All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s05e15

[music playing]

NARRATOR: The Dick Van Dyke Show.

Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Surprise!

ALL: Surprise!

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday!

No wonder you left early.

I thought you forgot about it.

No.

Happy birthday, honey.

Darling, it's your birthday.

Right.

I think we really surprised him.

Yeah, no, we'd better go back in the closet and try it again.

Oh, boy, if this isn't something.

A surprise birthday party and all these presents.

You guys didn't have to give me presents.

You know, he's right.

We really didn't get.

Give me.

Oh, here you can have that.

Thanks a lot.

Night.

Well, those are pretty wild slippers.

Wild?

I think they're still alive.

Well.

Judging by the debris, I'd say we had a very successful party.

Yeah, boy, and what presents.

This is even better than our wedding.

What are you talking about?

We got great presents at our wedding.

Yeah, but all these presents are mine.

Ha!

Will you tell me why in the world

Buddy gave me a samurai sword?

Honey, Buddy shops at the war surplus store.

It was either this or green underwear.

What are you going to do with it?

Well, I figure if I run out of blades, you know--

Why don't you see if you can trade

it in for green underwear?

You really did get some nice presents.

Yeah.

What was your favorite present?

Oh, I think the stuffed cabbage Millie's mother sent.

Oh.

Oh, all right, honey.

You know I like to watch the best.

Are you sure?

Well, of course I'm sure.

What a ridiculous question.

Well, I mean, you hardly tried it on.

Yes, I did, honey.

The wristband was a little too loose, that's all.

It kept sliding off my wrist. - Oh.

Well, it's adjustable, isn't it?

Yeah.

I think just take a couple of links out of it, that's all.

I could probably do it myself. - No, don't, Rob.

I don't want you to break it.

Why don't you let a jeweler do it?

That must be a pretty expensive

watch with all those dials and dates and everything.

Well, you deserved it.

Hey, I'm going to get it.

It's almost midnight.

We can watch it go from Thursday to Friday.

Oh, Rob, I knew you'd love that watch the minute I saw it.

It tells the day of the week, the minute, the second.

It tells the hour.

It tells everything.

I wish it could tell us where it was.

What?

It's gone.

It can't be gone.

That's what I said when I saw it was gone.

Where'd you put it?

Right there beside your pink poodles.

Are you sure?

Yeah, because when I put on there, I said to myself,

I shouldn't leave it on the dressing table.

And you called me to cut the cake,

and I left it on the dressing table.

Rob, you shouldn't have left it there.

Well, where could it be?

It's got to be someplace in the room.

After all, you've misplaced things before.

Like what?

Like your fountain pen, your car keys, Ritchie.

Ritch?

Oh, honey, I didn't misplace him.

He went in the Monkey House while I was buying him popcorn.

OK.

You check in this room and I'll go in the kitchen

and start looking.

Boy, what a time for a treasure hunt.

It's--

Rob where's your old watch?

I don't know.

I took it off to try on the new one.

Where is it?

I don't know, but that's not the one we're looking for,

is it?

Well, all I've come up with is a missing

pickle fork and your old watch.

Oh, thanks. Where was it?

- In the garbage. - My watch was in the garbage?

No.

The pickle fork was in the garbage.

Your watch was on the sink.

Oh, well, it figures.

All I found was a sardine can key and my other old Argyle.

Rob, can you think of any place we haven't looked?

Ha ha.

What are you laughing at?

It's always the last place you look.

- You found it? - Yeah.

There it is.

Ritchie's compass.

Well, I don't know what to say, honey.

I've looked everywhere and I haven't lost it.

It does begin to look that way, doesn't it?

Well, what other answer is there, now?

Millie!

What about Millie?

She said she was going to steal it.

What?

When I bought your watch she was with me,

and she said she wanted one like it for Jerry,

but yours was the last one.

So she said, Laura, I promise you I'm

going to steal it for Jerry.

That's it.

She and Jerry did that for a joke.

How do you like that?

She set it up with Jerry.

Oh, honey, am I glad you thought of that.

Boy, I hate practical jokes, but this one I love.

If you knew what I was thinking.

Yeah, that it was stolen.

Don't even say it.

I was thinking the same thing and hating myself for it.

Yeah, me too.

Jerry?

Hey, buddy.

A joke's a joke, buddy.

My watch.

I want it back.

Jerry?

Jerry?

Je-- I'm kidding.

Go back to sleep, Jerry.

