All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s02e32

ANNOUNCER: The Dick Van Dyke Show.

Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthew, and Mary Tyler Moore.

UNCLE SPUNKY (ON TV): Now, all together gang, what does Uncle

Spunky's favorite candy bar?

Crummy buttons.

UNCLE SPUNKY (ON TV): That's right, crammy buttons.

The candy that looks like a button and tastes

like a crumb cake.

Now boys and girls, Uncle Spunky is

going to make believe he's a bowling pin and you

have to pretend with me, OK?

OK.

UNCLE SPUNKY (ON TV): All right now, I'm a bowling pin

and I'm standing down at the end of the alley and here comes

that bowling ball right at me.

I hope it misses me.

Oh, it missed me.

Boy, is that bowler mad.

Oh, he's picking up the ball again.

Here it comes.

Oh, everything is going black.

OK Rich.

Come on dear, it's time for bed.

Oh gosh, mom not now.

Uncle Spunky's pretending he's a bowling pin.

Well, all right.

You can watch it just till he gets knocked down.

UNCLE SPUNKY (ON TV): Oh if I knew he was this good

a bowler I wouldn't have worn my open toed shoes.

Just what I always wanted, flat bunions.

Well gang, did you like that?

Yes.

UNCLE SPUNKY (ON TV): Well gang I see by the little old clock

that it's hard to say good night.

So let's all join in for the Uncle

Spunky oath of allegiance.

Ready?

Ready.

UNCLE SPUNKY (ON TV): Then let's go.

BOTH: For crummy buttons I'll be good.

I'll keep my hands really clean.

And if in store they don't have anymore,

I promise to make a big scene.

OK Rich.

Now, if you get into bed in two minutes,

I'll buy a big box of crummy buttons tomorrow.

Yuck.

Daddy, daddy.

Hi, son.

Did you bring me anything?

Yeah, I bought you box of crummy buttons.

Thanks.

Don't eat them in bed, Rich.

Hi, Rob.

Oh, hi honey.

It's come to this, huh?

I'm sorry.

Oh boy that is an absentmindedness.

Kiss the neighbors, shake hands with your wife.

Did you kiss our neighbor?

I hope not.

No, I didn't.

What's the matter, darling?

Did you have a rough day?

How did you guess that?

Well, what happened?

Nothing happened, that's what happened.

Buddy and Sally and I sat around staring

at each other for eight hours.

Alan Brady is in there screaming, "where's my comedy

sketch for this week?"

Couldn't tell him there was nothing left to right about.

There just aren't any new comedy ideas.

Well, darling if writing were any easier,

they'd probably pay you less for doing it.

I'll go get dinner.

Is that a new outfit?

I thought you'd never notice.

Hey darling, I wish I could help you with an idea.

You could.

How?

Put on something sloppy.

How's that going to help?

Well, then at least I'll be able to get

my full attention to the show.

I think I married a wolf.

I told you that.

Daddy, daddy.

Yeah, Rich.

Will you read me a story?

Oh no, not tonight Rich.

Daddy's too tired.

Why are you so tired, daddy?

Well, daddy's tired because he's been trying to think

of a funny idea all day.

If I help you think of a funny idea, will you read me a story?

If you help me think of a funny idea

I'll read you two stories and buy

you a carton of crummy buttons.

Yuck.

Can you read "Tell-tale Heart" and "Raven"?

No more "Tell-tale Heart" and no more "Raven".

I don't want any more nightmares.

But daddy, I didn't get nightmares the last time.

Oh, please daddy.

I'll tell you what's funny.

OK, you tell me what's funny.

A bowling pin.

A bowling pin?

What's so funny about a bowling pin?

What if this bowling pin talked?

A talking bowling pin.

Yeah.

And it's scared of being hit.

And the pin tells how it feels when the ball's coming at it.

A talking bowling pin.

Hey, that's not a bad idea.

It's a great idea, daddy.

And Alan Brady looks like a bowling pin.

He does kind of, doesn't he?

A talking bowling pin, that's pretty good.

Hey, why didn't I think of that?

You got home too late.

I think you just saved your daddy your whole night's work

here.

Aren't you going to give me something?

Well, you really want a couple of Edgar Allen Poe stories?

No, I'd rather get a nickel.

