All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s02e05

[theme song]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore.

Very, very good. SALLY ROGERS: What?

Listen to this.

Now it's the turn of the century, you see,

and Alan will play the part of Diamond Jim Brady.

And he escorts the guest star on the show to Tony Pastors.

Oh, good. BUDDY SORRELL: Hey, good, good.

And maybe we could get him to do some money

jokes like, he's so rich that--

Yeah, he's so rich that, uh, he's

even got a solid gold bathtub.

And what he gets out is a 14-carat ring.

No, no, this guy is too rich to take a bath.

Too rich to take a bath?

I mean, a regular bath. SALLY ROGERS: Oh.

He takes milk baths. That's it, milk baths.

Oh, I got it.

He ties a cow to the ceiling and takes a shower.

Look, don't worry.

We'll get some good jokes later.

SALLY ROGERS: Yeah.

Well, you didn't say you wanted good jokes.

Look, Buddy, the jokes are just a lead in, anyway,

to the barbershop number because two singing waiters

will come out and join Alan.

Yeah, that's right.

ROB PETRIE: Sally, you think we ought to run it

down once just to [inaudible]. - Sure, I'll play.

Good, all right.

Let's see.

I'll be-- I'll be Alan and you'll

be the female guest star.

(SINGING) We were sailing along.

(SINGING) We were sailing along.

(SINGING) On the Moonlight Bay.

(SINGING) On the Moonlight Bay.

(SINGING) We could hear the voices ringing.

(SINGING) You could hear them ring.

(SINGING) They seem to say--

(SINGING) They seem to say--

(SINGING)--you have stolen my heart.

(SINGING)--you've stolen my heart.

(SINGING) And now don't go away.

(SINGING) Now don't go away.

(SINGING) As we sing love's old sweet

song on Moonlight Bay.

On Moonlight Bay.

I hope I'm not disturbing anything.

No, I was expecting a headache anyway.

Come on, Buddy, that's $0.25.

All right, my play is here.

What-- what are they doing?

Well, we have a new rule.

Every time Buddy insults you, he has to donate $0.25 to charity.

You mean every time--

he has to pay?

Yes, and all the money goes to aid mental health.

Mental health?

Yeah, we're trying to discover a cure

for baldness of the brain.

I got a copy of the sketch, Mel.

Hey, Sally, what will it cost me to call

him a big blubber nose baboon?

Well, that will run you roughly $0.75.

Can't afford it.

You're not a big blubber nose baboon.

You're a small blubber nose baboon.

Rob.

Come no, Buddy.

Well, Mel, is Alan ready to hear the sketch?

Yes, and I hope it's good.

Oh, it is.

Then I'll read it to Alan.

You are going to read our comedy sketch to Alan?

Why not?

It's like Benedict Arnold reading the Declaration

of Independence.

Mel, I think it would be better

if we read the sketch to Alan.

All right.

All right, I'll buy that.

I hope it's funny. - It will be.

Come on, gang.

No, wait a minute.

You and Sally read, not him.

What do you want me to do?

You can-- that's for what I was thinking.

Sal, would you get an extra copy of the script?

Oh, sure.

Hey, Buddy, if any of my boyfriends call up and propose,

say, yes.

Hey, what about Irving Think?

Ew.

What do you mean, ew?

Sure.

[chuckles]

[phone rings]

Yeah, Marge.

My brother?

No, Mar-- yeah, I got a brother.

No, he couldn't possibly be here.

He's in South America.

Yeah, he's not in South America.

Yeah, all right, send him in.

Yeah, he's very charming.

Charming, he got all the charm of an old-fashioned train

wreck.

[knock on door]

Come on in.

Buddy, baby.

[laughs] It's your kid brother, Blackie.

[continues laughing]

Why don't you get out of here?

[chuckles] You're kidding.

[fake chuckle] I'm not.

Get out of here.

Buddy, is that any way to greet your brother?

Just to see you, I came all the way from Brazil.

Well, I got all the coffee beans I can use.

I'm happy to see you haven't lost your sense of humor.

Yeah, if you stick around, you'll see me lose my temper.

Buddy, I'm your brother.

Look, don't rub it in.

You're the brother that's embarrassed

and humiliated me for years.

Now what do you want here?

Oh, Buddy, I've changed.

Since I've seen you last, a lot has happened to me.

Oh, the cops caught up with you.

[chuckles] Wait a second.

Rig-a-rig-a-rig-a-dig.

Dig-rig-a-rig-dig-- my card.

