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[theme music playing]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Are you sure you have the tickets?
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Well honey, I've got them right here,
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just relax and enjoy a nice meal.
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We've got plenty of time.
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Have you made your choices?
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Yes, we have.
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I think we'll have the specialty du jour.
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The specialty of the day, very good choice.
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Two calf's head vinaigrette.
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Calf's head?
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Wait, wait a minute, the specialty's
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supposed to, supposed to be the trout amandine.
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No, no, no, no.
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Trout amandine is for Wednesday.
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Well, today is Wednesday.
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No, it's not.
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Well, it better be, we got tickets for a show.
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For Maurice, it is Tuesday.
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Maurice?
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The chef.
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You see, he was sick Monday.
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He came in Tuesday, and he start the week a day late.
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Can we eat the calf's head?
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I don't think so.
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No, I think we'll have a little something else.
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What would you suggest here?
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Well, how about trout amandine?
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You just said--
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I just said it is not the specialty.
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Well, what's the difference?
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About $0.40.
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Well, we'll have-- we'll have two trout
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amandine and some white wine.
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Fine.
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Honey, did I tell you how lovely you look tonight?
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I don't believe it.
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No, I mean it, with the hair or something,
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you look different.
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- Rob, put your head down. - Huh?
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- Get down. - What do you mean?
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Ow.
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What'd I say, honey?
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Rob, just stay down.
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Oh, you broke the skin, I think.
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Just stay down, Rob.
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I'm not going to stay down until you
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tell me what's going on. What's going on?
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Rob, a couple just came into the restaurant,
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and I don't think they'd like us to know they're here.
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What couple?
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This one.
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Oh, that's a fine table.
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Whose feet were those?
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Jerry Helper.
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Jerry and Millie?
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I thought they couldn't come tonight.
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Not-- don't turn around.
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Not Millie.
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It's not Millie?
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Definitely not Millie.
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Rob, move your chair over so they can't see me.
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Who's he with?
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I haven't the slightest idea.
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Who is that girl?
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Rob, don't turn around.
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Are you sure it's Jerry?
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Of course I'm sure it's Jerry.
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Who is-- Rob, don't.
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How can I tell you who is that girl if you
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don't let me turn around?
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All right, then turn around, he's not looking.
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No.
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Have you got a mirror?
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That's a good idea.
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Poor Millie.
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Honey, that's a pretty big jump
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from who is she to poor Millie.
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All I know is that Millie said the reason they
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couldn't come with us tonight was because Jerry
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was busy at the office.
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Some busy.
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I bet that looks a little funny.
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[inaudible]
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To each his own.
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A glass of wine for you, sir, and one
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for your lovely daughter.
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No, I'm his wife.
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Oh, I'm sorry.
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But in our little hideaway, not every couple
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is husband and wife.
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Poor Millie.
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Honey, what do you mean, poor Millie?
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- Take a look. - Is it OK?
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Yes.
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Poor Millie.
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It's none of our business and I refuse.
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Rob, it is not such a terrible thing
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just to look in someone's garage to see if their car is there.
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I don't think so, I don't want to spy on my friend
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see if he's home yet.
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Well then I will.
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Well?
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It's not there.
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What does that prove, honey?
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It proves poor Millie.
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Will you stop with the poor Millie?
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My gosh, all the way home, poor Millie,
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all the way through dinner, all the way through that show,
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poor Millie.
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I see a hit musical, I came out humming poor Millie.
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Besides, we don't even know if it's poor Millie.
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Well, what then, poor Jerry?
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Why not poor Jerry?
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You have no idea why he was having dinner with that blond.
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He was having dinner and having the time of his life.
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He was just having dinner.
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Rob, you didn't even see them.
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How could I see them?
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You wouldn't let me see them.
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I told you what I saw.
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Let me just recap for you what you saw.
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You saw two people sitting there, chatting amiably.
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Very amiably.
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All right, all right, very amiably.
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He lit a couple of cigarettes for her.
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Mhmm, which is something he never did for poor Millie.
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I don't even do it for you half the time.
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All right, but I don't see you at a restaurant having
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dinner with a blond floozy.
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Whoa, now hold it.
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Since when did she become a blond floozy?
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I thought she looked like a very nice girl.
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Oh, Rob, you hardly saw her.
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Honey, I saw her legs when they came in,
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and those were not the legs of a floozy.
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Oh, Rob.
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Let's not be cute.
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No, really, she looked like a very nice girl to me.
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All right, Rob, but whoever or whatever she was,
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the fact remains she was having dinner
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with somebody else's husband.
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Maybe she didn't know that.
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Oh, come on.
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Look, honey, when a man's out on the town
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he doesn't go around telling girls he's marr--
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forget what I said.
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I didn't-- you know--
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you're just twisting my words.
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You know what I mean.
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You mean poor Millie.
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I don't mean any such thing, honey.
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There's probably a very decent explanation
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of why the two of them were having dinner
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in that restaurant tonight.
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If there was any evil in the situation, it was at our table.
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Rob, how can you say that?
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You and I are the ones that jumped to a sordid conclusion
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about it. We're the ones that hid.
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They walked in there like two upright Americans with nothing
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to hide.
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Now if we had sat up like normal people,
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Jerry would have probably come right over to the table
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and said, hello Laura and Rob, I'd like for you
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to meet my cousin from Denver.
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And we would have said--
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Baloney.
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No, honey, we would have said, won't you join us?
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We would probably have had a very
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enjoyable evening with Jerry and his beautiful cousin
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from Denver.
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Rob, I hope you're right.
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But I keep remembering Millie said
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that the reason they couldn't come with us
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was because Jerry had a late appointment.
