All language subtitles for The Dick van Dike Show S04_E32

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

It's in here somewhere.

Laura picked it out herself.

- What are you looking for? - There it is.

There's what I'm getting Laura.

Oh.

You're getting her a blizzard in Tibet?

Buddy, the fur coat in the ad.

Oh. Oh.

Well, that's good. It's cold in Tibet.

Oh, gosh, Rob.

That's beautiful.

But what's the occasion?

It's not really an occasion.

It's kind of a pact we made.

It sounds crazy.

We call it our No Holiday In Particular Holiday.

Oh, that sounds great.

Must be a little rough getting a greeting card for it.

[laughing] - Yeah.

You know, there are enough holidays every year

where you have to give somebody a present.

Christmas and anniversaries, birthdays and everything.

And you always worry about giving the other guy something

as good as he gives you.

Yeah.

Last year, I was so embarrassed.

My cat gave me a better present than I gave him.

BUDDY: How could that be?

I bought him a cheap leather collar,

and he gave me a beautiful dead mouse.

[laughing]

You're kidding, but that's exactly what I mean.

We decided once a year for no reason whatsoever,

we'd buy each other a nice gift with no pressures

and no competition.

Oh, I think that's sweet.

Pretty expensive gift, but Laura needs a new coat.

$500 for a coat?

What kind of fur is it?

Uh, let's see.

What is it here?

Nutria dyed raccoon--

BUDDY: Whatria? - Nutria.

Nutria.

It sounds like a vitamin pill.

Nutria.

It-- it comes from South America.

It's a fur kind of like a--

like a beaver. - Oh.

You just can't keep up with those new animals.

[laughing]

$500 for a coat.

Wow.

That's a lot of money for me.

I think that's too much, Rob.

I could get it for you wholesale.

[scatting]

No, thanks, Buddy.

I'll-- I'll buy it myself.

I'll save you a lot of money.

[scatting]

No, I'd-- I'd rather not, Buddy.

Believe me.

I'll get you a great buy.

[scatting]

What is this medley I'm getting?

Saved again, Buddy.

- What's saved? - You know.

What do I know?

You and your wholesale deals.

Any time anybody buys anything, you always

say, why didn't you call me?

I could have gotten it for you wholesale.

Rob, do I always say that?

Yeah, Buddy, you always say that.

SALLY: Yeah, and especially to me.

When did I say it especially it you?

Oh, let's see.

Uh, my washing machine, my hair dryer, my TV set,

and my orthopedic mattress.

Hey, when'd you get an orthopedic mattress?

- Last week. - Why didn't you call me?

I could have gotten-- - You see?

You see?

Well, with Rob, I promised to get him the fur coat

wholesale before he bought it.

Buddy.

Buddy, I love you.

I love you very, very much.

It's just that in all these years,

I've never seen you actually get a bargain for anybody.

It's just talk, talk, talk.

All right. You through?

Will you step aside, please?

Be my guest.

I'm going to get you that South American rat fur coat.

Now wait a minute.

Buddy, I don't want you do.

500 bucks.

I'll save you at least 200.

Hey, Rob.

Rob, call his bluff. - What kind of bluff?

All these years, you've been thinking that I

can't get stuff wholesale.

Oh, correction, sir.

I haven't been thinking it.

I've been saying it.

Buddy, look, let's just forget it.

I'll buy it retail.

Will you stay out of this?

This is between me and Sally.

Good.

Because I don't want to get mixed

up in any sneaky, shady deals.

[hitting table]

I never made a sneaky or shady deal.

Yeah, that's because you never made anybody any kind of a deal

yet. - Give me that phone.

I'll show you. - All right.

Who are you calling now, big shot?

I got a friend of mine works in a fur warehouse.

And he'll set up everything.

Buddy, I don't want to get in on one of those deals.

Look, you want to save money, don't you?

Hello, is Mike there?

Oh, would you get him to the phone, please?

Buddy, you sure they'll be no shifty business?

