All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s02e10

[theme music]

NARRATOR: "THE Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rosemary, Morey Amsterdam, Mary

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Rob, what is the matter with you?

You've been in a trance all through dinner.

I think I lost a couple of friends.

What do you mean?

Honey, how long has it been since Buddy and Sally

were out here for a weekend?

I don't know, dear.

About a month or so?

Don't you think that's kind of odd?

No, darling.

I just assume that they've been busy.

They've been busy all right, avoiding me.

Avoiding you?

Now, why would they avoid you?

I don't know.

I haven't done anything to offend them that I know of.

Have I?

Oh, darling.

You're just being oversensitive.

They're avoiding us.

Now that's silly!

Silly!

Eh?

Six pounds of top sirloin.

Precisely.

Precisely what?

Buddy was with me when I bought this.

He knows he's been in the freezer ever since.

Yet not once, not once, has he said to me, how about barbecue

on that sirloin this weekend?

Well, did you ever think of saying to him,

hey, how about coming up for the barbecue?

Well, sure I did.

Twice I asked them.

They both came up with some pretty flimsy excuses.

For some reason, they don't want to come out here.

Well, what reason?

If I knew the reason, I wouldn't be standing here

taking an aspirin.

You're really concerned about this, aren't you?

Yes I am.

Well, then may I make a suggestion?

Well, to ask them up again?

Why not?

They may fool you and say yes.

Yeah, maybe.

Then again, they may not.

Boy, I'd love to know what those guys have

got against me all of a sudden.

Well, one more joke and we can call it a week.

Yeah, one more weak joke, we can call it a month.

Now, seriously.

If we write one more joke, we can come in late Monday.

Wait a minute, I think I got it.

I got the joke.

A panhandler is walking down the street and he sees a fat lady.

And he walks up to her and he says,

Fat Lady, I ain't eaten in six days.

And she says, Oh!

If I only had your willpower!

So we'll come in early Monday.

Yeah, yeah.

Goodnight, Rob.

Wait, you guys.

What's the big rush?

It's early yet.

The weekend doesn't start until tomorrow.

Well, why wait till the last minute?

Yeah. What?

Are you against long weekends or something?

Well, no of course not.

I just-- I mean, we got-- we got work to do here.

And-- if you have something else to do that's more

important than your work--

of course, we all have outside interests,

but I think work comes first.

And I'd-- It seems to me like we ought to stay here and finish

up our work before you go rushing off on some--

on some kind of weekend.

Hey, Rob, you feeling all right?

I'm-- I'm-- I'm--

Oh, you're all together. Good.

I have a special request.

So have I. Get out of here.

What is it, Mel?

From Alan Brady.

Well, I want to ask a big favor of you.

And we've got a big refusal for you.

What is it, Mel?

Well, Alan's doing a benefit on Sunday,

and he needs a comedy monologue.

Oh, I guess he wants us to give

up our weekend to write it.

Well, Alan's giving up his time, and it is a benefit.

[interposing voices]

Will you hold on just a second, you guys.

Mel, tell him he'll have his monologue.

BOTH: What do you mean?

[interposing voices]

Take it easy, you guys.

Now, you tell him he'll have it and he'll have it on time.

Good. I'll tell him it's locked up.

Yeah, we should tell him you're locked up.

Rob, thanks.

I can't tell you how much.

You can't tell us how much four and four are.

Yeech.

Four and four are yeech?

I thought it was eight.

Rob, just what did you mean by we'll get it to him on time?

Did you mean we we'll or you we'll.

Look, you guys, I got a great idea.

We can get that monologue out of the way,

and still have all the time to ourselves.

Yeah, how do you figure?

Well, I've got a sir-- well, you remember

that sirloin steak we bought?

Yeah, I remember it.

Well, I can thaw it out and you

can all come up to my house for one

of my world-famous barbecues.

BOTH: We're busy.

We're busy.

"We're busy?"

I-- I mean, I'm busy.

Yeah, yeah.

And Pickles, my wife, and me, we're busy.

Look, I didn't mean to panic you guys.

I just thought if you, and Sal, and Pickles weren't

busy over the weekend, we could knock off

that monologue between courses.

You can even bring a date, Sal.

Thanks, Rob, but my date already

has something specially planned.

Yeah.

Oh?

Yeah, Pickles is coming with-- and-- and Sally.

They're coming with me, the three of us-- we're going--

and, uh, she's my date.

Yeah, I'm--

I'm his date.

Well, look.

Couldn't you cancel it?

No, no.

We've been planning this for weeks!

I made all arrangements for the three of us,

Pickles and me, and Sally.

We're-- we're going out to the island.

The-- what is on the island?

