All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s01e29

♪♪

There, that ought to do it.

You did that good, daddy.

Thank you very much, Rich. Will you please watch

when you track mud in the house from now on?

Okay, daddy, I'll be careful.

Good. We want to keep the room nice and neat.

Is company coming?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, they are.

Will I like the company?

I don't think you know them. Mr. and Mrs. Bermont.

Are they my uncles?

( LAUGHTER ) No, Rich.

Mr. Bermont's the sponsor of the show daddy writes.

So why does the house have to be so clean?

Actually, Mr. Bermont's daddy's boss.

He pays my salary.

Won't Mr. Bermont pay your salary

if the house is dirty?

Of course he will, Rich.

Hey, don't you have something to do?

Can I bring my puzzle in here?

I just told you, we want to keep the room neat.

It's a neat puzzle, daddy.

Oh, please, Rich. Will you do it in your room?

Okay. And put some shoes on.

Okay.

Daddy? Huh?

Do I have to meet Mr. Bermont?

No, you'll probably be asleep my then.

Good. He sounds too clean.

All right, everything you ordered.

Salami, olives, gherkins, herring,

four kinds of cheese.

Honey, you think this is enough?

Rob, there are only the four of us.

I have just spent $28.37

for a bag full of potential leftovers.

Don't worry about leftovers.

I'll eat 'em for breakfast.

I still think we overdid it.

I want to be prepared. Who knows what sponsors like?

Honey, are you sure this is enough stuff?

Rob, if I'd known this was gonna make you so nervous,

I'd never have arranged this dinner, sponsor or not.

I'm not nervous. It's just that Mr. Bermont

looks forward to these dinners with his employees.

I want everything to be right.

It'll be right, darling.

After all, Mr. Bermont is just another man.

He's a very important man, he's my sponsor.

Well, he may be your sponsor,

but he's still a human being. It'll go all right.

Help me unload the rest of the groceries from the car.

Okay.

Surprise!

Laura? Sarge?

Surprise!

Surprise! Oof!

( MUTTERING )

Surprise!

No beer?

Crazy house.

( DOOR CLOSES )

Surprise! Aah!

Sol! Hi, Sarge!

Sol Pomeroy, you--

you son of a gun!

You army buddy, you!

Sarge!

You old yard bird!

What are you doing here?

Driving through on my way to Connecticut.

I says to myself, "sergeant and Laura

would never forgive me if I didn't come over and say hello."

We sure wouldn't have.

Laura, look who's here.

Sol! Laura!

You old son of a gun!

Sol Pomeroy! Hiya, doll-face.

What are you doing here? The last letter we had, you were in Michigan.

I bought myself a partnership

in a garage in Stanford, Connecticut.

Sports cars. Sports cars?

Yeah, nobody drives weapons carriers anymore, sarge.

Same old sol. Let's go into the living room

and sit down and get comfortable.

Oh, Sol, it's good to see you again.

What a nice house. Thank you.

How long can you stay?

I don't have to be in Stanford till Monday,

so I could stay for the weekend, if you can stand me that long.

Sol, we'd love to have you.

You sure? We'll put a rollaway bed in the den.

I don't want to be no trouble.

Sol, you won't be any trouble at all.

We're glad to have you.

Good. I'm glad you're glad.

And this must be Ritchie!

What do you say, Ritchie? Ha ha!

He don't look so neat, daddy.

What kind of manners is that for a kid?

He thought you were somebody else.

Rich, this is my old army buddy Sol.

Put it there, kid.

I got something for you. It's in my car.

Can you get it? Ritchie...

That's not the way we behave, is it?

Yes, it is. Ritchie...

Leave him alone. He's only a kid.

I'll get it, it's in my suitcase.

I got something for you, too.

Can you get it?

Daddy, that's not the way we behave.

Go get it, Sol.

Sarge, I knew you'd have a goofy family.

Come on, Ritchie.

Boy, sure is great seeing you guys.

Come on, Ritchie.

Right over there.

Honey, we've got ourselves a little problem.

What do you mean?

What'll we do about the dinner party?

I'll just set an extra place at the table.

I don't think Sol and Mr. Bermont

are exactly compatible dinner companions.

