All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s05e13

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

WOMAN (ON TV): This is the clearing my father

wrote about in his diary.

MAN (ON TV): We'll never find him

in this jungle of green death.

We must go back.

Sure, it's not your father.

WOMAN (ON TV): Blake, come back.

You'll never make it alone.

MAN (ON TV): Leave me alone, Margot.

I know what I'm doing.

[lion growls]

Margot, help!

[moans]

That's what you get for fighting with your wife.

[door closes]

[footsteps]

Honey, you're up.

You've got a swinging lamp and a hot television set.

Well, I just couldn't sleep.

Where were you?

I was at the movies.

If you're interested, I was worried.

ROB: I'm interested, and I'm sorry.

So am I. Gee.

I've never seen you so mad.

Well, a side of me I don't like to show.

That's why I got out of here.

I just felt stupid.

Did you know you broke the cream pitcher?

Was it-- was it the good set?

No, but it still counts.

Well, you know it's partly your fault.

If it was on the shelf properly, it wouldn't have fallen

off when I slammed the door.

I guess we're mutually responsible

for the whole thing.

Correction to that.

Our mothers are mutually responsible.

Both mothers?

It's got to be both mothers, or we're

going to start all over again.

Gee, what am I going to tell mine?

Well, call your mother tomorrow

and ask her to call my mother.

I'll call my mother and ask her to call your mother.

And?

And while they're fighting it out,

we'll live happily ever after.

How about a nice, big make-up kiss?

OK.

Rob.

Your eye.

Isn't that cute?

How'd it happen?

You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Try me.

Well, you know this iron jockey out in Jerry's lawn?

He punched you?

Right.

Oh, come on, Rob.

What happened?

He punched me.

You know how he stands there with that fist up

in the air like that?

It's this eye.

Yeah, that's intriguing, isn't it?

Well, what were you doing on their lawn?

Honey, I'll tell you a minute.

Right now, I got to get a cold pack on this eye.

It's stinging like a very--

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Yes, it is.

This is Mrs. Petrie.

Who's calling?

Oh my goodness.

Well, yes.

Yes, he's here.

No, he was out.

Alone.

Well, yes, he was in his own car.

Well, I think he--

well, of course he was in his own car.

What's wrong?

Well, do you want me to get him?

I see.

Well, all right.

You're welcome.

Goodbye.

Who was that on the phone this hour of the night?

- The police. - The police?

What did they want?

You.

Police?

What did they want with me?

They were checking on your car.

What about my car?

Well, they said it might have been involved in a crime.

My car couldn't have been involved in a crime.

It was with me all evening.

What else did they say?

Did you do something unlawful tonight?

Honey, whose side are you on?

Rob, there aren't any sides.

Except with the police.

They're always on the good side.

Darling, did you lend your car to someone?

No.

The car was with me all night at the movies.

I mean, in the drive-in, you know.

I was in it all night.

From the minute I left here till I got back, that car

and I were never separated.

Oh boy.

What-- oh boy?

Millie and Jerry, I bet they called the police.

Millie and Jerry? Why?

I accidentally cut through their driveway,

and I knocked over a bunch of garbage cans,

and they probably thought it was hit and run.

Oh, Rob, knocking over a garbage can

isn't a hit and run.

I left the garbage.

Anyway, I was stooping over to pick up a grapefruit rind,

and that's when I got nailed by the iron jockey.

Well, it doesn't sound like a police matter.

No.

Of course, it isn't.

I'm just looking for some kind of an explanation.

Jerry knows my car.

He knows my license number.

He wouldn't call a police.

He'd run over here and dump my garbage cans in retaliation.

What did I do?

Darling, you didn't do anything.

Yeah, right.

That's right.

Well, what do they think I did?

Oh, I don't know, Rob.

It's probably some mistake.

He said they were just checking.

He didn't even sound mad.

Well they never sound mad, you know.

Did you ever see how they smile when

they give you a traffic ticket?

Maybe I ought to call them.

No, they said if they wanted you for anything else,

they'd call back.

Well, I guess it was just a routine check.

Oh, probably.

They why do I feel so guilty?

The police called here?

The real police?

Yeah.

What did they want?

Well, it was something about Rob's car maybe being involved

in a crime or something.

Well, Laura, we definitely did not report it.

We heard the noise, and Jerry looked out and saw it was Rob

and said he's probably drunk.

Really?

Well, you're both too perfect.

Jerry said sooner or later you're going to crack.

