All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s01e13

♪♪

Red knight on the black ten.

Oh. Thanks.

Hey, Rob, how about having a poker game at your house this week?

Fine with me. Does that mean...

If we play at your house, Laura will play?

Sure. Ah, forget.

I don't play poker with females.

Yeah, me, neither.

How many we got now?

There's Rob, you and me.

Yeah, that's right. We could use four more.

How about if we call-- ( KNOCK ON DOOR )

Sally, will you get that? Yeah, sure.

Oh, hi, Mel. Sally.

Well, Judge Crater returns.

Sally, this was left in my office by mistake

with a note from the repairman that it works fine now.

Thanks for bringing it in.

Mel, how about a poker game Thursday night?

Fine. Who are the players gonna be?

No women, I hope. Nah.

No, just Buddy, me and Sally.

Count on me.

Excuse me, Rob.

Do we have to have him play?

At least that's one pigeon we're sure of.

Hey, Buddy, give me a hand.

Very funny. Now, will you help me, please?

Come on, you're stronger than I am. Do it yourself, Mac.

Thanks very large.

Let's see, we got four now.

Snappy service, lunchtime!

Which of you guys is paying?

That's the second time in three days.

I'm beginning to feel like a sugar daddy.

Okay, here you are, sport.

Buy yourself something foolish.

Thanks, pop.

( TELEPHONE RINGS )

Hello? Oh, hi, Laura.

Yeah, he's here. Just a minute. It's Laura.

Oh. Hi, Laura.

Hi, honey.

Yeah, that was Buddy.

Fine.

They're right here. I'll ask them.

Hey, Laura's got this tremendous leg of lamb.

She wants to know if you'll come over for dinner tonight.

With or without mates?

With or without mates? With.

That lets me out.

No, Sal, she means "mate"

in a general sense, like date.

I can't call a fella at the last minute for a date.

Laura doesn't care if you come alone.

Honey, you don't care if Sally comes stag.

She wants to talk to you.

I'll get out of here. It's like Grand Central Station.

Hi, Laura.

Gee, I'm sorry I'm such a deadbeat.

But--

you have?

The brother of a friend?

Well, I don't know.

Before I accept a date with anyone,

I gotta know a little more about him.

Like what? Well, like, uh...

Where does he live and what time does he want me to call for him?

I still think Ted ought to be calling for Sally.

Why, honey? As she said,

she goes right by his place on her way here.

If he had to pick her up,

he'd have to go out of his way.

I suppose so, but--

Ritchie, put that down. You'll spoil the design.

The design? Yes, we want the company

to see how pretty it looks.

Oh, I didn't know it was for looking.

I thought it was for eating.

It is, dear-- but after everyone's seen it.

Oh. I think it'll look nice without that one.

Ritchie.

Without that one. Ritchie!

Rob, will you do something with this boy?

Sure. Yeah, boy.

If y'all don't pay no mind to your ma,

you're going to bed without your caviar hors d'oeuvres.

Now, git, young'un!

( DOORBELL RINGS )

You can start the party! Buddy's here!

Hi!

You look wonderful. I know.

Hi, aunt Pickles! Hi, uncle Buddy!

Hi, Ritchie! How's the boy?

Ooh, I hope we're not late.

No, right on time. Are we the first ones here?

I bet we're first again.

We're not first. Rob and Laura are here.

Oh, yeah, good. I hate to be first.

Yeah.

How's, uh-- how's the Indians

and the cowboys and everything?

Ritchie, I brought you some chocolate cigarettes.

Thanks, aunt Pickles. You're welcome.

Buddy, why is it you're always on time for parties

and always late for work?

I'd be on time for work if you had Laura down there

with some of that world-renowned cooking.

Well, aren't you the flatterer?

Don't be so flattered. If you had to live on Pickles' cooking,

you'd think hard-boiled eggs were a delicacy.

Buddy, that's not very nice. Pickles, sit down.

It may not be nice, but it's the truth.

Go ahead, honey. Tell them what a terrible cook you are.

Well, my mother's known as the worst cook in the whole neighborhood,

and she taught me everything she knows.