Lopez, de Groot and Sorrell, land

investments, Rio de Janeiro.

Mhm, where did you meet le Groot and de Groot

and Lopez, in a pool room?

Look, I know this is hard to believe,

but this is a legitimate and successful business.

Feel the texture of that card, genuine gabardine.

[inaudible],, what do you want here?

Nothing.

It's just that I'm getting old and I--

I want to set a few things right before my good looks fade away.

You know, nobody believes I was a homely child.

Well, that cute stuff don't go with me anymore.

All right, Blackie, come on.

How long has it been since you held a pool cue in your hand?

Well, it's been five years since I held a prull cue--

a pril-- a cra-- a crill--

pimp.

You see, I can't even say it anymore.

Buddy, do you know why I came here?

Come on, how much you need?

It's not money.

I want to introduce you to the new me.

You mean, you want me to introduce

the old you to my new friends so you can

hustle them into a pool game? Well, I'm not going to do it.

See, far as I'm concerned, you can get outta here right now.

Now wait a second.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Buddy.

What do I have to do to convince you I'm on the level?

Leave town.

Buddy, don't you believe a man can change?

Yeah, a man can change, but you've never been a man.

Goodbye, Blackie.

Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.

Well, I'm sorry you made me feel that way.

[clacking of keyboard]

Buddy, you're wrong, and I'm gonna prove it to you.

I'll see you later.

I'm not gonna let him use me again.

Well, now I know who my friends are.

Marge told me your brother was here

and you let him get away without even introducing me to him.

Buddy, I'll never forgive you for that.

Sally, I told you he's not your type.

SALLY ROGERS: Is he single?

Yeah.

He's my type.

Lucky for you, I got a date though.

ROB PETRIE: Hey, gang.

Alan, loved the script. You can all scoot.

- Oh, good. - Hey, great.

Hey, Rob, do me a favor.

Cover the merchandise, will you?

I'm in an awful hurry.

I've only got 40 minutes to go home, shower, get dressed, make

up and get ready for an evening with Herman

Glimcher, boy octopus.

Goodnight, gentlemen.

Goodnight, Sal.

Yeah, goodnight, Sal.

Ah, goodnight, Rob.

Buddy, is there anything wrong?

No, I'm all right.

I probably ate too much for lunch.

Something disagreed with me.

Night.

Night.

[whistling]

[knock on door]

Come in.

Oh, I beg your pardon, sir.

Has Buddy Sorrell left?

Oh, he just left about five minutes ago.

Well, I'm his brother, Blackie.

Oh, I heard you were here.

I'm-- I'm Rob Petrie.

Glad to meet you. - Nice to see you.

I had some things I wanted to show Buddy.

Well, listen, he'll be home in about 15 minutes.

Oh, thanks. I'll catch him tomorrow.

You know, I have to tell you, Blackie,

that working with that guy of yours is really a pleasure.

Are all you Sorrell's as funny as Buddy?

No, my mother was very strict.

She said, you can't all be funny.

Ah, one of you has to be handsome, well.

You made a wise choice.

[chuckles] Actually, we're all handsome in my family,

but Buddy just hides it better than.

I see.

We're all salesmen too.

Buddy sells jokes and I sell real estate.

Hey, you wanna go in business together

and sell funny real estate?

Oh, boy, you're Buddy's brother, all right.

Hey, you know something?

If you're gonna be in town a couple of weeks,

my wife and I would just love to have you come out to the house

and visit us.

You know, we can't offer you much except maybe

some home cooking and some fresh suburban air

and maybe a whole movie or two and, well, maybe a little pool.

Did you, ah--

did you, ah-- did you say pool?

You mean, you have a little pool for waiting, I guess, huh?

No, no, pool, a billiards.

You mean, you've got a pool table?

Yeah, in the basement.

Oh, well.

I'd like to take you up on that sometime.

Maybe I'll give you one of my cards

and give you my phone number. I--

Fine.

What happened to my wallet?

I-- gee, I hope I haven't lost it.

So where'd you have it last?

Well, I had it right here.

I took it out when I-- when I loaned Buddy some money.

Oh, I, um--

Well, let's take a look around for it, Blackie.

Yeah, well, if you're on your way home, I don't--

I don't want to hold you up.

No, no, that's all right.

I, um--

So where were you standing?

Well, I was just everywhere.

I walked over here, I think, and I sat in the chair.

Then I-- look, you're on your way home.

I don't want to hold you up.