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So who says that she wasn't his late appointment?
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At the office?
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All right, it started at the office
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and ended up at the restaurant.
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Hmm.
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Why, it's possible, honey.
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Maybe he fixed her teeth and took
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her out to see if they work.
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Rob, why are you defending Jerry?
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I'm not defending Jerry.
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I am defending the principle that a man
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is innocent until his wife proves him guilty.
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I must say--
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Shh. [sound of car]
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It's Jerry's car.
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It's him.
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Well, it's about time.
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OK, now you've got him all punched in,
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can we please go to bed?
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Where do you suppose they went after the restaurant?
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I don't know, why don't you call him on the phone
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and ask him where he went?
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- I don't think we'll have to. - Why?
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Don't turn around.
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He brought her home?
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No, Rob, it's Jerry.
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What'll we do?
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We'll just say hi, hi Jerry.
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No, I mean--
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Hi, Jerry.
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- What do we say about tonight? - Huh?
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We'll just tell him we saw a good play tonight.
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Rob, I mean his tonight.
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Well, we'll talk about our tonight
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if he wants to talk about his tonight.
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- All right. - It's his choice.
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OK, well I'm going to bed.
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No, don't go to bed.
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He saw you, he'll think something's wrong.
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Well, he probably doesn't want me to be here.
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Honey, please, huh?
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[stammering] I'll let him in, he knows you're here.
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Hi, Jerry.
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Oh, hiya, Jerry.
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What's the big discussion?
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It's cold out there.
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I saw your lights on. Hi, Laura.
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Hello, Jerry.
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We've just had an argument about the show
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we saw about tonight. - Yeah?
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Well, how was it? - Oh, great, great.
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Oh gee, I wish I could have seen it,
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but I wish we could joined you.
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Who?
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You, you guys.
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I wish we could have joined you, but well, I, I had,
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I got hung up.
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Hung up?
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Uh, well, we understand that, Jerry.
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We'll get tickets for something next week.
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We'll all go out. - Oh, great, great.
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You know, I owe Millie a night on the town.
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Uh-huh.
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Well then, great.
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I'll get four tickets, and we'll go out just like old times.
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Fine.
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Oh, except Tuesday.
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I've got this late thing on Tuesday.
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- Uh, like tonight? - Yeah, right.
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I see.
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Oh listen, could I steal a cup of coffee?
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I've been dying for one.
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I went to this restaurant, they served rotten coffee.
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Jerry, I'm sorry, we haven't got any coffee.
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Gee, Rob and I had marvelous coffee.
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We had dinner at the White Peacock.
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What's that got to do with anything, honey?
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You-- you had dinner at the White Peacock?
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Um-hmm.
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Hey Jerry, how about a little milk?
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Yeah, OK, fine.
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Which White Peacock, east or west?
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West, why do you ask?
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East, north, west or south, what difference does it make?
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A peacock's a peacock, isn't it?
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West, are you sure?
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I was at the White Peacock west.
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You were?
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How about that, honey, he was at the Peacock west.
268
00:08:41,587 --> 00:08:42,922
That's a surprise, isn't it?
269
00:08:43,022 --> 00:08:44,790
I didn't see you, did you see me?
270
00:08:44,891 --> 00:08:46,459
Well, as a matter of fact--
271
00:08:46,559 --> 00:08:48,261
As a matter of fact, we came before you left.
272
00:08:49,795 --> 00:08:52,565
We, we, you weren't there yet, we didn't see you, Jerry.
273
00:08:53,599 --> 00:08:55,234
It's too bad we didn't see each other.
274
00:08:55,334 --> 00:08:57,870
That way, you wouldn't have had to eat alone.
275
00:08:57,970 --> 00:09:00,606
Yeah, yeah, right, right, but well,
276
00:09:00,706 --> 00:09:02,475
actually, I didn't eat alone.
277
00:09:02,575 --> 00:09:04,076
How about that, honey?
278
00:09:04,176 --> 00:09:05,378
Jerry didn't eat alone.
279
00:09:05,478 --> 00:09:06,612
And you were worried.
280
00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:07,747
Worried?
281
00:09:07,847 --> 00:09:09,949
Well, that you had to eat alone.
282
00:09:10,049 --> 00:09:11,550
Who did you have dinner with?
283
00:09:11,651 --> 00:09:14,186
Well, I, I was with this doctor friend of mine.
284
00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:15,221
A doctor.
285
00:09:15,321 --> 00:09:16,589
Tony Gagliardi.
286
00:09:20,359 --> 00:09:21,394
Tony Gagliardi?
287
00:09:21,494 --> 00:09:22,895
Yeah.
288
00:09:22,995 --> 00:09:24,263
A little more milk, Jerry?
289
00:09:24,363 --> 00:09:25,564
No.
290
00:09:25,665 --> 00:09:27,099
No, I really don't want it.
291
00:09:27,199 --> 00:09:28,801
Listen Rob, I think I'll, I'll make some coffee at home.
292
00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:30,002
- OK. - It's late.
293
00:09:30,102 --> 00:09:31,637
I'll see you both later. - Yeah, Jerry.
294
00:09:31,737 --> 00:09:33,139
- Good night. - Good night.
295
00:09:46,652 --> 00:09:47,787
Maybe she's Italian.
296
00:09:50,389 --> 00:09:53,025
Well, she could be, she could be a northern Italian.
297
00:09:53,125 --> 00:09:55,261
You know they're blond with blue eyed up there,
298
00:09:55,361 --> 00:09:57,263
or maybe it's bleached.
299
00:09:57,363 --> 00:09:58,864
And she's a doctor.
