All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s05e14

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."

Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, Mary Tyler Moore.

Wait a minute.

Shh.

I think I hear him coming.

Who's coming?

- Mel. - How do you know it's Mel?

The footsteps.

It's either Mel or Frankenstein.

Hey, we lose.

It's Mel.

People, I've got great news.

The Harvard Medical School found a way to get

your scalp into a bottle.

What's up, Mel?

Well, it's official from Alan.

He's decided to go into reruns until September, which

means we're all on vacation.

- Oh, Mel. - Hey.

That is great, isn't it?

That is just wonderful.

Mel, that is so great.

Thank you so very, very much.

Rob, isn't that wonderful?

Rob?

What's the matter?

I thought you'd be excited, Rob.

Well, I am.

I am, but I just got the weirdest feeling.

Me too.

But it'll go away when he does.

Did you ever have that feeling that you've

lived through the same experience twice?

Yeah, I did.

In high school when I was dating twin brothers.

No.

I'm talking about nine years ago right in this office.

Buddy, you remember.

I don't remember what happened yesterday in this office.

Rob, what are you talking about?

Nine years ago in this office, I

had just come on as head writer, about two months was all.

Buddy, Sally, and I were sitting at this desk writing a sketch.

You came in with some special n-- it was a cowboy sketch.

A cowboy-- you remember that?

Listen.

When a piece of news causes you this much trouble,

you remember the details.

People, I've got some wonderful news.

Oh, you cornered the market on fat.

All right, Mel.

What's the good news already?

Well, I just talked to Alan.

He's not going to do the summer show after all,

so I guess we're all on vacation.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Mel, that's just great.

BUDDY: Hey, that's great.

Wonderful.

SALLY: Oh jeez.

Mel, I got a contract.

Well, of course, you'll go back

on the payroll in September.

Well, see you in the fall.

Well, if it's your fall, make it at least 200 feet.

September.

Oh, isn't that great?

Hollywood, here I come.

You going to make a movie?

No, I'm going to take that job on "Talent Time."

It's a summer replacement show.

Oh, that's good.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going up the mountains, up to Lake Big Mouth Lodge.

You're going on vacation, Buddy?

No, I write the staff shows up there.

A good comedy writer is worth his weight in the sour cream.

Well, Mr. Head Writer, I guess you have all sorts

of interesting offers.

Hm?

Well, yeah.

I mean there's a lot of things available of course.

I'll have to think about them for a little while.

That's all. - Well, look.

If you want laughs, why don't you come up

to the mountains with me?

Free room and board.

Yeah, why don't you go to Big Mouth with Big Mouth?

- Free room and board, huh? - Yeah.

Gee.

That'd-- that'd be awful nice for Laura.

For Laura?

You want to take your wife along?

Well, yeah. Can't I?

Well, I guess it's all right if she wouldn't mind rooming

with you, me, and Ricardo.

Who's Ricardo?

Marvin Schwartz, the rumba teacher.

Well, thanks a lot, Buddy.

I couldn't leave Laura, you know, expecting

the baby and everything.

Hey, look, you guys.

I don't know about you, but I'm starved.

What do you say they go out and celebrate

our big vacation here with a nice expensive,

fattening lunch?

Uh, I-- I don't know, Sal.

Look.

In honor of the occasion, I'll treat.

Well, in honor of that occasion, I'll treat.

Come on.

Hey, I'll catch up with you.

I want to tell Laura we got two whole months off

with nothing to do.

OK.

And nothing to eat.

Boy, it was rough.

Out of work, a new house, no furniture, a baby on the way,

and not one single dime in the bank.

Well, gee whiz.

You kept showing up with those flashy suits

and a clean shirt every day.

You know, we thought you were loaded.

That's what I wanted you to think.

I was the new head writer.

I was fighting for your respect.

Yeah.

Well, you lost the fight.

We still don't respect you.

[laughs]

Rob, how come you didn't take that job up in the mountains?