A nickel?

Don't you get paid for ideas, daddy?

Oh yeah, I guess I do, OK.

Just don't tell the Writer's Guild.

I won't.

Good night, daddy.

Good night, Rich.

Here, let me help you with your fricassee, my little chicken.

What happened to the old stone face?

Well, honey you don't have to change your outfit after all.

You mean I'm no longer distracting?

Oh yes, very.

But you can distract me all you want because our son just

cleared my head.

How?

He gave me an idea for this week's show.

What was the idea?

Honey, you know I don't bring office problems home with me.

Oh darn.

I was going to call you and ask you to bring dessert home.

Now we have nothing.

That's all right, honey.

We can have some crummy buttons.

Yuck.

Yuck.

Two days we've been trying to, but we can't

come up with a comedy idea.

I know what we need.

I know what we need.

You know what we need?

Hey Buddy, you know I got a hunch

Alan hasn't been too happy with our scripts

the last few months.

Come on, he loved them.

Yeah.

So how come he sent us a Christmas card saying,

"a gift in your name has been sent

to the Red Skelton writers"?

It's just a gag.

He's spreading a little holiday fear.

Um, are there any good holidays coming up?

Hey, does President McKinley's birthday do anything for you?

Not doing too much for McKinley.

Hey, how about if we do a bit--

We did it. We did it.

Good morning Sally.

Good morning Buddy.

Where did that thing come from?

I got it from the last show.

How do you like it, huh?

Buddy thought you'd like it.

I love it.

What a magnificent day it is to be alive.

Sally, I think we got the wrong calendar.

Better check the date, dear.

Hey Rob, we got a sketch due.

Now don't crack up on us.

There is nothing to worry about, kids.

I have got an idea.

Alan Brady will play the part of a talking bowling pin.

Hey, what an idea.

Better get back to McKinley.

Hey guys, this will be great.

It's a natural.

A talking bowling pin.

Look, you take this down.

OK. Start being brilliant.

OK.

I'm a bowling pin, see? The center one.

The hardest one to hit. - Yeah.

OK.

All right.

How about your head there?

Huh?

Make your head, uh, you know--

Oh, thinner?

Thinner, yeah.

All right, OK.

All right everybody line up.

Line up there man.

Number seven pin, that's right.

Oh boy, I sure hope they have automatic pin spotters in here.

Those boys have such cold hands.

Go, go, go.

OK, boy, boy, what a day it's been.

I've been up and down more often than the stock market.

A yo-yo.

Oh, good, yo-yo.

What a day, I've been up or down more often than a yo-yo.

Very good.

OK, here comes the first ball.

Look at the hook on that one.

Oh, just missed me.

The whole right flank.

OK, oh, look at the forearm on this woman.

It's a bouncer.

Lanes two, three, and four.

Lanes four, three, two, one.

Into the coffee shop.

The coffee shop.

And it's going to be a strike but not in this way.

Good, good, keep going.

Oh, here comes another one.

It's a gutter ball. No it's a leaner.

Look out.

That's it.

Hey, you know what we do?

Good, good.

We paint a big number one on your chest.

- Oh, great. - Yeah.

How about we get a red tie, you know like the ring

around the bowling pin.

[crosstalk] All Rob, this is a beauty.

How do you like that?

All week long we work our brains to the bone and nothing.

All of a sudden you come in with one little idea like that

and it practically writes itself.

Oh, you're right.

You never know where an idea is coming from.

Like last night I was just talking to Ritchie--

Oh, what's the difference where it comes from.

Just as long as you didn't steal it, who cares?

Hey, Rob?

Hey Rob?

What?

What?

Rob, this is a beaut and it's mostly yours.

That's not right.

We're a team.

We all did it together, Sal.

The idea could have come from any one of us, Rob.

You know what they say about the unconscious mind,

how it picks up what it hears?

Well, if anybody's an expert on the unconscious,

shake hands with Dr. Freud.

Well, look who's here.

The cheerleader for an embalmer's picnic.

Good morning, Mel.

Good morning, Rob.

Morning, Sally, and it.

Well, I presume from all this joviality

that you've written a sketch.

Yes sir, you may.

Oh, I know it's a beauty.

Well it better be.

Alan's been screaming for it all day.