300
00:09:58,965 --> 00:10:01,701
Well, she doesn't have to be a doctor doctor, he didn't say.
301
00:10:01,801 --> 00:10:04,403
A PhD she could have been, or a veterinarian.
302
00:10:04,503 --> 00:10:06,172
Sure, a bleached vet.
303
00:10:07,974 --> 00:10:11,043
Look, honey, no matter who she is, it's none of our business.
304
00:10:11,143 --> 00:10:12,812
All right now, look, I can't say anything
305
00:10:12,912 --> 00:10:14,914
to Millie about this, but I think you ought
306
00:10:15,014 --> 00:10:16,148
to have a talk with Jerry.
307
00:10:16,248 --> 00:10:16,949
Me?
308
00:10:17,049 --> 00:10:18,551
Well, it's obvious I can't.
309
00:10:18,651 --> 00:10:21,621
Honey, I don't understand why anybody has to talk to anybody.
310
00:10:21,721 --> 00:10:23,055
It's their business.
311
00:10:23,155 --> 00:10:26,392
But Rob, they're our best friends.
312
00:10:26,492 --> 00:10:29,161
I know they're our best friends.
313
00:10:29,261 --> 00:10:32,898
Well, it wouldn't hurt I guess, to give Jerry the opportunity
314
00:10:32,999 --> 00:10:34,266
to talk to me about it.
315
00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:36,168
Maybe he wants to tell me who she really is.
316
00:10:36,268 --> 00:10:39,138
So you don't really believe she's a doctor either.
317
00:10:39,238 --> 00:10:43,576
Well, hon, it takes 12 years of hard, grueling study
318
00:10:43,676 --> 00:10:45,811
to become a doctor.
319
00:10:45,911 --> 00:10:47,213
Anybody with legs like that wouldn't
320
00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:48,381
have any time to study.
321
00:10:51,684 --> 00:10:53,319
Oh, that's too bad, Jerr.
322
00:10:53,419 --> 00:10:56,255
I thought maybe we could drive in together this morning.
323
00:10:56,355 --> 00:10:57,523
No, no.
324
00:10:57,623 --> 00:10:59,759
Well, listen, can we have lunch together?
325
00:10:59,859 --> 00:11:01,060
Well no, nothing important.
326
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:02,928
I-- I feel like I owe you a cup of coffee
327
00:11:03,029 --> 00:11:05,765
after last night not being able to.
328
00:11:05,865 --> 00:11:07,733
Oh, well, no, that's OK.
329
00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:10,436
No, I'll pick you and we'll drive back home-- uh--
330
00:11:10,536 --> 00:11:11,470
oh.
331
00:11:11,570 --> 00:11:12,905
Yeah.
332
00:11:13,005 --> 00:11:15,341
Well, look, have an early dinner, come over,
333
00:11:15,441 --> 00:11:17,676
we'll shoot a little pool.
334
00:11:17,777 --> 00:11:18,577
Oh, I see.
335
00:11:18,677 --> 00:11:20,112
No, I understand.
336
00:11:20,212 --> 00:11:22,515
We'll drive in together in the morning.
337
00:11:22,615 --> 00:11:23,449
Uh-huh.
338
00:11:23,549 --> 00:11:24,417
Uh-huh.
339
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,285
Well, how about Thursday?
340
00:11:28,654 --> 00:11:30,256
Friday?
341
00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:31,757
Yeah, that's, yeah, well.
342
00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:33,359
Well look, I'll see you the weekend.
343
00:11:33,459 --> 00:11:35,628
I promise to bring my tools over and help you--
344
00:11:35,728 --> 00:11:36,595
yeah.
345
00:11:36,695 --> 00:11:38,230
Oh, no, I understand, Jerry.
346
00:11:40,499 --> 00:11:43,803
Well, I'll see you in August, I guess, huh?
347
00:11:44,336 --> 00:11:44,904
Bye, Jerry.
348
00:11:45,004 --> 00:11:46,105
Rob, don't hang up.
349
00:11:46,205 --> 00:11:47,706
Oh wait, Jerry, don't hang up.
350
00:11:47,807 --> 00:11:49,241
Laura wants to talk to Millie.
351
00:11:49,341 --> 00:11:50,209
OK.
352
00:11:50,309 --> 00:11:52,244
Boy, does he not want to talk to me.
353
00:11:52,344 --> 00:11:54,513
I think he suspects we suspect him.
354
00:11:54,613 --> 00:11:55,848
You suspect him.
355
00:11:55,948 --> 00:11:57,116
Remember, I keep saying that Jerry is innocent.
356
00:11:57,216 --> 00:11:58,384
And why are you going to talk to Millie?
357
00:11:58,484 --> 00:11:59,985
I thought we said you weren't.
358
00:12:00,086 --> 00:12:03,055
I don't want to talk to her, but she may want to talk to me.
359
00:12:03,155 --> 00:12:04,590
Hi, Mill.
360
00:12:04,690 --> 00:12:06,725
How are you?
361
00:12:06,826 --> 00:12:08,394
You sound like you have a cold.
362
00:12:11,464 --> 00:12:12,932
Well, that's good.
363
00:12:13,032 --> 00:12:17,203
Say, Millie, I, I just made some great blueberry muffins.
364
00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:19,071
You want to come over and have some coffee?
365
00:12:19,705 --> 00:12:20,639
Fine.
366
00:12:20,739 --> 00:12:22,708
I'll see you in a little while.
367
00:12:22,808 --> 00:12:24,510
Honey, remember, let her do all the talking.
368
00:12:24,610 --> 00:12:25,978
I will.
369
00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:28,514
Let's just hope, Rob, there's nothing to talk about.