What?

And share a room with that?

The drive home that night was rough.

I'm going home to a wife expecting

a baby, who was also expecting a husband with a paycheck.

And I had to think of some gentle way to tell her

not to expect the paycheck.

[dreamy music]

Hi.

Hi, honey.

How'd it go today?

Oh, just wonderful.

Good.

Boy, having a baby agrees with you.

You look pretty. - Thank you.

Come here. I need your help.

What do you think?

Should the coffee table go here, or until the couch

comes would it be better if it went somewhere over there?

What-- what coffee table?

The one you're standing on.

Oh.

The legs are a little short, aren't they?

Rob, I saw it downtown today.

You're going to love it.

It's so beautiful, and it's only $165.

$165!

Too much?

Oh, boy, honey.

Is it ever?

Here.

Rob, don't wrinkle the table.

Honey, we can't afford it.

We can't?

Not only can't we afford a coffee table.

We can't afford coffee.

You got fired.

No, no.

You better sit down, honey.

Rob, what in the world happened?

- You ready? - Ready?

I'm ready to burst.

Will you tell me what it is?

I got laid off till next September.

Oh, thank goodness.

What do you mean thank goodness?

Thank goodness it's not one of the various tragedies

I imagined.

Honey, it is a--

don't you understand?

I'm out of work.

We got no money coming in, and we owe a fortune.

Oh, Rob, we don't owe that much.

The car, the washing machine, the television set, the house.

Wait, a minute.

You held up two fingers for the house.

First and second mortgages.

I knew I shouldn't have bought this place

till I was sure I was all set.

But you are all set.

Yeah.

I'll be set in September.

Right now, I'm just upset.

Can't you get an advance?

Well, honey, getting an advance

is just like another debt.

Something we can't use right now is another debt.

Besides, I'd just as soon they didn't know I needed the money.

Well, I-- I could always go back to dancing.

In your condition?

Oh, but Rob, a lot of girls I know go right

on dancing until they show. And I don't show yet.

See?

Honey, I am the breadwinner in the family.

And that's final.

I almost forgot to put on dinner.

Forget about it.

I'm not very hungry.

Oh, come on, Rob.

It's paid for.

Well, honey--

I'm sorry, I--

I'm upset, that's all.

But I'm the one who has a responsibility for my wife

and whatever.

You know, we can always borrow from my folks.

And have them think I'm some kind of a bum

who can't support the family?

Oh, no.

If we do any borrowing is going to be from my folks.

And have them think that I can't manage a household?

No, sir.

Well, then I don't know what to do.

Well, I think the first thing we should do is have dinner.

I'll put the steak on.

Steak!

Honey, we can't afford any steak.

Well, when I bought it, we could.

Well, cook it carefully, will you?

Oh, come on.

Rob, stop saying things like that.

You make it sound like we're completely destitute.

Well, almost.

That's not true.

For one thing we'll have at least $45 a week coming in.

Oh yeah.

From where?

Your unemployment insurance.

Unemployment insurance?

Rob, you were laid off. Weren't you?

Yeah.

Yeah, but honey, I'm a writer, and a writer just--

you know, keeps working all the time,

writing stories and everything.

Yeah, but that's just pure speculation.

I mean, you're not making any money at that.

Well, neither does Tennessee Williams

until he finishes something and go out-- he goes and sells it.

He's not on unemployment insurance, is he?

Rob, the money is there for you to use when you need it.

And darling, I don't know about Tennessee Williams,

but you're definitely out of work.

Yeah.

In a way it's kind of my money, isn't it?

Right.

I'll go fix dinner.

Yeah, I guess I could go down there

and sign up at the employment office.

There's no reason I can't do it.

I owe it to myself.

LAURA: Right.

I owe it to you.

I owe it to my future child.

I owe practically everybody in the world.

[upbeat music]

Excuse me.

Yeah?

Am I in the right line here?