No sneaking around?

Everything will be open and aboveboard.

Hello, Mike?

This is Tony Morello.

Tony Morello?

Well, this is the place.

I still feel kind of foolish coming in here.

Look, Rob, when I tell you you'll get a coat wholesale,

you get it wholesale.

Oh, hello, if you're looking for the new line,

you just go right through that door.

No, we're looking for Mr. Vallani.

Uh, which Vallani?

Vito, Mario, Marcello, Angelo, or Nunzio?

The one who knows Mike Riley's cousin.

Uh, Rudy with the bushy eyebrows?

No.

Marty.

Oh, Marty with the wart.

With you being a friend of Rudy's, we thought maybe

you can help my friend, Rob.

Who's Rob?

I'm, uh, Rob.

I'm just a friend of Buddy's.

Who's Buddy?

Me.

Oh.

You're Tony Morello.

Yeah.

Well, I'm Nunzio.

Hi.

Yeah, they called me.

I know all about your coat.

I'll tell you what.

You just wait here.

I'll go get it out of cold storage.

OK?

Well, huh?

He sure is nice to do-- go to all that trouble for somebody

he doesn't even know.

Why not?

He's a friend of Marty's.

I think it's Rudy, isn't it?

- Oh, excuse me. - Oh.

Nice place you got here.

If you don't have to sweep it up.

What's he so happy about?

There we are.

That's it.

That's the coat. - Oh, boy.

What did I tell you? [whistling]

Beautiful.

Isn't that a beautiful thing?

Oh, shh, shh.

Huh?

That's my brother, Angelo.

He's the boss. - Well, uh, look.

I don't want to get you in any trouble.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

He's a little deaf, thank goodness.

I'll tell you what.

[clearing throat]

You just pretend that you're buying 10 coats.

He'll think you're a retailer.

What, 10 coats?

Wait a minute, Rob.

You don't have to buy 10.

You know, it's just the way they do it.

You just-- you only get one.

Yeah, come on.

Just play it up for my brother. (LOUDLY) What do you say,

Zatina?

Who?

Just make believe that you're from Zatina's.

Tell me you want 10 coats.

I want 10 coats.

A little louder.

(LOUDLY) I want 10 coat.

Right, an order of 10, Mr. Zatina.

(QUIETLY) Uh, ask me if there are

any belly skins on the coats.

Oh, are there any, uh-- (LOUDLY) are there any

belly skins on-- on the coats?

You should know better than to ask a question like that.

The House of Vallani sells only quality merchandise.

We wouldn't think of using the worst part of the pelt.

(QUIETLY) Tell me you want delivery by Friday.

I want delivery by Friday.

Friday?

You're crazy!

(QUIETLY) I can take it Monday.

It doesn't--

No, no, don't apologize.

Yell.

(LOUDLY) OK.

I want-- I want, uh, delivery by Friday.

Or-- or no deal.

OK.

No deal.

What-- did I-- did I act too good?

Don't ask me.

I'm still working on why the belly is the worst part.

You know, with lox, it's the best part.

Listen.

Mr. Zatina, it's a deal.

Now let's consider your wife's size while Angelo

is, uh, busy inside.

Oh, boy.

I'm not sure.

Well, look.

You know, we can't tell a coat without something to go by.

Well, I don't know.

She's about-- about this height, dark.

She-- uh, hey, he looks something like my wife.

Him?

Him?

And you're buying her a coat?

Well, no, I mean, she's about the same height and everything.

Hey, uh, Emil.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, try this on.

What did you say?

Come on. Come on.

The man wants to see it on you.

You want to see the coat on me?

Uh, yeah.

You in show business?

Yeah.

I don't go for that.

He's a crazy old man.

Don't pay any attention to him.

I'd still like to get an idea of the size.

You know, wholesale, no returns.

I wore Laura's raincoat once when it was raining.

I took it by mistake.

And the sleeves came right about here

on me, because that much of my suit got soaked.

