room or anything

with a TV set in it?

TV?

We had to go on strike to get a sink.

Why don't you go down to the bar, huh?

Well, that's a good idea.

Thanks. Listen.

Don't worry about the hat.

It looks cute.

Oh.

Seals.

Funny hats, they know.

Tips, they never heard of.

[laughter]

Hi.

What'll it be? - Well, I tell you.

I was wondering if I could watch the television set.

Oh, sure. The fights are on now.

[bell ringing]

Oh, well, I didn't want to watch the fights.

There's another show I'd kind of like to see.

Well, you'll have to ask those fellows.

In a bar, the majority rules.

Oh.

Well, thank you.

Hi there.

Hi.

[imitating seals]

[laughter]

- I'm Fred [inaudible]. - Yeah.

I'm Sam Thomas.

How you been?

[barking]

Rob Petrie, glad to meet you.

You didn't give us the old Seal sign.

- Where's your hat? - Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm not one of you.

I'm just a guest at the hotel here.

That's a cute greeting, though.

[barking]

Don't do that if you're not a seal.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I have a great respect for your group.

Good. Well, sit down and have a drink.

Well, I'll tell you.

I was hoping to watch the television.

Oh, yeah? Good.

You like fights? - Yeah, I do.

But there's another show I'd kind of like to see.

What show?

Well, it's a, uh, fashion show.

You want to watch a fashion show?

He's no Seal, Fred.

I think he's an odd fellow.

A fashion show?

Well, yeah.

You know, you guys weren't really

watching the fights, anyway. And--

[bell ringing]

It's kind of a manly fashion show.

It's from Madison Square Garden.

Why don't you go to your room and watch

your little old fashion show?

Well, that's not it.

You see, my TV set's broken in my room.

Look.

You guys were here first. Go ahead and watch the fights.

Now wait a minute, pal.

Don't go away mad.

You'll give the Seals a bad name, say we wouldn't

let you watch your show.

We stand for democracy, you know.

Yeah, I know.

Now, that's right.

We'll have a vote.

All those in favor of the fights, raise your hand.

What do you vote?

Oh, I don't vote.

Uh, bartenders are neutral.

All right.

Two to one.

Democracy always wins.

Go find someplace else to watch it.

Well, look, if we're going to vote, let's

count everybody in here, shall we?

OK.

Uh, excuse me, folks.

We're having a little vote on what to watch on TV,

the fights or the fashion show.

Oh, well, anything's fine with us.

I hate all that fighting.

Whatever she says goes.

We just got married.

Turn on the fashion show.

Oh, thank you.

I'm sure you're going to both be very, very happy.

Well, I won.

Three to two, uh, democratically, that is.

Uh, just a minute.

Hey, Lou.

We're taking your vote.

What do you want to see?

The fights or the fashion show?

How come you're open for business on election day?

Look, the guy's too drunk to vote.

Hey, hold it.

Your two votes are leaving.

Well, hey, folks.

Wait a minute.

Uh, do you have to leave right now?

It's our honeymoon.

Well, it's back two to one.

You lose.

Hey, you guys.

The whoopee session is starting.

Come on.

Hey, Lou, come on.

Let's go see the girl get into the cake.

[laughter]

Well, I believe that makes it unanimous.

Will you turn the set on, please?

[music playing]

No.

Sorry, pal.

When the music starts, the TV has to go off.

It's a union rule.

Oh, nuts!

What would you like to hear, mister?

Who cares?

(SINGING) Who cares [inaudible]..

Wendell Henderson, if you leave now,

you might just as well not come back.

Sugar, the whoopee session is the most

fun of the whole darn convention,

and wives just aren't allowed.

You told me I was going to sing.

Well, that was before we voted to have

a whoopee session instead of an entertainment show.

I brought my music and my costume and everything.

Oh, Sugar, you know I voted for the variety

night just like you told me.

But the Grand Bull Seals out-barked me.

Wendell, if I don't get to sing, the least you can do

is stay here with me.

Oh, Sugar, I don't want to miss this.

We're going to put frogs under the speaker's chair

and drop water balloons out of the windows and everything.

You know I'm in charge of the frogs.

Wendell, do you like frogs better than me?

Not better, honey.

Different.

All right, Wendell, go to your stupid old whoopee session.

But just remember, there are plenty of men who would rather

be with me than some old frog.

Now, Sugar, I--

[door slamming]

Hi, brother.

Better get into some old clothes for whoopee.

[barking]

Oh, I'm not a--

I'm a-- I'm a writer.

He fixed it.

He didn't fix it.

Oh, dumb.

Plug it in first.

I told you, prayer won't help you.

I thought you fixed it.

No, not yet.

But after I get this little dinghy in there,

boy, you'll be able to see all the way to Miami.

[buzzing]

Oh!

What happened?

Some donkey plugged the set in.

You're a funny little devil, ain't you?

Are you going to help me up?

Yeah.

I fell all the way down, you know.

