All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s02e22

[theme song]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore.

Swoosh.

[phone rings]

Almost there, keep ringing.

Hello.

Hi, Jer, what's keeping you?

I'm all ready.

Hey, did you check the lodge?

What they say?

5 inches of new powder on 6 feet of packed snow.

[exclaims] Is that good?

Well, Jerry, listen.

Come on, come on.

I'm getting tired of this living room ski.

[chuckles] I wanna get up on that mountain.

OK, yeah.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Honey, Jerry said that there's--

there's at least 5 inches of brand new powder

on 6 feet of packed snow.

Jerry said that's fast, very fast.

[laughs]

Hey, honey.

Ah, you sure you don't mind if I go alone?

Rob, you asked me that question at least a dozen

times in the last half hour.

What do you want me to say?

Well, what you really think.

Darling, I've told you that I don't mind your going.

Now what more can I say?

Well, just once, I would like to hear you say

it like you really meant it.

Do I give you the impression that I don't mean it?

Very, very clearly.

Well, I'm sorry.

Then I'll try to say it more convincingly.

I don't mind that you and Jerry are going skiing this weekend

and I hope you both have a wonderful time.

All right.

Boy, if you feel that way, I'll just stay home then.

Rob, you're, ah, 48 hour weekend is now down

to 47 hours and 15 minutes.

So if you're going, darling, please go

and have a good time up there.

How can I have a good time up there when

you're down here in this mood?

What mood?

I'm smiling.

Honey, your teeth are smiling, but your lips are very tense.

You're gonna get me angry in a minute, Rob.

ROB PETRIE: Good, good.

Maybe then I'll find out what you're really thinking.

All right.

All right, I'll tell you what I'm really thinking.

Now let's have it.

You're mad because you're not going along, right?

Not at all.

I am upset because you may break a leg and end up in a hospital.

You-- you can't mean that.

Rob, Jerry is an expert skier and you've never

been on skis in your life.

Which is the point of the whole trip, honey.

Jerry's gonna teach me.

Yeah, I know you, Rob.

The first minute up there, you'll

be trying to compete with Jerry and you'll break something.

You wanna hear what you're talking?

Like my mother.

OK, all right, insult me all you want.

Rob, I happen to know you.

You are very competitive when it comes to your athletic prowess.

Well, yeah, I'm competitive and I'm pretty darn well

coordinated too.

Rob, I haven't forgotten how many times you've

tripped over this one step.

You have got to be joking.

Darling, you may be an All-American athlete,

but you are also a tripper.

Honey, this-- this is a step.

There are no steps on the big mountains.

But there are bumps.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, there's bumps-- bumps.

And the bumps will have snow on them

and I will glide over them in my slippery skis.

Shoo.

See, you're going too fast already.

Honey, what are you trying to say,

that I shouldn't go skiing simply because I'm

liable to hurt myself?

Yes.

All right, my plans for the weekend

do not include any broken bones.

Now I promise.

Rob, will you promise me you'll

only use the beginner's slope?

Oh, come on, honey.

Oh, Rob, please promise you won't go down the big slopes.

Please.

Well, I may not go down the big slope,

but I am certainly not going to promise you that I won't.

But you have to.

Honey, what's the matter with you?

Did you have a dream or something?

Don't tell me you had a dream that I broke my leg.

No, both legs and an arm and a nose and a wrist,

and I don't know what all.

I couldn't look.

Honey, will you stop that, please.

Oh, Rob.

Maybe you think it's silly to use dreams this way,

but my womanly intuition tells me I'm right.

Womanly intuition is highly overrated.

Well, that may be, but I just happen to have a second sense

about some things.

Hi, Jerry.

Hi, Laura

How'd-- how'd-- how'd--

I saw him through the window.

Hey, come on, Rob.

Let's go get your gear in the car.

The slopes are waiting.

Honey, please don't worry about me.

I'm gonna be fine.

