All language subtitles for The Dick van Dike Show S04_E18

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show", starring Dick Van Dyke

Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore.

Darling, I already polished that one.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to rub up a genie so that when the genie says,

what do you wish?

I can say, I wish my brother would call and he would.

I think you'll have better luck producing

the genie than your brother.

You realize he's been gone for four hours.

You suppose he forgot? ROB PETRIE: I don't know.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, maybe that's him.

Laura, who you've been talking to?

To Rob.

No, on the phone.

I've been trying to get you for an hour to find

out if you needed more pots?

Oh, yeah, we do.

Thanks.

I haven't been using the phone.

Well, I got a busy signal.

Honey, did you hang up the bedroom

when I picked up the kitchen?

Oh, my gosh.

No, I didn't.

How you like that?

We've been holding our breath for a phone

call that never stood a chance.

Why have you been holding your breath?

Well, Stacey finally got up the nerve to go tell

Julie the truth about himself.

Who's Julie?

His girlfriend.

Oh, that's her name.

Well, what's the truth about himself?

Well, you know about how his girlfriend

thinks that he's James Garner.

She thinks your brother's James Garner?

Didn't you tell her?

Well, Rob, you told me not to.

You mean that works?

Sometimes.

How come she thinks he's James Garner?

What-- Millie, wait a minute.

How much you know about all this?

Well, I know when Stacey was in the army,

he wrote letters to this girl.

And he thinks he's in love with her, but he's never met her

and he's afraid to meet her

Well, I told her a little.

And I also know that Stacey is opening up this nightclub

and you're putting up the money.

And you two are supposed to be down there decorating tonight.

You told her a lot.

Yeah, but she left out the best part.

How come she thinks Stacey's James Garner?

Well, because he's been signing his letters

to her like that way.

Well, why would he use an actor's

name to sign his letters.

LAURA PETRIE: No, no, not James Garner the actor.

This James Garner is a drummer friend

of Stacey's and he got him to write love letters for him.

Oh, like Cyrano de Bergerac?

Well, yeah, something like that.

The thing is when this Garner lost interest in the girl,

Stacey didn't.

Yeah, and so Stacey kept on writing to her for himself,

but signing Garner's name.

You mean this whole romance is based on her

thinking he's another guy?

Right.

No wonder he's afraid to meet her.

I don't know why he couldn't wait until after the club open.

He's been here a whole week.

He had to wait till tonight to go

tell her and explode the bomb.

Well, what's one thing got to do with the other?

Well, it's a basic business principle, Millie.

You should never open a nightclub the night

after you've gone and told your girl you love

that you're not James Garner.

It's very bad for business.

Honey, there's no use of us waiting for him to call.

It's after 8 o'clock, we might as well

go down and start decorating.

Boy, some decorating, a bunch of crummy coffee

pots hanging from the walls and the ceilings.

What's he gonna call the place?

The coffee pot.

Hey.

Listen, Millie, would you mind waiting

here for just a couple of minutes in case Stacey calls?

Sure. What'll I tell him?

Well, just tell him to get down to the club

and help us decorate.

That's all.

[phone rings]

Hello.

STACEY PETRIE (ON PHONE): Hi, Rob.

Stacey, where are you?

Well, I'm in a drugstore near the, ah--

on 70-- near 70--

it's above-- the numbers 555--

what's the difference, Rob?

What are you doing?

I just getting ready to go up to Julie's apartment.

Why aren't you at the club?

You were supposed to see Julie hours ago.

I-- I know, but I had this thing to do.

ROB PETRIE (ON PHONE): What's that?

Work up courage.

Oh, Stacey.

Couldn't you have done that yesterday?

Don't you care anything about the nightclub?

It's opening tomorrow night, you know.

Yeah, you're-- you're right, Rob.

I'm going on down to the club.

I'll forget all about Julie.

No, hold it, Stace.

As long as you're there, you take your courage

and go up to Julie's.

We'll take your pots and go downtown.

All right.

Thanks, Rob.

I'll see you at the club.

Um, good luck.

Not good luck to you, good luck to me.

I'm the one that's going down.

He's just going up there now?

Yep, and I don't think he's ready.

What'd he say?

He just wished me good luck.

Well, it looks like you and I have are the decorators.

Well, if things don't work out, one of us

got to learn to play the banjo.

