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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Oh, boy, what a day.
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I'm beat.
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Yeah, I'm so tired, I can hardly keep my mouth open.
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Ah, come on, Rob, what do you say we go home?
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That is a good idea.
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You better give Nuddy a budge.
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Don't you mean give Buddy a nudge?
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Yeah.
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You know, I think you're right on both counts.
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Hey, Nuddy, come on, it's all over.
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Come on. Come on.
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I'm listening, I'm listening.
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Look, after Alan does the shoehorn bit, he comes out--
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We did that two hours ago.
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Why did you let me sit here and work on it?
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You were sleeping, Buddy.
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But not restfully.
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Oh, Rob, I'm glad I caught you.
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Alan wants you and Laura to go to the CIU dinner
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tonight and accept his award.
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Tonight?
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Why can't he accept it?
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Because he and I are on our way
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now to Chicago for an emergency meeting with a sponsor.
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Oh, that's terrible.
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Wrong, anything that gets Mel out of town is great.
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You know, I wish you'd said something sooner.
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This is the last minute.
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Why can't Buddy do it?
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Are you joking?
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What's the matter?
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I'm not good enough to pick up an award?
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Precisely.
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You know why his mother named him Mel?
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Because she couldn't spell "blech."
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Rob, will you?
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I don't know, Mel.
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Look, Rob, if you want the glamour of being head writer,
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you have to accept the problems.
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What glamour?
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Working with people like me.
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I thought that was the problem.
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You know, it could be.
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Well, Rob, I guess you're it.
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Why me?
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Why always me?
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Because you're so tall and willowy.
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Oh, thanks.
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Hey listen, Rob, accept the award.
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You know, don't be embarrassed, just take it and take
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all the credit you want.
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But don't forget to mention the people
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that made it all possible, the little folk like Buddy Sorrell.
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Yeah, he's right, Rob.
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There's nobody littler than Buddy.
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Good luck, Rob.
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Good luck to me too.
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One for you too?
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My wife is cooking dinner tonight.
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Oh.
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Good luck.
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Goodnight, Rob.
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Goodnight.
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Boy, if there's anything Laura hates,
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it's a last minute invitation.
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Well, now Alan will consider it a very special favor.
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Oh, by the way, it's formal.
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For-- well, I hope my tux is pressed.
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Oh, it will be, Rob, you're a neat person.
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Honey?
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Hi, what are you doing?
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Uh, I'm right in the middle of making an emergency
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costume for Ritchie.
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Well, you better start making an emergency
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costume for yourself.
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We're going to a formal dinner tonight.
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What do you mean tonight?
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Tonight, after sundown.
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Alan wants us to pick up that CIU award for him.
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Oh, Rob, I wish you'd have given me a little more notice.
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Honey, I'm giving you all the notice they gave me.
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Well, do you have to go?
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I mean, do we have to?
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Couldn't someone else do it?
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Alan practically ordered me to go, OK?
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Well, I guess so.
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Oh hey, honey, would you get my tux
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out and see if it's pressed?
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It's in the closet, I think.
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OK, well, Rob, I don't think it is in the closet.
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I haven't seen it in a long time.
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Oh, honey, it's all rolled up in my suitcase.
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You mean, you never took it out?
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No, don't ball me out.
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Just get it out and send it to be pressed, will you?
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LAURA (ON PHONE): All right, and then you
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pick it up on your way home? - That's the deal.
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LAURA (ON PHONE): OK. - Uh, honey, you still there?
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Yes.
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Buy a corsage from--
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from me.
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What should I write on the card from you?
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Well, just say you love yourself and sign my name.
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Darling, are you starting to take me for granted?
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Yeah.
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- I'll get you for this. - Bye.
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LAURA (ON PHONE): Bye.
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Rob?
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Yeah.
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Can you imagine, we have to go to a formal dinner?
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Not tonight.
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Tonight.
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Ritchie, do you absolutely, positively have to have
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this for tomorrow morning?
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I need it.
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Science teacher said so.
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Well, why'd you wait to the last minute to tell me?
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I don't know.
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I think I forgot.
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Well, you know what?
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I think I'll just forget your allowance next week.
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You forgot it last week.
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Didn't you know you're gonna have
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to make a thundercloud costume?
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Yes, but I thought a thundercloud was an Indian,
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so I bought a bow and arrow, seven feathers.
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For a science play?
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Well, I figured they'd have a rain dance or something.
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OK, I'll take it from there.
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Oh, thanks, Millie.
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I gotta make a few phone calls and get Rob's tux.
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Whatever I can do.
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Thank you.
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Why couldn't you be a regular cloud?
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Why did you have to be a bad cloud?
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I'm a good cloud.
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An airplane flies over me and seeds me.
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Seeds you?
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What in the world for?
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To make me rain on the crops.
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Listen, my Freddy's gonna be an ear of corn,
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you gonna rain on him?
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Sure, you want him to grow, don't ya?
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Oh, boy, I can see what kind of a night this is gonna be.
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What happened?
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I just remembered the cleaner is closed.
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How am I gonna get Rob's tux pressed?
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Does it need it?
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Well, that depends on whether you're gonna wear
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it or play football with it.
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Is that it?