Now you'll see.

Oh, don't worry, Laura.

Why, in five hours, I'll have this man, here, skiing down

those slopes like a Norwegian.

Oh, Jerry.

Please don't let him go down the slopes.

You know what a tripper he is.

He's only a beginner and he's gonna--

Would you like to have Jerry warm my milk

and tie my shoelaces for me too?

Jerry, for crying out loud, would you tell her

I'm not gonna break a leg?

It's guaranteed, Laura.

Why, Rob's too well coordinated for that sort of silliness.

Come on, Rob, you can fight with them later.

Let's go.

You see that-- you see that?

You're the only one who has no faith in me at all.

Jerry says I'm too coordinated--

All right, all right.

That's a step, that's not a mountain.

You put snow on it, you'll see how well I do.

[groans]

They said they were going away for a 48-hour weekend.

They've been gone for 51 hours and 10 minutes.

Where are they?

Probably sitting in the car, cursing

the bumper to bumper traffic.

You're not worried, are you?

Well, Rob did go up to a mountain,

and mountains are high and slippery

and icy and treacherous.

My Jerry's up there too.

You don't see me worrying.

Well, your Jerry is a skier and my Rob is a tripper.

Laura, Rob's sensible.

He won't do anything he thinks is foolish.

Ordinarily, he won't.

But this weekend, he just might do something that's foolish.

What do you mean?

I challenged him not to.

Oh.

If Rob fell off that mountain, I was the one who pushed him.

MILLIE HELPER: Laura.

Oh, yes.

I pushed my husband off a mountain.

If he broke anything, it'll be my fault.

He's not gonna break anything.

Mhm, ha.

Millie, when he left here, he was pretty angry.

He might break a leg just to cause me pain.

Laura, Rob loves you.

He'd rather cut off an arm, then break a leg to cause you pain.

Millie, I'm worried.

Well, there's nothing to worry about.

Listen, I gotta tuck the little ones in bed.

I'll be right back.

Oh, my gosh, I promised Richie I'd tuck him in 15 minutes ago.

You see how upset I--

Laura, if you want to tuck Richie in,

you better come over to my house because you gave him permission

to sleep with Freddy.

You see-- you see how upset I let him get me?

A mother doesn't even know where her own child is.

Come on.

No, I can't go with you.

Why not?

Rob may call.

Well, he knows we'll be together.

If he doesn't get you here, he'll call next door.

That's true, let's go.

[phone rings]

[hurried footsteps]

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Jerry hung up, Rob had an accident.

Who did you just speak to?

No one, but that was Jerry and Rob, had an accident.

MILLIE HELPER: Laura, there was no one on the phone.

How did you know it was Jerry and Rob had an accident?

- It's obvious. - It is?

Well, don't you see?

No.

Well, first of all, I know Rob's ring.

Rob's ring?

And that wasn't it.

How can you tell?

Because after 9 o'clock, Rob never lets the phone ring

more than four times.

This one rang six times.

Rob had a skiing accident and Jerry was

calling to tell me about it.

I can't accept that.

Laura, you're just not making any sense.

Well, then who was it?

Well, I don't know.

But if it was them, they'll call my house.

You're right, let's get over there.

(SIGHS)

[phone rings]

Hello.

Who is it?

What is it, Patty?

Well, tell the kids to get out of the tub and all boats in.

What?

When? - What is it?

Jerry called here and tried to get us.

But no one was home, so he called there?

Jerry called here and tried to get us.

But there was no one home, so he called there.

How did you know?

He's gonna call back, isn't he?

Is he gonna call back?

He's gonna call back.

OK.

Yeah, well, bye-bye, Patty.

I'll be right home.

[drops phone into cradle]

I wonder what Jerry wanted to tell us.

That Rob fell off a mountain.

That's impossible.

How can you be so sure?

Well, because he couldn't possibly have found him yet.

Did they call yet?

