All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s05e17

[THEME MUSIC - EARLE HAGEN, "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW THEME"]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."

Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

And so, uh, for the betterment of our entire community

I would encourage everyone to vote yes on Proposition

A. What's the matter?

Come on, Rob.

Will you please relax?

Smile.

Like, like in the poster, see.

See how happy you were when you became a candidate.

That wasn't taken then.

That was at Danny Stein's bar mitzvah.

What do you want something like this?

Hi there.

I'm running for city councilman.

Vote for me or I'll give you cavities.

I can't do that.

I gotta be honest with them.

Rob, do you want to be honest or do you want to get elected?

Well, I'm nervous.

This is my first official political appearance.

Wait a minute, it's only a ladies club

and Laura's already over there warming them up.

Rob, you'll be fine once you get there.

Yeah, I think that's what they said to the captain

of the Titanic, didn't they.

Come on, ask me some more questions.

- I have a question. - What?

When are you gonna help us with this script

for Alan Brady?

Oh, I'm sorry, you guys.

I didn't mean to shove off all that work on you.

Believe me I'd a lot rather be here

working than at some ladies meeting somewhere.

- Oh hi, Doug. - Oh hi, Rob.

I'm in a terrible hurry.

Did you come here to tell me that?

You guys know Doug Miller, my campaign manager.

Yeah, hiya Doug.

We were just pumping your boy full of hot air.

Yeah.

My you're awfully cute for a campaign manager.

And a father of four.

Well, back to politics.

Doug, am I glad you're here.

Rob, I can't stay.

Well you bet, we gotta get to the meeting.

Rob, I'm afraid I can't go with you.

Why not?

The freezer at the fountain broke.

Hey, is that political talk?

No, that's drugstore talk.

I own the village pharmacy.

Maybe we can get Epsom salts wholesale.

Doug, you've gotta go with me.

This is my first public appearance with people.

Rob, I can't.

My ice cream will melt. I have to pick up some dry ice.

Oh, Doug!

They'll probably ask you a question about the new parkway.

Yeah, well I got that.

It's the east side route or west side route.

East side route is shorter and it's cheaper.

Rob, it's the other way around.

Doug, you've gotta go with me.

I can't.

My ice cream is melting.

Don't worry, you'll be all right.

Nice to have met you. - Yeah, so long Doug.

Bye.

Yeah, give my love to your four kids.

Hey Rob, your campaign manager's ice cream is melting?

Watch it, Rob.

I think the same thing happened to Nixon.

[music playing]

We're so glad you could come, Mr. Petrie.

Yes, I guess I am. Well, I am.

I'm glad too.

Well, I assume that you've met your worthy opponent,

Mr. Goodhart.

No, I haven't.

Well, that's no way for for worthy opponents to be.

Hello.

How are you?

Oh, fine. How are you?

Fine.

How, how are you, well.

Well, I must get back to the meeting.

I'll leave you two, uh, political lions

to paw the turf.

Sit down.

Sit down and have a nice chat.

I know you have so much to talk about.

Oh Mr. Petrie, your wife is just adorable.

Thank you.

And so is yours.

Well, you two boys get acquainted

and I'll go and see how the meeting's coming along.

All right.

So you're, uh, Lincoln Goodhart.

Yes.

Uh, is, is it proper for us to be, uh, together, you know,

before.

Well, I don't know why not.

We're not bride and groom, you know.

Plain ordinary candidates, I guess.

Is some, something wrong?

No, you actually look like your buttons.

Oh, my campaign buttons.

Oh, yeah, thanks.

Matter of fact, you look a lot like your bumper stickers.

Of course you're, you're not, you're more, you know.

Yes.

You, have you seen my balloons?

Well, I have, you know, with my picture on them.

When they're blown up I--

No, I just have the stickers and buttons.

Well, that's, that's bett-, I don't, uh, I didn't ask

for the balloons, you know.

Kids can't vote anyway.

Well, I like kids OK.

You know, this my first time out,

politically, you know, and I gotta admit, I'm a,

I'm a little bit nervous.

Well, that's understandable.

Are you nervous?

No.

Nice.

Beautiful, uh, day out.

It's going to rain.

You think so?

I'm quite certain.

Well, it can't rain today.