But if you live in the suburbs, you probably have a-- have

a big trip ahead of you, hey? - Oh, no.

I go up to New Rochelle.

I make it in about 40 minutes.

New Rochelle, huh?

Ah, hey.

[chuckles] What do you know?

I must ah-- I found my wallet.

I must have dropped it in there. - Oh, wonderful.

Yeah.

So you live in a New Rochelle.

What a coincidence.

Coincidence?

Yes, I have a-- an after dinner business

engagement in Scarsdale.

Is that still near New Rochelle?

[chuckles] Oh, well.

Yeah, they don't move towns that large often.

[chuckles] What's the easiest way to get there?

Well-- well, the easiest way to get

there is for me to drive you.

Would you?

I sure will.

And listen, before your appointment,

why don't you drop by the house and have dinner with us?

I thought you'd never ask.

[laughs] [inaudible] about luck, huh?

That must be a Chinese dish, huh?

Laura, the dinner was just wonderful, I got to tell you.

You-- you boiled Frankfurt is better than my mother.

[chuckles] Thank you.

Well, there's half a hot dog left.

Who gets it?

Blackie?

Well, I'll force myself.

Well, what can we do for you until you

take your appointment tonight?

Um, television or movies, community scene, coffee

or pool?

You-- you really have a pool table, don't you?

Yeah, down in the basement.

Laura gave it to me to keep me off the streets.

[chuckles] Would you like to play?

Well, ah, I'd love to try.

It's been a long time.

OK. You want to join us, honey?

No, no, no.

You two go ahead.

I'll rack up the dishes.

Oh, do you-- do you, ah-- you play pool, Laura?

Not with this one, I don't.

He's a real hustler.

Is he now?

You've heard of Minnesota Fats?

This is Illinois Skinny.

[laughs]

Now you two go ahead.

I'll bring your coffee down to you later.

OK, thanks, honey.

This way, Blackie.

Are you really as good as she says you are?

I'll let my pool cue speak for me.

This way, Pigeon.

Just throw your coat anywhere, Blackie.

Hey, you really got a real professional setup here,

haven't ya?

Oh, yeah.

OK, choose your pool cue.

Oh, it doesn't make any difference to me.

Any one at all will do.

Oh, OK.

Thank you.

What are you doing that for?

Just to see if it's warped or not.

Oh, I see.

Nice, um, round ball, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

I wonder what it's made of.

Gee, I don't know.

Ivory, I think.

Oh, nice and white too.

I bet I know what you're doing that for.

[chuckles] Friction, right? - Right.

BLACKIE SORRELL: Yeah.

I saw that movie with Paul Newman and Jackie Gleason.

Oh, wasn't that great?

Yeah.

Are there really fellows like that who trick other fellows

into playing pool for money?

Oh, yeah, there are guys that make a living at that.

You're, ah-- you're not-- you're not one of them,

are you?

Oh, no, but I could have been.

But my wife won't let me go to a pool hall alone.

[laughs] Oh, boy, what do you want to play?

Well, it makes no difference to me.

Well, how about eightball, do like that?

Eightball, is that where you lose if you knock in the eight

ball before the rest?

That's it. Shall we?

Well--

OK, you break them.

Break them?

Yeah, hit the-- hit the first ball there.

Oh, when you hit the first ball, of course, break them.

I haven't played for some time so you'll have to bear with me.

That's-- you'll catch on.

Yeah, I used to stand like this, I remember.

Then-- and 1 and 2 and--

oh.

Oh, it's that too bad, Blackie.

Try again.

Well, is that allowed?

Well, in a friendly game like this, it is--

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Hey, Blackie, look.

It's either you put that Q in there

and curl it four finger over.

See that?

Gives you control.

Yes, yes.

Yes, you-- you just curl the finger over.

Yeah, that's it.

It gives you a little--

Because your fingers are taller than mine.

Just curl the fingers over like that, huh?

And then kind of go 1, and a 2 and a 3.

[chuckles] I got one in, didn't I?

Yeah, you did.

The only trouble is, Blackie, yep, it was the eight ball.

Oh, that means I lose, doesn't it?

Yeah, [chuckles] it sure does.

Holy smokes, you know what that was?

That was a chance in a million.

I don't believe I've ever seen an eight

ball go in on the break before.

You know something?

You couldn't do that again if you tried?

You know, I could have been pretty good at this

if I hadn't wasted my time as a kid

hanging around the libraries.

What the-- what's the score now, Rob?

Well, I'm afraid I've got your five games to one, Blackie.

Tell me the truth.