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Yes.
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It needs it.
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I'll press it for you.
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Can you?
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Laura, my father was a presser for 35 years.
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Oh, well, I just wouldn't want you to burn it or anything.
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- Do I look like a fire bug? - No.
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Where's your steam iron?
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In the linen closet.
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What do I do with this?
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Just swish it around a little.
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You thought a thundercloud was an Indian, mommy?
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Well, when I went to school, dear, he was an Indian.
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Did you have Indians in school in the olden days?
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Only in books, dear.
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Back again.
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This'll only take a few minutes.
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Oh my goodness.
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What's the matter?
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What are you doing?
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I'm swishing.
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Laura, your hands, your hands.
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That'll rinse right off, won't it?
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Never, that's a permanent dye.
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Where did you ever get this dye?
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You know my black fur coat?
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You died it with this?
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Yeah, four years ago.
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It's not coming off.
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Laura, you'll find that's one of your best permanent dyes.
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I already found that out, Millie.
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Why didn't you say something?
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I did, I distinctly said swish.
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Well, I did swish.
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With your hand?
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Well, you didn't say not to.
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Laura, swish means with a stick.
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Then you should have said with a stick.
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You wouldn't stir a pot of soup with your hands,
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would you?
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No, and I wouldn't stir with a stick either.
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You're getting awful touchy lately.
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Well, it's just that I don't understand
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why you didn't warn me, Millie.
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Well, whoever dreamed you'd put your hands in a pot of dye.
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I told you, I never dyed before.
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Even a child knows you don't dye with your hands.
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OK, OK, so I'm not perfect.
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Oh, Millie, what am I gonna do?
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I don't know anything about dye.
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I thought you said you were an expert.
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Well, I know how to dye, but I don't know how to undye.
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Well, who does know?
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Jerry, Jerry's a chemical genius.
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You think he can get it off?
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If he can't get it off, nobody can.
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He's got more bottles of chemicals than a drugstore.
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Oh, Millie, I hope he can do it.
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He can do it or I'll kill him.
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I'll press the tux while you get that stuff off your hands.
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OK.
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Mom, where are you going?
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I'm just next door.
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Ritchie, get away from the pot, dear.
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Go in your room and do your homework.
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Aw, mom.
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Boy, Millie, I wish you'd said something to me.
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Oh, how could you swish without a stick?
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Well, then you should have said with a stick.
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Honey, the cleaner was closed.
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Laura?
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Honey?
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Good thing we're going out to dinner.
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It couldn't be my tux.
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Hey, Ritchie?
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- Hi, dad. - Hi.
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Hey, you know anything about the mess in the pot here?
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That's my costume for the play.
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What kind of a costume?
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A thundercloud suit.
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Oh, yeah.
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Mommy's doing it.
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Well, she's gonna have to do it tomorrow.
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But I have to wear it tomorrow.
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Where's your mother, Rich?
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But daddy, I need it for the play.
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Ritchie, don't whine.
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Where's your mother?
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She's over at Aunt Millie's
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Oh, well, I better go get her.
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Whoa, what are you doing?
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I gotta finish my thundercloud suit.
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Well, what needs to be done?
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Mommy's washing it.
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Oh, well, boy, it sure needs it.
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Look, you let me do the thundercloud suit,
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because mama will kill you if you mess this kitchen up.
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You go tell mama that I'm home, will you?
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OK.
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How does a kid get something this dirty?
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[phone rings]
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RITCHIE: I'll get it.
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If that's mommy, ask her what she did with my tuxedo.
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RITCHIE: Mommy wants to talk to you, daddy.
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I can't come to the phone now.
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RITCHIE: He can't come to the phone now.
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What a mess.
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RITCHIE: OK, mommy.
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Mommy's coming home.
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Oh, good.
266
00:09:12,852 --> 00:09:15,221
Also mommy said not to put your hands in the pot of dye.
267
00:09:23,763 --> 00:09:25,331
This must be the one she means.
268
00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:38,277
Gee, I could have sworn Jerry would get that stuff off.
269
00:09:38,377 --> 00:09:39,745
He's a chemical genius.
270
00:09:39,845 --> 00:09:41,681
ROB: Honey, is that you?
271
00:09:41,781 --> 00:09:42,949
Yes, dear.
272
00:09:43,049 --> 00:09:44,984
Oh, boy, wait 'til he sees your hands.
273
00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:46,619
So honey, a couple of things have come up.
274
00:09:46,719 --> 00:09:49,188
Listen, Rob, I know how important
275
00:09:49,288 --> 00:09:52,258
this dinner is to you, dear, but I'm not gonna be able to go.
276
00:09:52,358 --> 00:09:53,259
Why not?
277
00:09:55,962 --> 00:09:59,432
Hows come mine got darker than yours?
278
00:09:59,532 --> 00:10:02,134
Oh, Rob, you didn't?
279
00:10:02,234 --> 00:10:03,135
Who didn't?
280
00:10:03,235 --> 00:10:04,937
What do you mean "who didn't?" - Well--
281
00:10:05,037 --> 00:10:06,339
Look, why don't you put up a sign when you got a booby trap
282
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:07,740
in the kitchen like that?
