All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s05e21

NARRATOR: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

I-- I feel terrible about leaving

you guys with all this work.

Well, Sally, you don't have to feel that way.

Let her feel that way. It's a good idea.

She'd walk around with a guilt complex, and I'd feel better.

Oh, come on.

I'm too filled with fear to feel guilt.

What kind of fear?

What are you worried about?

You're going on the television, do a couple of stale jokes.

You've done "The Stevie Parsons" show a dozen times.

Why are you suddenly afraid?

I know, Rob, but I've used up all my best stories.

So dazzle them with your beauty.

Oh, thanks, Buddy. I don't need flattery.

I need a joke.

That was a joke.

OK, I'll settle for the flattery, huh?

Oh, boy, I'm late.

Listen, if that's "The Stevie Parson's" show,

will you tell them I left an hour ago?

Hello.

Oh yeah, just a second.

Sal?

She left an hour ago.

It's a man.

Did you still leave an hour ago?

I just came back.

Hello, Sally Roger speaking.

Hello, Sally. Guess who.

It's not a man.

It's Herman Glimscher.

What is it, Herman?

Well, I'm just calling to find out if our regular Tuesday

night date is on for tonight.

No, it's not.

I'm doing "The Stevie Parsons Show" tonight.

Is "The Stevie Parsons Show" more important to you

than I am?

Next question.

I know what's the matter with you.

You're angry about last night.

You bet I am.

I was stood up, and that's it.

But when I got the tickets, I could only get two.

Yeah, and it worked out swell, didn't it?

Two was plenty.

One for you, one for your mother.

When I bought the tickets, I thought

my mother would be in Florida.

Oh, I didn't know her apron strings stretched that far.

I don't blame you for being angry, but I can explain.

Look, Herman, I'm in a hurry.

How's some of the time?

When should I call you?

Well, how about the turn of the century?

Watch it, Sally, don't push me too far.

OK, Herman, look, I'm late.

You mean, you can't go out with me tonight, is that right?

That's right. I can't.

Goodbye, Herman.

Goodbye

Boy, what a relationship.

Hey, that's it. - What's it?

What?

I can use that on "The Stevie Parson's Show" tonight.

I'll talk about Herman.

You always talk about Herman.

Yeah, but tonight I got a different story.

His taking his mother to the theater instead of me

should be funny.

Sad but funny.

Sal, I wouldn't kid about that too much.

You can lose a guy that way.

Don't you think there are any other guys?

Well, no, I didn't say that.

Well I'll say it.

You don't exactly have a posse trailing after you, you know?

Oh, I wish I had some jokes.

Why don't you try some of those crazy commercial jokes,

you know? SALLY: What do you mean?

Like Dear Doctor, I was deaf for 12 years,

but still using your wonderful ear oil I heard from my brother

in Nebraska.

Buddy, that's it.

I love you, Buddy.

That's wonderful.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

It wasn't that good.

I know, I know, but the idea.

Commercial.

I'll advertise for a husband on television.

Funny?

Well, I-- that's not what Buddy-- that's not--

you didn't mean that, did you?

If it's funny I meant it.

That's it.

That's it.

I'll advertise me.

Boy, I bet no one ever advertised for a husband

on national television before.

You might get some laughs.

Well, that's what I'm after, isn't it?

Just be very careful, Sal.

Advertise for a husband you might

get a husband and some laughs, but you

also might get some crackpots.

All right, so advertise for a crackpot.

You'll get a husband.

OK, guys.

Wish me luck.

[music playing]

ROB: Hey, honey what's happening?

Commercial.

ROB: Well, turn the sound up.

I'm reading.

ROB: Well, I don't want to miss Sally.

I'm keeping my eye open.

ROB: Well, I don't want to see introduction.

TV ANNOUNCER: --or your money back.

And now more of "The Stevie Parson Show"

with Stevie's guests tonight.

Comedian Leighton Phillips, starlet February Ann--

ROB: Hey, is she on the show?

Back.