Let me try it on.

Sure, sure.

Here.

- I may be able to tell. - Yeah, sure.

Where those sleeves hit.

Your wife's going to love this.

Let's see.

Well, that-- by gosh, that feels about right.

How's it look?

Like the sweetheart of Sigma Chi.

Gee, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you go over to the mirror,

take a look in the mirror, and see if you can

tell where it'll come on her.

OK.

Does your mother know you're doing this?

I-- it's-- it's for a girl.

I mean, for my wife.

I was wearing her raincoat.

Look, I-- uh, this might be all right,

but I think I better bring my wife in and have her try it on.

Oh, no, that would be kind of rough with Angelo around.

Well, look.

Even if it costs you a few bucks for alterations,

you're still going to save a bundle.

Isn't that right?

Well, for a friend of a friend of Rudy's, 300 bucks.

No more than 250.

OK.

That's half of retail.

Yeah, and Sally thought I was all talk.

OK. I'll have it sent.

- Should I write you a check? - Oh, no.

No, no, no.

Uh, just mail it to us.

When it comes to my home?

It doesn't go to your home.

It doesn't?

No, no.

This is sent to Forest Hills, Long Island.

I got to go to Long Island to get the coat?

Well, yeah.

Ask me if I understand.

Do you understand?

No, sir.

You mean, we pay for 11 coats?

Honey, don't be silly.

It's just like an over-shipment.

That's all.

You go to the fur salon in Forrest Hills.

You tell them you're Nunzio's wife.

Now, a guy there knows about it.

They know you're not Nunzio's wife.

Well, then why do I say I'm Nunzio's wife?

To identify yourself.

OK. OK.

I'm Nunzio's wife.

Now, who's Nunzio?

He's the guy at the warehouse.

I thought he was Tony Morello.

Honey, Buddy is Tony Morello.

I'm Mr. Zatini.

You are Mrs. Vallani.

Wait a minute.

What's Nunzio's last name?

Vallani.

Oh, well, then I'm Mrs. Vallani.

Who's Rudy?

He's got a wart.

That's all I know.

I don't think he's even going to come

up in a conversation, honey.

Darling, I don't think I can go through with this deception.

Honey, what deception?

All you've got to remember is that you're Nunzio's wife.

You're Mrs. Vallani.

You're a good friend of Tony Morello.

Now what could be simpler?

Almost anything.

Here you are, Nettie.

Wear it in the best of health.

And say hello to Sy for me.

Goodbye, Nettie.

[inaudible]

Ballini.

Mrs. Ballini.

No, no.

It's Mrs. Vallani.

I'm Mrs. Vallani.

Oh, Millie, I don't know if I can go through with this.

Don't be so nervous.

You'll only be Mrs. Ballini for a couple of minutes.

Vallani.

Vallani, you're right.

Oh, look at all the money you've saved.

And look at those coats.

Oh, Millie, I just don't like anything about this.

Where is your spirit of adventure?

It's so much fun.

I'll be your friend, Maria.

Two Italian girls on the town.

I think you've seen too many foreign movies, Millie.

Maria.

Maria.

I always wanted to be called Maria.

Now, may I help you?

Oh, yes.

I'm supposed to pick up a coat.

It's, uh, nutria dyed--

The name, please?

Uh, Mrs. Vallani.

Uh, Nunzio's wife.

You must be Ann.

I must be-- yeah, Ann I am.

No, I am Ann.

Yes.

Uh, how do you do?

I'm Opal Levinger.

How do you do?

I'm Maria, but everybody calls me Millie.

I'm pleased to meet you.

Nunzio's wife, for goodness sake.

He talks about you all the time.

LAURA: Oh?

I haven't seen him in weeks.

You dyed your hair.

I dyed-- uh.

Sure, you did.

I helped her.

Nunzio was so proud of his blonde bombshell.

Well, now I'm, uh, uh, this color.

But she's still a bombshell.

Oh, yes.

Uh, did Nunzio call to say I was coming?