What's the gag?

[inaudible] the words he was yelling

at me for waking him up.

Well, that blows that theory.

So are we back to thinking what

we were hating ourselves for?

Now, wait a second.

Who all was here tonight?

Buddy and Sally, Jerry and Millie, and Mel and you.

None of you would have stolen the watch,

but if the watch was stolen, then one of you--

one of them stole it.

So it couldn't have been stolen.

No, wait a minute, Rob.

We're forgetting a much bigger practical joker than Jerry.

- Buddy. - Yeah.

Oh, of course.

Buddy.

Ha!

Well, it couldn't have been stolen,

so Buddy took it for a joke.

Now stop worrying and go to bed.

Well, aren't you going to call him up?

Oh, no, honey, it's too late.

A guy's got to get some sleep.

It'll serve him right to lose his sleep.

I'm not worried about his sleep.

I'm worried about my sleep.

If Buddy didn't take that watch as a joke,

I'm going to be up all night wondering which

one of my friends stole it.

So Buddy took it as a joke.

Ha ha ha.

Let's go to bed.

Well, tell Mr. Cooley we're all in

and he can bring the script down any time.

- Hi, Rob. - Hi, Rob.

Hi.

Well, back to the salt mines.

Salt mines 28 stories up?

They don't make them like they used to.

Well, how's our little old birthday boy?

I'm all right.

You didn't like the electric ice crusher I gave you, right?

Well, sure I did, Sal.

So how come you're not wearing it?

I, uh-- also I'm not wearing my new watch.

Oh, Buddy, did you see that watch?

That's the most beautiful wa-- tells the time, the day,

of the week, and the year.

Oh!

And on Lincoln's birthday. it grows a beard.

Boy, I wish I had a watch like that.

OK, Buddy.

Did you by chance take something home

last night you shouldn't have?

How'd you know it was me?

You did take it?

Yeah.

By gosh, Laura was right!

Well, come on, where is it?

I ate it?

You ate my watch?

What watch?

I swiped a piece of birthday cake.

I had it for breakfast this morning.

You didn't take my watch?

Too hard to digest.

Well, I'm sorry, Buddy.

The minute I missed my watch, I thought of you.

Well, that's funny.

The minute I miss my bus, I don't think of you.

Hey, Rob, the new watch is missing?

Well, I can't find it.

Oh, does Laura know?

She'll kill you.

Hey, you know what you ought to do?

Run downstairs, hop a bus, go to Switzerland,

get another one just like it, get in a cab,

come back before Laura knows it's gone.

Laura already knows.

Should have taken a plane.

Rob, did you-- did you look all over?

Yeah, can't find it.

We turned that house inside out.

Boy, I hope it don't rain.

Rob, it couldn't have just walked out.

It's got to be someplace.

Sure it could walk out.

It's a watch.

Could walk out on its hands.

That's a joke.

Boy, am I glad you told me.

Now, what could have happened to it?

Well, I don't know.

You know, it'll probably turn up sooner or later anyway.

Look, let's, let's get back to work, huh?

Well, Rob, you're kind of taking this whole thing

pretty lightly, aren't you?

Now, it's got to be someplace.

Well, wait a minute.

Maybe somebody stole it.

Hey, there's a thought.

And if somebody stole it, it had to be one of us.

That's a terrible thought.

Hey, Rob, did you think that terrible thought?

What, me?

Think you-- no, it never entered my-- it never--

He thought it.

Oh, no.

I'd never think anything like that of you guys

doing anything like that.

One of us might.

Lovely party last night, Rob.

Yeah, it sure was.

Hey, Mel, when you were a little bald-headed kid, did

you run around stealing candy?

Buddy!

What are you babbling about?

Oh, nothing.

Buddy's just fooling around.

Mel, Rob's watch is missing.

Which watch?

The one that goes tick tock.

Rob, you mean you, you think I took your watch?

Oh, no.

Buddy just--

Why you vicious little beast!

Boy, you're beautiful when you're mad!

Hold it, hold it, will you guys, will you?

I do not suspect any of you have taken my watch.

If I've given you that impression then I'm sorry.

Oh, very well.

But don't overlook the possibility of that.

You think I'm a crook?

That is probably the nicest thing I ever thought of you.

Boy, is he mad.

Yeah, his scalp was standing on end.

Hey, Rob, are, are we above suspicion?

Look, I don't suspect anyone.

Well, I don't know.