We'll just have to make the best of it.

Well, here it is.

Let me help you.

What in the wor-- it's my toolbox.

I don't like to leave it in the car.

Somebody might steal it, you know?

Here we go, Ritchie.

Well, what do you say, dear?

I got one.

Ritchie!

Thank you.

I got one. Ritchie!

He's a natural kid. If he's got one, he's got one.

And here's for you and Sarge.

Oh, Sol, you shouldn't have.

And I wrapped it myself.

Isn't that nice?

Well...

Oh. ( GASP )

well, it's--it's--

Isn't that-- Sol, it's just lovely.

We don't even have one, Sol.

Hey! Look at that!

It goes up and down.

Honey, you know what that is?

It's one of those, uh...

It's a beer opener.

Screw it onto your kitchen table,

you'll open 400 beers an hour.

400 beers.

400. An hour.

Comes in handy at a party.

Oh, gee, Sol, thanks a lot.

You can use it tonight, mommy.

Tonight? What's, uh--

We're having a little dinner party tonight.

Really? I'm just in time, huh?

Yeah, just in time.

What kind of bash is it?

Just a quiet little dinner party.

Right, honey? Yeah, just a quiet little dinner party.

Well, don't worry, I'll liven it up.

Who's coming?

My sponsor and his wife.

Oh, your sponsor?

Think he'll bring a couple of free samples?

I don't know, Sol.

We were just planning to eat and talk.

Great. Two of my favorite hobbies--

eating and talking.

I'd better unpack

before my suit gets too wrinkled.

I like to look nice when I eat.

Rich, come on. Give uncle Sol a hand.

Ritchie, show uncle Sol where the den is.

Okay.

Let's go.

Boy, sure is great seeing you guys.

Come on, can't you breathe?

What do you think?

Well, what do you think?

I think I'm a snob.

A snob? Yeah, a snob.

My old army buddy comes to visit me.

Instead of inviting him to dinner, I'm trying to think

of a way to get rid of him.

You're not a snob, darling.

You're just thinking like any good host thinks.

After all, Mr. Bermont and Sol

just aren't ideal dinner companions.

Neither one of them will be very comfortable.

Keep talking, honey. I'm still feeling guilty.

Let me give you a hand with that.

No, Sol, you don't have to do that.

Look, I'm your buddy, ain't I?

So, I think I ought to warn you,

these Bermonts are kind of stuffy people.

What's the matter, you scared I'll be bored?

Yeah, Sol, that's it.

You might have a very, very boring evening.

Don't you worry about that.

Things get boring, good old Sol will liven things up.

I'll play the spoons, you know?

Or I'll do one of my selections on the water glasses.

I'll play, um... Brother Jacques.

In french. ♪ Brother Jacques

♪ Brother Jacques

♪ Dormez-vous, Dormez-vous? ♪

Sounds better with water in there.

Sol, you don't have to do any entertaining tonight.

Hand me those napkins, will you, Sol?

Yeah, here. Thank you.

Hey, Sarge, you put two forks by this setting.

That's a salad fork.

Salad fork? What'll they gonna think of next?

A special fork for lettuce.

What's this? What is this?

It's a shrimp fork, Sol. Shrimp fork?

Heh! I always eat shrimps with a spoon.

You get all the sauce that way, and it don't drip all over you.

Sol? Yeah, Sarge?

Will you put that down a second?

Sol, you and I know each other a long time now.

We're good friends.

Yeah, Sarge, we are.

Well, don't you think that good friends

ought to come right out and say the truth?

Friends understand. Yeah, friends understand.

Well, Sol, this dinner party

is very important to me.

Oh. You want I should wear a tie, right?

No, Sol.

No tie? Good, good.

But this dinner party's been planned for a long time.

Oh, yeah, it looks great.

A dinner party, in order to go right,

has to be, uh, planned. Yeah, yeah, sure.

Well, this party was planned for four.

Four? Hey, it's almost that now. I better go get--

No, Sol, four people.

Yeah?

Well, if you have dinner here,

that'll make five.

Yeah, five.

Well, that's uneven.

Uneven?

Yeah, there's nothing worse

than an uneven dinner party.