No, I haven't spoken to Nunz.

Well, uh, Nunz said she was supposed to pick up a coat

that was sent here by mistake.

Well, maybe Mr. Garnett knows.

Why don't you ladies sit over here and get comfortable?

And I'll call to Mr. Garnett.

He's in the back.

Thank you.

Mr. G!

Mrs. Vallani is here to see you.

My, Nunzio is a lucky man to have such a stunning wife.

He sure is.

I was her Maid of Honor.

It was a regular Italian wedding with wine and--

Maria.

Well, now, how are the children?

Oh, uh, fine.

Just fine.

I sit for them.

They call me Aunt Maria.

Oh, Nunzio is so proud of those kids.

How old are they now?

Well, uh, the little one's getting bigger every day.

And, uh, the big one is so big.

I thought they were twins.

Well, uh-- well, you know, but one is always,

uh, bigger than the other, and, uh, then of course older, too.

Just--

True.

What were their names again?

Guess.

Let's see.

Uh, one of them was named Larry.

Right, right.

And the other one was called, uh--

Jerry.

Let her guess.

She gave it away.

Hello.

Is this Mrs. Vallani? - Oh.

Yes.

That's Nunzio's blonde bombshell.

Well, I have the extra coat.

Oh.

I'll take care of her, Mrs. L. Why don't you go hang up

some coats over in Sables, hmm?

Oh.

Well, excuse me.

Kiss Larry and Gary for me.

I will.

Oh, Maria, may I speak to you for a minute?

Me?

Yes.

You weren't supposed to speak to Opal.

Well, I-- I didn't know who to speak to.

Never mind. Here's the coat.

Oh, good.

Thank you. - Oh.

Oh, no.

Not here.

Someone might be looking.

Oh.

Just give me the $20 and go.

$20?

For shipping charges.

Oh, no.

I'm going to take it with me.

I--

Well, I have to put something down in the book.

Oh.

Oh, I see.

Uh, here you are.

Bye.

Uh, Maria, we can go now.

Oh, well, Opal's telling me about Nunzio

and a certain Beatrice.

And I just--

sorry, but I think that you ought to know about Nunzio.

You know me.

I wouldn't talk behind your back.

But I told your best friend.

Yes.

Um, maybe some other time.

I think we'd better be going, Maria.

You should listen to this.

She's trying to save your marriage.

Hurry up.

Hurry up.

I'm dying to see the coat.

Yeah, me, too.

I wish I could have tried it on in the store.

Take it out, and try it on.

Well, do you mind if I take off this coat first?

Oh, I'll open it.

There's some scissors in the drawer.

Never mind.

I'm too excited.

Ooh.

Oh, it's so soft.

Oh!

Millie.

Will you stop doing a commercial and let me try it on?

OK, then hurry up. Hurry up.

I'm dying to see how it looks.

Oh, Millie.

You know something?

It looked better on the floor.

Yeah.

Hi, honey.

Hi, darling.

You get the coat?

Yeah it's, uh, right over there.

Ah, I told you it'd work.

Hey.

It's beautiful.

How's it look on you?

Well, I'll tell you.

Why don't I try it on and then, uh, you'll get a better idea?

OK.

I'll close my eyes.

OK.

Uh.

[clearing throat]

Ready.

[laughing]

Stop fooling around.

Rob, I'm not fooling around.

Huh?

Well, honey, can't you straighten up?

Or fill it out or something?

I'm standing up straight, Rob.

And this is as filled out as it'll ever be.

Well, honey, that coat doesn't fit you.

No, it doesn't.

Well, can't it be taken in or something?

Rob, darling, I'm afraid it's hopeless.

It's not even the right style.

Oh, that's not the coat that looked so good on me.

You think they must have mixed them up, huh?

Yeah.

Boy, now I know what they mean by wholesale.

You make a sale, and then you want to crawl in a hole.

Well, could we exchange it?

No.