370
00:12:28,614 --> 00:12:30,116
Will you not act so nervous?
371
00:12:30,216 --> 00:12:32,017
I'm not acting nervous, but I promised her blueberry muffins.
372
00:12:32,118 --> 00:12:33,252
Now I got to make them.
373
00:12:37,089 --> 00:12:38,958
How do you like that husband of mine?
374
00:12:39,058 --> 00:12:41,127
Must have eaten half a dozen muffins.
375
00:12:41,227 --> 00:12:43,362
You really shouldn't have bothered making any more.
376
00:12:43,462 --> 00:12:46,365
I'm really not very hungry.
377
00:12:46,465 --> 00:12:47,733
Aren't you feeling well?
378
00:12:47,833 --> 00:12:49,235
Oh, I'm fine.
379
00:12:49,335 --> 00:12:51,971
I just don't seem to have much of an appetite lately.
380
00:12:52,071 --> 00:12:53,038
Oh?
381
00:12:53,139 --> 00:12:55,141
Well, maybe you ought to have a checkup.
382
00:12:55,241 --> 00:12:56,709
Well, I just had a checkup.
383
00:12:56,809 --> 00:12:58,544
Doctor says I'm fine.
384
00:12:58,644 --> 00:12:59,445
Fine.
385
00:12:59,545 --> 00:13:01,113
Hmph.
386
00:13:01,213 --> 00:13:04,783
Millie, I know just how you feel.
387
00:13:04,884 --> 00:13:06,819
It must be the weather.
388
00:13:06,919 --> 00:13:08,454
The weather's beautiful.
389
00:13:08,554 --> 00:13:11,690
I know, and that makes it worse, doesn't it?
390
00:13:11,790 --> 00:13:13,192
Makes what worse?
391
00:13:13,292 --> 00:13:16,462
Well, whatever it is that's making you feel depressed.
392
00:13:16,562 --> 00:13:18,564
I didn't say I was depressed.
393
00:13:18,664 --> 00:13:20,900
I just said I wasn't hungry.
394
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,702
Oh, yeah, that's right.
395
00:13:23,802 --> 00:13:26,071
Laura, do I seem depressed to you?
396
00:13:26,172 --> 00:13:29,408
No, you-- you just don't seem hungry.
397
00:13:31,911 --> 00:13:33,179
Laura?
398
00:13:33,279 --> 00:13:35,147
Yes?
399
00:13:35,247 --> 00:13:36,916
Maybe I will have another muffin.
400
00:13:37,016 --> 00:13:38,784
It might be just the thing I need.
401
00:13:38,884 --> 00:13:41,086
Sure, Millie, a nice hot muffin, it'll
402
00:13:41,187 --> 00:13:42,855
cheer your whole mood up.
403
00:13:42,955 --> 00:13:43,989
What mood?
404
00:13:44,089 --> 00:13:45,291
Well, you just seem--
405
00:13:45,391 --> 00:13:47,793
Have I seemed moody to you lately?
406
00:13:47,893 --> 00:13:50,095
No no, Millie, you seem just fine.
407
00:13:50,196 --> 00:13:52,965
Well, I'm glad someone thinks so.
408
00:13:53,065 --> 00:13:55,634
Well, who doesn't think so?
409
00:13:55,734 --> 00:13:58,437
Well, I for one don't.
410
00:13:58,537 --> 00:14:03,809
If I ask you something, would you give me an honest answer?
411
00:14:03,909 --> 00:14:05,244
Well, sure Millie.
412
00:14:05,344 --> 00:14:06,445
What is it?
413
00:14:06,545 --> 00:14:09,748
Well, even if you knew that by telling the truth,
414
00:14:09,848 --> 00:14:13,452
you might hurt someone you like?
415
00:14:13,552 --> 00:14:17,223
Well, I guess that would depend on how
416
00:14:17,323 --> 00:14:19,358
much that person would be hurt.
417
00:14:19,458 --> 00:14:20,859
Let's say a lot.
418
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:22,695
Would you?
419
00:14:22,795 --> 00:14:27,499
Well, then I guess too it would depend on who that person
420
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:28,901
I like was.
421
00:14:29,001 --> 00:14:32,638
Let's say it was someone you liked as well as me.
422
00:14:32,738 --> 00:14:35,307
Oh, well, Millie, there aren't very many people I like
423
00:14:35,407 --> 00:14:36,508
as well as you.
424
00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:37,543
Oh.
425
00:14:42,848 --> 00:14:46,752
Well, let's say it was me.
426
00:14:46,852 --> 00:14:47,987
Is it you?
427
00:14:48,087 --> 00:14:49,154
Yes, it's me.
428
00:14:49,255 --> 00:14:50,222
[crying]
429
00:14:50,623 --> 00:14:51,557
Millie.
430
00:14:51,657 --> 00:14:54,093
Oh Millie, go ahead, let it out.
431
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:03,569
Laura, you know how much I was looking
432
00:15:03,669 --> 00:15:07,006
forward to going with you and Rob to that play last night?
433
00:15:07,106 --> 00:15:09,008
Yeah, Millie, you were the one who suggested
434
00:15:09,108 --> 00:15:10,342
that we get the tickets.
435
00:15:10,442 --> 00:15:11,610
That's right.
436
00:15:11,710 --> 00:15:14,546
And you know why we didn't go?
437
00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:17,449
Well, you, you said that Jerry had an appointment.
438
00:15:17,549 --> 00:15:21,086
Do you know who the appointment was with?
439
00:15:21,186 --> 00:15:23,289
Well no, how would I know?
