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[THEME MUSIC - EARLE HAGEN, "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW THEME"]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."
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Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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[music playing]
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You should be doing these exercises.
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Why?
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Because I hate them.
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Boy, do I feel strong now.
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[groans]
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Hey, look at this.
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Among the guests in attendance at the opening
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of the new Manhattan galleries were a prominent trial lawyer
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Clark Rice and his wife.
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Clark Rice.
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Is that your Clark Rice?
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Oh Rob, come on.
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He wasn't my Clark Rice.
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Well, he sure wasn't my Clark Rice.
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Well all right then, he was our Clark Rice.
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Look, there's a picture of him here.
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Well, there he is, old Clark Rice.
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Yeah, that's him.
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There he is.
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ROB (VOICEOVER): Clark Rice, huh.
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I still go boing when I think of him, but I'm improving.
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I used to go boing!
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LAURA (VOICEOVER): I'll bet Rob's still jealous.
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I hope so.
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A little jealousy is very healthy in a husband.
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ROB (VOICEOVER): Oh, I should be ashamed for still letting Clark
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make me go boing, but I guess you
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don't forget the guy who almost won your wife in a raffle.
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[music playing]
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Looks a little heavier.
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Who?
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Clark Rice.
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Oh, well maybe it's the photograph.
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Or his fat.
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ROB (VOICEOVER): Who, she says.
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She knew I was talking about Clark.
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LAURA (VOICEOVER): I didn't fool him with that, who.
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It was one of my worst who's.
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ROB (VOICEOVER): I bet Laura still thinks
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about him once in a while.
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Clark Rice, boy that sun-of-a-gun.
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If things had gone differently he'd
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be sleeping in this bed, married to that bed,
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and I was responsible.
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Boy, Rob, you're some balloon blower.
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Yeah, think I lost my lip.
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Why don't you take a break and hang up the poster?
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Oh come on, Rob.
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Look, you should be happy Laura was elected Bivouac Baby.
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It's an honor.
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You call that an honor!
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Va, va, Vavoom.
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What a shape.
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Come on, Sam.
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You don't have to stare.
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Now look pal, your raffling her off right?
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Yeah.
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So I might be the winner.
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Sam, you're my friend!
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Right Rob, to the end.
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But if I win her, that's the end.
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Uh, I think we ought to cover her up a little bit.
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With the KP rosters?
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Well, it's one way to get the guys to look
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at them once in a while.
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Look Rob, if this is gonna bother you this much just tell
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Laura to give up the title.
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Well, it wouldn't be fair Sam.
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She was a candidate for that thing
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long before we started going together.
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- Oh. - Hi.
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Oh hi, Laura.
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You got through with the rehearsal early, huh?
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Yeah, they gave me some extra time to get ready for tonight.
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Hi, Sam. - Hi, Laura.
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How's Vera?
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Too tall.
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Ah.
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Hey Laura, I'm going to be your honor guard tonight
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so maybe I should go shower or something, right.
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See you later, Bivouac Baby.
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Well, tonight's the big night.
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Yeah.
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Rob, are you upset about this whole thing?
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No.
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Well then, how come those papers are pinned on my legs?
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Hmm.
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No, I--
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Oh.
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A little psychological warfare there.
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What?
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No I, Sam was kidding around, that's all.
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Oh.
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Bivouac Baby, what a stupid title that is.
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Well, you thought it up.
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Yeah, but who knew you were going to be it.
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Hey honey, when it comes time to meet my parents
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don't tell him you were ever a Bivouac Baby, will you.
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OK, if you promise never to tell mine.
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You got a deal.
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OK.
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Well, I, I guess I'd better go.
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Oh yeah, I guess you better.
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Get all ready for the night.
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Yeah.
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Well, I'll see you there anyway.
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OK. Laura?
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Hmm.
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Look, don't get too fixed up tonight.
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Leave the powder off or something, you know.
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Eye makeup.
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Oh.
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Mess your hair all up and wear sneakers.
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How about combat boots?
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Yeah, that'd be good.
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How about a kiss?
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Hey, how about a late date.
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Well, you already arranged one for me.
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Yeah.
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Darn it, I wanted to go to our spot.
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Our spot?
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We don't have a spot.
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Well, I haven't got anything to do.
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I'll go find one.
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Oh.
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Then you're not upset about tonight?
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No, honest.
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Not a bit.
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Well, if you are just, you know, a little bit,
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just remember that all the time I'm out with him
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I'll be thinking of you.
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Ah, that's sweet.
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And all the time you're out with him I'll be thinking of me too.
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Goodbye.
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Oh, yeah.
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OK, I'll see you tonight. - Bye.
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Bye.