No.

Millie, you think Rob's in the hospital too, don't you?

No, I don't think he's in any hospital.

And I don't think there's any reason

for you to think so either.

Oh, why did I ever say to Rob that he's a tripper?

Millie, if he fell off a mountain

and they ever find him, I'll never speak to him again.

Where is he and why doesn't he call?

What was that, Doctor?

Another subdural hematoma, I'm afraid.

Fifth one this week.

Excuse me, miss.

Oh, there you are.

How are you feeling?

Oh, I'm fine.

How's my buddy?

Oh, he's gonna live.

He's in there with the doctor now.

Oh, fine.

Ah-- ah, you can't go in there.

When will the doctor be finished with him?

Well, he's practically done.

Oh.

Listen, um, what exactly did happen out there on that slope?

Mr. Petrie wasn't very clear on the detail.

Well, it was just a freak accident, like on a highway.

Only instead of a four car pileup,

it was a four people pile up

How did that pile up start?

Well, when we were coming down the big slope--

first time for my friend, Rob, but he was doing beautifully.

He was sailing along until he came to this turn.

Well, he makes the turn, OK, but then he

bumped right into another skier who

had just tripped over a goat.

A goat?

Yeah, a big billy goat.

Lying there, I thought it was an old man, you know.

Well, Rob piled into the first guy.

I piled into Rob, and some poor schnook piled into me.

The only one who walked away from the accident

was the billy goat.

Well, you're all rather lucky considering.

Yeah.

Whatever happened to the first guy?

What did he end up with?

Oh, a broken ankle and two cracked ribs.

Ooh.

Doctor.

Oh, are you Mr. Petrie's friend?

Yes, I am.

Well, he's all yours now.

He's a very lucky fellow.

Ah, nurse, I'll need you on orthopedics.

- Oh, yes, Doctor. - Thank you.

Oh, bye-bye, sir. Good luck.

Oh, thanks.

Thanks for everything, Nurse.

Oh, Rob, let me help you.

That's all right, Jer, I can manage.

I can manage.

Oh, my gosh, Rob.

I must say, you look just fine.

How are you, Jer?

Oh, I'm all right.

I got off cheap, just a sprained wrist.

What did the doctor say you had?

The same thing, it's a sprain.

A sprained what?

A sprained body.

A sprained body?

I never heard of a sprained body before.

Well, that's what I got.

But where does it hurt?

You see that?

Yeah.

It's the only place it doesn't hurt!

Hey, Rob, the doctor didn't really say you

had a sprained body, did he?

No, he said I had something in Latin,

but it all adds up to that same thing sprains,

strains, contusions, bruises in general,

all over black and blueness.

But there's nothing broken?

Just my spirit.

Listen, Rob, why don't you sit down?

Don't touch me!

Did you-- did you call the girls?

Yeah, I called both places, but I couldn't get them.

I talked to Patty, though.

You didn't tell your daughter about the accident, did you?

No, no, I figured they'd find out

soon enough when we got home.

Jer, why do they ever have to find out?

Jer, I don't look like I've been in an accident, do I?

Well, no, not when you stand still.

What's the point of not telling them?

I just don't want Laura to know.

Ooh!

No, I got it.

Oh, it's all right.

It's all right.

[groans]

Rob, I don't see why you don't want to tell Laura.

I mean, this is really foolish, Rob.

We can get out of a lot of homey details

this way like-- like taking out the garbage.

Boy, this can be terrific, Rob.

Listen, I can make this last six weeks, maybe longer.

And you, Rob, why, you're good for-- for at least six months--

- Jer. - Yeah, Rob.

Don't move around so much.

Oh.

Listen, Rob, are you sure you don't want to sit down?

Come on.

No, Jerry, don't touch me.

That may be all right for you, Jer,

but all that's gonna get me are a lot of cold stares

and I told you sos.

You mean to tell me that you're gonna try to hide

your sprained body from Laura?