Ah, Millie, you want to come down and help us decorate?

No, thanks.

Well, go home.

Uh, Miss Julie, should I reheat the coffee

or make fresh?

Oh, whatever you think is best.

I've given up.

I imagine that the young soldier

would want some refreshments when he gets here.

I think he has stood me up.

Oh, don't feel badly, Miss Julie.

Could you ask the elevator operator if Mr.

Petrie has been looking for me?

Yes, Miss.

Thank you.

Mr. Petrie.

JULIE KINCAID: Stacey?

Well, how nice to see you.

We've been worried.

We thought something had happened.

I've been waiting for you for two hours.

Come on in.

[chuckles] Excuse me.

Come in.

I'll take that.

JULIE KINCAID: Yeah.

Come in, Stacey.

I want to hear-- come in.

I want to hear all about Jim.

We have so much to talk about.

I'm-- sorry I'm late, but I was early.

What?

I was earlier coming here, and so I went to a newsreel

and had a ham--

a hamburger.

But not a newsreel, at--

later at a--

- Diner? - Yeah.

I'm sorry I'm late. - Uh-huh.

Well, the main thing is that you're here.

Sit down.

[squeals]

I'm sorry, the chair there.

I'm sorry.

You sure-- you sure you're OK?

Yeah, I'm so used to the army and taking orders.

You said sit, and I plunk.

Well, uh, would you like a cup of coffee?

Sure, please.

How do you like your coffee?

Fine.

No, I mean, what do you like in your coffee?

What do you-- what do you do-- put in yours?

Oh, cream and sugar.

Good, that's what I like.

Yeah.

[mumbling] I can't get over it, I'm really here.

Well, I envy you, Stacey.

Why?

You're here, too.

I envy you because you were there.

Where?

With Jim.

Yeah, how-- how was he?

Well, you just left him.

Oh, he's fine.

And how are you?

I'm-- I'm fine too.

And how's your club?

It's, ah, fine. I, ah--

Did it open yesterday?

Well, it opens tomorrow.

It's really not a club.

It's more of a--

JULIE KINCAID: Saloon?

No, it's like a coffee house.

Coffee, you know, little coffees and, um--

and, um, cheese and, ah-- and, ah, hot cider and I tell--

I tell funny stories and play the, ah--

Oh, the banjo.

Jim wrote me what a great banjo you play.

Well-- [chuckles]

Hey, say, Stacey, do you mind if I

invited myself to your opening?

Oh, nuts.

What's the matter?

Well, I-- I wanted to invite you.

Go ahead.

Well, you're-- you're already coming.

[chuckles] Oh, Stacey.

I feel so silly.

Yeah, me too.

Why?

This is like something out of an old time movie.

Yeah.

What?

Well, the two of us sitting here

and me waiting for you to tell me all about the man

I think I'm in love with.

You think you're-- you're in love with?

Well, I can't be sure.

After all, the only time I met him face to face

was at the hospital, and then he was just coming out of ether.

Yeah, he-- he thought he was dead.

[chuckles] He said you looked like an angel.

He said-- and he-- he was right.

He kid-- wasn't kidding, you do.

JULIE KINCAID: Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

Now come on, Stacey.

Tell me all about Jim.

I mean, tell me what he's doing, what he looks like, what

he says about me, everything.

He got a haircut.

I haven't heard [inaudible].

Well, the reason--

the reason you haven't heard from him, Julie,

is because in his last letter--

here.

Oh, Stacey, special delivery.

Thank you so much.

You don't mind if I open it now, do you?

Oh, I think it'd be better that way.

It's-- for the both of us kind of.

"Dear Julie, take a good hard look at Stacey

because what I have to tell you concerns him".

You know, he mentioned you in every letter.

[chuckles]

"First of all, Julie, I want you

to know that my pen is no longer the adequate courier

of my feelings for you".

Oh, isn't that sweet?

He's a real poet.

[shrieks]

"And I think the time has come for me

to step from behind this paper curtain and let you

discover a truth about us".

Maybe I better read the rest myself.

No, read out loud, out loud.

"I'm not the man you think I am.

You have said in your letters that you think

of me as kind and considerate.

Well, maybe I am, but Jim Garner isn't.

If you want to meet the man who wrote these letters, the man

you really love, just lower this page and look straight ahead".