What did the police want with your car?

And where was Rob going in that crazy rush?

Well, just out.

Well, where?

Well, he ended up at a movie.

What movie?

I don't know.

You didn't ask?

No, I--

Millie, will you stop grilling me?

I'm not grilling.

I'm asking.

Your husband goes out.

He crashes into garbage cans.

He says he's going to a movie.

And now he's wanted by the police,

and you just let it go at that.

Laura, you're too trusting.

Well, Millie, really I had no reason not to be trusting.

Rob tells me everything.

Everything he remembers.

Well, what does that mean?

Well, maybe last night when he got hit in the eye--

He got hit in the eye too?

Who hit him?

Your iron jockey.

That cute little thing in my lawn?

Millie, can you get amnesia from a hit in the eye?

Laura, maybe that's it.

That's possible.

He could have gotten amnesia and committed some despicable crime

he can't even remember.

Gee, Millie, you're such a comfort at times like this.

Aw, listen, what are friends for?

Hey.

Rob here?

He's playing the piano.

Can't you hear? - Listen.

Did you hear about the big fight they had, Laura and Rob?

Oh, come on.

Rob and Laura never fight.

So how come when I called up last night, Rob sounded upset,

and he told me he'd call me back?

So?

So he didn't call me back.

And when I called back and asked Laura where he was,

she said she doesn't know.

But she knew.

They had a big fight.

Boy, I can't wait to get all the details.

Well, maybe you're right.

But if you're smart, you won't say anything.

Hey, Rob, you and Laura had a big fight, huh?

So I'm not smart.

Hey, maybe you are.

Rob, where did you get that shiner?

Oh, that's not Laura's.

That's Jerry's jockey.

Oh, I didn't even know he had a horse.

Think you're going to tell us about it,

or do we have to heckle you all day?

All right.

You want me to start when the police called?

The police.

Hey, I told you I was right.

What did you do to Laura?

I didn't do anything to Laura.

Laura and I are fine.

All right.

Well then, forget about you and Laura.

Why'd the police call?

Will you stop being such a busybody?

Why'd the police call?

Well, I think they called because I knocked

over a couple of garbage cans.

You should have knocked over a bank.

There's no money in garbage.

Forget about it. Come on.

It's more interesting. Tell us about the fight.

[telephone ringing] - Will you please stop?

SALLY: Hello?

Laura and I kissed, and we made up.

Rob, it's for you.

- Who is it? - Pucker up.

It's the police.

Hello.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

This-- this is Robert--

Robert Petrie.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

No, sir.

No, I didn't hit anybody in the face.

No, that's impossible.

Well, yeah, that's-- that's my license number, all right.

If you want me to.

Yes, sir, right away.

Yes, sir.

Hey if you need a good lawyer--

Hey, Rob, who got hit in the face?

Some lady in a bar.

They said that you hit an old lady?

Oh, come on.

That's ridiculous.

Well, boy, someone who drives a car with my license number

did.

Hey, you drive one of those.

Where were you last night?

I was in the car all night.

Aha, he's guilty.

Will ya cut that out?

Now, where'd you drive, Rob?

To a drive-in movie.

Yeah, yeah, what'd you see?

"The Guns of Navarone."

I hope you remember the plot.

As a matter of fact, I slept through the whole thing.

You slept through "The Guns of Navarone?"

I told you he was guilty.

I turned the sound off on the little box.

Look, if you need a good lawyer, here.

Just call.

Ask for Manny Schecter.

Buddy, I don't need a lawyer.

All the guys want to do is chat with me.

Those guys don't chat with you, boy.

They grill ya.

And when they get through grilling, you're cooked.

Why are trying to put me behind bars?

I'm a public-spirited citizen.

Look.

I'm going to have to get back up to New Rochelle.

I'll probably clear it up in about 10 minutes.

SALLY: Sure.

BUDDY: Yeah, that's what Al Capone said on his way

to the income tax office.

I'm Robert Petrie.

Oh, yes, Mr. Petrie.

I talked to you on the phone.

That's right, on the phone we spoke.

This is Detective Cox.

Detective Cox.

Yep.

Well, we're sorry to get you away

from your work like this, Mr. Petrie,

but we'd like your resistance in an investigation.

You ask me anything you want.

I want to help you in any way I possibly can.

All right, pull up a chair.

Oh, thank you.

So I can't understand why somebody would give my license

number in connection with an alleged assault

on a face-- a lady's face.