I am not gonna give her the pleasure of gloating.

Rob, I think you're going a little too

far to soothe your manly pride.

What man-- [groans]

Jerry.

Yeah, Rob.

If she finds out about this, I will

be at the mercy of her womanly intuition

for the rest of my life.

Jerry.

Yeah, Rob.

Please don't tell Millie.

OK, OK.

But is it all right if we just call home once more

and tell the girls that will be a few hours late?

- Good idea. - OK.

- I'll wait here. - I'll be right back.

Oh, Rob. - Huh?

Do-- do you have any change?

Wait a minute, I'll see.

Rob, do you really expect to hide your condition from Laura?

The doctor said most of the soreness

well be gone in a couple of days.

Well, here, let me help you.

Jerry, I have got to learn to do these things for myself.

Mhm, here.

I hope that's a dime.

Yeah, it's a dime.

ROB PETRIE: Hey, Jer. - Yeah, yeah.

ROB PETRIE: Wait-- wait-- wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Listen, I think it's a much better idea if I call myself.

I know Laura's gonna be a lot more worried than Millie is.

Right.

She pictures me in some strange hospital all crippled

and banged up.

[laughs and groans] I'm all right, I'm all right.

Right in here.

Oh, let me get out of the way.

[groans]

Sorry, Rob, sorry.

Easy, now.

Easy does it. - All right.

-

No, I'm in.

Jer.

Yeah, Rob, what?

Will you put the dime in for me?

Oh, right.

You want me to dial the operator?

No, I can dial for myself, Jerry.

OK, OK.

- Jerry. - Yeah, Rob.

Will you run it around for me?

Laura, you don't have to sit right by the phone.

It's going to ring, I know it.

[phone rings]

Rob!

Yes.

She knows it was me.

How-- how did you know it was me?

Oh, just a hunch.

How are you?

Oh, just fine.

How are you?

Oh, fine.

That's nice.

How-- how's Rich?

He's fine.

How's Jerry?

Fine.

Are you all right?

Don't you mean, did I break a leg?

Did you?

No, I didn't.

That's fine.

[chuckles]

Oh, you mean, you're not disappointed

your little prophecy didn't come true?

Rob.

ROB PETRIE (ON PHONE): Yes.

When you coming home?

In a few hours.

LAURA PETRIE (ON PHONE): Why so Late?

We, ah-- we had a little trouble with the car.

Well, shall I wait up for you?

Oh, no.

You go to bed.

You don't wait.

I'll, ah-- I'll try to sneak in quietly.

Very well.

Does Jerry have anything he wants to tell me?

Um, does Jerry have anything to say to Millie?

- Ah, Jerry. - Yeah, Rob.

Do you have anything you want tell Millie?

Oh, just tell her that I-- that I love her.

OK.

Um, Jerry says that he loves her.

And tell her to-- to--

that I love her and to wait up for me.

I want to give her a big kiss when I get home.

He says that he loves her and for her to wait up.

And he, ah-- he wants to give her a kiss when he comes home.

Jerry says he loves you and to wait up for him.

He wants to give you a big kiss.

Well, tell him I can't wait and to hurry home.

You tell him anything you wanna tell him.

She says she's waiting and-- and to hurry home.

She, ah, says she's waiting and to, ah, hurry home.

Good.

Ah, anything else?

Goodbye, Rob.

Goodbye, Laura.

He hates me.

Boy, Rob.

You know, you were pretty rough on her.

Are you really that angry with Laura?

No, I'm not, but I want her to think I am.

Why?

If she makes up with me immediately,

she's gonna wanna hug me.

Oh, I see.

[inaudible] and not for at least a couple of days, Jerry.

Oh, OK.

Come on, let me help you out of here.

Come on. - Well, don't.

I know, I know.

You've got to learn to do things for yourself.

That's right, Jerry.

Right.

And without a cane.