You let me win the last one, did you?

I did not.

I played the best I could.

Oh, come on.

No, no kidding, I did.

I tell you, there's only one way to keep honest.

We gotta play the next game for a buck.

No, Blackie, I don't like to play for money.

To tell you the truth, neither do I. As a kid,

we used to play for soda crackers.

Soda crackers?

Yeah, and I was pretty good too.

They used to call me old dry mouth.

I'll tell ya, we'll play for $1 worth of soda crackers,

all right?

LAURA PETRIE: Say fellas, you think you could get along

without me for about a hour?

There's a medical documentary on television I want to see.

It is just as well.

A kid like you doesn't belong in a gambling den anyway.

Gambling?

You playing for money?

No, soda crackers.

Soda crackers?

Yeah, it'll give me the psychological edge

I need to beat him.

Illinois has to be five games to win.

Well, I warned you about him.

Listen, the coffee's right here.

And if you want any more, just, uh, get it yourselves.

Get out of here.

- Cute wife you have, Rob. - No, she isn't.

She just puts that on for company.

Now this is for $1 worth--

this is for $1 worth of soda crackers, right?

All righty.

OK, you're making me feel like a hustler, though.

And 1 and a 2 and a--

ha, here you go.

When I play for soda crackers, I'm invincible.

Oops, I guess it's your turn.

Pretty tough shot, Rob.

Mhm, it sure is.

Well, I'll call a 9 in the corner pocket.

9 in the corner pocket?

Good luck.

[chuckles] Here goes nothing.

Hey, there.

Hey, luck, huh?

You just won yourself $1 worth of soda crackers.

ROB PETRIE: Blackie, I'm afraid I'm

not being a very polite host.

Well, you must admit I played the best game that I could.

Here's your buck. - No, I can't take it, Blackie.

Oh, come on.

You won it fair and square.

I tell you what, you send me a dollar's worth

of soda crackers sometime, OK.

I'll tell you, give me a chance to get even.

We'll play for $2 worth of soda crackers.

[chuckles] OK, but I'm playing under protest.

Like, I don't care how you play, just as long as you play.

MAN (ON TV): What you're about to see

is Dr. Curly making his first penetration into the skull.

Good bye, Dr. Curly.

That's more like it.

No, you won it fair and square.

I swear, I don't--

I don't know how it got so out of hand.

It seemed like a few minutes ago, we were playing for $2.

Yeah, but you won 10 games straight and I owe you $300.

Look, Blackie, let's just forget it and call it even.

No, no, no, a debt is a debt.

I owe you $300.

[knock on door]

Oh, hi, Laura.

Hi, Buddy.

I figured you might come by.

You did?

Come on in.

I didn't.

Blackie, I can't take $300 from you.

You're my friend's brother.

Well, I would take it from you if I won.

Look, let's just forget it.

You don't believe that I'd take it, do you?

No, I don't.

Well, I would and I'll show you how I can prove it.

Sit down.

Buddy, is something wrong?

Laura, I-- I got a big fat guilty conscience.

I thought maybe you could talk me out of it.

Blackie, it's ridiculous.

What, suppose you lose, you'll owe me $900?

Yes, but if I win, you'll owe me $300, and I'd take it.

You're not afraid of me, are you?

Well, no, I'm not afraid.

You're gonna give me a chance to get even, aren't you?

Well, yeah, OK.

Then it's a bet.

Buddy, you're not making much sense.

I mean, I still don't understand what you

have a guilty conscience about.

Well, this afternoon, my black sheep brother came to visit me

and I practically kicked him out of the office.

What do you mean black sheep brother?

$600, hey?

That's right, Rob.

(SIGHS) Well--

Very good.

Oh.

Oh.

OK, your shot, Blackie.

Eh, [clears throat] what-- what are you--

what are you doing there?

Drying my palms.

Well, I mean, where, ah-- where did you get that towel?

Well, I always carry a little with me

for an occasion like this.

Ah, you're a-- you, ah-- yeah.

Yeah.

We-- we shook on the-- on the bet.

Yeah.

I-- I don't suppose you'd care to forget?

No.

I believe it's my turn, Mr. Petrie.

[humming]

All right.

[continues humming]

It's awfully embarrassing, but I--

well, he's an old pool hustler.

Your brother's a pool hustler?

[continues humming]

How could I have been so stupid!

BLACKIE SORRELL: This won't take long, Mr. Petrie.

Come on, let's go get them before Rob loses the house.

Well, they're not playing for money.