Actually, the witnesses don't agree on the license number.

- Oh? - No.

We're not sure whether the last number

is a 3, an 8, a 6, or a 9.

Well, I would like to go on record

as saying that mine is an 8.

You're on record.

Right.

We're running a check on the other three numbers.

Yes, there are three other suspects.

Gee.

I never kind of thought of myself as a suspect.

You'll get used to it.

Were you out between 11:00 and midnight?

Well, you can put it that way if you wanted to.

I was out between about 9:00 and 1:00, and since 11:00 and, uh,

12:00-- you know, 12:00 is between the span

of 9:00 and 1:00, you could--

I mean, you could safely assume I was out

during that time in question.

Were you out between 11:00 and midnight?

Right, right.

I, uh-- I thought we established that.

Mr. Petrie, I'd like to read you a part of the complaint.

Oh, well, if you'd like to read it,

I'd like very much to hear it.

The complaint states that the victim alleges

that at about 11:45 PM the suspect did,

without provocation, strike her repeatedly

about the face and shoulders with sufficient force

as to drive her head through the front window of the B&G Bar

and Grill, smashing the glass and resulting

in additional cuts and bruises.

That's terrible.

We think so.

Mr. Petrie, where were you at 11:45 last night?

Well, [laughs] I had a little spat with my wife.

Nothing serious, you know, but I had to get out of the house

and cool off a little bit, so.

Did you hit your wife?

Hit my--

I don't even spank my kid.

You know, you really think I hit that old lady?

Well, you tell us.

One witness gave us your license number.

You admit you were out last night alone.

You walk in here nervous as a burglar and with a black eye.

Now, where'd you get the black eye?

[laughs] You're gonna-- you're gonna laugh.

You want to bet?

Well, I got it from a statute.

I was-- I was leaning--

you see, I was leaning over to pick

up a bunch of grapefruit rinds, coffee, and all that stuff.

Well, earlier in the evening, as I--

I knocked over a whole bunch of garbage cans, see.

And-- well, you had to be there.

Mr. Petrie, the only thing that we have to know

is can you establish your whereabouts

at 11:45 last night?

Well, exactly, exactly.

I was in a drive-in movie.

But don't ask me what the plot was.

I slept through the whole thing.

What was the picture?

[laughs] You're going to laugh--

"The Guns of Navarone."

You slept through "The Guns of Navarone?"

Why did I think you'd laugh?

You really can't establish where you were then.

Wait a minute.

The ticket taker at the drive-in movie

might be able to establish my whereabouts

at the time in question.

NORTON: You spoke to him?

No, but he--

he possibly could identify me.

How?

Just tell him that I am the guy

with the lettuce on his bumper.

Well, from when I bumped into the garbage,

and that verifies my previous testimony.

That's fine, Mr. Petrie.

I guess that about winds it up for now.

I'll tell you, we'll continue our investigation

on the other license plates, and we'll contact you

if anything further develops. - What?

Contact?

You mean, uh, I can go?

Well, you will be in New Rochelle

for the rest of the day? - Do you want me to be?

We would love it.

Boy, New Rochelle it is.

That's it.

I want to clear this thing up just as--

more than you guys do.

I got the feeling-- you know, the feeling

just until you find the guy who did it,

I'm, uh-- you think it's--

I'm the-- I am him.

NORTON: Frankly, it has occurred to us.

Well, listen, I want to reassure you right now.

I didn't do it. That's all.

COX: Mm-hmm.

And I'd like to reassure you that--

you to reassure me that, you know, you believe me.

Rob.

Hi, honey.

What are you doing home?

Look, before you start with all the questions,

do we have any frankfurters in the house?

Frankfurters?

Yeah, I asked Buddy and Sally to come up,

and I promised them frankfurts and beans.

Buddy and Sally are coming here?

- Yeah. - Why?

To work.

Rob, what's happening?

Why aren't you at the office?

Well, honey, I had to go up to the New Rochelle Police--

Police Department.

Right now I'm released in my own custody.

Your own custody for what?

Well, I don't know.

They said I beat up an old lady.

You what?

Not "you what," honey.

You're supposed to say "you didn't."

Well, of course you didn't, Rob.

But why do they think you did?

I don't know.

Why'd they send Dreyfus to Devil's Island?

It was a mistake, I tell you.

Well, the first thing we have to do is get a lawyer.

Honey, I don't need a lawyer.

I'm innocent.

So was Dreyfus.

That was 100 years ago.