TV ANNOUNCER: --comedy writer Sally

Rogers, skateboard champion Donna Drakey,

and here's Stevie.

Boy, boy, I don't understand how the country can stay up

half the night just to watch a grown man play

with children's toys and games.

Well, he's got what the public likes,

his boyish grin and an evil mind.

Hey, he's doing something.

Let's see what he's doing.

Oh no, Rob, you always press the wrong button.

Untrue.

PAT O'BRIEN (ON TV): So let's win this one for the Gipper.

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): Sir, you have won

a do-it-yourself salami kit.

Here's the garlic.

And we're going to send you a bunch of fat

and a bunch of chopped meat.

You can make your own.

And right now I would like to bring on a very special treat,

someone who has been on the show many times before,

and who I always love to see here.

She's America's blind date, Miss Sally Rogers.

[studio audience applause]

Oh, hey, listen.

How about a kiss for old Stevie, huh?

SALLY (ON TV): You been eating garlic?

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): Eating garlic?

Oh, no, I've been giving it away.

SALLY (ON TV): I don't think you've given enough of it away.

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): Listen, how

would you like to slide in here, and sit next to old Steve?

SALLY (ON TV): Oh, are you kidding?

And hide this beautiful dress from America.

I should say--

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): Well, I must say,

that is a beautiful dress.

Hey, stretch, how about a little new dress walking music?

[music playing]

Oh, god, what is that?

I said "new dress" not "undress."

Sit down. SALLY (ON TV): Oh, OK.

Thank you.

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): Listen, it's really great to see you.

SALLY (ON TV): Oh, thank you so much.

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): Are the fellows

all still chasing you around?

SALLY (ON TV): Well, I don't want to say anything,

but coming down on the subway, I had

to change my seat five times.

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): Some guy got fresh with you?

SALLY (ON TV): Yeah, finally.

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): Sally, that is a very old joke.

SALLY (ON TV): It's a very old guy.

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): Listen, how's your boyfriend?

SALLY (ON TV): Oh, you mean Herman Glimscher?

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): Yeah, that's the one.

What do you hear from him?

SALLY (ON TV): His mother's voice.

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): That dear, sweet, poor old lady.

She's still giving you a lot of trouble?

SALLY (ON TV): Yeah. Can I tell you about it?

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): Well, you better or you don't get your

$320.

SALLY (ON TV): That's good.

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): Say, listen,

I've got a commercial coming up, so you've

got a minute and a half.

SALLY (ON TV): Well, don't worry I talk about Herman

for more than a minute I get sick.

Down in the Village they had this off Broadway production

that I wanted to see.

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): What is it?

What show?

SALLY (ON TV): Oh, I can't remember the name of it,

but I don't know.

It's a story about this couple who live in an icebox.

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): A couple who lives in an icebox?

SALLY (ON TV): Yeah, there's not much room, but they eat well.

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): Sounds cool.

SALLY (ON TV): Yeah, it is cool.

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): So anyway.

SALLY (ON TV): Anyway Herman got these two tickets,

so his mother went to Florida.

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): That's perfect.

SALLY (ON TV): Yeah, but she came right back.

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): Why?

SALLY (ON TV): They refused her.

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): The state of Florida

refused to let her in.

SALLY (ON TV): Yeah, and that's the fifth state this year.

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): So she went to the play.

SALLY (ON TV): Yeah.

Well, I didn't care too much because I

had a much better evening.

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): Oh really?

What did you do?

SALLY (ON TV): I stayed home, and fixed my toaster.

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): You fixed your toaster?

SALLY (ON TV): Yes.

I made 12 pounds of toast, and I chopped it up into croutons.

Look, if I ever meet a guy with a bath tub full of pea soup,

boy could I make a deal.

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): Yeah, well, listen, I want to hear

more about your croutons.

But right now, I've got to sell something.

SALLY (ON TV): No, no, I'll sell something.

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): Oh, that's a good idea.

Just hold it the right side up.

SALLY (ON TV): No, no, I won't need that.

Thanks a lot.

Men, I want to tell you about an exciting new product, me.