Oh, yeah, I hate that.

Oh! Oh, Sarge, I get you.

You don't have to hit Sol Pomeroy on the head.

Ha ha! I got you, Sarge.

Sol, you don't mind? Mind? It's better this way.

Five people at a dinner party is terrible.

Laura: Darling, would you come in here and help me for a minute?

Be right there, honey.

Sarge, can I use your phone a minute?

Help yourself. And thanks for understanding.

Go on, what's to understand?

Crazy guy.

I understand.

( MUTTERING )

Hello, Herman? Hiya. Yeah, Sol Pomeroy.

Listen, I'm staying at a friend of mine's house in New Rochelle.

Well, I'll be there Monday like we planned, Herman.

Fine. Listen, Herman, is your sister there?

Will you put her on please? Okay.

( WHISTLING FRERE JACQUES )

Hello? Arlene? Hiya.

Yeah, it's Sol.

Pomeroy.

Yeah, Arlene, listen, I'm trying to help a buddy of mine out.

He's got himself stuck with an uneven dinner party.

How would you like to come over tonight and make it even?

What? Yes, I-- I'd be your date, yeah.

What's the difference what you're gonna eat?

It's a free meal, Arlene.

Look, you'll be helping me and my buddy out.

Will you please-- oh, you will?

Swell, I'll pick you up in a couple of hours.

Yeah. huh?

Oh, no, no, no. It's, uh--

it's fancy and all that, yeah.

Everybody's got three forks, yeah.

Oh, honey, the table looks beautiful.

And the dinner smells wonderful.

And you--you look more beautiful tonight

than you did... This morning.

Oh. thank you.

Honey, I'm a little bit worried about Sol.

Do you think his feelings were hurt?

No, honey, he'll have more fun tonight with his date

than he would spending an evening with the Bermonts.

I hope so.

I'm sure he will.

You're probably right.

He wouldn't enjoy himself here.

It's the best thing. Sure, it is.

It's absolutely the best thing.

You feel like a heel, too?

No, I feel like a rat.

You know why?

Because you're fond of Sol.

Yeah. And so am I.

( DOORBELL RINGS ) That's the Bermonts.

We'll have to worry about Sol later.

( OVERLAPPING CHATTER )

Come on in. This is Mrs. Bermont.

Mrs. Petrie.

Mrs. Bermont, this is my wife Laura.

We just met. Oh.

Darling, will you take Mrs. Bermont's stole?

Certainly. Thank you.

Won't you come in? Thank you very much.

I hope you didn't have any trouble finding the house.

Oh, no, Mr. Bermont never has any trouble finding anything.

He drove right straight to your door.

29 minutes and 49 seconds.

How was the drive up? Not too much traffic, I hope.

Oh, it was a wonderful drive.

It's good to have the open road under your wheels,

to feel the strong pull of a really good automobile.

You like to drive?

It's my only vice. Ha ha ha!

( LAUGHING )

How about an hors d'oeuvre?

Yes, there's celery hearts there,

and anchovies, liver pate.

We never touch hors d'oeuvres.

Four kinds of cheese.

No, Martha and I

never eat before a meal.

Except for breakfast. What?

Just a family joke. Oh.

How about a drink?

Martha and I don't drink.

I always say that...

Alcohol is too rich for my carburetor.

( LAUGHTER )

Well, there's nothing funny about that.

No. That's not funny.

Pithy, though.

Yes, it is. It's pithy.

By the way, what did you think

of last week's show?

I thought last week's show

was very funny.

Boy, so did I.

If you like slapstick humor.

Well, you can overdo it.

I, of course, like slapstick humor. I love it.

But not on my show. No, not on our particular show.

Not every week. I like it once in a while.

That's me. I like it once in a while.

But generally you both enjoyed the show?

Yes, I did. No, I didn't.

Uh, are you sure you wouldn't care for an hors d'oeuvre?

Or a drink? We don't drink.

Oh. heh heh. Too rich for your carburetor.

( DOORBELL RINGS )

I wonder who that could be.

I don't know.

Oh. ha ha ha!

I'll go see who that could be.

Dinner will be ready in just a few minutes.