This is today.

I'm innocent.

Rob, innocent people need lawyers

just as much as guilty ones.

Where did you hear that?

On "The Defenders" lots of times.

[doorbell chimes]

Get that, will you, honey?

It's probably Buddy and Sally.

You need a lawyer, Rob.

Honey, we don't need any lawyer,

at least not yet we don't.

LAURA: Rob?

Huh?

LAURA: It's the police.

Now we need a lawyer.

Wait a minute.

This ought to do it.

[window rattling]

That did it.

You're a regular little housebreaker.

Aren't you, Millie?

How do you like these people?

Invite you to their house, then they lock you out.

So Millie, you sure you don't know where they are?

I didn't even know they were gone.

Listen, I got to get back to my kids.

It's between rounds.

I'll see ya.

Thanks a lot, Millie. Hey.

What?

Here's a note.

Maybe it's a clue.

Rob and I are at the police station.

Uh-oh.

How do you like that?

They got Laura too.

You can find Cheese Dinkles in the cupboard and clam

dip in the refrigerator.

Yuck.

I hate Cheese Dinkles.

Rob and Laura are at the police station,

and all you're concerned about is food?

Look, Rob said we were going to have franks and beans.

He promised.

I guess the only thing to do is to just wait here and worry.

What do you say we try and get some work done

and surprise him when he gets back, huh?

What for?

We've got at least 10 years.

Don't you care what's happening?

Of course I do.

On the outside, I'm devil may care, but inside I'm starving.

Oh shut up and eat some Cheese Dinkles.

I told you.

I hate Cheese Dinkles.

Boy, there must be something else around here.

Hey, I found it.

SALLY: What?

The key to my hunger.

The key to Rob's car. It's in their driveway.

Come on. We'll go to a delicatessen.

Sure.

And when he gets back, he'll report his car stolen.

With his record, who's going to believe him?

Come on before I get cranky.

Well, honey, don't worry about anything.

Just tell them the truth. That's all.

All right, but be careful, Rob.

Sometimes they try to trick you.

You can't trick an innocent person.

Well, I mean, watch yourself anyway.

Oh, hi.

This is my wife Laura.

Laura this is Detectives Courtney and Knox.

Cox and Norton.

ROB: Right.

Well, here we are.

Mr. Petrie, we got you back down here because we checked

out those other license plates.

Oh, did you get your man?

We think so.

There's a little more information we'd

like to check out with you.

Still me?

Yeah, still you.

Look.

I'm trying to be a good citizen or a suspect

or whatever it is I am.

But right at the moment, I'm getting a little impatient.

He loses his temper pretty quick, doesn't he, Mrs. Petrie?

No, he doesn't.

As a matter of fact, he doesn't even spank our son.

That corroborates my previous testimony.

Rob, shouldn't we wait for the lawyer?

Honey, I've got nothing to hide.

Come on, shoot.

Uh, well, you know, whatever.

How much liquor do you consume in a week?

What?

Rob does not drink.

Oh boy, she's right there, fellas.

One drink, I'm completely out of my skull.

Chief, we're ready.

Oh.

Well, Mr. Petrie, if you'll just bear with us for a moment.

I think we've got a perfect way to straighten

this out once and for all. - What?

Lie detector test? I'll take it.

No lie detector test, just positive identification

by witnesses. - Fine.

Fine.

Rob, please wait for our lawyer.

Honey, that would be silly.

There isn't a witness in his right mind could identify me.

Who says the witnesses are going to be in their right minds?

This whole thing is crazy.

These are the witnesses?

Oh no, these are the men to the lineup.

Wait a minute.

You're going to put me in a lineup?

Rob, please, wait for our lawyer.

OK, friends, you know the routine.

Well, you don't have to if you don't want to, Mr. Petrie.

Well, I don't particularly want to, but I will.

I will.

You mean you're going to stand up there?

One second, honey, it'll be over.

Let's go. Up on the platform.

Hurry.

Rob.

Get Mrs. Fieldhouse.

Thank you for coming down, Mrs. Fieldhouse.

It's my pleasure.

I just want to get that bum behind bars,

hitting a defenseless old lady.

Well, my husband and I feel the same way.

Who asked you?

Now, Mrs. Fieldhouse, if you can identify one

of the men standing up there as your assailant,

please point him out.

But, please, wait until we reach the end of the line.

OK.

Gotcha.

All right, number one, step forward and state your name.

COX: OK, number one, out in front.

Oh.