Swimming.

Polo.

Uh, polo.

Swimming.

Uh, water polo.

Yeah. - Water polo?

Yeah, yeah.

It's a great game, man.

The wildest.

Yeah, sounds wild.

Well, you guys have a nice time.

Thanks.

I'll, uh, I'll knock off Alan's monologue myself.

- Thanks a lot, Rob. - Yeah, yeah.

Thanks, Rob.

So long.

BOTH: So long.

Water polo!

Where'd you get that one?

What did you want me to tell him?

Deep sea diving?

I suppose you want me to tell him what we're really doing?

Ah, you better not!

Yeah, what he don't know won't hurt him.

Hey, listen, Buddy, are you ashamed of what we're doing?

That's not the idea.

We got our own lives to live.

Whatever we do outside this office is our own business.

It's nobody else's business.

Not even Rob's!

Rob, you can't expect them to clear everything with you.

You're not their father, you know.

Of course not, but I thought at least they were my friends.

They are your friends.

Oh, yeah?

Friends don't say behind your back,

"what we do is none of his business."

Who said that?

Buddy did.

I wasn't in the office 10 seconds.

Well, how do you know?

Huh?

If you weren't there, how do you know he said it?

Well, if you drop your hat outside the door,

and you bend over to pick it up--

Then your ear just happens to be next to the keyhole

while you're picking up the hat that you

didn't happen to wear today.

Well, it's one of the few ways of finding

out the truth about people.

How about concealing a microphone

in the filing cabinet.

Listen, I would go that far if I thought it'd

help straighten this thing out.

Well, I'm worried about them!

Rob, are you really worried about them

or about your hurt feelings?

I'm worried about both.

I've been giving it a lot of thought

and I got the sneaking suspicion that Buddy and Sally are

picking up some extra money writing

for another television show.

Well, so what?

Well, so-- honey!

They could be ruined!

They have an exclusive contract with the Alan Brady show.

It could ruin them in the business.

How could they be that stupid?

What excuse did they give you for not coming up here?

Oh, well, a pretty flimsy one!

They said they were going to a water polo match.

A water polo match.

Well, there you are, darling.

You ought to know Buddy by now.

He's a one-man Disneyland.

He's kidding you and you're falling for it.

That's possible, I suppose.

It's probable, I'd say, and you know my intuition.

Yeah, I know your intuition.

You're the one who thought our baby was going to be a girl.

Honey, that cannot be a rip.

Who are you calling?

I'm going to call Buddy.

He doesn't want my advice, he's going to get it anyway.

That's what friends are for.

Those two are heading for professional disaster,

and if I don't at least try and stop them,

I'll never forgive myself.

Listen, don't talk.

Don't talk.

Just listen to me.

What you are doing is illegal.

It'll ruin you.

Well, I-- no, it's not illegal to take a bubble bath, Pickles.

I'm sorry.

No, I-- I was just kidding, Pickles.

Look, would you-- would you put Buddy on

and get back in the tub?

He isn't?

He's gone away for the weekend?

He's working and he said you would be in the way.

No, no.

Never mind, Pickles.

Good bye.

Pickles is out there alone.

How do you like that?

What?

How do you like what I'm thinking?

Rob!

Yeah, yeah.

That's just exactly what I'm thinking.

I'm going to kill both of them!

I'm going to kill them!

Rob, I have never heard anything more ridiculous in--

Buddy and Sally?

Buddy is a married man!

Well, so was George Sanders a married man.

He went to Tahiti to paint ladies.

George Sanders, the actor?

No!

In the movie, Moon and Sixpence.

He played Paul Gauguin, the famous artist.

He left his wife, he left his family in England,

he took a boat to Tahiti, and nobody

ever heard from him again.

Boy, except for the boat and the native girls,

this is the Paul Gauguin story all over again.

Oh, Rob!

Laura?

Honey, good news!

Buddy and Sally are writing for another television show.

Yeah!

No.

No Paul Gauguin, no Tahiti, no nothing.

Yeah, I'm relieved too.

How do I know?

Honey, I just found a piece of carbon paper that Sally saved.

Listen to what she typed.

"Direct from their long engagement

in the interrogation room at police headquarters,

here they are, those masters of mirth--"

Honey, we don't use this kind of junk on our show.

That's how I know.

Well, of course they're still in a lot of trouble,

but at least it's the kind of trouble

could be easily handled.

Honey, I'll-- I'll call you back.

Buddy and Sally just came in.

Bye.

Hey, Rob.

What's more easily handled?

Oh, Oh.

Would you two guys sit down a minute?

Yeah.

Look, do you-- do you mind if I ask you something personal?