I got a feeling down deep inside you suspect everyone.

No, I don't, Sal.

And if I did, you'd be the last people I'd suspect.

Now I'm really worried, because it's always

the last person you suspect that you should

suspect in the first place.

Come on, let's just get down to work, you guys.

Don't you think you ought to at least call the insurance

man, collect for aggravation?

Oh, I wouldn't want to tell him anyway.

Well, look, lost or whatever, you should collect on it, Rob?

Yeah, you're right.

The best thing to do is always report it.

Boy, what a happy birthday this turned out to be.

Oh, Ed?

Rob Petrie.

Oh, just so-so.

Listen, Ed, in my house policy, does it cover missing watches?

No, no, it couldn't have been stolen.

Well, no, I'm not sure.

It might have been stolen.

No, home.

Windows?

No, no.

Wait, you don't understand, Ed.

If the watch was stolen, it was stolen by a friend.

Well, you know, present company excluded.

Rob, I went over every inch of this place today.

I even grilled Ritchie.

The watch is not here.

And as Sally said, it didn't walk out.

So it begins to look like it was stolen.

Well, I don't want to know who stole it.

We ought to know who stole it, Rob.

At least then we'll know all the people who didn't.

You know what the terrible thing is?

We're feeling guilty because we're suspecting our friends,

and one of our friends is worthy of being suspected.

Rob, it is just possible that one of our friends

is a kleptomaniac.

You never know.

We're back to Buddy again.

We are?

Yeah, maybe.

Buddy's a food crook.

He took that birthday cake.

And you know those little packs of sugar in a restaurant?

He takes those, those little, little soda

crackers he steals those.

Yeah, and, and how about Sally with the souvenir ashtrays?

She's got them all over her house.

Yeah?

Rob, that's not really stealing?

Why, because everybody does it, including us?

What about those towels in Atlantic City?

Rob, we had to take the towels to wrap

up the wet bathing suits.

Yeah, we took five towels for two bathing suits.

They were very wet bathing suits.

Kleptomania, huh?

It's funny, we'd rather have a friend

who's disturbed than dishonest.

Well, of course.

I'd a lot rather have a friend go to a psychiatrist

than to jail.

I know.

They could go to jail too with a $200 watch.

That's grand theft.

How did you know was a $200 watch?

Oh, I saw one at Stefano's.

That's where you got it, isn't it?

Well, uh, no, I didn't.

I got it at Discount Harry's for $104.50.

But it's the very same watch.

The same guarantee and everything.

Hey, that's a steal.

Yeah, wasn't it ever?

It was the last one they had.

We'll never replace it for that.

[doorbell]

Probably the insurance man.

Well, Rob, what do we tell him the watch cost?

What I paid or what it would cost to get another one?

Well, let's tell him what we paid and what it's worth

and then he'll decide what to give us, I guess.

OK.

- Oh, good evening. - Hello.

My name is Evans from the Faucety Insurance Company.

Oh, hi. I'm Rob Petrie.

This is my wife Laura. - Petrie, how do you do?

- How do you do? - How are you?

Won't you come in, sit down, please?

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Can I get you some coffee?

Oh, no, thank you.

I have a few more stops to make.

I'll sit right over here.

Well, I'm sorry you had to come here.

Of course you are.

Well, I guess you want to know all about my watch, huh?

Yes, I do want know about your watch.

First of all, what was its value?

Oh, $200.

$104.50.

What was that?

$200.

$104.

Don't you think you'd better get your story straight?

We haven't got a story.

Just, it's a $200 watch.

She got it at a discount house, that's all.

For $104.50.

Now, the theft took place at a birthday party, allegedly?

Allegedly.

An allegation's a statement made without proof.

Well, there's some birthday cake left over.

Would that prove that we had a birthday party?

You see, my dear, it's the theft we have to prove.

Look, I want to get one thing straight.

The watch is not lost.

So you said.

Now, I have all the preliminary information

from your phone call, including a list of the guests

who attended the party.

Tell me, who do you think stole it?

None of them.

None of them?

If it was stolen, someone had to steal it.

Well, you see, Mr. Evans, all the people at the party

are friends of ours.

Oh, boy.

I wish I hadn't started this thing.

I mean, actually, how much does a watch mean?

In this state, one to three years.

Look, couldn't-- can't you just forget the whole thing?

Mr. Petrie, don't you want your watch recovered?

Well, sure, I do, but I'm trying

to save a little embarrassment.

