All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s02e07

[theme music]

NARRATOR: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Where's Rich?

Shouldn't he be eating?

- He's already had breakfast. - What did he have?

Waffles and bacon.

How come he gets all those good things

and I always get scrambled eggs?

Dear, because when I ask you what you want for breakfast,

you always say scrambled eggs.

Well honey, that's because I'm half asleep.

I got scrambled eggs memorized.

Next time you ask me and I mumble scrambled eggs,

give me waffles.

Well then how do I know when you really want scrambled eggs?

When you ask me and I mumble waffles--

I'll make scrambled eggs.

Yeah, that's nice.

And if I mumble toast and jam--

well, I'll make you a little list of mumbles.

Daddy?

Yeah, Rich?

What's my name.

Your name-- let's see face looks familiar.

Seen you somewhere before.

Were you in the army?

No, really, daddy.

Well, you know your name is Richie.

Yeah, Richard Duffy.

I know that.

I mean, what's, my other name?

Well, uh-- well, you've never heard us call you

anything else, have you, Rich?

I mean, Ricky--

Richie Petrie, that's it.

Don't I have a middle name like my friend

Freddy William Hillber?

Or my other friend [inaudible] Emmanuel Siegle?

Well--

Or my other friend, Lucas Joseph Craner?

Well I-- I--

I get the idea, Rich.

You mean like a middle-- middle name.

Yeah.

Do I have one?

Well, not-- not exactly, Rich, not exactly.

But if it says on your birth certificate

that you have a middle name, isn't that your middle name?

Richie, where did you get that?

I was playing in the desk and I found it in an iron box.

Honey, did you leave that box locked?

I've told you 100 times.

Rob, you opened it last to show Jerry your high school

school board jump medal.

Well it doesn't make any difference who opened it.

You should have locked it.

And you, young man, are not supposed

to get in your daddy's desk.

I'm sorry.

Is that my middle name, Rosebud?

Richard Rosebud Petrie.

Well, Richard, it seems that way, doesn't it?

How come I got a sissy name like Rose?

Richie, dear, it's a long story.

And we don't have time to go into it now.

Tonight?

Well, we'll talk about it later.

You get to school or you'll be late.

Hey, Rich, you don't have to tell

your school friends that your middle name is-- is Rosebud.

Isn't it?

Well, we will talk about it tonight, OK?

OK, daddy.

Goodbye, dear.

Goodbye, mommy.

Rob, why didn't you lock that box?

Well, honey, he was bound to find

out sooner or later that his middle name is Rosebud.

I'd prefer that he were older when he found out.

He'd be better able to protect himself.

Well, maybe when he hears the facts, he'll forgive us.

Don't you mean forgive you?

No, I mean us.

You were partly responsible, you must admit.

I admit nothing.

Rosebud was your idea.

You still here?

No, I'm not.

Rob, that wasn't worthy of a comedy writer.

I'm not making any quips.

I'm not here.

I was back eight years, just before Rich was born.

What are you doing way back there?

You'll be late for work.

I know.

I'm just trying to collect all of the facts.

You know, when he comes home tonight,

he's going to expect us to tell him

why his middle name is Rosebud.

Well, tell him the truth.

I intend to.

I just want to be sure I remember everything.

Well then start from the beginning.

Tell him about the day you found out

you were going to be a father.

That's when it all started, you know?

You're right, that's the day it started.

We were still in the old office and.

You came in to visit me.

Buddy and I were in having a meeting with Alan,

and you walked in on Sally, remember?

I remember.

[knocking]

Come in.

Is Rob in?

No, he's-- well, hi, Laura.

What are you doing here?

Hi.

I had to be downtown.

So I thought I'd stop in and surprise Rob.

Where is he?

Well, he and Buddy went with Alan Brady.

We wrote a sensational sketch.

And they're in there trying to convince him it's sensational.

- How long will it take? - Forever.

Why?

The sketch is rotten.

I'm only kidding. Come on, Laura.

Sit down, make yourself comfortable.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, that's much more comfortable.

Oh, don't let me disturb you.

I can see you're writing.

Well, it's just a letter to Aunt Agnes.

You wouldn't have any news, would you?

News?

Well, I mean, I'm down to writing

about Mr Henderson's love life.

Oh, no, no news.

Say, how did you happen to name your cat, Mr Henderson?

Well, I was engaged to a fellow

named Bill Henderson once.

I don't think I've ever heard you speak of him.

Well, that's because when I speak of him, it gets to,

me right here.

Laura?

Well, don't you feel funny calling a cat Mr. Henderson?

Well, it's just like my Aunt Agnes always says,

what's in a name?

A cat by any other name still wouldn't smell like a rose.

Laura, you sure you don't have any news?

Well, I do have a bit of news for Rob.