OK, number one, state your name.

My name is Robert Petrie.

NORTON: OK, number two.

My name's Robert Petrie.

OK, Taxey, knock off with the jokes.

You can stop right there.

That's him, the jerky one.

This one?

No, no, this one.

Me?

He hit you?

You saw it too, huh?

Will--

Are you certain?

Sure, I'm certain.

I'll swear to it.

That's the rat.

He did not hit you, and he's not jerky.

That's my husband.

Well, you should keep him locked up, lady.

You can tell she's a mutt.

Look at the veins in her nose.

Why, I oughta--

[shouting]

All right, everybody.

Everybody, simmer down.

Before there's any simmering down,

I would like to say that lady is wrong.

Rob, get out of that line this instant.

Right, honey.

As far as I'm concerned, there will

be no more lining up up here.

I'm waiting for my lawyer.

I'm waiting for his lawyer too.

Oh, will you stop it?

Come on.

Come on.

Mr. Petrie, now we have the bartender here

from the B&G Bar and Grill.

Do you know him? - How could I?

I told you I've never been in a bar.

Good.

In that case then, it can clean up this whole thing

once and for all. - Fine.

Bring on the bartender.

Would you mind sending in the bartender?

Oh.

Hi, Rob.

How are you doing, slugger?

Joe.

Well, that does it.

It doesn't do anything.

He's not calling me slugger from last night.

I can explain it.

Rob, will you stop explaining and wait for the lawyer?

- I don't need a lawyer. - Yes, you do.

Mr. Petrie, it's my duty to warn you that anything you say

can be used against you. - Thanks for the warning.

[telephone buzzes] - Hey, wait a minute now.

I can explain this whole thing. - All right, quiet.

No, let me tell you something.

Will you be quiet, ple-- what?

What?

Yeah, yeah.

OK.

Your lawyers are here.

Thank goodness.

SALLY: All right, hold everything.

We've got it all figured out.

BUDDY: Hold everything. SALLY: Hold it.

Hold it. - What are you saying?

You've harassed an innocent citizen long enough.

He's your lawyer?

They're friends of ours.

And if they'd like to stay our friends, they'll be quiet.

I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Well, wait a minute.

We've got the whole thing solved.

Rob, this whole thing started over your license plate, right?

- Yeah, right. - Yeah.

Well, we took your car out for a drive,

and we got a traffic ticket.

Oh, thanks.

I needed that.

Yeah, but do you know why we got a traffic ticket?

For driving without a license plate.

Without a license--

I've got a license plate.

Yeah?

When's the last time you looked? - Well, I don't know.

Who looks at their license plate?

Evidently you don't because yours was stolen.

Well, why would anyone steal a license plate?

Well, you see the guy that gave us

the ticket told us that car thieves take

them and put them on hot cars.

Is that true?

Yeah, it happens.

Well, Rob, that could explain how your license plate could

be somewhere where you weren't.

Well, just because it can happen doesn't mean it did.

What about his identifications?

I was trying to tell you that he's not identifying me--

me from last night.

It's from the little league.

Oh, Joe Coates, how are you?

I didn't recognize you without your cap

and the whistle and all. [laughs]

Look.

I can tell you right now.

Rob never laid a hand on Mrs. Fieldhouse.

He wasn't one of them.

Was there more than one?

Oh sure, Rob.

Everybody was trying to get a shot at her.

Well, that's terrible.

Oh no, she deserved it.

She's a real troublemaker.

Last night, she was tearing my joint to pieces.

But Rob wasn't even there.

I was trying to tell you.

I was--

Sleeping through "The Guns of Navarone."

You're lucky, Mr. Petrie.

That's a rotten alibi.

Yeah, well, you can count on one thing.

I'll have a better one tonight.

You won't need one.

That's what I thought last night.

Well, we're sorry about this, Mr. Petrie.

But you understand.

We got to check these things out.

Oh sure, I understand.

You guys are just doing your duty.

That's all.

Well, I guess you won't go on a bread and water diet

after all, huh?

Oh, we're better to our prisoners than that.

In fact, today we got franks and beans.

I confess.

You're gonna let this creep go?

He's not a creep.

You're asking for it, honey.

Look, Mrs. Fieldhouse, why don't you just run along?

Look, before I go, I want to tell you guys something.

The next time I get beat up in a bar,

I'm gonna make darn sure I know who hit me 'cause I

just can't depend on you guys.

You can't get any protection around here.

[theme music]