You wrote all these letters?

Yeah.

And you signed his name?

Yeah.

How could you?

[bellows]

Are-- are you mad?

[bellows]

Oh, wait a minute.

I don't think you've made a mistake here, ma'am.

I don't think I'll write her any more letters.

What time is it?

It's almost 12.

Well, she must like him.

Well, I don't know why he didn't come

back here to help us help him.

Well, the kitchen is ready to roll.

Oh, thanks, Lou.

It's my job.

I hope you guys got more luck in this joint than the last guy.

Do you know how many bosses I've wait for in this cellar

in the last three years?

ROB PETRIE: How many?

I don't know how many.

That's how many.

[groans] In the last year, this place has been called

the winery, the salad bowl, the fruit cup,

the tea bag, and now--

what's the name now?

Coffee pot.

What can I tell you?

You mean to tell me nobody's ever made a go here?

Yeah, the first guy, he had the right idea for this cellar.

ROB PETRIE: What'd he have here?

A cellar.

Well, see you tomorrow night at the grand opening.

Yeah, what time does the crowd usually get here?

A crowd never gets here.

See you tomorrow night.

We'll have plenty of time to talk.

Bye.

Bye.

Anyway, Stacey's romance has got a lot

better chance in his business.

Why'd he hire such a pessimist?

I think he came with a lease.

STACEY PETRIE: (SINGING) I dream of Jeanie

with the light brown hair.

Who's that?

In this neighborhood, maybe gypsies.

LAURA PETRIE: Stacey?

Yeah, oh, boy.

[chuckles] Oh, well, what's the use?

What's the use?

Stacey, what happened with Julie?

A man starts out, his hopes are high, and then it happens.

His plans are dashed to the ground, so he buys a bottle

and ends up in the gutter.

He just lies there singing.

Wait a minute, you been-- you've been

lying in a gutter singing?

Not me, a guy near the subway.

But I could end up there.

Oh, come on, Stace.

You don't even drink.

Meh, I could learn.

Willie Cooke learned.

Ah, who's Willie Cooke.

The guy in the gutter.

How do you know his name?

[chuckles] You get to know a lot about a guy when you spend

an evening with him, Laura.

You spent an evening in the gutter with a drunk?

I couldn't let him just lie there.

I bought him a bowl of lentil soup.

Oh, well, that was nice of you.

Ha.

Nice of me?

Rob, there but for the grace of Providence, go you.

Me?

How'd I get in there?

Well, I'll tell you.

If, um--

Laura.

--Laura, here, had turned you down the way his girl once did

or the way my Julie did, you could--

you could be lying in the, ah--

ROB PETRIE: The gutter?

Yeah.

Julie didn't like you?

Didn't like me?

She hit me.

She hit you?

Twice, at least twice.

It would have been more if tinker hadn't stepped in.

Who's tinker?

He'll get to it.

A man goes to a girl with his heart in his hands

and she just turns him away just-- just

because of one little detail.

Yeah, well, Stace, posing as somebody else

really isn't a little detail.

He was a brilliant actor.

- Who? - Tinker.

Willie Cooke.

Oh, the drunk.

STACEY PETRIE: Yeah.

I should have never told Julie I was me.

Yeah, but you had to, sooner or later.

At least we still would have been in love with each other.

Now she hates me.

Should never have told her.

Well, Stace, look.

In one way, you're lucky.

At least you know exactly where you stand.

Something like this hurts for a little while,

but you can go on with other things.

What other things?

What you-- your career, the new club.

No, I don't care.

Oh, Rob, not now.

Yes, now.

He's a big boy now.

He's got responsibilities to himself and us.

Well, then maybe if you--

Well, maybe you should go make some coffee, honey.

We don't have any.

Stace, you remember what Pop used to tell us

that no two human beings in the world

are any closer together than two brothers are?

Yeah, Pop [inaudible]

Well, no matter how much we ever disagreed or fought,

we could always at least talk to each other.

That's what I like to do now, just talk to you.

Let me say, first of, Stace, I understand

exactly how you feel.

(SCREAMING) Nobody knows how I feel!

You don't know and she doesn't know.

There's only one man that knows.

That's a man who's been through it, Willie Cooke.

The drunk.

Yeah.

Take it easy.

[inaudible] that bad.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Laura.