When do you think he'll be through with Alan?

Oh, about five minutes to an hour.

But you wouldn't want to wait that long, would you?

Well, no, it's-0- it's kind of important.

Laura, did you by any chance have a visit with the doctor

this morning?

Oh Marge, Marge, buzz Alan Brady's room.

Tell Rob to come in here immediately.

It's an emergency.

Really, I could wait.

I know, but I couldn't.

Oh, but Mr. Brady--

Oh, so let him foam at the mouth.

This is more important.

Oh, Laura, Rob is going to flip.

And don't worry, I'll leave you two alone so you can tell him.

OK.

Listen, how did you know?

Your smile.

It's obvious you're smiling for two now.

Sal, what's the big emergency?

Laura, what are you doing down here?

What are you doing here? I didn't send for you.

You stay in a room with a comedian

who was foaming at the mouth.

Honey, what's the matter?

Is anything wrong at home?

Was Mr Brady really angry that we

called you out of the meeting?

Let's just say that he was not happy.

You can tell by the way he threw his cigarette

at Mel Cooley's head.

Honey, what's the matter?

I should have waited.

Would you fellows please get back to the conference room

before Mr Brady fires us all?

He can't fire you without divorcing your sister.

Rob, please.

Hello, Laura.

Honey, what is it?

We're busy, as you can see.

Well, what I have to tell you--

it can wait.

Well then why did you have Sally

call me out of the meeting?

Laura, don't let these bullies intimidate you.

Now, you just take your time.

We'll wait outside.

Take our time?

Our boss is waiting.

Alan is furious.

He threw a cigar at Mel's head.

Yeah, and it was lit.

You can see it burned out the whole forest.

Rob, can we please get back to work?

Hey, maybe we can get the government to replant.

What was it you wanted to tell me?

- Nothing. - Now come, let's go.

Where? Where are we going?

Yankee Stadium.

The Dodgers are playing John Wayne and I got ringside seats.

I read the book.

What is going on here?

Honey, are you all right?

No, I'm--

I'm just fine.

Well honey, come on.

Well, I just came from the doctor.

Doctor?

What happened?

Well, I drove down this morning.

What, in the car?

Alone? - Yes.

- On the highway? - Yes.

You smashed into somebody.

You've had an accident.

Honey, I have told you and told you,

even though you have your license, now

you oughtn't be out driving around

alone, especially on a highway.

You're not that sure of yourself.

Well, I'm sorry, darling.

Anyway, you're all right.

Nobody was hurt.

Well, the rabbit died.

Are-- you-- oh my gosh.

I'll get-- the rabbit--

I'll get some water.

We're going to ave-- we're going to be fathers.

- No. - Mothers.

Yes.

How about that?

You like the idea?

The best idea you've have since we married.

You like it?

I can't wait to meet little Roberta or Robert Jr.

You mean Laura or Lawrence Jr.?

No, I don't, darling.

It's going to be named after you.

After you, sweetheart.

I don't even want to discuss it.

I'm glad to hear that.

Because the kid is not going to be named after me.

He'll have another handicaps as it is.

Hey, congratulations.

How about that?

[interposing voices]

The rabbit died.

Sit down, honey.

Laura, I had to tell them.

I hope you don't mind.

Oh, no, not at all.

In fact, you can even read it to your Aunt Agnes.

Hey, hey, hey, what are you going to call the kid?

Well, since he'll be born while you're

working on "The Alan Brady Show,"

why don't you consider Alan?

Why don't you consider playing in traffic?

I'm going to tell Alan.

He'll be so thrilled a baby is born on his show.

OK, I got the name.

I got the name for the kid.

You ready?

Exit.

Exit?

Yeah, the kid grows up to be an actor,

he'll have his name in every theater in the country.

I've got a name I've been saving for a parakeet

but you can have it.

You ready?

Not really, but go ahead.

Valentino.

Valentino?

You mean like in Rudolph?

No, I mean like in Saul.

Of course I mean like Rudolph.

And if it's a girl, Valentina.

Come on.

Oh, come on.

What do you know, what's good?

Alan says I'm right it, should be Alan.

Pay no attention to him.

I got it.

I got it.

What is it?

Humphrey.

Get rid of it.

What's wrong with Humphrey?

Bogart didn't do bad with it.

Well, Marie [inaudible] didn't do bad either.

But would you name your kid Marie [inaudible]??

No, and for only one reason.

Why?

Because my brother named his kid that.

Look, you guys, we have plenty of time.

Now why don't you just write all your suggestions

down on a piece of paper and mail them to us,

and we'll consider.

Yes, and in case of a tie, the decision of the mother

will be final.

Except if the father disagrees, in which case

it will be Laura or Laurence Jr.