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): That's not a new product.

SALLY (ON TV): Yeah, that's why I'm

trying to get it off the shelf.

Fellows, if you're dull, uninteresting, unattractive,

chances are we've already met.

But if you're of voting age--

better make that twice voting age--

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): Yeah.

SALLY (ON TV): --and if you still

haven't found the ideal girl, why don't you

give up and try me?

Just sit down, and write yourself a marriage proposal,

and send it to SOS.

That's me, Sweet Old Sal, care of this program.

All proposals will be judged impartially by one, me.

Now fellows, look, I'm not kidding.

You start writing those letters.

And now, here's Stevie.

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): That's right,

she's not kidding, you better.

And oh, by the way, does neatness count?

SALLY (ON TV): Yes!

STEVIE PARSON (ON TV): Good.

Men, when neatness really counts--

SALLY (ON TV): Oh.

What was Sally worried about?

She got a lot of laughs.

She's going to get a lot of letters too.

You really think she'll get letters?

From every nut and screwball with a pencil.

But she was kidding.

So was Alan Brady kidding that time he

offered a million dollars to anybody who come

up with a new name for butter.

Don't tell me you got letters.

Oh, no.

What do you think of the word "mush-lick?"

[music playing]

Hi, guys.

Hey, hello, celebrity.

Sal, you're on the phone.

Funny, I thought I was at the piano.

Stevie Parson wants to talk to you.

SALLY: Oh.

BUDDY: Yeah, I bet they want you back on the show.

Probably wants to marry me.

Everyone else does.

I don't.

Who needs you?

Hello, Sally Roger speaking.

Doorman wants to marry me, the cab driver.

Even Pete the elevator guy.

Hi, Stevie.

Yeah, oh, it was fun.

It was great fun.

Yeah.

Oh, my mother and my aunt loved it.

Uh-huh.

The mail?

Yeah, it's here.

That's not very exciting, no.

What's-- hey, did you fellows see a sack of mail?

Hey, will you settle for a tub of lard?

Mel, is that for me?

Yes.

Stevie, it just came.

I'll call you right back after I read it, OK?

Bye.

Sally, I didn't see the show, but look at all this mail.

I hope you didn't say anything offensive.

Just your name.

Why, look at all this mail, and it's all for me!

And from all these fellows.

Oh, come on.

Help me sort them out.

Rob, I hope you're not going to waste all day on this.

OK, so we'll waste it on something else.

You know, you couldn't be replaced.

Why not?

Because I don't know what you are.

Hey, come on, guys.

Help me sort these out.

Let's put the rich ones in this pile,

and let's put the cute one in this pile.

Wow, you're not going to read them now?

Wow, you're not going to try and stop me, are you?

My future may be in this bag.

That's what I said the first time I saw my wife.

Come on, Rob, will you?

Oh, well, all right.

Here goes the whole day then.

You can't read just one, then you have to read them all.

They're like pistachio nuts.

They're like all kinds of nuts.

Here's a macadamia.

He's from Honolulu.

Listen to this.

Aloha, Sally, come visit me in Hawaii,

and walk on the golden sand beneath the sun drenched

palm trees by the blue Pacific.

And it's signed Ralph Kakalani.

That's not a nut.

Well, he's the manager of a hotel.

Manager Kakalani.

Hotel rates 2,750 and up.

Well, save it.

I may be able to use it with one of these guys.

Oh, boy, now, listen to this.

"Marry me or I'll blow up Denver, Colorado."

Hey, if you don't marry him, let me know.

I got an aunt in Denver.

Oh, boy, you guys are so insensitive.

Listen to this.

"Dear Miss Rogers, if you're serious,

I'd like to recommend a Mr. Harvey Johnson.

Signed, Mrs. Harvey Johnson.

There's a PS on it.

She says, "I don't want to mislead you or anything, but as

one woman to another I feel it's my duty to tell

you that Harvey stinks."

Hey, listen, save that.

If Stevie ever asks me back on the show, I could use it.

OK, Sal, see what's in the package.