The witch came out of the gingerbread house.

Well, that, I, that probably sounds-- my,

uh, son has one of those little weather

forecasters on the wall, a plastic gingerbread house.

If it's clear the witch comes out,

and, and, but if it's going to rain then

Hansel and Gretel will come out.

It's very scientific.

Chemical or something.

Well, with all due respect to your son's gingerbread house,

there's an easterly low pressure area meeting

a cold front over Ohio, and that should

reach here by this afternoon.

What, what does that mean?

Rain.

I guess Hansel and Gretel can't always be right can they.

Look at the way they trusted that witch.

Come along, girls.

Come along.

I want you all to meet the candidates.

There they are, the brave bulls.

Oh now, take seats everyone and we'll get things under way.

Have you met the wives?

Only my own.

Mr. Petrie writes all those clever remarks for Alan Brady,

you know.

Well Lincoln, I'd like for you to meet my wife, Laura.

How do you do, Miss Petrie.

Um, darling, this is Mrs. Goodhart.

Oh, hi.

Well, I suppose you're very excited about the campaign.

Oh, no.

I've been through this many times.

Oh, wonderful.

I'm very active politically.

I'm on two committees and I'm chairman of the DNS.

And a precinct captain.

How about you?

Oh, well I try to be active politically.

I vote every year.

Now girls, girls, please.

Now let me have your attention.

Before we mix and mingle, I think

it would be nice if the candidates

would introduce themselves.

Who'd like to go first?

Oh, guess I'm elected.

Thank you.

I was the only on up.

Well, uh, I'm Rob Petrie and I'd like

to say, first of all, that I'm very, very happy to be here.

My wife doesn't often let me loose in a room

full of lovely ladies.

Well, that's the truth now.

I mean, why would Laura insist on being here today.

She certainly didn't insist on coming when I gave a talk

on writing at the Boy Scouts.

Well, I guess you're very anxious to meet Mr. Goodhart.

Lionel, uh, Lincoln.

Thank you.

My name is Lincoln Goodhart.

Uh, could you, could you speak up just

a little please, Mr. Goodhart.

Let's not slight the ladies in the back.

Oh, of course.

My name is Lincoln Goodhart.

I am a candidate for your city council.

Of course, the public wants to know about the issues,

so I'm here to answer any and all

questions that you may have.

Are there any questions?

Uh, yes?

Mr. Petrie, how tall are you?

Tall?

Well, I don't know.

About six-one I, with, without my shoes.

You're embarrassing him.

Mr. Petrie, what's Alan Brady really like?

Yes, is he really that funny, or do you do it all?

No, I don't--

Can I have an autographed picture for my daughter?

[ladies chattering]

[music playing]

Wow, what a day.

Yeah.

You ready for a kiss from the future councilman?

You know Rob, I don't think you should get overconfident.

From one kiss?

One victory.

Honey, one kiss is hardly a victory.

You're my wife.

Oh, come on Rob, I'm trying to say something sort of serious.

I know you are.

You're trying to say that today was just a little step.

I got a whole campaign ahead of me already.

Well, uh, yes that's what I was gonna say.

Well, don't bother.

I already know it.

You know what the most challenging

question I had asked me today, how tall are you.

I don't think my height is going to win me the election.

Well, you never know.

For example, most of our presidents

have been taller than the average American male.

Yeah.

The average, uh, height of the last 17 presidents

is 5 feet 10 and 1/4 inches.

Where'd you learn that?

Lincoln told me right after that lady

asked how tall you were.

You know, he's a pretty bright guy.

He knows a little bit about almost everything.

He knows a lot about everything.

I talked to him most of the afternoon.

Yeah, good girl.

You kept him away from everybody didn't you.

Yeah, he was, uh, telling me about bond

issues and urban redevelopment.

Do you know about that stuff?

Well yeah, I read an article on it.

Lincoln wrote an article about it.

Oh, no kidding.

Yeah.

Well that's, that's probably the article I read.

Did you know that it costs us money for Richie

to walk to school?

Well, sure.

He wears out shoes.

No.

You see our development pays an allotment to the bus company

even though the kids live close enough to walk.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, well it dates back to before the sidewalks were in.