[interposing voices]

Well, honey, if you'd just given in to the name Lawrence,

he wouldn't have ended up saddled with a middle name

like Rosebud.

Darling, aren't you forgetting something?

I did give in.

It was your mother.

My mother?

Honey, your mother was the impossible one.

Are you trying to say that my mother was responsible?

Well, she sure contributed to it greatly.

I remember that day as clearly as I remember anything.

And you know my memory.

Yes, and it's only fair.

[doorbell rings]

You better finish your coffee, dear.

You'll be late for work.

I've got a great memory.

I remember exactly what her mother said.

Oscar.

I beg your pardon?

Oscar.

Oscar?

Oh, I think Oscar's a beautiful name.

Don't you, Rob?

Well, it's a name.

Isn't it though?

It has such strength.

Well--

Oh, and such distinguished men have had the name of Oscar.

Oscar Strauss, the wonderful composer,

Oscar Hammerstein, the wonderful lyricist, Oscar Middleton--

Oscar Middleton?

What was he a wonderful?

A wonderful taxidermist.

You know Laura's grandfather stuffed animals.

Oh, that's right, honey.

I remember he gave us that old owl we've got up in the attic--

Right there, darling.

Oh, it's on the piano.

Beautiful. We love it.

And we move it.

It's everywhere.

I think you can put it away now, dear.

Oh.

Well, as I was saying, I think Oscar is a wonderful name,

don't you?

But Oscar doesn't go with Petrie.

Oscar Petrie-- oh, that doesn't work at all.

Oscar Petrie works fine.

No, too many syllables.

Our name Petrie needs a good, short name in front of it.

Like Sam-- Sam Petrie, oh, there's a name you

feel like doing business with.

Sam Petrie on the phone--

Sam Petrie, put him right on.

Love doing business with old Sam Petrie.

Hi, Sam.

How's my boy?

Ha ha ha.

I want to give a go, Sam.

Sam Petrie is a beautiful name.

What's wrong with the name Sam?

Nothing, Sam.

You have a beautiful name.

Only you have two nephews already named after you.

I know, I know.

But not one grandson.

Sam is a great name.

Dad, you like your name so much, how

come you never named me Sam?

Because my father liked Rob.

And I respected my father's wishes.

Well, I like Sam.

But I just like a name with more--

Oh, what?

Sam has got everything.

Even named a whole country Sam.

Don't you mean Siam?

No, I don't.

I mean good old Uncle Sam.

[interposing voices]

E-D-W-A-R-D.

Who's Edward?

My father's oldest brother, Uncle Edward.

Let's see someone take that name apart.

E-D-W--

You don't have to spell it, dear.

It's a very nice name.

But it's no Oscar.

Which, by the way, the movie Academy

calls their gold statue.

Which, in 1940, should have been

won by the man who played in "Dr. Ehrlich's Magic

Bullet," Edward G. Robinson.

Who also played Little Caesar, a vicious gangster.

Mom, wouldn't you like--

I wouldn't like any grandson of mine

to be named after a killer.

Well, my brother Edward was decorated

in the First World War.

You wouldn't call him a killer.

What was he decorated for?

He blew up a machine gun nest with a hand grenade.

E-D-W-A-R-D, it's settled.

[interposing voices]

Dad, well, we all love the name Edward.

But there's already an Edward Jr. in the family.

You can't have too many Edwards.

Folks, look, we're both flattered

that you would like to name a child after someone

you all love and admire.

But we feel--

And you're right to feel that way, son.

Uh,why?

Well, because it's going to be your daughter or your son.

And you and Laura are the ones that like the name.

You're very understanding, Mother Petrie.

Well, dear, there are very few names

that everyone seems to like.

Actually, I can't think of any that would please all of us.

Except--

Benjamin.

Yes, Benjamin.

Oh, mom.

Benjamin is the one name that everyone seems to like--

Benjamin Franklin, our great statesmen, Benjamin Disraeli,

prime minister of England--

Benjamin the [inaudible],, famous pickpocket.

Sam.

[inaudible] the [inaudible],, you want to call

little Sam after a pickpocket?

I thought we decided on Edward.

E-D-W--

We know how to spell it.

Rob, can did decide on Edward?

Well no, sir, we didn't decide.

[interposing voices]

[whistle blows]

Grandpa's whistling.

[whistle blows]

What is it, grandpa?

If it's a boy, Ulysses David Petrie.

If it's a girl, Ulyssia Davida.

That's it.

Grandpa, grandpa, those are very beautiful names, but--

Ulysses David if it's a boy, Ulyssia Davida if it's a girl.

That's it.

Or don't you care about sending an old man to his grave happy?

Grandpa, we know we want you to be happy.

Nobody's sending you to your grave yet.

I'll go to my grave when I want to.

Just try and let anybody try and stop me.

How come I didn't get an olive?