Boy, you haven't lived

till you've tried her boiled steaks.

With hot water sauce.

Buddy, I'm sure you're exaggerating.

No!

Only time we have home cooking

is when it's somebody else's home.

Hey, how about eating something?

Sally's not here yet.

Buddy, I'd like to ask you a question.

Do you agree with Rob that it's all right

for Sally to call for her date?

Sure, why not?

Then you think it's all right

for a girl to call for a man?

Oh, no, no.

So? So what?

So why did you say it was all right

for Sally to call for her date?

What's that got to do

with a girl picking up a fella?

Really, Buddy.

Mommy! He's taking one!

No, I'm not!

Buddy, it's all right. Go right ahead and have one.

( DOORBELL RINGS )

( OVERLAPPING CHATTER )

Hi, Sally.

( OVERLAPPING CHATTER )

Mr. and Mrs. Sorrell, this is Ted Harris.

Mr. Sorrell, how do you do? Mrs. Sorrell.

Make that "Buddy".

You can call me "Pickles", okay?

Pickles. That's an odd name.

I never heard anybody called Pickles before.

Yes, it is a strange name.

But my real name is Fiona.

And in my neighborhood, everybody named Fiona

is called Pickles.

Were there many Fionas in your neighborhood?

Just me.

Don't try to figure it out. Just believe her.

Aunt Sally, can I have a horsey ride?

You want a horsey ride?

Come on there, cowboy. Let's go.

I'll give you a horsey ride.

Ritchie, I think it's time for bed.

After aunt Sally gives me a horsey ride.

Ritchie, you might hurt aunt Sally.

Rob, will you tell Ritchie to go to bed?

Honey, if you're worried about Sally's back,

forget it. She's as strong as a bull.

Rob!

Ritchie, say good night to everyone

and go to bed. Okay, mommy.

Good night, Ritchie. Good night.

Here, let me help you.

That's all right. Didn't you hear Rob?

I'm as strong as a bull.

( INDISTINCT CHATTER )

My, don't you look pretty tonight.

Oh, thank you.

You do, too, Pickles. But I meant Sally.

I do? Yes, I love your hair that way.

It looks so soft and feminine.

Don't you think so, Ted?

Oh, yes, it's very becoming, Sally.

You really like it? Very becoming.

Why not? After three hours, you become becoming.

You should've seen me before I went to the beauty parlor

and became becoming. You'd have been be-going.

( LAUGHTER )

Listen, my hair was flying out like this.

You've never seen anything like this.

( INDISTINCT CHATTER )

Sally, I could use a little help in the kitchen.

Oh, sure, I'd be happy to help you.

You know, Sally's quite an excellent cook.

Oh, is she? Yeah, Sally's quite a girl.

Oh, Laura.

I'll second that.

She can tell a joke

as good as any man.

Really? No, not really.

Rob: Oh, yes, she can, honey.

Sal, tell him the one

about the two drunks in central park.

That's a dandy. I really could use some help.

What do you need done?

Well, some water glasses need filling.

That's one of the few things Pickles can help you with.

Oh, I'd be glad to.

Say, do you put the ice cubes in before or after?

Before.

Oh, good. so do I.

Okay, ladies. In the kitchen.

We guys are gonna stay out here

and tell some stories.

Go ahead, Sal. Okay.

I'll tell the two drunks in Central Park, right?

These two drunks are in central park,

and they go into the zoo.

They're standing in front of the lion's cage.

All of a sudden, one of the lions lets out a big roar.

One of these-- "Roar! Roar!"

And one drunk turns to the other and says,

"Hey, let's get out of here."

The other one says, "You can't leave now.

The picture just started."

What'd I tell you?

Isn't that a knee-slapper?

Can't she tell a joke as good as any man?

Oh!

( ALL CHATTERING )

Come on, Ted. I'll drive you home.

Good night. Good night.

Good night, Sal.

You know something, honey?

You are a great little hostess.

Don't talk to me.

I take it all back. You're not a great little hostess.

Rob, how could you? How could I what?

Don't play innocent. You know what "how could you".

How dare you?