Hi, Sarge, I'm here! Hope I'm not late.

Sol! Yeah, see?

You were worried about an uneven dinner party?

Don't worry no more.

This is Arlene.

Hiya, folks.

And she evens it up. Say hello. Hiya, folks.

And you must be Sarge's sponsor.

Hiya. I'm Sol Pomeroy, an old army pal.

And this is Arlene, my friend Herman's sister. Say hello.

Glad to meet you.

How do you do?

You, too, honey.

How do you do, Miss Herman?

No, no, that's Herman's sister.

Oh, Laura, this is Arlene,

my friend Herman's sister.

I brought her to even up the party.

So now we're three even couples, huh?

Right. Nice to meet you.

Sol's told me so much about you.

Let's sit down. You want to sit down?

Let me take that.

Oh, yeah.

Nice dress.

Come on, we'll sit inside there.

Go in there, and I'll--yeah.

Oh, no. I sit next to her, she's my date.

You sit here. I sit there.

( INDISTINCT CHATTER )

There's no room.

Honey, you want to move over a little bit?

Give us a little room.

Yeah, now we can have a little--

a little elbow room and talk a little bit.

What's your first name, honey? Henry!

Henry? They gave you a fella's name?

Henry is my name.

You're both named Henry? That's crazy.

( CLEARS THROAT ) Cute, though.

Sol, would you care for some hors d'oeuvres?

Oh, yeah. Oh, hey, caviar!

I love them little fish eggs.

Mr. Bermont, would you care for some?

No, thank you.

Is that your car parked out front?

Which car do you mean?

Little foreign job. Looks like a...

SR160 Mark III.

Yes, it is.

Who stuck you with that?

Stuck me?!

Why don't I put on, uh,

some nice conversation music?

Music! No, no.

Henry doesn't like music

under conversation.

What do you mean, who stuck me?

Young man, the SR160 is the finest automobile

on the road today?

Ha ha! It's a dog.

The SR160 is no dog.

Okay, it's a lemon, then. Henry, don't you know?

It stalls every time you stop for a light, right?

Well, naturally.

You can't expect a razor-sharp engine like that

not to act up in traffic.

Ha ha ha ha! They told you that

when they sold it to you, right?

You're not the first sucker that guy's roped.

Hey! You haven't met our little boy Ritchie.

We'd love to. He's probably asleep.

Yeah. I'll get him.

What did you mean when you called me a sucker?

There's gotta be suckers, Henry.

That's who buys the SR160s.

I beg your pardon? Why, what'd you do?

I, sir, did not do anything.

Then what are you begging my pardon for?

I thought you were sitting on my coat or something.

Here he is. Isn't he cute?

Oh, he's darling.

But he's asleep. Yeah.

What did you mean when you called me a sucker?

There's some movies of him. He's awake in them.

Sol, can I have some caviar, please?

Oh, yeah, here.

Don't spill any on your dress,

or you'll smell fishy all night.

You want one, Henry?

No, thank you.

What's the matter? You on a diet or something?

Sol!

What's the matter? Oh, it's not polite to mention lady's weight.

Uh, no offense, Henry.

No, no offense.

You ain't fat, Henry, no.

She ain't fat. In fact, she's built pretty good.

Matter of fact, so is your SR160.

What did you mean--

Dinner is served!

Isn't that what you were gonna say, honey?

Yes, I was! Dinner is served.

What are you standing up for, Henry?

Oh, the lady-- stand up.

If you'll all just sit down at the table,

we'll bring in the roast.

All right? All right.

We'll just be a second. Take your time.

We'll entertain the two Henrys.

Sol: Well, eat up, folks...

Honey, what are we gonna do?

What can we do? It's just one of those life situations

that comes along once in a while.

Life situations? I've got to figure out

a way to stretch dinner for four six ways.

Honey, grab two of those glasses, please.

Okay.

All right, start stretching.

Honey, have you got any more lettuce?

No, I don't. We'll have to do it with sauce.

Rob, maybe you ought to go out there and--

And what? Be embarrassed?

The only thing we can do now is weather the storm.

I'll tell you, at least 50% of the guests out there

are having a wonderful time.