Lincoln said that over the past five years

we could have saved enough money to buy

Richie 53 pairs of shoes.

I didn't know that.

Yeah.

And you know why the sidewalks are cracking?

Too much sand in the concrete.

I didn't know that.

I don't know anything.

Honey, I'll be in the den.

I think I'd better do some studying.

I got a feeling that press conference tomorrow

is not gonna be a tea party.

Darn, Lincoln knows everything.

Oh, come on, Rob.

He knows a lot about sidewalks and buses,

but he doesn't know everything.

Yeah.

Did you put the windows up in the car?

- No, why? - It's starting to rain.

[music playing]

It's the east side is the long route, west side is the short.

I can't mix that up again.

Rob, relax.

You're only going to meet a few reporters

from some local papers.

Uh, the, the reporters are here now.

Shall I ask them in? - Uh.

Yes, please do.

All right if I moderate?

Oh, of course, of course.

Come in.

Please come in.

Sit down just anywhere.

Just take a chair anywhere.

To save time both candidates have

provided brief biographies, which you'll

find right here on the table.

Now before we start the question period,

we'll have each candidate make an opening statement.

Mr. Goodhart.

Yes.

My name is Lincoln Goodhart.

Along with the resume of my personal history

and qualifications you will find a position paper stating

my views and proposed actions on all the major issues,

and I believe that my written remarks are self-explanatory.

However, if you feel the need for further clarification,

I'll be happy to answer any and all questions.

Oh, sorry.

Well ladies and gentlemen, uh, uh, since, uh,

Mr. Goodhart's already identified

himself, you probably gather that I'm Rob Petrie.

I didn't include a synopsis of my views

on the, on the, uh, uh, issues here in my biography.

I kind of figure that you came here to ask me those questions,

and believe me I would have preferred it

if I could have mailed them in.

And judging from the number of empty seats,

I guess a lot of people would have preferred I did mail them.

Uh, Mr. Petrie.

Yeah.

The rest of the reporters are covering another story.

Oh?

Uh yes, the Azalea Festival opens today.

Oh.

I'm certainly in favor of azaleas or flowers in general.

Well, I guess we should get the second question.

Well, that wasn't a question.

Did you have a question?

Uh, yes I do.

I'm Herb Litmore of the "Sentinel,"

and I'd like to ask you your views

on the proposed parkway routes.

Well, I'm glad you asked that, Herb, because I am very

interested in that, and I feel that the west side

parkway is the best.

Right, the west side parkway is short

and the east side parkway is much longer, about three miles

longer, and I think that the west side would

be about $2 million cheaper.

I disagree.

No, that's it.

West side, uh, west side short, east side long.

That may be true, but there are many factors

favoring the east side route.

Like what?

Well, for example, the, the land along that route

is very sparsely populated and, therefore,

much more easily acquired.

Now that would mean that although the east side

route would be somewhat longer, it would be,

it could be completed in anywhere from six months

to a year sooner.

I didn't know that.

In, in the long run that would result

in a substantial savings.

I'll bet it would.

Oh, yes.

Samantha Merryweather; Fashion editor for the "Post."

Mr. Petrie, I would like to ask you what your wife

is wearing to the rally.

Oh, it's-- gee, she just showed it to me this morning.

Uh, was, uh, light blue, yeah, it

was a, a light blue suit where the jacket and the skirt match.

That's what makes it a suit.

Yeah, then well, I was right.

Thank you.

Mr. Goodhart?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't know that.

Uh, uh, probably a dress, probably, uh, brown.

Yeah, that's right.

Her party dress is brown.

Duke Bronson, "Messenger."

Duke Bronson the sports writer.

I read your column.

What are you doing here?

Well, it was either this or the Azalea Festival.

I'd like to know, Mr. Petrie, uh, do you

think New Rochelle could support a big league team?

Well, uh, Herb, I, I'd love to see that, uh, myself,

but I think New Rochelle's a little small

and if we brought a big league team in here the rest of us

would have to move out.

Well, I think that we should try to stimulate

interest in local athletics.

Right.

Well now that, since Union High

is unbeaten ever since they switched

to the modified I-formation.

That's right.

This is the best season in years.

Since 1927.

Really?

Yeah.

That was Kit Kincaid's last year as coach.