How dare I? What happened to "how could you"?

All right, if you're gonna make jokes...

I'll stop making jokes if you tell me what's bothering you.

How dare you treat Sally like that?

Like what?

Like one of the boys.

Honey, what's the matter with that?

Just one little thing.

She's not a boy, she's a girl.

Of course she is. I know that.

You certainly don't act it.

What do you want me to do, hug her and kiss her

every time I see her?

I'm not asking you to hug or kiss her.

I'm simply asking you not to announce

in front of a potential boyfriend, in a loud, clear voice,

that she's as strong as a bull.

Or for your charming and lovable friend Buddy

to tell everyone how she almost beat the delivery boy

in hand wrestling.

Well, honey, I-- and after dinner,

when you included her when you said, "All right, fellas,

let's go into the den for brandy and cigars."

Well, she went, didn't she?

Well, Rob, after spending a day

with you two treating her like that,

she forgets herself that she's a girl.

She'll probably never see Ted again,

and she's got you two lovable stinkers to thank for that.

Could you hand me those dishes, please?

I'm sorry, honey. I really am.

But you know how fond I am of Sal.

I don't know. Sitting in an office all day together, working,

you kind of lose your awareness of people as people.

I couldn't tell you right now what color Buddy's eyes are.

Well, that doesn't hurt Buddy.

But forgetting that Sally is a girl

has hurt her very much.

Yeah. Boy, when you're right, you're right.

I tell you what-- starting tomorrow,

I'm gonna make Sir Walter Raleigh look like a boor.

Well, don't overdo it, or she'll think you're ribbing her.

See if you can inject a little of Sir Walter into Sir Buddy.

Yeah. No, honey, we'd better leave him out of this.

You know Buddy. Everything's jokes.

He'll start pouring water on the floor

so he can throw his coat down for her to walk on.

You may be right.

Don't worry. I shall be gallant enough for two.

Rob, don't joke about it.

Just remember that Sally is a girl.

Don't worry, I'll remember. Starting tomorrow,

I'll make it my personal responsibility

to tell the whole world that Sally is a girl.

Morning, Rob. Hi, Sal.

Oh, morning, Sally!

Gee, you look wonderful today. Oh, thanks.

Have a chair.

Not just yet, thanks.

Hey, sure was a nice party at your house last night, Rob.

Oh, thanks. How did things go

with you and Ted after you left?

Well, things didn't, but he did. Oh?

Yeah, in his rush to get out,

he almost broke the hinges on my car door.

You know, somehow I got the impression I wasn't his type.

Too bad, 'cause he sure was mine.

Oh, well. Easy come, easy go.

Let me help you with that, Sal.

Thanks.

Hey, what's the matter? Sally break her arm or something?

She didn't break her arm.

Hey, Sal, you smell good today. I do?

Why not? The best bay rum money can buy.

Bay rum! That's very funny.

I don't think that's so funny.

Maybe it's a little early. I didn't get warmed up yet.

You hear the one about the two guys who got off a bus--

what do you say we cut the jokes

and get some work done around here?

Yeah, forget the jokes.

We gotta write a comedy show.

No funny stuff.

Sally, will you get the typewriter out? Oh, sure.

Oh, excuse me! I'll get it.

Ah, here we are.

Sit down, Sal.

All right, what's the gag?

All I know is, I'd check my accident policy before I sat down.

Sit down.

Okay, I give up.

Did I get a raise or did I get fired?

A gentleman always helps a lady with her chair.

Guess there's a first time for everything.

Uh, Sal, you know, you have wonderful taste.

That's a beautiful blouse you're wearing.

You like it? It's yours!

No, Sally, I really mean it.

What's with all the compliments all of a sudden?

I think it's time we appreciated

having a bright, attractive girl around the office.

Yeah, when is she gonna start work here?

Very funny, Buddy. I think I'll use that

in next week's show. I like that.

I don't think that was very funny.

Why don't we get down to business now?

Okay.

Wait, I'll get that.

Oh.

What a lovely hand.

Allow me.

Oh, I guess there's no one here yet.

Mel! Mel, wait a minute.

I gotta talk to you.