Oh, yeah.

I wonder what this could be.

Oh, something about that size.

Maybe two things this size.

Oh, a cake.

A fruitcake.

I bet he is.

Let me see what he says.

"Sally dear, next week, I leave the bakery

for the machine shop.

I'll make you license plates with your initials.

Love you, Biggie the Bullet.

Isn't that cute?

Wait a minute, you want to meet this guy?

Send the cake back with a file in it.

Oh, Rob.

ROB: What?

You shouldn't have. ROB: What?

Here, smell this.

Smells like your shaving lotion.

Mm.

Hey, here's a beaut.

A guy wants to know if you've got a sister.

Why?

He don't like you.

Hey, what's mister shaving lotion got to say?

Yeah, it's OK.

Fine.

Uh-oh, that's not a funny one, is it?

No, not funny at all.

"Dear lovely Sally, I know the shaving lotion is awful."

Uh-huh.

So far I don't like him.

"But if it caused you to open this, it's done its work.

I know your marriage appeal was all in fun.

In fact, I found it inspired fun, so I'm not

proposing merely confessing.

You seem to me witty, sensible, bright, generous,

and all together rare."

Sounds like he's been drinking the shaving lotion.

"Something genuine about you touches something real in me.

Whatever happens thanks for being Sally Rodgers."

And it's signed box 7030.

Gee, that's a nice number.

7030, I bet that's not his real number.

Well, it just goes to show you I'm not desperate

or else I'd be answering this one.

BUDDY: Well, you're not tearing it up.

Well, who knows?

Tomorrow I may be desperate.

[music playing]

[knock on door]

Could you get that, Buddy?

Yeah.

Come in.

ROB: Hey, Herman.

How are you?

Hey, Sally, your boyfriend's here.

Whoopee.

Hello, Rob. Hello, Buddy.

- Hi. - Hello, Herman.

How's everything?

Oh, fair to middling.

Just happened to be in the neighborhood.

Well, aren't you going to say hello, Sally?

Hello, Sally.

Oh, isn't she something?

Just happened to be in the neighborhood, Sal.

Yeah, well we've established that.

Don't you want to come with me to Mel's office?

Why, what's playing there?

Mel needs up there.

He needs us.

I want to stay here and watch them neck.

Well, we've made the most of an embarrassing situation.

Let's go.

I don't want to go to Mel's office.

Not tonight.

Bye, Buddy.

Bye, Rob.

Bye.

What's that?

The mail?

No, it's confetti with a thyroid condition.

Of course it's the mail.

Just so happens to be some of my fan mail.

From a lot of goofy guys, huh?

No, on the contrary.

I have some very charming ladies there

from some very fascinating men.

Herman, what are you doing here at lunchtime?

Your mother will have the police force out.

All right, now, cut it out Sally.

You know I haven't been home for lunch in weeks.

And if you're going to act this way, I take back my invitation.

What invitation?

I came here to ask you to lunch.

I'm dieting.

And also I'd like to talk to you.

Well, all right, but don't say anything fattening.

You know you were pretty severe with mother and me

on "The Stevie Parsons Show" the other night.

Oh, you watched?

I thought it was all good fun, but mother

took it rather badly.

Thanks for the review.

Sally, I'm trying to converse with you on a personal level.

OK, Herman, I'm sorry.

Go ahead, personalize.

Well, I want to apologize about those theater tickets.

I was wrong.

Oh, that's a beginning.

Actually, you and mother should have gone to the show.

And that's the end.

Herman, can I give you a little advice?

HERMAN: Yes, what is it?

Why don't you give up?

What's the use of one person trying

to have a fine social relationship

with another person when the other person doesn't

even care about that person?

Sally, if you don't give me one good reason why

I shouldn't walk out of that door,

I'm going to walk out of that door.

Well, are you thinking of one?

No.

All right, so long, Sally, and that's final.

No, no, Herman.

"So long" is not final.

Goodbye is final.

You're right, Sally.

Goodbye is final, so it's goodbye, Sally.