Oh, I'm not embarrassed.

Well, I am.

[inaudible]

You know, this reminds me of a case I once handled,

where a woman had purchased some luggage for her husband

at a discount house.

They reported it stolen and tried to collect

the full retail price.

ROB: So?

So it turned out wasn't really stolen,

but we got the real truth out of them after a while.

Now, Mr. Evans, why would this remind you of that?

I don't know.

Why don't you tell me?

I can't tell you anything.

So I see.

Well, I guess that's about all for now.

I'd say that was all for now.

Yes.

What's next?

I'll just poke around a little bit.

Don't bother.

I'll see my way out myself.

Thank you very much.

Good night, Mr. And Mrs. Petrie.

Nice to have seen you.

You know that man actually suspected you?

I know.

I was ready to confess.

For what?

Those stolen towels.

Oh!

Hi, gang, what's the good word?

Well, let's see, how does fink grab you?

Fink?

Come on, Sal.

Sit down, be uncomfortable.

What are you two guys all steamed up about?

Go ahead, tell him.

I would if I was talking to him.

Why aren't you talking to me?

Because we're talking to that clown

from the insurance company.

What clown?

Big chief knife in the back.

Your hatchet man, Mr. Evans.

Evans questioned you guys?

Would you like to see the bamboo

shoots under my fingernails?

You know, I was so mad, I didn't even

ask that rat if he was single.

Why did he have to do that?

What do you got planned for your guests next time, Rob?

Malaria?

You don't think I asked Evans to question you, do you?

Oh, no.

He just picked our names at random out of the phone book.

Look, I am not accusing any of the suspects.

Oh, boy, this--

Boy, we got a nasty word for people

who are suspicious like you.

Yeah.

What is it?

Suspicious.

- That's not so nasty. - You're right.

It needs work.

Look, you guys are all wrong.

You don't think for a minute I'd suspect you?

Oh, I don't think for a minute.

I've only been thinking it the past 12 hours.

Hi, Mel, how are you?

Mortified, hurt, shocked, and deeply disappointed.

What is it, Mel?

Your bald-headed assassin came to see me last night.

Mel, please believe me--

Never again.

Boy, he got some nerve sending a guy to investigate

a man of your stature.

What are you being nice to me for?

Because I can only hate one guy at a time.

Mel, you've got to believe I did

not send Evans to visit you.

Visit?

Attack would be more like it.

Oh, Mel, I'm sorry.

And why did you have to send him on the night we

were entertaining our minister?

Hi.

I'm returning all the things I never

borrowed from you so you won't start saying I stole them.

Millie, nobody ever said you stole anything.

Yeah, well, that guy Evans didn't come over

to try a glass slipper on me.

Evans was at your house?

Boy, I never was so humiliated in my entire life.

Millie, believe me, Rob and I told Mr. Evans that you

couldn't possibly have done it.

What a third degree.

You'd think I'd stolen some government

secrets instead of Rob's watch.

That's not what I mean.

LAURA: I know that.

Well, just the same, I want you

to take all these things back.

Millie, will you stop it?

No, you check them over.

If that guy Evans comes over with a search warrant,

I don't want him seeing your things in my house.

Uh, the dog chewed up the other one

and I'll get you a new pair.

You look them over.

Millie, I will do no such thing.

No, look them over.

I don't want anybody saying I have something

that doesn't belong to me.

All right, everything's here.

Except my cheese grater.

Well, I gave that to Sadie Stein.

You gave my cheese grater to Sadie Stein?

MILLIE: She said it was her cheese grater.

It is her cheese grater.

None of us is perfect, Laura.

Millie, I know I'm not perfect,

and I also know that my very best friend isn't a thief.

Well, then you must have another best friend,

because, boy, do I feel suspected.

OK, Millie, you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to call Rob right now and have him fire

the entire insurance company.

No, the damage is done.

And you might shop around for a new dentist.

Jerry's returning your x-rays.

Millie!

[door opening]

ROB: Honey, it's me.

Well, I'm going.

I know Rob doesn't want to see me any more

than I want to see him.

Oh, well, now, that's ridiculous.

Honey-- oh, hi, Millie.

Millie, uh, could I speak to Laura a minute, please?

Well, of course.

You can't very well talk behind my back to my face, can you?

What are you doing with Ritchie's wagon?

I guess you're wondering what caused that.

I know what caused that.

Evans.

Boy, is he fast.