440
00:15:23,389 --> 00:15:26,292
I can't tell you, I'm too ashamed.
441
00:15:28,694 --> 00:15:30,496
Oh, I can't open the door?
442
00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:33,732
Thank you.
443
00:15:33,832 --> 00:15:35,034
You're welcome.
444
00:15:38,737 --> 00:15:39,672
Rotten Jerry.
445
00:15:41,473 --> 00:15:44,843
How about doing a husband and wife sketch?
446
00:15:44,943 --> 00:15:46,545
Why make fun of marriage?
447
00:15:46,645 --> 00:15:48,781
Since when are you defending marriage?
448
00:15:48,881 --> 00:15:50,015
I think marriage is wonderful.
449
00:15:50,115 --> 00:15:51,283
Without it, husbands and wives would
450
00:15:51,383 --> 00:15:53,819
have to fight with strangers.
451
00:15:53,919 --> 00:15:55,821
Why don't we do a good jealousy sketch.
452
00:15:55,921 --> 00:15:57,089
You and Laura having a problem?
453
00:15:57,189 --> 00:15:58,657
No, why do you ask that?
454
00:15:58,757 --> 00:16:00,559
Well, because every sketch idea you've come up with today
455
00:16:00,659 --> 00:16:03,228
has to do with husbands and wives not getting along.
456
00:16:03,329 --> 00:16:03,929
Yeah.
457
00:16:04,029 --> 00:16:04,897
What'd Laura do?
458
00:16:04,997 --> 00:16:06,031
Nothing.
459
00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:09,301
She happens to be crazy about me.
460
00:16:09,401 --> 00:16:12,705
I'd like to ask you kind of a hypothetical question, though.
461
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:14,573
Hey, he's up to the h's.
462
00:16:14,673 --> 00:16:16,842
Yeah, hypothetical.
463
00:16:16,942 --> 00:16:18,444
You know what that means?
464
00:16:18,544 --> 00:16:19,712
It means it's happened to him, but he's going to try and make
465
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:20,713
us think it was somebody else.
466
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:22,247
No, it isn't me.
467
00:16:22,348 --> 00:16:24,817
Look, suppose-- suppose a person had a friend.
468
00:16:24,917 --> 00:16:26,051
It's him.
469
00:16:26,785 --> 00:16:28,220
No, it's not.
470
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:31,023
You know, a friend who to all intents and purposes
471
00:16:31,123 --> 00:16:32,758
is a happily married friend.
472
00:16:32,858 --> 00:16:33,659
Happily married.
473
00:16:33,759 --> 00:16:34,626
Well, that lets me out.
474
00:16:34,727 --> 00:16:35,527
And me.
475
00:16:35,627 --> 00:16:37,296
Can you guys stop it?
476
00:16:37,396 --> 00:16:41,033
Now suppose this person saw the friend at a restaurant having
477
00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:42,668
dinner with a strange woman. - Yeah.
478
00:16:42,768 --> 00:16:44,002
Yeah. Go on.
479
00:16:44,103 --> 00:16:46,238
Well, should the person who did the seeing
480
00:16:46,338 --> 00:16:48,006
tell his friend that he saw him?
481
00:16:48,107 --> 00:16:51,377
And how would you go about telling him?
482
00:16:51,477 --> 00:16:54,847
Hey, I'm not a college fellow, you know, so would you kind
483
00:16:54,947 --> 00:16:56,615
of un-hypothetical this for me?
484
00:16:56,715 --> 00:16:58,050
What do you mean?
485
00:16:58,150 --> 00:16:59,785
Well, I mean, are you the guy who did the seeing?
486
00:16:59,885 --> 00:17:01,086
Yeah.
487
00:17:01,186 --> 00:17:02,354
As a matter of fact, Laura and I both saw.
488
00:17:03,288 --> 00:17:04,723
Ah, Buddy, hey, didn't I tell you?
489
00:17:04,823 --> 00:17:05,657
I told you.
490
00:17:05,758 --> 00:17:06,959
What?
491
00:17:07,059 --> 00:17:08,260
I told Buddy, but he wouldn't believe me.
492
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:09,561
See, I told you, but you wouldn't believe me.
493
00:17:09,661 --> 00:17:10,629
Tell him what?
494
00:17:10,729 --> 00:17:13,198
Talking about Jerry Helper, aren't you?
495
00:17:13,298 --> 00:17:14,767
Who told you, Sal?
496
00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:15,734
Nobody told me.
497
00:17:15,834 --> 00:17:17,236
I could have told you.
498
00:17:17,336 --> 00:17:19,138
Were you there last night?
499
00:17:19,238 --> 00:17:20,773
Were they out again last night?
500
00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:23,108
Again?
501
00:17:23,208 --> 00:17:24,209
When did you see them?
502
00:17:24,309 --> 00:17:27,846
About two weeks ago.
503
00:17:27,946 --> 00:17:29,047
Are you sure?
504
00:17:29,148 --> 00:17:30,349
Look, what do you mean is she sure?
505
00:17:30,449 --> 00:17:32,317
She tried-- I had to almost tape up her mouth
506
00:17:32,418 --> 00:17:33,652
to keep her from telling you.
507
00:17:33,752 --> 00:17:35,387
Yeah, well he said it was none of my business
508
00:17:35,487 --> 00:17:36,889
and it was probably a patient or a cousin or something.
509
00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:38,190
Yeah.
510
00:17:38,290 --> 00:17:39,992
That's just exactly what I said to Laura.
511
00:17:40,092 --> 00:17:41,160
Where did you see him?
512
00:17:41,260 --> 00:17:42,261
Getting into a cab.
513
00:17:42,361 --> 00:17:43,195
Where'd they go?