Honey, did you ever hear of a wholesale house

with a complaint desk?

He said no returns.

Oh.

We've got to face it.

When you look for a bargain, you're gambling.

And we lost.

Well, maybe Buddy could do something.

Oh, sure.

Send us off on another wild goose chase,

cost me a lot more money, and still not get what you want.

Maybe we could sell it.

You know, to an older woman who would like the style?

You know any older women built like Sonny Liston?

Yes.

Sally's aunt from Mineola.

You remember she came to our Christmas party?

She was huge.

Remember, she played Patty Cake with Ritchie

and knocked him right off the chair?

Yeah.

Boy, she was big.

Yeah.

It's worth a try, anyway.

Sal, I think it'd be perfect for your aunt.

I don't think it's even fit my uncle.

Aw. Listen, Rob.

I really think you should tell Buddy what happened.

No.

I don't want to get him started again.

He'll try to save me more money, and I can't afford it.

But don't you think he deserves to see

one of his so-called bargains?

No, Sal.

He was trying to help me out.

This whole thing turned out it wasn't his fault, anyway.

Oh, yes, it was.

He was the yo-yo who said he'd get you a fantastic

deal with no strings attached.

Yeah, and I'm the yo-yo who agreed with him.

I'm going to hide this thing with the receptionist

so Buddy can't even see it.

Uh-uh. He's coming.

Don't say anything.

[scatting] - Hi, Buddy.

Hi, group.

Hi.

Well, how'd Laura like the raccoon fur?

Well, uh, I mean, how would any woman like a fur?

Yeah.

Hey.

There was a lot of coat for 250 bucks, huh?

Yeah, you can say that again.

Did you get to see it?

Uh, Rob was telling me about it.

Yeah.

Now you'll know next time I'm not kidding when I tell you

that I've got the inside track at all

the big bargains in town.

Rob.

Rob.

Hey, Buddy, thanks again.

Oh, that's all right.

When I hear about something good,

I like to have my friends get in on it.

Yeah. Well, you got it.

Yeah, I know.

But, hey, enough about bargains.

Let's get down to work, shall we?

Well, yeah, but I think that first Sally owes me an apology.

- An apology? - Hey, come on.

Let's get to work.

We got a big day.

Now wait just a minute.

I think you ought to apologize for doubting me.

Rob.

Please, Sal.

[grunting]

Please.

I apologize.

Yeah, next time, check with your Uncle Buddy before you--

Uncle Buddy?

Yeah, Uncle Buddy, the baron of bargains.

Rob, if you don't say something,

I'm going to belt the Baron.

Rob, you say something or I will.

You tell him.

No, Sal.

Tell me what?

I bet you went and got me a present

for making that deal, huh?

Oh!

That does it.

Yeah, I think that may do it.

Well, come on.

Tell me.

Well, Buddy, if I tell you, will

you promise me not to try and do anything about it?

About what?

About sticking Rob with a coat 200 sizes too big.

What?

She's exaggerating a little.

Well, you mean there's something wrong with the size?

Oh, no, it's perfect for Smokey the Bear.

Is she telling the truth?

Well, Buddy, uh, see--

[coughing]

Well, what is it?

Yes or no?

Oh, come on.

You know Rob well enough that when he goes well,

you see, uh, uh--

that means yes.

Buddy, I really appreciate what you're trying to do.

I would like now to forget it.

Yeah, and here you are, Baron, baby.

Here's your coat.

I'd like my apology back.

All right, you guys.

I'll show you. - Hey, Buddy.

Wait a minute. Come on.

What do you mean?

Nobody questions my influence.

The name of Tony Morello is good all over this town.

I told you I was right.

The minute Buddy found out about the coat, we're off on more

sneaking, running around, more embarrassing situations.

Yeah, but you're not doing the running around.

Buddy is. Now why don't you sit down?

Yeah.

I don't know what I'm so worried about.

I'm worried about it costing me more money.

That's what I'm worried about.

Darling, maybe it won't.