For what?

Well, for the money?

- What's your last name? - Petrie.

- With a P? - Yeah.

Yes, sir.

Petrie with a P.

Well, then go with the Ps.

That line over there.

At the end of the T line.

Oh, I see.

[stammers] I didn't see the letters.

It's my first time here.

- Hey, Rob. - Huh?

Rob Petrie.

What are you doing here?

What?

Well, it's me, Herbie Finkel, don't you remember?

From "The Alan Brady Show," about five weeks ago.

Oh, you played the vacuum cleaner salesman.

Yeah.

You were-- you were very funny.

- Oh, thanks. - How are you doing?

Well, great, great.

How you doing?

Oh, fine, fine.

Great, great, and fine, fine.

So what are we doing here?

You get canned? - No.

No. No.

We're just on a little summer vacation, you know?

But I-- I you know, every working man has a right.

I mean the money's here.

We're entitled to take it. - Yeah.

Well, don't worry.

Something else will come up pretty soon.

Well--

Ah, don't worry, sweetheart.

Well, see you next week.

Same time, same place.

Right here.

I'm just on vacation.

I'm sorry, Mr. Norris, but you haven't filled in your 15B.

You mean I don't get any benefits?

Not until you bring in your record of earnings from Iowa.

Iowa.

Well, I haven't worked in three months.

Well, I'm sorry, but we don't need that form.

Boy, what a crummy state this is.

Next.

Next.

Oh, that's me.

May I help you?

Uh, to tell you the truth.

I don't know.

I don't have that 15B either.

Are you a legal resident of this state?

Well, yes, Miss McCracken.

Legal residents don't need a 15B.

Well, gee, that hardly seems fair.

What doesn't?

Well, I-- I couldn't help overhearing that man

who hadn't worked for three months here,

and this is my first day.

Well, rules are rules.

Yeah.

I suppose sometimes you have to be cruel.

Well, you know, strict.

Well, rules are rules.

Your name?

Petrie, P-E-T-R-I-E.

First name?

Robert.

R-O-B--

E-R-T.

ROB: Right.

Middle name?

S.

MCCRACKEN: S?

Simpson.

I was named after Simpson.

Phone number?

ROB: NE69970.

Your occupation?

Well, I'm out of work.

I mean before you were out of work.

Oh, I'm a head writer.

Head waiter.

Writer.

A head what?

Writer.

Just what is a head writer?

Well, see, in television, they have writers,

and then they have--

you know, they have head writers.

You-- you work in television?

Yes, I'm a television writer.

Oh, I see.

Well, who was your last employer?

Alan Brady.

Really?

[gasps] I love that show.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

Actually, I-- I was employed by his corporation,

Scooby Dooby Productions.

Two oos in Scooby.

Yeah.

Two oos in Scooby, Scooby Dooby.

Can you do any other kind of writing rather than head

writing, that joke writing?

Well, yeah.

I suppose I can.

Why do-- why do you ask?

Well, Mr. Petrie, you see, our function here

is to try to find you work.

Yeah.

Look, Miss-- Miss McCracken, I want to work.

I don't care what kind of work it is.

You know.

Well, that's a very fine attitude, Mr. Petrie.

Yeah.

Well, I guess panic does that to a person.

When-- when-- when would I get it?

The job?

I was expecting something in the way of money.

Oh, well, that has to come from Albany.

How?

Oh, they'll mail it to you in a couple of weeks.

ROB: Oh.

Do you have your own typewriter?

Yeah.

Yes, I have a portable.

It's in excellent condition.

Well, the little E and the little O

make like two big periods.

It just needs a good cleaning.

That's all.

Well, we see what we can do.

No, I'll have it cleaned myself.

I mean, we'll see what we can do about getting you a job.

Oh.

Well, when you do, then I'll have it cleaned.

[laughs] Well, I guess thank you very much.

Oh, excuse me.

It takes a couple of weeks.