283
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:09,642
Well, I told Ritchie to tell you on the phone.
284
00:10:09,742 --> 00:10:11,944
Boy, look at all those dyed hands.
285
00:10:12,044 --> 00:10:15,047
How do you people get yourselves into situations like this?
286
00:10:17,984 --> 00:10:20,886
Rob, if I said swish to you, wouldn't you use a stick?
287
00:10:20,987 --> 00:10:21,621
What?
288
00:10:21,721 --> 00:10:23,456
Never mind.
289
00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:25,224
Rob, this is awful.
290
00:10:25,324 --> 00:10:26,892
Well, at least we match.
291
00:10:26,993 --> 00:10:28,227
What are we gonna do?
292
00:10:28,327 --> 00:10:29,695
We're gonna get it off is what we're gonna do.
293
00:10:29,795 --> 00:10:31,697
Rob, it won't come off.
294
00:10:31,797 --> 00:10:33,399
Even Jerry couldn't get it off.
295
00:10:33,499 --> 00:10:34,300
He got it too?
296
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:36,736
No, Rob, off my hands.
297
00:10:36,836 --> 00:10:38,704
Yeah, and he's a chemical genius.
298
00:10:38,804 --> 00:10:41,307
With certain limitations.
299
00:10:41,407 --> 00:10:42,742
Well, hey, how about makeup?
300
00:10:42,842 --> 00:10:45,478
No, we tried it and it won't cover.
301
00:10:45,578 --> 00:10:48,147
Well, if we can't get it off, we're not going to that dinner,
302
00:10:48,247 --> 00:10:49,215
boy, that is for sure.
303
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:50,483
Well, what about Alan?
304
00:10:50,583 --> 00:10:52,284
I thought you said he practically ordered you to go.
305
00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:54,253
Honey, if we walked into the Crystal Room with our hands
306
00:10:54,353 --> 00:10:56,956
looking like this, people would think we were out of our minds.
307
00:10:57,056 --> 00:10:58,924
Couldn't you pretend it's a gag?
308
00:10:59,025 --> 00:10:59,925
A gag?
309
00:11:00,026 --> 00:11:01,427
Well, they know you're a comedy writer.
310
00:11:01,527 --> 00:11:05,031
Millie, that is positively in the worst taste.
311
00:11:05,131 --> 00:11:07,233
Well, it's not a matter of taste.
312
00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:10,002
Honey, you know what the CIU is, don't you?
313
00:11:10,102 --> 00:11:13,839
Well, of course, the Committee for Interracial Understanding.
314
00:11:25,985 --> 00:11:29,889
Oh, Committee for Interracial Understanding.
315
00:11:29,989 --> 00:11:31,490
That's what the award is for.
316
00:11:31,590 --> 00:11:33,292
Rob, we can't go like this.
317
00:11:33,392 --> 00:11:34,694
Even if Alan ordered me to.
318
00:11:34,794 --> 00:11:35,928
Unless you wore gloves.
319
00:11:36,028 --> 00:11:38,631
Hey, dad, look at this neat baseball.
320
00:11:38,731 --> 00:11:40,299
Ritchie, I told you not--
321
00:11:40,399 --> 00:11:41,333
Honey, forget it.
322
00:11:41,434 --> 00:11:43,269
At least he looks like one of the family.
323
00:11:49,742 --> 00:11:50,643
Flowers for Mrs. Petrie.
324
00:11:50,743 --> 00:11:51,544
I'll take 'em.
325
00:11:51,644 --> 00:11:52,545
Hold it.
326
00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:53,946
Not with those hands, sonny.
327
00:11:54,046 --> 00:11:55,815
You better wash 'em before your mother sees 'em.
328
00:11:55,915 --> 00:11:57,349
Her hands are the same way.
329
00:11:57,450 --> 00:11:58,651
Sure, I'll bet they are.
330
00:11:58,751 --> 00:12:00,753
Our daddy's too.
331
00:12:00,853 --> 00:12:02,521
Oh, the corsage.
332
00:12:02,621 --> 00:12:04,990
Yes, that will be 4.50, ma'am.
333
00:12:05,091 --> 00:12:05,958
Would you pay him, please?
334
00:12:06,058 --> 00:12:08,227
Yeah, I'll get it.
335
00:12:08,327 --> 00:12:09,428
Here you are.
336
00:12:09,528 --> 00:12:12,031
[laughs] You're probably wondering about our hands.
337
00:12:12,131 --> 00:12:12,998
I didn't even notice 'em.
338
00:12:13,099 --> 00:12:14,834
I didn't even notice 'em.
339
00:12:14,934 --> 00:12:15,868
Didn't notice 'em?
340
00:12:15,968 --> 00:12:17,470
No, I didn't--
341
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:20,673
Well, I did, but I thought you were all members of the mafia.
342
00:12:20,773 --> 00:12:23,109
No, my son, we were--
343
00:12:23,209 --> 00:12:24,210
Making wine?
344
00:12:24,310 --> 00:12:25,144
No, ink.
345
00:12:25,244 --> 00:12:25,911
Ink.
346
00:12:26,011 --> 00:12:26,846
That's all right.
347
00:12:26,946 --> 00:12:27,813
Keep the change.