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OK, gang, here it is, that moment in the evening most
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of us have been looking forward to,
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the drawing for the winner of the date with the Bivouac Baby.
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I bet you haven't been looking forward to it, Rob.
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OK, here she is now.
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The queen of Camp Crowder, the Bivouac Baby, Laura Meehan.
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Speech!
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Speech!
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Oh, uh, I think they want an acceptance speech.
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Well, uh, I want to thank all of Camp Crowder
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for electing me, and it's a great honor
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and I hope I'll always be worthy of the title of Bivouac Baby.
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Thank you.
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Incidentally, the, uh, rules of the contest
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have been changed.
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The two armed guards will go along on the date.
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CROWD: Boo!
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So don't become a mob.
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I'm kidding there.
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OK, now Miss Bi-, uh, Laura will pick the, uh, pick the winning
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card out of the bowl now.
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Let's have a drum roll there.
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[burlesque drums]
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All right, knock it off [inaudible]..
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Let's have a drum roll in a military manner, please.
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[drum roll]
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And the winner is Corporal Clark Rice.
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HUMPHREY: What?
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Clark Rice.
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HUMPHREY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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OK, let's have a hand for the winner.
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Oh, look at our [inaudible] here.
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What a worthy winner.
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Let's have a real big hand for him, huh.
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So you're Clark Rice, huh?
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No, I'm Humphrey Dundee.
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Huh?
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87th, anti-aircraft.
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You see, Rice said that, uh, I should
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come up if his name was called.
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He's on guard duty, but he'll be off at 10:00.
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Well, well look, it's 10:10 right now.
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I'm afraid according to the rules,
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the contest is null and void.
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The prize that would have gone to Corporal Clark Rice
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goes to the MC.
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CROWD: Boo!
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Boo!
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There's Clark Rice!
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Clark, you won!
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Hey, I won? HUMPHREY: Yeah, yeah.
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No kidding. HUMPHREY: Yeah, come on up here.
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Hey.
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Hello.
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How are you?
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I, uh, sorry I'm late.
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Well that's O-- that's OK.
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Uh, you're Clark Rice, huh?
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I sure am.
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Are you, I'm, you sure.
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I'm, I'm sure I'm sure.
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I'm sure.
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OK.
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Well, uh, Corporal Rice, here's your prizes over here.
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Uh, this here's a free dinner at Lee Wong's Chinese restaurant
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and then here's a corsage for your date
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and then here's $10 in cash for the--
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10 bucks, hey.
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And a little warning from the MC.
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Watch it!
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I'll be watching.
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Well, uh, now, uh, the MC is gonna kiss
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the Bivouac Beauty real quick.
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Hey, they never did that before.
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Progress, buddy, progress.
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And don't let anybody interfere.
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Go ahead, Rob, get a good one.
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He's kind of good looking.
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Look, It's only one date.
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- Yeah. - Shall we?
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Excuse us. - Yeah, congratulations.
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[inaudible]
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Thank you very much.
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[music playing]
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Well, wasn't the general furious?
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Not after they got that tank out of his office.
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Oh, my.
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You know Clark, I really wasn't looking
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forward to tonight at all, but I had the best time.
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Thank you.
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Oh, and thank you for the prizes.
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Don't thank me.
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You shot them down.
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I'm scared of guns.
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Well, good night.
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Oh, no.
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You still owe me a dance.
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What dance?
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The one we were in the middle of when the won-ton soup came.
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Oh.
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Well Clark, we have a rule.
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Uh-uh, uh-uh.
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I'm not leaving until I get my dance.
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Well, I know it's silly but the rules are,
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no men allowed in the USO girls' sitting room after midnight.
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Oh, I'm sorry.
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Wouldn't want to break the rules.
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Now we have time.
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Uh, shall we?
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Well.
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[humming a song]
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Um, Clark?
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Mm-hmm.
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I, uh, have a boyfriend.
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Yeah, I know.
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Petrie, that's skinny MC.
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Well, no he's not skinny, he's wiry.
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Oh.
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If you were my girl, uh, I would have made
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you pull out of the contest.
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Oh well, you see, the contest was set before Rob
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and I started going together, so.
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Uh, actually how much together are you going?
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Well, Rob and I met and--
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well, of course you have to meet.
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And we, uh, well maybe he should have stopped this date,
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but Rob isn't the pushy type, so.
270
00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:17,984
- Am, am I? - Oh.
271
00:10:18,084 --> 00:10:18,918
Oh, no.
272
00:10:19,018 --> 00:10:20,386
No, I certainly didn't mean that.
273
00:10:20,486 --> 00:10:25,758
It just-- well you and Rob are two different people.