She's very sweet.

Oh, Buddy and Sally, it's just beautiful.

Huh?

Just beautiful.

Hey, you really like it?

Oh, I love it.

And Rob will too.

You really think he'll like it?

Oh, of course, he will.

Hey, can I get you something?

Nah, if we had wanted anything,

we'd have brought it along.

Buddy, can't you remember when you and Pickles started out?

No, but I remember how we finished up.

- Hi. - Hi, Rob.

Hi, you guys. What you doing here?

Look what Buddy and Sally brought us.

Isn't that great?

Oh, boy.

I'll say.

Like it?

Wow.

That's beautiful.

Hey, now, we can eat sitting down.

And if you don't have anything to eat,

you can always play cards.

Well, I guess you guys are all packed

to go off to those nice jobs.

Well, have you made up your mind

about what you're going to do?

Well, I got a couple of hot irons in the fire, you know.

You mean you can still make a living rustling cattle?

ROB: [laughs]

Darling, could I see you in the kitchen for a minute?

No, no.

No, no.

Before she takes you aside to tell

you that Miss McCracken called.

Who is McCracken?

Uh, McCracken?

Yeah, darling.

I almost forgot to tell you she called a few minutes ago.

Yeah. We were sitting here.

We asked her what it was all about,

and she wouldn't tell us. - Come on.

What's it all about?

Well, uh, uh, my insurance company,

some secretary probably.

McCracken?

Isn't that the name of Danny Thomas' secretary?

No.

I think that's McCraven.

No, I'm right.

It's McCracken.

Am I right, Rob?

I don't know, Buddy.

Well, why don't you call back and see who it is?

I'll tell you why, because he's

got something big on the fire, and he's

trying to freeze us out.

Oh, I wouldn't do that.

Look.

Whenever I call back, whoever she is,

I'll put in a good word for the both of you.

OK? - All right.

Come on, Buddy. Let's go home.

I got to go feed my cat anyway.

Not me.

I'm staying right here till he calls.

Well, she did say she'd only be there till 5 o'clock.

Here's the number.

Oh, well.

OK. I'll call.

I'll call. That's all.

I'll call.

Don't forget the name Sorrell with two Rs, two Ls,

and too funny for words.

Hey, Buddy and Sally, want to come

see what I'm doing in the den?

Oh, come on.

You can't be doing anything in the den.

You're right here. - Yeah.

You're not getting us out of this room.

No.

Miss-- Miss McCracken please.

Hello, Miss McCracken.

This is Mr. Petrie, Rob Petrie.

MCCRACKEN (ON PHONE): Oh, yes, Mr. Petrie.

Well, it's amazing.

10 minutes after you left here, we got a call for a writer.

Well, that's great.

It's with the Wrightwood Electronics

Corporation in Mount Vernon.

Yeah, yeah.

They're the biggest makers of television rectifier tubes.

The biggest, huh?

Hey, tell them you got a couple of friends.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Say, Miss McCracken, I know I'd be

the-- probably the head writer, but do

you have any other openings?

Head writer?

You'd be the only writer.

Oh, I'd be the only writer.

Huh?

I'm sorry, you guys.

They-- they asked for me, huh?

Well, as a matter of fact, they

didn't even know you existed until I told them your name.

Well, that's wonderful--

[laughs] wonderful.

You tell them that I'm available if the price is right.

I beg your pardon.

[laughs] Just a little joke there, Miss McCracken.

I'll talk-- I'll discuss it with them.

What the-- 9 o'clock.

All right.

I'll-- I'll-- I'll be there, Miss McCracken.

Thank you very much.

Goodbye. - Well?

Well?

ROB: Well, I called.

How do you like this guy?

How do you like him?

Only in town two months, and already he's got

a big deal with Danny Thomas.

Well, it hasn't got anything to do with Danny Thomas.

I ain't leaving here until you tell us.

It is in television?