And that's final.

Nice to see you.

Wow.

Well, I guess I won't ask how it went.

I will.

How'd it go?

It went.

Well, here's something to fill the gap

that Herman left in your heart.

Oh, boy, that I could fill with a caraway seed.

Where'd you get this?

Delivery boy.

Flowers to a rare flower.

BUDDY: Who's it from?

Box 7030.

He struck again.

[music playing]

I'll have some more.

Say when.

Go ahead.

When is some coffee going to come out of there?

Oh, darling, I'm sorry.

Should I make some more?

No, you don't have to.

You can answer the phone.

Hello?

Oh, hello there.

This is Laura Petrie.

How are you?

Stevie Parsons.

I wonder what he wants.

I don't know.

If he want you to go on the show, this time say yes.

Hello, Steve?

How are you?

Yeah, fine thanks.

Yeah, I read all the letters.

Great.

Oh, well you better tell me the idea first, you know,

and then I'll see if I can help you out with it.

Oh, [whistles] I don't know, Steve, that's pretty wild.

Well, no, I mean, no, you can go ahead and do it.

I just mean I don't know whether I can get involved in it

or not.

Well, it could turn out to be kind of bad taste, Steve.

No, I don't mean that you do anything of bad taste.

It's not that.

Yeah, that's true, yeah.

Yeah, I guess after midnight, bad taste become sophisticated.

Well, I'll think about it, Steve.

yeah, I'll call.

I'll let you know.

You bet, bye.

What's in bad taste?

Well, Stevie Parson wants to pull off this stunt.

He wants me to pick out one of Sally's letters,

and he's going to contact the guy,

and introduce him to Sal on the show.

Would Sally agree to that?

No, that's the wild part.

Sal won't know a thing about it till it happens.

She thinks she's going on that show just to read letters.

Oh, Rob!

What?

Well, that's just terrible.

All week long we've been talking about how

spooky those letters were.

ROB: Yeah.

How can you even consider the idea?

Well, I would have just said an absolute no

in the first, honey, except one of those letters to Sal

was really a beautiful letter.

Sal thought so too.

It'll be kind of like a blind date.

Yeah, with 10 million people watching.

I mean, how do you know what this guy's like anyway?

He could be a--

What?

Well, he could be a masher.

Well, who's going to mash with 10 million people

watching your every move?

At least it'd be a chance for Sal to meet

some guy who already likes her.

Yeah, well in that case, it should be Sally's decision.

Not yours or Stevie Parsons.

Yeah, but Sal would never contact a guy like that.

You know, she couldn't take the chance.

Besides, whose idea was it to advertise

for a husband on television?

It was Sally's.

And it was funny.

Everybody thought it was funny.

You did, remember?

Yeah.

Besides I think Sal'll be mad at us

if we didn't follow this thing through.

Oh, I doubt that.

Honey, I'm going to do it.

I'm going to give Sal a chance of some possible happiness.

And some definite embarrassment.

Right, but she'll thank us.

No, no, she'll never thank us.

Why not?

She won't be talking to us.

[music playing]

Will you hurry up?

She's due any minute.

This purse is loaded with junk.

You can't find anything in here.

What do you need the letter for anyway?

Because he wants to read it on the air

when he introduces Sal to box 7030.

I can't find the letter.

You watch the door, and let me look.

All right.

Hey, here she comes.

Hey, Buddy, will you get my bag out of the filing cabinet?

Sure.

What would you do without me around here?

Better.

A lot better.

Oh, boy, don't forget to watch me tonight, huh?

ROB: I wouldn't miss it, Sal.

Well, I would.

"Yancy Derringer" is on one of the other channels.

You know something?

I'm not even nervous tonight.

Well, you shouldn't be.

Those letters are the greatest material in the world.

Yeah, Rob, thanks for the help.

Those funny answers you gave me will work got real great.

Well, got to get going.

We'll see you in the morning. SALLY: Right.

Yeah, if not sooner.

Huh?

BUDDY: Well, it's kind of an old saying.

My shoes.