Well, and now that McGuire is 20 pounds heavier,

well I think we just ought to get the public

to understand the high caliber of, of, of athletics

that we have right here.

I think Mr. Goodhart's absolutely right.

I didn't know that.

Oh, yes.

Booth Mitchell, "The Tiger's Growl."

"The Tiger's Growl?"

From Central High.

Yeah, well see, our team is called Tigers,

so the papers called "Tiger's Growl."

I'd like to go on record as saying right now

I don't think there's anything wrong with the kind of music

you kids play.

Just do us old folks a favor and keep the volume down.

That's fine.

Now the sixth amendment to the Constitution

guarantees the right of a speedy trial.

It does?

Yes, but--

Oh, I mean it does.

Well, this deals specifically with criminal cases.

Now there's no such guarantee in civil suits

and it can take 8 to 10 years to bring civil suits to trial,

and I'd like to know what can be done

to speed up the due process of law in these kind of cases.

8 to 10 years?

That doesn't seem fair.

Oh, I'll, I'll look into it.

Thank you.

I'm awfully glad you brought that up, young man.

As an attorney that's been a pet project of mine

for many years now.

It has?

Oh, yes.

Those delays have cost, literally,

millions of dollars in both public and private funds.

Millions?

Oh, yes.

What to do about a thing like that?

Well, I have been working on a six-point

program here that I think will alleviate this situation.

Uh, I'd like to hear it.

Yeah, me too.

Well, point number one.

To eliminate red tape--

Rob, you already knew that Lincoln is bright

and has a lot of information, but that's

not all a candidate needs.

Right.

Anybody can memorize the answers.

Maybe he just memorized the right ones.

Are you kidding?

He knows more about "The Alan Brady Show" than I know.

Did you know our show was number one in Liberia?

Why don't we ask for a raise?

So he's smart.

It takes more than that.

He's got more, much more.

I was just reading here his biography.

Listen to this.

He graduated with honors from law school.

Lot of people graduate from law school.

At 18?

So he went to college before he went to high school.

Look, it says right here that Lincoln

was only a private in the army.

You were a sergeant, a much better leader.

He wasn't promoted because he spent most of his time

in an Italian prison camp.

Well, at least he ate well.

It says, uh, after months of planning,

private Goodhart successfully led 14 men in a daring escape.

How do you know that's really the truth?

It's just what he says.

No, that's what the government said

when they gave him the medal.

All right, so Lincoln is smart and knows a lot of things,

but, Rob, you've got other qualifications.

Like what?

Well, you're taller.

Ladies Club is for you and so is everyone else I've talked to.

Well, what what do they know?

They're just people.

Well, you know what I mean.

If they knew as much about Lincoln as I do

they'd think a lot more of him.

You know, you're beginning to sound

like you don't want to win.

No, I wanna win all right, but I

want to win on my qualifications not on my smile.

Well, we heard your qualifications.

You better stick to the smile.

Listen Rob, don't worry.

The best man always wins.

No, I'm going to decide it.

I'm gonna call Doug.

What for?

I'm gonna make darn sure the best man wins.

How are you going to do that?

I am going to withdraw from the election.

I know it's not fair to the people who donated all the time

and all the money and I'm not usually a quitter, Doug,

but the man deserves to win.

I mean, even his name is better qualified, Lincoln.

Oh, that's silly.

Even his wife's name is Martha.

So.

Well, it wasn't Laura Washington.

Now you sound like you're afraid you're going to lose.

That's not it.

Doug, the thing is, I'm afraid I'm going

to win because I'm charming.

Well, you know what I mean.

There's nothing wrong with being charming.

No, not if you're running for Miss America.

Look, he may know more than you at the moment

because he's had experience.

Rob, you remember when you ran that committee

at the Writer's Guild.

You didn't know anything about that when you started

and you did great.

Oh yeah, honey, but I'm not a politician.

I feel like a fraud.

Oh well now, Rob, I am getting angry.

My husband is not a fraud.

Well, I feel like a big dope.

That's better.

Well, anything's better than being a fraud.

Right.

You're letting the people see just what you are.

Then they have a right to decide if that's what they want.

You think I can handle it?

I know you can.

Lincoln knows facts and figures, huh?

Yeah.