Well, not if you tell us what it is first.

I just want you to know that whatever I say now

is only because I'm very fond of you guys.

Sounds like we're getting fired.

No, seriously, friend to friend.

Are you guys doing any outside work?

Well, I--

I watered the geranium on the windowsill this morning.

That's outside.

Yeah, and I helped Pickles take the garbage out.

Yeah, that's outside.

We hope.

Guys.

Rob, what are you doing?

Nobody listens at keyholes, nowadays.

You'd be surprised.

Are you guys writing for any other television show?

Because if you are, you're in breach of contract.

Oh!

Ho, ho!

Look, if that's what's bugging you, forget it.

We're not writing for any other television show.

You guys leveling with me?

Believe me, we're not writing for any other television show.

Yeah, we ain't writing too much on this one either.

Come on, let's go.

Yeah.

Where's that script.

Listen, we need a joke right-- right here.

Remember that?

That's the one we were working on.

Right there, yeah.

I think it's--

Mm-hmm.

How'd, uh, how'd the water polo go?

Huh? Oh!

Oh! Fine, thank you.

Great, great.

Our team won.

Did, uh, Pickles have a good time?

Yeah.

Rob, the truth is Buddy and I--

And Pickles had a wonderful time.

Good.

Anybody want any coffee?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll have some.

Sal?

Yeah, me too, Rob.

Thanks.

He knows!

He knows we're keeping a secret from him!

I think we ought to tell him. - No, no!

He thinks we're writing for some other show.

Let him!

I still think we ought to tell him.

Why?

Well, I just feel guilty about the whole thing, that's all.

Eh, guilty-schmilty.

We had a wonderful weekend, didn't we?

Yeah, I got to admit we did.

Yeah, next week it'll be even better.

You'll see.

You know, Buddy, I've been to Herbie's Hiawatha Lodge before,

but it was never any fun.

You being there made all the difference in the world.

Ha!

You're my favorite female, kiddo!

Hey, hey, hey.

Next weekend It's just you and me again, huh, baby?

Yeah, but Buddy, what about your wife?

Eh, I'll get rid of her.

Buddy, Sally, do-- do you two take any cream in your coffee?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Good, good.

I'll-- I'll go get it.

He knows!

He knows! He knows!

But he don't know what he knows, and we're

going to keep it that way.

Rob, will you stop fidgeting?

Honey.

I'm sorry.

I can't help myself.

I just feel fidgety.

Let's-- why don't we go someplace?

Where do you want to go?

Well, I-- any-- any place.

Where would you like to go?

Well, you know what I--

Why don't we go up to Herbie's Hiawatha Lodge?

Herbie's what?

Herbie's Hiawatha Lodge.

Honey, everybody's going up there.

I-- I heard a couple of my friends talking about it.

I picked this up.

Romantic hideaway, two-hour easy drive from New York City,

continental cuisine, boating, entertainment, come as you are.

Nothing beats fun!

Well, what does?

Honey, Richie's going to stay over at the Helper's all night

anyway.

We could get away, just the two of us.

Rob, what are you keeping from me?

Does this have anything to do with Buddy and Sally?

Yeah.

Herbie's Hiawatha Lodge is their romantic hideaway.

Rob, nothing will make me believe that!

Nothing will make me believe it either until see it.

And I got to see it!

I don't see them in here, either.

Of course you don't see them, darling.

You can't see anything with these silly glasses on.

Can't we take them off?

OK.

They're still not here.

It's showtime!

We've got a good seat for that!

All right, folks, let's clear the floor

for the entertainment.

ANNOUNCER: Good evening, gentlemen.

Grab the chairs and follow me.

ANNOUNCER: Tonight, we our proud pleasure to present to you,

direct from their long engagement in the interrogation

room at police headquarters, those masters

of mirth and melody--

and you can continue to order drinks throughout the show,

$0.55 for a tall one--

here they are, Gilbert and Solomon!

Gilbert and Solomon!

I guess that wraps this one up, eh, inspector?

Here we go! [big band music]

(SINGING) I'm Gilbert.

- (SINGING) I'm Solomon. - (SINGING) I'm Solomon.

(SINGING) I'm Gilbert.

(SINGING) When we are on the beat, you won't sleep.

(SINGING) I'm Gilbert.

- (SINGING) I'm Solomon. - (SINGING) I'm Solomon.

(SINGING) I'm Gilbert.

BOTH: (SINGING) We're working here

because we're working cheap!

We'll make a deal with all you folks.

Here's all you have to do.

(SINGING) Don't tell a soul you saw us here.

(SINGING) Yeah, we won't tell them we saw you!

- (SINGING) I'm Gilbert. - (SINGING) I'm Solomon.