I'll take it to my office.

OK.

Who's going to read it to you, fatso?

Buddy, will you knock it off?

Oh, that's all right Rob.

Everything he says to me goes in one ear and out the other.

And there's nothing in between to stop it.

That just made it more difficult for me to like this.

Well, what looks good in the kitchen today, Willie?

The chef.

He just took a bath.

OK.

What's fresh besides you?

Donuts, cupcakes, and danish.

Oh, I think I'll have a donut.

Then I'm sorry you have to take all three.

It's a matched set.

What are you doing?

Please just be a customer.

All right then, how about sandwiches today?

I don't know.

I don't talk to them.

They don't talk to me.

Just order one.

You'll hear from it all day.

I don't like you.

You I like. You I like.

Willie, will you give me a beef sandwich?

Ground, chopped, or chipped?

Don't you have anything that requires chewing?

Only the cottage cheese.

Then give me a cheese sandwich.

Cheese sandwich, you got it.

Here's one cheese sandwich.

You know, I think I'm going to become a comedy writer.

Sit around all day like you guys laugh at each other.

It's not that easy, Willie.

It took us all week just to get one idea.

I could be a writer.

I could lie on a couch and insult people

as well as he can.

Better.

I like you.

Why is it every place I go I always run into you?

Kismet.

Rob, I thought you'd like to know I loved your sketch

and I sent it over to Alan's house.

Oh, thanks Mel.

I hope he likes it as well.

Oh, I'm sure he will.

Now, as far as I'm concerned, you can all take

an extra half hour for lunch.

Yay.

Imagine, a talking bowling pin.

What an idea.

A talking bowling pin?

Yeah, great idea?

Genius.

Big genius.

Talking bowling pin.

It's your turn today. - I know.

I know. Here, keep the change.

Of course.

Talking bowling pin.

Who--

I suppose you could have done as good.

Look, anybody can be a genius if all it takes is stealing.

ALL: Stealing?

All you've got to do is watch the "Uncle Spunky" show.

The "Uncle Spunky" show, what are you talking about?

Look, if I were you, I wouldn't say

anything until I saw my lawyer.

Oh, are you trying to tell us we stole that

from the "Uncle Spunky" show?

That's close enough.

Willie, that's impossible.

We wrote it right here no more than an hour ago.

All by ourselves.

Oh yeah?

Just a minute.

This is about a talking bowling pin, right?

Standing at the end of the alley and people

are rolling balls at him?

And he says, "oh boy, that pin boy's got cold hands.

I should have worn my opened toed shoes Lines like that?

Oh boy.

Hey, how come we missed the one about the open toe shoes?

You didn't get that one?

What kind of crooks are you?

If you're going to steal, steal.

Hey Rob, did you really steal that bit?

No I didn't steal it.

I bought it for a nickel.

I mean, Ritchie gave it to me.

Oh Rob, what are you trying to do?

Frame your own son?

That is what happened.

He was trying to help me and it sounded like a good idea.

Gee, we're stealing from Uncle Spunky, a kid's show.

I didn't steal it, Ritchie did.

I was just the fence.

Why did it have to be Uncle Spunky?

The suer.

What do you mean the suer?

He sues everybody for anything.

That guy makes more money suing than he does performing.

Is that thee Spunky?

That's him.

Oh boy.

Yeah, maybe Alan hasn't read it yet.

Let's hope so.

I'm calling him at home right now.

Let's not worry yet.

Maybe he read it and hated the whole idea.

Sure.

How good could it be if he stole it from Uncle Spunky?

Alan, this is Rob.

Well, listen we were just out here talking about the bit.

ALAN (ON PHONE): That bit was sensational.

That much, huh?

Oh wonderful.

I'm glad to-- no, nothing important, Alan.

You really like it, huh?

Oh that's wonderful.

Thanks a lot, Alan.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Apparently even the punctuation struck him funny.

Oh God, if Alan does that bowling pin routine,

Uncle Spunky's going to sue him.

I know. I know.

So why didn't you tell him?

I'm going to tell him, first thing tomorrow.

Well, why wait till tomorrow?

Because that way we'll all get an extra day's pay

before we're fired.

Listen, do you think maybe we all let Alan go ahead

and do it and just hope that Spunky doesn't sue?