274
00:10:25,858 --> 00:10:27,026
You know, one thing I learned in law
275
00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:29,295
school is never to make a decision
276
00:10:29,395 --> 00:10:30,863
until you have all the evidence.
277
00:10:30,963 --> 00:10:32,198
You need more evidence.
278
00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:33,466
Evidence for what?
279
00:10:33,566 --> 00:10:34,900
For my case.
280
00:10:35,001 --> 00:10:37,436
Uh, you know the, uh, fortune cookie tonight said,
281
00:10:37,536 --> 00:10:39,405
a new person is coming into your life.
282
00:10:39,505 --> 00:10:40,740
Pay attention to him.
283
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:42,508
Yeah, but you made me go through 15 of them
284
00:10:42,608 --> 00:10:45,311
before we found one that said that.
285
00:10:45,411 --> 00:10:46,379
But we found it.
286
00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:47,380
Yeah.
287
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:52,618
Laura, may I see you again?
288
00:10:52,718 --> 00:10:56,756
Well, uh, gee.
289
00:10:56,856 --> 00:10:57,857
Clark, I don't know.
290
00:10:57,957 --> 00:10:58,791
You're not sure.
291
00:10:58,891 --> 00:11:00,059
Kind of confused.
292
00:11:00,159 --> 00:11:01,661
- Well, yeah. - Well, that's wonderful.
293
00:11:01,761 --> 00:11:02,862
If you're mixed up that means you'll see me again.
294
00:11:02,962 --> 00:11:04,530
Well no, I didn't say that.
295
00:11:04,630 --> 00:11:08,034
Laura is it fair to go on and maybe marry this Petrie guy
296
00:11:08,134 --> 00:11:10,269
and wonder for the rest of your life if he's the right one?
297
00:11:10,369 --> 00:11:12,605
Well no, I didn't say anything about marrying anybody.
298
00:11:12,705 --> 00:11:14,140
Well, that's great.
299
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:16,175
Then that means you're not that serious about each other.
300
00:11:16,275 --> 00:11:18,677
Well, yes we are.
301
00:11:18,778 --> 00:11:20,579
Well, I mean, maybe we are.
302
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,815
We're, you're confusing me.
303
00:11:22,915 --> 00:11:28,421
Laura, I, uh, I really would like to see you again.
304
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:30,556
May I?
305
00:11:30,656 --> 00:11:32,625
Well.
306
00:11:32,725 --> 00:11:35,494
Tomorrow?
307
00:11:35,594 --> 00:11:37,830
All right.
308
00:11:37,930 --> 00:11:39,999
[clock chimes]
309
00:11:40,733 --> 00:11:42,134
12 o'clock again.
310
00:11:44,670 --> 00:11:46,839
Time sure flies when you're having fun.
311
00:11:49,141 --> 00:11:52,578
Well, uh, Laura, I had a, I had a very good time.
312
00:11:52,678 --> 00:11:53,813
So did I.
313
00:11:53,913 --> 00:11:55,147
Uh, good night.
314
00:11:55,247 --> 00:11:56,182
Night.
315
00:11:59,351 --> 00:12:00,453
Uh, see you tomorrow.
316
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:01,353
Good night.
317
00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:02,388
Bye.
318
00:12:05,091 --> 00:12:06,625
Laura, did he almost kiss you?
319
00:12:06,725 --> 00:12:07,560
Worse.
320
00:12:07,660 --> 00:12:09,495
I almost kissed him.
321
00:12:09,595 --> 00:12:12,765
Ooo, can I have Rob?
322
00:12:12,865 --> 00:12:14,900
[music playing]
323
00:12:19,105 --> 00:12:21,740
You're sure that's the way you want to do it though, huh?
324
00:12:21,841 --> 00:12:24,043
Well Rob, I'm just not sure about anything.
325
00:12:24,143 --> 00:12:26,612
I, I just think it would be a good idea
326
00:12:26,712 --> 00:12:28,147
to go out with him a few more times
327
00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:31,450
to see how I feel about things.
328
00:12:31,550 --> 00:12:33,719
Well, you decided all this after just one date with him,
329
00:12:33,819 --> 00:12:34,854
right?
330
00:12:34,954 --> 00:12:36,088
No, that's just it.
331
00:12:36,188 --> 00:12:40,025
One date just didn't tell me anything.
332
00:12:40,126 --> 00:12:43,896
Well Laura, I, you know how I feel about you
333
00:12:43,996 --> 00:12:45,131
and I think if there's the slightest
334
00:12:45,231 --> 00:12:46,599
doubt in your mind about your feelings
335
00:12:46,699 --> 00:12:48,501
you should go out with him again.
336
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:49,969
Well, thank you, Rob.