348
00:12:27,913 --> 00:12:28,848
Thank you.
349
00:12:28,948 --> 00:12:29,882
That's a nice hobby, making ink.
350
00:12:29,982 --> 00:12:31,283
Well, can I have the flowers--
351
00:12:31,383 --> 00:12:32,585
Oh, yeah, the flowers.
352
00:12:32,685 --> 00:12:34,720
That's a good hobby, making ink.
353
00:12:34,820 --> 00:12:35,654
Night, folks.
354
00:12:35,754 --> 00:12:38,491
Goodnight.
355
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,893
Just a little preview of what's going to happen to us tonight.
356
00:12:40,993 --> 00:12:43,195
Well, why didn't you just tell him what happened?
357
00:12:43,295 --> 00:12:46,899
What, telling him we're dying a thundercloud suit, you mean?
358
00:12:46,999 --> 00:12:50,035
Well, the corsage is wilting and the CIU is waiting.
359
00:12:50,136 --> 00:12:51,170
We better get dressed.
360
00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:52,705
Well, honey, what about the hands?
361
00:12:52,805 --> 00:12:53,906
Well, I don't know, Rob.
362
00:12:54,006 --> 00:12:56,108
We just have to wear gloves.
363
00:12:56,208 --> 00:12:57,643
Well, that's fine for you.
364
00:12:57,743 --> 00:12:59,411
But you got a picture of me in a tuxedo trying to butter
365
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:00,913
a roll with gloves on?
366
00:13:01,013 --> 00:13:04,517
Darling, there's no alternative.
367
00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:05,651
Don't kid yourself, there's two
368
00:13:05,751 --> 00:13:07,553
alternatives, Buddy and Sally.
369
00:13:07,653 --> 00:13:10,055
Hey, Rob, do me a favor, will you, and make it fast.
370
00:13:10,156 --> 00:13:11,557
I just drew an inside straight.
371
00:13:11,657 --> 00:13:15,728
Look at this, 6, 7, 8, 9, Jack.
372
00:13:15,828 --> 00:13:17,763
Fellas, count me out.
373
00:13:17,863 --> 00:13:19,064
Best hand I had all night.
374
00:13:19,165 --> 00:13:20,666
What's the matter, Rob? What's your problem?
375
00:13:20,766 --> 00:13:21,634
You ready for this?
376
00:13:21,734 --> 00:13:22,568
BUDDY (ON PHONE): Yeah.
377
00:13:22,668 --> 00:13:23,936
I died my hands black.
378
00:13:28,307 --> 00:13:29,308
Buddy?
379
00:13:29,408 --> 00:13:30,509
Are you there?
380
00:13:30,609 --> 00:13:35,347
Yeah, I thought I heard Mel say to dye 'em green.
381
00:13:35,447 --> 00:13:36,582
Buddy, this is no joke.
382
00:13:36,682 --> 00:13:38,083
You really dyed your hands?
383
00:13:38,184 --> 00:13:39,185
Right.
384
00:13:39,285 --> 00:13:40,452
Can you see your way clear to go in my place?
385
00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:41,720
Rob, I can't.
386
00:13:41,820 --> 00:13:43,088
Pickles twisted her back this afternoon
387
00:13:43,189 --> 00:13:44,557
carrying out the garbage.
388
00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:45,891
She's in bed.
389
00:13:45,991 --> 00:13:47,293
ROB (ON PHONE): Well, does she need you there?
390
00:13:47,393 --> 00:13:51,630
Yeah, every half hour I gotta turn her over.
391
00:13:51,730 --> 00:13:53,799
Why can't one of the other guys do it while you're gone?
392
00:13:53,899 --> 00:13:54,834
Are you kidding?
393
00:13:54,934 --> 00:13:55,868
Why do you think they're here?
394
00:13:55,968 --> 00:13:59,271
Takes all four of us to do it.
395
00:13:59,371 --> 00:14:01,507
I gather from your tone of the conversation
396
00:14:01,607 --> 00:14:02,541
that you're not gonna go.
397
00:14:02,641 --> 00:14:03,609
Gee, I'd like to, but I can't.
398
00:14:03,709 --> 00:14:04,643
No, I understand.
399
00:14:04,743 --> 00:14:06,045
Doggone it, I depended on you.
400
00:14:06,145 --> 00:14:07,313
BUDDY (ON PHONE): Oh, you can depend on me, Rob.
401
00:14:07,413 --> 00:14:08,147
Yeah? For what?
402
00:14:08,247 --> 00:14:09,415
For Sally's phone number.
403
00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:10,482
It's 2-7--
404
00:14:10,583 --> 00:14:11,817
Thanks a lot, I have it.
405
00:14:11,917 --> 00:14:13,385
BUDDY (ON PHONE): Hey, want some good advice?
406
00:14:13,485 --> 00:14:14,520
What?
407
00:14:14,620 --> 00:14:15,654
BUDDY (ON PHONE): You got a pair of gloves?
408
00:14:15,754 --> 00:14:16,555
- Yeah. - Wear 'em, pal.
409
00:14:16,655 --> 00:14:17,590
ROB (ON PHONE): Thanks.