Yeah. Yeah.

It's in television. - Yeah.

Well, what is it?

Fixing sets or something.

If I tell you, will you stop bothering me about it?

BOTH: Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

They want me to go to work for a company that makes

television rectifier tubes.

Ah.

Boy, I'd like to rectify our friendship

into a little animosity.

You just wait some time when you want us to tell you something.

Yeah.

I guess if we want to hear anything about it

we'll have to read in the papers.

Come on, Buddy.

Yeah, The Daily Rat.

You're not really mad, are you?

Oh, Rob, come on.

If we were mad, we'd take back that stunning bridge set.

Hey, that's a good idea.

Oh, come on.

Thank you very much.

OK.

Good luck, Rob.

I'm sorry.

OK.

What kind of job did you really get?

They want me to work at a company that make

television rectifier tubes.

I already told you.

Well, it isn't much, but you know,

if things work out OK, why, maybe we'll

see about getting a new office, you know, with partitions,

vinyl floors, the works.

Oh, boy, that'd be swell.

Let me see.

Where did I put that stuff?

Oh, you have a typewriter.

Good.

My E and my--

and my O are working OK.

There's the baby.

One 3HBB rectifier and a specification chart.

Now, that's a 3HBB all right.

You mean you've handled one of these before?

Well, no not exactly.

But our television guy took the back of our set,

and he was jiggling some tubes around.

It was over there in the corner.

Well, he called it a thingamajig though.

It's a 3HBB rectifier.

Oh, don't worry.

Boy, I learned fast.

I almost had to write a radio report on open pit mining.

I picked it up just like that.

Now, look, Petrie.

I don't expect you to be a technical genius, just so long

as you can describe this stuff to our stockholders

in simple everyday language.

Well, I'll do the very best I can.

You see, this stuff always sounds so doggone

dull and technical, that I--

I thought a good comedy writer might be

able to give it some pee-zazz.

Pee-zazz.

Keep the 3HBB as funny as you can.

Hey, how about this one?

What did the overloaded circuit say to the 3HBB?

You burn me up?

Boy, that one got around fast.

The great ones always do.

Pee-zazz, huh?

[rattling]

[typewriter clacking]

3HBB rectifier tube.

is breakable.

Hey, you.

Joe Galardi.

Oh, hi, Rob Petrie.

- You with us? - Yes, I am.

As a matter of fact, seems like a nice group of people.

Good. We're going on strike.

Strike?

Who's on strike?

We are.

The employees of this lousy company.

You are?

What do you mean "you are"? We are.

You're an employee here too, you know?

Well, I-- I just started working

here like two minutes ago.

Now, look, shirt and tie, if you want a scab,

you go ahead, but don't say I didn't warn you.

I mean, It's not that.

I don't even know what you're striking for.

Well, what are we striking for?

Better working conditions.

Can't you tell?

- Well, to be honest. - I mean, look at the lighting.

It's worse than the Tunnel of Love.

I had no idea.

And how about the lunchroom?

Have you ever seen anything like it in your life?

Well, to be honest, I haven't been there.

What there? This is it.

- This is the lunch room? - Yeah.

Sickening, ain't it?

No decent place to sit down, no trash barrel.

No decor, no nothing.

Well, [stammers] it could use a couple of pictures.

And look at your typewriter.

You know how this got broke?

No.

We use this to open our bottles.

That's terrible.

So you're with us, right?

Well, I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

You don't want to type eight hours a day on a bottle opener,

do you?

No, I don't.

My wife's going to have a baby.

Hey, that is great.

She can carry a sign by the front gate.

They wouldn't dare run down a fat lady.

She doesn't even show yet.

What I mean is I got to keep working

and keep paying the bills. - See.

Now, what is more important?

Standing up for human dignity or paying off a few lousy bills?

Well, I don't know.

I'm just a writer.

I don't think about human dignity.

Well, I mean, I don't know what you think the problems are.