337
00:12:50,069 --> 00:12:52,238
I think that's a wonderful attitude.
338
00:12:52,338 --> 00:12:53,572
Well, it's a wonderful attitude.
339
00:12:53,672 --> 00:12:56,108
I wish I had it.
340
00:12:56,208 --> 00:12:58,577
Now I'm gonna to tell you how I really feel.
341
00:12:58,677 --> 00:12:59,778
You know what I really think?
342
00:12:59,879 --> 00:13:00,846
The whole thing is wrong.
343
00:13:00,946 --> 00:13:02,448
100% wrong.
344
00:13:02,548 --> 00:13:04,350
Totally, absolutely wrong.
345
00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:05,384
Why?
346
00:13:05,484 --> 00:13:06,719
Why?
347
00:13:06,819 --> 00:13:08,287
You don't see why it's wrong?
348
00:13:08,387 --> 00:13:09,855
No, I don't.
349
00:13:09,955 --> 00:13:12,024
You mean you really don't see it?
350
00:13:12,124 --> 00:13:14,660
No, tell me what's so wrong.
351
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:16,128
If you don't see what's wrong, my telling
352
00:13:16,228 --> 00:13:19,765
you is certainly not gonna make you see what's wrong.
353
00:13:19,865 --> 00:13:20,933
I'll tell you what's wrong.
354
00:13:21,033 --> 00:13:25,137
The whole thing's, it's wrong.
355
00:13:25,237 --> 00:13:26,972
All right, I'll explain it again.
356
00:13:27,072 --> 00:13:32,077
The whole thing is wrong, and so is your clock.
357
00:13:34,547 --> 00:13:35,514
Clark set it back.
358
00:13:35,614 --> 00:13:38,050
Clark set it back?
359
00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:40,219
Well, it was after midnight, Rob and--
360
00:13:40,319 --> 00:13:41,620
He was in here after midnight?
361
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:43,989
A few minutes.
362
00:13:44,089 --> 00:13:45,858
That's the wrongest thing of all, honey.
363
00:13:45,958 --> 00:13:47,927
You can see what kind of a guy he is.
364
00:13:48,027 --> 00:13:49,161
What kind?
365
00:13:49,261 --> 00:13:50,362
Dishonest.
366
00:13:50,462 --> 00:13:51,330
Oh.
367
00:13:51,430 --> 00:13:52,798
Well after all, he knew exactly what
368
00:13:52,898 --> 00:13:54,200
the rules to that contest were.
369
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:56,202
He was to have you back here at midnight.
370
00:13:58,604 --> 00:14:00,606
I was a fool not to stop that whole Bivouac Baby
371
00:14:00,706 --> 00:14:02,474
thing before it even started.
372
00:14:02,575 --> 00:14:05,844
Rob, please, let's not argue any more.
373
00:14:05,945 --> 00:14:07,746
Oh, there's no argument at all.
374
00:14:07,846 --> 00:14:09,148
No argument.
375
00:14:09,248 --> 00:14:10,449
If you want to go out with him, go out with him.
376
00:14:10,549 --> 00:14:13,052
Marry him, get a couple of kids, get a dog.
377
00:14:13,152 --> 00:14:13,986
Oh.
378
00:14:14,086 --> 00:14:15,321
Just be really sure, that's all.
379
00:14:15,421 --> 00:14:17,156
But listen, I can play that little game too.
380
00:14:17,256 --> 00:14:18,490
There's a couple of girls in town
381
00:14:18,591 --> 00:14:20,526
that don't exactly think I'm Quasimodo, you know.
382
00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:26,865
Rob, your hat.
383
00:14:26,966 --> 00:14:28,300
I used to feel so sorry for those guys
384
00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:30,836
in the barracks that got the Dear John letters.
385
00:14:30,936 --> 00:14:33,672
Rob, this isn't a Dear John letter.
386
00:14:33,772 --> 00:14:34,740
No, it isn't, it's worse.
387
00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:36,175
It's a Dear John conversation.
388
00:14:36,275 --> 00:14:37,743
I can't even show it to the chaplain.
389
00:14:37,843 --> 00:14:39,111
Oh, Rob.
390
00:14:39,211 --> 00:14:42,181
I still feel just the same way about you.
391
00:14:42,281 --> 00:14:44,717
You feel the same way about everybody.
392
00:14:44,817 --> 00:14:46,452
I'll see you.
393
00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:48,087
What about our date?
394
00:14:48,187 --> 00:14:50,055
Oh, you still want to go out with me, huh?
395
00:14:50,155 --> 00:14:51,790
Well, of course I do, Rob.
396
00:14:51,890 --> 00:14:52,825
That's the whole idea.