He shouldn't be in insurance.

He ought to be in the Olympics.

Mel's mad at me.

Buddy, Sally.

I am so sorry I ever had that party.

Maybe we ought to have another little surprise party.

For whom?

For us.

We'll ask everybody who now hates us to come

and if they come, we'll be surprised.

You know, that's not a bad idea.

We can have a big I'm Sorry party.

Well, they wouldn't come.

They might.

You know, it's worth a try.

If they're our real friends, they'll want to make up too.

Sure.

Everyone will come except the crook.

Hey, that's right.

He never does in the movies, does he?

It's not a bad idea to have another little party.

And it might be very interesting to see

who doesn't show up.

It's not going to be easy, though.

Oh, no, honey.

It's not fun to call up people that are mad at you.

Could get very, very unpleasant.

You do it.

They're all out of chocolate chip.

I had to get banana.

How'd you do?

Well, I called Buddy, Sally, Mel, Jerry, and Millie.

Anybody turn us down?

Buddy, Sally, Mel, Jerry, and Millie.

Well, that does it.

They all took it.

It's a syndicate.

You know, I'm, I'm beginning to get a little angry.

So am I. Millie and Jerry certainly ought

to know we don't suspect them.

Well, Buddy and Sally and Mel should

know we don't suspect them.

They all should know we don't think they took it.

Then who took it?

I don't know, but one of them did.

This is good, whatever it is.

I told you, chicken paprikash.

Oslo at the garage gave me the recipe.

No wonder it tastes greasy.

Rob, I'm the last friends you've got.

Don't push me.

What's for dessert?

Chicken paprikash.

I didn't have time to fix anything.

Oh, that's all right.

I'm eating purely from instinct anyway.

Darling, I thought we weren't going to talk about it anymore.

I'm not talking about it.

Well, the way you've been picking at your dinner

is talking about it.

Wish I was never born.

Oh, Rob, please.

No, if I'd never been born, I wouldn't have

had that dumb birthday party.

I'm sorry, honey.

[phone ringing]

Who could that be?

I don't know.

No one's talking to us.

Hello?

Oh, Mr. Evans.

- I don't want to talk to him. - Yes, he is.

Just a minute.

Probably calling to check on my parents.

Hello, Mr. Evans?

What?

What, what?

No, I don't believe it!

What?

They found it.

No, don't tell me.

No, I don't want to know who it is.

No, I figure if any of my friends is a crook,

it's only temporary.

No, I-- don't tell me who it is.

Who was it?

Who?

Oh, come on!

Rob, who?

Who?

- I see. - What?

What?

He what?

Who what?

Honey, your jewelry case was stolen.

What?

Just a minute, she's checking.

Rob, my jewelry case was stolen.

I just told you.

Well, how did you know about it?

Because they recovered it.

So fast?

He's still on the phone.

Mr. Evans, we'll be expecting you.

Right, and thank you.

Honey, that jewelry case was stolen

at the same time the watch was.

We were so upset about the watch we

never even knew it was missing.

Rob, I'm almost afraid to ask, but who was it?

Well, the last person you'd suspect.

Millie?

No, honey, a crook.

Oh, come on, Rob.

Don't play games.

Who stole it? - A crook.

A crook crook.

You know, a guy that makes a living at it.

You mean a real crook was here in our house?

Right.

He came in through that bedroom window

while we were out here having the birthday party.

Who are you going to call?

I'm calling all of our friends to give them the good news

and to insist they come to the make up party.

A real crook!

Why didn't we ever think of that?

Honey, why suspect a stranger when you've

got a house full of friends?

Boy, if I'd have known the watch was that neat,

I'd have stolen it myself.

Hold it.

58, 59, 60.

It's Tuesday in Bangkok.

Big deal.

It'll be Tuesday here before Sally arrives.

Yeah, where is she? I'm starved.

Well, she said she had a surprise

and she didn't want to come till she

was sure everybody was here. - I'm here, I'm here.

I'm getting ready to leave already.

I love it when he says things like that.

[doorbell]

- There she is. - Yay!

- It's about time. - Come on!

Where do you suppose she's been?

I don't have no idea.

Hey, where you been? - Hello.

Hi, guys.

Come on in.

Right, you ready for the big surprise?

I want you to meet my new date.

[inaudible], what is this?

Sal, I'm glad you brought him here.

Let's get him.

Wait a minute, he's single!

We don't care!

[music playing]