514
00:17:43,295 --> 00:17:44,963
I didn't follow them.
515
00:17:45,063 --> 00:17:46,432
Well, where did they come from?
516
00:17:46,532 --> 00:17:47,533
How do I know?
517
00:17:47,633 --> 00:17:49,735
Sal, why did you wait till now to tell me?
518
00:17:49,835 --> 00:17:51,370
We didn't think there was anything to tell.
519
00:17:51,470 --> 00:17:52,971
Yeah, he didn't but I did.
520
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,307
You see, I told you we should've told Rob right then and there.
521
00:17:55,407 --> 00:17:56,742
Yeah, so what, so they'd have gotten
522
00:17:56,842 --> 00:17:58,243
a divorce two weeks earlier.
523
00:17:59,778 --> 00:18:01,280
Where'd you see them?
524
00:18:01,380 --> 00:18:03,048
Well, last night Laura and I were having dinner at the White
525
00:18:03,148 --> 00:18:07,786
Peacock and in Jerry walks with this big, tall, bleached blond.
526
00:18:07,886 --> 00:18:09,021
Bleached blond?
527
00:18:09,121 --> 00:18:10,155
Well, Laura thought she was bleached.
528
00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:11,824
Oh, she's bleached all right.
529
00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:13,125
What makes you so sure?
530
00:18:13,225 --> 00:18:15,461
Because when I saw them, she was a redhead.
531
00:18:15,561 --> 00:18:16,195
A redhead?
532
00:18:16,295 --> 00:18:18,464
A short redhead.
533
00:18:18,564 --> 00:18:20,199
We saw him with a tall blond.
534
00:18:20,299 --> 00:18:22,234
My gosh, he's got two of them.
535
00:18:22,334 --> 00:18:23,535
Not necessarily.
536
00:18:23,635 --> 00:18:25,003
Maybe when she dies her hair, she shrinks.
537
00:18:25,103 --> 00:18:26,572
Oh, come on.
538
00:18:27,873 --> 00:18:29,208
Oh, boy.
539
00:18:29,308 --> 00:18:31,210
Well, that does it, no matter how unpleasant it is,
540
00:18:31,310 --> 00:18:33,078
I'm going to have to sit my friend Jerry down and have
541
00:18:33,178 --> 00:18:34,213
a nice long talk with him.
542
00:18:34,313 --> 00:18:36,014
Yeah, I think you're right, Rob.
543
00:18:36,114 --> 00:18:38,016
That boy sure needs help.
544
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:39,284
Needs help?
545
00:18:39,384 --> 00:18:40,853
I think he's doing beautifully by himself.
546
00:18:44,156 --> 00:18:45,958
Now honey, if you run into Jerry in the path,
547
00:18:46,058 --> 00:18:46,959
don't say a word to him.
548
00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:48,360
I won't.
549
00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:49,761
And remember, not a word to Millie until after I
550
00:18:49,862 --> 00:18:51,363
talk to Jerry and you and I have another meeting.
551
00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:53,899
Oh Rob, let's just hope this is some crazy mistake
552
00:18:53,999 --> 00:18:55,133
and not what we know it is.
553
00:18:55,234 --> 00:18:58,270
Don't worry, honey, it is.
554
00:18:58,370 --> 00:18:59,471
Oh, hi, Jerry.
555
00:18:59,571 --> 00:19:01,006
I see you have your plunger.
556
00:19:01,106 --> 00:19:02,808
Uh, well, here's Rob.
557
00:19:02,908 --> 00:19:03,742
Good-bye.
558
00:19:03,842 --> 00:19:04,743
Bye.
559
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:08,847
What's the matter with her?
560
00:19:08,947 --> 00:19:10,149
What's the matter with you?
561
00:19:10,249 --> 00:19:12,017
What's the matter with your garbage disposal?
562
00:19:12,117 --> 00:19:13,418
Garbage disposal?
563
00:19:13,519 --> 00:19:14,720
Yeah, you said there was something wrong with it.
564
00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:16,121
- Oh, yeah. - Well, let's take a look at it.
565
00:19:16,221 --> 00:19:18,023
Jerry, there's nothing wrong with it.
566
00:19:18,123 --> 00:19:18,991
Well, you just told me--
567
00:19:19,091 --> 00:19:20,692
I know it, Jerry, I lied.
568
00:19:20,792 --> 00:19:21,627
You lied?
569
00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:22,728
Yes, I lied.
570
00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:25,497
We all lie once in a while, don't we, Jerry?
571
00:19:25,597 --> 00:19:28,500
Yeah, but-- hey Rob, what's with you?
572
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:29,234
You.
573
00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:30,802
You are with me.
574
00:19:30,903 --> 00:19:32,504
You know, that's the second time I've lied to you this week.
575
00:19:32,604 --> 00:19:34,806
When was the first time?
576
00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:37,242
Jerry, put that plunger down and listen to me.
577
00:19:37,342 --> 00:19:38,944
Hey Rob, what goes?
578
00:19:39,044 --> 00:19:42,247
Laura and I saw you at the White Peacock last night.
579
00:19:42,347 --> 00:19:43,549
You saw me--
580
00:19:43,649 --> 00:19:45,450
well, why didn't you come over to the table?
581
00:19:45,551 --> 00:19:47,119
Jerry, I was with my wife.
582
00:19:47,219 --> 00:19:48,053
You weren't.
583
00:19:48,153 --> 00:19:49,021
Now who was she?
584
00:19:49,121 --> 00:19:50,455
I told you, Rob.
585
00:19:50,556 --> 00:19:53,158
I know you said a old friend, Dr. Tony Gagliardi.