397
00:14:52,925 --> 00:14:54,593
I wanna go out with both of you.
398
00:14:54,693 --> 00:14:55,828
Wonderful.
399
00:14:55,928 --> 00:14:57,896
Why don't we stop by and pick him up?
400
00:14:57,997 --> 00:15:00,099
[music playing]
401
00:15:00,899 --> 00:15:02,935
Millie, what am I gonna do?
402
00:15:03,035 --> 00:15:04,103
Hey, I got it.
403
00:15:04,203 --> 00:15:05,838
We're gonna solve your problem.
404
00:15:05,938 --> 00:15:06,906
How?
405
00:15:07,006 --> 00:15:08,574
Practically and scientifically.
406
00:15:08,674 --> 00:15:10,175
Lists always work.
407
00:15:10,276 --> 00:15:13,145
We're gonna list Rob and Clark and put down
408
00:15:13,245 --> 00:15:14,647
all the good and bad things about them
409
00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:16,248
and score them by points.
410
00:15:16,348 --> 00:15:17,816
I know it sounds a little cold.
411
00:15:17,916 --> 00:15:19,118
It's silly.
412
00:15:19,218 --> 00:15:20,653
Yeah, well sitting around being aggravated
413
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:23,022
for a whole week is silly.
414
00:15:23,122 --> 00:15:27,326
Let's see, uh, Clark is handsome, boy that's for sure.
415
00:15:27,426 --> 00:15:28,460
And Rob is cute.
416
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:29,528
Very cute.
417
00:15:29,628 --> 00:15:33,065
We'll give Clark 10 points for handsome
418
00:15:33,165 --> 00:15:35,834
and Rob gets 6 for cute.
419
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:37,369
I said very cute.
420
00:15:37,469 --> 00:15:40,172
OK, we'll give him seven points.
421
00:15:40,272 --> 00:15:42,174
Now let's rate them on kissing.
422
00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:42,908
Millie!
423
00:15:43,008 --> 00:15:44,109
What's the matter?
424
00:15:44,209 --> 00:15:46,478
You can't categorize intimate things.
425
00:15:46,578 --> 00:15:47,446
Who says?
426
00:15:47,546 --> 00:15:48,847
Boy, are you a prude.
427
00:15:48,947 --> 00:15:49,982
Quit.
428
00:15:50,082 --> 00:15:51,583
OK, now what are their ambitions?
429
00:15:51,684 --> 00:15:52,651
Oh Millie, it's so silly.
430
00:15:52,751 --> 00:15:54,620
What are their ambitions?
431
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,322
Clark wants to be a lawyer.
432
00:15:56,422 --> 00:15:58,824
Ooo, a lawyer, that's very good.
433
00:15:58,924 --> 00:16:01,327
That's another 10 points.
434
00:16:01,427 --> 00:16:04,096
And Rob wants to be a comedy writer, which no one knows how
435
00:16:04,196 --> 00:16:05,964
to be one so he'll be struggling and starving
436
00:16:06,065 --> 00:16:07,032
and probably never make it.
437
00:16:07,132 --> 00:16:09,968
So we'll give him one point.
438
00:16:10,069 --> 00:16:12,338
Millie, you're pushing Clark.
439
00:16:12,438 --> 00:16:13,839
I am not.
440
00:16:13,939 --> 00:16:15,607
Well, the score is 20 to 8 in his favor.
441
00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:17,443
You know, I didn't make these numbers up.
442
00:16:17,543 --> 00:16:19,244
Yes, you did.
443
00:16:19,345 --> 00:16:20,946
Yeah, I guess I did.
444
00:16:21,046 --> 00:16:24,083
Well, they're still logical.
445
00:16:24,183 --> 00:16:27,920
Millie, you can draw a heart with pencil and paper
446
00:16:28,020 --> 00:16:30,089
but you can't measure one.
447
00:16:30,189 --> 00:16:32,191
Ooo, that's poetic.
448
00:16:32,291 --> 00:16:34,193
Rob wrote that to me in a letter once.
449
00:16:34,293 --> 00:16:37,229
Let's give him another point.
450
00:16:37,329 --> 00:16:40,032
Millie, this isn't gonna tell me anything.
451
00:16:40,132 --> 00:16:41,333
Yeah, I guess you're right.
452
00:16:41,433 --> 00:16:43,802
You'll figure it out for yourself.
453
00:16:43,902 --> 00:16:45,037
I don't know how I can help you.
454
00:16:45,137 --> 00:16:47,005
I can't even keep one boyfriend.
455
00:16:47,106 --> 00:16:49,708
Boy, I wish I was built.