My shoes.

I hope I'm not late.

Laura, I thought you said she was

making an early dinner at home. - I am.

I am. I mean, I will.

I just happened to be in New York

so I thought I'd drop in and say hi.

Hi.

Now don't forget to get to watch me tonight, huh?

LAURA: Oh, I'll be right there in front of my set.

Oh, OK.

Wish me luck.

ROB, LAURA, AND BUDDY: Good luck, Sal.

Boy, try and keep a secret with you two.

Well, I'm sorry, Rob.

I'm just a little nervous.

I'd feel much better about it if I knew who the man was.

Wouldn't Stevie Parsons tell you?

All he would tell me is that if this were a play

and he were casting the part, the guy would be perfect.

- Well, that's encouraging. - No, it isn't.

He's casting for comedy.

He could look like a gorilla.

So she'll have a banana wedding cake.

Listen to this one.

"Dear Miss Rogers, I just divorced my 16th wife

because I think it's unnatural for a woman

to have her hair cut.

It's unnatural?

SALLY: Yeah, that's what he says.

Anyway, listen.

"I guess I'm just an incurable romantic."

STEVIE PARSON: Yeah, I guess he's incurable.

"So before I marry you I have to know,

do you have your hair cut?"

No I go to the butcher.

He dips my head in hot water, and plucks it out.

I got another one. Wait, wait.

I got one here to read.

It's so great, you really should read it.

Box 7030.

Where'd you get this one?

Well it was accidentally stolen from your pocketbook.

By whom?

Well, by a very good friend of yours.

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like

to introduce the head writer of "The Alan

Brady Show," Mr. Robert Petrie.

My Rob Petrie?

That's right.

[cheers and applause]

Rob, oh, you went through my pocketbook?

I'm sorry, Sal.

I apologize.

I hope you're not angry.

Look, if it doesn't work out, I'll make it up to you,

and you've got a lot of witnesses.

If what doesn't work out?

And if it doesn't, I'll kill you.

You've got a lot of witnesses.

Sally, would you like to guess right now who

we've got tied up backstage?

The fellow that wrote this letter?

Sally, we're going to bring him out here,

and we're going to introduce him to you,

and then we're going to make him take you out on a date tonight.

And you'll find out what he's like.

So are you ready? - Yeah.

Bring him out.

I feel lucky.

All right then, Sally, meet your mate.

Let's have a little drum roll.

All right, open box 7030, and let it out.

Oh, Rob, I'm afraid to look.

You tell me.

OK.

[cymbal crash]

[cheers and applause]

SALLY: Rob, Rob, what's he like?

Herman Glimscher.

SALLY: Oh, come on, nobody's like Herman Glimscher.

ROB: Except Herman Glimscher.

What?

Herman Glimscher.

Sally.

Herman, did you write this letter?

Twice.

Mother tore up the first one.

Well, she's not going to get our hands on this one.

Oh, Herman, we've learned an awful lot about you tonight.

You're full of surprises, aren't you?

You wrote this beautiful letter, and you defied your mother,

and you had the nerve to come on national television.

Hey, Herman, there's something else that you

do that I don't know about?

Well, yes, there is, Sally, but I

don't know if I ought to say.

Oh, Herman, go ahead.

You're among friends here.

- Yeah go ahead, Herman. - Go ahead.

Come on.

(SINGING) Way down the--

That's beautiful.

Herman, that was a beautiful letter.

I didn't think I had it in me.

Well, you did.

It's a good thing you got it out.

I think Sally's going to see you in a whole new light.

OK, Herman, come on, let's get going.

I got to get you home by midnight.

Same old light.

Listen, I don't think you people have

to go along with this tonight.

I don't need a chaperone with Herman.

No, sir.

Sally and I don't need a chaperone.

Hey, wait a minute.

Maybe I do need a chaperone.

Oh, that's all right, Sally.

Mother's waiting out in the car.

[cries]

We better go with them.

I don't think they need a chaperone.

Yeah, but they may need a referee.

[music playing]

[theme song]