I didn't mean to shout.

LAURA PETRIE: Oh, Stace, that's all right.

You got to let it out sometimes, it's better that way.

And I know exactly how you feel.

(SCREAMING) Nobody knows how I feel!

OK, nobody knows how you feel.

No, Stace, I didn't mean that I know how you feel.

I just meant that it isn't hard to understand.

Honey, don't dare say it.

Well, you-- you know what I mean.

I'm-- I'm sorry.

Where, ah-- Stace, wait a minute.

Where are you-- where you heading?

Out.

Where?

I don't know.

Well-- well, Stacey, it's after midnight.

Yeah, look, Stace.

Why don't you go home, get some rest?

You got a big day tomorrow.

It's opening night here.

Mhm, let it open without me.

But Stace, it can't.

You are the only one in the show.

So it won't open.

Now come on, Stace.

You can't go out and wander around in the dark.

Rob, will you please get out of my way?

Look, Stace, I'm your older brother.

You're living with me.

I have got money invested in this.

I hung up your pots for you.

And what's more, I do know how you feel.

(SCREAMING) Nobody knows how I feel!

Everybody knows how you feel.

(SCREAMING) Nobody knows!

Everybody knows how you feel.

Really?

Yes.

You think you're the only guy who's ever been rejected?

LAURA PETRIE: Stacey, we've all been ejected.

That's right.

Honey, would you please tell him how you felt

about me when we first met?

Just tell him, will you?

Well, I couldn't stand Rob.

I thought he was arrogant, repulsive, insufferable.

Just hearing his voice, Stacey, used to make my flesh crawl.

I thought he was just about the most--

What we're trying to say, Stace, is that maybe it

isn't over with Julie.

You know, I mean, look at us.

Our beginnings couldn't have been any worse.

I thought he was brash and vulgar.

I think we've covered that, honey.

It's just that-- the thing is that there's

not just one person for every other person, Stace.

Right.

If Rob had continued to revolt me,

I have no doubt in this world I would

have found somebody just as nice as Rob, maybe even nicer.

And I wouldn't exactly have jumped off a cliff if I

hadn't married Laura either.

I could have-- there was not telling

what kind of a great girl I might have found.

Yeah, I--

I guess you're right.

I'll-- I'll go in the office and get my banjo.

I'll go with you.

Oh, good.

You think I was a little too tough on him?

No, no, I think I was a little too tough on you.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was a little too tough on him.

No, you weren't, darling.

If you'd upset him, he'd never have

agreed to come home with us.

Honey--

Yeah.

--isn't, ah, Stacey's banjo back at our house?

It was on the chair.

Yeah.

Then what is in the office?

The alley.

Stacey!

Stacey, come back.

The son of a gun ran away.

Where to?

Well, I hope he didn't go back to the gutter

with that drunk, Willie Cooke.

Poor guy, I know exactly how he feels.

(SCREAMING) Nobody knows how he feels!

I'm his older brother, I don't know how he feels.

How could you possible know how he feels?

I--

Everybody needs to know how the poor kid feels.

[phone ringing]

Keep ringing, I'm coming.

Keep ringing.

LAURA PETRIE: Oh, Rob, open the door.

Hello, hello!

Don't hang up, hello.

JULIE KINCAID: [inaudible]

No, who's this?

This is Julie Kincaid.

Oh, this is his brother, Rob.

Is Stace there?

Ah, no.

Isn't he there?

No, he isn't here.

It's Julie.

I've been trying to reach him all night.

What do you want him for?

Oh, um, well, that's rather personal.

What, what?

Well, just a second.

It's rather personal.

Rob, you can tell me.

No, I mean, she's been looking for him

all night and-- and she wants to tell

him something very personal.

It's-- - Oh.

Listen, Julie.

JULIE KINCAID (ON PHONE): Yeah.

Stacey told us the whole story.

Ooh, you must hate me.

No, you must hate Stace.

Oh, no, I don't.

Not at all, not at all.

- Oh, that's wonderful. - What?

What--

She doesn't hate Stace at all, not at all.

And as a matter of fact--

As a matter of fact-- I'm telling my wife.

JULIE KINCAID (ON PHONE): Oh.

I'm sure she'll understand exactly how I felt.

She says she's sure you understand how she felt.

Oh, I'm sure she felt just awful.