456
00:16:49,808 --> 00:16:51,777
[music playing]
457
00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:07,826
Oh hi, Sam.
458
00:17:07,926 --> 00:17:08,727
What did I do?
459
00:17:08,827 --> 00:17:09,862
Nothing, nothing.
460
00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:11,330
You're just not Laura, that's all.
461
00:17:11,430 --> 00:17:13,932
That's what everybody says.
462
00:17:14,032 --> 00:17:15,501
Hey, come on, Rob.
463
00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:18,604
Look, maybe Laura got delayed because of the rain or, uh--
464
00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:19,805
Or what?
465
00:17:19,905 --> 00:17:21,607
I don't know.
466
00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:22,508
Come on, Sam.
467
00:17:22,608 --> 00:17:23,642
You know something?
468
00:17:23,742 --> 00:17:25,778
No Rob, I don't know nothing except the guys
469
00:17:25,878 --> 00:17:29,648
are getting a little impatient with the pictures.
470
00:17:29,748 --> 00:17:31,717
Well, where does Laura get off thinking she can hold
471
00:17:31,817 --> 00:17:33,619
up the whole darn army camp?
472
00:17:36,255 --> 00:17:37,423
[movie music playing]
473
00:17:37,523 --> 00:17:38,824
You don't want to listen to this do you?
474
00:17:38,924 --> 00:17:42,061
No, I must have seen this picture a hundred times.
475
00:17:42,161 --> 00:17:43,629
The only scene I liked is where all
476
00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:46,965
the prisoners bang their cups because of the rotten food.
477
00:17:47,065 --> 00:17:48,567
You think that would work in our mess hall?
478
00:17:48,667 --> 00:17:49,668
I don't know.
479
00:17:49,768 --> 00:17:51,370
All I know is Laura is supposed to be here.
480
00:17:56,241 --> 00:17:58,744
Gee, you're really letting this thing get to you.
481
00:17:58,844 --> 00:17:59,812
Yeah.
482
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,113
Boy, you aren't kidding.
483
00:18:01,213 --> 00:18:03,081
Last night I ran a whole reel backwards.
484
00:18:03,182 --> 00:18:05,083
The first time in history of movies a guy
485
00:18:05,184 --> 00:18:06,752
got up out of the electric chair.
486
00:18:10,122 --> 00:18:12,591
Hey, that was a good one.
487
00:18:12,691 --> 00:18:13,692
It's not really funny.
488
00:18:13,792 --> 00:18:15,294
They shouldn't allow a lovesick soldier
489
00:18:15,394 --> 00:18:17,996
with a loaded projector.
490
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:19,531
- Hi. - Hey, hey!
491
00:18:19,631 --> 00:18:20,466
There she is.
492
00:18:20,566 --> 00:18:21,200
Hi, Laura.
493
00:18:21,300 --> 00:18:22,334
Hey, see you later, Rob.
494
00:18:22,434 --> 00:18:24,036
I was just saving your seat.
495
00:18:24,136 --> 00:18:27,005
That's a sweetheart.
496
00:18:27,105 --> 00:18:28,407
Sorry, I'm late.
497
00:18:28,507 --> 00:18:30,042
That's OK, Laura, gave me a little time to think
498
00:18:30,142 --> 00:18:31,710
about what I gotta say to you.
499
00:18:31,810 --> 00:18:33,045
Sit down, will you.
500
00:18:33,145 --> 00:18:35,180
Actually, Rob, I can only stay a few minutes.
501
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:36,715
I have to see Clark.
502
00:18:36,815 --> 00:18:37,850
Clark?
503
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:39,184
You went out with him last night.
504
00:18:39,284 --> 00:18:41,153
I know, Rob, but this is something special.
505
00:18:41,253 --> 00:18:42,621
Clark's going overseas.
506
00:18:42,721 --> 00:18:43,655
He is?
507
00:18:43,755 --> 00:18:45,858
Yeah, and since it is his last night,
508
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:47,526
I thought I ought to see him.
509
00:18:47,626 --> 00:18:50,262
Laura, I'm all through being understanding.
510
00:18:50,362 --> 00:18:51,897
I don't want to compete with Clark anymore.
511
00:18:51,997 --> 00:18:52,965
That's what I wanted to tell you.
512
00:18:53,065 --> 00:18:54,233
It's got to be him or me.
513
00:18:54,333 --> 00:18:56,368
But Rob, I have to say goodbye to him.
514
00:18:56,468 --> 00:18:57,736
Sure.
515
00:18:57,836 --> 00:19:00,405
He gets a chance to make a great big dramatic farewell to you
516
00:19:00,506 --> 00:19:02,074
and he goes flying off into the yonder
517
00:19:02,174 --> 00:19:03,675
and you're still here in the same condition
518
00:19:03,775 --> 00:19:05,844
you are now, undecided.