586
00:19:53,258 --> 00:19:54,593
Are you going to stick with that story?
587
00:19:54,693 --> 00:19:55,727
Rob, that is--
588
00:19:55,827 --> 00:19:58,230
hey, wait a minute, you don't think that I was--
589
00:19:58,330 --> 00:19:59,665
I'm not here to think, Jerry.
590
00:19:59,765 --> 00:20:01,366
Well Rob, that's who I was with.
591
00:20:01,466 --> 00:20:03,502
That blond was Toni Gagliardi.
592
00:20:03,602 --> 00:20:06,905
Toni, T-O-N-I. Gagliardi, G-A--
593
00:20:07,005 --> 00:20:08,607
All right, Jerry.
594
00:20:08,707 --> 00:20:10,576
Who was the redhead, Dr. Zorba?
595
00:20:12,377 --> 00:20:14,446
Which redhead?
596
00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:16,248
Which-- you mean there's another redhead?
597
00:20:16,348 --> 00:20:17,816
Ah, come on, Rob.
598
00:20:17,916 --> 00:20:19,518
Jerry, look, you were seen two weeks ago getting into a cab
599
00:20:19,618 --> 00:20:20,919
with one of your "friends."
600
00:20:21,019 --> 00:20:23,088
Now look, what'd you do, hire a private detective
601
00:20:23,188 --> 00:20:24,022
to follow me?
602
00:20:24,122 --> 00:20:25,357
Jerry, who was she?
603
00:20:25,457 --> 00:20:26,558
And don't tell me she's a long-lost relative.
604
00:20:26,658 --> 00:20:28,860
Rob, I don't owe you any explanation.
605
00:20:28,961 --> 00:20:30,462
Jerry, I know that.
606
00:20:30,562 --> 00:20:32,464
And I want you to know I'm not doing this for anything
607
00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:35,267
except my affection for you and Millie.
608
00:20:35,367 --> 00:20:36,235
Now who was she?
609
00:20:36,335 --> 00:20:37,202
She's my cousin.
610
00:20:37,302 --> 00:20:38,637
Oh, for crying out loud.
611
00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:40,238
Rob.
612
00:20:40,339 --> 00:20:41,306
Don't you realize what's at stake here?
613
00:20:41,406 --> 00:20:43,675
She's my cousin Sheila.
614
00:20:43,775 --> 00:20:46,612
Jerry, if you want me to butt out, just say so.
615
00:20:46,712 --> 00:20:47,679
Butt out, Rob.
616
00:20:50,849 --> 00:20:51,650
Rob?
617
00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:52,651
What?
618
00:20:52,751 --> 00:20:56,088
Can I have my plumber's helper back?
619
00:20:56,188 --> 00:20:56,989
Jerry.
620
00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:57,923
Yeah?
621
00:20:58,023 --> 00:20:58,890
Think of the kids.
622
00:20:58,991 --> 00:21:01,059
Ah, doggone it, Rob.
623
00:21:01,159 --> 00:21:02,027
OK.
624
00:21:02,127 --> 00:21:03,195
OK. Sit down, Rob.
625
00:21:03,295 --> 00:21:04,429
Yeah?
626
00:21:05,664 --> 00:21:08,567
Rob, I'm going to tell you something.
627
00:21:08,667 --> 00:21:11,069
I want you to promise that you won't tell anyone.
628
00:21:11,169 --> 00:21:12,704
Oh, Jerry, I promise.
629
00:21:12,804 --> 00:21:13,772
OK.
630
00:21:13,872 --> 00:21:15,974
Now Rob, if Millie finds out that you know,
631
00:21:16,074 --> 00:21:17,209
she'll be very upset.
632
00:21:17,309 --> 00:21:18,477
Millie knows?
633
00:21:18,577 --> 00:21:20,879
It was her idea.
634
00:21:20,979 --> 00:21:23,181
Wait-- the redhead?
635
00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:24,416
It was her idea?
636
00:21:24,516 --> 00:21:25,517
Oh, will you forget the redhead?
637
00:21:25,617 --> 00:21:27,119
I told you she's my cousin Sheila.
638
00:21:27,219 --> 00:21:28,120
OK.
639
00:21:28,220 --> 00:21:29,554
The blond was Millie's idea.
640
00:21:29,655 --> 00:21:30,322
Right.
641
00:21:30,422 --> 00:21:32,224
Oh, Jerry, come on.
642
00:21:32,324 --> 00:21:34,726
I know we're supposed to be nice sophisticated suburbanites,
643
00:21:34,826 --> 00:21:36,294
but that's a little too much for me.
644
00:21:36,395 --> 00:21:41,433
Rob, Dr. Toni Gagliardi is a marriage counselor.
645
00:21:41,533 --> 00:21:42,734
A marriage counselor?
646
00:21:42,834 --> 00:21:43,869
Right.
647
00:21:43,969 --> 00:21:47,739
Toni, T-O-N-I, and she's a doctor of psychology.
648
00:21:47,839 --> 00:21:49,508
Millie and I are--
649
00:21:49,608 --> 00:21:51,677
well, we're-- oh, how should I say it, you know,
650
00:21:51,777 --> 00:21:53,712
we're having a little problem.
651
00:21:53,812 --> 00:21:54,680
The redhead?
652
00:21:54,780 --> 00:21:55,681
Oh, Rob.
653
00:21:56,815 --> 00:21:59,751
The redhead is my kid cousin Sheila Marshack,
654
00:21:59,851 --> 00:22:01,520
and I've been fixing her teeth since she
655
00:22:01,620 --> 00:22:03,488
was eight years old so will you forget the redhead already?