I do not speak to you.

I know, and don't think I don't appreciate it, curly.

Please, just give me a minute.

It's important. It's about Rob.

What about Rob?

Look...

I--I'm sorry. I promise, no baldy jokes

if you just listen to me, okay?

What about Rob?

Well, have you noticed

something funny going on around here?

No, and that includes the scripts.

I thought we had a truce.

All right, what's this something funny going on?

It's about Sally and Rob.

Where do you think they are now?

How do I know? Out to lunch!

Well, what's funny about that?

I'm not with them, am I?

When I said I'd like to go along,

Rob says, "Oh, no. Two's company. Three's a crowd."

I guess sometimes your best friends will tell you.

You don't understand. He invited her.

Like a fella invites a girl.

Like a fella invites a girl?

Yeah, you know, uh... "Would you care

to have lunch with me today, doll-face?"

Who said that, he or she?

He said it! Just like Sally was a girl or something.

Oh, it must've been a practical joke.

No, there have been other things,

like holding her chair for her.

Nine times last week, he lit her cigarette.

Twice, he admired her dress,

and three times, her legs.

He did? He did.

Do you think that Sally and Rob--

Oh, it couldn't be. That's ridiculous.

What else?

Well, why, after all these years of working together?

You know how it is. Sometimes a guy

can't stand the sight of yogurt.

All of a sudden, one look--

pshh! Whipped cream.

You think this is serious? I know it is.

All right, you've got to do something about it. You talk to him.

Talk to him? I think he's too far gone for that.

Besides, he's the head writer.

I can't tell him to stop hanky-pankying around

and go back to his wife.

You certainly can talk to Sally.

All right, I'll talk to Sally when they come back.

But you get Rob out of the room.

Here they come now.

( LOUDLY ) And as far as I'm concerned, curly,

you don't ever have to come around this office!

Don't tell me you two are at it again.

Aw, fellas, don't spoil it.

We had such a lovely lunch, didn't we, Rob?

It wasn't the lunch that was lovely, it was the company.

Oh, thank you, Rob.

I'll just get some water...

For our little bouquet here.

Aren't they beautiful?

Rob bought them for me from a little old flower lady.

There we are.

Oh, thank you.

There. It was so wonderful.

Allow me. Thank you.

Rob, I wonder if I could talk to you about next week's script.

Sure, what about it?

In my office.

Oh, all right.

Thank you, Rob.

We'll just be a minute.

What's the matter with the show? You already read the script.

Sally? Yeah?

Oh, boy, I never thought

I'd have to do a thing like this in my life.

I don't know how to say it. Say what?

Sally, you've gotta give him up.

Him? Yeah, him.

I got a "him"?

Yeah, you got a "him".

Why am I always the last one to know?

Come on, Sally, I know what's going on.

Look, I don't know who "him" is, but whoever "him" is,

if I got him, wild horses couldn't make me give him up.

Will you stop playing games with me?

You can't do this to her.

Her? Her.

My "him" has got a "her"?

You know he has.

Well, there's my luck for you.

I lost him, and I don't even know who he is.

Come on, don't play little Miss Innocence with me.

We can't do this to Laura.

I don't--Laura?

Come on, Sally.

She's the "her"?

Then Rob's the--huh?!

You think Rob and--

Yes, and Mel thinks so, too.

He does? Yeah, and so does everybody else

who's seen Rob buzzing around you the last few days.

You think Rob has a--

a crush on you, yeah.

Personally, I don't understand it.

But that's not my problem. It's your problem,

and you gotta do something about it. Like what?

Like telling Rob he's gotta do something about it.

Unless you want to break up a happy marriage.

You think I could come between Laura and--

No, I don't, but evidently Rob does.

Now, you've gotta do something about it before it's too late.

Yeah, yeah.

Good, Sally. Believe me, you're doing the right thing.

What's the matter with Mel?

He took me all the way to his office

to tell me what a good writer I am. What's bothering him?

I don't know. Well, see you later, fellas.

Buddy, you don't have to leave on my account.

Rob and I don't have any secrets, do we, Rob?

Uh, no.