410
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:18,591
Buddy doesn't want to go?
411
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:19,925
No, he can't.
412
00:14:20,025 --> 00:14:21,427
He's gotta turn Pickles over every half hour.
413
00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:22,261
What?
414
00:14:22,361 --> 00:14:23,462
Well, what's the difference?
415
00:14:23,562 --> 00:14:24,897
Honey, do I have any gloves?
416
00:14:24,997 --> 00:14:26,765
Well, you have that pair you got for Christmas.
417
00:14:26,865 --> 00:14:28,133
You mean with the fur lining?
418
00:14:28,234 --> 00:14:30,202
You think they'd be too warm?
419
00:14:30,302 --> 00:14:32,838
Nothing goes over worse at a formal dinner than the smell
420
00:14:32,938 --> 00:14:35,774
of sweaty bunny fur.
421
00:14:35,874 --> 00:14:37,176
Who are you calling?
422
00:14:37,276 --> 00:14:38,244
Sally.
423
00:14:38,344 --> 00:14:39,878
Do you think you can talk her into it?
424
00:14:39,979 --> 00:14:41,981
Well, if I can make it sound like a lot of fun.
425
00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:43,849
Well, in case you can't make it sound like enough fun,
426
00:14:43,949 --> 00:14:46,619
I think I'd better start getting dressed.
427
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,621
[phone ringing]
428
00:14:49,788 --> 00:14:50,589
Hello?
429
00:14:50,689 --> 00:14:51,890
ROB (ON PHONE): Hi, Sal.
430
00:14:51,991 --> 00:14:53,993
Listen, a funny thing happened on the way
431
00:14:54,093 --> 00:14:55,127
to that formal dinner.
432
00:14:55,227 --> 00:14:56,795
Look, Rob, make it fast, will you?
433
00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:57,796
I'm kind of busy.
434
00:14:57,896 --> 00:14:59,198
Get to the punch line, huh?
435
00:14:59,298 --> 00:15:01,333
Sally, I didn't call you up to tell you a joke.
436
00:15:01,433 --> 00:15:04,270
Look, Laura and I were drying to dye a thundercloud suit.
437
00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:07,106
In the process, we died our hands too.
438
00:15:07,206 --> 00:15:08,440
Oh, yeah, that was smart.
439
00:15:08,540 --> 00:15:11,176
You see, it's best to do all that stuff at once.
440
00:15:11,277 --> 00:15:13,445
I've got to have somebody to go in my place, how about it?
441
00:15:13,545 --> 00:15:14,346
No, I can't go.
442
00:15:14,446 --> 00:15:15,481
I'm sorry.
443
00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:16,849
ROB (ON PHONE): Why not?
444
00:15:16,949 --> 00:15:19,585
Well, because my hair is full of beer and eggs right now.
445
00:15:19,685 --> 00:15:23,055
How did you get beer and eggs in your hair?
446
00:15:23,155 --> 00:15:25,524
I was attacked by a band of bootleg chickens.
447
00:15:29,561 --> 00:15:31,030
Sal, come on, please.
448
00:15:31,130 --> 00:15:33,699
Rob, my aunt Agnes is here tending my hair.
449
00:15:33,799 --> 00:15:34,733
No chance then?
450
00:15:34,833 --> 00:15:36,302
No, no chance, Rob, I'm sorry.
451
00:15:36,402 --> 00:15:38,470
You know, if you'd only called me sooner--
452
00:15:38,570 --> 00:15:40,406
Hey, I got a great idea.
453
00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:42,775
Does it have anything to do with wearing gloves?
454
00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:43,676
SALLY (ON PHONE): Yeah.
455
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:44,610
Forget it.
456
00:15:44,710 --> 00:15:45,544
Bye, Rob.
457
00:15:45,644 --> 00:15:46,945
Bye, Sally.
458
00:15:47,046 --> 00:15:48,380
Sally can't make it?
459
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:50,015
Nope.
460
00:15:50,115 --> 00:15:52,451
Rob, what are we gonna do?
461
00:15:52,551 --> 00:15:54,987
Well, honey, I can't go to that dinner wearing gloves.
462
00:15:55,087 --> 00:15:56,255
Well, I guess you'll just have to keep
463
00:15:56,355 --> 00:15:57,589
your hands in your pockets.
464
00:15:57,690 --> 00:15:59,291
Well, isn't going to be a little hard to eat?
465
00:15:59,391 --> 00:16:02,728
Rob, how can you think of eating at a time like this?
466
00:16:02,828 --> 00:16:03,929
Come on, let's get dressed.
467
00:16:04,029 --> 00:16:04,997
We'll probably miss dinner.
468
00:16:05,097 --> 00:16:06,231
I'm starved.
469
00:16:09,835 --> 00:16:10,769
Rob.
470
00:16:10,869 --> 00:16:12,404
OK.
471
00:16:12,504 --> 00:16:13,739
Gee.
472
00:16:13,839 --> 00:16:15,741
Darling, we're a half an hour late.
473
00:16:15,841 --> 00:16:19,178
Honey, I don't think we're gonna get away with this.
474
00:16:19,278 --> 00:16:21,513
Rob, I thought you said you were gonna wear the gloves you
475
00:16:21,613 --> 00:16:22,715
got for Christmas.