Look, pal.

Are you against us?

Absolutely not.

Well, then you're with us?

Well, I guess so, but I-- look, I don't know

what help I could be.

I don't know anything about strikes.

Are you kidding?

A writer is the best guy we could have on our side.

He is?

Yeah, sure.

It's OK, Tommy.

He's with us.

Bring them in.

OK, here's what we need.

Let me have six "this management unfair."

Write four "this plant on strike,"

and eight "give the lunchroom back to the rats."

And anything else you can come up with.

- How about "Help"? - Yeah, that's good.

That's good. - Good.

I'll carry that one myself.

[somber music]

Hi, honey.

Surprise.

Huh?

I said surprise.

- Oh, no. - Yeah.

When you called and said you got the job,

I decided you deserved a present.

Oh, boy.

- What do you think? - I love it.

Good.

Take it back.

Take it back?

I'm on strike.

Strike?

Rob, why did you go on strike?

Because everybody else did.

That's why.

Well, why did you have to do?

Mainly because I didn't want to take the bus home.

What?

Well, that's the only alternative you've got

after they turn your car over.

It was that bad, huh?

Oh, it was terrible.

By 4 o'clock, they had me crossing out

the "this plan on strike" sign and putting down "down

with management brutality."

Was it that bad a company?

I don't know.

I didn't see all of it except the lunch room.

Well, at least, we're no worse off

today than we were yesterday.

Says who?

Honey, when you're on strike, you are not qualified

for unemployment insurance.

Oh, Rob, are you sure?

Oh, I'm sure.

I checked with Joe Galardi.

He's an expert.

Well, there's nothing to do now, but I

guess borrow from the folks.

Whose folks?

At this point, I don't think it makes much difference.

Good. Then we'll call mine.

Wait a minute. I got a better idea.

Heads, my folks. Tails, your folks.

OK. But I'll flip it.

OK. Heads, mine.

Tails, yours.

OK.

[coin clinks]

Where'd it go?

Why didn't you let me flip it, honey?

[phone ringing]

Oh, I just thought that if I flipped it, it would be lucky.

Some lucky.

If we don't find that quarter, we don't eat tonight.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mel.

No, Laura-- Laura was out shopping.

I was out on some business.

Well, we don't know yet.

There's several possibilities we're considering, Mel.

Well, I haven't decided.

It's just a flip of a coin now.

Found it.

Oh, good.

Huh?

Oh, nothing, Mel.

Uh.

What is it?

He does?

Well, I mean, what kind of a thing?

LAURA: What?

Wait, wait, wait.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Well, that just sounds wonderful, Mel.

What about Laura?

What about me?

Yeah.

You-- listen, tell Alan I would love to, Mel.

What other job?

Oh, the job.

Well, there's a certain loyalty there, Alan--

Mel-- and I think that I should work with Alan.

OK.

Well, that's wonderful.

I'll see you first thing in the morning, Mel.

All right.

Bye.

[humming]

[whistling]

Alan is going to play a nightclub in Miami Beach,

and I'm going to write it for the summer.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Well, I hope you've got something

to do this summer, because Alan is just going to loaf.

Oh, he's taking your job, huh?

Well, I certainly won't miss you this summer.

Well, I'm getting a .38, and I ain't going to miss you either.

Yuck.

Buddy, what are you going to do two whole months off?

Who are you going to insult?

I'm still married.

[chuckles]

What about you, Rob?

You going to go to work, or you just going to loaf around?

Oh, I don't know.

We might take a car trip out West.

We've been promising Ritchie he could spit in the Grand Canyon.

Buddy?

Well, for one thing I'm staying

away from the Grand Canyon.

What are you going to do?

Oh, I don't know.

I guess I'll try a little of that unemployment jazz.

How about you, Sal?

Oh, I don't qualify.

You mean you found work already?

No.

I told you I was going husband hunting,

and for me that's a full-time job.

[theme music]