She says she's sure you felt just awful, Julie.

Oh, I did, I did.

She did.

Oh, she did.

I've done a lot of thinking since then.

She's done a lot of thinking since then.

And when it first happened, when he first told me

how he fooled me, I said to myself,

I hate that Stacey Petrie more than anything in this world.

She hates him more than anything in this world.

Oh, well, the heck with her.

The heck with-- no.

Wait a minute.

I skipped the part, that was before.

Oh.

Well, how does she feel about him now?

Ah, Julie, how do you feel about him now?

All I really know about either Jim or Stacey

is what I read in those letters.

Right.

And I became interested in the man who wrote those letters.

So Stacey must be a pretty nice guy.

- A great guy. - Who?

Who's a great guy?

Stacey.

Did she say that?

No, I said that.

Please.

Um, my wife's talking to me.

I just wonder if you'd give Stacey a message for me.

ROB PETRIE (ON PHONE): Oh, sure, sure.

Would you tell him that I'm--

I'm sorry for the way I acted, and I'd like to see him again.

And I'd like to come to the club opening tomorrow

night if he still wants me.

Oh, Julie, I know he'd want you to come.

To where-- to where?

To the club-- club.

Honey, please, will you-- oh, no, not you, Julia.

I'll, ah-- I'll see you at the club.

OK, thanks a lot.

Bye.

ROB PETRIE (ON PHONE): Bye.

That's great, she's coming to the opening tomorrow night.

What makes you think Stacey is gonna be there?

Well, honey, I know my brother.

He's the kind of a kid that if he doesn't show up,

I'll kill him.

Ha, good evening, folks.

Welcome to the tea bag.

The coffee pot.

What's the difference?

How do you like this for a turn out-- turn out?

[chuckles] In three years, this is the worst,

even the boss didn't show up.

You're saying he's not here?

I just told you he's not here.

By the way, where is that brother of yours, Mr. Banjo?

We haven't seen him since yesterday.

Well, I wonder what they'll call this place next.

It must be me.

Got to be me.

I'm gonna kill him.

I'll kill him.

Rob, do you think we ought to call the police?

Maybe.

He might end up in the gutter with that drunken

actor, Willie Cooke, again.

Sir, I have an announcement to make.

I have left the gutter for good!

Willie Cooke?

At your definite service, sir.

Where's Stacey?

Your brother [inaudible] though he

is will arrive here presently, refreshed

and ready for his debut.

And for that, sir, you may thank me.

Well, I will thank you when I see him.

Thank away, sir, for younger the marry young minstrel

approaches.

Oh, Stacey, thank goodness.

Good evening, Stacey.

I'll see you [inaudible].

Hi, Willie.

Stacey, I ought to belt you.

What-- why didn't you tell us where you were?

Do you know we were ready to call the police?

Well, I-- I--

I had to think this one out for myself.

ROB PETRIE: And?

Well, I've always wanted a place like this.

And-- and you know, I'm the kind of guy if I didn't show up,

you'd kill me.

So I decided to try to make a go of it.

Well, good boy.

What'd you decide about Julie?

That I never want to see her again.

Oh, dear.

Stace, she's coming here tonight.

What?

Yeah, she-- she called last night to apologize.

Well, I don't--

I don't care.

She's out of my system and I never want to see her again.

I see her again, she's back in my system.

Hello, Stacey.

Hi.

I-- I just want you to know that--

I know, and for me too, It's always--

Well, I understand.

And when you said that--

Well, it's impossible for me to say.

Well, I did and when you--

I really--

Oh, that's why it's important.

Yes, it is.

I don't understand a word they're saying.

As long as they do, dear, that's all that matters.

And now presenting the star and the proprietor

of the coffee pot, Mr Banjo, himself, Mr. Stacey Petrie.

[applause]

Kill them!

[chuckles] Thank you, Willie.

Um, before I kill you, I'd like to thank everybody who

made this evening possible for me and especially,

the one person who in my heart is the most responsible

for my being here.

My heartfelt and deep appreciation

go out to-- to Willie Cooke.

[chuckles]

[MUSIC - JERRY VAN DYKE, "HELLO DOLLY"]

(SINGING) Hello, Dolly.

Well, hello.

Thank you, Lou.

(SINGING)It's so nice to have you back where you belong.

[theme song]