519
00:19:05,944 --> 00:19:06,912
You gotta make up your mind.
520
00:19:07,012 --> 00:19:07,880
Now's the time.
521
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:11,216
Rob, he's going overseas.
522
00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:14,319
All right, you can tell him goodbye.
523
00:19:14,419 --> 00:19:16,889
You've got exactly five minutes.
524
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,023
Five minutes?
525
00:19:18,123 --> 00:19:19,591
That's right.
526
00:19:19,691 --> 00:19:21,960
The warden is on the wall right now talking to the convicts.
527
00:19:22,060 --> 00:19:23,495
Now, if you're not back by the time
528
00:19:23,595 --> 00:19:28,000
the convicts grab the priest you can forget about me.
529
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:30,335
Robert Petrie!
530
00:19:30,435 --> 00:19:31,703
That comes on at 8:40.
531
00:19:40,379 --> 00:19:43,015
She'll be back.
532
00:19:43,115 --> 00:19:44,583
They always come back.
533
00:19:47,386 --> 00:19:48,820
No, they don't.
534
00:19:48,921 --> 00:19:49,821
Margie didn't.
535
00:19:52,958 --> 00:19:55,694
Maybe I ought to run after.
536
00:19:55,794 --> 00:19:56,662
No.
537
00:19:56,762 --> 00:19:57,629
Oh, no.
538
00:19:57,729 --> 00:19:58,697
I'm not running.
539
00:19:58,797 --> 00:19:59,731
She'll be back.
540
00:20:07,272 --> 00:20:08,774
Millie, what are you doing here?
541
00:20:08,874 --> 00:20:11,143
I forget.
542
00:20:11,243 --> 00:20:13,812
Ooo, I didn't give you enough points.
543
00:20:16,348 --> 00:20:18,150
Never mind.
544
00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:19,384
Laura isn't here is she?
545
00:20:19,484 --> 00:20:21,086
- No. - Goodbye.
546
00:20:21,186 --> 00:20:22,321
Uh, goodbye.
547
00:20:24,856 --> 00:20:26,692
And thanks.
548
00:20:26,792 --> 00:20:28,760
[music playing]
549
00:20:35,100 --> 00:20:36,435
Laura, where have you been?
550
00:20:36,535 --> 00:20:38,604
You were gone so long I sent Millie to look for you.
551
00:20:38,704 --> 00:20:41,940
Well, I, I went to see Rob.
552
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:44,843
What's the matter?
553
00:20:44,943 --> 00:20:46,411
He gave me an ultimatum.
554
00:20:46,511 --> 00:20:50,148
He told me to say goodbye to you and be back by 8:40.
555
00:20:50,248 --> 00:20:51,416
It's 8:36 now.
556
00:20:51,516 --> 00:20:54,152
I couldn't get back even if I wanted to.
557
00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:55,187
You don't want to, do you?
558
00:20:55,287 --> 00:20:56,521
Of course not.
559
00:20:56,622 --> 00:21:00,626
Rob Petrie can't give me ultimatums.
560
00:21:00,726 --> 00:21:03,128
CLARK: Laura--
561
00:21:03,228 --> 00:21:04,096
Rob!
562
00:21:04,196 --> 00:21:05,330
Petrie!
563
00:21:05,430 --> 00:21:06,632
What are you doing here?
564
00:21:06,732 --> 00:21:08,800
Well, Rice here is going overseas.
565
00:21:08,900 --> 00:21:11,603
It was unfair of me to give you five minutes to say goodbye.
566
00:21:11,703 --> 00:21:13,171
Well, that's nice of you Petrie.
567
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:15,741
I'll give you till the time Big Al gives the priest back
568
00:21:15,841 --> 00:21:16,775
to the governor.
569
00:21:19,544 --> 00:21:21,413
That's 9 minutes from when I left or, or four
570
00:21:21,513 --> 00:21:24,049
minutes from right now.
571
00:21:24,149 --> 00:21:25,083
I gotta get back.
572
00:21:28,220 --> 00:21:29,154
What was that all about?
573
00:21:29,254 --> 00:21:32,691
Oh, just more of Rob's--
574
00:21:32,791 --> 00:21:35,160
Clark, let's go somewhere and find a place
575
00:21:35,260 --> 00:21:36,294
where there's a lot of loud music--
576
00:21:36,395 --> 00:21:37,396
- Laura. - --and fun.
577
00:21:37,496 --> 00:21:38,497
Lots of fun. - Laura, sit down.
578
00:21:38,597 --> 00:21:39,998
No, I want to, Clark.