476
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:24,383
Well, I thought I could tell 'em there's something
477
00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:25,884
wrong with my hands, an allergy, something like that.
478
00:16:25,984 --> 00:16:27,786
But why work gloves?
479
00:16:27,886 --> 00:16:29,154
Well, they look more clinical.
480
00:16:29,254 --> 00:16:30,356
You mean comical.
481
00:16:30,456 --> 00:16:33,325
You look like Mickey Mouse.
482
00:16:33,425 --> 00:16:34,960
He only had three fingers.
483
00:16:35,060 --> 00:16:36,028
Rob, take 'em off.
484
00:16:36,128 --> 00:16:38,564
Come on, put these on.
485
00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:40,132
So much time has passed now, we're gonna
486
00:16:40,232 --> 00:16:41,233
miss the whole dinner anyway.
487
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:42,434
I know.
488
00:16:42,534 --> 00:16:43,969
Probably won't get there in time for the award.
489
00:16:44,069 --> 00:16:45,003
Oh, honey, this isn't right.
490
00:16:45,104 --> 00:16:46,305
I look like a strangler.
491
00:16:49,108 --> 00:16:51,243
Boy, you sure couldn't wear these to a formal,
492
00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:52,978
not unless you were part of the entertainment.
493
00:16:53,078 --> 00:16:53,912
Millie.
494
00:16:54,012 --> 00:16:55,381
Hey, whose are these?
495
00:16:55,481 --> 00:16:56,315
Jerry's.
496
00:16:56,415 --> 00:16:57,282
Jerry's?
497
00:16:57,383 --> 00:16:58,951
Well, actually, they're his mother's.
498
00:16:59,051 --> 00:17:00,285
His mother's?
499
00:17:00,386 --> 00:17:01,587
Yeah, she always leaves something at our house
500
00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:03,622
just so she'll have an excuse to come back.
501
00:17:03,722 --> 00:17:04,757
Boy, she must be--
502
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:07,693
Yeah, she's built like Wyatt Earp.
503
00:17:07,793 --> 00:17:10,562
If these fit, all I gotta do is chop these tops off.
504
00:17:10,662 --> 00:17:13,432
Rob, do me a favor and just jam 'em up your sleeves.
505
00:17:13,532 --> 00:17:16,702
If you ruin those gloves, she's never gonna get to like me.
506
00:17:16,802 --> 00:17:17,770
Oh, this is ridiculous.
507
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:18,904
I feel like Sophie Tucker.
508
00:17:19,004 --> 00:17:20,672
Yeah, but it doesn't look bad.
509
00:17:20,773 --> 00:17:21,774
What do we do about the buttons?
510
00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:23,041
I'll bite 'em off.
511
00:17:23,142 --> 00:17:24,343
Laura, don't let him lose the buttons.
512
00:17:24,443 --> 00:17:26,178
I won't, and I'll sew 'em back on tonight.
513
00:17:26,278 --> 00:17:27,579
Laura, didn't you forget something?
514
00:17:27,679 --> 00:17:28,714
What?
515
00:17:28,814 --> 00:17:30,015
Aren't you gonna ask me to sit with Ritchie?
516
00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:31,917
Oh, Millie, would you please?
517
00:17:32,017 --> 00:17:33,852
Did you have to ask?
518
00:17:33,952 --> 00:17:37,189
Don't lose those buttons!
519
00:17:37,289 --> 00:17:38,690
They're gonna lose those buttons.
520
00:17:47,666 --> 00:17:49,134
What do I say if somebody asks me
521
00:17:49,234 --> 00:17:50,502
what's wrong with your hands?
522
00:17:50,602 --> 00:17:52,137
Tell 'em I got some kind of itis or something.
523
00:17:52,237 --> 00:17:53,605
I don't care. - Hello.
524
00:17:53,705 --> 00:17:54,406
Hi, there.
525
00:17:54,506 --> 00:17:55,474
You must be Robert Petrie.
526
00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:56,608
That's right.
527
00:17:56,708 --> 00:17:58,010
Well, I'm Roger Johnson and this is Joe Clark.
528
00:17:58,110 --> 00:17:59,011
Mr. Johnson, Mr. Clark.
529
00:17:59,111 --> 00:18:00,145
How are you doing?
530
00:18:00,245 --> 00:18:01,814
Oh, excuse my hands.
531
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:03,248
I'm wearing gloves.
532
00:18:03,348 --> 00:18:04,750
I had a little accident, that's why I have gloves on.
533
00:18:04,850 --> 00:18:07,152
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, nothing serious, I hope?
534
00:18:07,252 --> 00:18:09,455
No, it's a little sensitivity kind of.
535
00:18:09,555 --> 00:18:11,023
I have to keep the gloves--
536
00:18:11,123 --> 00:18:12,691
Oh, excuse me, this is my wife.
537
00:18:12,791 --> 00:18:13,826
She always wears gloves.
538
00:18:17,062 --> 00:18:18,363
I'm awfully sorry that we're late.
539
00:18:18,464 --> 00:18:20,833
Well, we're awfully glad you came.
540
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:24,703
Well, it's an award that we're really proud to be getting.