[inaudible]

I'm sorry, Forrest.

Oh, that's [inaudible].

I didn't hurt my hand.

Uh-oh.

Now look what you did.

You blew out two tubes.

Oh, Forrest, I'm really sorry.

I'll buy that.

[phone ringing]

I'll round up some stuff for you.

All right.

You see, if I put these two tubes in the set,

the set wouldn't-- you could sit there all day--

It won't work. [phone ringing]

And the set wouldn't work.

I've got to get the [inaudible]. - OK.

You get them.

I'll be right back.

Hello?

Yeah, Rob Petrie.

Hi, Alan.

Yeah.

No, I'm right in front of the set, Alan.

Yeah.

Well, I know it's important.

Who shut up?

Oh, Mel's there, yeah.

No, I haven't seen enough of her to judge yet, Alan.

She, uh, looks pretty good.

I, uh-- look, why can't I call you back when I've seen her?

When I-- when I have seen more of her, yeah.

OK.

I'll call you as soon as--

listen, say shut-- say goodbye-- hi to Mel, will you?

OK.

I'll call you as soon as it's over.

Bye.

I've got to go somewhere and see that show.

The next time I come to Albany to usher at a wedding,

I'm bringing a TV set.

The next time I come to Albany to usher at a wedding--

WOMAN (ON TV): Our next selection

from the [inaudible] collection in a silk and burlap

gown called Town and Country.

That's the fashion show.

WOMAN (ON TV): And for that very special evening,

this enchanted--

[knocking]

SUGAR: Just a minute.

WOMAN (ON TV): And for the beach,

simply remove the cape and-- - Yes?

Uh, hi.

Uh, I'm your next door neighbor, across the hall there in 110.

I heard your TV set.

Oh, is it too loud?

No.

No, it's fine.

Matter of fact, it sounds great.

Well, what did you want then?

Well, you see, my, uh, television set broke.

Well, there's a special television show I'm supposed

to be watching right now.

And you-- you have it on.

Well, you see, I'm a television writer.

Oh, a television writer.

Oh, well, you come right in and watch.

Really?

You sure would be a big help to me.

Oh, good.

You may be a big help to me, too.

Oh, darling, I'm so happy.

Oh!

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, Laura, thank you.

Come on in to the reception.

[chatter]

Honey.

Go away.

Will you just let me talk?

There is nothing to talk about, Rob.

I've never been so humiliated in my whole life.

Coming late to the wedding wasn't bad enough.

No, no.

You had to walk down the aisle in that suit.

Honey, my tux was ruined.

I had to borrow one.

From Bozo the clown?

All those people laughing, Rob, I could have died.

I didn't want laughs.

Well, then why are you wearing a hairy tuxedo?

I had to borrow it from Wendell.

Who's Wendell?

Well, in the next room.

He's a Seal.

There are seals in the room next to ours?

Honey, I am trying to explain to you.

Will you stop talking crazy?

You borrow a tuxedo from a seal, but I'm talking crazy?

All right. Go ahead.

Tell me what happened.

Why don't you start with this advertisement?

Well, Wendell's a bull.

I thought he was a seal.

Well, he's a bull seal, honey.

Our TV set was broke.

I was like-- I couldn't get another--

did you get my message?

What message?

I called here.

I got-- I got some altar boy.

No altar boy gave me any message.

Gee, if you can't trust an altar boy, who can you trust?

It doesn't matter.

I'm dead anyway.

My tombstone will read "Laura Petrie died of embarrassment."

Honey, do you think I wanted to wear

this darn [inaudible] tux?

Even Reverend Dorman is upset the way you behaved, Rob.

No one will ever forgive you.

Honey, Reverend Dorman has to forgive me.

Go ahead, keep right on clowning.

I am not clowning.

[screaming]

I'm sorry.

Well, uh, dear, why don't we go into the reception?

That way you can throw the wedding cake in my face.

Oh, for the--

Wendell must have brought me this from the whoopee session.

I will never forget this, Rob, as long as I live.

Honey, I know you're upset.

I never could fool you, could I?

Sit down, will you?

Why?

Is the bench going to collapse?

That's it, right?

Fade out.

Laura, I'm going to talk, and you are going to listen.

Let me wipe the water off.

It's not water.

They're tears.

Honey, I've just had a really unusual evening.

Will you let me explain it to you?

All right.

Go ahead.

OK.

I don't know where to start.

Why don't you start with the hairy tuxedo?

Honey, my TV set was broken.

I couldn't find another one.

If it hadn't been for Sugar--

Sugar?

Sugar Henderson, Wendell's wife.

All right. OK.

It sounds crazy, but here it is.

The TV set in our room was broken.

I couldn't watch the fashion show until I heard it

coming from the room next door.

I went over.

I knocked on the door, and the lady, Sugar, let me in.

[music playing]

Well, you can sit here.

No, this is more comfortable.

I've got a, uh-- a trick back.

Yeah.

It feels fine this way.