Jerry.

Yeah, Rob.

Get me the cane.

Boy, Rob, I just don't know how

you're gonna keep Laura from finding

out about your sprained body.

If I get her so mad, she's gonna avoid me completely.

It won't work.

It will if you will keep your big mouth shut.

Well, what about this?

Tell Millie you strained it fixing a tire.

Oh, that's a good idea.

That way, it'll keep my record as a skier clean for the year.

Boy.

Hey, Rob, let me help you out with your jacket.

Jerry, [inaudible].

OK, OK, right, right.

Good night, Rob.

And good luck hiding the body.

Thanks.

LAURA PETRIE: Rob, is that you?

[groans]

LAURA PETRIE: Rob.

ROB PETRIE: How are you, Laura?

I didn't hear you come in.

Well, I, ah--

I didn't want to wake you.

Did you have a nice time?

Oh, great.

Just, ah-- just, ah, great.

Ah, you all right?

I'm fine.

Why do you ask?

Well, you look cold.

Well, it is a little cold in here.

Yeah, boy, it certainly is.

What-- what are you doing in that flimsy nightgown?

Well, I--

I thought that-- ah, don't you remember

this nightgown, darling?

Oh, no, I don't-- no, I don't.

Why don't you go put on your long woollies

before you catch a cold?

But darling, this is the nightgown that you brought

me back from Chicago that time.

Don't you remember?

Oh, yeah.

Um, Chicago, it's very cold there.

I remember that.

Honey, why don't you go put on something sensible?

But, darling, I haven't worn this in a long time.

Well, I don't blame you.

It's much too tight for this type of weather.

You, ah-- you, ah-- you go to bed.

Well, are you coming?

No, I'm going to watch some television.

Well, would you like me to fix you

some milk and cookies, darling?

No, Laura.

I wish you would just put some clothes on and go to bed.

All right!

[door slams]

Good, good, good, good.

She's not gonna hug me tonight.

She may never hug me again either.

Your pajamas!

Good, good good

Your blanket!

[door slams again]

[groans] Oh, I hope I get this off before I faint.

[keeps groaning]

[whistling]

And your-- what-- what are the--

What?

What are those?

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

Those bandages!

What bandages?

Those, ah, ski-- ski protection.

All skiers wear these-- these things.

They're warm.

It covers your pores.

Rob, those are bandages.

You had an accident and you were afraid to tell me.

Well, you forecasted pretty accurately, honey.

I didn't forecast, Rob.

I caused it.

Well, are you all right?

It looks just terrible.

No, no, just minor aches and pains, honey.

It's, ah, nothing serious.

What happened?

I, ah--

I tripped.

You tripped?

Yeah, over another skier and a goat.

It's a-- it's a long story.

Honey, I don't--

Oh, Rob.

Honey, if you love me, don't touch me.

Honey, if you must touch me, just kiss me right there

on the corner of-- of my mouth.

It's the only place that doesn't hurt.

Other side, other side, other side.

OK.

Would you reach around behind me and get my cane?

Rob?

ROB PETRIE: Yeah.

One or two marshmallows in your hot chocolate?

ROB PETRIE: No marshmallows.

I can't open my mouth.

Honey, where's my-- where's my pajamas?

LAURA PETRIE: Oh, they're in the living room, darling.

I'm get them for you in a minute.

ROB PETRIE: Never mind, I'll get them myself.

LAURA PETRIE: One hot chocolate coming up.

Don't come in!

Don't come in!

LAURA PETRIE: Why?

Because I'm a pathetic looking sight.

If you see me, you're gonna wanna hug me,

and I can't stand any hugging right now.

Let me get under the covers.

Don't come-- you came in.

Rob, you beautiful legs, too?

You-- you gonna hug me?

I have to hug you.

I'll be gentle, though.

There, how does that feel?

Terrible.

But I got to learn to do these things for myself.

[theme song]