656
00:22:03,588 --> 00:22:05,057
Well, so who's, who's the problem?
657
00:22:05,157 --> 00:22:07,626
We are, Millie, Millie and I, that's what the problem is.
658
00:22:07,726 --> 00:22:09,828
We-- well, lately we've been fighting with each other
659
00:22:09,928 --> 00:22:11,163
more than we should.
660
00:22:11,263 --> 00:22:13,465
And, well, before we did any real damage to our marriage,
661
00:22:13,565 --> 00:22:16,368
we decided we ought to talk it over with a counselor.
662
00:22:16,468 --> 00:22:17,903
Wait a minute, Jerry, I'm not saying
663
00:22:18,003 --> 00:22:19,571
I don't believe you or anything, but isn't it a little bit
664
00:22:19,671 --> 00:22:21,473
strange to take your marriage counselor out to dinner?
665
00:22:21,573 --> 00:22:24,342
Yeah, right, but she's not our marriage counselor.
666
00:22:24,443 --> 00:22:25,877
You just said--
667
00:22:25,977 --> 00:22:27,679
She's a marriage counselor, but because she's a friend,
668
00:22:27,779 --> 00:22:30,649
she can't counsel us, so she was recommending someone.
669
00:22:30,749 --> 00:22:31,783
Yeah?
670
00:22:31,883 --> 00:22:33,418
Right, and maybe this person will help us out.
671
00:22:33,518 --> 00:22:35,020
Help you out?
672
00:22:35,120 --> 00:22:36,555
Well, sure, how would you like to be married to a woman that
673
00:22:36,655 --> 00:22:37,989
still kept you on the same budget you had when
674
00:22:38,090 --> 00:22:39,391
you went to dental college?
675
00:22:39,491 --> 00:22:41,326
You know, I mean, I mean, I married a chipmunk.
676
00:22:41,426 --> 00:22:42,294
Save, save, save.
677
00:22:42,394 --> 00:22:43,628
I want to live.
678
00:22:43,729 --> 00:22:44,863
I can't go in and buy a pair of sweat socks
679
00:22:44,963 --> 00:22:45,597
without feeling guilty.
680
00:22:45,697 --> 00:22:46,965
I'm doing great, right?
681
00:22:47,065 --> 00:22:49,534
Well, she's got me living like a failure.
682
00:22:49,634 --> 00:22:50,769
That's your problem?
683
00:22:50,869 --> 00:22:53,505
Yeah, that's it, among other things.
684
00:22:53,605 --> 00:22:54,873
That's great.
685
00:22:54,973 --> 00:22:57,509
What's great about having a marital problem?
686
00:22:57,609 --> 00:23:00,512
Jerry, you're having marital problems.
687
00:23:00,612 --> 00:23:02,914
We thought you were having marital problems.
688
00:23:05,751 --> 00:23:08,019
Listen, Rob, let's get one thing straight.
689
00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:10,222
No matter what I say and how much I hate that girl
690
00:23:10,322 --> 00:23:11,256
next door, I still love her.
691
00:23:11,356 --> 00:23:12,991
Oh, me too, Jerry.
692
00:23:13,091 --> 00:23:13,959
Let's go get some coffee.
693
00:23:14,059 --> 00:23:15,160
Yeah.
694
00:23:15,260 --> 00:23:16,928
She made you feel guilty about buying sweat socks?
695
00:23:17,028 --> 00:23:19,564
Yeah, listen, we'll be lucky if we get coffee next door.
696
00:23:23,668 --> 00:23:26,238
Oh, doesn't my little hausfrau look cute tonight?
697
00:23:26,338 --> 00:23:27,606
Just beautiful.
698
00:23:27,706 --> 00:23:28,940
Honey, you are the most--
699
00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:30,242
I'm adorable, adorable.
700
00:23:30,342 --> 00:23:32,811
A little stingy, but adorable.
701
00:23:34,079 --> 00:23:36,047
Boy, that marriage counselor sure knows his business.
702
00:23:36,148 --> 00:23:38,216
You know, it's amazing how talking out your problem
703
00:23:38,316 --> 00:23:39,384
can solve them?
704
00:23:39,484 --> 00:23:40,752
Why, we've only gone for five visits
705
00:23:40,852 --> 00:23:42,420
and already it's made a difference.
706
00:23:42,521 --> 00:23:43,421
Six visits.
707
00:23:43,522 --> 00:23:44,689
No, it's five, honey.
708
00:23:44,790 --> 00:23:46,491
- Six, Jerry. - It's five.
709
00:23:46,591 --> 00:23:48,193
I ought to know, I have to get up an hour earlier
710
00:23:48,293 --> 00:23:50,028
for those cockamamie visits.
711
00:23:50,128 --> 00:23:53,665
I write the checks, and it's six cockamamie visits.
712
00:23:53,765 --> 00:23:54,966
Honey, it's five visits, really.
713
00:23:55,066 --> 00:23:55,901
Six.
714
00:23:56,001 --> 00:23:57,068
It's five visits, really it is.
715
00:23:57,169 --> 00:23:58,203
Wait, hold it, you guys.
716
00:23:58,303 --> 00:24:00,605
This is a little bit silly, isn't it?
717
00:24:00,705 --> 00:24:02,974
I'm no psychologist, but it's not important
718
00:24:03,074 --> 00:24:05,343
really whether you went five times or six times
719
00:24:05,443 --> 00:24:06,945
to see a marriage counselor.
720
00:24:07,045 --> 00:24:10,115
The important thing is you have to go at least one more time.
721
00:24:13,718 --> 00:24:17,689
[theme music playing]
50076
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