Not a chance.

Well, once Uncle Spunky knows it's Alan Brady,

he'll sue for twice the money and five times the publicity.

Oh, don't worry about it.

He'll sue.

What are you doing, Sal?

Watching myself starve to death.

Well, Alan is not going to be too thrilled about being

called a criminal in public.

And private.

Marge, would you ask Mr Cooney to step in here just a minute,

please.

Oh, OK thanks.

Mel's on his way in here, we might

as well start by telling him.

Rob, Sally, and it.

Alan is so pleased with the bowling pin sketch

that he asked me to give you these cuff links

as a token of his appreciation.

Oh boy, cuff links.

I've always wanted to get my wrist pierced.

You got perfume.

Mel, listen here's something you've

got to know about that sketch.

Mel it isn't ours, we stole it.

You stole a piece of material?

You're joking, Rob.

Rob, you're joking.

That isn't funny.

I've got to take a pill, somebody

get me a glass of water.

Now tell me-- tell me you didn't steal

it, tell me you're joking.

Well, actually Mel, we didn't actually steal it--

Oh, that's better.

It's just that Uncle Spunky had it on the air

before we of it.

You did steal it.

Kind of a roundabout way, yeah.

Uncle Spunky, the suer.

Oh why did you have to steal from his show?

There aren't too many funny bits we can

lift from the telephone hour.

How-- how terribly embarrassing.

Stealing a sketch from a local kid show.

I'm going to tell Alan.

Good.

That you want to see him.

No good.

(SINGING) Beautiful dreamer, wake unto me.

[humming]

[knock on door]

Come in.

(SINGING) Beautiful dreamer, wake unto me.

Hi, Alan.

Hi, Rob.

The fellows with you?

Yeah, the fellows are here.

Sorry, Sally.

I got to wear a darker lipstick.

Well, what's on your mind, as if I don't know?

Well, do you know why we're here?

Did Mel tell you?

No, didn't tell him.

You don't have to tell me.

You want a raise, right?

You just saying how much and I'll say no sir.

As a matter of fact Alan, we didn't

come to talk about the money.

That's the kind of money talk I like.

Now what is it then?

Well, we talked it over and we feel that, we sort of--

Yeah, it was a unanimous opinion that we--

Sally's right.

We took a vote.

Yeah, we took a vote.

Yeah, we, we--

We, we, we, we, we, what?

Shorter hours?

Longer lunches?

More parties?

Cloth towels in the washrooms, what?

No, nothing like that, Alan.

Cloth towels would be nice.

I'd kind of go for more parties.

You've got it.

The parties?

The cloth towels.

Also, Alan, we think that you ought

to cut that bowling pin sketch.

Cut the-- you want to cut the bowling pin sketch?

Mel, have they got enough air down in that office?

They have air conditioner in there--

- Shut up. - Yes, sir.

The bowling pin sketch.

What do you want to cut that for?

It's much too long.

What do you mean it's too long--

Thank God.

Would you let go of my nose, please.

The whole sketch only takes 3 and 1/2 minutes.

How much you want to cut?

About 3 and 1/2 minutes.

Rob, what ares you saying?

You're trying to tell me the sketch isn't hilarious.

No, no, it is funny.

It's wonderful.

But Alan, did you ever stop to think that maybe that sketch is

just funny to us?

Rob, there are 20 million bowlers this country.

Right.

Why offend a minority that big?

Rob, what is this about?

Is this a practical joke or something?

Alan, I wouldn't call plagiarism a joke.

Plagiarism?

Who's plagiarizing anything here?

You are, Alan. You see--

- Will you shut up? - Yes, sir.

Did you steal the sketch?

Yeah and we want to tell you about it

Alan, so you wouldn't be sued.

Well, that's very decent of you.

How did you happen to steal it?

Well, I didn't.

You see, my son Ritchie--

You son?

That's the ugliest cop-out I ever heard.

No, no, I mean my son Ritchie saw it on the Uncle Spunky show

and told me about it. I thought it was original.

Yeah, I did too.

We all thought it was original.

I read it first and--

Will you shut up, Mel?

Yes sir.

Well, have you guys got any suggestions?

How about if you fire me?