541
00:18:24,803 --> 00:18:28,474
As you all know, Alan Brady was called out of town
542
00:18:28,574 --> 00:18:30,175
unexpectedly and could not be here
543
00:18:30,275 --> 00:18:32,211
to accept the award in person.
544
00:18:32,311 --> 00:18:34,379
However, I'm very happy to tell you
545
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:37,616
that we do have with us one Mr. Robert
546
00:18:37,716 --> 00:18:39,985
Petrie who is the head writer of the show
547
00:18:40,085 --> 00:18:42,621
and his very lovely wife Laura.
548
00:18:42,721 --> 00:18:45,491
[applause]
549
00:18:46,758 --> 00:18:48,694
Thank you, and now without further ado, just go ahead
550
00:18:48,794 --> 00:18:52,264
and let our Chairman Mr. Johnson make the formal presentation.
551
00:18:52,364 --> 00:18:53,832
Thank you. Mr. Johnson.
552
00:18:53,932 --> 00:18:54,766
Thank you very much.
553
00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:57,369
[applause]
554
00:18:57,469 --> 00:19:00,973
My friends, since Mr. Petrie is the head writer of "The Alan
555
00:19:01,073 --> 00:19:04,843
Brady Show," I feel it is most fitting and proper for him
556
00:19:04,943 --> 00:19:06,745
to accept this award tonight.
557
00:19:06,845 --> 00:19:10,782
Now, as you know, this award is given for, well, let me
558
00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:13,652
quote from the citation itself.
559
00:19:13,752 --> 00:19:17,289
"This award has been granted to the Alan Brady show
560
00:19:17,389 --> 00:19:20,058
for his consistent thematic restatement
561
00:19:20,158 --> 00:19:22,528
of the American ideals of equality.
562
00:19:22,628 --> 00:19:26,331
Truth is the doorway to understanding.
563
00:19:26,431 --> 00:19:29,902
Mr. Petrie, it gives me great pleasure to present
564
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:32,237
this award to your show.
565
00:19:32,337 --> 00:19:35,908
[applause]
566
00:19:38,277 --> 00:19:40,846
Thank you very much, Mr. Johnson.
567
00:19:40,946 --> 00:19:44,516
On behalf of everyone down at "The Alan Brady Show,"
568
00:19:44,616 --> 00:19:46,451
I would like to express our appreciation
569
00:19:46,552 --> 00:19:48,520
to you for this award.
570
00:19:48,620 --> 00:19:52,791
And I certainly hope that we can fulfill this wonderful idea
571
00:19:52,891 --> 00:19:54,426
represented on the plaque.
572
00:19:54,526 --> 00:19:59,298
"The truth is the doorway to understanding."
573
00:19:59,398 --> 00:20:01,833
Folks, I don't really feel that I
574
00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:04,102
have a right to hold this particular award up
575
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:07,606
here with gloves on my hands.
576
00:20:07,706 --> 00:20:08,807
Rob.
577
00:20:08,907 --> 00:20:10,909
Well, honey, truth is doorway to understanding.
578
00:20:11,009 --> 00:20:14,179
Excuse me a moment there, a little family discussion here.
579
00:20:14,279 --> 00:20:15,881
You know how that is.
580
00:20:15,981 --> 00:20:17,082
[whispering]
581
00:20:17,182 --> 00:20:18,850
Honey, we didn't do anything wrong.
582
00:20:24,456 --> 00:20:25,657
[clears throat]
583
00:20:26,458 --> 00:20:28,694
As I was saying--
584
00:20:28,794 --> 00:20:29,528
what was I saying?
585
00:20:29,628 --> 00:20:31,296
Oh, it was such a good idea.
586
00:20:31,396 --> 00:20:32,698
You were talking about your gloves.
587
00:20:32,798 --> 00:20:35,133
Oh, yeah, my gloves, I'm sorry, thank you.
588
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:38,604
Ladies and gentlemen, I told Mr. Johnson when I came here
589
00:20:38,704 --> 00:20:41,974
that I was wearing these gloves because my hands were
590
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:43,175
sensitive.
591
00:20:43,275 --> 00:20:46,011
And actually I'm wearing them because I'm
592
00:20:46,111 --> 00:20:48,547
sensitive about my hands.
593
00:20:48,647 --> 00:20:50,582
And overly sensitive, I hope.
594
00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:54,686
That's a little confusing, I guess, isn't it?
595
00:20:54,786 --> 00:20:59,124
I think that I can explain it so it makes a little sense to you.
596
00:20:59,224 --> 00:21:02,628
You see, my wife was dying a thundercloud suit for our son
597
00:21:02,728 --> 00:21:03,962
and she didn't use a stick.
598
00:21:04,062 --> 00:21:05,497
And I came home.
599
00:21:05,597 --> 00:21:07,165
And of course, I couldn't have known about using a stick.
600
00:21:07,265 --> 00:21:11,003
Matter of fact, I thought it was dinner at first or my tux.
601
00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:13,205
That's-- I'm not making that--
602
00:21:13,305 --> 00:21:14,439
[laughs]
603
00:21:16,141 --> 00:21:19,945
Let me-- my wife and I accidentally stuck our hands
604
00:21:20,045 --> 00:21:22,547
in a pot of dye, permanent dye.