But, gee, Buddy has been gone a long time.

It's almost nine.

Yeah, I think he went out to trap you something.

I don't want to scare you, Laura,

but I think you're going to wind up with Central Park squirrel.

Oh, come on.

I'm sure he'll show up with a coat.

After all, he called twice about my size.

He called the office three times.

Yeah, but that was only to make sure that I'd be here

so I could eat my words.

Come on now.

Buddy's trying.

Well, yeah, maybe I guess I've been a little too hard on him.

But he's got to learn, Laura.

He drives people crazy with this wholesale bit.

He finally got some poor dumbbell to believe him.

Well, I--

[doorbell ringing]

There he is.

All right.

Let's act like we don't expect too much.

Oh, I won't have to act.

Hi, Buddy.

Hi.

How'd it go?

Oh, how does it always go with Dr. Jim Sorrell?

Beautiful.

Laura, I got you a coat.

Oh, really?

Yeah, and it is a bargain.

What is it?

A used one?

All right, Mrs. wise Guy, look at this.

Ta-da.

Oh, Buddy!

Oh. It's--

- Oh. - It's gorgeous.

Oh, Laura.

Oh!

How do I look?

Honey, it's beautiful.

Boy, I hate to admit it, Laura, but it's gorgeous.

Just exactly the style you wanted, too.

Oh, Buddy, thank you.

My pleasure, honey.

Hey, I started this.

How about a little of the action?

Oh, darling.

Thank you.

Sally, you happy?

Why should I be happy?

I didn't get a coat.

Come on.

You know what I mean.

I did what I said I was going to do, didn't I?

You did, and I love you.

Hey, I got to go see if I look as good as I feel.

OK.

OK.

I hate to admit it, but it's beautiful.

Yeah.

You want to apologize right now?

Well, I'll do you one better.

You think you can get me one like that?

- You're kidding. - No.

No, really.

You think you can get something off on a coat like that?

Yeah, the cuffs.

Oh, come on!

Buddy, I owe you an apology for doubting you.

- That's all right. - No.

Don't be so darn modest.

You're saving me $250.

Uh.

Rob, I-- I didn't exactly save you 250.

Well, you mean the $20 shipping

charges Laura had to pay, yeah?

No, no.

Nunzio wouldn't exchange the coat.

Here.

He gave you your check back.

Well, where did you get the coat then?

Oh, some crazy place they call a retail store.

You got it at a retail store?

Shh.

Don't tell Sally.

Well, how much did you pay for it?

$500.

500?

That's the original price.

Yeah, but they gift wrapped it free.

Oh, Buddy.

Please don't tell Sally.

You know something?

You ought to be put away.

And me with you for listening to you.

Don't get upset.

I'll make up the difference.

Oh, don't be silly.

I can't have you put out $250 for my wife's coat.

What $250?

I was going to give you back the 20 that Laura shelled out.

Oh, Buddy.

I don't know what you're hollering about.

You've got a beautiful fur coat and a beautiful wife.

I got a wife that's a loser, and I'm out 20 bucks.

Buddy, I will give you the $20.

Sure.

You figure out the easy one.

LAURA: Close your eyes, Rob.

Me, too?

LAURA: Why not?

OK.

Hey.

Honey.

Happy No Holiday in Particular.

Oh, boy, just what I wanted.

It's beautiful.

Oh, I knew you'd like it.

Hey, Laura, this is expensive.

Why didn't you call me?

I could have--

You could have what?

I could have danced all night.

Honey, you didn't have to get anything so expensive for me.

Oh, well, I knew you were getting me the coat.

And, anyway, I figured since we saved $250 on it,

I'd just go ahead and splurge.

Dear, well, you didn't have to spend as much as me, honey.

Well, yeah, but I-- how would you have felt

if I had given you slippers?

Terrible.

See?

Listen.

I thought the whole point of this no holiday in particular

was no competition, just love.

Yeah, but then that was the point of Christmas, too.

[music playing]