- (SINGING) I'm Gilbert - (SINGING) I'm Solomon.

(SINGING) I'm Gilbert.

BOTH: (SINGING) Hooray for the USA!

[applause]

Wait a minute!

That takes care of the jazzy stuff.

And now for the music!

Bring the instruments out, will you, chief?

Let me have that, honey. - There you go.

There you are. BUDDY: Oh, thank you very much.

SALLY: Oh! BUDDY: You can take this.

All right.

How do you tune up pot covers?

They're not pot covers.

They're cymbals.

Did you ever have to play those before?

No, what do you do?

You just-- cymbal!

[clang]

You sure you never played those before?

- Word of honor. - Boy!

What talent!

[tuning instrument]

Good. You all tuned up?

Tuned up, nothing.

That's my first selection.

[jazzy music]

(SINGING) I'm coming home.

I'm coming Home.

Raise that window high.

I'm coming home.

I'm coming home.

Raise that window high!

What?

Are you coming home with a giraffe?

Oh!

Is there any other song you'd like to hear?

Save a dance.

Thank you!

Oh, beautiful, beautiful.

Hey, wait a minute.

Don't you folks know you folks is supposed to applause

with your tomahawks here?

This man'll take your applauder away, for Heaven's sake.

Hello!

There's some old Indian folklore burnt in on this handle.

What does it say?

"I got a know--"

I got a know--

"It's like a ban."

It's like a ban.

"Hannah."

Hannah.

Now, say the whole thing.

I got a nose like a banana.

Bring-bring!

Bring-bring?

A telephone call for me?

Hello?

Who?

Paramount?

Shorts?

Yeah, thanks.

- Hey, who was that? - Paramount.

I left my shorts there.

All righty.

Ladies and gentlemen, my partner

will attempt to get some serious music

out of that overgrown ukulele.

A little Hungarian folk song.

Uh, Bela?

[eastern european music]

[applause]

And now, my lovely partner, Sally Gilbert.

[MUSIC - "COME RAIN OR COME SHINE"]

(SINGING) I'm going to love you like nobody's loved you,

come rain or shine.

High as a mountain and deep as a river, come rain or shine.

I guess when you met me, it was just one of those things.

But don't ever bet me, cause I'm going to be true if you let me.

I'm going to love you like nobody's loved you,

come rain or shine.

Happy together, I'm happy together, and won't it be fine.

Days may be cloudy or sunny, we're

in we're out of the money.

That I'm with you always, I'm with you rain or shine!

Rain or shine!

Rain or shine!

[applause]

[big band music]

(SINGING) We're Gilbert and Solomon,

we're Solomon and Gilbert.

Hooray for the USA!

All right, all right!

There'll be a two-minute intermission to give you

a chance to order some drinks.

Let's order up, everybody!

Order up!

Go ahead, say it!

Yeah, yeah. Go ahead.

Make a wisecrack.

No wisecracks.

You guys were great!

Buddy, I didn't know you play the cello so beautifully.

And Sally, that song was sensational!

Thank you, Laura.

Look, just one thing.

Why the big secret?

Why didn't you guys tell me?

Well, I don't know.

We thought a lot of sophisticated friends

would come up here from New York, and they wouldn't get--

you know, they would realize we're

just doing this for kicks.

And they-- they'd make fun of us, and we'd be a big flop.

Oh, it was wonderful!

Hey, you get paid for this?

Well, we split $42.50.

Not bad!

Yeah, but they give us rooms and the meals are thrown in.

Yeah, you stay in your room and they

throw the meal right in.

All right, all right, all right.

Here's--

[interposing voices]

Here they are, for your entertainment.

From New Rochelle, those dancing suburbanites,

Lester and Ester Bushmaster.

[applause]

[music - "harmony"]

(SINGING) If you don't trust me like you should--

(SINGING) That's no good.

If you won't take my best advice--

(SINGING) I'm not nice.

If you don't say you think that I'm OK,

that isn't any way to be.

BOTH: (SINGING) What we need is good old harmony.

Harmony!

Harmony!

(SINGING) Imagine Minneapolis without St. Paul.

BOTH: (SINGING) It's Harmony.

That's all!

(SINGING) If you won't cheer my when I'm sad--

(SINGING) That's too bad.

If I can't ask for your last dance--

(SINGING) I ain't no gent.

(SINGING) And if I hurt you, would you take my word?

You'd have to face that third degree!

BOTH: (SINGING) What we need is perfect harmony!

Harmony!

Harmony!

Harmony!

Harmony!

It's harmony!

Good old harmony!

Make it harmony for you and me!

That's all!

[theme music]