But you know people and the council

is made up of people just like you.

What, a bunch of dopes?

No.

A bunch of people who care about the town

and want to give their time to make it better.

Well, I want to do that.

Then here's your opportunity.

Look Rob, a leader isn't just someone who knows what's right.

He's also someone who gets the job done right,

and you're a leader.

Well?

All right, I'll stay in the race.

That's more like it.

I'll see you tomorrow, Rob.

So long, Laura.

Goodnight, Doug.

And Rob, you know what?

You're gonna win.

Darling, I'm proud of you.

That was a tough decision.

Well, I got an even tougher decision to make.

What?

Who I'm gonna vote for.

OK, Mom.

No, I'll call you the minute it's all over.

OK, bye.

She's nervous.

Boy, who'd ever think it could happen?

People actually voting for ordinary Rob for an office.

I, I know it's gonna happen, but it just doesn't seem real.

And on today of all days, election day.

I mean, you know.

It's actually happening.

Hey Rob, it looks great.

Could look a lot better.

Hey, Jim.

VOICE ON RADIO: Here are up-to-the-minute

election returns.

In the sixth district, Goodman 2,404.

Wilson, 4,302.

In the 9th district, Goodhart, 3,422.

Petri--

Petrie!

VOICE ON RADIO: 3510.

Hey!

Hey!

Darling, you're still ahead!

Hey, that's a landslide.

On a very small hill.

So we'll go out and vote again.

Boy, I would love to.

You can't imagine what a thrill it is to put

an x by your husband's name.

Gee, if I had a husband I wouldn't put an x beside him,

I'd put me beside him.

Hey Rob, when you get elected will

there be an inaugural ball?

If I am elected.

Hey, there will?

No, you said when I'm elected.

It should be if, big if.

This reminds me of the night we

are all sitting around waiting for Laura to have the baby.

I know how you feel.

No, you don't.

I was sick to my stomach that night too.

Boy, it must have been the chopped liver.

Boy, these votes come into the radio stations slow.

Don't they use a computer?

[phone rings]

In small towns they use a kid on a bicycle.

Hello?

Oh hi, Jerry.

VOICE ON RADIO: This is Headly Gordon Picard,

the voice of New Rochelle--

Hold it, Jerry.

Listen.

VOICE ON RADIO: --bringing you the latest election returns.

In the sixth district, Goodman, 2,409.

Wilson, 4,902.

And in the closely fought ninth district, Goodhart, 3,442.

Petri--

Petrie

3,553.

Millie, what were the figures?

Uh, Goodhart, three, four, four, two.

And, uh, Petri--

Petrie, Millie.

Oh, yeah.

I'm so excited.

Let's see, uh, Petrie--

Three, five, five, three.

Gee, just think.

I'm going to live next door to a councilman, a real councilman.

And my folks told me not to marry, Jerry.

Jerry!

Oh, hi Jerry.

Listen did you hear that?

Oh, well uh, OK.

Uh, Jerry wants to know, since he can't be

here can he hang on the phone?

Yeah keep the line closed, good.

It's OK.

Uh, just think of this as Jerry.

Hello, Jer.

Hi, Jerry.

VOICE ON RADIO: We've just received word

that Goodhart has conceded the election

to his opponent Wilson.

Yay!

Petrie I can understand, but Wilson!

VOICE ON RADIO: We have a correction.

That's Goodman conceding to Wilson.

That's in the sixth district.

We're still waiting for word in the close contest

between Goodhart and Petrie.

Petrie!

VOICE ON RADIO: One moment.

We do have a final in the ninth district.

This is it.

VOICE ON RADIO: Goodhart, 3,619.

Petri, 3,694.

Petri is elected.

[cheering]

But I won!

I really won! - Yay!

How about a nice speech!

Yes, speech!

Come on, come on.

Yeah, speech, speech!

Councilman, come on!

OK, uh, friends and, uh, constituents, a lot

of, uh, long, hard hours went into this campaign.

Here, here!

A lot of hard work too contributed to the success

of the election, and I'm not gonna

single anybody out personally.

I guess you all know who you are.

And if there is one person who deserves

a little extra credit for hard work it's me because I won!

[THEME MUSIC - EARLE HAGEN, "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW THEME"]