You know, I've thought of trying

to make it on television.

But I hear it's pretty rough unless you know someone.

Yeah, that's true.

And now I guess I know someone.

Oh, you mean-- look, I don't have

anything to do with hiring.

I'm a writer.

I guess it's pretty hard to recommend somebody,

though, unless you know their work.

Yeah. Oh, here.

I think the sports clothes are on now.

Oh.

Well, um, you just stay as long as you want.

I just want to take out my rollers.

Make yourself comfortable.

I'm-- I'm comfortable.

[groaning]

Are you ready?

No.

Mrs. Henderson?

Presenting Sugar Henderson.

[humming]

That's the brass.

And her fabulous, Hanky Panky.

Uh, hanky panky?

Well, see, that's what I call my act,

because I use this long hanky.

When I sing, I panky it.

Oh, let me show you just one number.

Look.

I have to watch.

Oh, well, you can watch, but you don't have to listen.

Look. I'm just a hire--

I-- I'm not-- I'm--

I'm not-- I'm just a looker, honest.

Oh, well, then look. (SINGING) Give me a little kiss, will ya?

Huh?

I think this is the part I'm supposed to look at right here.

That's a shaving commercial.

Oh.

I thought all that lather was [inaudible] or something.

Mickey Mantle looks good, though, doesn't he?

(SINGING) Give me a little squeeze, oh, will ya, huh?

Boy, look at that guy shave.

What is the matter with me?

Huh?

Well, nobody pays any attention to me.

My husband goes up with them silly seals,

and you want to watch Mickey Mantle shave.

I am a full grown woman, you know.

And I'm a full grown married man.

Hey, I don't care if you're Cary Grant.

All I want to do is audition.

Now let me sing.

Now, here.

This is the panky part.

This is where I panky my hanky.

Look.

Couldn't you show me some other part?

(SINGING) Give me a little kiss, oh, will ya, huh?

Give me a little squeeze, will ya, huh?

See, this is where I wrap myself up with the customer.

Yeah.

Got your-- whoops, sorry.

Wait a minute.

You don't under--

Mister, I scrub floors, turn down

beds, and keep my mouth shut.

You did pretty good in the bar, didn't ya, ace?

Oh, don't pay any attention to her. (SINGING)

Give me a little kiss, will ya, huh?

I better get out of here before somebody else comes.

Wendell.

Your husband.

What's this?

I was just watching a little television.

Television?

With the set off?

I came back early just to be with you.

I even brought a leftover frog so we could have our own fun.

Oh, Wendell, you do care about me.

I'll just leave you two lovebirds alone.

Not-- just a minute.

Not so fast.

Look, I haven't got time to wait.

I've got to get to a wedding in [inaudible]..

Well, you-- look what you did to my tux.

Well, you deserved it.

Wendell, you leave him alone.

Shut up, Sugar!

Wendell, don't get excited.

Nothing happened in here.

I was simply sitting here watching television.

Wendell, what am I sitting on?

My frog!

You've killed my frog.

It's still alive.

Well, get it.

Oh, pick it up.

[inaudible].

I can't live like this, Wendell.

You just killed my frog again.

And the frog was only wounded, but my tux was killed.

Multiple rips and stains.

You believe me?

Of course, I believe you.

Well, are you still mad at me?

Of course, I'm still mad at you.

But I just happen to love you more than I'm mad at you.

Look, if Edabeth asks us what happened, let's make up a lie,

huh?

It's kind of unbelievable, isn't it?

Yeah.

You know, if this were on your side of the family,

I could almost laugh.

Yeah.

Gee, honey, I'm glad you're not mad anymore.

I just figured a nutty looking husband

was better than no husband.

Yeah.

Gee, you had to go through all that,

and you didn't even get to see the girl on TV, huh?

Oh, no, I saw her while I was changing my tux.

Oh. Well, how was she?

She was awful.

I'd rather have Sugar on the show.

I called Alan.

[inaudible] thought she-- he hated her performance.

Oh, that's a shame.

Why a shame?

She got the job.

Well, you just said that Alan hated her.

He hated her performance.

I don't understand.

Well, honey, I'd explain it to you, but we're in a church.

Robbie, Laura, come on into the reception.

Oh, Edabeth.

Oh, Robbie, I don't care how people are dressed.

The important thing is that you're here.

All my family and friends gathered together for me.

Oh, Robbie, I'm so happy.

[sputtering]

Oh, I'm sorry!

Oh, Rob!

[chatter]

I'm not a Seal.

I just look like one, that's all.

[yelling]

What a place!

Hey, there's a note here for us.

Yeah?

"She's all fixed up.

No funning.

You can see all the way to Miami."

Signed "Funny Forrest."

Now he fixes it.

Well, I'm glad.

I'd like to watch a good movie.

Turn it on, honey.

[loud boom]

[gasping] - Rob, look!

Oh, no, a rerun.

Well!

Never mind honey.

There's no water in there.

I'll get it.

[music playing]