You'd think they'd give an old man an olive.

Why didn't you give him an olive?

Why didn't you give him an olive?

He's your father.

[interposing voices]

Darling, do you think we ought to start dessert?

Hm?

Oh yeah, mom, would you like to help Laura serve dessert?

Oh, yes, of course.

But don't you think we ought to settle on the name first?

It's settled as far as I'm concerned.

It's Sam.

Sam?

Yes, S-A-M, Sam.

Oh, give me a break.

Edward, Edward, Edward.

No.

[interposing voices]

[whistle blowing]

Well, do you remember that it was

you who was responsible for Richie's ending up

with the middle name Rosebud.

No, all I can remember is that our parents

were pretty unreasonable.

They certainly were.

But you still didn't have to do what you did.

Honey, you forget something, your parents

threatened to boycott the baby.

I did the only thing I could possibly

do to make them all happy.

Well, let's see if you can make Richie happy with Rosebud

for a middle name.

Don't worry, I will.

Well, if you do I'll--

You'll what?

I'll kiss you so hard your teeth will rattle.

Good enough.

And listen, do a couple of things for me, will you?

What's that?

Well, when I get home tonight, put up Richie's Blackboard,

right about over there. - Mhm.

And you better get me a dental appointment

because there's going to be a lot of loose teeth around here

tonight. Bye.

OK, Rich.

Now, you go sit on mama's lap there.

And there's no reason to look so sad.

Your middle name isn't really Rosebud.

Yes, it is.

My birth certificate says it's Rosebud.

Yes, it does.

But do you know why?

No, but I wish it was Jim.

Rich, we have really a wonderful family.

When they all found out that mom and I were going

to have a baby, they all wanted to name you after somebody

they loved very much.

They all loved Rosebud?

No, they all love somebody different.

Now, grandma loved the name Oscar because that

was her father's name.

Then why didn't you name me Oscar?

Because grandpa liked another name.

He liked the name Edward--

E-D-W-A-R-D. That was the name of his brother.

He was a big hero in the First World War.

Then and why didn't you name me Edward?

I'm coming to that.

Now, grandpa, my grandpa, your great grandfather,

liked the name Ulysses David.

Ulysses, that was a name, first name,

of one of our great presidents.

And the name David, who's--

that was his father's name.

He was a very important drummer boy

in the war between the states.

OK, now my mother like the name Benjamin, also the name of one

of our illustrious Americans.

And my father, he liked the name Sam.

That's his name, isn't it?

That's right, Rich, it is.

It's a good name to do business with.

You love grandpa, don't you?

Yeah, grandpa's nice.

ROB PETRIE: Sure he is.

Now mommy--

Who loves daddy very much.

Thank you.

Mommy likes my name very much, Robert.

So you see, Rich, actually your middle name is Robert Oscar Sam

Edward Benjamin Ulysses David.

And the initiative to all of your middle names spells--

Rosebud.

That's right.

And I'll bet you you're the only kid in your school

with seven middle names, huh?

Wow.

Yeah, it's pretty good, isn't it Rich?

It's neat, daddy.

Well, wait until I tell Freddy.

All's he's got is William.

Well, you did it.

Yeah, I did it.

Oh, by the way, did you make the dental appointment?

I did.

Good, then you may rattle my teeth.

Hey, you did it.

Here's your milk, dear.

Daddy?

Yeah, Rich?

Am I going to be a daddy?

Well, I imagine you will someday.

When I have a baby, can I name it anything I want?

Well, sure you can.

Of course, you'll probably want to consult your wife.

Oh, she'll like the name I give the baby.

What name is that, dear?

Oh, I just wrote it here.

Oh, let me help you, Rich.

Laura?

Mickey Rat Petrie.

Mickey Rat Petrie?

Isn't that good, daddy?

Well, darling, the Mickey is fine.

Yeah, like Mickey Mantle.

But Rat is not a very popular name, Rich.

And it's not very pretty either.

Yes, it is.

It's for three people I like.

Richie, me, Alan, your boss, and Teddy, my teddy bear.

Well, darling your thought is a wonderful one.

But I'm not sure your little boy would like

having Rat for a middle name.

But I like Richie Alan Teddy.

Well, I'll tell you, Rich, if that's the case,

I think maybe I may be able to help you out here.

How about Alan Richie Teddy, Art?

Well, darling, Art is a nickname.

I like Rat better.

Well, [inaudible] here.

Let's try another combination.

How about Teddy Alan Richie?

That spells Tar.

Honey, that's no kind of a name at all.

I like Tar.

It's short for Tarzan.

Well, who wants to be named Tarzan?

Well, I know darling.

Art at least is a name.

For short, I understand that.

[interposing voices]

[whistle blows]

It's my kid and I like Rat.

[music playing]