I believe this should do it, Mr. Petrie.

Rob.

Rob, he's a hustler.

- So I know, I know. - Hi, Buddy.

- Look, Blackie, now-- - Please, please.

That'll be $300, please.

$300?

All day long, I've been feeling guilty about you.

Now Blackie, why don't you just get out of here?

I'd be glad to, just as soon as I collect my $300.

Are you in a habit of welshing on your debts?

Now he never welshed on anything in his life.

Honey, I know what to say.

I never welsh on anything in my life.

Now if you'd just come over here, I'll write you a check.

Rob, you are not gonna write him a check.

Oh, yes, I am.

But [inaudible] he's a--

I know what he is, but I'm not a welsher.

Rob, will you put that checkbook away?

I'll give him the $300 bucks, anything,

just to get rid of him.

I don't want your money, I want his money.

Well, I deserve it, Buddy.

BUDDY SORRELL: But, Rob.

Listen, I deserve it for being so stupid.

No, I'm-- I'm enjoying this.

I'm enjoying learning a little lesson for a change.

Boy, $300 worth of soda crackers--

Boy, and I went for all that jazz

this afternoon about you becoming legitimate.

It's too bad I couldn't convince you.

Here's your check.

Wait a minute, Blackie, you're not gonna--

Please.

Rob, of all the money I've ever hustled,

this is the most important.

Well, I'm very flattered.

Buddy, I couldn't convince you that I

was legitimate this afternoon.

Oh, you sure couldn't.

I know.

I could have talked all afternoon

and never have convinced you.

I knew that I had to do something that you'd

never expect of me, something that you'd

never seen me do before.

Like what?

Like this.

Rob, for you.

BUDDY SORRELL: Well, I don't get it.

Hey, is this on the level?

Ah, it's another one of his hockey bits.

No, this is on the level.

I'm a legitimate real estate agent.

Oh, sure.

Won't you ever believe me?

All right.

Tell me, what finally made you go straight?

The love of a good woman.

(SIGHS)

Buddy.

Buddy, this is true.

I met her in Rio.

What, you want some violins and guitars in back of the jet?

Look--look, I'm not clowning.

She knew the way I earned a buck.

She knew the whole bit.

We got along pretty good.

She said to me, Blackie, you have a choice.

Either you can go on hustling as you have been,

shaming your family and your friends

or you can marry me and share a wonderful life and my $2.5

million inheritance.

You're kidding.

Here's a picture of the 2 and 1/2 million.

She got 2 and 1/2 million?

That's right.

And you married her?

[chuckles] It's my wife.

You know, she could be a lot uglier for 2 and 1/2 million.

[laughs] And you know what else, Buddy?

I'm gonna pay back every cent I ever took from you.

Look, forget the money.

You want to make me happy?

Make me an uncle.

[inaudible] Look, it's a real thrill.

The first time I've shaken hands with this guy

since he was confirmed.

ROB PETRIE: [laughs] How does it feel?

Hey, wonderful.

I think we ought to make it a habit, huh?

Laura, thank you for the feeding.

Oh, well, uh, thank you for the tearing.

Buddy, what do you say, drive me home?

Sure.

Hey, thanks for taking care of me rich brother.

Don't mention it. I'll see you out.

No, it's all right.

I know the way by now.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Really?

2 and 1/2 million, you sure?

BLACKIE SORRELL: Give or take a few 100,000.

That, ah-- that Blackie sure is a lucky guy.

[chuckles]

How do you figure that?

Well, he's going back to Brazil and to a wife for $2.5

and she's not gonna get all over him

for losing $300 shooting pool.

Is that what you think I'm gonna do to you?

- Oh, yeah. - You're right.

Rob, how could you have been so foolish?

Come on, honey.

Stop that.

We were almost taken in by what could have turned

out to be a real hustler.

Hey, you wanna play some pool?

[interposing voices]

Oh, boy, is that some confirmation?

[chuckles] Your shot, honey.

Oh, my gosh, the "Maltese Falcon."

The what?

The "Maltese Falcon," it's on television.

Honey, you've seen that movie at least a dozen times.

I know, darling, but it has Humphrey Bogart

and I'm always surprised at the ending.

Well, at least finish the pool game with me, will you?

You'll make me play another one, Rob.

I know it.

I promise, just finish this one.

Just this one?

My word.

I wanna see you get out of this.

All right.

I, um-- I believe that finishes the game, Mr. Petrie.

Wait until my mother finds out I married a pool shark.

[theme song]