Thanks a lot, Rob.

I'll see you later.

What--what-- what's with her?

To me, it looks a lot like love.

Love?

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

Hi, honey. Hi, hon.

Congratulations. You did it.

What did I do?

You remember you said that the only thing

that could make Sally feel like a woman

is having to think another man was in love with her?

Yeah. Well, it's happened.

Oh, Rob, isn't that wonderful?

See? I told you if you just treat her like a girl,

everything would work out just fine.

Who's the lucky fella?

Me.

Oh. Well, that's terrible. How did it happen?

How did it happen? I did what you told me to do.

I treated like a female.

I held her chair for her, I lit her cigarette for her,

and I told her she smelled good.

Now I think she's in love with me.

Sally's in love with you? Yeah.

And she thinks I'm in love with her.

What are you gonna do about it?

If I'm gonna do the decent thing, I'll have to marry her.

Stop over-dramatizing.

Over-dramatizing? You wouldn't think I was over-dramatizing

if you'd seen the look on her face when she kissed me.

She kissed you?! Yes, she kissed me.

Where? Right in the office.

Why would she do a thing like that?

Because I'm irresistible.

Because I treated her like a woman.

Are you satisfied now, honey?

You've taken a perfectly happy marriage--

we are having a happy marriage, aren't we? Very.

Yes, you've taken a very happy marriage

and turned into a very unhappy triangle.

Oh, Rob. ( DOORBELL RINGS )

Buddy and Sally and I had a perfect working relationship

until you tried to improve it.

You've got me in a position where I can't even go into the office.

How am I gonna face that kid?

Every time I look at her, I'll feel like a heel.

What am I gonna say to her?

Hi, Sal!

Oh, you're home.

( STAMMERING )

You are home? Oh, yes. Come in, Sal.

Come on in, Ted. They're home.

Hi, Rob. Hi, Laura.

We were just passing by on our way to dinner,

and we thought we'd drop in and say hello.

Fine, sit down. Oh, thanks.

How--how-- how'd you two--

Well, it's a very funny story.

You see, Rob-- ( LAUGHS )

Well, why don't you tell them, Ted?

You say things so much better than I do.

Yes, well, I was sitting around in my apartment,

and suddenly the doorbell rings.

I said to myself, "Who could that be?"

I open the door. Sally.

Seems her car had stalled right in front of my house.

Right in front of your house.

Luckily, I remembered where Ted lived.

Luckily for me, she remembered where I live.

Anyway, you should've seen her, all in a dither

about not being able to start the car.

Naturally, she came to me for help.

Yes, and he spotted the trouble immediately.

It was really nothing. I opened the hood,

and all that had happened was that one of the terminals

had jumped off the, uh--the--the--

distributor cap.

That's right, the distribu--

How'd you know that?

Well, you told me. Don't you remember?

I mean, how am I supposed to know

about all those mechanical biddly-boos that go in a car?

( LAUGHING ) Biddly-boo!

Isn't that just like a woman?

Biddly-boos. Biddly-boos.

Ted?

That's the first time I ever heard a distributor cap

called a "biddly-boo".

Just like a woman.

Then you knew about it all along.

Sure. What do you think I am, a dummy or something?

Why else would you be doing the Sir Galahad bit

if it wasn't Laura's idea?

Why did you let me go on with it?

I liked it.

Besides, a lunch saved is a lunch earned.

Then you knew all along

that Buddy was wrong about us. Sure.

But the fact that he could believe it.

And Mel! It's just like my mother always says--

if two people say you're sick, lie down.

If those two experts could think me enough of a female

to interest a guy like you,

I couldn't let 'em down, could I?

Besides...

Suddenly I felt like a woman.

How do you like those guys?

Both of them really bel--

Uh, honey...

We'll let Laura have Ritchie

if she'll let us have the Hi-Fi set.

Oh, of course, sweetheart.

Uh, can I have the insurance

transferred to my name?

Anything you say, sweetheart.

What about the wedding?

We'll have Mel as best man,

and Buddy can be our little flower girl.

Do you mind closing the door?

We'd like a little privacy.

♪♪