605
00:21:22,648 --> 00:21:25,050
And we wore these gloves because we were
606
00:21:25,150 --> 00:21:26,652
afraid of what you might think.
607
00:21:26,752 --> 00:21:30,255
We were afraid of what you might think we were thinking.
608
00:21:30,355 --> 00:21:31,490
What do you think?
609
00:21:36,728 --> 00:21:39,698
Let's take off our gloves and see if truth is
610
00:21:39,798 --> 00:21:41,733
the doorway to understanding.
611
00:21:46,838 --> 00:21:49,007
[laughter]
612
00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:55,647
If you think this is ridiculous, we got a little boy
613
00:21:55,747 --> 00:21:58,550
at home in the same condition.
614
00:21:58,650 --> 00:22:00,719
And there's a baseball, too, and a stick.
615
00:22:00,819 --> 00:22:03,822
Yeah, and one of your clean towels.
616
00:22:03,922 --> 00:22:06,591
As I look around the room now, I
617
00:22:06,692 --> 00:22:09,061
see that all my fears and all my embarrassments
618
00:22:09,161 --> 00:22:10,996
were self-imposed.
619
00:22:11,096 --> 00:22:16,268
There's-- I can't wait 'til the day when understanding is
620
00:22:16,368 --> 00:22:17,869
between everybody such a commonplace
621
00:22:17,969 --> 00:22:21,673
thing that they don't have to hand out awards for it.
622
00:22:21,773 --> 00:22:23,508
I mean, it seems like understanding ought
623
00:22:23,608 --> 00:22:24,876
to be as natural as breathing.
624
00:22:24,976 --> 00:22:26,478
I mean, they certainly don't give out
625
00:22:26,578 --> 00:22:28,246
any awards for breathing, do they, Mr. Johnson?
626
00:22:28,346 --> 00:22:31,817
[applause]
627
00:22:34,519 --> 00:22:37,489
Well, from what you just said, Mr. Petrie,
628
00:22:37,589 --> 00:22:40,058
you are earned the right not to have this award.
629
00:22:40,158 --> 00:22:43,729
Thank you, Mr. Johnson, but I have to have this award.
630
00:22:43,829 --> 00:22:45,731
I mean, what's in my heart is very important,
631
00:22:45,831 --> 00:22:47,866
but what my boss Alan Brady is interested in
632
00:22:47,966 --> 00:22:49,468
is what he can mount on his mantelpiece.
633
00:22:49,568 --> 00:22:51,169
And if I don't give him this award,
634
00:22:51,269 --> 00:22:53,004
he's gonna mount my head on it.
635
00:22:56,641 --> 00:23:00,178
So I says, oh Lord, why did we invite these people here
636
00:23:00,278 --> 00:23:01,146
on this hot day?
637
00:23:01,246 --> 00:23:03,915
[laughter]
638
00:23:04,816 --> 00:23:05,717
Very good.
639
00:23:05,817 --> 00:23:09,187
[applause]
640
00:23:11,590 --> 00:23:14,292
Well, Rob, I can't tell you how much we appreciate
641
00:23:14,392 --> 00:23:15,560
you entertaining us tonight.
642
00:23:15,660 --> 00:23:16,828
Thank you, you're a very good audience.
643
00:23:16,928 --> 00:23:18,196
I don't know whether you're laughing
644
00:23:18,296 --> 00:23:19,464
at my jokes or my hands though.
645
00:23:19,564 --> 00:23:22,467
Uh, both.
646
00:23:22,567 --> 00:23:24,703
Rob, I'm sure I speak for everyone
647
00:23:24,803 --> 00:23:29,074
when I say, any time we can do anything for you, just ask.
648
00:23:29,174 --> 00:23:30,275
Well, thank you, Mr. Johnson.
649
00:23:30,375 --> 00:23:31,510
You've all done enough for me already.
650
00:23:31,610 --> 00:23:32,911
- Uh, Rob. - Huh?
651
00:23:33,011 --> 00:23:33,712
Ask about the button.
652
00:23:33,812 --> 00:23:35,947
No, honey, I can't do that.
653
00:23:36,047 --> 00:23:37,282
But Mr. Johnson said--
654
00:23:37,382 --> 00:23:38,617
All right, all right.
655
00:23:38,717 --> 00:23:40,852
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, my wife
656
00:23:40,952 --> 00:23:43,488
has something she wants to ask you.
657
00:23:43,588 --> 00:23:46,491
[inaudible] care about it.
658
00:23:46,591 --> 00:23:49,661
I wonder if anybody has found a pearl button?
659
00:23:49,761 --> 00:23:51,530
It goes to my husband's gloves.
660
00:23:51,630 --> 00:23:52,964
No, it's not-- it's not my husband's.
661
00:23:53,064 --> 00:23:56,134
They belong to my neighbor's mother-in--
662
00:23:56,234 --> 00:23:57,536
No, no, never-- I'm sorry.
663
00:23:57,636 --> 00:23:59,237
No, I'll get them.
664
00:24:06,211 --> 00:24:11,983
[theme music]
46834
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