Alan, why don't you call Spunky and offer

to buy the material from him?

Why don't you shut up and hand me the phone?

Marge, get me Uncle Spunky.

Well, why didn't I think of that.

Spunky, Uncle Spunky, who's his sponsor?

Uh, crummy buttons.

Yuck.

Uncle Spunky?

Uncle Spunky?

Oh yeah, this is Alan Brady.

Yes, the Alan Brady.

Will you go comb my other hair.

Listen Spunky, now I know that nobody really likes to be sued.

Well, I'd do anything to avoid a lawsuit, you know that.

Hey, what's he doing?

He's talking on the telephone.

No.

What do you mean what am I talking about?

Unless you promise never to do that bowling pin routine again,

I'm going to sue you.

Sue Uncle Spunky?

Figures the best defense is an offense.

You've been doing the bowling pin sketch for three years?

Where did you get the sketch?

I thought so.

Now, would you like to find out how far back

the bowling pin routine goes?

Well, on the mountain resorts of New York

State in the summer of 1939, a young comedian

did a bowling pin act.

Aha, which he wrote and which he performed over 1,000 times.

I don't have to tell you who that young comedy was,

do I Spunky?

No, no Spunky, there's not going to be any lawsuit.

Just in the future if you want to do somebody else's material,

you want to get permission first.

No, I'm not mad.

These things happen, I understand that.

Now to show you there's no hard feelings.

After I performed the bit tonight, you can have it.

Yes.

Now just a minute Spunky, what is it?

Why don't you offer to go on his show as a guest star

for free. - Why?

Well, to show you're a nice guy.

And to ease my conscience.

Spunky, how'd you like me to be a guest star

on your show for free?

Yeah, well just to show you that gentlemen can act

like gentlemen.

No, don't get emotional.

Oh, for the whole staff?

I'll tell them.

He wants each and every one of you

to have a complementary carton of rummy buttons.

ALL: Yuck.

Spunky, they're absolutely delighted.

Yeah well, that's all right.

So long, Spunky.

Alan, you didn't do a bowling pin in '39, did you?

Oh yes he did it, if Alan said--

I'll, shut up, Alan.

I didn't say I did.

I just said some young comedian.

There must be some young comedian someplace who did it.

If he wants to find out, let him look.

Well, you look at the time.

Everybody follow me to rehearsal hall, you'll finish me there.

Mel, get the rest of my hair.

You know something, Rob?

I think you goofed.

You should have never suggested that Alan go on Spunky show.

Why not?

Because every guest ends up with a pie in his face.

On, wait, wait.

- You're trouble. - Big trouble.

I know what to do. I know what to do.

What?

Take a letter, Sal.

Dear Mr Brady, it's been nice working for you.

Mel, do you have those contracts yet?

Well, just shut up and bring them in then.

Is this the kind of pie you want, Mr Brady?

Yeah, that's the one.

Beautiful.

That's the same one that Uncle Spunky uses.

Is that the same kind?

- That's the same kind. - Good.

- All right. - Beautiful.

Just--

Yes, sir.

[knock on door]

Come in.

Hi, fellows.

I got to wear a darker lipstick.

Did you see me on the Uncle Spunky show last night?

Yeah, we all did.

You were great Alan.

You were just great.

Did you see the part where I got hit with a pie in the face?

Yeah, we saw that part.

It was a pretty funny one.

No Alan, I don't like playing the pie in the face humor.

Yeah, we hate it.

You notice we never write that kind of stuff for you

because we know you don't know like it.

We hate it.

We ate it.

Hey, Rob, you know something funny?

You know what I was thinking of? - What?

When I got that pie in the face?

- What? - I was thinking of you.

Me?

I said to myself--

I said, I owe Rob Petrie a pie in the face.

You want to--

Well, I'll see you later, Rob.

You don't mind, do you?

No, if it'll secure my job.

It will secure your job for life.

OK.

It's awfully nice of you.

Will you hold that?

Certainly.

Well, are you ready?

I'm ready.

Alan, I got those--

Hi, for the next four weeks we'd

like to show you in sequence the four episodes that dealt

with meeting my wife, my marriage

proposal, our marriage, and the birth of our son.

So I hope you'll be with us for our little family cavalcade.

And that you'll stay with us for the summer.