Sol and Arlene seem to be enjoying themselves.

You aren't kidding. It's not too big a disaster, really.

Rob! Don't-- oh, sorry!

How could you do that?

I forgot. I didn't mark it.

I'll eat that one. Put sauce on it.

Honey!

Actually, the worst thing that can happen

is that my sponsor and his wife will learn something

about people who aren't exactly in their social sphere.

By gosh, Sol's an unpolished gem.

He may not sound like it,

but under that rough exterior is a real gentleman.

( GUESTS ARGUING )

Sol: Step outside with me,

we'll see who's just what!

I have a feeling underneath that rough exterior

lies a rough interior.

Mr. Bermont: very well, let's step out!

Rob, I think you'd better step outside, too.

Are you coming? No, he's your friend and your sponsor.

I'll stay here and roll bandages.

Let's step outside.

Dinner's almost ready, gang.

Just because you're a sponsor and you're rich

don't mean you know more than me.

Sol, Mr. Bermont's my guest.

So what am I, your relative?

It is all right, Petrie. You don't have to protect me.

I can hold my own with this gentleman.

Who are you calling a gentleman?

Try this awful-smelling cheese.

It's delicious.

Are we going outside or aren't we?

Yeah.

Henry, why are you so stubborn?

Why must you always step outside?

Keep out of this, my dear. It does not concern you.

This man has challenged me!

And you accepted. So come on.

Wait, there must be a better way to settle the argument.

There is no other way to settle it. Shall we?

After you, MR. Big Shot. Sol!

Petrie! You keep out of this!

Can't back out now, Sarge.

Are they really gonna fight?

They're making noises like they're gonna fight.

No, no, they won't fight.

Try one of these crazy green things. They look awful,

but they taste delicious. No.

Rob, do something.

Uh...

Mommy! Mommy!

Ritchie, what are you doing out of bed?

You're supposed to be asleep.

The television's on too loud!

I'll turn it down, dear.

What program are you watching?

( ARGUING AND CLATTER )

It's an adult western.

Where's the television?

It's outside! Now go to bed!

Men are so silly, aren't they?

They're just like children.

Does your Henry get into fights like this often?

Often enough.

Who do you think will win? I don't know.

I don't care.

You don't care?

After 35 years of "let's step outside",

who cares?

( SHOUTING CONTINUES )

They're out there fighting!

Mr. Bermont, are you all right?

Certainly not. I'm hurt.

Ritchie: Mommy! The television's on too loud!

All right, dear, I'll turn it down.

Honey, get some ice for Mr. Bermont.

Can I help you?

Out of my way, let me alone!

What did you do, Henry?

Hit your head on the hood again?

Yes, I did.

Oh, Mr. Bermont, here you are.

What happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

I was right,

and your husband's starter was ruined.

Tell her, Henry, come on.

Yes, it's true.

But I never would've believed it.

All the master mechanics at the plant said that nothing could be done.

What couldn't be done? Rob, why did you let them fight?

They weren't fighting. They were arguing

about superchargers and carburetors.

Well, let's call it a difference of opinion.

Let's call it I was right and you was wrong.

And let's also admit that nobody

ever adjusted your carburetor

and made a needlepoint adjustment

on your supercharger like I just did.

Will you admit that, or will you get stubborn again?

All right, I will admit it.

And I'll also admit that the motor

has never run better.

This man is an amazing mechanic.

Told you that 100 times, Henry.

Well, I'm hungry. How's dinner coming?

Ready when you are. Well, hank, let's wash up.

Or are you gonna eat with that dirty hand?

After you, Sol. Here's a little present for you.

Thank you.

( PIANO PLAYING )

You know something, Rob? You're a very lucky man. Why?

'cause you don't have to eat caviar for breakfast.

Sol and Arlene finished it.

♪ You wonderful you

♪ I'm glad I found you

Rob, we did it 12 times for the Bermonts.

Oh, honey, this one's for me.

One more time? Come on. All right.

♪ Remember

♪ Finders keepers

♪ Losers weepers

♪ And because that's true

♪ You're mine now

♪ You wonderful you

Why did you mess up my hair?

I like to.

♪♪