579
00:21:40,098 --> 00:21:42,100
Look, I don't want to be used to spite someone else.
580
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:43,201
That's what you're doing isn't it?
581
00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:44,136
No, it isn't.
582
00:21:44,236 --> 00:21:45,203
Then why the sniffles?
583
00:21:45,303 --> 00:21:46,238
It's the rain.
584
00:21:46,338 --> 00:21:47,272
You sure it's not Petrie?
585
00:21:47,372 --> 00:21:48,407
Well, what's the difference?
586
00:21:48,507 --> 00:21:52,444
Rain, Rob, they're both big drips.
587
00:21:52,544 --> 00:21:54,579
That was a pretty crazy thing he did, running in here
588
00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:56,081
and spouting off about the governor.
589
00:22:05,557 --> 00:22:07,926
What's with that guy?
590
00:22:08,026 --> 00:22:10,429
I don't know.
591
00:22:10,529 --> 00:22:13,231
I don't know and I don't care.
592
00:22:13,331 --> 00:22:15,734
I never could figure him out.
593
00:22:15,834 --> 00:22:20,105
Sometimes he seems so, and then the other
594
00:22:20,205 --> 00:22:22,507
times he just doesn't.
595
00:22:22,607 --> 00:22:27,345
Once he even, and for no reason, and what was I doing.
596
00:22:27,446 --> 00:22:30,248
Did I ever tell you he broke my foot?
597
00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:31,183
Well, he did.
598
00:22:31,283 --> 00:22:32,918
He broke my foot.
599
00:22:33,018 --> 00:22:37,222
You see, Rob's the kind of a guy who, I mean,
600
00:22:37,322 --> 00:22:39,458
I always felt that if I ever, he'd
601
00:22:39,558 --> 00:22:43,628
be the last because well, you, you're so,
602
00:22:43,729 --> 00:22:47,099
and, but I don't know why, Clark.
603
00:22:47,199 --> 00:22:48,100
I do though.
604
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,068
I really do.
605
00:22:50,168 --> 00:22:53,171
He's just so ador-, so ador--
606
00:22:53,271 --> 00:22:54,506
Adorable?
607
00:22:54,606 --> 00:22:56,708
You see it too, don't you.
608
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:03,348
You're in love with Petrie.
609
00:23:03,448 --> 00:23:04,850
Oh, thank you, Clark.
610
00:23:04,950 --> 00:23:07,319
Don't thank me.
611
00:23:07,419 --> 00:23:09,955
I'm sorry.
612
00:23:10,055 --> 00:23:11,957
Yeah, so am I, Laura.
613
00:23:12,057 --> 00:23:14,659
You know if you, uh, set the hands on your watch
614
00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:18,497
back you could pretend to get to Rob on time.
615
00:23:18,597 --> 00:23:21,233
Thank you.
616
00:23:21,333 --> 00:23:24,503
Oh, and if any new evidence comes up I'll be waiting.
617
00:23:36,148 --> 00:23:37,048
Laura!
618
00:23:40,318 --> 00:23:43,221
Boy, she better marry somebody before I get into trouble.
619
00:23:47,225 --> 00:23:49,628
MAN 1 (VOICEOVER ON TV): Men, this the governor speaking.
620
00:23:49,728 --> 00:23:52,397
Release Father Quinn and I promise you'll get better food.
621
00:23:52,497 --> 00:23:53,665
MAN 2 (VOICEOVER ON TV): No, sir.
622
00:23:53,765 --> 00:23:55,233
You want us, you got to come and get us.
623
00:23:55,333 --> 00:23:57,969
MAN 1 (VOICEOVER ON TV): All right, gentlemen, open fire.
624
00:23:58,069 --> 00:24:00,672
[explosions]
625
00:24:04,476 --> 00:24:06,645
[music playing]
626
00:24:07,446 --> 00:24:09,147
What were you thinking?
627
00:24:09,247 --> 00:24:10,081
Oh, nothing special.
628
00:24:10,182 --> 00:24:10,982
How about you?
629
00:24:11,082 --> 00:24:12,017
Nothing.
630
00:24:17,722 --> 00:24:19,191
Good night, sweetheart.
631
00:24:19,291 --> 00:24:20,192
Goodnight.
632
00:24:25,697 --> 00:24:27,032
Did you set the alarm, Clark?
633
00:24:27,132 --> 00:24:28,033
Yeah.
634
00:24:32,504 --> 00:24:33,638
Honey, did you just say--
635
00:24:33,738 --> 00:24:35,006
Clock, I said clock.
636
00:24:41,780 --> 00:24:46,852
[THEME MUSIC - EARLE HAGEN, "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW THEME"]
42939
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